09x25 - Home Malone

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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09x25 - Home Malone

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, Woody.

Our baby-sitter just canceled.

Could you sit with
Frederick tonight?

Okay.

Oh, great, Woody. Thanks.

Yeah, I'm used to it.

I used to baby-sit a
lot back in Hanover...

well, before the incident.

You know...

I think Lilith's mother
owes us a favor.

Thanks anyway, Woody.

Oh, good, Woody,
come here for a minute.

Listen, I'm gonna go out
of town for the weekend

and I want you to feed my cat.

Now I know it's an
imposition, but, you know.

Okay.

Well, you're really good
with animals, aren't you?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I had lots of
pets back in Hanover...

before the incident.

Yeah, Woody, on second thought,

I'm gonna ask my
next-door neighbor,

but thanks anyway.

Hey, Woody,

that's a really clever trick.

You get out of doing
anything with that.

Yeah.

Just wish I'd thought
of it before the incident.

(theme song begins)

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

We realize it's short notice,

but this dinner
tonight is something

we simply cannot miss.

We're desperate to get a sitter.

I would really like
to help you guys out,

but children make me nervous.

I'm afraid I'm gonna drop them.

Oh, Rebecca...

holding a baby is
the simplest thing

in the world.

(glass breaks)

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Thanks anyway.

Kelly,

how was class?

(sighs heavily): I'd
rather not talk about it.

I'm sorry, Woody.

I didn't mean to jump
down your throat like that.

Well, uh...

what's wrong?

Well, my final
project for sociology

is an in-depth study of
a past work experience.

And I've never had a job.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, let me get
this straight...

You can't do your
little school project

because you're stinkin' rich

and you never had to
work a day in your life?

Yeah.

And I used to complain
because I had no shoes.

I feel so out of place
in my sociology class.

Do you know what it's
like to sit in school all day

and not contribute anything?

Well, it's been a long time,
but that sounds familiar.

I don't even know
how to get a job. Kelly,

come over here, here.

Want ads. Okay?

Plenty of jobs in there.

If you can't find
anything there,

call an employment agency.

Plenty of places to get a job.

Hey, you know, Norm, for
a guy who's unemployed,

you certainly know a
lot about getting work.

Well, Cliff, I know a
lot about water, too,

but you don't
see me drinking it.

Uh, Ms. Howe, do you think

Kelly could work
here for a while?

I know she doesn't
have any experience...

I don't think so, Woody.

Oh, well, I just
thought I'd ask.

It's no big deal.

Look, Woody.

It says here I can
make $10,000 a week

being an escort.

Okay, Ms. Howe,
now it's a big deal.

Please, please,
let her work here.

You can always use an extra hand

and you don't have to pay her.

Yeah, it's just for
the experience.

All right, Woody, all right.

As a favor to you.

But this is a real business.

This is not a training ground.

We need people to work here
who really know what they're doing.

(glass breaks)

Tell her to wear shoes.

Thanks, Ms. Howe.

Hey, Kelly, guess what?

Ms. Howe said you can work here.

Really? Oh, that's great.

Oh, thanks, Ms. Howe.

Oh, welcome aboard, Kelly.

I can't believe I
have a real job.

You know what to do with this.

Wow, I sure do.

Do you guys have
lobster for lunch every day?

Well, does that mean
you're canceling tonight?

All right, all right.

Well, maybe some other time.

Boy, women'll break a date
with you at the drop of a hat.

Like her grandmother
won't still be dead tomorrow.

Sam, am I to understand that
you suddenly have the night free?

Yeah, you got anything for me?

Perhaps.

Quite cute.

Oh, yeah? Cute's nice.

And young.

Oh, I like young.

Give me more details.

Well, about 32 inches.

I usually I like them a
little bustier than that.

I'm just trying to find out

if you would like to sit
for Frederick tonight.

Oh, yeah. I'd love to do that.

Really? I love that
little guy. Why not?

Done deal. All right.

Frasier, can I speak with you?

I don't know how comfortable
I feel with this setup.

He's just a baby. He
needs supervision.

Well, Sam can take care of it.

I'm talking about Sam.

You know how out of
control he can get at times,

what a mess he can
make of everything.

Well, Sam can clean it up.

Oh, you're talking about
Sam. I'm talking about Sam.

Darling, it'll just
be for a few hours.

All right.

But if anything goes wrong,
he could be scarred for life.

You mean Sam, right?

Yes, and it is a thr*at.

Sam, can you be at our
place in about an hour?

You bet.

Where are you
guys going tonight?

Oh, well, I'm proud to
tell you that my lovely wife

is being honored tonight
by the scientific community

for her contributions to the
study of sensory deprivation.

It was serendipitous, I admit.

I'd returned to the lab
after a two-week holiday

to find that I'd locked
my lab assistant

in the isolation t*nk.

Suffice it to say, what could
have been an ugly lawsuit

turned into an
award-winning paper.

Say, Carla,

I'm, uh, baby-sitting tonight.

You got any advice for me?

Sure. Here's everything you
need to know about babies.

Remember, you're the boss. Yeah.

Don't let him give you any lip.

And if they start to act crabby,

stick a bottle in their mouths.

Great.

Okay, great.

Okay, I'm ready. Okay.

Here's everything you need
to know about customers.

Remember, you're the boss.

Don't let 'em give you any lip.

And if they start to act crabby,

just stick a bottle
in their mouths.

Hey, Miss. I ordered a beer.

And he passes to Frederick.

Frederick takes the
ball and goes for a jam.

Yes! Yes!

He's a freshman

out of the learning center.

Yes! Oh, a rookie.

Wonderful sh*t.

Here we go. Take another one.

He goes for the jam.

He goes. He runs.

The Garden is going cra...

Oh. It's...

Great sh*t.

Great sh*t.

Okay, Malone, top of the key...

Do you want to
watch a little TV?

(pants slightly): You
know something?

That's a good idea.

Uncle Sam is a
little tired here.

Whoo!

Good idea, good idea.

I don't know how to do this one.

Do you know how to...

I have a different
one at home there.

(TV clicks on) Oh,
far out. Thanks.

That's great.

Oh, great, this is
The Flintstones.

This is the one where Barney
gets stuck in the mailbox.

I actually haven't seen this
one all the way to the end.

Freddie?

Hey, Fred, whatcha
doing in there?

Peek-a-boo!

(doorknob rattles)

Freddie?

Uh-oh.

Uh... oh, boy. Fred.

Hey, listen to me now.
Listen to Uncle Sammy.

Unlock the door, Freddie.

T... Freddie, turn the knob.

You see the knob?
See that little knob?

Turn the knob, Freddie.

(toilet flushes)

No, wrong knob, Fred.

sh**t.

Um, okay, all right.

I'll get you out of there.

Got to be a key around here.

(giggles)

Oh, I know what
I'm gonna do, Fred.

We'll do the old credit card
jimmying the lock open here.

I don't have a credit card.

I know, here,
here, I'll use a $20.

This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.

Yeah, here we go, Freddie.

This is gonna work.

No, Freddie... hey...

give me my $20 back.

(toilet flushes) Fred, no.

Don't fl... oh... sh**t.

You little...

I'm in trouble here.

Okay, don't worry.

Uncle Sammy's gonna get
you out of there, Freddie.

Yeah, I'll just come
around the window here.

Ooh.

We're way high, aren't we?

Okay.

No big deal.

Ooh.

Okay.

Here we go.

Here comes Uncle Sammy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Burglar-proof.

Right. Yeah.

Your mommy and daddy
told me about that, didn't they?

Okay.

Hey, Freddie.

Whoo!

(groans)

Damn, damn, damn!

You didn't hear that, Freddie.

You didn't hear that.

(groans): Oh...!

Damn it!

You heard that one, didn't you?

Hey, Freddie...

Uncle Sammy doesn't
know what to do here.

Can you open this window?

Do you know the word "open"?

Yeah, yeah, open.

Open.

Can you open the window?

D-do you know the word "open"?

Good boy.

Bye-bye.

Carla, I just waited
on a man at table 5

and he left too much
money on the table.

Should we go find him?

No, uh, you see, this
is what we call a tip.

It's a little monetary
gift for the head waitress.

Here you go.

Boy, do I feel dumb.

Oh, no, you're just new.

Kelly, can I have
a beer, please?

Okay, let me go get Woody.

Oh, no, you don't need Woody.

Come here. I'm gonna
show you how it's done.

Take a glass,

stick it underneath
this black lever here,

okay?

Voilá, you have a beer.

Now there's a, uh, black book
underneath the cash register.

It says "Norm's tab" on it.

You mean this one here
with all these little marks?

Right.

Now, Kelly, each one
of these little marks

represents a beer that
I've purchased... in advance.

Every time I order one,
you have to take this eraser

and, uh, erase one
of those little marks.

Don't forget to erase now.

I don't want any free beers!

Okay, Mr. Peterson.

Thank you.

Unbelievable!

I'm in the presence
of sheer genius.

Thank you, Cliffy.

Kelly, can I have another beer

for my dear friend
Clifford Clavin?

And what the heck,
take it off my tab.

Hey, Freddie!
(knocking on window)

Freddie, Uncle Sammy
needs some help here, bud.

Hey, Fred, do you
know about rain?

Because that's what's
happening out here, Freddie.

You know...

♪ Itsy-bitsy spider
went up the waterspout ♪

(thunder rumbling)

Okay, Fred.

Look, back away from
the window there, Fred.

Uncle Sammy's gonna
break the window...

and every little
bone in his hand.

Oh!

Okay, Fred.

Tell you what I'm gonna do here.

I'm gonna jump over to
that tree and climb on down.

I'll be back in just,
before you can... Oh! Oh!

(crashing)

Bye.

Carla, I need to ask you
some questions for my paper,

since you're my co-worker.

How do you feel that
the work experience

has enriched your life?

It's given me varicose veins,
stomach acid, lower back pain

and a complete
hatred for all mankind.

That's great.


And what would you say
are the negative aspects?

Just do the dishes.

Yeah. I hate that one, too.

We have an Australian
couple that do it at home.

Oh...

By the way, here's another
one of those tip things.

Why, thank you very much, Kelly.

Boy, she is really
dumber than cotton.

Hey, Carla.

Hey, Cotton.

Who's ready, huh? You thirsty?

Come on.

Norm, come on.
Let us buy a round.

I insist.

Kelly, another round for
my friends here, okay?

Okay, Mr. Peterson,

but my hands are getting
sore from all that erasing.

Now, now, Kelly,
you wanted a real job.

You can't go through life

getting everything
handed to you for free.

Let's get some beer over here.

How about you
fellows? You ready?

Oh, we've really got to
get back to the site, Norm.

Come on. You're only working
on the second floor. Yeah!

A round for these guys.

Hey-hey-hey, isn't
that that Henri?

Oh, yeah,

it's Pepe LePew himself.

Yeah, he's got a lot of guts

showing his sleazy Gallic
mug around this place.

Yeah.

If I was, uh, Woody,

I'd have popped that guy
a long time ago, you know?

Hello, fellows!

ALL: Hey, Henri!

What do you say? Buy you a beer?

And he's such a phony, you know?

Uh, Woody, loan me
ten dollars until payday.

When's payday?

How do I know? You're
the one who's working.

Kelly!

What are you doing
with those drinks?

Hello, Henri.

I'm working here for a while.

Isn't that exciting?

Yes, you are!

Serve me a drink

so that I may pinch
your bottom as you leave.

Henri, I wish you'd stop
saying things like that.

Well, Woody, but
I am the customer,

and the customer
is always right.

Darn.

Got me on a technicality.

You know, if this
Kelly thing works out,

I might finally be able
to take my vacation.

The last one I had
was three years ago

when I went to
Graceland for a weekend.

But now I got six
weeks saved up.

I'm gonna take
me a real vacation.

Where are you gonna go?

Graceland.

Woody, may I have
a soda, please?

Stealing your
girlfriend is thirsty work.

All right, Henri,

I don't know how
things are in France,

but in America, guys
don't like other guys

saying they're gonna
steal their girlfriend.

It's not polite.

Oh! I'm, I'm so sorry.

I, I see your point.

Uh, as we say in France...

Je vais te piquer ta copine.

What does that mean?

I'm going to steal
your girlfriend.

Wait a minute.

You take that back.

Oh!

I-I...

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

Oh, hey, Freddie!

I'm back.

I must have blacked
out there for a while.

Whoo!

Uncle Sammy sure is lucky

the glass recycling
bin broke his fall.

I'll tell you.

Somebody sure drinks a
lot of wine in this building. Uh!

You look all tuckered out there.

What do you say we watch

a little, a little
television here, huh?

Oh, sh**t!

Flintstones are over.

Fred?

Freddie?

Oh, no, man!

Don't lock... sh**t!

Come on, Freddie!

It was funny once!

All right.

Okay, Freddie, here I come.

Oh, no, no-no-no.

There we go.

Okay, Freddie, here I come.

Freddie!

Freddie, what are you
doing to Uncle Sammy?

Come on. Bring the
dog back, Freddie.

Woody, can I talk to
you for minute, please?

Sure, Ms. Howe.

Woody, I don't think things
are working out with Kelly.

Oh, well, that's my fault.

I'm afraid of commitment.

Woody, I mean here at the bar.

I mean, she's a big
distraction to you;

your work is suffering;

and, and this bar fight
is just the last straw.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to let her go.

Well, I guess that
was a tough decision

for you to make, Ms. Howe.

Yeah, well, sometimes
managers have to learn how

to give bad news to employees.

So go fire your
girlfriend, Woody.

Hey, I'm getting better at that.

I think I'll go get a facial.

I earned it.

Wait. Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is it true?

Are you f*ring Kelly?

Because I want you to
know that she is the best thing

that's ever
happened to this bar!

Since when did you ever
care what happened to Kelly?

Wait. Whoa, wait, whoa!

Something's happening to Kelly?

She's not leaving, is she?

Yes, as a matter
of fact, she is.

I guess you're both going
to have to learn to live with it.

She's here one day
and everybody loves her.

I'm here five years and
nobody gives a damn!

By the way, Norm. Why'd
you want her to stay?

None of your business.

Why'd you want her to stay?

None of your business.

What did you want
to talk about, Woody?

Well, Kelly, you don't
really like this place

all that much, do you?

Oh, sure I do.

I love this place.

It's keen.

Oh, boy.

Kelly, Cheers is not
such a great place.

Well, what do you mean, Woody?

Oh, I mean it's
nice on the surface,

but when you get
right down to it,

there's a dark side to Cheers.

Really?

Aw, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, you're so naive.

Nobody respects anybody here.

Oh, they're nice to your face,

but as soon as you turn around,

they're plotting some
way to get rid of you.

And they never do
their own dirty work.

Nope. No, no. They
wouldn't stoop to that.

They'd rather use some
poor innocent farm boy

to carry out their
sinister deeds

while they go prancing
off to get a facial!

Well, I'm not doing it anymore!

I quit!

Then I quit, too!

Bye, everybody.

Oh, man, I knew that I should
not have had Woody fire her.

When am I gonna learn?

If you want
something done right,

you've gotta do it yourself.

(glasses break)

Be careful walking back here.

Ms. Howe.

Yes? What do you want?

Well, uh, listen,
I've had a lot of time

to think since I quit,

and, uh, I've done
a little growing up

and, and, and if you haven't
filled my old position yet,

I'd like to... Woody!

I-I-I know that I'll have to
go back to starting wages

and, and that I'll lose
my seniority. Woody...

I-I-I know it'll take
me a few weeks to...

Woody, just shut up
and get to work! God!

Boy, they sure aren't very
nice to new employees.

Darling, do my eyes deceive me

or is our little Frederick
actually asleep?

Oh, he is!

Where's Sam?

(banging outside)

Sam!

Over here in the tree.

But I can still see the kid.

Whoo!
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