01x20 - Dad's Back

[bunniefuu]

Carey: I am so ticked
at the boys.

Their father's coming,

and they were supposed
to be home by : .

I guess you're a little
nervous about seeing your ex?

Why would you say that?

Because you just ate
my decorative soaps.

Zack:
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Oh, no, no, no.

Stroke! Stroke!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh! It's a good thing
their father is coming.

The boys need a firm
parental hand.

Stroke! Stroke!
Moseby: Aah!

Comin' through!

Mr. moseby, I'd like you
to meet my ex-husband Kurt.

Well, I see the apples
don't fall far from the tree.

I'm sorry, man.

It's Mr. moseby.

Oh. Sorry, Mr. moseby, man.

[All laugh]

This is our dad.

Oh, no kidding.

Hey, mom, dad's taking us
to his concert tonight.

Goodie! How are you getting
there, taxi or luggage cart?

Wait, guys,
not so fast.

You promised me you'd
have your homework done

before your dad
got here.

I already did mine.

You sicken me.

Aw, come on, mom,
it's almost spring break

and we haven't seen dad
in months.

Zack, your mom's
absolutely right.

Thanks.

You're gonna do your
homework in a limo.

A limo?! Cool!
Bye, mom!

No--wait--not too late and
don't forget to spell check...

Oh, who am I kidding? They're
not doing any homework.

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Hey, maddie.
How are you?

Well, my straight-a
grade point average

is being threatened

just because sister Mary Fredo
is failing me in p.E.

Now I'm not going to get into
a good college

just because I can't
do a sit-up, run,

or climb a stupid rope.

Don't you know the
answer to "how are you?"

Is "fine. What can I do
for you, London?"

Fine. What can I do
for you, London?

Get me one of my
magazines, please.

[Grunts]

Ohh...

Wow! You are weak.

Here, let me do it.

How did you
get so strong?

I work out.

I've been trained

by some of the top
professionals.

I'd make
my own video,

but why should anyone
else look this good?

I need a really
good grade in gym.

Can you help me get an "a"?

Boy, I never thought
I'd say that.

Ok, first things
first.

That outfit,
horrible.

Can we go on
to number ?

Ok. Your hair--

!

Fine. Show me how many
push-ups you can do.

[Grunts]

Ok,
that was the push.

Later, we'll work
on the "up."

Can we go back
to my hair?

Yes. It's as weak
and brittle as you.

Know what? Maybe we should
start on the lat machine.

Uh, I'd rather start
on the cappuccino machine.

Suck it up, bones.

All you have to do
is hold this bar

and pull it down behind
your back, like this.

Now you try.

Aah!

I like this one!

Bottom of the ninth, outs,
full count, bases loaded.

Hey, batter, batter!

Yes!
You're out!

I am not! I got
to the lamp

way before
you did.

The throw pillow
was first base.

Since when?

Since we cracked
the light bulb.

Hey, be sure to tell your
mom I'm gonna pay for that.

Aah!
Aah!

You know, dad?
This is great.

Yeah, we've really
missed you.

I missed you, too.

You know, would love for you guys
to come on the road with me.

We would have
so much fun.

Yeah! We could do
all this,

but be on
a tricked-out bus!

Sounds fun,

but I get woozy reading
in a moving vehicle.

Cody, you put the "zs"
in "parties."

All right, guys, come on,
enough foolin' around.

It's time to do
your homework...

Because it's...

Midnight.

Oops. Oops. Oops.

So just tell your mom that
it's very important for boys

to bond with their father,

and if that doesn't work,

break down crying.

Works for us.

Right now, it's time
for bed, but first,

brush your teeth
and floss.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Hey! Monster chiller
horror theater is on!

They're showing the thing
that ate everything!

Oh,
that's a good one.

Ok, just
the beginning.

[Whispers] Don't
open the closet.

Don't open
the closet!

[Woman screams on tv]
Aah!

Carey: Aah! Aah! Aah!

What is going on
here?

Oh, uh, we were watching monster
chiller horror theater...

Which I was dead set against,
but they outnumbered me.

Now we're heading off
to bed.

Dare I ask about
the homework?

I wouldn't.

You do realize that the last
time Cody saw a horror film,

I had to get rid
of the monsters

by scrubbing down
his room with holy water?

It worked.

Boys, bed. Now.

This is all your fault.

How is it my fault?!

You're the one that
turned on the tv.

I know, you're mad.

No, no. I was mad

when you sold our car
to buy a new guitar.

I was mad

when you came home
from the playground

with the wrong twins.

It was
an honest mistake.

They were girls.

Now, I'm furious.

Look, I just wanted
to hang out

and have some fun
with the boys.

Kurt, it's great that you're
here hangin' out with them,

but every time you come, I'm the
one who has to clean up your mess,

and I'm tired
of lookin' like the bad guy!

Well, lucky for you
I'm out of here tomorrow,

so tell the boys I'll say
good-bye to them in the morning.

I...

Why are my pantyhose
rolled up in a ball?

Dad didn't want to use
a real ball

because he didn't want
to hurt the furniture.

See? He's a lot more
responsible

than you think he is.

I never said
he was irresponsible.

You're the one
who's irresponsible.

You promised me you'd
have your work done

before your father
got here.

Why do you always have to
nag me about this stuff?

Because unless
I nag you,

you don't do it.

Well, dad doesn't nag me.

And did you do it?

I didn't think so.

You're too busy playing
with my pantyhose.

You're just jealous
because dad's fun.

Parenting isn't
always about being fun.

Yeah, especially
the way you do it.

I'm sorry you feel
that way,

but as long as
you live under my roof,

you will follow my rules.

Technically,
it's moseby's roof.

Ohh...Oh...

Derek, man,
you don't look so good.

[British accent] I can't help it.
I get bus sick.

Good thing we're touring
America on a bus.

I'm trying to pretend
I'm on a plane.

Ohh...I'm getting airsick.

Cool! This bathroom's
got an attendant!

Thanks, mate. We need
more paper towels.

I'm not a bathroom
attendant.

I'm his son.

Zack, what are
you doing here?

I decided
to take your offer

and join you on the road.

Great! Will you still be
working in the bathroom?

Carey: Cody, have you
seen your brother?

Nope, can't say I have,

not for a while now,

in fact, until you
mentioned it,

I totally forgot
I even had a brother.

Zack, right?

Stop staring at me.

Ok, ok, I know
where he is! I'll tell you!

Just stop with the eyes!
It burns!

If only Zack were
this easy. Where is he?

He stowed away
on dad's bus.

No!

[Sobs] Yeah! And I ate
the last cupcake!

Ohh...

I can't believe
he would run away.

Why would he do
something like this?

I think he felt like
you were dumping on him a lot.

Why? Did he say
something?

Yeah, he said that
you were dumping on him a lot.

Ok, first things first.
We gotta call your mom.

[Telephone rings]

It's freaky
how she does that.

She's gonna be mad.
You talk to her.

Fine. I'll be
the adult here.

Look, first things first,

I just want to say I had
nothing to do with this,

and I completely disapprove.

[Whispers]
Calming her down.

Look, just tell me
he's ok

and doesn't have
any tattoos.

He's ok,

and it says "mom."

[Kurt laughs]

Oh, come on,
have a sense of humor.

I married you,
didn't I?

There it is.

So, uh, you want to come
up here and get him?

I don't want to go home.

I want to stay with you!

He says he really
misses you.

I heard.

Thanks for tryin'.

What do you think
I should do?

Look, next week is
spring break, anyway.

Why don't you just
keep him with you?

If I make him
come home now,

he'll resent me
more than ever.

What's she saying?

Did she say
I can stay?

Well, yeah, but--
yay!

Thanks, mom!
Love you, bye!

Dad says bye, too.

I didn't
get to talk to her.

That's because
you don't know her.

And now I never will.

He wants to stay
with your dad.

Don't feel bad, mom.

You may not be
the fun parent,

but kids need
a dull parent, too.

Love your hair.

That's it! Do you feel it?
Do you feel the burn?

I felt the burn
an hour ago.

Now it's
searing pain!

I am never going to
get an "a" this way.

I mean, just
yesterday,

sister Mary Fredo said she'd
use my arms for chopsticks.

Here, let me help.

Here.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Aah!

Aah!

[Belches]

[Belches]

Whoa. He is your son,

and he b*at you
by a landslide.

It's a proud day when a
son beats his father

in a belching
contest.

Can we get back
to the game now, please?

I'll see your
animal crackers

and raise you a chocolate
covered Graham.

I fold.

You know,
I'm still hungry.

What else do we have
to eat?

What don't we have?

We got your
cold pizza,

cold burgers,
cold tacos.

What do we have
that's warm?

Ice cream.

Cool. I'll drink it.

I love life on the road.

Poker, belching
contests,

and no one asks me
to take a shower.

Was that you?

I thought somethin'
d*ed in here.

You know, dad, this is
even better than I thought.

If my school bus
was like this,

I wouldn't mind
goin' to school.

You know, eventually,
you will have to go back

'cause education is the
most important thing.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Ok, this is for
your endurance.

For your upper body strength,
I brought you these.

Shopping bags?

Arms up.

Whoa!

You build up
a lot of muscle

carrying these around
from store to store

when you limo driver
claims he "has a bad back"

because he "hurt it"
saving someone's life.

I don't blame him.

These things
are heavy!

Now hold those
bags up!

Now imagine, you're
walking through a store

when portia Tannenbaum's about to grab
the last pair of sienna kors sandals!

Ooh! Those are gorgeous!

These shoes
are running away!

They're faster than you!

Aah!

Looks like portia
got the sandals.

Ah, have you heard
from Zack?

Yeah, I sent him
a -page e-mail

asking him how he's doing,

if he's having fun, telling
him how much I miss him.

Here's his reply.

Hmm.

"Back at ya."

Back at me!

Oh, ok, oh...

[Sobs]

Oh, all right,
oh, look!

There's young Cody!

You don't want him
to see you upset...

And staining my suit.

No. No, you're right.

I gotta perk up.

I'll show him
what a fun mom I can be.

Good luck with that.

[Inhales deeply]

Ha! Hey, Cody.

I got a great idea.

Let's go to the park.

I have homework.

Ah, forget homework.
Let's have some fun!

Hope you brought
your sweet tooth,

'cause I'm thinkin'
ice cream for dinner!

That sounds great!

Just one question.

Who are you and what have
you done with my mother?

Ohh, you are
such a kidder!

No, I'm serious.

Go, go!

Hut, hut, hut!

That was awesome!

Reah!

Ho, keep it down, man.
Zack's back there asleep.

[Whispers]
That was awesome.

I'm not asleep.

I was waiting for you,
dad.

I thought we'd do
something after the show,

so what do you want
to do?

Ya know, it might be
a good time for you

to do that homework
thing your mom faxed you.

Now?

But I've been
waiting around.

Well, you could have
done it then,

but you didn't,

so I guess then is now.

Wow. I finally understand
quantum physics.

Fine, I'll do it.

But I might need
a little help

on a couple of things.

Well, like what?

English, math, science,

geography, and Spanish.

Ok, I think
we're in Ohio...

Seor.

Dad...

Well, aren't you supposed
to do this on your own?

You know, build
character, strong bones?

That's milk, dad.

Mom always helps me
with my homework.

Ok, I tell you what.
If you get stuck,

you just ask me.

Fine. I'll do it
myself.

I mean, how hard
can it be

to figure out
the volume of helium

in a t*nk cubic
feet...By...

Ooh.

Hey, dad?

This is an
exercise machine?

It's very good
for the triceps and biceps.

You're kidding.

Just do it.

Currently,
I have no 'ceps at all.

[Gasps]

Have you seen
my mom?

No.

Good! I've had it up
to here with her fun!

It's been non-stop movies
and junk food.

She put a trampoline
in the living room!

I can't take it anymore!

There she is!

I was never here.

Oh, not over the...

Ha ha ha.

Mr. moseby,

have you seen Cody?

Am I twitching?

Well, when you see him,

tell him to meet me
at the park

and have him bring his mitt,
knee pads, and a snorkel. Heh.

Whoo!

I don't even want to know
what she had in mind.

Dad, wake up.

What, is it time
for the next show?

No, it's noon. I'm bored.

I have no one
to play with.

What's Derek doing?

Hugging a chicken.

Dad, let's go outside
and play some catch.

We can't. We're going
Miles an hour.

Dad, what's going on?

You used to be
so much fun.

Well, that's because when
I would visit you guys,

I was on vacation.

Now I'm working.

You were sleeping.

Well, because my job involves
me staying up all night

to play music

and sleeping all day

so I can stay up all night
to play more music.

Then why'd you ask me
to come?

I never thought your mom
would say yes.

Oh.

Hey, Zack...

Zacko...

Look, I didn't mean that
in a bad way.

It's just that
I want you here, babe,

but it's hard being
the fun parent

and working
at the same time.

Now you sound like mom,

but unlike her, you can't
help me with my homework,

you're never awake
when I'm awake,

and mom makes sure
I'm in the car

before she drives off.

We popped a u-ie
and came right back.

Dad, take a seat.

Look, when this started out,
it was great.

We had a lot of laughs,

a lot of fun,

but I just can't live
this way anymore.

Don't take this
the wrong way,

but I'm going home
to mother.

That's exactly what your
mom said when she left me,

and a few other things
that I can't mention.

Are you gonna
be ok, dad?

Yeah.

But it's not me that
I'm worried about.

Don't worry,
I'll break it to Derek.

Hello?

Ahh...Ahh...Ahh...

This is why they make you
sign a release form

before you bungie jump.

Mom!

Zack!
Coaster!

Dadster! What are you
doing back so soon?!

What are you doing with
ice bags on your head?

Oh, I was having
too much fun.

Yeah, right.

No, really.

She decided to become
the fun parent.

Ha ha ha.

Not as easy as
it seems, is it?

No.

Well, your job is no walk
in the park, either.

It's not easy being the
responsible parent.

You've done a great
job with them.

Thanks, but it's nice
to have help,

so come back soon.

I will.

Boys, I'll be back

in a couple
of months,

and remember,

do your homework,

brush your teeth,

and do everything
your mom tells you.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Thanks for tryin'.

Hey, by the way...

You're really
lookin' good.

Thanks for tryin'.

Maddie: The only thing standing
between me and "a" is this rope.

I'm going to ring
that bell, sister!

Get the sandals,
get the sweater,

gonna make myself
look better!

I'm gonna make it...

[Ding]

I made it!

That can't be good.

Aah!