02x15 - The Suite Smell of Excess

[bunniefuu]

And just where do you two
think you're going?

I don't get it.

She didn't even
turn around.

Ok. The eyes in the
back of her head thing

is really creepy.

Just so you know,
my vision is / , / .

You are not playing hockey

without helmets
and a whole bunch of pads

anything that looks
like skin, go cover it.

Speaking of
helmets and pads,

if we wear them,

can we go
bungee jumping later?

Not even off your bed.

Ah...

Bob's parents
said he could go.

And if Bob's parents let him
jump off a bridge,

would you want to
do that, too?

If we were attached
to a bungee cord.

Not even if you
were still attached

to my umbilical cord.

Ok. Ew!

Why won't you let us
have any fun?

It's my job.

It's the first thing they
teach you in mom school.

I discipline
because I care.

Well, couldn't you
care less?

We're not kids, you know.

Yeah.

Can't you treat us
like adults?

As soon as I
don't have to buy

my own
mother's day cards.

Fine. We'll read.

Careful, Cody.

You better put
your helmet on.

Those are
hard cover books.

Is this safe enough
for you, mom?

Ow! Paper cut.

Mommy, kiss it!

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Hey, maddie.

I'll have a dozen chocolate
zingdoodles please.

Sorry, your mother
told me

not to give you
anymore sweets.

You want to play
roller hockey with us?

No. Number one,
I'm working,

and number two,
hockey is way too violent.

Ow!

You think that hurts,

these shoes
are k*lling me.

Ow, ow, ow...

Well, I'm no foot doctor,

but here's a though.

Take the shoes off.

I can't.

London gave me $
to break them in for her.

Well, you always said

you wished you could walk
in London's shoes.

Yeah, that's before
I knew how small

London's feet were.

[Shivering]

It's raining llamas
and goats outside.

Don't you mean
cats and dogs?

[Laughing]

That's a silly expression.

Why must all women
shop so much?

shopping bags?

One for every day
of the week.

I bet you also think

a woman's place
is in the kitchen.

Only after she gets back
from the grocery store.

Oh, that attitude
is so typically male.

I'll have you know,

women are capable
of doing anything!

How about talking quietly.

So, how are my
donatelli heels doing?

My feet are k*lling me.

I can't wear these
for another second.

Here's an extra .

I can walk on my hands.

Oh, my word.

Just where do you two
hooligans think you're going?

I'm thinking
Harvard law school,

and Zach's thinking
San Quentin.

Mm-hmm.

On an athletic scholarship.

Oh. You should
play outside.

But it's raining.

No matter
what the weather,

you do not play ball
in my lobby.

You're right.

We should play ball
in the ball room.

No. That's not
what I meant.

Would you ple--

no. Not now.

[Stuttering]

Get, get, get--

we'll be right with you.

Now give me that puck.

This instant.

Nice save, Mr. moseby.

[Growling]

Hi, Carrie.

Oh, you're so tense.

Stiff as a board.

You've really
lost some weight.

Lose anymore,
you might disappear.

Oop, where'd she go?

Carrie? Carrie,
where are you?

Oh, there you are.

Hey, arwin,
what are you--

oh!

Ok, that's
a little disturbing.

I was just practicing
asking your mom out

because every time I try
to ask your real mom out,

I get lost in her

big, brown
beautiful eyes.

Arwin?

Yeah.

Put mom in a drawer
and come play with us.

I mean, every time we ask
somebody to play with us

they all say
the same thing.

I don't have time.

Yeah.

No, no. I mean, I
really don't have time.

See, when I'm not practicing
my dating skills,

I'm working on
a secret project.

So secret, in fact,

that no power
on earth

could make me
tell you what it is.

Then we won't ask.

Ok, ok.
I'm gonna tell you.

Are you ready?

, , ...

Tada!

Aaaah!

Yeah!

Wow. A pay phone.

You invented
something

that nobody
uses anymore.

[Thunder]

Ah! Lightning.

It's the perfect time
to try out

my parallel
universalizer.

Your what?

My p.U.

Well, that
clears things up.

Ok, ok. I've been
reading up

on the string theory.

Which is
the scientific basis

for moving from
one dimension to another.

Now, theoretically,

this machine
can transport you

to other worlds.

When you're
really hungry,

so can a dingdoodle.

Ok, my little skeptics.

We'll have
a demonstration.

Soon as I get back from the
little janitor's room.

Excuse me.

Nobody touch the p.U.

Until I get back
from my p.U.

I really have to go.

Zach.

Arwin said not to.

Ah, come on.

Nothing he ever makes works.

Please deposit another
cents

to go to a parallel world.

I don't have
any more change.

I've got a bus pass.

That'll work.

[Coughing]

Ah, I banged my head
on something hard.

Yeah. My head.

Looks like we're stuck

in the same old
boring world.

Radio: In the news today,
president Paris Hilton

announced that cellulite
is now illegal.

Don't let
Mr. moseby see us.

Remember, we're banned
from the lobby.

Hey, boys.

Hey, Mr. moseby.

Nice shades.

Thanks, z.
And I've told you...

Call me m.

You're not upset that
we're in the lobby?

Upset? Why would I
be upset?

Come on now.

Hey, what do you think
of my new lid?

Tight.

Actually,
it fits perfectly.

Ah! Come on.

Don't leave me hangin'.

Ease up. Go, uh!

Want to play
some football?

Yeah!

Let's go!
Go long, go long.

Time out.
Huddle up.

Ok...The--

not you.

Got it.

This must be a trap.

There's probably
a hidden camera somewhere.

Then moseby
will show mom the tape

and get us grounded.

Wow. He's even more
devious than I thought.

And now he's sh**ting
spitballs at the guests.

Ooh! Got you.

Ok, this is
officially weird.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Why are you wearing
maddie's clothes?

These aren't
maddie's clothes.

Well, except for her shoes.

Which, by the way,
are k*lling me.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I have to go work.

Work?
Work?

Hi. Bonjour.

Kisses. Look!

It's little me
back from paree.

So, are the shoes you've
been breaking in for me

comfortable yet?

They feel terrific.

And I'm sure the blood
stains will come out.

Maddie, how can you
afford all this stuff?

Did you win money
on a quiz show?

Maddie on a quiz show?

Please, she thinks
a polygon

means your parent's missing.

She thinks Ecuador

is how you get in
an ecua.

She thinks
the nutcracker suite

is the nicest room
at the nutcracker hotel.

She thinks--

are you trying
to insult me?

I rest my case.

You better watch it,

or your job at
the Fitzpatrick hotel

will be history.

Fitzpatrick hotel?

Since when is this
the Fitzpatrick?

Since my daddy
bought the hotel. Duh.

But you aren't...
And she's not...

And moseby
with the throwing...

Ok. We get it.

You guys are all trying
to teach us a lesson

by creeping us out.

And it's working.

I'm officially creeped.

How far are you guys

willing to go
for a joke?

[Clanging noise]

Hey, dudes.

Go get your
pogo sticks.

We'll pogo
in the park.

Whee!

Mom, haven't
you noticed

everyone's acting a
little weird around here?

I thought you guys
were downstairs

playing lobby
football with m?

Ok, knock it
off, mom.

Is that
baked Alaska?

It was.

Well, what are we
going to eat?

Whatever you want.
Just call room service.

You told us not to
do that anymore.

Why would I say that?

Then I'd have to
cook for you.

Ok.

See you guys tomorrow.
Maybe.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go
dye my hair blue.

So you can
dye your hair blue,

but we can't go
bungee jumping?

Now who said you can't go
bungee jumping?

It's quicker than
the elevator.

I can tell you that.

Bye, guys.

Could this get
any weirder?

[Knock on door]

Maid service.

That would be a yes.

Hola, little
blonde peoples.

I am here
to clean the room.

Esteban?

Estebanita.

Are you staring at me?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hi, guys!

Could you toss me...
My purse.

Cody...

I have a funny feeling

we're not in
Boston anymore.

Wow.

That was so much more
fun than the elevator.

I can't believe
arwin's machine

actually took us
to a parallel universe.

All for a quarter.

Yeah, there's
the headline.

Whoa, check out
the candy counter.

Hey, guys. Go ahead.

Take as much as you want.

Won't moseby me mad

if he finds out
we took some?

He'll be mad if you don't.

Sweet thing.

I love this place!

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, flying noogies!

Ahh!

Universe!

Nah nah nah nah!

Although I could do
without that.

London.

My shoes are now
acceptable,

and I would like
to take a walk in them.

Fine.

But I bet you can't walk
and chew gum.

Oh, yeah?

I meant
at the same time.

What, am I an acrobat?

Wow.

This maddie makes our
London look like a genius.

London,
it's raining outside.

Very good, maddie.

I need you to hold
my umbrella

so I won't get wet.

Hold your own umbrella.

I can't.
I'm too busy going...

Yeah, me!

Listen carefully,

nothing on earth will
make me walk behind you

holding an umbrella.

Here's $ .

After you.

If I feel one drop
of rain on my head,

I'm gonna give you such
a zets, you'll plotz.

Boy, talk about irony.

Uh-oh...

My cotton candy's
stuck to the couch.

Zach, Cody...

Couches are not
for eating.

They're for jumping!

Ha ha! Come on!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Ok, now,
you go up, and I go down.

Wanna watch
another movie?

We've been watching
movies for two days now.

I can't even blink.

My eyes
are out of saliva.

Hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

Where are you going?

On tour
to promote my cd.

It's number one
on the charts.

Well, who's going
to take care of us?

Well, you'll
take care of him,

he'll take care of you.

That's why I had twins.

Is that
such a good idea?

Don't worry, I got
everything taken care of.

I've even got
your dinner ready.

We've been kind of eating
candy for two days.

Yeah, don't you have
any vegetables?

Like green beans,
lima beans,

string beans?

How about jelly beans?

Yum.

Well, how long are you
gonna be gone?

Oh, just three months,
maybe a year.

Bye.

[Doorbell rings]

That must be
my manager.

Arwin?

It's a diddy.

Hi, a diddy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't
wrinkle the leather,

ok, babe?

Ok.

[Clears throat]

Ok.

So, you ready
to rock the world?

As long as I'm with you,
my world will be rocked.

[Giggling]

Yeah, listen...

Sweetheart...

How many times
have I told you?

A thousand.

A thousand times.

You don't want to get
involved with a guy like me.

I'm nothing but trouble.

Trouble...

With great hair.

Mom, can't we
go with you?

No, no, no, no.

Having you two along

wouldn't be good for
her superstar image.

Yeah, haven't you seen
the title of my new cd?

"Carrie Martin.
Who needs kids?"

So, we're not going to see
you for a whole year?

Of course
you're gonna see her.

She's got a pay per
view concert coming up.

Don't we get a hug?

Sorry. Got a plane
to catch.

Hug each other.

But mom?

I can't believe
she really left.

For a whole year.

Well, on the bright side,

we can do
whatever we want.

Go to bed late,
eat junk food.

But we're already
doing that.

I kind of miss mom
telling us

to eat our vegetables
and do our homework.

Yeah, and I miss
ignoring mom

telling us to eat our
vegetables and do our homework.

Having nothing but fun

really isn't
all that fun.

Yeah. We gotta get back.

[Thunder]

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Chihuahua's have
freakishly large ears?

'Cause I mean, compared
to their little bodies,

they're just like,
massive.

No!

I meant, remember when
we got in the machine,

there was that
bolt of lightning,

and that's what
activated the p.U.

Yes. We better get
down to arwin's office

before
the lightning ends,

or we could
get stuck here forever.

I got the quarter.

Oh, and by the way,

guess who's on the
quarter in this world?

George Washington?

No. George clooney.

I've got the bus pass.

Now, all we have to do

is just wait
for some lightning.

Did it work?

Radio: President Paris Hilton
made it illegal today

to weigh more than
pounds.

This will be
my last broadcast.

It didn't work.

Now we'll never see
our real mom again.

Wait a second.

I just
remembered something.

When the lightning struck,

you fell against that lever.

So, you want me to fall?

No need.

[Coughing]

Both: Arwin!

Zach! Cody!

Why are we yelling?

Because we missed you.

Well, I missed you, too.

How long were we gone?

You never left.

Yes, we did.

We were gone
for two days.

Your machine works.

It took us to
a parallel universe.

You wore leather,
you had hair.

And mom had
a huge crush on you.

She did?

Mom!

P.U., here I come.

Go, baby, go!

[Machine engine
starts and stops]

Ha ha ha ha!

No!

Go, baby, go!

I'm shorter here.

Oh...

Go, baby, go!

For the thousandth time,
no running in the lobby.

We're running
to hug you.

No hugging in the lobby.

We love you,
Mr. moseby.

You're so
wonderfully strict.

Yes, I am. Now let go.

Very well.

Maddie...

Are my shoes
broken in yet?

Yes, and I have
the bunions to prove it.

London, what's
times ?

A math question?

Yes! We're back!

How many times
have I told you guys,

no candy before dinner.

Both: Mom!

Ok...

We missed you.

I was only at
the grocery store

for minutes.

Would've been ,
but I couldn't decide

between one ply or two.

Just so you know,
tonight we'll be in bed,

teeth brushed, by : .

: . Tv off by : .

What is going on?

I know this sounds
kind of crazy,

but we went to
a parallel world,

and you let us do
anything we wanted,

and moseby was pogo
sticking in the lobby.

And you were in love
with arwin.

That's it. No more sugared
breakfast cereals.

It's true.
And you were there.

And you.

And you, too.

And the nuttiest
thing of all,

Esteban was a woman.

Hola.

[Both scream]

I'm going to
a costume party.

I did not think
I looked that bad.

You guys want
some pie for dessert?

I've got
apple or cherry.

How about spinach?

Wow. That dream must've
really affected you guys.

It wasn't a dream,
if it was,

how did we both
have the same one?

Well, it's actually a pretty
common thing with twins.

It's called
fallez a deux.

So that's French for, we
made the whole thing up?

Think about it.

A phone booth that takes you
to a parallel universe.

Bungee jumping
off the building?

And that all seems
pretty farfetched.

I guess it was
our twin telepathy again.

I knew you were
gonna say that.

Well, it's : .
We better get to bed.

I sure hope we don't
have that dream again.

I'll be in
in a second, guys.

Hmm.

George clooney.

I'll keep this one.