03x06 - Baggage

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody". Aired: March 18, 2005 - September 1, 2008.*
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Comedy centered around twin brothers Zack & Cody living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer.
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03x06 - Baggage

Post by bunniefuu »

Ficer,
I don't care
if it's been less

Than hours.

My niece nia
is missing!

Hey, uncle marion.

One second, nia.

She's ' ",
years old.

Well, she's wearing
blue jeans and
a white blou--

Oh, ha ha ha!

That's my--ooh, ooh!

[stammers]
never mind.

Nia! Ohhh.

What took you
so long?

Well, I sold
my plane ticket
and took the bus.

What'd you do
with the extra money?

I got you a gift.

[gasps] how sweet.

Ooh, ooh!
Look at that.

Earrings?

I don't wear earrings.

Really? Well, I guess
I'll have to keep them.

Oh...

Same old nia,

Always looking
for the quick buck.

Quick? That
was a -hour ride

Sitting next to a guy
who smelled like a goat.

I won't even tell you

What his goat
smelled like.

Thank you.

Now, I promised
your mother I would
take you in this summer

And turn you
into a proper young lady.

You know that was
aunt lily's job last year?

After one week with me,

She changed her name
and moved to alaska.

Anyway, I told your mother
what you need is a job.

Hmm? Now millicent
will show you what to do.

Hey, millicent.

We'll take
a chocolate crispy bar.

Heh, it's my money.
We'll take some
twisty corn puffs.

Crispy bar!

Twisty puffs!
Crispy bar!

Twisty puffs!
Crispy bar!

Twisty puffs!
Ok, that's it!

It's because of you people
that I wake up

In the middle
of the night screaming!

Well, I kind of
did that before.

But it's gotten worse
since I started
working here.

Eat this!

And like it!

Wow, millicent,

I've never seen you stand up
for yourself like this.

Yeah. It felt good.

[thud]

Looks
like an easy job.

All you have
to do is lie down.
I'll get started.

Wha--oh!

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Remember, heavy things
go on the bottom of the bag

And delicate things
on the top.

You know, I have a little
poem to help you remember.

You know, you
really don't have to--

Eggs that break,
grapes that squish

Are always on the top.

If they leak,
the bag will break

And everything goes plop.

Yeah,
that's great, but--

Heavy cans, boxes, too,
always go in first.

Never push
or shove things in,

The bag
will surely burst.

Well, at least
it's better

Than your
bath time poem.

In this tub
are you and me,

So listen, bub,
please don't...

Splash.

Wow, you guys are doing
a great job.

What am I paying you?

Minimum wage.

Works for me!

Hello, wormser.

What do you want, pitz?

Well, I thought

I'd come check out
the competition, but...

Clearly,
you're no competition.

Oh, puh-lease.

Why would anyone
in their right mind

Want to go
to the betsy ross
stop & slop?

It's "shop."

Oh, I've seen
your produce.

It's "slop."

Why, you...

[both yelling]
guys, guys!

Easy.

Zack: Yeah.

We got old ladies
shopping here.

I bet she was
when you started
ringing her up.

Wormser: Hey!

I happen to have
of the fastest
baggers in boston.

Really?
Can we meet them?

They might
be able to help us.

I'm talking
about you guys!

Well, my baggers,
joey and gunther,

Can out-bag
these losers any day.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you're on,
betsy boy.

My brother and I
are like lightning.

We got hand-eye,
baby, hand-eye.

We'd bag your guys
under the table.

You care to put
your double coupons
where your mouth is?

You're on!

It'll be
a mini-mart triathlon.

Bagging, pricing,
and cleaning.

Oh, my!

And if you lose,
you and your baggers

Have to stand outside
our store all day

Dressed as
paul revere's horse.

[neighs]
yeah!

But if you lose,
you have to stand out
in front of my store

Wearing
betsy ross dresses.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

No problem!

'cause my guys
can't lose.

That doesn't count.

Mint me, candy girl.

Excuse me,
but I have a name.

Excuse me, but, uh,
I don't like to read.

Excuse me, but, uh,
you should try.

Your turn.

Just mint me.

Well, if you insist.

Consider yourself minted.

That's disgusting.

No. That's peppermint.

Moseby!

I have
a problem here.

Ohh. Did you miss
your mouth again?

No, that's
not the problem.

The problem is her!

I want her fired.

He ain't
going to fire me.

I'm his favorite niece.

Ain't that right,
uncle marion?

Well, you are
my only niece.

Ergo, my favorite.

Wait--
wait a minute--

Who's your favorite?
Her or this
ergo person?

I just heard the air
go out of her head.

That's london tipton,

Whose father signs
both of our paychecks.

Oh, girl, did I tell you

You look fabulous
in that dress?

Really?
You think?

Yeah!

Do you model?
[gasps]

I like her.
Why would you want
fire her, moseby?

Yeah, moseby.

I mean, uncle marion.

By the way, is it true
that you own a private jet?

Jets.
Ooh, even better!

You take one and I'll take one
and we'll race to paris.

Dibs on
the pink one!

All right!

[stammers]
excuse me.

Look, london is
my responsibility,

And I don't want you
taking advantage of her.

[sputters]

I resent that.

I like london
for who she is--

A sweet,
friendly girl,

Whose yacht is so big
she's got her own
drive-thru restaurant.

Hold up there, girl.
[chuckles]

Say, why don't
we go fly to london?

I'm already here.

Done!

How was that?

[sighs]

Great...

If you like
guys, what are you
still doing here?

Your shift
was over hours ago.

Well...

Hello, ms. Martin.

May I offer you
my heart...

Of palm? Get it?
Heart of palm?

Fits right
in the can.

Yeah, I think
I'm going to artichoke.

I see you're also
a fan of produce humor.

Oh, yeah.

We're peas
in a pod.

[laughs]
that's a good one!

Yeah. Ok, boys,
let's go.

But we need
more practice

If we're
going to out-bag

The betsy ross
stop & shop.

Oh, I've been there.
You've got no chance.

I'm sorry,
but that gunther kid

Finished bagging
my groceries before
I even got my wallet out.

Well, a little
more training

And these yahoos

Will kick some
betsy ross butt!

Ok.

I still
don't understand.

If I'm taking your shift
so you can go to a concert,

Why are you
still getting the money?

[scoffs] hello?

It's my shift.

Oh, right.
Thanks for explaining.

Ready to go
it's nia.O the concemi

I got the "ia"
part right.

Yes, sir-ia,
and more importantly,

You got us front-row seats
to see toxic vomit. Yeah!

Ok, let's hit it,
girlfriend.

Don't do that.

You got it, sistah.

That, either.

Ever.

Oh! Guess what, moseby?

Tia and I
are best friends.

It's nia!

I like tia better.
Can you change it?

Are we going
in your limo?
Mm-hmm.

Call me tia!

Come on. We're late for
the toxic vomit concert.

Oh, no, you
can't go see them.

Their last concert
ended in a riot.

Not a big one.

No.

But--but--
[moseby buzzes]

And that is
the last [buzzes]

I have
on the subject.

Oh, well. Say,

You want to go
up to my suite

And count my purses?

Yeah, as much fun
as that sounds, um...

I was really looking forward
to going to that concert.

Well,
you heard moseby.

He said--[buzzes]

Well, here's what I say--

Pbblth!

You can't
"pbblth" moseby!

Yes, I can,
and so can you.

He is not
the boss of you.

You the boss of him.

You're right.
I'm london tipton,

And I can do whatever
I want whenever I want.

Let's sneak out the back.
Ok.

[people chattering]

'scuse me.

We don't allow
riffraff in this hotel.

Oh! Riff and raff
stayed at the concert.

This is steve and jackie.

Welcome to the tipton,
steve and jackie

And the rest of y'all.

We're having
a little party in my suite,

So send up enough
hors d'oeuvres for...

Uh, .

Ok, I know I'm
not very good at math,

But I could swear
there are only

, --stop moving!

I lost my place.

Now I have to start
all over again.

Honey, honey--

Don't strain yourself.

I might have invited
a few more people.

You know--

Mr. Moseby, though
much shorter than I am

And strikes fear
into my very core,

Doesn't allow you
to have big parties
this late.

Look...

Is the name on
the hotel "the moseby"?

Or the tipton?

I don't know.
I'm still dizzy from
the math I just did.

Ok, we're--we're going
to the penthouse, y'all.

This way, dizzy.

[rock music playing]

Hey! Pipe down!

Mom.

Your screaming
woke us up.

But the music didn't?

Yeah, we're used
to falling asleep
to toxic vomit.

Look, I know
my cooking's not that good.

Mom.

That's the name
of the band.
Oh.

Silly me.
[beeps]

Oh, I can't get through
to the front desk.

I'll be right back.

Isn't that
inconsiderate?

Yeah, it sure is.
They didn't invite me.

You can't go.

We need our sleep.

We're finely tuned
athletes in training.

We put cans...

In bags.

But quickly.

As long as we're up,
we might as well
practice our bagging.

You know what?
You're right.

Oh, oh,
and I have a new poem
that'll help us out.

When you get out of bed,

Bag your head!

I have a poem, too.

You're a jerk!

[crowd
shouting]
I'm working
on it, sir.

I'm going
to try and get
someone down here.

Just give me
there's a--I--minu

Hey!

Carey: Skippy.

Can I speak to you?

[whispering]
oop, sorry.

Oh, you're not going
to yell at me, are you?

No.

No, I just want
to know what's going on.

Oh, well, nothing much.

Just, uh, taking
a couple of night courses--

Animal husbandry,
etiquette--

I meant
about the noise!

You lied to me.

Call moseby.

Skippy: Ow!

Skippy: Mr. Moseby?

I'm sorry to call you
at home, but we got
a slight problem here.

Man: Look out!

Actually,
it's raining furniture!

Okey-dokey.

What'd he say?

Moseby said
he'd be here

As soon as possible.

Oh, but that could take...
I'm here!

Seconds.

Sorry
it took me so long.

Traffic.

[rock music playing]

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I am
very, very sorry.

I have everything
under control.

Yeah, mr. Moseby,
you might want to--with--


Oh! Oh, they--yes.
We're working on our new
night managing uniform.

[laughs]
but I'll take it off.

Please relax
and stay calm.

[chuckles]
wonderful.

London,
open up the door!

Mr. Moseby, don't
you have an access card

That opens every door
in this hotel?

Oh, yes, but I'm afraid
I left it at home.

Oh, here,
use zack's.

Don't give me that look.
I confiscated it from him.

Yes, you're
mother of the year.

Well, at least
the children
left in my care

Are safe in bed
and not partying
like wild animals.

Yeah, baby.
Shake it.

Zachary martin,
what are you doing here?

[yawns] oh, my gosh, I must
have been sleep-dancing.

Yeah, nice try.

You and your brother
have a competition,

And you're
letting him down.

Uh-huh,
uh-huh! Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

Don't touch me,
don't touch me,
don't touch me,

Don't touch me,
don't touch me.

[crowd groans]

Cody.

You said you guys
were in training.

Well, I just came
up here to get zack.

But then I met sheena,

And she awakened
the sleeping man
that lies within me.

You two back
to the suite, now!

Let's go, sheena.

Thanks, mom!
You're the best.

Not you.

[whispering]
call me.

As for the rest of you,
you can either
exit out the door

Or follow the furniture
out the window.

[crowd grumbling]

Not...

You two.

I expressly told you
not to go to that concert.

We didn't go
to any concert.

Then where'd you
get those t-shirts?

The concert.

Why don't you let me
do the talking?

Ok.

First
you disobey me,

Then you destroy
my hotel?

We didn't
destroy the hotel.

There's a futon
in my ficus.

I would have
a doctor look at that.

That's it.

You two are
grounded for a month.

Ooh, could it
be last month?

I'm busy this month.

months!

Hold up, look.
I came up here

As a responsible
tipton employee

To try to keep
these kids quiet,

But london here

Wouldn't listen to me.

See ya!

Not so fast, lia.

It's nia!

Whatever!
Nia, tia, lia, gia.

This whole thing
was all your fault.

I mean, it was you guys
who wanted to go
to the concert.

Ok, are you
going to believe me

Or the girl here who
thinks I'm a soccer team?

Well, your track record
does speak for itself.

Ooh! You run track?
I tried that once.

But then they
put little fences
in front of me

And I kept tripping.
Plus, the other girls
wouldn't wait for me.

You still expect me
to believe

London was the mastermind
behind all this?

Yeah, that
was a tough sell.

Ok, I'll go pack my bags
and you can ship me off

To some other relative.

No, no, no.

You are not
getting off that easy.

You're staying here.

I promised your mother

That I would turn you
into a responsible
young adult.

And though
I bitterly regret it,

A promise is a promise.

Wow.

No one has ever taken
that much interest in me,
uncle marion. Thank you.

You know what?

Tart over.

A--a clean slate,
like tonight
never even happened.

Deal.

Ooh, does that mean
we're not grounded?

Oh, right!
Ooh, you're sneaky.

Didn't I tell you
let me do all the talking?

But--I mean--
[buzzes]

Wow. You are
moseby's niece.

Aah!

Wormser:
On your mark, get set...

Sweep!

[crowd cheering]

Done!

Zack!

Yeah?
[coughs]

[all cheering]

I told you
not to drink
all that soda

At the party
last night.

When did you
finally fall asleep?

During that last event.

Pitz: Hey, wayne.

Oh, I see a betsy ross
dress in your future.

What size petticoat
do you wear?

[all laugh]

It ain't over
till the fat lady sings.

Oh. Sorry.

I didn't mean to bring
your mother into this.

What's wrong with you?

Sorry, I'm just
a little tired.

Well, you better
wake up, pal,

Because I do not look
good in women's clothes!

Yeah, just for the record,

You don't look so hot
in men's clothes, either.

Ok.

This is our last
chance to win.

Well, I just need
a little something
to wake me up.

I was thinking
more like some candy.

I meant eat some candy.

And you think
that'll help?

You boys
know the rules.

All the items must
fit into one bag.

That bag must be carried
through the course...

To the car...

Without breaking the bag
or anything inside of it.

On your marks...

Get set...

Go, go, go, go, go!

Yes!
Yes, the canned ham.

Now the soups!

No coaching!
Not the chips.

No coaching.
Be the bag, be the bag.

[all yelling]

Good, go, go!

Go, get it! Come on!

Yeah!

[all cheering]

Not so fast.

Huh?

Aha, broken eggs,
broken dreams.

Oops.

I guess I was
so tired, I put the
eggs at the bottom.

You forgot the poem?

As paul revere
would say,

"the losers
are coming,

The losers
are coming. "

No!

This is all
your fault, zack.

I don't know how you're
going to sleep tonight.

Apparently...

Cuddling a bag
of potatoes.

Hello? Is anybody here?

I would like
to buy this fish.

Ew, it's got
tire tracks on it.

Ok, never mind. I'm going to
the betsy ross stop & shop.

Wayne: So am I.

Aah!

This corset's k*lling me.

No, I think
you're k*lling it.

Do these stars
make me look fat?

I don't know.
I think I'm still blind
from looking at wayne.

Look, guys.
I want to apologize.

I mean, this
is all my fault.

My bragging got us
into this stupid contest,

And then I didn't take
the stupid contest seriously

And I let you guys down.

Mom, I think
you should take me home

And just
lock me in my room.

Not so fast, betsy.

That's right. You're coming
with us, young lady.

Mom, aren't you
going to say anything?

Yeah. Smile.
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