03x13 - Team Tipton

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody". Aired: March 18, 2005 - September 1, 2008.*
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Comedy centered around twin brothers Zack & Cody living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer.
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03x13 - Team Tipton

Post by bunniefuu »

Clearly the cologne
has gone to your head.

Hey, sweet thing.

Although it's been ages
since I've seen you,

Now that you're back
from saving the penguins,

It's like you never left.

I never did.
Aaah!

Aaah!
Aaah!

Aaah!

Zach was expecting
to see maddie,

So he's disappointed
that it's you.

I get that a lot.

It's nothing personal.

I--I like you,
and I hope we can
still be friends.

I get that a lot, too.

Hey, g-g-guys,
I'm b-b-ack!

Maddie!

Oh, zach!

Don't let go of me.

I knew you'd miss me.

Actually, I'm still
defrosting from antarctica.

Hey, maddie, it's good
to see you again.

Cody, hi!

Better.

Warmer.
Maddie!

Esteban! Hug! Here! Now!

Ok.

Arwin! Don't be shy,
get over here!

Ooh, group hug!

I love group hugs,
especially with other people.

Hey, lady,

Come on, I could
really use the heat!

After her!

Wow, she's fast!

♪here I am in your life ♪

♪here you are in mine ♪

♪yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪most of the time ♪

♪you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪so come on down ♪

♪just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪so come on down ♪

it's you and me
and me and you

we got the whole place
to ourselves

♪you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪so come on down ♪

♪this is the suite life ♪

♪we've got a suite life ♪

Zach...

Everyone else let go
minutes ago.

I'm warm now.

Ok, but just
for the record,

You're not just warm,
you're hot.

Ok, that deserves another hug,
get over here!

Um, uh, zach!

We have
a little problem.

Not now.

[scottish accent]
listen, manny, do you
take me for an idjiot?

Me and the laddies
come for a wee bit
of beddy time

With some kelpy gas me pipes!

Do you know what I'm sayin'?

[scottish accent]
no, laddie,
I cannot say I do!

Ah, [indistinct]
real, manny!

Take a listen.

[normal voice]
oh, I see, I see!

Someone has ruined
your bagpipes.

I am terribly sorry.

If you'll allow me,
I'm sure we can--

No, wait, wait!

Wait! Aah!

Ugh!

Why, you boggin'
noopty gagee!

Laddies, let's bring
to another buffet!

No, please don't bring!

You won't find
a better buffet
in boston!

Oh, wait!

Oh, oh! I have no idea
how this could have
happ-ened.

Oh, it was you,
you wee beasties!

Ugh!

Oh, madeline!
Welcome home!

Don't move.

Oh!

It's so good
to have you back.

All right, boys,
let's talk.

Ok. You know,
I think the red sox

Have a pretty good chance
this year.

No, I meant about
the bagpipes!

[sighs] sorry!

In my defense,
I didn't know
it was a bagpipe.

I thought it was the new
super squirter octopus,

The one with nozzles.

In my defense,
I'm not zach.

Oh!

Hey, millicent.

I'm maddie.
It's nice to meet you.

Hey, maddie.

London has told me
a lot about you.

I don't think your hair
is that hideous.

Hmm. Thanks.

And, uh, you're not
as high strung
as london says.

Hey, millicent--
aah!

Oops. Spoke too soon.

Hi, you must be
maddie.

Your hair's
not that hideous.

So I've been told.

And you must be nia.
Yeah.

I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

Likewise.

Oh, if you'll just give me
the register key,

I'll take over my shift.

Um, well,
actually, uh,
it's my shift now,

So can I have
the key, please?

Uh, heh, uh, you know,
I know I've been away
for a while,

But, uh, this has always
been my shift.

Key, please?

It's my shift now.

Can I have
the key, please?

I've worked a long time
for this shift.

It's mine. Millicent,
give me the key!

Uh-uh! Uncle marion
gave it to me,
so key!

[both yelling at once]

Great.

See, look what you did.
This is your fault.

Girls, girls, girls!
What is going on here?

Hello, millicent.

Mr. Murphy, would you
please explain to nia

That this is my shift?

Uh, no, it's not.

Mr. Moseby!
I need my locker moved.

I am sick
of esteban's chicken

Pecking at my personal
property!

It is telly's way
of telling you
he likes you.

Obviously, telly's
not a very good
judge of character.

Ok.

Mr. Moseby,
I have a complaint.
Yes?

Last night,
a certain maitre d'

Let his waiters
clank their dishes
through my entire set.

They were trying
to hide the fact

That there was
no applause.

Oh.

All right, all right--

Wait, can't this wait?

Because mr. Moseby's
dealing with my issue
right now.

Um, excuse me,
there is no dealing,

Because this is my shift.

No, it is not.
Yes, this is my shift.

Moseby, moseby,

Nervous maddie
just passed out again,

Cranky maddie
isn't at the counter.

[gasps] hideous hair maddie,
you're back!

Suddenly I miss
the frozen tundra.

Well, feel free
to go back.

And take the turkey
with you.

Telly is a chicken.

I wasn't talking about him.

[all talking at once]

Hey, g*ng.

Ooh, group bicker!
I love group bickers!

Especially
with other people!

I'm upset! Bicker,
bicker, bicker!

[high-pitched voice]
bicker, bicker, bicker!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, people! People,
people, please, please!

We are here to learn
to treat each other
with respect and dignity.

So shut up and listen!

Now, I have brought in
a gentleman

Who will help us improve
our group dynamics.

Allow me to introduce
mr. Sandy buttocks.

[laughter]

Uh, it's actually
pronounced "boo-toe."

It's...French.

Is it french
for "buttocks?"

[laughter]

Hi.
Hi.

I'm carey.

I can't wait
to put myself
in your hands.

Back off,
buttocks boy.
She's with me.

Arwin, sit.

See? She didn't
ask you to sit!

Ha ha!

You are going
to love this hotel

A lot better
than the st. Mark.

Oh, it's lucky I ran into you,
young man.

It's unfortunate
about the st. Mark.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Built on an ancient
burial ground, you said?

Yeah, they have a lot
of problems over there.

Trees coming to life,

Tvs eating children!

Whereas here, we have
a free continental breakfast

And the finest staff
in all of boston.

[grunting]

Ah.

And him.

How exactly
did you get tangled
in the phone cord?

Well, it started
when the phone rang,

And from there,
it was all downhill.

Hey, skippy, I've got
a big convention
for you to check in.

Hey, zach,
what are you doing?

I'm doing the mature thing.

I'm making it up to moseby
for losing all those guys
in skirts.

Be sure to tell maddie.

You really think
that's going to make
maddie want to date you?

Well, that and this moustache.

Yeah, it's hard to see
in this lighting.

Or any lighting.

So, uh, what kind of
convention is this?

Oh, um, my colleagues and I
are entomologists.

Here at the tipton,
we don't care what kind
of religion you are.

Actually, uh,

Entomologists study bugs.
Bugs?

Back on the farm,
we had all sorts of big,
scary looking things--

Startin' with grandpa.

[yelling]

You could slap
a saddle on that thing

And ride it all the way
to the county fair!

Co-workers are like family.

You--you don't get
to choose them.

Oh! [laughs]

Well, in some cases,
co-workers are family.

Mr. Moseby gave my shift
to his niece.

Some might say
it's nepotism!

Mm, you mean
niece-potism.

I'm about to give you
a smack-motism.

Oh, why don't you stand up
and do something about it?

[both yelling at once]

This is good.

We're getting out
our issues.

Good, yes, and when
issues get out,

We're gonna have
a steel cage match.

Oh, I'll give you
a steel--

You want this?
You want this?

Enough!

[speaking gibberish]

Could we just get on
with it, mr. Buttocks?

It's pronounced
"boo-toe."

I took french
in high school.

Wow. Which I'm sure
wasn't very long ago.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

All right, all right,
let's move on

To an exercise to help us
with trusting each other.

It's not that lame old
fall in thing, is it?

It's not lame.

E,
let's pair up.

Dibs on carrie!
I got her!

Yes! You gotta be
faster than that.

Ok, good.

All right, so now one person
stands with their back

To their partner.

I will say "go,"

And then you will trust
that your partner will
be there to catch you.

Oh, look, I really
don't trust any
of these people,

So I'm just gonna
do this by myself.

Here I go.

No, no, no.
[thump]

Ow.

[gasps] I forgot
to catch myself!

Hey, squirrelly girl.

Looks like
I'm stuck with you.

Come here.

Ok.

Everybody ready?
Yes!

Yeah.
Whatever.

Yay.

And...Go!

Trust, trust, trust.

What's a matter, millicent?
Is there, uh, a problem?

No, no problem.

Just don't want
to fall.

Are you saying
you don't trust me?

Yes. No.

Not just you.
I have trust issues,

And abandonment issues
and fear issues.

Can I just knock her down?

I got this.

Arwin?
Yes?

I'm done falling.
Hmm?

You can let go.
Oh, sorry.

Ahem.

I'd like bags of chips,
magazines and a candy bar.

All I have is
a hundred dollar bill,

And I need my change
in quarters.

[thump]

That's close enough.
It's fine.

I can't believe
I'm face to antenna

With a coleoptera
esetari al borum!

English?

No, latin.

It's a beetle
that eats wood.

Right.

Now remember,
dr. Mantis said

To keep the room warm
for the bugs.

Got it.

I also ordered
a hot fudge sundae.

For the bugs.

But somebody's
got arms and can't
hold a spoon!

Ha ha ha! Aahh!

Aaah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no, oh, no!

No, oh, no,
the bugs are out!

Quick, we gotta pick 'em up!

Relax! If they're all
stuck in this room,

What are they gonna do?
Open the door? Ha ha.

No, just eat it!

Ok, ok.

Let's try
a different exercise.

Ooh! How about jumping jacks?

I'll go get my stretchy pants.

Ok, not what I meant.

We are going
to carry someone

Using just fingers each.

You will be amazed
at how easy tasks become

When you work together!

So, let's pick
the smallest person here.

Millicent.

No, I don't want
to be lifted up.

I'm short,
I like being
close to the ground.

Come on, millicent,
there's no "I" in "team."

There is in
"injury."

Look, let's just
get this over with.

We can either lift you up
with fingers,

Or I can knock you down
with five. Your choice.

Lift away!

Hey, this isn't so bad.

It's actually fun.

Whee!

There, see?

When you put
your faith in
your co-workers,

Nothing bad can happen.

Who ordered the bagels?

Ooh, bagels!

Ok, ok, remember,
if you see a bug,

Just, uh, put in the box
and stay cool.

Right.

Aah!

Sorry! [softly] aah!

It's either
a really big bug,

Or a tiny dog
with a thousand feet!

Aaah! Are you crazy?

This is a priceless
malaysian millipede,
mister!

Ugh! Come any closer
with that,

And I'm going to millipee
in my pants.

All right, all right.

Now all we need to do
is find the mexican
red kneed tarantula,


And all
the south american
wood-eating beetles.

What are you talkin' about?

The bugs are in the room.

They just ordered a sundae.

Yeah, um,
about that,

They kind of
escaped.

What do you mean
by "kinda?"

Like, if you don't
help us find them,

You're kind of going
to lose your job.

Oh, no!

Mr. Moseby's gonna be
madder than grandma

When someone somebody
put slick 'em
on her cane!

T rry.

Ave do
is turn off

All of the lights
in the hotel

And lure the beetles
back to the room
using flashlights.

Will that work?
Well, yes.

Beetles are
attracted to light.

And it would always
help if we imitate
their mating call.

What's it sound like?

Like zach
when he's trying
to impress a woman.

You want me to say,
"hey, baby,

"did you just break wind?

'cause you're
blowing me away!"

You mean... No, no, no,
[clicking teeth]other on

Bingo.

All right, I'll run down
to the basement

And turn off
the main lights.

And, uh,
and I'll get
the flashlights!

Right! Meanwhile,
I'll go flirt
with maddie.

Uh, zach, um...

Zach: Maddie, I know
you've always thought
of me as a child,

But take a look at me now.

There's a giant spider
on your head!

I feel the same way--
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yeah, a little freaky.

Oh, get it off,
get it off, get it off!

Mommy!

Spider!

Shouldn't you tell him
the spider's off his head?

[yelling]

Maybe later.

Ok, people.

The best way
to understand
a co-worker

Is by...Stepping
into their shoes.

But I'm a dainty size ,

And maddie has the feet
of sasquatch!

He means we act like
someone else to see
their point of view.

For example,
I'll be you.

Meet me, candy girl.

Even though you're busy,
forget the other customers,

Because I'm more
important.

Yay, me!

Sorry, london,
I can't right now,

Because I have to tell you
a boring story

About one of my weird relatives.

Do me a favor and pretend
to listen, would you,

While I go on and on and on
wearing my really ugly clothes!

Oh, and let's not forget,

Now that I'm back
from saving the penguins,

I want everyone
to drop everything
that they're doing,

And do it the way
that I want it.

And I'm nia.

I'm gonna make you
do what I say

'cause I'm tough
and can crush you
like a grape!

I was talking about
another nia.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I'll do patrick.

Well...

What's that?

I suppose
I could get you
to finish dinner

In time to see
carey martin's show,

But that would mean
working hard.

All: Ooh.

[all talking at once]

Which reminds me,

Mr. Moseby, can I take
something that's working
perfectly well

And do some
convoluted thing to it
until it breaks?

[laughs]

Arwin, I don't think
you're supposed
to imitate yourself.

Ok, I thought
I was doing esteban.

No, no, esteban
is more like this.

"oh, mr. Moseby,

"oh, can I have
the day off?

"because my chicken
has chicken pox,

"and I can't feed him
chicken soup

"because he's a chicken!

"did I mention the fact
that I have a chicken?

[all talking at once]

Oh, very well!

[all talking at once]

Good luck with that.

Oh, keep carrying those bags,
esteban, like a pack mule

While I sit in my office
talking to my mommy.

[all talking at once]

This is a disaster!

Oh, no!

This is a disaster!

Oh, man.

This is the fifth floor
we've tried,

And still no bugs.

Yeah, but zach's clickin'
has gotten better.

I'm not clicking.

Then who is?

They are!

Please tell me
that carpet
is moving!

No, that's the bugs,
and they've had babies.

And their babies
had babies.

But look,
they're following the light.

Go left.

Go right!

[laughs]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh! I think
the battery's dead!

What--what do we do?

Don't worry,
I'll protect you.

That one!

That one!

[chomp]

Run!

[screaming]

Both: Whoa!

I don't like the darkness.

No one can see my clothes.

Don't worry. I'll just
flip the switch

On my handy-dandy
pocket generator.

Oh, wow.

Why do you keep
a generator
in your pocket?

Well, my handy dandy
shoe generator
was broken, so...

Well done, people!

It is important
in a crisis situation
to remain calm.

Aaah!

Bugs!

Bugs in my hotel? Never!

[all screaming]

What do we do,
what do we do?

Every man for himself!

[yelling]

He's no man!
I'll save you, carrie.

Ahh!

Hi, how are you?

Run!
Oh, sorry.

Oh! Oh, boy,
they're really big!

But I'm not scared.

[mouthing]

Wait! I know these bugs.

We have swarms like this
in my country

The second Thursday
of every month.

And how do you
get rid of them?

Ok, ok, the only way
to get rid of them

Is to make the sound
of their only
natural predator,

The great mountain hog.

[snorting]

[all snorting]

Patrick, that is
the sound of the russian
mountain hog.

Oh. [snorting deeply]

Oh, that's better.

[all snorting]

We're scaring them away!
We're scaring them away!

Well, don't scare them away!
Scare them into the box.

[all snorting]

Ooh-whee, that's some
good bug wranglin', y'all!

[all cheering]

All right,
all right!

Now how did this happen?

A bug convention.

We booked
a bug convention?

Yeah, I lured away
a group of [stammering]

Bug freaks...

Away from the st. Mark

To make up for losing
the bagpipers.

Really?

Whoo, ok.

I did a few yoga poses
and now I am feeling better.

So let's continue
with team building!

Oh, I think not.

Those bugs did more
to bring us together
as a team

Than you ever did.

Yeah!
Really?

Well, in the weeks
since I earned
my certificate,

You are the worst team
that I have ever led.

All: Oh!
Yes.

I mean, you guys
work together

About as well as monkeys
with bananas.

Really, can't work
together, that's what
you're saying?

Mmm, well, I guess
you haven't seen
the tipton toss.

Everybody, fingers.

Aah! [yelling]

Captioning made possible by
disney abc cable networks group

[crash]

Look, he landed
on his boo-toe!
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