03x16 - Tiptonline

[bunniefuu]

Hey, mr. Moseby.

Can't talk now.
Working on a very
important hotel problem.

I was just gonna
say hi.

But there's no time
for that.

You'll say hi,
I'll say hi.

You'll say,
"how's it going?"
I'll say, "fine."

Then I'll feel
compelled to ask you,
"how's it going?"

Even though
I don't care.

Then suddenly
I'm listening to you

Drone on and on
and on and on.

Hey, mom?

Can I have an advance
on my allowance?

Another one?
You've already gotten
advances through retirement.

Ok, in that case,

Can I have an advance
on my inheritance?

Oh, come on,
you're not gonna
live forever.

Keep asking me for money,
and neither will you.

Well, please?

It's for something
really important.

What's that?

An enchanted
sorcerer wand.

Oh, well, as long as it's
not for something silly.

It's for this new
online video game,

"medieval magic quest,"

Where you exist in
a computer-generated world

And interact
with virtual people.

Oh, good. Then you can
get your virtual mother
to give you the money.

Please, mom. This game
is pure fun and fantasy.

There are no mothers.

Fine. Maybe you can
use your magic wand

To get mr. Moseby
to give me a raise.

Aw, thanks, mom!

I love it!

You already bought it?

Well, yeah.
I didn't want to wait,
so I used my own money.

Now I can
pay myself back.

Think I have
a virtual headache.

No. No, it's real.

here I am in your life

here you are in mine

yes, we have
a suite life

most of the time

you and me,
we got the world to see

so come on down

just me and you
know what to do

so come on down

it's you and me

and me and you

we got the whole place
to ourselves

you and me,
we got it all for free

so come on down

this is the suite life

we've got a suite life

[doorbell rings]

What took you so long?

I called you
minutes ago.

Well, I'm here now.
What's the emergency?

The internet's broken.

Heh heh.

I doubt that.

The internet
is a global network
of fiber-optic backbones

With failsafe
access points and
redundant router protocols.

The internet's broken.

All right, well, here.

Let me try ending
some system processes.

[chimes]
there. You're back online.

Were you trying to
search for yourself?

Oh. Maybe I'm over there.

Oh, I was right!
I'm right here.

Ha ha!

I meant search for yourself
on the internet.

I can do that?

Well, maybe you can't,
but everybody else can.

London...

Tipton.

[chimes]

Wow.
Over a million hits.

Ooh! Let's look at portia
to see how much less
popular she is than me.

All right. Portia...

Tenenbaum.

[chimes]

Wow. million hits.

Gasp! How could
she have more
hits than me?

She has her own web show.

A web show?

She has her own
web show?

I cannot believe she
has her own web show!

What's a web show?

Take that, ogre.
And take that, troll.

Take that...

Lamp.

Hey, zack.
I'm back from the market.

Ah, rations!

Maketh me a sandwich,
wench.

Excuse me?

Pleaseth?

You seem to be
enjoying this game

More than the math game
I got you--

"multiplication celebration:
Easy as pie."

Oh, that's not true.
I'm using that one
as a coaster.

Well, it's a start.

You see that sorcerer?

That's me: Moltak firewind.

I've joined an alliance
with another player

Who calls himself
jango darkblade.

He's a shadow knight.

So many questions...

But I think
I'll start with
what's a shadow knight?

Heh heh.
Hello, a dark paladin.

A warrior.

Man, he's incredible.

[computer roars]

Oh, you see him?

He's taking down
that lava dragon!

Aw, man, I pledge my wand
to thee, jango darkblade.

Ok, zack, let's
grabeth hold of reality

And taketh it
for a ride, shall we?

Enough with the game.
You need some fresh air
and sunlight.

Aw, mom,
I get plenty of that.

Aah! Close it! Close it!
It burns!

Ok, everything is set up
for your web show.

Now I'm going to count
backwards from .

You don't
have to show off.

You already
have the job.

Ok, how about I just cue
you by saying "action"?

Hi, I'm--
nope, nope, nope.

Not yet. Not yet.
I have to turn on
the computer.

Oh, sorry.

[chimes]

Ok, and action.

I said action!

I know, but I can't go on
without applause.

There's no one
here but me.

Yay, london! Whoo!
We love you!

All right,
all right, all right.

Please stop.
You're embarrassing me.

Hi, I'm london tipton. Duh!

And welcome to "yay me!"

The show about me,

Coming from me bedroom
where me sleeps!

Later, my special guest

Will be the man responsible
for portia tenenbaum's
last nose jobs,

Dr. Fred zipinpickle!

Hi, london.
I'm really glad--
zip it, pickle.

Dr. Z is going to show us
how to pick your nose.

Oy.

But first,
let's hear our theme song.

Theme song?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?really great,
really great ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?she deserves the opposite
of hate, which is love! ?

Everyone sing along!

?london tipton's
really great ?
[humming]

?really great,
really great ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?she deserves the opposite
of hate, which is love! ?

Ok, our first segment
today is...Is...

London's mail bag!

London's mail bag.

[chimes]

Oh, here's one now.
Londonfan says...

"what a fabulous scarf."

Good question--$ , .

But it wouldn't look
fabulous on just anyone.

I'll show you what I mean.

Can I get a volunteer
from the studio audience?

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh, london,
we don't have--

Ok, you, sir.
Come on down.

See? Hideous.

Fabulous, hideous.
Fabulous, hideous.

Fabulous, hideous--

London, I'm sure the audience
doesn't want to see me

Wearing a silly scarf.

[chimes]

They want to see me
in high heels?

They would look
ridiculous on you.

Thank you.

Unless you're
wearing a skirt.

No, I am not
wearing a skirt.

[chimes]

Not even for money.
I can't be bought.

[chimes]

But I can be rented.

Honey, are you still
playing that game?

You need to get
some exercise.

Oh, I am.

Feel the muscle
on my wand arm.

I mean, this one--
this one just
kind of dangles,

But this one...
Kapow!

Wow. Fighting monsters
is quite the workout.

Oh, mom, mom, mom.

This game is more than
just fighting monsters.

As moltak, I'm learning
valuable skills

Like blacksmithing,
alchemy, and jewel
enchanting.

Honey, I want you
off this computer.

[computer roars]

Right. Hold that thought.

Jango is counting on me
to guide him through
the plane of despair.

Hey, there's always
gonna be a reason
to keep playing.

I knew you'd understand.

You see, jango and I
are battling an ogre army

Headed by an evil gorgon.

Legend has it,
she can destroy a man
with one deathly gaze.

Honey, I'm concerned
you're getting
addicted to this game.

Oh, please, mom.
I can stop anytime I want.

Ok, how about now.

I said anytime I want.

Welcome to london
tipton's "yay me!"

Starring london tipton,

With your host and star
london tipton.

A cody martin production.

Hey! I'm the star here.

Sorry.

Heeere's london!

[music playing]

?london tipton's
really great ?

?really great,
really great ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?and deserves the opposite
of hate, which is love ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?really great,
really great ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?and deserves the opposite
of hate, which is love ?

Hi, fans.

Thank you all
for making "yay me!"

The third most-watched show
on the internet,

Right behind
"exploding soda cans"
and "monkey performs surgery."

Okey dokey,
my first guest today

Is someone
who's not as rich
or as pretty as I am.

Please welcome
my good friend
chelsea bremmer.

Chelsea!
Yay chelsea! Yay!

That's enough.
It's just chelsea.

Thanks for having me
on your show, london.

I understand you've
brought us a clip.

That's right.

It's sparkly and shaped
like a butterfly.

Can I show everyone
how hideous it looks
on that little blonde nerd?

Hey! No.

This little blonde nerd
still has blisters

From those heels
you made me wear.

Don't worry.
We're not gonna dress you.

Oh, good.

Today we're talking
about what girls
look for in a guy.

Can I get a volunteer
from the audience?

Uh-oh.

You, sir!

London, I really
don't want to do this.

Ok, imagine I set you up
on a blind date
with cody.

Ew! He's poor.

I know. Just pretend.

Now, where would
you take a girl
on a first date?

Probably somewhere
funducational,

Like the seaquarium,

To picnic
in the glow of the
phosphorescent lanternii.

Boring.
Boring.

Ok, where would
you take a girl
on a second date?

Well--
ha! Trick question.

You wouldn't
get a second date

Because you're
nerdy, boring,
and dress badly.

Hey! I'm not going to
stand here and be insulted.

Then sit down because
we're about to start
makeup tips.

Pucker up!

I'm not going
to put lipstick on,

Especially
that trashy shade.

[gasps]

I'm a producer,
not a dress-up doll.

Well, I don't
need a producer.
I need a puckerer.

Yeah? Well, now you
don't have a producer
or a puckerer.

'cause I quit.
[gasps]

You can't quit!
Oh, yeah?

Then what do you call
me leaving and
never coming back?

This is no time
for trick questions.

Don't touch that mouse.

We'll be right back.

Zack, are you still
playing that game?

You said more minutes.

That was
/ hours ago!

And you have
a : cheesy shadow.

You know what?
That's it.

Game over. Gimme.

Hey! Mom, mom, mom!
No. Gimme!

Mom, you're using up
all my fire bolts!

Aah!
Unh.

Mom, no!
Silence, moltar!

It's moltak
the mighty sorcerer!

Moltar's good, too.

Bed.

No, no, no.
Just more minutes.

I--I can't abandon jango
when he's surrounded
by lizard demons!

I'm sure jango's mommy
wants him in bed, too.

[computer powers down]

Moltak?

Moltak?

Where did you go?

[computer roaring]

Oh! Holy hobgoblins!

Lizard demons! Aah!

Aah!

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

Ooh. Don't touch me!

Ok, it's been hours
since I've played,

But--but I'm fine.
I'm fine.

I mean, I'm talking
to myself,

But, you know,

At least I'm not
thinking about
"medieval magic quest."

I can't believe london.

You know, I do
everything to get her
show off the ground

And make her look good,

And all she does
is make me look bad.

Oh, boo hoo!

You know what?

You don't know
what it's like

To have something you love
taken away from you.

Oh, yeah?

Last week, you stole
my biology homework.

I'm talking about
something that matters!

Dude, it's just a game.

[mocking] oh, dude,
it's just a game.

Well, how do you know
it's not real

And all of this
is just a game?

Because I'm not
from the planet zoltar.

Well, yeah, obviously.

Everyone knows
the zoltarians
are amphibious.

Moltak! Moltak,
where are you?

The orcs
are upon us!

Excuse me--

What? Can't you see
I'm busy, you
filthy peasant?

I just wanted
an extra room key.

Want an extra room--
oh! Heh heh.

Of course. Oh, let me
put that down, yes.

An extra room key.
Of course. I'm so sorry.

You know that
filthy peasant remark?

Merely part of our, um,
medieval theme week.

Huzzah!

Hee hee hee!

Oh...

Welcome to "yay me!"
starring london tipton.

You're supposed to say,
"heeere's london!"

Oh, but you're not here.

You're there.

Our first segment today
is silly pet tricks,

Starring ivana!

Starring ivana!

Where's ivana?

I don't know!

You were supposed
to make sure she was here.

You're lucky I made sure
I was here.

Never mind.

Ivana's at the spa
getting her tail waxed,

So chelsea's gonna fill in.

What?

Now, when I clap my hands,
you eat this biscuit.

But it's for dogs.

[whispers]
and it's carbs.

But it's low carbs.

Oh.

Wait. Wait.

Good girl!

Now!

Ew! Ew!

Gross!

Bad dog. Cody would've
eaten that.

And cody would've
made sure ivana was here.

Ok, our first guest
today is...

Is...

What?!

Whenever I say, "is, is,"

You're supposed to tell me
what to say like cody did

So I don't look stupid
on the air!

Oh, too late.

Uh...

Besides, we don't
have any guests.

What kind of producer
are you?

I'm not a producer,
I'm a pisces.

And stop yelling,
because we are
very sensitive.

Fine.

Let's just take questions
from our audience.

[chimes]

Superfan says...

"you shouldn't have
fired the nerdy boy.

I liked him.
He's my new
screensaver."

Bad question!

Read me something
that's not about cody.

[computer chimes]

[chiming continues]

Um, they're all
about cody.

Would you guys
forget about cody?

He's gone. Gone, gone,
gone, gone, gone.

So is your audience.

We have less viewers
than "sleeping grandma."

How do you know?

Because I'm watching
her webcast.

[fly buzzing]

A fly just
went up her nose!

Ew!
Ew!

Ok, maybe I'll log on
for just a minute.

Heh heh.

I can't. Aw.

[spy music playing]

Maybe I'll just play
for a minute.

What the--

Zack? What are you doing
behind my desk?

Youoing
with this?

That is a letter opener...

For very large letters.

J.D.?

As in jango darkblade?

Well, how do you know--

Because I'm
moltak firewind!

[gasps]
you're moltak fire--

How could this
possibly be?

Holy hobgoblins.
I thought I'd never
see you again.

Aah!
Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hale and well met!

Huzzah!

How's my kingdom?

Oh! Alas, I wish I had
better tidings.

It's been overrun
by blood giants.

I tried to stop them,
but they're giant.

And where did you go?

My mother made me quit.

She thinks the game
is addictive.

Ridiculous, right?

Huh?

I think she's right.

I mean, I haven't done
any work in a fortnight.

Plus I just said
fortnight.

Yeah, I haven't
done any homework
in, like, months.

The game's only been out
for weeks.

What's your point?

Oh.

Perhaps with
each other's help,

We can kick
this filthy habit.

[sighs] it's so fun.

It's so, so fun!

No, no, no.

We must stay strong,
young moltak.

As you wish,
lord darkblade.

Ok, all right.
No, no, no.

Hi, and welcome to "yay me!"

My guest today is...Is...

The sleeping grandma
ida higginbotham!

[snoring]

What am I supposed to do
with a sleeping guest?

At least I got you
a guest!

[gasps] ooh!

We should see if she
has a fly in her nose.

Nope, but somebody
needs a trim.

I wish cody
would come back.

Chelsea: Why don't you
just apologize to him?

London: But I can't.

Daddy says
there are things
a tipton never does--

Apologize and pay taxes.

Oh! My daddy
told me the same thing

The last time
I visited him in prison.

Even if I wanted
to apologize,

I wouldn't know
where to start.

Ooh, I've seen people
do it in movies,

And I think
that they list things
that they did wrong.

You mean like how I made fun
of cody's hair, his butt,

His clothes,
and his pasty skin?

Chelsea: You didn't make fun
of his pasty skin.

I just thought
of that now.

Oh.

Anyway, all I know

Is that the show
was at its best
when he was here.

He was the yay
in "yay me!"

[sighs]

Look, cody,
if you're out there

And happen to be watching
this really bad show produced
by chelsea bremmer--

Oh, that's me!

I really wanted to say
I'm sor--sor--

Sor--sorry!

[chimes]

Ooh!
Someone's writing in.

[beeps]

They said,
"that was very sincere
and touching."

Who's it from?

It's from me.

[gasps]
cody, you came back!

Yeah, and I accept
your apology.

Now come on,
we have a show to do.

Hit it!

[music playing]

?london tipton's
really great ?

?really great,
really great ?

?london tipton's
really great ?

?and cody's
not half bad ?

[snorts] who can sleep
with all this racket?!

[snorts]
oh!

Hi. My name's zack,

And I'm
a video game addict.

All: Hi, zack.

I used to stay up
half the night
slaying monsters.

It got so bad,

I found myself
dreaming about orcs.

Yeah, I used to dream
about girls.

Marion:
I hear you, buddy.

My name is marion,
and I'm a video game
addict.

All: Hi, marion.

I'm out
of control, ok?

I mean, I started
building a moat
in my backyard.

And I live in a condo!

[sighs]
it's just so hard.

One day at a time,
jango.

[all gasp] jango?

Oh, please.

Yeah, that's right--
jango darkblade.

You know, I noticed
when we came in,

The security guard
had a laptop.

Oh!

No, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no.

You mustn't.

Just stay.

Because I call dibs!

Last one there's
a rotten orc!