Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Woody, could we have
some more pretzels, please?
Woody?
Oh, sorry, Dr. Crane.
I... I was just thinking about
how big the universe is.
Yes, it is, Woody.
As a matter of fact,
it's expanding all the time.
Spiraling outward, ad infinitum,
from the center of its origin
at an alarming seven
miles per second.
You mean all of us
are getting bigger?
Well, no, Woody, we...
we're not expanding.
The universe is.
Although some of
us could stand to eat
a few less jelly doughnuts.
So, as the universe
expands, what happens to us?
Well, someday we'll just explode
into billions of atoms,
which themselves will
cease to exist in time.
Why, in ten quadrillion years,
there'll be nothing
left of anything.
May I have those
pretzels now, Woody?
Sure, better get
them while you can.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Good morning, unwashed masses.
Hey, hey, a new suit
there, huh, Cliffie?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Like it?
Shiny as the penny
you spent on it.
Oh, no, sorry, ma'am.
No open flames near this suit.
So, uh...
what's the occasion, Cliff?
My girlfriend, Margaret.
Just picked her
up at the airport,
dropped her off at the hotel.
She'll be by in a
few minutes. All right!
Margaret's back from Canada.
Yeah, yeah. She
just couldn't take
those brutal freezing winters
those sub-zero temperatures,
the lonely sense of isolation,
so she's, uh, coming back to me.
Yeah? Well, the grass
is always greener.
(chuckles)
Hey, Cliffie, do we, uh, hear...
(glasses jingling)
wedding bells? Ah.
(chuckling)
Not for this muchacho,
there, Sammy.
What are you talking about? I thought
you always wanted to get married.
No, no, no, no. No
time soon, that's for sure.
Hey, there's still a lot of
postage left on this U.S. male.
Yeah, well, the only
real hurdle left is Ma.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's very traumatic
when the woman you love
more than anything else
in the world meets
your significant other.
Which would be which, Cliff?
Well, now you see my problem.
So, uh, what'd your ma
say when you told her?
Well, I'm gonna break
it to her this afternoon.
See, I came up
with this great idea.
I'm gonna tell her
in a public place
where I'm surrounded
by my friends, you see?
Then she'll have
to control herself
and she won't embarrass me.
Clifford,
for the hundredth time, if you
want to use my shower cap
in the morning, will you put
it back where you found it?
Perhaps as a reminder,
you'd like to wear it
for the rest of the day?
You know, suddenly I see Cliff
as heroically well-adjusted.
Sam, I was a
little off on payroll,
so I just made up a
bunch of numbers and...
What are you doing?
You're drinking coffee.
Yeah. So?
You can't drink coffee
when we're trying
to make a baby.
I don't know.
I'm pretty coordinated.
Sam, that's not the point.
You were supposed to stay
in peak physical condition.
You know, caffeine
loading could be the reason
why we haven't been able to
conceive for the last two months.
Come on. It's just
a cup of coffee.
No, Sam, you have to
promise me something.
Till I am pregnant, you
have to stay in better shape.
You have to stop
drinking coffee,
stop eating junk food
and stop staying up
late watching movies.
Why don't you just k*ll the man?
All right, all right, all right.
If you really think
this is important,
I'll, uh, I'll stop
drinking coffee.
All right, good. I
mean, we only have
two days left in this month.
What do you mean?
Well, you see here
on the calendar,
I, I put a B for
baby on the days
when I'm likely to conceive.
You know, the days
when we should make love.
That's funny. I
usually put an F.
F?
For "fertile."
What did you think I meant?
You know...
I'm, I'm not so sure I
want you to carry my baby.
So, you see, the entire region
might more
accurately be described
as "The Bermuda Rhombus".
Well, thanks, Ma. Mm-hmm.
Look, Ma, there's something
I think we'd better talk about,
and, uh, I'm not so
sure you want to hear it.
Well, what the heck, here goes.
I, uh, I met somebody.
Yeah, actually, more
than a somebody.
It's a woman.
This isn't like the time
you had your heart set
on Priscilla Presley, is it?
No, no, Ma.
This is more than a
few hundred silly letters.
I, uh, I actually know this gal.
Yeah, see, her name is Margaret.
She's from Canada.
I love her, and she loves me.
Oh... I understand, Clifford.
If this is the woman
you've chosen
to take my place...
I guess the only thing
for me to do is die.
Ma, what are you doing?
I'm dying.
You're not dying.
Will you stop it? Come on.
No need to take me to
the graveyard, Clifford.
Just set me next to
your tubby friend there.
And when I start to bloat,
just toss me in the Dumpster.
Thanks for bringing your ma by.
It's the way I want to go,
alone in a bar without my son.
Anyone who is blood-type
O is welcome to my organs.
I don't recommend the heart.
It's been broken.
What's that, Grandma?
Come toward the light?
Ma!
Ma, you're not dying.
Now stop it! (door opens)
CLIFF: Oh, now
here's Margaret now.
So, let's go meet her,
and then now, please,
just behave
yourself, will you, Ma?
I'll put off dying just
long enough to meet her.
This is turning out
better than I expected.
Ma, this is Margaret.
Margaret, this is Ma.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, enough of
this chitchat, huh?
Listen, I've got some, uh,
lunch reservations up there
at Melville's for,
uh, me and my gals.
What do you say?
Oh, I get to have lunch,
and then it's off
to the ice floe.
Oh, you must be
referring to the custom
of the Inuit people, where
they set their golden-agers
on an ice floe to die.
How did you know that?
Oh, I love trivia.
Good answer.
Yeah, well, uh,
shall we go, ladies?
Mm.
Command of trivia
is one of the things
that attracted me to Cliff.
Uh, that and his manners.
Good heavens. His what?
His manners.
Oh, my dear, I thought
you said his manhood.
(laughs)
Sam, I...
Are you drinking coffee again?
No. No, no, this is for Norm.
(coughs)
I think I figured out
why you haven't been
able to give me a baby.
What makes you
think it's my fault?
Well, I've been
doing some reading,
and I think I know
what the problem is.
You wear bikini
briefs, don't you?
Sweetheart, I know
the lights are usually out,
but I do take 'em off.
Sam, look. Look...
According to this brochure,
briefs are bad for you.
They're constricting, they
raise your body temperature,
sometimes rendering your
little swimmers ineffectual.
Look at the little cartoon.
Oh, gee!
Sam, the bottom line is,
we have to lower the
temperature down there.
Well, how are we gonna do that?
With these underpants
lined with freon-based gel.
You want me to wear
frozen underwear?
I, I'll freeze my...
Exactly.
Oh, I haven't looked
at these in ages.
MARGARET: Is that Cliff?
Oh, my, no.
That's Clifford's father.
You see where Clifford
got his wide bottom.
Mm. I've always wondered.
When Clifford was a baby,
we'd set him down and
gently push him over.
And wouldn't you know,
he'd pop right back up
just like, just like one of
those inflatable clowns!
(laughs)
Well, come on,
sit, sit, sit, please.
Bartender, how about
a couple of drinks
for my lovely ladies here, huh?
In the meanwhile, I'll go
and, uh, use the facilities.
Clifford, don't be vulgar.
Sorry, Ma.
So, Cliff, how'd it go upstairs?
Oh, great. They got along
like, uh, two long-lost friends.
All through lunch, it was
just yak, yak, yak, yak.
Couple of real
chatterboxes, huh?
Uh, no. Ma just knows
a lot of trivia about yaks.
Shall I make a
general announcement?
Oh, well, shouldn't
we wait for Cliff
to get back from the restroom?
Oh, let's not hurry him.
That's his alone time.
(spoon rapping glass)
ESTHER: Everybody,
I have an announcement to make.
This beautiful, young lady,
Margaret Catherine O'Keefe,
has agreed to become
my daughter-in-law.
Hey, what's going on?
Why, your wedding, Clifford.
Uh, beg your pardon?
Isn't this great?!
I'm going to be the
next Mrs. Clavin!
He has the same look he had
when he took me to the prom.
Don't say no.
I want to buy you a mobile home.
Now, I can't afford
the deluxe model
with the front porch, so...
Oh, well, that's okay.
We'll make it home.
I'm awfully handy.
I... I can make a
nice gravel garden,
and we can buy one of
those concrete gnomes.
You're already getting one.
Oh, this is so exciting!
I'm about ready to burst.
I have to go call my
parents. Yeah. Yeah.
And, with any luck,
by this time next year,
we're going to
hear the pitter-patter
of little Clavin feet.
Woody... Woody,
hold this for me.
Hold this Kn*fe.
Lower.
(yelling)
Ah!
Ma, you know, this is
all happening so fast.
I mean, here I am
going to marry Margaret,
I don't even remember proposing.
No. If we waited
for you to propose,
I'd never be a grandmother.
What are you talking about?
Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.
I think we'd better
have a little talk.
Woody!
Two whiskeys,
and leave the bottle.
Now, I don't want you to think
that I'm looking forward to this
but with your father
out of the picture...
(breathes deeply)
it's one of those crosses
I'm going to have to bear,
along with many others.
ESTHER: Now, when
a man and woman love
each other very much,
they share a very
special kind... of... hug.
Ooh... ah!
Ma, look, you don't have
to tell me all this stuff.
I already know.
All right, who's the dirty mouth
who's been telling
my son these things?
Only, um... only I used
a different word for "hug."
Here's a pamphlet
to fill in the many gaps
left by lover-boy over there.
Read it. Read it before
your wedding night.
"Howard's New Feelings".
My parents are thrilled!
They're giving us a
freezer full of meat!
Wow! Huh?
Well, let's get busy.
We have so much to do.
We have to shop for a dress
and get a marriage license.
Oh, and the bakery!
We're going to have
a great big chocolate
wedding cake.
Whoa! Hold on there, Ma.
You know, I'm allergic
to chocolate, don't forget.
Then you may have
graham crackers.
Really?
Well, I'm off to get
that marriage license.
Now, before you go, Cliff,
I'd like to offer my
congratulations.
I, for one, will be enthusiastically
tracking your development.
I mean, uh... sharing your joy.
Thank you, Lilith.
Thank you very much.
Well, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff, huh?
His life is never going
to be the same after this.
Yeah. Regular sex.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said he
was getting married.
CARLA: Uh... Sammy, two beers.
Get them yourself.
You okay, Sam?
It's none of your business.
Sam, we're out of olives.
That's your problem, isn't it?
Gee, these shorts are cold!
I couldn't help noticing, dear,
that all the wedding dresses
you favored were pure white.
Can I assume that's appropriate?
Well, here we are!
All right. Message received.
None of my business.
Say, uh... listen.
You're going to
marry Cliff, right?
That's right.
Well, could you just
do me a little favor?
What's that?
Don't bring any more
Clavins into this world.
It's not right.
It's just not right.
Poor, poor Carla.
Cliff told me all about
the affair you had with him.
And I just want you to
know that I bear no grudge.
I... I...
I...
I didn't know Carla
and Cliff had an affair.
That explains a lot.
That poor woman.
I know he cut her deeply
when he broke up with her.
But, Rebecca, you seem
to have bounced back.
Sammy, how's it going?
You ever try to start your car
on a really cold winter morning?
Yeah. Sure.
Yeah, well, nobody
in their right mind
would expect it
to start. Am I right?
Yeah. You're right.
Yeah, well, you
tell that to Rebecca!
Oh! Sorry I'm late, everybody.
How you doing?
You wouldn't believe
all those people
down at the marriage
bureau waiting for a license.
Pretty soon, Maggie, it's
going to be you and me.
We'll be joining them, huh?
I can't wait, Cliff.
I'm one happy fella!
Gosh, I'm happy!
And you're the one who
made me so happy, honey.
You're all invited
to the wedding.
Doc, can I see you
in the office, please?
Sure, Cliff.
I'll be with you in just
a minute, my betrothed.
Hey, who would have thought
Cliff Clavin was
ready for commitment?
Doc, you gotta help me.
I mean, it's all
happening so fast.
One minute, I...
I'm leading my life.
And the next minute,
before you know it,
I'm standing in a line
down at the marriage bureau
with a bunch of other
people waiting for a license.
I looked into their eyes.
You know what I saw?
The smell of death.
Aren't you
exaggerating just a bit?
Oh, no. Fras, when
I was a teenager,
I used to work at
a slaughterhouse.
And I watched them
when they brought them in,
and I watched them
when they took them out.
But I've never seen
nothing like that.
Ma's really done
it to me this time.
Cliff, why do you have
to do what she says?
She's Ma.
Look. Think back.
Have you ever stood
up to your mother?
Have you ever
stood up to Lilith?
Touché, Cliff,
but we're not discussing me.
Look, Fras, I know what
you're trying to say...
That I should stand
up to my mother.
Well, you're not
telling me anything
I haven't been telling myself
since my 35th birthday.
It's just that, if I do,
it'll hurt Ma's feelings.
What about Cliff's feelings?
Who cares about Cliff's
feelings? You should.
You have the right to do
with your life what you will.
Don't worry about what
other people will think.
Your first
responsibility is to you.
You're a real person,
worthy of consideration
and respect.
Am I interrupting anything?
Oh, no, Maggie. Just
nothing important.
Cliff was, you know...
Cliff, is something wrong?
It's about the
wedding, Margaret.
I don't think I want
to get married just yet.
Why, Cliff? Don't you love me?
Oh, Maggie, of
course I love you.
But, if we're going
to get married,
I want it to be our
decision, and not Ma's.
That woman has been making
decisions for me long enough.
We'll know in our hearts
when the time is right.
Oh, Cliff!
Maggie, when I propose to you,
it's going to be the most
romantic thing you've ever heard.
I don't know, Cliff.
It would be awfully hard to
b*at the way your ma said it.
Yeah.
Oh, Margaret?
You'll, uh... you'll still be
my girlfriend, won't you?
Oh, yes, Cliff.
I understand completely.
You want to be your own man.
Exactly. All right!
Now, would you get out there
and tell that to my mother?
That's wonderful.
Good news, kiddies!
The wedding's going
to have a luau theme.
I've booked the Tiki
Hut on Route Nine.
Ma, I want to talk to you.
You can stop grinding
that organ right now.
I'm taking off my little hat.
I'm not your monkey anymore.
Clifford, we haven't got
time for the monkey speech.
We're too busy.
I love you, Ma,
but I'm not going to be
railroaded into marriage
just to make you happy.
You've been running
my life long enough,
and it's time for me
to take the wheel.
Why, Clifford Clavin,
how dare you speak to
your mother like that?!
I'm 42 years old,
and I'll speak to
you any way I wish!
My word!
Come on, Maggie!
We got a lot of living to do!
Whoo!
Oh! Oh!
You still with me, Maggie?
My tooth, Cliff!
MARGARET: Ohh!
(both screaming)
I see I still have to do
everything for the boy.
(Cliff groans)
I'll be back for you
in a minute, Clifford!