Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
(phone ringing)
SAM (on answering
machine): Hi. This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
(beep)
Norm, this is Vera.
Please pick up.
Norm! Norm?
(line disconnects)
(phone rings)
SAM: Hi. This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
(beep)
VERA: Norm, I know you're there.
Pick up the phone, Norm.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
I want you to come home.
Norm?
Norm!
(hangs up)
(phone rings)
SAM: Hi. This is Cheers.
Leave a message at the beep.
(beep)
Hi, Sam. This is
Vera Peterson again.
Listen, uh, ignore
those messages.
It turns out Norm was here in
bed next to me the whole time.
And I thought that
big lump was our dog.
Who knew?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
That's it.
The furnace is definitely out.
Any luck trying to get
through to the repairman?
No, it's still busy.
Well, why don't you try
calling someone else?
What kind of manager are you
if you can't handle a
simple problem like that?
Sam, these are the
only people in Boston
who can service that Guatemalan
furnace you bought on sale.
Oh. Keep trying.
It's ringing. Hello? Hi, there.
Uh, yes, our furnace
is on the blink.
Um, it's the Little Diablo
model, the grey one.
It's a full duct,
forced-air model. Huh?
Um, let's see... 55,000 BTUs.
BTUs.
Well, how do I know
what that stands for?
You're the Guatemalan!
Carla, good news.
I've, uh, given
a lot of thought,
and I've decided to
offer my employees
a, uh, group medical plan.
Oh, man, that's great, Sammy,
Yeah. What changed your mind?
Oh, it's the right thing to do.
You guys need
it, you deserve it...
it's important to you.
Plus, they passed
some kind of law.
All right, the thing
is... Fellows, listen up.
SAM: To qualify for
the group rate, I need
one more person to sign on.
PAUL: Thank God, Sam.
You don't know what it's
like to walk around uninsured,
knowing you might get hit
by a bus or need an operation,
and they'd take your house
and your, your savings,
and that might not
even be enough.
You saved my life, Sam.
Actually, Paul, I was kind of
thinking of offering it to Norm.
Hey, congratulations, Norm.
Woody, why do I have to
have this bag on my hand?
It's for the grand unveiling.
Hi, Kelly.
Why do you have
that bag on your hand?
It's to cover up the
beautiful engagement ring
that Woody just bought me.
Oh, way to be
anticlimactic, Kelly!
There, ta-dah.
Wow, what a beauty!
So, uh, what's going on
over here, you guys, huh?
Yeah, we saw Kelly coming
in with a bag on her hand.
Yeah, it's for the grand
unveiling of her engagement ring.
Oh, damn.
We thought there was
gonna be a puppet show.
Well, I've got to
get going, Woody.
I'm meeting my lawyer about
the prenuptial agreement. Bye.
You, you guys have a
prenuptial agreement?
Sure. Oh, I love her,
but I'm not stupid.
God forbid, things
don't work out.
I don't want to
lose half my stuff.
Good thinking, Woody.
NORM: So, uh,
Wood, that's a nice ring.
Have her parents seen it yet?
No. They will in a couple days.
They're gonna throw
us an engagement party.
A party! Oh, cool!
Her grandmother's even
coming all the way from Florida.
She's kind of the
head of the family.
From what I hear,
she's pretty scary.
She's bossy, mean
and tough as nails.
You wouldn't want
to mess with her.
Yeah? Bet you my
ma could take her.
Gloves or bare fists, open
hand, closed hand, I don't care.
Well, I've drawn up a
list of names of the people
I want to invite to the party.
The only problem is, I
only get to invite a few.
Where do you draw the line?
Well, Woody, something
that Lilith and I find helpful
when we plan a party is
to simply start at the bottom
of the list, and eliminate
the least desirable.
Okay. Cranes are out.
Thanks, Dr. Crane.
That was helpful.
So, uh, Woodso, how much
did your ring set you back?
Well, they say when you
buy an engagement ring,
you're supposed to spend the
equivalent of six months salary,
but it looked kind of naked
without a diamond in it.
So how much we talking?
Over a grand or what?
Well, the salesman said
that it's bad luck for the couple
to know how much the ring cost.
Woody, how are you gonna
afford that on your salary?
Don't worry, Sam.
I'm getting a night job.
You, you're gonna
go do another job
after you leave here
at 2:30 in the morning?
Yep! Graveyard shift.
Where?
Graveyard, Sam.
Gee whiz, say
good night, Gracie.
Maintenance sticker?
I don't know. It's
pretty dark in there.
REBECCA: All right,
hold on a second.
Carla, hand me the phone!
Here you go.
Thank you.
All right, I'm wiping off
the maintenance sticker now.
REBECCA: Well, according to
this, the heater was last serviced...
This heater has
never been serviced.
I guess you don't
need to bring a...
Carla, what are you doing?
Carla, what is that noise?
Well, I'm putting
this grate back on.
You know, it's a
little dangerous
to have it lying
around out here.
Carla!
Now this is not funny!
You let me out
of here right now!
Oh, fine! I'm gonna
call the police!
Boy, you know, one of our
patrons could trip on this wire.
Oh, great!
Now the phone
doesn't work either!
All right, it's closing
time! (rings bell)
Everybody out. Mr. Peterson,
Mr. Clavin, come on. Let's go.
I'm already late.
Come on. I mean,
the bar closes at 2:00.
It's just now... 2:30.
Tonight's my first
night at the graveyard.
I don't want to
be late, all right?
Now, come on, you
guys really got to go.
Let's go. Come on.
Woody! Woody!
Woody! Hold it! Hold it!
What's the rush?
It's not like your customers
are going to be going anywhere.
Huh? Yeah, yeah.
But you know, it is going to be
awfully lonely out there, Wood.
CLIFF: Oh, no, now, don't worry.
You'll have plenty of company.
They won't be too talkative,
what with their lips sewn shut.
Well, you don't actually have
to see the bodies, do you?
I mean, they're in
the coffins, right?
Oh, yeah, most of them are.
The ones that can afford it.
Yeah, the rest of them,
they, uh, put in body bags
or sometimes just a
big roll of blotting paper.
Sometimes they're
just laying about
arms and legs akimbo.
Yeah, their lips drawn
in a ghastly rictus.
I don't know what
rictus means, Mr. Clavin.
You will by sunup, my lad.
Cut it out, guys.
All right, come on. We'd
better toodle along now.
All right, come on.
You know, I understand that,
Norm, the brain stays alive
long after the body's
lying in a coffin.
CLIFF: Yeah, poor desperate
soul in there trying to scream out,
"Don't bury me!
I'm not dead yet!"
NORM: And all they can muster
is one final frantic gurgle.
Oh, the gurgle!
Listen for that gurgle, Woody.
You listen for that gurgle.
Hey, you guys are just
trying to scare me, right?
Forget it. I got a job to do.
I've got a ring to
pay for. Get out.
(gurgling voice): Good night!
See ya! Good night,
Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin.
(gurgling voice):
Want to take a cab?
Oh, man, buried
alive. Give me a break!
REBECCA (echoey voice): Woody!
Will someone let
me out of here?!
(screaming)
Mr. Peterson! Mr. Clavin!
Excuse me, miss.
I've been sent to
collect some specimens.
Oh, they're sitting over there
on the other side of the bar.
No, I'm from the
insurance company.
I need to do a blood
sample on each employee.
Oh. Well, he works
here. Take him first.
MAN: Fine.
Shall we go?
Yeah. What, uh, part
of the body do you need
to take blood from?
Any part that's soft and fleshy.
Well, have I got
a treat for you!
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Woody, man, you look terrible!
Yeah, I came straight
from the graveyard.
This is the worst night yet.
Why was that, there, Wood?
Well, a couple of
guys called in sick,
and then, uh, we couldn't seem
to bury old Mrs. Jane Van Der
Hooven, beloved wife and mother.
It was like she didn't
want to go down.
First the backhoe broke,
and we had to dig
the hole by hand.
And then the ground was frozen
and, uh, broke the
handle on the shovel.
And then the coffin
kept popping open.
You...
You never get used to that, Sam.
I don't suppose you do.
And then when we finally buried
old Mrs. Jane Van Der
Hooven, beloved wife and mother,
there was, uh, this strange
gurgling sound and...
I knew it was probably just old
Gus finishing his shake, but...
uh, you don't want
to take chances
on something like that.
So, I had to dig her up
and check it.
What a night.
I don't think you're
gonna make it, man.
This job's gonna k*ll you.
WOODY: Oh, Sam, I gotta earn
enough money
to pay for the ring.
(sobbing)
It helps to do that
every now and then.
Thank you, Mr. Peterson.
Who's next?
How about you?
No, uh, actually
I don't work here.
I'm just one of the moms
in the neighborhood
who comes in to help out.
Take him.
Woody, wake up.
The man's waiting for you.
Do you work here?
WOODY: Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late.
Let's go take some blood.
Just for being late?
Well, that's the
toughest job I ever had.
Man, no way I'm gonna
let that quack jab me.
Carla, there's really
nothing to be afraid of.
It's, it's a very
simple process.
H-Here. Let me show you.
Darling, may I?
They'll simply take your arm.
They'll have you make a fist.
Then they'll place
a tourniquet here,
exposing a vein.
Exposing a vein...
Lilith, exactly how do you work?
WOODY: All right,
where's my money?
MAN: What?
Come on, come on,
you know the routine.
I-I-I did this earlier.
I give you blood,
you give me money.
You gave blood already today?
WOODY: I didn't
give it... I sold it.
Hey, I got a ring to
pay for, damn you.
FRASIER: Woody, are you
saying that after four days
of virtually no sleep at all,
you gave blood today twice?
Is that bad?
Yes! The body can't take
that kind of punishment.
You're suffering from a lack
of blood and a lack of sleep.
My God, I'm surprised
you're not hallucinating.
Huh. Don't worry about
me, Dr. Crane. I'm fine.
I just need a little sleep
before that party
tomorrow night.
Huh! Hallucinating.
Woody. Why aren't you
dressed for the party?
What party?
Who are you?
Why am I covered with ants?!
Hey, Kelly. What happened?
I thought the party
was tomorrow night.
Oh, Woody, didn't you tell them?
I called you days ago and told
you there was a change in plans.
Don't you remember?
Well, I remember you
called me days ago,
and I remember you said
there was a change in plans.
But I don't know what
you're talking about.
But, okay, let's go.
All right, pal. Pal, pal.
You're not in any
condition to go to this party.
I have to go, Sam.
I can't disappoint Kelly.
She's the woman I love.
Which one is she, Sam?
Sit down here, Woody.
Uh, why don't we
catch up with you?
It'll give Woody a chance
to change his clothes
and pull himself together.
Actually, Sam,
that's probably a
good idea. Yeah.
Woody is acting
kind of out of it tonight.
I mean, he's fumbling around
like he doesn't know where
he is or what he's talking about.
Have you two met?
I'll see you soon, Woody.
Here you go, Woody.
Whoa, whoa-hoa-hoa. Here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Pull yourself together.
Have some coffee.
Boy, it's true what they say.
Caffeine does get you going.
Uh, I figure I've got
about a half hour
to make a good impression
before my skin
starts to blister.
You know...
Uh-uh-uh.
Keep your distance.
I'm not afraid to use
this thing, you know.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Look, allow me.
Perhaps I can be
of some assistance.
Carla, Carla, please.
Now let's just...
Look into my eyes.
Listen very carefully
to every word I say.
All he's going to do is
plunge this large-bore needle
into your tissue
until it reaches a vein,
at which point the
b*ating of your heart
will cause your blood
to gush into this vial,
filling it with a
viscous, crimson syrup.
(moaning gasp)
(body thuds)
There you go. Top her off.
Thank you. My pleasure.
SAM: How're you doing, pal?
WOODY: Oh, fine, Sam.
That nap in the car
on the way over really helped.
I got my second wind.
Woody...
good to see you.
WOODY: Oh. Good to
see you, too, Mr. Gaines, sir.
Uh, how do you do,
Mr. Gaines? I'm Sam...
No, don't introduce
yourself to me.
Oh, that's right. We've met.
No. I just don't
care who you are.
Delicious. Mmm. Mmm.
Oh.
I see you gentlemen are
enjoying the smoked tongue.
Ugh!
Look at us, Cliff.
All the years of pretzels
and potato chips at
the bar have ruined us.
Finally get a chance to
broaden our horizons a bit,
educate our palate,
what do we do?
We act like a
couple of bar g*ons
at a rich man's
party. Hey, Norm.
(barking)
Woody, I'm so glad you're here.
Grandmother can't
wait to meet you.
And I can't wait to
meet her, Kelly Gaines.
Is he okay?
Yeah, he's fine. He's just, uh,
been working 24 hours a day
for the past four days.
Is that a lot?
I'm not part of the work force.
KELLY: Oh, look.
There's grandmother now.
Oh, my God, Sam.
Save me. What? What?
It's Mrs. Jane Van Der Hooven,
beloved wife and mother.
Who?
WOODY: The dead woman
from last night.
I could never forget her face.
Oh, come on, Woody.
I should know. I dug
her up three times.
Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody.
Stop it, man.
You're hallucinating. No.
Remember what Frasier
said about lack of sleep?
That's her, Sam. No. Woody,
it is, it is Kelly's
grandmother.
No. Check her head
for a shovel-shaped dent.
I'm not saying we did
it, but, okay, it was late,
and we got a little careless.
Why are you interrogating me?
I'm not on trial here. Shh.
You're Woody Boyd, aren't you?
See, Sam? She
remembers me. Oh...
Kelly has told me
so much about you.
So you're interested
in getting married.
Perhaps you and I
should have a little talk...
In private.
That's a good idea.
We should sit down
and do that sometime.
Well, no time like the present.
Why don't you join
me in the library?
Right in here.
Tell my parents I love them.
NORM: All right, buddy.
I've got one. I've got one.
Little Orphan Annie.
CLIFF: Oh...
that's a good one,
Normie, but I didn't see it
'cause I've got cataracts.
Hey, hey, guys, look at his.
(growling)
Oh, Sammy,
come on. Tongue jokes were funny
like a half hour ago.
Don't just stand
there, young man.
Come on and sit down beside me.
Are you cold?
I'm freezing.
I seem to be cold all
the time these days.
(wry chuckle)
Feel my hand.
If you don't mind,
I'd rather not.
Are you afraid of me, young man?
What? Me? Yeah.
Scared? You?
(laughs) Never!
What crazy talk.
Oh!
Well, I can't think
of any reason
why a fine, young, strong,
healthy, young man like you
should be afraid of a
helpless, old lady like me,
unless it's because you tried
to bury me alive last night.
(moans) (screams)
(moans)
What?
Come on, I was kidding, man.
What are you doing?
Sam, I hit her with a shovel
and she's come back for me.
What?!
And you fell for it.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
(laughs)
I was just having fun
with the young man.
I got the idea
when I heard that he was
working in the graveyard.
It was just too rich to pass up.
Wait a minute.
How-how'd you
find out about that?
Oh, that's the wonderful
thing about a hearing aid.
When you turn it up, you
can hear all kinds of things.
Incidentally,
Elliott, you're out of the will.
Sorry, Elliott.
You mean this was all a joke?
That's right.
Well, you crazy old...
Hey, hey, hey, Wood...
KELLY: Woody,
what are you doing?!
That's it, Woody.
Get him out of here.
Hold it!
(clears throat)
This young man,
this young man
may be gullible...
Oh, well, let's
be honest, slow...
But he had the backbone
to stand up to me,
which no one else in the family
has ever had the courage to do.
I think you're going to
be very good for Kelly.
In fact, I think you're going
to be good for all of us.
I give you my blessing.
Welcome to the family.
Now, let's eat.
Can I go to sleep now?
Sure.
Say, uh, Rebecca,
for ten bucks I'll tell you
how to get even with Carla,
for closing you up in the wall.
Okay.
Here's her purse.
Toss it back into the duct.
When she goes in after it,
screw the vent
cover back on. Oh,
that's a good idea.
Whoo!
(laughs) Whoa!
Wait a minute.
That's my purse. Oh!
I'm sorry. Oh...
God.
(straining)