Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, Woody, come
here a second, man.
Something's really bugging me.
Whatever it is, I don't know
what you're talking about.
'Cause I've never
lied about anything.
This is Woody, remember?
Company man,
team player, true blue.
You know, maybe if you turn
that microscope on yourself,
you might find some
things that aren't so pretty.
I can't work in this atmosphere,
all this suspicion
and this constant interrogation.
What do you people want from me?
I didn't do anything, all right?
I'm telling you, I am innocent!
Okay, okay.
You remember three months ago,
that day I called
in sick? Woody...
Sam, shut up,
it's my turn to talk!
I... I was sick,
but a couple hours later,
I started feeling better,
and I could've come
in for half a day, but...
(crying): instead, I stayed
home and did laundry
and watched Oprah 'cause
she had circus freaks on.
I'm so ashamed!
Oh, good, that feels better.
I've been carrying that
around for three months.
(deep breath)
I was just gonna say
your tag's sticking up
on your sweater here.
Oh.
Well, then forget
I said anything.
I was just kidding you, Sam.
Just kidding you.
I think I covered pretty well.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh, good afternoon,
Miss Tortelli.
Well, if it isn't John
Cougar Mellonhead.
Thank you for last
night, Miss Tortelli.
I wasn't with you
last night. I know,
and don't think I
don't appreciate it.
Oh, Sam!
Yes, John, what
can I do for you?
Sam, I have a small request.
For the next three hours,
I need you and the rest
of the Cheers chimps
to hold down the noise.
Right now, I'm entertaining
200 elderly women
from the Daughters of
the American Revolution.
Giving them a
firsthand account, John?
Very amusing.
Sam, this vent connects
directly to my dining room
and often, we can hear
everything you say down here,
so tell your mailman to
go to that side of the bar
if he wants to describe
his fungal infections.
You know, I have to second that.
Well, sure, John.
Heck, you should've come
down and told us sooner.
We'll be happy to oblige you.
Well, thank you, Sam.
That's uncharacteristically
civil of you.
Oh!
If you all behave yourselves
for the next three hours,
maybe I'll take you
out for ice cream.
Would you like that?
Why don't you just
get lost, you sweathog.
Sewer rat.
Bag of bones. Maggot.
Am I the only one who
finds him really attractive?
You believe that guy? So
damned condescending.
Ah, Sammy, not so loud.
He'll get angry... We
won't get the ice cream.
I think I'm on to something.
(chuckles)
SAM: Yeah, yeah, here you go.
(high-pitched voice): Eek, eek!
Oh, there's a rat!
Oh, my God, there's
another big rat!
(numerous running footsteps)
(rumbling)
(Sam laughing)
I think that was
very successful!
Except you got a bunch of
dust in my beer here, Sam.
Um, sorry, I'll get
you another one.
HILL: Sam!
Before I spend the
remainder of the afternoon
trying to sort out
whose walker is whose,
I want to say one thing.
I live for the day when I
can close this bar down
and put you out on the street.
Eh, he doesn't scare me.
You ought to see him
with just the night light on.
Hey, everybody.
Got everything we need
for our marathon poker fest.
Yeah? Did you bring the chips?
Oh, yeah, I've got, uh,
red ones, blue
ones, white ones...
No, no, no... the chips!
Ranch, mesquite, sour cream.
Don't you have any idea
how to play this game?
Yeah, I think so.
So, you guys having a
big poker game, huh?
NORM: Yep.
You know, uh, I always wanted
to learn how to play that game.
You, uh, you never
played poker there, Woody?
No.
Played all kinds of
card games in Hanover,
but never poker.
I was pretty good, too.
I'd win all the time. Yeah?
Yeah, chicken in a
box, one-eyed rooster,
possum on a pole.
What kind of games are that?
No, no, no, that's
what the winner got.
You know, guys,
I think it's time
Woody learned how
to play a little poker.
Yeah? Really?
Thanks a lot.
How can I ever thank you guys?
Oh, I don't know, we'll
think of a way, Woody.
Say, you guys got,
uh, room for one more?
Uh, well, yeah, okay,
it's all right with us,
but I've got to warn you,
we're gonna be playing
into the wee smalls.
Uh, you might want to check
with the old "ball and Crane."
I don't have to ask
Lilith if I can play.
I'm an independent person.
I can make my own decisions.
It's all right with me, Frasier.
I wasn't asking.
Regardless, I still approve.
Well, approve all you
want to... I don't care.
I'm gonna play
poker, stay out late.
Stay out all night if you like.
You have my permission.
Stop it.
Very well, Frasier.
Please stay home
with your wife and child.
We need you.
Forget it, woman... gotta be me!
Let's party, boys.
NORM: Sammy, are you in?
No, I gotta make sure
things run out here, you know?
I can't concentrate on the game
and the bar at the same time.
What about me?
What am I here for?
Oh, right... and I have to worry
about Rebecca, too.
You know, Sam,
that really ticks me off.
If you don't
appreciate what I do,
why don't I just quit?
Oh, come on, sweetheart, I...
I appreciate everything
you do around here.
Really? Yeah.
What do I do?
Well...
now, come on, don't back
me in a corner like this.
So, it's not worth it
to have me around.
I'm useless, is that it?
No, come on, honey,
you are real valuable
around here doing...
all the things that
you do, all right?
All right, fine, listen,
all right, all right.
If it'll make you feel better,
I'll go play a little
poker, all right?
You can take care
of things out here.
Okay, don't think that I can't.
I mean, I am competent.
I am damn competent.
You know, I mean,
I'm not just some lackey
who carries receipts around
in a cigar box all day long.
I mean, I know what I'm doing.
I have a business degree.
And I have a lot of experience.
And I am very, very,
very good at doing...
all the things that I do.
Like what?
Hey, come on, don't
back me in the corner here.
You know, there is
nothing like a good cigar.
And this is nothing
like a good cigar.
Yeah, this blanket
ought to keep the smoke
away from the customers.
Good idea, Sammy... more for us.
Guys, I've gotta
be honest with you.
I was just trying to
hustle you out there.
I do know how to play poker.
And to tell you the truth,
I was the best poker
player in Hanover.
Uh-huh. WOODY: Actually,
I was the best poker player
in the entire metro
Hanover area.
Well, uh,
you're in the city now, Woody.
Well, I guess you
do play different
than a bunch of farm boys.
Oh, yeah. Yes, we do.
Why don't you sit down, Woodrow.
Oh, thanks.
WOODY: Take it easy on me.
Okay, okay.
So, what sort of game
would you like to play, huh?
Well, how about, uh...
"Five blind piglets
and one full teat?"
What the heck
kind of game is that?
That's where five city
boys lose all their money.
Oh, Lilith, being
in charge again
is so invigorating.
I feel great!
This will really show Sam.
Bravo.
Some men still need to learn
that women can take on
roles traditionally held by men
and perform them
as well or better.
We live in an era of
female brain surgeons,
astronauts, Supreme
Court Justices.
And bar managers.
Yes.
Do you see the nifty way
I always keep this down?
It creates much more
surface area for new drinks.
Coming through!
Of course, I still
have to iron out
a few of the kinks.
Oh, hey, Rebecca,
this letter came back.
Oh, dear, I must have
put the wrong postage on it.
Uh-oh.
What?
It's a renewal for our
liquor license, and...
I was supposed to have
sent it in two weeks ago.
What are you saying?
We have no liquor license?
Yeah.
Do you realize we're
serving alcohol in here?
I mean, they could
shut us down forever.
I know.
I'm okay, I'm
okay, I'm in charge.
This is a crisis, that's right,
but I can handle this.
I will simply call
the state liquor board
and I... I will tell them
I screwed up and I am
sure they will understand.
And what are we supposed
to do in the meantime?
Well, no one will know
if we don't say anything,
so you just keep
your mouth shut.
You are to tell no one, do
you understand? No one!
Gotcha.
Where are you
going? To tell Sam.
No!
If you tell Sam,
he won't even let me
carry the cigar box around!
I know.
That's why I'm gonna tell him.
All right, you evil thing.
What do you want?
(chortling)
Let's see, what do
you think would be fair?
Say, uh, Carla, we're supposed
to be Rebecca's friends.
Now, I could just as easily say,
"Rebecca, I'm gonna tell
Sam unless you sleep with me."
Exactly!
So, will you?
LILITH: Paul.
She forgot to renew
a liquor license.
She didn't burn
down an orphanage.
How's it going out here?
Fine, fine!
I'm in charge!
Good, good. Uh,
you don't even need
to come out here,
not even for a second.
I just want to get the
fellas some more beer.
Sam, if you need beer,
I'll bring you the beer.
Sam, this is your day to relax.
Hey, Sammy. REBECCA: Paul!
Do you want to go
out with me tonight?
Just the two of us?
I suppose so.
Paul, is there something
you want to say?
Forget it, I just got lucky.
Rebecca, come here.
Y-You're going out
to dinner with Paul?
Yes, I am.
You know, y-you might want
to think about computer dating.
Ads in the personals.
I underst... I'll
bring you the beer.
CARLA: Okay, Becks.
They said you just have to go
down to the liquor license
board in the morning
and they'll rubber-stamp
the renewal.
Oh, good. In the meantime,
we just can't serve
any alcohol. Okay,
we can't serve any alcohol.
Fine, I can deal with that.
Miss, I'd like a Scotch
and soda, please.
We're all out of Scotch.
How about a bourbon?
We're out of bourbon.
What's that behind you?
I don't see anything.
Right there, behind
you... All those bottles.
I said I don't see anything!
Carla, Carla, it's all right.
Sir, here is your
Scotch and soda.
Rebecca. It's all right.
I have a plan, just watch this.
Here you go.
N-N-N-N-No.
I don't need any money.
I want you to take this
and just think of it
as a gift from me...
Rebecca Howe, private citizen
and in no way
affiliated with this bar.
Thanks.
You see that?
That's all we have to
do, that's the answer.
All we have to do is give
everybody free alcohol
and not take any money for it,
and this bar can stay
in business forever.
Ow!
Rebecca, let me
get that for you.
Ow!
LILITH: I'm sorry,
are you all right?
Yes, just put it down.
Ow! Oh!
Rebecca? Yes?
You're taking money for a drink?
I thought the plan was
to give them away for free.
No, see, I realized
we couldn't really
afford to do that
about $1,200 ago,
so now what we're
doing is tricking them.
You see, Carla and I
have taken all the bottles
and put colored water in them,
and we're serving
non-alcoholic beer
Aha. And soft drinks.
Can I have a
strawberry daiquiri, miss?
Oh, yes, coming right up.
Kool-Aid on crushed ice.
Hey, Rebecca.
Hi, Sam.
I came for some more
beers for the guys.
They're going
through it like it's water.
Well, it's not.
You, you sure everything
is going all right?
Yes, you'll get your beer.
Just get back in there, go on.
All right.
This is very
interesting, Rebecca.
Allow me to help in
your little charade.
(loudly): I'd like
a Scotch, please.
(in normal voice): I've
done some acting in my time.
Thank you.
Whoa!
(coughs)
Smooth!
That was very good, Lilith.
You really have a
mischievous side to you.
I was The Bad
Seed in high school.
Whoa, scary play.
Oh, that's right, it was a play.
Excuse me, miss.
My rum and Coke here tastes
an awful lot like
Coke and coffee.
Oh, let me smell that.
Oh... that rum smells
pretty strong to me.
Hey, you know...
when you can't smell
or taste the alcohol,
that's a sign that
you might be having
a little drinking problem.
Excuse me?
I think you ought
to get some help.
In the meantime, how
about another rum and Coke?
We just put up a fresh pot.
Forget it.
Look, everybody is leaving.
So?
So, if Sam finds out, th-then
he'll know something's wrong.
Come on, get those
guys, get them back here.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can I talk to you a minute?
(Carla speaking quietly)
(indistinct chatter)
Wow, what did you say to them?
Oh, I just told them
that in a few minutes
you're going to
take off your clothes
and dance on the tables
in just your bra and panties.
Good thinking.
You sure everything's
okay back here? Oh!
Yeah, ev-everything's,
everything's just fine.
Come on, baby,
show us your stuff.
What-What's that?
What are they, what
are they saying?
Oh, it's, it's nothing.
I just have some stuff
and... they want to see it.
Now go on back
in there, come on.
We're just about ready
to get that beer for you.
Go on, there's
more beer on its way.
All right, all right.
Carla, take some non-alcoholic
beer back there to those guys.
I thought you were
going to do that.
I have a show to do.
Here you go, guys.
It's your fifth round.
Hope you can handle it.
What does that mean, Carla?
Nothing.
Wait a minute, what
did you put in the beer?
Nothing.
You know,
fellas, normally
I'm a great believer
in responsible drinking,
but, uh, boy, this stuff
really goes down easy.
(chuckles)
And besides, Ma knows I'm out
with the boys tonight, you know.
If I don't come home
with a little glow on,
she'll tease me till I cry.
All right, I call.
I got you this time,
fellas, read 'em and weep,
Aces over tens.
(all groan)
FRASIER: Ay, yi-yi.
WOODY: Oh, no, I'm sorry, Sam,
uh, I got a couple of
pairs... Eights and threes.
Woody, aces and tens
b*at eights and threes.
Oh, I'm sorry, here's
one more three.
Full house... (screams)
(laughing)
I know I'm the
only one laughing,
but believe me,
it's really funny.
Woody, your obnoxious,
gloating behavior
is not making you any friends.
Well, boo-hoo, Dr. Crane,
I can buy new friends.
All right, deal the cards,
come on, let's deal the cards.
Wait a minute.
I was looking for the
queen of spades here and...
there is no queen of
spades in this deck.
I'm gonna count
these cards. Go ahead.
Hey, guys, is it me or is...
(laughing): or is
this beer great?
Boy, well, you know, I...
Maybe I should
just hold off here, I...
I, for one, am
getting a little buzz on,
I'm here to tell you.
Hey, uh, guys,
listen.
I-I love you guys.
I told you hours
ago... Don't touch me.
As I suspected, there are
only 51 cards in this deck.
Oh, for cryin'...
All right, let's look
for the other one.
Yeah, you bet we're
gonna look for it
and we're gonna find it, too,
or my name is not
Clifford C. Clavin.
Come on, take it easy.
You've had a little
too much, haven't you?
Well, you relax, buddy boy.
One of us is cheating
and one of us is not
getting out of here alive.
Here it is, it's under
Sammy's chair.
Oh, Sammy, Sammy, look...
if you needed the money,
why didn't you just ask me?
No one's accusing
anyone of cheating.
We just have to
replay the last hand.
Go ahead and deal
them out there, Phil.
You want to hurry
it up there, Phil?
I got to get up early and pack
for my weekend in Nantucket.
Hmm, a little
pleasure trip, huh?
No, Lilith's coming.
Five-card showdown, fellas.
All right.
FRASIER: Uh, check.
Uh, check.
Ah!
Oh, man, I'm out. I'm out.
NORM: Oh, Woody,
for crying out loud.
I'll call.
Three aces.
(laughing)
Read 'em and weep
there, buddy boy.
Cliff, y-you got five
unmatched cards there.
CLIFF: That's right.
And, uh, you guys probably
thought I was bluffing, huh?
Come to Papa.
(yawning): Oh, boy.
I am so glad this
night is almost over.
I am just wiped out.
You know, Rebecca, you've
been through a lot tonight.
I was thinking maybe I
took advantage of you
when I asked you out.
Ever since my wife left me,
I've been sort of desperate
for female
companionship, you know.
I always say the wrong thing.
So what it boils
down to is this...
If, if, if you'd rather not go
out with me, I'd understand.
That's sweet, Paul.
I'd be delighted to go
out with you tonight.
Bring your toothbrush.
(groans)
Everything okay?
Would you quit coming
in here every five seconds
and asking me if
everything's okay?
What is it going to take
before you believe that
everything is just fine?
(door opens)
State Liquor Board.
Nobody move, this is a raid.
What the hell's going on here?
I'll handle this,
I'm the manager.
We understand you're serving
liquor here without a license.
Who owns this bar?
He does.
What the hell's going on here?
Mercy me.
What is going on here?
A raid?
Say it isn't so.
Will someone please tell me
what the hell is
going on around here?
I'll tell you, Sam.
A little vent told me
your manager let your
liquor license expire.
Yes, but w-we did not
serve one drop of liquor here
all night long,
a-a-and you guys can
check any glass here.
It's clean.
REBECCA: You see?
I saved the day.
You saved the day?!
You wouldn't have
had to save the day
if you hadn't have screwed
it up in the first place.
Come on, what were you thinking?
How could you do that?
How could you forget
something like that?
You know that could
have cost me my bar?
I mean, what have you
got... Rocks in your head?
You know, I mean, I
did mail the thing in.
It's just that it came back.
I think there was just
something wrong with the stamp.
There's nothing wrong
with the stamp, you moron.
It's for 25 cents.
I put it on myself.
AGENT: Postage is
29 cents.
Oh.
Well, I'm out of here.
Why don't you go
ahead and, uh, close up?
After all, you are the manager.
REBECCA: No, hold it a second.
You're the one that screwed up.
I-I'm the one that
saved this bar.
So, I mean, who
is the moron now?
You're the one who put
the stamp on this letter
while I've been scrambling
around this bar tonight
trying to save it without
breaking one law.
That's right, I did that...
Me, Rebecca, the moron.
REBECCA: Well, things are
going to change around here.
From now on, I want a little
respect around this place.
You got that?
All right.
Because, from this day forward,
I will hold my head up high,
because I am Rebecca Howe.
I am the manager of Cheers.
That's, that's why we
always keep the flap up.