On the next Cheers... We got
our grand reopening tonight.
It's right here, Sammy.
While Sam gets ready
for his grand reopening,
the boys check out
the bar down the street.
Well, well.
Where's your organ grinder?
Where Carla is handing
out service with a smile.
Right here.
Hey, check this out.
This place has got it all.
Free food, gorgeous
dancing girls,
everything to tempt the whole
g*ng away from Sam's place.
I'm not going back, Sam.
Coming up next time on Cheers.
♪ A happy, happy birthday ♪
♪ From Mr. Pub to you. ♪
Yay!
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, Tim!
I just heard the news.
You had a fire? Yeah.
A couple weeks ago.
Gee, the place looks great.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
We've been working pretty hard.
We've got our grand
reopening tonight.
So how'd the fire start?
Oh, yeah, glad you asked.
Sit down. Right there.
Right there, yeah.
Rebecca!
Right over there.
I b*rned down the bar
with a carelessly
tossed cigarette.
It was a stupid thing to do
and I will be paying for
it for the rest of my life.
Hey, Sammy,
you did a great job
on the rebuilding.
The place looks a
million times better
than it did before. SAM: Yeah.
Thanks, Paul. Uh, Sammy,
uh, Paul told me
all about the fire.
Gee, that's tough, man.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Oh, you want to
hear how it started?
Yeah, sure. Yeah! Great, great.
Sit down right over there.
Rebecca!
Right over there in
the sweater... go ahead.
I b*rned down the bar with
a carelessly tossed cigarette.
It was a stupid thing to do
and I will be paying for
it for the rest of my life.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
♪ ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
Hey, Norm.
Gettin' ready for
the big opening.
It's right here, Sammy.
Start pouring
beer in it anytime.
Listen, I guess we have
to start a new tab, huh?
It's too bad we
lost my old bar tab
in the fire. Oh.
Actually, I-I had
it in the safe.
You did? Mm-hmm.
Why?
Well, to tell the truth,
it's kind of my
most valuable asset.
I like to think of it as my-my
retirement plan, you know.
I figure, one of these
days, you'll start paying
and I can start
thinking about retiring.
Yeah, well, um, I'd
make other plans.
Phone company.
Looking for a Rebecca Howe.
That's me.
Well, hello!
The name's Bernard.
If I'd known you were
such a foxy lady...
I would have worn
my clean pants.
Bernard, we need you
to get the phones working.
The one here in the bar
and one back in the office
and the pay phone over there.
We haven't had phone
service in two weeks.
Relax, pretty lady.
I'll give you service. Good.
Get it?
So much for foreplay.
Just fix the phones!
Hey, huh?
You still got it with the guys!
Look at this place, huh?
Can't wait to see how
surprised Carla's gonna be
when she sees how
much work we've done
in the last couple of weeks.
Say, where is Carla, anyway?
Oh, she, uh, took
a temporary job
over in that new bar
in Boylston, you know,
"Mr. Pubb's"...
one of those chains.
She'll be here for the
grand opening, though.
Yeah, well, I, for
one, don't miss her...
That little foulmouthed,
fright -wigged rodent.
Hi, Carla.
Hi, guys.
Woody, what are
you doing back here?
How come you're not
on your honeymoon?
Honeymoon?
Is that what you call it
when two people lock
themselves in a room
and refuse to speak or
even look at each other?
No, Wood, that's marriage.
Hey, what happened?
Well, Kelly and I found out
we're from different religions.
I thought you and Kelly
were both Lutheran.
Oh, well, that's what I thought.
It turns out she's Lutheran
Church of America,
I'm Lutheran Church
of Missouri Synod.
What if we had children,
we'd have half-breeds.
Woody, very often these
problems can be resolved
by, uh, a group session.
Oh, no, I don't think
so, Doctor Crane.
The sight of Kelly with another
man would drive me crazy.
No, no, Frasier's talking
about counseling, Woody.
You are, aren't you?
Counseling! Yes!
See?
Perhaps Lilith and I
could provide some help.
Oh, that's nice, Doctor Crane.
I'll-I'll ask Kelly.
If she's not too busy
begging at airports
or whatever those people do.
I'll be finished
in about an hour.
Tell me something.
You ever seen the
ceiling of a phone truck?
Listen, buster.
You get my phones working
or I'll come down on you
with a sexual harassment suit
that'll make your head spin...
That is if there's a neck
in there somewhere!
All right! All right!
Phew!
Your service'll be back
on in a couple of hours!
Phew!
Lesbian, huh?
You'd be surprised how many
of those I run into in a day.
Who put a quarter in this bar
that I just finished varnishing?
I did.
Go ahead, try to pick it up.
Well, I can't.
It's stuck in the varnish.
That's right, right!
You can't pick it up no
matter how hard you try!
Why don't you guys
just go away and come
back tonight for the reopening.
This is the way you treat us?
We come in to help you,
and now you kick us out?
Two hours of putting the
Indian and the wooden lady
in dirty positions
is not helping.
Tell you, fellas, if you want...
You want to help out why
don't you go over and get Carla.
She's at the bar
on Boylston... Mr. Pubb's, okay?
Get her back here.
I want her an hour early.
We're gonna have that ribbon-cutting
ceremony. Sure thing, Sam.
Done.
Say, Normie. Hey.
Want to stop on the
way for a sandwich?
It's three blocks
over... Boylston?
No, no, no, not
to worry, Cliffy.
I stuffed my
pockets with pretzels.
Something I learned
in the Boy Scouts...
You've got to be prepared.
Ah, you were in the
Boy Scouts, huh?
Yeah, for about a
week, then I quit.
How come? Well,
there was some talk
about going on a hike.
♪ ♪
Hi.
Welcome to Mr. Pubb's.
My name is Carla.
I'll be your server
for the evening.
What can I get you?
Give me a Scotch on the rocks.
An excellent choice, sir.
That's great, Carla!
That's the first time you did it
without the Mr. Pubb's Handbook!
Bite my pubb!
Well, Carla,
you've really come a long
way in the past two weeks.
Thank you, sir.
A Scotch on the
rocks for table 12.
Coming right up.
So's my lunch.
Boy, oh, boy!
This place have
enough neon or what?
Yeah, it looks like the
inside of a UFO in here.
No, actually, Norm,
they're quite different.
I guess.
Welcome to Mr. Pubb's. Hey.
Someone will be here in a
moment to help you, friends.
Just need a couple
beers, that's all.
Oh, from which country?
We have over 200 to choose from.
Well, what say, Cliffy?
Once around the
world and then home?
All right.
Yeah.
Oh, man, wow, look at this.
I mean, not only do
they have a video arcade
but they've got, uh,
ten big-screen TVs
right over there in the wall.
Each one of them
televising a different game.
Boy, I-I-I bet your neck,
though, will get really sore
moving your head back
and forth from game to game.
Try just moving your eyes.
Hey!
Cool!
Well, well, well!
Where's your organ-grinder?
Right here.
I just mean, you know,
don't you feel kind
of silly in that outfit?
Of course I feel
silly in this outfit.
I can't wait till my shift ends,
so I can get my paycheck
and head back to Cheers.
Carla, we have a
birthday at table four.
Ooh, a birthday!
Ooh, a birthday!
If you guys, if you guys ever,
ever say one word about what
you are about to see me do,
the last thing you'll see
is me takin' a bite out of
your still-b*ating hearts!
Ready?
One, two, three.
♪ A happy, happy birthday
from Mr. Pubb to you ♪
♪ A happy, happy birthday
from Mr. Pubb to you! ♪
Yay!
Boy, poor Carla, huh?
I'd hate to have
a job like that.
Wearing a dorky uniform
out in the public all day.
There but for the
grace of God, Norm.
Okay, overstuffed potato skins.
Hey, we didn't make fun of you.
No.
These! These!
It's happy hour.
They're complimentary.
Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.
What are you guys
doing here anyway?
Sammy asked us to come by
to make sure you
stopped by Cheers early.
I'll tell you, I can't wait
to get out of this hellhole.
Carla,
could I see you a minute please?
Yes, sir.
Here's your paycheck
for the past two weeks.
You had a rocky start, but,
at the rate you're improving,
I think you might just
be up for a promotion
in the next month or so.
Seriously? Here at Mr. Pubb's,
we believe in
promoting from within.
Wow!
I see you noticed our
Mr. Pubb's satisfied
customer bonus.
I never had a satisfied
customer bonus before.
Come to think of it, I never
had a satisfied customer before.
By the way, Carla, can you work
an extra couple hours tonight?
We're a little shorthanded.
You bet I can.
That's the Mr. Pubb's
spirit, Carla.
Hey, listen, guys.
Something just came up. Hmm.
Uh, you're gonna have
to tell Sammy that, uh,
I'm gonna be late
tonight. What?!
Hey, come on, it's
Sammy's big opening night.
You're gonna break his heart.
Just tell him
I'll explain later.
Oh, that's amazing, Norm.
Carla's not gonna show up there
for Sammy's grand reopening.
Well, let's go back and, uh,
break the news to
him, I guess. Yeah.
Wahba, wahba, wahba, everybody.
It's luau night
here at Mr. Pubb's,
complete with
complimentary pupu platters.
We're not going back
to Cheers, are we, Cliff?
No, we are not.
Hey, fellas, look
what I've got here.
What's that?
You know the bar
business is getting
more and more competitive.
And I've been wracking my brains
trying to figure out
how I can compete.
I think I've finally
got the answer.
A toaster oven? Yeah.
See what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna put
some saltines in here, melt some
American cheese on top.
Serve them to the customers,
buck a plate maybe.
Well, there goes my last
reason for staying home.
Sam, you'd better
get started on those.
The grand reopening
is in less than an hour.
Whoa, you're kidding me.
Where the hell are
Carla and the other guys?
Hey, do me a
favor, will you fellas?
Will you go over to
that, uh, Mr. Pubb's place
and, uh, bring 'em
all back please?
Oh, I don't know,
Sammy. Oh, come on.
It really is kind of far, Sam.
Yeah, let them come
back on their own.
All right, all right, all right,
a complimentary plate of
cr*cker snacks in it for you.
What do you say?
Each?
All right, all right, all right.
You drive a hard bargain.
Get out of here.
Hi, everyone.
Kelly, I admire you for coming.
Well, I believe a
marriage is worth saving.
Well, that's not
all she believes.
Ask her why she believes
the Book of Concord
and the Scriptures
are on the same level.
Go ahead, ask her.
Because they're not.
Ask her why the sacraments
are considered
vehicles of grace.
Go ahead, I dare you.
They're symbolic memorials.
Heretic!
Now, now...
You two...
Perhaps a page from Frasier's
and my personal history
will calm the waters.
Woody, Kelly.
I am Jewish and
Frasier is Episcopalian.
Now originally, we feared
this might cause
conflict in our marriage.
But then we learned
to compromise,
even in the raising
of our son, Frederick.
We make sure he experiences
both sides of his
religious heritage.
As usual, my
darling wife is right.
Frederick goes to
synagogue every Friday night.
He delights in hiding
matzos at Passover.
The family celebrates Hanukkah.
Meanwhile, Christmas
comes and goes
without so much as a tree.
Odd, really, because
a Christmas tree isn't even
symbolic of Christianity.
But apparently it threatens
Lilith's Jewish faith.
Look out, everybody!
A fir tree!
5,000-year-old religion,
and Frasier Crane's
going to bring it down
with a four-foot
tree and some tinsel!
Excuse me.
I'm just not sure
how this applies to us.
Your religious
differences are
extremely inconsequential.
One is reminded
of Gulliver's Travels
in which two countries warred
over which side of
an egg gets cracked:
the narrow end or
the rounded end.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Of course it's the rounded end.
Oh, Kelly, I don't even
know who you are anymore!
Sam, give me two beers
and a scotch on the rocks.
I don't get it.
Cheers is opening again
and none of my
close friends are here.
That's because
you've sent everybody
over to Mr. Pubb's to get Carla,
who, by the way,
is two hours late.
You know what
this reminds me of?
It reminds me of
that spooky movie,
where those people
keep going into the barn
and then they disappear.
And so they send other people
to go in there and
they disappear.
And then, still others
go in the barn
and they disappear.
And then they
find out that there's
a psycho k*ller in there
stabbing everybody.
What was the name of that movie?
Don't Go In The Barn.
This is crazy.
I'm going over there right
now and bring them back.
Hold down the fort, will you?
Okay.
Congratulations
on your reopening.
Trust me,
one Lambada with Bernard,
and you'll never look
at another woman.
You don't get it, do you?
We're born this way.
Wow.
All these big-screen TVs getting
satellite feeds from
all over the world.
Yeah, well, Normie, it
is the information age.
We can receive
up-to-the-minute stock prices,
medical breakthroughs,
political upheavals
from all around the globe.
Of course we'd, uh,
have to turn off
the cartoons first.
Oh, there you are! Hey, fellas!
Hey, Sammy!
What are you doing here?
You're missing, you
know, the opening.
What, it's that late already?
Is it that late already?
You telling me you
just been playing,
playing games around here
and watch, watching the TVs?
Sam we got caught
up in them, you know?
Yeah, hey, Sammy, is this
place great or what, huh?
Yeah, but so is a little
place called Cheers.
Or have you forgotten?
Did you tell them about
the cr*cker snacks?
I'm talking about
American cheese
on top of some
saltines and everything.
Maybe 50 cents a plate.
Can't b*at that, huh?
Excuse me! Hi!
Happy hour ribs, complimentary.
You, uh, you were saying, Sammy?
Never mind. Never mind.
Carla, hey, what're you doing?
How come you're
still in uniform?
You're supposed to be at Cheers.
Oh. I'm not going back, Sammy.
What do you mean?
Well, I want to.
I really do, but they're paying
me too much money here.
I can't give it up.
What are you saying?
Are you saying you're quitting?
Well, when were you
gonna tell me? Never?
I tried to call you, but
I couldn't get through.
And then I asked
the guys to tell you,
but none of them ever went back.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait,
wait... This is crazy.
You and I have been
working together for 14 years.
Sammy, can't you
be happy for me?
I mean, I've found a job
that pays me a lot of money.
Fine, all right, fine!
I'll tell you something,
you want to quit,
you have the courtesy
to come to my bar
and tell me face-to-face.
And until you do that,
I consider you still
employed at Cheers.
Okay, fine!
I'll stop by to quit
as soon as I'm off.
Yeah, you do that! Okay, I will!
Yeah, fine! Fine!
Yeah, "fine" back!
Hey, fellas, enjoy the ribs!
You know, uh, American cheese
is one of the world's
finest cheeses.
Melted on a saltine, that's a...
that's a party in your mouth.
Anybody feel like
maybe we should, uh,
walk on back to Cheers?
Yeah, let's do that, huh?
Okay. Hey, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Boys, be prepared.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Carla,
let me get this straight.
You're really not
going back to Cheers?
I know it's a lousy job, Norm,
but for the amount of
money they're throwing at me,
it's nothing I can't take.
Carla, uh, I'm gonna
put a new trainee with you
for the next two weeks.
She's a bright girl.
She's, uh, an
anthropology student at B.U.
Ellen!
Ellen, come meet Carla.
Well, you must be Carla.
I know what you're thinking:
"She doesn't look
like a waitress."
That's because
I'm really a writer.
Or actuellement, a poetess.
Well, Mr. Missouri Synod,
you demanded to see me?
Yeah, Kelly, uh, would
you please sit down here?
Something very
important to tell you.
Listen, uh, what's gone
on these last few days
has affected me very deeply.
I love you, Kelly.
That's why...
I'm now a member
of The Evangelical
Lutheran Church of
America, just like you.
Oh, Woody!
You've saved our marriage!
What a wonderful sacrifice.
Now when we die
and go to heaven,
we won't be separated by
barbed wire and barking dogs.
What was it exactly
that saved you, Woody?
Well, something Dr. Crane said.
That thing about how
true love can overcome
all differences?
Not exactly.
Uh, he took me aside
and said I'd better
get used to giving in to you
on every point for
the rest of our lives
if I ever wanted to
see you naked again.
Well, he is a Ph.D., you know.
Yes, dear.
Shall we resume our honeymoon?
Yes, dear.
Woody, today you are a man.
Yes, dear.
Hey, Carla, I'm so
glad you're back.
Yeah, me, too, Sammy.
Why won't you tell me,
you know, why
you left that place?
Sammy, believe me,
you're better off not knowing.
Just swear to me
you'll never go
back in that bar.
Well, you're talking
like there was
some sort of psycho
k*ller there or something.
If only...
Sammy, just swear to
me you won't go back.
Okay. Well, I won't go. Okay.
I'm just glad you're here.
Yeah, isn't it funny
how things work out?
I mean, you know, if
I'd stayed at Mr. Pubb's,
I would have made
a lot more money,
but I never would have
met my date for tonight.
Your date? Yeah.
Ready to go, sweetheart? Mm-hmm.
Last straight broad in America,
and Bernard's got her.