11x04 - The Magnificent Six

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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11x04 - The Magnificent Six

Post by bunniefuu »

Next time on Cheers...

Whoever has the most
phone numbers at midnight

will be acknowledged as the
world's greatest lady's man.

Place your bets on who's
the better babe hound.

Our man Malone or
that flashy French import.

I got another one.

Yup, they're calling
up their best charms

to see who's the
love connection king.

France has won!

Uh, not so fast there, Frenchie.

Uh, congratulations on

that, uh... that, uh,

phone number
thing we were doing.

Next time on Cheers.

Okay, ladies,

right foot.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Cliffie. What you doing?

Uh, writing a letter of
application for the Ecopod.

What the heck's the Ecopod?

It's a totally
self-contained environment

located in a mile-wide bubble
underneath the desert floor.

Yeah.

It's gonna be inhabited by
the best and the brightest

of the, uh, human species,
so I-I thought I'd apply.

They're gonna have
a zoo in there, too?

Yeah. Yeah, very funny, Carla.

You'll be laughing out of
the other side of your face

when they make me Postmaster
General of the Ecopod.

Actually, the Ecopod does
have some scientific merit.

It was designed by
a colleague of Lilith's,

Dr. Louis Pascal.

It will serve as a prototype

for the colonization of space.

Plus which, the grant
money is incredible.

I hear Pascal's driving a Lexus.

Boy, I sure hope I get a sh*t

at being sealed
up in that thing.

Say, would a petition help?

It might.

Hey, I'll sign that.

No! I'm first!

Okay... Boy.

You guys are the best
friends a fellow ever had.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Sammy, when is Woody
getting back from his honeymoon?

I've been working a
double shift for two weeks,

and I'm exhausted.

Oh, thank you. Come again.

Oh, my God, who am I?

Uh-oh. Isn't that Henri,

that jerk who's always trying
to steal Kelly from Woody?

You know, I just
don't like that guy.

Con artist.

Yeah, Mister Frenchie Two-Face.

Hello, fellows!

Hey, Henri! How's it going?

Hey, Henri, what
can I do for you?

Uh, I need a favor, Sam.

I need you to tell the
Unemployment Office

that I applied for a job,
and you turned me down.

Sammy, come here.

What? Listen, why
don't we hire the guy?

That would help me out a lot.

Oh, I-I don't know about that.

Henri, did you ever tend bar?

- Well, yes, but...
- You're hired.

No, no, but you are
missing the point.

You are to turn me down

and send me on my way so that

I might spend my afternoon
watching television.

I'm sorry, man,
but I need the help.

Thanks.

Okay, give me an apron.

Oh, mon dieu.

I am filling Woody's shoes.

Oh, the pressure.

Well, Henri, let me be
your first customer, okay?

I would like a beer,
please, and put it on my tab.

Aren't you supposed
to pay when served?

Well, as long

as we're bringing up the
matter of debt, Frenchie,

let me bring up a
couple little things

called World w*r I
and World w*r II, okay?

Now, why don't we subtract
the cost of my puny little beer

from the enormous
debt that you owe us?

Okay, okay.

Hey, uh, you came down pretty
hard on him, didn't you, Norm?

Damn it, Cliffie.

My dad was almost in the army.

Say, can I bum a cigarette?

Yeah, I got one right...

Oh, God! Sam, I swear, I swear.

I can't believe you...

No, this is the only
one that I've had!

You promised me you
would not smoke in the office.

We had a little problem
with that, remember?

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Whoo! Whoosh!

I know, I know,
and I've tried to quit,

but it's too
hard... I just can't!

Yeah, well, you need
some professional help.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, here we go.

"Smokers Anonymous,"
"Smoke Beaters."

Oh, yeah, yeah.

"Doctor Kluger's
No-Mercy Clinic."

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Here we are.

Sam, he doesn't even
have an ad; it's just his name.

How about going with this one

with the cute little
smoking kitty?

Yeah, uh, is this,
uh, Dr. Kluger?

Well, my name's Sam
Malone, and I have an employee

that needs to stop smoking
right this very minute.

Can you help me out?

Yeah, tell me
about your program.

Oh! Ow!

Boy, I bet that hurts, huh?

Wow, I bet you really have to
be a doctor to do that, don't you?

Uh, no, no. It sounds terrific.

Yes, I can. All right, great!

Thank you very much.

Sounds good. Oh, yeah.

I'll fit it in in my spare time.

Maybe I'll stop by next week.

No, you don't understand, hon.

We got to get you up to
the sidewalk right now.

They're sending
the, uh, Kluger van.

Oh, yeah. Van?

Oh, yeah. Come on. Kluger van?

It'll be good for you.

You'll be all right.

So,

you're the girl
who likes to smoke.

You don't intimidate me.

I've been to a million
of these places,

and they don't work.

I'm out of here.

Oh, well, fine. Go.

You're free to leave.

No doorknob.

Yeah, that's right, Miss Howe.

Because you have the
key, and the key is discipline.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm scared.

Why don't you just
save yourself some time

and unlock the door?

Uh... all right, Miss Howe.

Relax. Have a seat.

Why don't you have a cigarette?

In fact...

why don't you have,
a thousand cigarettes?

Now...

you are going to smoke

until you can smoke no more.

But I predict you
will not get past 50.

No one has ever gotten past 50.

I had 50 in the van.

Oh, well,

I can see this is going
to be a challenge.

All right, hold my calls.

And so you can imagine
my embarrassment

when I made two
dates for the same night.

Uh, what happened when
your two lovelies arrived?

Was there a catfight?

Oh please, tell me
there was a catfight.

Of course.

There was a big catfight.

They were very, very naughty.

I don't even know why I kept
letting them up on the bed.

Henri, where was the
strangest place that you ever...

Oh, that would have to be,
uh, ah, during a performance

in the balcony at
the Paris Opera.

And believe me,

it wasn't over until
the fat lady sang.

Very impressive.

And what about you, Sam?

You're supposed to
be a great ladies' man?

All right, let's see,
the strangest place,

that'd have to be,
uh, the back of a car.

Well, that's not so strange.

The car's on an
assembly line, Henri.

You played with me, Sam.

Hey, I like you.

It's nothing personal.

As a matter of
fact, I think of you

as kind of a...
young Sam Malone.

Uh, don't you mean, you're
kind of, uh, an old Henri?

No, I don't.

Well, but why should
we argue the point

when we can settle it in battle?

What do you mean?

I suggest a little competition.

All right, here's what we do.

We shall collect phone
numbers from beautiful women.

Whoever has the most
phone numbers at midnight

will be acknowledged as the
world's greatest ladies' man.

That's a great idea.

Hey, take him, Sammy!

Yeah, put him in his place.

Don't listen to this.
It's a stupid idea.

Oh...

Do I hear a scaredy-cat's tune?

Would you grow up, Henri?

Scaredy-cat,
scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat.

Hey, hey, stop that.

Hey, please, will ya?

Maybe ten years ago I
would have taken this silly bet.

But I'm, I'm older,
and I'm a little wiser.

Oh, well, maybe
you're right, Sam.

Maybe we don't need to compete.

I'll simply be king
of ladies' men

and you'd be the mayor
of Scaredy-Cat Town.

You'd better hurry.

I am about to get
my first number.

Yeah, well, he can get
all the numbers he wants.

I'm not going to
stoop to his level.

Bravo, Sam.

You handled that very well.

It's good to see
that you've evolved

beyond the playboy mentality of
bedding every woman you meet.

Times have changed and
you've wisely changed with them.

I applaud that.

Oh, well, I appreciate that.
Thanks. Thanks very much.

Well, the king of babes is dead.

What the hell are we
supposed to do now?

Norm. Yeah.

Tell the bartender I
need a vodka-rocks.

Sammy, Carla needs a
vodka-rocks and a beer.

Carla, will you cut it out with
this "tell the bartender" stuff?

It's me, Sam.

Sam is dead.

He d*ed, when he wouldn't
take the challenge from Henri.

You know, that's just childish.

Can we please just
talk about anything

besides this damned bet?

Yeah. Okay, how about this?

What would, uh, Metropolis
be like if Superman retired?

Oops! One thing
wrong with that scenario.

Superman gives a damn.

I've got two more numbers, Sam.

Yeah, well, I'm
not playing, Henri.

You will, Sam, you will.

Yeah? What makes you think so?

Because I know you, Sam.

Deep down you're a, uh-uh,
babe-hound just as I am.

Admit it.

With every phone number I
catch, you die a little inside.

You can deny what you are
to the others, but not to me.

Come, Sam, come
over to the dark side!

Just go fill a pretzel
bowl, will you?

Okay. Okay.

But after they're filled...
Come to the dark side!

Normie, now that Sammy's dead,

you realize we're gonna
have to live vicariously

through Henri?

No, Cliffie.

Just say we stopped living
vicariously through others, huh?

What do you say we
get off our duffs for once,

and live ourselves, so
that some other poor slubs

can live vicariously
through us? Huh?

What do you say we...

Oh, sh**t!

Damn, I nearly
got through it, too!

You were good. Yeah.

I thought you were gonna do it!

You are the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen.

It would make
my life worth living

if only I could have
your phone number.

Sorry.

Nothing personal.

I just don't like French guys.

Oh...

Well, uh, that's, uh,

that's just an affectation.

I'm Chuck from Portland.

I-I just figured you're
so sophisticated

that you-you wouldn't
have anything to do

with plain old me.

You should have more
confidence, Chuck.

Maybe this will help
your self-esteem.

I got another one.

Thank you.

Sammy!

I am thrashing you soundly.

You better hurry!

You'll never catch up!

Look at Sammy
just standing there.

Maybe Henri's right.

Maybe he is a... scaredy-cat.

You guys don't get it, do you?

You know, it's...

I've done all this
babe-chasing stuff.

All right,
here-here's what it is.

It's like... it's like watching
The Three Stooges.

You know?

You watch the
early ones with Curly,

and they-they were magic!

And then... then you watch
the later ones, you know,

where they're using the
same jokes with Curly Joe,

and it just breaks your heart!

See, what I'm saying is...

I guess, you know,

you-you've got to
move with the times.

That's all.

Well, listen to the scaredy-cat
knocking Curly Joe.

I got another one, Sam!

Hey! Hey! The whole
issue is closed, Henri.

I'm not taking the bet.

Oh, very well, I give up.

I won't bother you again.

After all, what can I
expect from an American?

You are all fat, lazy,

stupid.

All you want to do is
watch TV, eat fast food

while your easy
women are scooped up

by handsome
foreigners like myself.

That tears it!

You've just drawn
blood on the US of A, pal!

Cliff, calm down.
Calm down, nothing!

Sammy might be
missing in action,

but on behalf of
this great nation,

I'm gonna go out there

and collect more
telephone numbers

than that sleazy Frenchman!


What about it, men?
Are you with me?

You know, I'm
usually afraid of girls,

but it's for America!

Me, too!

Then let's go!!

Hey, fellows, fellows, fellows!

All right, please,
take your seats.

Okay, Henri, you're on.

Carla, get the babe kit.

Not the babe kit!
Sam, are you sure?!

Yeah.

Oh, but, Sammy, he's just a kid!

He didn't know!

Maybe it's time
he grew up, Carla.

Oh, but Sammy, you told
me never to get the babe kit!

Henri, you shouldn't have
brought America into this.

Ooh! The babe kit!

I'm shaking!

What is this babe kit?

Tell me.

Tell me!

Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat,
scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat!

Okay, Carla, I'm ready.

Bring in the kit.

Before you open this thing,

I want you to know
this is a one-sh*t deal,

tonight only.

In this box is the Sam
Malone I used to be.

Sammy, if you've
outgrown all this stuff,

why do you keep it?

I thought maybe one
day I'd have a son.

Sam! Oh!

Sam!

The first edition of
your little black book.

Yeah. Oh!

Your Members Only jacket!

Oh, Sammy, a picture
of you and Elvis!

Yeah, yeah. The
chicks really love that.

What kind of cologne is that?

It's a special blend;

Old Spice, Hai Karate and
something that takes spots out.

I'm not really sure.

Well, I'll leave you to prepare.

Yeah.

Every time I think I'm
out, they pull me back in!

So, I wanted to be an artist.

The old man wouldn't have it.

Off to medical school.

I could never please him.

Aw. Not you, with all the
important work you do?

Well, it was never enough.

You poor, poor man.

Mm.

Oh, watch it. Don't get
ashes on my diploma.

Oh.

Hey, guys!

Hey. All right, Fras.

Say what's the,
uh, tote board for?

I thought Sam wasn't
gonna take that bet.

Well, he wasn't,

but then Henri turned it
into a big grudge match...

France versus the USA.

At the last hour, Sam
stepped in for our side.

Damn, and I missed it!

I was home teaching
my kid to read!

I could kick myself!

Thanks a lot, sweetheart.

I-I'll give you a
call next week.

You know, I think
the two of us could be

very special together, Michelle!

Or should I say, uh,
number eight? Yeah!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Wait-wait-wait.

Oh, my God! Is it really you?

Uh, yeah.

Hi. How long has it been?

Oh I love what you did
with your hair! It's great!

Thank you.

Are you still going
with, uh... Oh, sh**t.

Steve? Yeah. Steve, right.

No, no,

apparently, he wasn't
ready to make a commitment.

Is that Steve or what?

That's right.

God, you look wonderful!

Hey, give me a hug.
It's great to see you.

Great to see you.

Wait, this is crazy!
This is crazy!

Here, look, give me your number.

I don't want to lose
touch with you again.

You know, I really meant
to call you a couple of times.

Here.

Well, shame on you for not.

Give me another hug.

All right.

Bye. Bye-bye. See you later.

Sammy, who was that?

How the hell should I know?

USA! USA! USA!

So how many
orphans did you save?

Oh, 15, 16 if you
include their little puppy.

You went back in
to save a puppy?

Well, he was an orphan, too.

Oh!

My card. HENRI: Oh, thank you.

Uh, could you push
that down for me?

Oh, sure.

How am I doing, Carla?

Well, it's all tied up
with, uh, two minutes left.

No sweat.

Oh, that's what I like to hear.

The old Sammy's back!

Oh!

I can't believe it!

Excuse me, miss, have you
seen a, an Olympic gold medal

from the decathlon?

I hate to lose it.

It was part of a set.

But I'll tell you something,

I would give them all up for
a sh*t at your phone number.

Look, I find you very amusing

and, uh, I appreciate
all this flattery,

but if this is just some bar
pickup, I wish you wouldn't.

I'm just coming off
a bad relationship

and I'm very
vulnerable right now.

Oh, well, I'm, uh, I'm
sorry. I didn't know that.

Uh, actually, I'm, I'm
not an Olympic athlete.

Sam, hurry!

Uh, I'm a secret agent.

Uh... I'm sorry.

You were right the first time.

It's a sleazy bar pickup.

Yeah. Forgive me.

It was very childish.

Good luck to you.

Thanks. Yeah. Sorry.

Aw, sh**t.

I guess Henri wins.

I win! I win!

France has won! France has won!

There's something
you never hear.

Well, Henri, you
won fair and square.

Congratulations.

Yes, I did, Sam, and on behalf
of Frenchmen everywhere,

let me just say...

Well, thank you. How
very gracious of you.

Shame on you, Sam. Shame on you!

You threw back the tying babe

just because she was vulnerable.

The old Sammy would have kept
on pushing till he got the number.

Well, maybe I'm just not
the old Sammy anymore.

No, I guess you're not.

Uh, excuse me.

Yeah?

Listen, I just wanted
to tell you that

I, uh, appreciate you being
such a gentleman back there.

Oh, well...

You know, I don't meet
many men who are like that.

You're welcome. You're welcome.

Good luck to you.

Hey, what are you
doing later on tonight?

Uh, I thought you
wanted to be alone.

What about all that
vulnerable stuff?

Oh, that was just a line I use

to find out what kind
of man I'm dealing with.

Good for you!

Hey, you guys, you
have to meet this guy.

He is such a gentleman.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, yeah, and he's cute too.

Oh.

Listen, we're gonna go out.

Do you want to come along?

It's a lot more fun with four.

Yeah.

Look, there's one thing
that you should know.

We do everything together.

Everything?

Everything.

Yeah. Well!

Ladies, ladies.

Uh, Carla, uh, would
you close the bar for me?

Uh, oh, Henri, uh,
congratulations on that, uh,

that, uh, phone number
thing we were doing.

Okay, ladies,

right foot!

USA! USA!

USA!
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