11x11 - Love Me, Love My Car

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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11x11 - Love Me, Love My Car

Post by bunniefuu »

I just sold Sam my car.

Next time on Cheers...
Oh, that's great!

That's all he's
been talking about.

Uh-oh, looks like Sammy's
sweet talk's gone to far.

You scammed a poor,
innocent widow out of her car!

What some guys'll
do for a red Corvette.

Hi, boys and girls.

Listen, I'm gonna
be sitting right here

until your teacher forgives me.

It's a lesson he won't
forget, next time on Cheers.

And where do fibbers go?

In the doghouse!

Oh, come on, Susan,
not the doghouse!

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, here you go,
pal. Let me, uh...

Sorry.

I don't have any change on me.

That's all right. God
bless you anyway.

Hey, Sam.

Hey, Frasier, how
you doing, man?

I tell you, I used to
have change all the time,

but things are tough now.

The bar b*rned down, you know.

This is the place right here.

Yeah, b*rned down,

and I've been spending
every dime I have

just to rebuild the place.

I don't have anyone to
blame but myself really.

And women. Oh, God.

Me and women.

Oh. Yeah, I tell you, I think...

I think it first started for me

when I hired this really bright,
blonde waitress, you know.

Her name was Diane.

Maybe you heard about her.

Used to come in and
out of here all the time.

Five years ago,
books under her arm...

And then Rebecca, you
know, finally admitted,

"Yeah, I b*rned the bar down."

I forgave her.

Good night, Sam.

Yeah, good night, Fras!

And then, listen to this.

Rebecca finally

admits to me, "Yes, I
b*rned the bar down."

Was I mad, I tell you.

But what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna stick
her with guilt the rest of...

Sam? Yeah?

There you go.

Thank you.

Come this way. Oh.

Here you go.

You earned it.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Sam. Hey, listen, uh,

my folks sent me a
Christmas ham, and I wanted

to surprise Kelly,
so I'm putting him

in your office till the last
minute. Is that all right?

Fine with me. Sure it will keep?

Oh, sure.

Unless some city
boy lets him out.

Oh, Woody, look.

He's so cute.

Yes, you are. You're so sweet.

Oh, he's shivering.

Should we cover
him with something?

Well, not really.

Maybe with some honey
glaze and a little pineapple.

That is disgusting.

I can't believe you'd even think

about k*lling
something this sweet.

Rebecca, where do you
think hams come from?

Big, funny-shaped
cans on aisle six.

Actually, I'm something of
an expert on that subject.

Big, funny-shaped cans?

No, Carla.

I happen to be a swine buff.

You see, your porcine
mammal is known

for his superior intelligence.

Well, that's true.

You know, back in Hanover,

they say pigs are
smarter than the people.

Actually, it's usually the
tourists who point that out.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Sam Malone.

I'm Sam. What can I do for you?

Oh. I'm, uh, Susan Methany.

My husband Kirby
bought your Corvette.

You... You've seen my Corvette?

Is it parked outside right now?

Wait. Oh, how is
she? How's she doing?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me... Let me get my
shammy from the office here!

No! Mr. Malone,
it-it's not here.

I just came here to ask

a few questions about it.

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry. I got a
little carried away.

You see, um, Kirby passed
away a couple months ago.

Oh. Well, that is bad news.

It wasn't a car crash, was it?

Oh, no, no.

It-It was a heart att*ck.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, thank God that he's,
uh, not suffering anymore.

I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Let me... Sit down. Let me...

Let me buy you a
coffee or something.

Thank you.

Um... boy, that must be really
tough on you right now, huh?

Well, it's been a little
rough, but I'm getting over it.

Yeah.

And part of getting over it

is dealing with all the
details, like the car.

Oh.

My lawyer says I need
the vehicle ID number,

and I can't find it.

That's U510593947-D.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What am I doing?

Let me... Let me
write this down for you.

Although I, uh, do have kind of
a cute way of remembering this.

Uh, I made up a little song.

Want to hear it?

Yeah. I-I'm a
kindergarten teacher.

I get my fill of
cute little songs.

All right.

Maybe you could
just write it down.

Sure.

So, Susan.

So, what are you
gonna do with the car?

Um, I don't know.

I-I was just keeping
it in the garage.

I'm perfectly happy
driving my Volkswagen.

Excuse me.

Is that garage heated?

Oh, yes, yes.

Kirby insisted.

He was a little nuts about
the car, sweet as he was.

Okay, there you go.

Oh, thank you.

Do you have a pay phone?

Uh, my lawyer said I should
call him with the number.

Oh! Uh, here. No.

As a matter of fact,
use this one right here.

There you go. Hey, guys...

I'm sorry. I'm
just a little excited

about your husband, uh...

Hey, fellas.

You know that guy Kirby

who, uh, bought my Corvette?

Dead.

Yeah.

Sorry, I can't be
happy for you, Sam.

I didn't know him like
you did. No, no, no.

No, no. No, I'm not happy
that the guy had a heart att*ck.

It's just that this is a chance
for me to get my Corvette back.

Oh, so, how do you figure
you're gonna get the car?

Oh, uh, that lady right there...

That's, uh... that's the widow.

So, I figure, what?

You know, I just take her
out to dinner a few times,

let her get to know
me, you know,

pour on the charm,
and then, boom.

I'll lowball her, you know?

Well, this calls for a round
on the house, huh? Come on.

I don't have my car yet, man.

You, uh, kind of jumped the
g*n on that one, huh, Norm?

Thank you, Mr. Monday
Morning Quarterback.

Thanks, Mr. Malone.

I won't bother you anymore.

Oh, uh, hold on
one second, there.

Let me just, uh...

Don't know how
to say this, but, uh,

I can only imagine what
you're going through

and everything at this point.

I just want you to know
that if you ever want to talk,

I'm a bartender, and that's
what I'm paid to do. I listen.

Well, thank you.
That's nice of you.

Yeah. Actually, you
know, what the heck.

I got a break right now.

You want to

take a walk in the park,
maybe, and just... talk?

All right, I'd like that.

Great, all right.

It'd be nice talking to someone
who's not six years old.

Yeah, I'll bet.

I'm getting my car back!

You are such a good boy.

Yes, you are!

Yes, you did, you used
your litter box again!

Oh, he would make the best pet.

Hey, Woody, would
you consider selling him?

No, but I'll share him.

You will?

Sure. The day after Christmas,
I'll bring you some sandwiches.

Woody, why would
you say things like that?

Miss Howe, I think

you're getting a little
too attached to this pig.

I am not, am I, Snuffles?

No, I'm not getting
too attached to you.

Whoa, Sammy, what's up?

You're breaking
out the good stuff.

Yeah. Susan's coming over again.

So, Sam, how are things
between you and Susan?

Oh, uh, you know,
pretty good, pretty good.

You know, I take
her out, we talk.

We talk about school,
about Kirby, life.

You know, everything
under the sun.

Funny thing is,
the more we talk,

the more she likes me.

The more she likes me,
the more she trusts me.

And the more she trusts me,

the closer I get to
snagging that car.

Did anyone else's
blood just run cold?

Oh, come on.

I'm not doing
anything wrong here.

Give me a break, man.

You know, I'm helping
her out, as a matter of fact.

She's going through
some pretty difficult times.

I'm taking her mind off of it.

In other words, you
deserve that car.

Well, I didn't want to say it,

but I'm glad someone
sees it my way, yeah.

All right! Well, let's
celebrate, huh?

This calls for a
round on the house.

No, no, no, I haven't gotten
the car quite yet, Norm.

You're severely off
your game, my friend.

Game? You call this a game?

Sammy, I don't know why
you're going to all this trouble.

She told you that she keeps
the car in a garage, right?

You say the words, my kids
are over there in 20 minutes.

In 25, your car is
speeding down the highway.

Worse comes to worse,

they put them away
for a couple of years.

I mean, it's not like

I'm rattling around
in an empty house.

You're very sweet.

I appreciate that,
but, you know,

I've put a lot of energy
and time into this plan.

I think I'm gonna stick with it.

Where is Aunt Carla?

There's Aunt Carla.

Isn't he the cutest
thing you've ever seen?

Yeah. He's gonna
make a nice football.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna save a life.

I'm gonna drive Snuffles
way out in the country

and give him his freedom.

He'll be free!

Free, I tell you!

And he'll always remember

the person who gave him
his freedom... Rebecca Howe.

This is the best
thing I've ever done.

I don't mind saying, that
is one screwed up broad.

Hey, Susan.

Hi, Sam.

Can I get you something?

Juice and cookies?

Uh, it was arts
and crafts today.

Make it bourbon and water.

Sam?

Yeah.

I've got to tell you, this
past week has been great.

You've really pulled
me out of my shell.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Guess what. What?

I brought the Corvette.

Oh!

Oh, my old car, right.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

Yeah. Uh,

it's blue, right?

No, red.

Red, red, right.

Right, right.

Flame red, actually, but...

It felt kind of
weird driving it.

Oh!

Well, yeah, of course
it did, of course.

Why didn't I think of that?

Yeah, it reminds
you of Kirby. Yeah.

You know, it's none
of my business,

but I'm gonna say this anyway.

I think you should sell it.

I'm having a thought here.

Maybe...

Maybe...

No, that's crazy, that's crazy.

Well, what? What?

Well, I-I was just
gonna say that,

you know, if-if you're gonna
sell it, and, like we said,

we think you should,

then, um,

why don't you sell it to me?

Oh, Sam.

No, you don't have
to do that for me.

No! No, I insist, I insist.

See, my-my only
problem is that I don't think

I can afford the
fair market value.

You know, maybe only like

ten grand over
the next two years?

You know what?

Let's do it.

I-I-I never drive it,

and-and you love
it, so it's yours.

Great. I think this
is a great idea.

I tell you what... let me,
uh, let me go get a check,

and, uh, we'll go out to
dinner and we'll celebrate.

Oh, what are you
guys celebrating?

I just sold Sam my car.

Oh, that's great.

That's all he's
been talking about.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Well, he's had
his eye on that car

since the day you
walked in the door.

Okay, here we go.

Here's the check.
Uh, do me a favor,

do not cash this right away.

You know, Sam,

if you wanted my car so badly,

all you had to do was ask.

I mean, you didn't have to, uh,

waste a week
pretending to be my friend.

Here... take it.

How about that.

I got my car back.

Didn't cost me a penny!

Sammy! Sammy!

Come on, come on. Sammy!

Come on, you'll have fun.

Sammy! Sammy!

Woody, we're running
low on pretzels.

I know, Miss Howe.

I set them all free
to live in the wild.

Woody, I let your
pig go three days ago

and I've apologized every day.

Let's just drop it.

There is a quarter
of an inch scratch

on the right fender.

You can't miss it.

No!

It disfigures the entire car!

Listen, I want you to send
your tow truck over right now.

Are you laughing at me?

Are you laughing at me?

You know, fine, I'll
tell you something.

I'm gonna take my
business some place else.

Sam, may I have a beer please?

And let me guess... You
dinged the Corvette again.

Yeah.

Boy, I don't know, it's weird.

It's the fourth scratch
I've had in a week.

I don't know what's going on.

Maybe I need to check
my eyes or something.

Yes. Your eyes.

Oh, what's that
supposed to mean, huh?

Sam, this is not
a personal att*ck.

I am trying to help you.

Look, the way you got
that car back was shameful.

It went against
your better instincts.

Now, deep down,

you don't think you
deserve to have that car,

and I submit that subconsciously


you are trying to destroy it!

Hey, you know, take your
business someplace else!

Go on! Get out of here!

Sammy!

Sammy, settle down now!

Frasier could very
well have a point there!

You know something?!

Or maybe not, okay?

The guy's a quack.

Sammy.

Sammy!

You scammed a poor,
innocent widow out of her car.

Now, on many levels,
I can respect that.

But somehow, this
one crossed the line.

I know, you're right.

Yeah, and another thing.

Remember what I told you
about hitting the customers?

Yeah, I know. I-I forgot.

That's-That's your turf.

It's-It's just that
I have so little.

I know.

I'm sorry, you...
I'm sorry, Frasier.

I'm-I'm under a lot
of pressure here.

I mean, I should be having
fun with that car, and I'm not.

It's driving me crazy.

Do you really think
there's something to that,

you know, subconscious
guilt and shame stuff?

It depends.

Yeah? On what?

Are you going to hit me again?

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, man.

No, of course not.

I... I know you're right.

I've been feeling
like a real heel

ever since she gave me the keys.

I mean, she's so
sweet and so innocent,

you know, and I was
just making her believe

I was her friend so
I could snag the car.

Sam, you must find Susan
and beg her forgiveness.

It's your only hope.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, thank you. You're right.

I-I'm out of here.

You know, Sammy, another
way you could go is just

to get rid of the
object of your guilt.

Cliff, you can't have the car.

Okeydokey.

Cheers. Hello.

Hello?

Cheers.

Turn the phone around.

Right side up.

Right side up!

Yeah. That's much better.

Ah.

Woody, it's your dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hello?

I can't hear...

Dad!

You're kidding.

Oh, my God.

That's unbelievable.

Wow! Well, that's...

I'm relieved.

Well, say hi to Mom, okay?

All right.

Bye.

Miss Howe, you aren't
gonna believe this.

Guess who showed up in
my folk" back door last night?

Who?

Snuffles.

Yeah, I guess he found his way

onto the back of a truck
that was headed that way.

I-I told you he was smart.

I can't believe this.

You see, he traveled all
that distance to get home

where he was safe and sound.

This is a Christmas miracle.

I'll say.

Mom said he was delicious.

Now remember, tomorrow
we're going to visit the zoo,

so everybody bring
your permission slips.

What's a zoo again?

Uh, it's a place where
they have a lot of animals.

Even tigers?

Yes, they have
tigers at the zoo.

What if the tigers eat us?

That's why you need
your permission slips.

Uh, quiet time,
everybody... Hit the mats!

Come on.

Shh!

I am teaching
class. Yeah, I know.

This'll only take
a second, please.

Why are you here?

I tried to call you at home,

but you-you didn't
answer the phone.

I-I've got to get
something off my chest.

What? I mean, you
got your precious car.

What else do you want from me?

Susan, please, let me just
try to explain something to you.

That-That car...

used to be my entire life,

you know, and when
you... when you got it,

I-I just went
crazy for a second.

I'm sorry.

I really hurt you and I'm sorry,

and I-and I want to
make it up to you. Here...

And I want to give you

the fair market
value of the car.

This check is just
the down payment.

Please, I-I'm sorry.

Well, you did hurt me.

But I guess I understand.

I mean, the car
was your whole life.

Oh, thanks.

So you forgive me?

No, I don't forgive you.

I'm sorry, what...

You heard me...

I don't forgive you.

I mean, my whole life

I-I've let people
walk all over me.

And-And the minute

that they start to
feel a little bit guilty,

I-I let them off the hook.

Well, no more.

For the first time in my life,

I'm not going to
forgive somebody.

Yeah!

It feels good not forgiving.

Yeah, well, not
to me it doesn't.

I mean, listen,

why-why don't you forgive me
and not forgive some other guy.

You know, an every other thing.

Sam, if you feel
guilty, I'm glad.

You deserve it.

Now excuse me. I
have a class to teach.

Oh, no, listen, I'm not leaving

until you forgive me.

Sorry.

I'm serious.

Listen, this is very
important to me, Susan...

Oh, my God.

What did you do to those kids?

It's quiet time.

Now go.

No, hey, I...

I'm sitting right here
until you forgive me.

All right, then you're just
gonna have to be a part of class.

Whatever. All right.

All right, quiet time is over.

Everybody up.

Back to your chairs.

Boys and girls,

I would like you all
to meet someone.

This is Sam.

Hi, Sam!

Yeah, hi, boys and girls.

Listen, I'm gonna
be sitting right here

until your teacher forgives me.

So you just carry on.

Go ahead.

Class, do you remember

when we were talking
about telling the truth?

Yes.

Well, Sam here told a fib.

Boo!

And what

kind of people tell fibs?

Bad people!

Oh, wait. Hold on a second.

So, I did a bad thing.

Please, just can't
you forgive me?

And where do fibbers go?

In the doghouse!

I'm sorry.

In the what?

In the doghouse!

Oh, come on, Susan,
not the doghouse.

This is...

Oh, come on, this is stupid.

I've already given
you the check.

What more do you want?

Can fibbers buy their
way out of the doghouse?

No!

So, why don't you just sit there

and think about
what you've done?

The rest of us will get
out our art supplies.

Yay!

This doghouse is stupid.

And it's made out of cardboard.

I-I could get out of
here anytime I want.

I could.

Good-bye. Don't forget
your permission slips.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Sam, I've got to say,
you're quite a sport.

You made it through the
morning and the afternoon classes.

Yeah. Well, I'll
tell you the truth.

I was going to leave
a couple hours ago

but my... my legs
kind of froze up.

Oh, boy!

Listen, uh...

I, uh... I've been
mulling it over,

especially during
the, uh... quiet time,

and I... I think that...

I think you should
take the car back.

What?

Yeah. Come on.

I-I'm never going to enjoy it.

I... I think you
should drive it.

And please, once
again, I'm sorry.

I acted like a real jerk.

I forgive you.

You what?

I said I forgive you.

I just won't forgive
the next guy.

Hey, thank you. That
means a lot to me.

Say, uh... this may not be

the right time or anything,

but you want to go out
and grab something to eat?

You serious?

Yes. Yes. I-I...

You know, I owe you one.

You know, we spent a lot
of time together last week.

I kind of miss it.

All right.

Why don't we take your car?

My car?

Are you serious?

Yeah. But if you
miss one payment...

Yeah. I know, I
know. In the doghouse.

You'll wish.

You know, for a minute there,
when you were asking me out,

I thought maybe you were
trying to get to Kirby's boat.

Oh, come on.

Kirby had a boat?
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