I didn't get a wink
of sleep last night.
Ooh... ANNOUNCER:
Next time on Cheers...
I got a real problem
with insects in my place.
Kinky.
Sammy's apartment
is invaded by bedbugs
so he's bunking elsewhere.
The stewardess has offered
to bump me up to first class.
No! But when that
plan bombs out...
he's off first to Carla's... Oh.
Then to Normie's...
and finally to
Cliffie's for some rest.
You didn't expect
to sleep with me?
Sleep tight, Sammy.
Next time on Cheers.
Good night. Good night, Sam.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Ho-ho! What's the rush, man?
I almost forgot.
It's 6:00, and today's my
15th wedding anniversary.
Ah, you're going out
and buy Vera a present
before the stores close?
Happy anniversary, honey.
Sorry, Sammy, you were saying?
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Okay, fellas,
let's call it a night.
Boy, that's the
longest day of my life.
Yeah? Why so tired, Sammy?
Oh, I didn't get a
wink of sleep last night.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, no, no, give
me a break, will you?
Not everything I do in
my life has to do with sex.
Sure it does, Sammy.
Come on, give us the details.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, well, I had silverfish
all over my
apartment last night.
Ewww!
Silverfish!
Spent the whole night rolling up
newspapers and swatting them.
Oh, kinky.
It got so bad
there for a while, I...
I started rubbing
ammonia on the baseboard.
Sammy, don't know
what that means,
but does she have a sister?
Hey, guys, I...
I'm serious, man.
I've got some... I've
got a real problem
with insects in my place.
As a matter of
fact, uh, they're, uh,
tenting the whole
building, you know,
and fumigating it
for, like, 24 hours.
Ouch! Where are you gonna sleep?
I happen to be
spending the night
with a very close
friend of mine.
Close friend! Hey!
Sam, you don't have to spend
the night with one of your bimbos.
You can come over to my house.
I have a foldout couch.
As nice as that
offer sounds, uh,
the alternative is
to spend the night
with a stewardess who's offered
to bump me up to first class.
Ooh...
Oh, yeah, hey, I
had a stew once.
Yeah, used to go out with her.
Boy, was she wild in the sack.
What airline?
Shut up.
Well, Sam, if you
change your mind,
you do have a place to stay.
Yeah, well, you know,
with all due respect,
we're not talking
about your love life.
We're talking
about my love life.
It will work out for Sammy.
If your ego needs a place
to stay, give me a call.
Of course it'll work out.
It's a stew, isn't it?
Boy, don't I know.
How do you know?
Shut up!
Hey, Wood, come on,
I'll walk you to your car.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, Woody.
Oh, hey, uh, listen, Sam.
You know, don't worry about that
bug k*ller stuff.
They say to stay
out for 24 hours,
but that's just overcautious.
They sprayed my building once.
I went right back in.
Come on.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, by the way, Sam, uh, listen,
uh, I was meaning to tell you.
Don't worry about
that bug k*ller stuff.
They tell you to
stay out for 24 hours.
That's just overcautious.
They sprayed my building once.
I went right back in.
You ready, Carla?
Okay, guys, come on, let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
All right, good night.
Hey, good luck with
that stewardess, huh?
Swat a few silverfish for me.
Cliffie, you just
don't get it, do you?
No.
Ooh, yes!
Hold on.
There we are.
Hi, Sam.
Look at you... you
wore your uniform.
Hey, what do you say
we, uh, lock ourselves
in the bathroom there
and relive our first meeting?
Oh... I'd love to, Sam,
but I just stopped
by to tell you,
I gotta be on a
plane in 45 minutes.
No!
Aw... well, heck.
Well, 45 minutes...
that gives us
plenty of time to relive it.
What say, huh?
No, no, no, I've got to go.
The airport's a zoo.
50,000 Shriners are
coming in for a convention.
Why... why don't they stay
in their own country, huh?
Oh... Oh, yeah, sorry.
You've just gotta...
There you go.
Good night. Thanks.
See you when I get back.
Yeah, you bet, you bet.
sh**t, sh**t.
Well...
Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait... oh!
Say, Julie?
Julie?
Hey, honey, listen, I
need a place to stay.
Julie!
Oh, no.
Believe me, honey, you
were wise to stay home.
This town is nothing
compared to Cincinnati.
Yeah, I just, uh, stayed in
my hotel room, watched CNN.
I don't watch movies like that.
You know that.
Hey, excuse me, I
gotta use the phone.
I locked myself out of my bar,
and I gotta call my
waitress to get the keys,
so could you hurry up, please?
Hey, uh, look, I gotta run.
Honey, you know I
wanted to bring you,
but none of the guys
brought their wives.
Don't start. Don't start.
You're starting
again. Don't start.
Once she gets started...
Yes. Yes, dear.
Carla! Carla!
Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.
You know, I didn't know
you were going to be here.
And now you do.
Uh... Wait a minute. Come
back! Hey, let me in, will you?
I locked myself out of the bar.
I need to borrow Carla's keys.
Fine.
Carla!
Sam's here.
Hey, you know what?
I could borrow your
keys to Melville's.
Yes, you could. Carla!
Hey. Hey.
What's up, Sammy?
Oh, well, I, uh... My
date didn't turn out,
and I locked myself
out of the bar,
and so I need to
borrow your keys.
You have my set.
No, I don't. Yeah. Remember?
Woody lost his, so
you gave him yours,
and then you took mine,
and then he lost yours again.
Oh, I do hope you haven't
sold the movie rights
to this fascinating story.
Hey, why don't you
go over to Rebecca's?
I mean, she offered, right?
No, no, no, no. I
said some stuff.
I don't want her to
throw it back in my face.
Well, I guess you could
stay here for the night.
Yeah! Yeah!
All right, thanks. Yeah.
Look, Sammy... What?
No matter what you hear,
no matter how much I
scream or call for help,
do not open the
bedroom door... got it?
Ditto for me, too, Sam.
Oh, no, no, no, uh, listen...
Maybe, uh... I-I tell you what.
I know a guy who's
got a hotel near...
Fabulous idea!
Good night, Sam.
No. We have no rooms.
Every hotel is full.
There's a Shriners'
convention in town.
Stop bothering me!
If I have to deal with
one more idiot tonight,
I'm going to strangle him.
How may I help you, sir?
Hi. Steve working tonight?
Steve? No.
Steve hasn't worked
here for the last six months.
He was unreliable.
Is there anything I
can help you with?
Yeah. Uh...
This is, uh... this is
pretty funny, Mario.
You're going to get
a big kick out of this.
Uh... See, I... I left
my, uh... left my wallet
in my place of
business and I, uh...
I don't have a credit
card or money or,
for that matter, any
identification at all.
Yuh-huh.
That's funny stuff, sir.
The point is, uh... I'm
gonna need a room,
and I... I can't
pay for it tonight.
Oh, I see... you want
one of our free rooms.
No, no, it doesn't
have to be free.
I can, you know, I can
pay for it in the morning.
Well, whatever's
convenient for you.
Now, would you like
a suite or a room?
A suite would be great.
All right. Color TV? Sauna?
Well, sure.
Is that going to be a
queen or a king-sized bed?
Uh... king. Yeah, please.
And, Mario, nonsmoking,
if you don't mind.
But of course.
And would you like me to carry
you to your room piggyback?
Oh, I see.
You're, uh... you're being
sarcastic, aren't you?
If you had spent the day
fending off joy buzzers
and squirting carnations,
you'd be a mite cranky yourself.
So you're, uh... you're not
going to give me a room, huh?
I don't have a room to give.
Nobody in Boston has a room.
The entire town is
infested with Shriners!
Now, if you're desperate
for a place to sleep,
might I suggest you
become a Shriner?
I'm not entirely sure
how one goes about that,
but it appears to
have something to do
with driving a tiny car
through the lobby of my hotel.
Can I use your phone, please?
Oh, but of course.
Would you like
to call Australia?
Perhaps one of our new picture
phones will suit your needs.
Never mind. Never mind.
Enjoyed your stay?
Why not tell a friend?
No problem, Sam.
Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, bless your heart, man.
I think I'll just stretch
out on the couch here.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna
sleep on the couch tonight.
You're sleeping on
the couch? Yeah.
Yeah. Sometimes, when I
come home late from Cheers,
I don't like to wake Vera up,
so I just crash out
on the couch here.
But you're always
late at Cheers.
Yeah. How about that?
Oh, please?
Oh, now, now, now, now...
Please. Okay. All right.
Aw, bless you. If
you're that desperate,
I'll show you what
a good friend I am.
Go ahead and sleep on the couch.
I'll go sleep with my wife.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, here I go.
You're going to let
me do this, aren't you?
I'm so tired.
All right. You owe
me big time, Malone.
Norm? Norm, is that you?
Yes, dear.
You've come home to me.
Come here, lover boy.
Okay, Sam, there're some
extra towels by the sink
in the guest bathroom.
Oh, God!
If there's anything
else you need,
just let me know.
Don't worry about
disturbing Lilith.
She's, uh, sleeping
in the cellar.
In the cellar?
Yes... you can take the girl
out of the Ecopod, you know...
Ah, thank you.
You bet. Uh, listen, that's it.
I'll just bid you a
fond bonne nuit.
Say, uh, wha...
Is that, uh, is that Frederick?
Yes, that's Frederick.
Having a bit of
a tantrum tonight.
Trying to manipulate
me, you see.
It's a common tactic
of a four-year-old,
and as any good parent knows,
the secret is to just ignore it.
He's just gonna have
to cry himself out,
the little weasel.
He's got, uh, good
lungs, though, huh?
Well, night-night.
Oh, God!
Hey...
Hey, Freddie!
Can you hear me, Freddie?
I-It's Sam Malone! Uncle Sammy!
Say, uh, Freddie,
you're kind of a big boy to be
throwing a tantrum, aren't you?
Do you think you could hold off
until tomorrow morning?
Thank you.
Oh! Oh, thank you, God.
Oh...
I'm so tired.
I'm desperate.
God forgive me for this.
Sam!
Clifford, look, it's one
of your little friends!
I'm so sorry to come
so late like this, Cliff.
It's just that I'm so
very, very exhausted.
Oh, thank you!
You know, with the
key and everything?
No apologies needed, young man.
You poor thing.
So cold and no muffler!
You could have
caught your death.
Oh!
Yeah, you're always
welcome here, Sammy.
You should know that, buddy.
Oh, Cliffie, man,
you're the best.
And you, too, Mrs. Clavin.
Oh, what a dear.
Now, I'll bet you're
anxious to get some sleep.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Good.
Well, that's a pretty comfy
bed there, isn't it, Sammy, huh?
Am I sharing the
same bed with Cliff?
Well, of course, silly.
You didn't expect
to sleep with me!
No, no, this is...
this'll be all right.
This is fine.
All right, then, nighty-night.
Good night, Ma.
Cliff, this is probably
one of those things
that we should just keep
between the two of us, right?
Gotcha, Sam.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Clifford, wake your
friend for prayers.
Oh! Sam, Sam, wake up.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Dear Lord, bless
Clifford and me,
unworthy wretches that we are.
Bless the postal system
and keep it from harm,
by helping it to
detect the real loonies.
Bless our friends, and thank you
for letting Sam find
succor here tonight.
Bless the late Mr. Clavin.
I know he's not
in your vicinity,
but rather roasting
in hell, on a spit...
On a spit reserved for those
who desert their families.
Amen. Amen.
Sam? Hmm?
Is there anyone special
you would like the
Lord to remember?
No, not particularly.
Well, don't be surprised if
he doesn't remember you.
Oh, please, please.
Can't we just go to sleep?
I'm so very tired. Please!
Great, Ma, you
made my friend mad.
Any wonder I don't
have anybody over?
Any wonder I don't
have any friends?
Oh, you don't have
friends because of me?
Me... who spent 36 hours
of the most painful labor
the hospital had ever seen?
There she goes.
If you think you're
better off without me,
you're welcome
to live by yourself.
Just see how long you can last.
Fine!
A day... I give it a day.
And that's during
daylight hours.
Night falls and it's,
"Where's my mommy?"
Oh!
Oh, is that right?
Well, let me tell you, missy,
that it takes two
to be codependent!
You're the enabler!
You're the enabler!
Oh! I'm the enabler
am I tonight, huh?
Like last night and
the night before?!
Well, you know
why I'm the enabler?!
Because you demand it!
Everything I do is wrong!
Is that it, Clifford?!
Oh, Ma, I'm sorry.
Oh, now, don't be upset.
I just, I just push too hard.
No, I'm too domineering.
Oh, Ma, Ma, it's me.
I, you know, Ma, it's me.
Sam...
Hmm?
Sam, which one of us is worse?
Can't we please go to sleep?
I suppose that is a good idea.
Good night, sweet precious.
Goodnight, Ma.
Don't forget the bathroom
and turn off the light.
All right.
Oh, my God! Cliff,
what a nasty scene!
What was?
Nothing. Nothing.
Good night.
Good night, Sam.
Sammy?
Sammy?!
Yes, Cliff?
You awake?
Yes, Cliff.
Hey...
Sam...
you know what's fun?
What's fun, Cliff?
Well, when you take the
letters of somebody's name
and make another word out of it.
You know, like if it were
my name... Clifford Clavin.
Well, first word that
comes to mind, I'd say: Ford.
Well, there's also cliff.
You know, like the geo...
geographical structure.
There's almost clavicle.
Livid.
Cliffie, please.
Oh, can't think of any?
I'm trying to sleep here, Cliff.
Sure thing, Sam. Good night.
How 'bout florid?
Cliff, damn it, man! I'm tired!
I'm really, really tired!
I'm trying to sleep here!
Can't you just stop
talking for once?!
Please, stop talking?!
I'm sorry, Sammy.
I was just, it's a
problem I have... I, uh...
You know, I try to
stop talking and...
and I just keep on talking.
You know, it's kind
of like those people
who live near Niagara Falls,
and after a while they
just don't hear it anymore.
I mean I read an article
about this couple...
they've lived near the Falls
for about 40 years or so,
and they moved away
and the, uh... silence was,
you know, just deafening.
They had to move back.
Couldn't stand it.
Why are some people like that
and... and just other
people aren't, Sammy?
You ever think about that?
Sam?
Sammy?
Sam?!
He's gone, isn't he, Clifford?
It's all your fault, old woman!
Rebecca?
Rebecca?
What? Sam, what
are you doing here?
I thought you had a date.
Well, yeah, I did.
But, uh, things didn't work
out the way I expected,
so I thought I'd, you know,
swing by here and take
you up on your offer.
Oh, old boring me?
Oh, I don't know how
good that'd be, Sam.
I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't
want to slow you down,
in your great,
swinging love life.
Please, you have no idea
what I've been through.
Yes, I do. Carla called.
Ah... And then Norm.
I've been sitting here for
three hours eating popcorn,
watching movies, waiting
for you to come by here.
Can I stay here?
Can I go to sleep, please?
Yes.
Oh! Thank you!
Come on. Get up.
Don't get crazy about this...
Oh, no. Oh, God.
No, no!
No more "Oh,
no's!" No, not tonight.
Please. What's wrong?
It's locked.
Well, so, call the super!
Well, I am the super.
How 'bout, uh, anvil?
Anvil is a... that's a good one.
Oh, no. We did that an hour ago.