One drink, you won't
recognize your best friend.
Next time on Cheers...
Carla mixes up a special
brew for a night to remember.
Norm!
Hey, there, Frasier.
Your friend Frasier is dead.
Although some of the g*ng
would just as soon forget.
Do you want to tell me what's
tattooed forever on my butt?
It's a big American flag.
I think I went home with a guy.
Hey, sexy.
That's next time on Cheers.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Well, here are the
proud parents-to-be.
Yes, and we've been shopping.
Yeah, look what we
found. Pretty neat, huh?
Oh that's perfect.
It'll do wonders for his motor
skills and his mental acuity.
Oh, yeah. Check this out,
we got one for the baby, too.
Our next city councilman,
ladies and gentlemen!
Boy, it's gonna be tough finding
a replacement for you, Woody.
Well, why would you
want to replace me, Sam?
Well, you can't tend bar here
and be a councilman
at the same time.
That's a full-time job.
It is, Sam? Yeah.
And working here at
Cheers is a full-time job, too.
It is, Sam?
Yes.
Well, can't I tend bar
at least sometimes?
I mean, what all does a city
councilman have to do anyway?
Well, Woody, our present
councilman, Kevin Fogerty,
rises at the cr*ck of
dawn, 6:30 to be exact.
Then he showers,
shaves, goes downstairs
for a leisurely breakfast
with his wife Estelle.
Then he takes his
son Joseph, eight,
and Hillary, 11, to the
Fenwick Elementary School.
At least that was his routine
before, the court order
deprived me of my right to know.
Big Brother, my
friends, Big Brother!
Years from now,
they're gonna ask me
why I didn't see the signs.
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
I guess I'd better
call the newspaper
and put an ad in there looking
for an assistant bartender, huh?
All right, all right, Sammy.
Let me fill out an application.
Sammy... What?
What about me? I'd
be a great bartender.
Oh, come on, are you kidding me?
With those powerhouse
drinks you make?
Aw, come on!
Sweetheart, the last
time I let you tend bar
there were 12 people who
made a naked conga line
all the way out to
the commons there.
And Phil over there tried
to join the Flying Wallendas.
I tell you, I sobered up
real fast on that high wire.
Phew.
All right, so I made the
drinks a little strong that night.
It's not gonna happen again.
Come on, Sammy, I
could really use the money.
You won't be sorry.
Yeah, all right, go ahead,
I'll give you a sh*t. Yes!
Now hold it a second!
I'm the one who's supposed to
make the decisions around here.
I am the manager.
Now, to whom
should I give this
job of bartender?
How would you like me to
rip out your still-b*ating heart
and show it to you
before you hit the ground?
I've got it! How about Carla?
You know something, with
Carla being our new bartender,
we're gonna need a waitress.
Why don't you get on the
phone and call the agency
and hire one?
Think you can manage that?
Yes, I think I can manage that!
But could you dial? I
just had my nails done.
And could you talk?
I get uncomfortable
talking to strangers.
Well, Carla, congratulations
on your new job.
Here's to Carla,
our new bartender!
Hear, hear, hear.
Yeah, Carla, why don't
you fire up a pitcher
of those lethal
cocktails that you make?
Just don't tell Sammy, okay?
I'm gonna make you
one pitcher of a little drink
my grandfather taught me.
It's called, "I Know
My Redeemer Liveth."
Is it strong?
"Is it strong?"
One drink and you won't
recognize your best friend.
Make mine a double.
Sam, this place is just a mess.
Yeah, I know.
Carla made one of her
specialty drinks last night.
Things got out of hand.
Morning everybody.
Norm!
How are you feeling, Norm?
Terrible.
A splitting headache.
And I think I might be sick.
Can I have a beer, Sammy?
Hey there, Frasier.
I'm sorry, Sam.
Your friend Frasier is dead.
What you are looking
at is his undead corpse.
Here you go, pal.
All right, let's review.
Last night I got,
knee-walking drunk,
and now I am...
back in this bar,
a mere seven-and-a-half
hours later, hung over.
Well, it's official.
I have a problem.
Cheers.
Hey, is that you, Cliffie?
Cliff?
He, uh, just woke up.
He doesn't know where he is.
Cliffie, calm down, man.
Just, just, just look around
and describe what you see.
Cliff, you're in
the office, pal.
My pleasure.
Uh, coffee, please there, Sammy.
I told you to watch
out for her drinks.
How many did you have?
Oh, I don't even remember, Sam.
Don't remember much of anything
after the wooden lady laughed
at me and called me a half man.
Well, look at you guys.
I wonder how Woody's doing.
He was really
knocking 'em back, huh?
Oh, nobody could drink that much
and end up feeling human, Sam.
Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late. I was
doing my Nordic Track.
Woody, you had as much of
that vile brew as the rest of us.
How can you be so
chipper this morning?
Oh, it's because of the
old Hanover hangover cure.
It's very simple.
First, put on your pajamas.
Then, take an aspirin
with a glass of cold water.
And then, you vomit
till your nose bleeds
and heave until
you see the angels.
Wake up in the morning,
you feel brand-new.
Boy, I am hungry.
Anybody for some chili dogs?
Okay, okay, but only two.
Sammy, office. Quick!
What was that?
That was either Carla
or the grim reaper.
Dear Lord, let it be the reaper.
Come on, talk to me, will you?
Oh, I, I can't even say it.
It's just the worst thing that's
ever happened to me in my life.
You're scaring me, sweetheart.
Tell me what's going on.
Okay.
Last night, you know, I, I had
a few of those drinks I made
and I got loaded.
I warned you
about that, didn't I?!
I know. I know.
But, anyways, I kind
of lost track of myself
and, I think I went
home with a guy.
Yeah?
It was a Cheers guy.
Oh, Sammy, Sammy, please!
Please, tell me it was you!
I'm sorry, sweetheart,
it wasn't me.
Oh, God!
Oh, God, the options
that leaves are so horrible!
All right, all right, all
right... wait a minute.
Now what, what do you remember?
Well, I don't remember much.
Just... slow dancing
to Nat King Cole
and doing it till
the sheets b*rned.
And what else?
Gotta think. Gotta think.
Who was there?
All right let's see,
there was Frasier.
Frasier, I could live with that.
Who else?
Norm?
Oh, it couldn't have been him.
Even drunk, I think
I'd remember that.
Woody?
Nah. No.
Well, I guess
there's nobody else.
Well, what about Cli...
There's nobody else, Sam!
Come on, sweetheart.
It's gonna eat you up inside.
Why don't you go talk to
each guy alone, very subtly,
and just ask them what they
remember about last night?
Chances are, whoever it was,
he'll be just as embarrassed
by the whole situation as you are.
You really think so?
Yes, absolutely.
That's worth a try.
Yeah.
Hey, Sammy. Mm-hmm?
You don't think any
less of me, do you?
Well, let's see who it is first.
Hey, Fras.
Pretty wild last night, huh?
If you can call
Lilith rescuing me
from accidental drowning
in my toilet pretty wild,
well then, yes,
life is a cabaret.
Hey, Norm. Yeah.
Do you believe all that stuff
that happened last night?
I don't remember a single
thing that happened last night.
I do have a bad feeling, though.
Vera made me
breakfast in bed this morning,
and kept calling me
"Mister Two Times."
Maybe it's best I
don't remember.
Wood.
Remember anything about
what happened last night?
Well, whatever
it was I missed it.
Spent most of last night
listening to Phil tell stories
about how he worked
on the Manhattan Project.
Try sleeping with
that for 50 years.
Well, that's everybody.
Yeah, what about...?
That's everybody, Sam!
Come on, get out there.
You've got to ask him.
You'll go crazy
if you don't know.
Hey, uh, Cliff...
so, how was your
evening last night?
You ought to know, Carla.
It was F-U-N, fun.
How-how was it
F-U-N, fun, Cliff?
Well, Carla, I spent most
of the night in the backseat
of a cab with yon Norm Peterson.
Now if that isn't a recipe
for fun I don't know what is.
You bet.
I don't get it. I
just don't get it!
That's everybody, right?
Geez, I...
Unless, unless I met someone.
That's it.
Mr. Right walked into the
bar, swept me off my feet,
and we made mad,
passionate love all night long.
He's probably coming
back for me tonight.
You could be right.
I'll bet that's what it is.
It's gotta be, because everybody
here checks out, thank God.
I know I didn't miss anybody.
Hey, sexy.
♪ Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa,
men have named you... ♪
Well, guys, guess who
scaled Mount Paulie last night.
Uh, Paul, Paul,
can I talk to you in the
office for a second, pal?
Oh, sure, Sammy, I get it.
Uh, afraid of the new
gunslinger in town, huh?
Yeah, that's,
that's right, Paul.
What's the idea, Sammy?
I've got major
dish for the guys.
Yeah, I know.
Paul, listen, I-I, heard
about what happened
between you and...
You and Carla last night.
She's already been
bragging about it, huh?
No. Not exactly, Paul.
You know, it was wild, Sammy.
All that screaming
and scratching.
You should see the nail marks...
That are all up
and down her back.
Oh, my. Yeah, uh, listen...
I know what you want to do is
run out there and tell the guys,
but I've got to
remind you here, Paul,
a gentleman does
not kiss and tell.
It's just not cool.
But you do it, Sam.
True. True.
But I'm Sam Malone,
and by definition,
everything I do is cool.
You've got a point there, but
Sammy the whole thing is...
Yeah, no-no, Paul,
you don't understand.
Please, I've got to ask
you... Keep this to yourself.
Sam, you just don't get it.
This kind of thing has never
happened to me before.
And now, with the one
time it does happen,
I can't even crow
about it just a little?
Yeah, I know.
I know how you feel.
All right, I tell you what.
Why don't you
crow in here with me
and get it out of your system.
Well, okay.
It won't be quite
the same, but...
Yes!
High five, Sammy!
The Paul Monster!
Give me a P! Give me an A!
Give me a U! Give
me an L! P-A-U-L!
Paul! Paul! Paul!
Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!
Ah.
You through?
Think so, yeah.
Okay, we got a deal?
You're not gonna tell the guys?
I won't tell 'em.
But listen, I, I don't know
how you're gonna
keep Carla from talking.
Well, I'll have this
little conversation
with her, too, okay?
Better be good.
Hey, listen, while you're at it,
could you just tell
her gently that, uh...
this was just a one-night thing.
Paulie don't need
no clinging vines.
I'll, I'll let her
down gently, Paul.
Hey, uh, Paul.
Paul, what was that
you were talking about,
getting lucky last night, huh?
Uh, no, I guess I
was making that up.
Oh, poor guy. Yeah.
Sometimes I feel sorry
for old Paulie. Yeah.
Hey, maybe we should have
invited him to come along
with us last night.
Boy, did we have
ourselves some fun or what.
What all did we do, anyway?
Oh, the best way to reconstruct
a night like that, Normie,
is to, uh, go
through our pockets.
Oh, yeah, here we go.
All right, uh, here's a
receipt for the pizza place.
I sort of remember that one.
Yeah, $24.95, the
bowling alley. Uh-huh.
200 bucks for the tattoo parlor.
And, uh, 12 bucks for the cab
and the doughnut shop.
Say, Cliff...
what, uh, what was that one
between the bowling
alley and the taxicab?
Uh, Fred's Tattoo Parlor.
Yeah, funny that
should be in there, huh?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what's
on your butt
if you tell me what's on mine.
Let's get it over with.
Those guys spend way
too much time together.
Okay, Cliff...
do you want to tell me what's
tattooed forever on my butt?
It's uh, a big American
flag there, Norm,
with the motto "God
Bless the U.S. Post Office."
What, uh, what's on mine?
A big heart with the
words, "I love Vera."
Guess they mixed them up, huh?
I assume so.
Beautiful workmanship.
Yeah, you want me to
come over and show Vera?
Thanks, but no.
In that case, would you mind
coming down to the post
office and show my supervisor?
No, no, I don't think so, Cliff.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
It's not that big a deal.
So you slept with Paul.
I mean, you, you,
you've gone to bed
with a lot of guys before.
Not really, Sam.
I mean, I talk a lot, you know,
but when it comes right down
to it, I'm more talk than action.
But even when I did fool around,
I, I always knew their names.
I was always in
control, you know.
Last night was the first
time I ever lost control.
I stepped over the line.
I am now officially a slut.
Oh, come on, don't say that.
I told you, I-I
talked with Paul.
No one's ever gonna know.
Yeah, but I know, Sam.
This is a secret that I'm
gonna have to live with
for the rest of my life!
Well, come on, sweetheart.
I mean, we all have
to live with secrets.
Yeah, but not this bad.
What, uh, what if I told you
that I have a secret
a lot worse than this.
Sammy.
How could you have
a problem worse?
You're perfect.
You don't even know what
the rest of the world is like.
Honey, I, I'm not perfect.
Oh, yeah, right.
All right, you really
want to know?
Watch this.
Holy Mother of God!
Oh, Sammy!
You wear a rug!
It's not a rug! It's not a rug!
It's a hair replacement system.
Oh, Sammy!
Look at you, you're bald!
All this time, the great
Sam Malone's hair
is nothing but a fraud!
Hey, at least I didn't
sleep with Paul!
Paul, Schmall... that's nothing!
Yeah, nothing.
It was a pretty big
deal a minute ago.
Yeah, well, that was before
I found out you wear a piece.
Hair replacement system!
Hair replacement system!
You know, if you're not going
to use the proper terminology,
I think I'd just like to
be by myself right now.
Sammy, I-I'm sorry.
It's just that you
caught me by surprise.
Yeah, well, imagine
how it caught me
when, on the morning
of August 12, 1989,
I looked in the sink and...
I'm sorry, I thought
I could talk about it.
Sam, Sam.
Sammy, it's, it's okay.
So you're blowing your feathers.
It's not the end of the world.
Sure.
You know, there's a lot more
to Sam Malone than
just your great hair.
Really?
Of course.
You're a great guy.
Handsome, sweet...
Oh, don't say "sweet."
What's the matter with sweet?
It's another way of saying bald.
Sam, Sam, I-I mean it.
You are a terrific, sweet guy.
I mean, anybody who
would do what you just did
to make someone feel better
is the best friend in the world.
You don't think any less of me?
Think any less of me?
Oh...