Cliffie's had it.
Fighting with Ma, huh?
He's got some trouble
on the home front.
Come on, Ma, we both
got to be strong about this.
And when he secretly
shuttles his mother
off to the retirement home...
He's weird, but
he's not that weird.
The g*ng at the bar
suspects something else.
Aw, Sammy, I'm the
worst son in the world!
Perhaps a little foul play.
Yeah, a little digging
in the backyard maybe.
Next time on Cheers.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh! Good thing I set my
watch, otherwise I would've forgot
something very important I
have to do right at this very minute.
Yeah, what's that, Wood?
Did you... need to
take some medication?
No.
Well, uh... maybe you're
supposed to call somebody, huh?
No. No...
Perhaps you had an appointment?
Maybe if I just
don't think about it,
it'll come to me.
I wouldn't worry about it, Wood.
As you get older, you know,
the memory starts to go a bit.
Myself, I was
thinking about maybe
signing up for one of
those memory classes.
That's it, my memory class!
Today's graduation.
Oh, where'd I park?
Oh, yeah. See, it's working.
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Evening, everybody.
Norm!
How's life treating you, Norm?
Well, Sammy, it's not.
So I sure hope you are.
Where's Woody?
Oh, his father-in-law
took him and Kelly
to see the Boston Symphony. Ah!
Probably thought Woody needed
a little musical culture. Yeah.
The Boston Symphony is offering
"Mahler's Third" this evening,
one of my absolute favorites.
It always brings salt
water to Lilith's eyes.
Tears to you and me,
saline secretions to her.
"Mahler's Third" takes over
an hour and a half by itself.
The adagio alone is endless.
I beg your pardon.
Since when do you know
anything about classical music?
Since I was two years old.
My mother was a concert cellist.
I used to turn the pages for
her while she was practicing.
And I loathe Mahler.
Well, it must have
been very enriching
to have a mother
who played the cello.
Like hell.
Her food tasted like rosin,
and every time I tried to
sit on her lap, I fell through.
Hey, Cliffie, how're you doing?
Not well, Sam.
Boy, am I mad!
I've never been this upset!
Boy, three words fellas,
three words:
dames is grief.
Fighting with Ma, huh?
Oh, and how.
It seems like that's
all we do anymore.
You know, you'd think
it'd be a perfect setup...
Mother and a grown son
living in a one
bedroom apartment.
But no.
Reality check, gentlemen.
Life is not like the
movies, I guess, huh?
I'm sure it'll all
blow over, Cliffie.
No, no way,
Sammy, not this time.
I tell you that broad's
pushed me too hard.
Too hard, I tell you.
It's about time I
started pushing back.
She's just gone and
created a monster, that's all.
But this monster is not gonna
lie in some tomb of ice.
No, sirree.
My anger will melt that
ice, so that I might rise up
and, and crush the
Tokyo of the buildings there
beneath the talons
of my animosity...
Cliff, Cliff.
We all appreciate how
hard you're working
on this metaphor,
but we get the idea.
What a majestic
composer that Mahler was.
What a piece of work!
I'll go upstairs
and see if Melville's
- is still serving dinner.
- Say, Kelly,
you go to a lot of
those classical...
concert things, don't you?
Do you really enjoy them?
Oh, I love them, Sam.
I just sit there and let my mind
become a total blank.
How, how do you do that?
How do I do what?
You have a nice dinner, Kelly.
Why don't you order
some protein, sweetheart.
That opening
piece, that gorgeous
Dvorjak cello concerto in, uh...
What was it? B Minor.
Yes, I thought that was...
Why, Miss Howe.
I'm flabbergasted.
B Minor's correct.
Believe me, I know.
Well, my compliments.
Obviously, when you've
worked at the house
I've failed to
appreciate your depth.
Not to mention her width.
No, I've always thought
that Mahler was
an acquired taste.
You can say that again.
You know, it was a
shared love for music
which first attracted
me to my ex-wife.
Really?
Do you know "Mahler's Fourth"?
It's only my fave, that's all.
Hey, Woody, how'd it go, man?
Oh, Sam, you're right. Yeah?
As soon as those lights dimmed,
I was sound asleep.
These things really
came in handy. Oh...
Yeah, I tell you, these things
bailed me out quite a few times.
Got me through a
lot of heart-to-heart
pillow talk with Diane.
That cello concerto,
it gets everyone!
You know, I stole a
look at the young people
during the allegretto,
and I must admit,
even Woody was
displaying unusual intensity.
Woody.
Woody, they say we can still eat
if we order right now.
You know, Miss Howe,
I know this is late notice,
but are you free
this Saturday night?
I'm having some people in
to listen to classical music.
This, this, this, this Saturday?
If you're busy, I'll
understand... No, no!
I, I'm I-I-I'm available.
Oh, splendid.
Shall we say around 7:00?
7:00. Yeah.
My God!
Did you, did you just
hear what happened?
I certainly did.
This incredibly rich
man asked me out.
And-and all this
time, he's just b...
he's been there right
in front of my nose.
Well, congratulations, honey.
I think he loves me.
Oh, come... slow down, will you?
Just slow down. All he
did was ask you for a date.
Well, all Charles
did was ask Diana
if she wanted a cup of tea.
And look how that turned out.
Their marriage is in shambles.
"Shambles"?
She got three
castles and $80 mil.
I call that happily ever after.
I forgot my purse.
Uh, Kelly?
Kelly, is your, is your dad
seeing anyone special?
No, and I wish he were.
Since the divorce,
he just mopes around the house.
I sure wish he'd meet
someone wonderful.
Oh, so do I.
For you, I mean.
You know, Kelly,
isn't it rough on you,
not having a mother around?
I mean, you don't
even have a stepmother.
Somebody to chat with,
and to share things with,
and to confide and tell all your
special little secrets to.
Boy, I'll say.
Like there's this
thing Woody does
when we make love.
Now tell me if you
think this is normal...
Let's just save it. Let-let...
I think your soup's getting
cold. Come on, honey.
Go on upstairs. Bye-bye.
Hey, Carla.
Give me a quick
coffee, will you?
I've got some
major driving to do.
Cliffie.
Where've you been
the past few days?
Ah, getting my nerve up.
For what?
Something drastic.
You and your mom still fighting?
No, that's, uh...
not a problem anymore.
No, uh, well why,
Cliff? Why not?
Well, 'cause I had
all I could take.
Something unpleasant
had to be done.
And it wasn't pretty,
it wasn't easy, but, uh,
she won't be bugging me anymore.
So, what's been
going on around here?
Well, Cliff, your ma is
still at your place, isn't she?
No, she's, uh, out in the car.
Why didn't you bring her in?
Oh, everybody's getting
kind of nosy around here, huh?
You think, uh, we'll talk
about something else, please?
You love talking about your ma.
Hey! Subject closed, all right?
Aw, forget it.
Maybe there aren't so many
"Ma lovers" out in the woods.
I knew this day would come.
Clavin whacked his mother.
Come on, Carla.
He said she was
"out in the car."
Yeah, and soon she'll
be out in the woods.
Yeah, well, maybe she's
getting her own place, you know?
Yeah, she's probably
getting a lot of places.
Especially after
the bears dig her up.
Oh, knock it off, Carla.
Cliff didn't k*ll anybody.
Why not?
What do we really
know about him?
We know he is weird.
He's weird, but
he's not that weird.
Look, to k*ll his mother,
he'd have to be some
kind of slobbering, degenerate
dual-personality psychopath.
Anybody got a problem with that?
I can't believe
I'm hearing this!
If you really think Cliff is
capable of murdering his mother,
why do you remain his friends?
He's my ride.
Well, here we are.
Oh, Ma! Look at this!
Even better than the
picture in the brochure.
Yes, I expect I'll be
perfectly delighted
once I stop weeping
and feeling carsick.
Aw, come on, Ma,
the ride wasn't that bad.
You drive too fast.
All young people do.
I've often said,
"A lot of needless
accidents could be avoided
if they'd just raise the
legal driving age to 50."
Well, I was just in
a hurry to get you
to this beautiful
retirement community.
I'll say. Talk
about luxury, huh?
Oh! That bed, that's,
that's practically king-sized.
King Richard III,
wasn't he the dwarf?
Oh, what do we got here?
Whoa, look at this, Ma!
You've got a beautiful
view of the woods here.
Boy, oh, boy... you
know, when I see a place
like this, I... I almost
wish I was retired.
Clifford, are you sure we
can afford a place like this?
Oh, yeah, but don't worry,
your insurance
policies will cover it.
Oh, that's convenient.
You'll have money left
for hooch and slatterns.
Oh, come on, Ma.
You know I'm just
doing what's best for you.
Come on, Ma.
We've both got to
be strong about this.
I suppose you're right.
Well, you're darned
tootin', I'm right.
I mean, you're gonna
have a lot of fun here, Ma.
The brochure says the
day's crammed with activities.
You'll play bingo to
your heart's content.
You'll make new friends.
These are your golden years.
Oh, bless your heart.
You've given me what
every mother dreams of...
A tastefully furnished room
in which to die among strangers.
Ma, come on.
We're, we're gonna
be strong, remember?
Now, is there anything you need?
Well...
you could keep my garden up.
I think there are a
couple of bags left
of that steer manure you gave me
last Mothers' Day.
Okay. I'll go do that now.
Bye-bye.
Ma, will you stop that?
All right, good-bye.
Ma!
What? I'm just standing here.
You're making those noises.
I don't hear any noises.
It must be your
guilty conscience.
You run along.
I expect they'll be
here any minute
to prep me for my lobotomy.
Ma, you're not going
to make me feel guilty.
Now, I'm gonna leave,
and I'll see you
next visitors' day.
Bring cigarettes.
They're money in
these places, you know.
Presto.
Wow, that's a nifty gismo
for cracking locks, Carla.
Where'd you get
it? My kid made it
in Shop for Mothers' Day.
I don't feel right,
breaking into
Cliff's place like this.
Yeah, well, we've got to do
it now while he's out driving.
It's the only way
we're gonna find out
what happened to his mother.
Yeah, besides, it's
kind of exciting, isn't it?
You know, I always
used to dream of being
a sophisticated,
international jewel thief,
leaping catlike from
balcony to balcony.
We've got to see if we can find
any trace of that poor woman.
Look at this place,
give me the creeps.
Look, Paul, go see
what's in there, okay?
Oh, it's just a head.
Oh!
Oh, relax.
It's another word
for "bathroom."
It's an old navy term.
You were in the navy?
Mess cook, that dream came true.
Well, go snoop around in there.
See if you can find any
intimate, feminine stuff.
Aye-aye.
There's a jar of bubble bath.
Oh, no, that's Cliff's.
Uh, he uses it because
he thinks it keeps dogs
from biting him on his route.
Biting him on his what?
When he's out
delivering mail, doofus.
Is there anything else in there?
Uh, just guy stuff:
soap, toothpaste,
uh, aftershave.
You know what's
weird about this?
This closet has
all Cliff's stuff,
but not even a trace of
any of Ma Clavin's stuff.
Yeah, well what
about this skirt?
Oh, no, that's Cliff's.
It's, uh, it's a kilt.
He wore it to the
Postman's Ball, remember?
"A Night in Glasgow"
was the theme.
This is fiendish.
It's like he's just eliminated
all traces of her.
It's as though
she never existed.
You're right, it is
beginning to get suspicious.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this?
Oh, no-no-no, that's the mail.
Come on, that's private.
Right, like Cliff's
never read anyone else's mail.
"Dear Mister Clavin,
"I am forwarding
you all your mother's
insurance policies
under separate cover."
This is the smoking g*n.
Let's get out of here.
Too late, he's
coming up the stairs.
Get in the closet. Yeah, yeah.
Go on, get in the closet.
There's not enough room in here!
Well, everybody
take a deep breath.
Well, I hope you're
satisfied, Clavin.
You've done it
now... The dirty deed.
There's no going back.
So long.
Arrividerci.
Sayonara.
Yachsomache.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't just pretend and go
on like nothing's happened.
Oh, I've got to
talk to somebody.
Somebody who will understand me.
Somebody who won't condemn me.
Ma, I'm going down to Cheers!
Get me...
Well, it sounds pretty
bad for Ma Clavin.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, wait, wait.
No one is going
anywhere until I find out
who had their hands on my butt.
Oh, that was me.
I thought you had gum.
How do I look?
Wow! You're dressed
a little fancy, aren't you,
to go over to some guy's
house and listen to some music?
First of all, it is not a house.
It is a stately mansion.
And secondly, it
is not "some guy."
It is Mr. Gaines,
the man I adore.
"Adore?"
Come on, what are you doing...
You don't even know the
guy's first name, do you?
It's Mister.
And if I play my
cards right tonight,
I might just become
Mrs. Mr. Gaines.
Just think of it, Sam.
Starting tonight I am no
longer the old Rebecca Howe.
I am the new Rebecca Howe.
This is going to be the start...
Of a whole new life for me.
Have I said that before?
Only about a thousand times.
Well, this time it's different.
Wow. Wow.
Honey, you're doing it again.
You're going
completely overboard.
You do this time and time again.
And I just, I don't want
to see you get hurt.
You're right.
I'm rushing into
things again, aren't I?
Yeah.
Listen, listen, it-it's
just a simple date, right?
You're going over
to a guy's house
and you listen
to a little music.
That's right, I'm just
listening to a little music.
Yeah.
And I do like some
classical music.
I, I... maybe they'll play
Wagner. I like Wagner.
What's that catchy little tune
that he has that I like?
Oh, I know.
You're doing it...
Sam, you busy?
Who is it?
It's Cliff.
Then, yeah.
Thanks, Sam.
Hey, I, uh, I'm really
upset about something.
I, just need your advice, pal.
Cliff, Cliff.
They, they make fun of you
because they love you, okay?
Uh, thanks, Sam, but, uh, uh...
that's not really
why I came in here.
Oh. Then, why?
Well, Sam, I want
to talk about Ma.
We've been
fighting a lot lately,
and, uh, we've decided
that she should go live
in a retirement community.
And, aw, Sammy, I'm
the worst son in the world!
Oh, man, hey, uh, listen,
all-all, all families...
Do me a favor, do you
want to sit on the desk?
All right.
Uh, all-all families
go through this, Cliffie.
Uh, you know, I think
you're doing the right thing.
Uh, uh, you know, you know,
I'll bet she's going to
be real happy, right?
I mean, you picked a nice place.
Oh, yeah.
A real nice place.
Famous, too.
It was profiled on 60 Minutes.
You know, a couple weeks later,
they went back and
did a follow-up even.
There you go, Cliff. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right, Sam.
I still feel a little
bit guilty, though.
Yeah, well, uh, you know,
there's no need for that.
I think you're doing
the right thing, pal.
Hey, thanks, Sam.
Listen, I'd appreciate it if
you didn't spread it around,
you know, this little
talk we had here.
I only told you because
we're best friends.
Well, fair enough.
You know, but maybe we
shouldn't spread that around, either.
I'm with you, Sam. All right.
I'll, uh, be back in a
while there, Woody.
Just remembered a job I
have to take care of at home.
All right, Mr. Clavin.
Hey, Cliff...
Oh, it's, uh, nice to
see you guys, too. Yeah.
So, uh, where,
where've you been?
Oh, here, there...
everywhere, you know.
Yeah, we didn't hear anything.
Oh, yeah, save a
beer for me, will you?
Hey, where's he going?
Well, he said he had a job
to take care of at home.
Yeah... a little digging
in the backyard, maybe.
Getting rid of the
m*rder w*apon.
Come on, Carla.
I can't believe you
people are still pursuing
that paranoid
fantasy about Cliff.
It's no fantasy, Frasier.
And isn't it interesting
that you're the one who
keeps defending him?
Well, I'm not defending
him. I'm merely saying...
Where is Lilith
these days, anyhow?
Has anyone here
heard from Lilith lately?
Oh, come on, Carla, lay off.
And what about Vera,
Norm? Where is Vera?
Carla... And has anyone
ever seen Paul's alleged ex?
You're all sick.
It's an evil conspiracy.
A bunch of frustrated men
who slaughter women
and then chop up their
bodies in the dead of night!
Oh, man!
I'd better have a
date pretty soon
or I'm gonna
start turning weird.
Why, Miss Howe
I was just beginning
to worry about you.
Oh, please, call me Rebecca.
What a lovely home you have.
So many possibilities.
Why, thank you.
You should enjoy
yourself this evening.
We're having an
all-Mahler program.
Oh, wonderful.
Yes. I've hired a very
gifted German baritone.
He'll be performing
Mahler's "Kindertotenleider,"
songs on the death of children.
Well, if we don't have
fun tonight, we never will.
Yes, and you should be able
to hear adequately
from your station,
where you'll be
performing your duties.
My station?
Yes. You'll be tending
bar just through that door.
You know, we didn't have a
chance to discuss your wages.
Now I want to be fair.
My station? My duties?
Uh, Hives, here, has your apron.
Hives? He'll
explain your duties.
I'll start off with
a white wine.
My station? My duties? My apron?
Fancy dress.
Hives, I-I think there's
been a terrible mistake here.
You see, I-I think I
was supposed to be
Mister Gaines'
date for this evening.
Really! Oh, they'll
love that in the kitchen.
Thank you.
You're very kind.