11x25 - One for the Road

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.
"Where everybody knows your name..."
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11x25 - One for the Road

Post by bunniefuu »

Next time on Cheers,

guest star Tom Berenger
pops the question to Ms. Howe.

Will you marry me?


Uh, maybe you
should try that again.

Rebecca, will you marry me?


And Sammy gets a shock
visit from an old flame.

Hello, everyone.

That's right, Diane
is back for last call.

It's a scream, next
time on Cheers.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Good evening, gentlemen.

What mindless divertissement

occupies your waning
attention span tonight?

It's the, uh, National
Cable Ace Awards...

Given for excellence in all
facets of cable programming.

I stand corrected.

Are you watching for
any particular category?

Yes, the most impressive display

of female flesh in the,
uh, tight-fitting dress.

You're watching for cleavage.

Living for cleavage.

Stunning supermodel Kim Alexis

is listed as a presenter. Yeah.

Yeah, Kim Alexis.

Boy, how often her lovely
form has graced the pages

of the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue, huh? Yeah.

And how often some youngster
slipped underneath the blankets

with a flashlight and
looked at the same issue

while their mother pounds
on the door and says,

"It's past your
bedtime, Clifford!"

Or whatever the lad's
name happens to be.

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Dr. Crane, you know,
tomorrow's the big day

I'm getting sworn in
in Boston City Council.

Oh, yes, the beginning
of your political career.

It started out as a small joke
and turned into an enormous one.

Yeah, and listen,
I was wondering if

maybe you could help me
out with the speech I'm giving.

Well, of course I'll
take a look at it, Woody.

Where is it?

Well, I, you know,
I was wondering

if maybe you
could write it for me.

All right, I'll be your
speechwriter, Woody.

What ideas would
you like to incorporate?

Okay. Looks like I'm
gonna need one more favor.

Welcome to Cheers.

Can I take your order, handsome?

Can I be your order, handsome?

Cutty Sark neat, please.

Okay. Would you
like that in a glass

or shall I pour it over
myself and let you lick it off?

Come on, Carla, this
happens to be my guy.

Yeah, well, I can fix
that in ten minutes.

Five... if I use jumper
cables and a wet towel.

Listen to me... "my guy."

That feels good
to say, "my guy."



Oh, uh, Rebecca, listen.

There's something really
important I've been wanting

to ask you all night, but, uh,
I guess I'm just too nervous.

Uh, well, y-you
know, I'm a plumber

and I'm not very good
with words and, uh...

Oh, why don't we just forget it.

No! No-no-no-no!

Wait, wh-why don't you
just sit here and relax

and, uh, you think about
that question you want to pop

and, uh, I-I'll get us
some champagne

so that we can
celebrate the answer.

And our next presenters are

Salman Rushdie and Dr. Ruth.

Sleepy time down South, huh?

Hey, everybody.

Oh. CLIFF: Hey, Sam.

Sam, come here, you're
just the guy I want to talk to.

Come here. Where have you been?

Well, the sex compulsion
therapy group thing.

Yeah. We're all real
proud of you with that.

How's that thing going?

Uh, slow but painful.

This week I'm not gonna
think about sex at all

or even hear about or talk
about anything remotely sexual.

Sam, it's about my love life.

Yeah, that should be safe.

Listen, I think

the most important thing in
my life is about to happen.

Don is gonna propose to me.

Oh! No, shh...!

But he's having a
little bit of a hard time...

He's sort of shy and
he can't really spit it out,

so I'm gonna coax him along
by giving him a little champagne.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Oh, that's the best
idea I've ever heard.

Listen, uh, let me
buy the champagne...

The best stuff I've got.

Best stuff.

Wh-Wh-Which is the best stuff?

Uh, it's the bottle with
the Flintstones on it.

Wh-What you
watchin' there, guys?

The Cable Ace Awards, Sammy.

Yeah. We're
breathlessly awaiting

the appearance of stunning
supermodel, Kim Alexis.

She the one with the great...

Yeah, yeah.

See you.

Aw, poor Sammy.

Breaks my heart.

First the man has to give
up drinking and now women.

Yeah. Boy...

there's no way in
hell Clifford C. Clavin

could ever give up babes.

I'd explode.

I know where you're coming from.

You've got to understand, Don.

I've always been
at a disadvantage.

See, I was born with only
one erogenous zone, and...

unfortunately, it
covers my entire body.

That's why I've had
to work extra hard

to get to where I am today.

Frankly, Carla, uh,

I don't think I
could satisfy you.

I'm not sure the men of
Desert Storm could satisfy you.

Carla, will you excuse us?

Don and I are in the middle of
a very important conversation.

So are we.

Carla, shoo!

Okay, I'll leave you alone
with your handsome plumber.

Don... Mm.

You, uh, you said
that you had something

that you wanted to ask me?


Rebecca, we've only known
each other a very short time, and...

but in that time, I've come
to care for you very deeply.


I've been happier with
you than anyone else

and I... I don't want that
happiness to ever end.


will you m-m-m-marry me?

Oh, Don!

Of course I won't!



That was, that was a mistake.

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?



What the hell is happening?!

Rebecca, are you okay? Yeah.

D-D-Don, hold it. Just
sit there one second.

"Rebecca will you marry me?"

Oh, I love you so much, Don.

Of course I'll marry you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, Don, ask me quick.

Rebecca, will you marry me?



I don't know what's happening!

Oh, well, I do!

You obviously don't feel about
me the way I feel about you.

See you around, Rebecca.

Nice knowing you.


Rebecca, are you all right?

Yes, thank you!

Oh, God!

Oh, I just let the man that I
love walk right out of my life.

Oh, please, Frasier, go get him.

Oh, okay, of course.


Wait a minute.

Maybe I said no because
deep down inside,

I know that we haven't
known each other long enough.

Yet if he walks out now,

I may never see him
for the rest of my life.

Oh, come on, girl.

Take a chance.

All right. Go, go, go, go!

No! Hold it!

No, I mean, maybe, maybe I know

that this just isn't the right
thing to do, deep down inside.

Wait a minute,
I've got it. I've got it.

I-I'm just gonna do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm just gonna sit down here

and pretend like the
whole thing was a dream.

Run, Don! Run!

Run like the wind!

Norm, hey, Norm, new category.

This may be the end
of our long, dark night.

And now to present the award

for best writing in a
movie or miniseries,

here are supermodel, Kim Alexis

and Hall of Fame player
and coach, Mike Ditka.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, Coach,
I was wondering,

which one of us has had the
most coverage in Sports Illustrated?

No contest, Kim.

That would be me.

Oh, you mean because
you've had so many great years

on the gridiron as being both
a player and a coach, right?

No, I mean because when
I've seen you in the magazine,

you've had very
little coverage at all.

Oh, you.

You know, I think it's unfair.

I think that they should do

an issue featuring
swimsuits for men.

Great idea.

The only thing is, the ladies
have to model the suits.

Coach, you're incorrigible.

I don't write it, I just say it.

Shall we present the nominees

for best writing of a
movie or miniseries?

Why not? Okay.

The nominees are:

Jerry Burger, Tulsa Farewell.

Diane Chambers, The
Heart Held Hostage.

Rhonda Kizowski, A
Dream of Gladiolas.


Did you hear that?

Did my ears deceive me?

What's the matter, Dr. Crane?

Well, I thought I heard
Diane Chambers' name

in that list of nominees.

Robert Vanderveer
and Kenneth Montoya

for Tris... Tristan and
Isolde Get a Place in Jersey.

And the winner is...

Diane Chambers, The
Heart Held Hostage.

Can it be?

Is it really her?

Thank you all.

And thank you, cable television,
for allowing those of us...

Who eschew the pap and
pablum of commercial television...

To sing, to dance, to write

and to listen to the
whispers of our muses.

Although sometimes the voices of

Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe,

Melpomene, Polyhymia,
Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania

are too soft to be heard.

Forgive me, gals,
if I forgot someone.

God, is it her.

Thanks to my parents for

conceiving and bearing me.

Although both wanted a boy...

Locked as were so many of their
generation in masculine primacy.

Anyhow, where to begin?

Guess we, better go tell
Sammy the romance of his life

is on national TV.

Yeah, well, she was once the
romance of my life, too, Norm,

or are you forgetting?

She dropped you
like a bad habit.

Sorry I didn't bring that up.

Thanks to the Amazon Rain Forest

for providing me and
you, ladies and gentlemen,

with 40% of our oxygen.

The devastation must end!

Woody, I want you
to look at the television

and tell me what you see.

Uh, the television
isn't even on.

I just must be having
one of my little spells.

Thanks to you, Sylvia Plath...

Whoa! This is a doozy!

Let me say this,

your tragic story will
be my next project.

Hey Woody, lock
up for me, will you?

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, Lord, I tell you,
that Kim Alexis is hot.

Look to her right.

Thank you, Dr. Wendell Brandt...

Oh, my God.

For believing in and
inspiring a gangly...

college freshman
in creative writing.

It was Dr. Wendell Burgoyne

who was my creative
writing teacher...

My entire script was
written on recycled paper.

You have to be taught to hate.

So, local girl makes good. Hmm.

Ah, well, here's to
Diane and her success.

Well, I'm gonna do
you one better there.

I think I'm gonna send her a
telegram of congratulations.

You know, it's kind of
the classy thing to do.

H-H-Hold it. Wait a minute.

Why would you be sending a
telegram to my hallucination?

Unless, it's not
a hallucination.

What-what-what are
you talking about? The...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

As a matter of fact, this, this whole
thing is part of the hallucination.

Wow. I must have been
in a car accident. Mmm.

I'm probably in a hospital

right now, hooked up
to a bunch of machines,

barely clinging to life.

Yes. That's...
that's probably true.

Phew. What a relief.


Hello, Sam.

Well, hello there.

Thanks for the lovely telegram.

How did you find me?

Uh, Frasier, uh, you know,

has a colleague who's kind
of a shrink to the stars in L.A.

Oh, well, I'd hardly
call myself a star.

Well, I didn't say you were.

Well, I didn't say you did.

Yeah, anyway, you know, he knew
somebody who knew somebody

who knew somebody
who'd kind of heard of you.

I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch.

I've been terribly busy.

Well, there's no
need to apologize.

Uh, life's been great for you.

It's been great for me, too.

Oh really, Sam?

Is life okay for you?

Okay? You kidding me?

Ah, it couldn't be
better, you know.

Business is great,
family's great.

Hair is thicker than ever.


You're married?

Well, you didn't think I was
gonna... wait around for you

for the rest of
my life, did you?

I didn't say that.

I didn't say you did.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Great gal.

Yeah, great kids, too.

You know, they sure
grow up fast, don't they?

What about you, Diane,
you, you got children?

I have three.

Well, we have four.

That's, uh, that's-that's
one more than you, I guess.


Well, anyway, he's
a wonderful man.

You'd like Reed.

Well, if you're ever in Boston,

make sure you, uh, you
bring him over to the bar.

Well, you know, actually, I have
been meaning to come back to Boston.

I've been invited to speak
at almost all my alma maters.

I was afraid of running
into... problems.

But maybe we will come back
now that we've been invited.

I'll have to check
Reed's schedule.

Yes. You do that.

Yes, uh, sure hope
you can make it.

Thank you. I hope so, too.

Well, bye, Diane.



Why did you invite her here

when you're lying
about being married?

You kidding me? She'll
never show up here.

Besides, she's the one who's
lying about being married.

How do you know?

Because I know the woman.

I know she's lying.

Fortunately, I also
know that she knows

that I know she's lying,

which is why she'll never
dare show her face in Boston.

She's coming.

How's it going, Cliffie?

Aw, I'm in no mood to talk.

Aw, guys, thanks for cheering
me up with your humor.

Okay, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.

Oh, please, dear God,

Let this be a story
about the post office.

There's this, uh, there's this
guy down at work, Marty Furman.

Don't you people
know from sarcasm?

There's a supervisor's position
going on in my department

and Marty's the guy who, uh,

is in charge of
deciding who gets it.

And wouldn't you know it,
every flunky and his cousin

is kissing up to him
like there's no tomorrow.

Why does this bother
you so much, Cliff?

Oh, because I rightfully
deserve that job,

but I'm not going to
stoop to their level.

No siree, Bob.

Everything I've gotten in
my life I've gotten on merit.

That explains
your meteoric rise.

"I believe I was elected
to the city council

"as an agent of change.

"And I fully intend to
live up to that pledge.

I will make change."

No, change "change"
to "a change."


No, see in here,
you make change.

There, you make a change.

So just make the change.

Change, "make change"
to "make a change."

Oh, just change it!

Well, I think I see why
Dr. Crane never cures anybody.

You know, I couldn't help

but overhear your little
speech there, Wood.

It was very interesting what
you said about cronyism.

You're gonna have
to be strong, though.

A lot of people are gonna
put a lot of pressure on you.

Imagine an old pal
who's been out of work,

a real good friend who
hasn't worked in years.

The guy could be
fully trained as...

I don't know...

let's say, an accountant.

But now?

He spends all
his time in a bar...

Running up a tab that he'll
never be able to pay off.

You could probably help
that poor soul, Woody.

Pull a few strings down at
City Hall, get the guy a job.

But you... you wouldn't
do that, would you?

Because you're a man of
honor and principle and integrity.

I'll see what I can
do, Mr. Peterson.

I'll need $500 a week and a car.

Did Don call?

No. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

What a loser I am.

I'm so bad I should
form a club of losers.

You know, that's
something I could win...

President of the losers club.

Sweetheart, you-you look
like you slept in that dress.

I did.

And I may wear it
for the rest of my life.

Who would care?

In a couple of
days, we all will.

This is the dress
that I lost my guy in.

If you hear a
scream and a thud...

just keep drinking.

I don't think I'm getting
any work out of her today.

She doesn't do anything, anyway.

And she doesn't
start that until noon.

Hello, everyone.

Nice to see you, too, Carla.


What are you doing here?

You invited me, remember?

Carla, relax.

We're just here for a visit.


Yes, I'm with my husband, Reed.

He's parking the car.

I wanted to bring the
children but they're in school.

Oh, great.

How-how great that is.

Sam, Reed and I would
love to take you to lunch.

Is your wife about?

Yes. Yes, she's about.

Um, I'll just, uh, get
my wife, Rebecca.

Yes, uh, my wife Rebecca.

Excuse me, a second.


One, two...


Rebecca, sweetheart,
you have to be my wife.


Oh, now sure, I
can say "yes" to you,

because you mean about as
much to me as a rat's patootie.

Listen, honey, I, I
want you to understand,

see, I lied to Diane.

You remember
Diane? Well, she's back.

Anyway, I-I-I told
her that I was married

because I knew
she'd never show up.

But she's here with her husband.

So, please, you got to
be my wife, just for lunch.

No. I don't know, Sam.

Look, please, please, I'll
owe you a big one. Please.

All right.

After losing the only
man I ever loved,

lunch should hit the spot.

Thank you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're such a friend.

And you're such a mess.

Uh, tell you what, why
don't we fix you up a little

then... ooh, then
we'll fix you up a lot.
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