06x03 - Malcolm at the Crossroads

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

[tires screeching] hold it, hold it, hold it!

Where you goin'?

You ain't supposed to move till I turn the other side of this sign what say "go."

I can tell it say "go" 'cause it's green, pure green.

See that? Now, git, you!

Go on, git! Don't let me see you again!

Go on! Git!

Hey, stop it, you!

Can't you see I'm holdin' up the rosy red?

Stop, you, stop! Stop, you criminal, you!

Come on, stop, you!

I'm gonna get you for that, you criminal...

Wait, ernest t.! Quit throwin' rocks at that car.

Well, he wouldn't stop!

I... I had up the rosy red,

I didn't have up the pure green.

In the first place, you didn't see him comin',

and in the nd place, you don't throw rocks at cars!

You think I wanted to throw them rocks? Them's my bestest rocks.

Look at them nice pointy points on it, too.

Ernest t.? Hmm?

Now, I gave you this job,

and I'm tellin' you right now,

if... If you throw any more rocks, I'm gonna fire you.

You dice 'em? I do dice 'em!

But if you fire me, then I can't marry up with my beautiful romeena.

Why? Because I need $ for the honeymoon.

Tents cost money, somethin' fierce, you know.

Gonna get a lantern, too.

You better remember what I said.

I will, I will.

[Sniffing] sheriff, I declare, I'm so ashamed of myself,

I'm about to cry. Well, don't cry.

All right.

You and ramona gettin' married soon?

Yup. Right soon. Right soon.

Her girlfriends are givin' her a shower.

That's nice. A lot of gifts.

Just a plain hot water shower.

Well, ernest t., I'm glad you're gonna marry ramona.

But I'm tellin' you right now,

if you throw one more rock...

I give you my word, sheriff.

I wouldn't throw one more rock.

Good.

Didn't say nothin' about no brick.

[Laughing]

[whooping]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

dreadfully sorry, sir. It's entirely my fault.

Well, malcolm merriweather!

Hello, sheriff.

You're lookin' fine.

Well, thank you. It's nice of you to say that.

Are you hurt?

No, not a scratch.

Oh, good. Decided to pay us a little visit, huh?

Well, one never quite forgets mayberry, you know.

Such a charming little town.

[Chuckling] we like it.

Help you down?

Oh, thank you very much.

[Grunting] there we go. You got it?

Right, yes.

Say... Ok, ok.

Here we go.

[Grunting]

there we are.

Always so gracious.

[Chuckles] well. We'll see you.

Gee, you're just lookin' just marvelous.

Well, thanks. I have to try to stay fit, you know.

You're on another little vacation, huh?

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm planning to stay a bit this time

and... And try me hand at being an american.

You're not figurin' on settlin' in mayberry?

Well, I've never met friendlier folks anywhere.

Well, isn't that the nicest thing you ever heard of?

Mind you, I've no intention of sponging while I'm here.

Plan to make me own way, get some sort of position for meself, pull me weight.

Malcolm merriweather always pays.

Aw! Well, why don't we just go in the barbershop here

and look at the bulletin board

and see if we see any jobs listed?

Aren't you kind? Aren't you kind? Well...

(Floyd) uh, seamstress.

Uh, no, no, no.

Uh, hairdresser. No.

No, no. Ooh, say, fletch roberts over at the depot,

he needs a bookkeeper. How about bookkeeping?

You know anything about bookkeeping, malcolm?

Not the foggiest, no.

Well, maybe we'd better go at it the other way around.

What do you know about?

Well, the usual things, you know.

Um, last years I was a gentleman's gentleman to the colonel.

His valet. A valet.

A valet?

[Stuttering] oh, valet, valet.

Uh, well, there don't seem to be anything today.

Well, what else do you know, malcolm?

Well, i, um, I know how to keep wine cellars stocked, and, uh...

Oh, yes, yes. I... I... I took care of hunting birds.

Falcons, you know.

You were a falcon keeper?

A falcon keeper.

A falcon... A falcon keeper, falcon keeper.

Well, n-now, there don't seem to be anything for falcon keepers just now,

but the first thing that comes in for falcon-keepin',

I won't give it to no one else.

Well, I'm sure something will turn up. Ah, sure it will.

Hey, andy, floyd.

(Andy) oh, hey, goober. Hey, goober.

Malcolm, you remember goober,

works over at the fillin' station.

Oh, most certainly. How do you do, goober?

[Clicking tongue] hey, malcolm.

I was the first one to see you when you rode by the station.

Saw you before anybody. Floyd, andy, any of them.

I seen you first, just pedalin' along.

Oh, you did? Yeah.

You need any, uh, help over at the fillin' station?

Mean to tell you, boy, we're busy.

Well, malcolm here is lookin' for work.

Do you know anything about cars? Oh, my, indeed, yes.

I was quite a hand at tinkering with the family car.

Well, uh, what sort of work did you do on the family car?

Well, general things, you know.

I, uh, I took care of all the mechanicism under the bonnet.

Well, I guess that means hood.

And on occasion, I'd adjust the anti-bound slips,

or, uh, take a ding out of the wing on the drophead,

and, uh, if need be, I could always dickey up the hooter, too.

You say you'd dickey up the hooter?

Well...

[Laughing]

[car engine revving]

(ernest) hold that thing, culprit. I'm gonna get you!

Hold up! You wanna hold up there.

Bad culprit!

Ernest t.!

Oh, howdy, sheriff.

Mighty nice of you to come down here, visit with me.

Ernest t., I warned you.

You said rocks. You didn't say nothin' about no bricks.

You knew what I meant. Now, you're fired. Fired?

Oh, sheriff, you're funnin' me.

I was never more serious in my life.

But, sheriff, if you fire me, I'll become your enemy,

your sworn enemy for life, ever and ever.

Give me the cap. Cap? My cap? Oh, no, you can't have that cap.

Give me the cap, ernest. No, you can't have my cap no, you can't have my...

I wouldn't let you have my cap. You can't have my cap!

[Crying] oh, you done took my cap,

which is the symbol of my profession.

All right, you can pick up your money at the courthouse.

[Stops crying] how much it gonna be?

Well, it's not gonna be $ , I can tell you that.

Will it be at least $ ?

No! More like $ . You just started.

$ ? That ain't enough for no tent nor no lantern, $ .

I think I'll get me a job as a doctor.

All right, ernest t., You don't work here anymore,

so just take your sack and go on back to the woods.

All right, sheriff.

Seein' as how I got one more brick left,

it's a sin to be wasteful!

[Giggling]

[exclaiming]

[glass shattering]

[laughing]

well, andy, i, uh, I really feel

this is matching the man to the job. Good.

I was in the coldstream guards, you know.

I didn't know that. Oh, yes.

I was valet to the commanding officer, of course.

Oh. Mind you, if there'd been any fighting,

you can bet a bob I'd have been in the thick of it.

Of course you would. Of course you would.

Hi, sheriff taylor.

Hi, sheriff taylor. Hi, sheriff.

(Andy) oh, hi, boys.

Boys, I'd like you to meet mr. Malcolm merriweather.

He's gonna be in charge of the crossin' from now on.

Hello, lads. (All) hi.

Now, mr. Merriweather's a real expert at this kind of thing.

So you do exactly as he says, ok?

(All) yes, sir.

See, he was with a very famous regiment in england

called the coldstream guards.

So you pay close attention, right?

(All) right. All right.

Ok, malcolm, I guess that's about it.

[Chuckling] oh.

Right.

Ok. Bye, boys.

(All) bye.

All right, lads. Now, you stay there

while I see if the road is clear.

All right, men! Proceed in close order!

That malcolm's really somethin'.

He's cold cream guards, you know.

He is? Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, them cold cream guards are fearless.

They are?

Malcolm's somethin', all right.

All them english sure are interesting people.

Did you know cary grant was english?

He was? He was english, huh?

I do a imitation of him.

Malcolm?

No, cary grant. Listen.

Judy, judy, judy.

Cary grant say that?

Yeah.

[Clears throat] what was he drivin' at?

He wasn't drivin' at nothin'.

That was a girl's name in a picture, judy.

Oh, that's a pretty name.

That's a lovely name. Yeah. Hmm.

Who is that? Who that?

That's the feller who took your job.

Uh, malcolm merriweather.

That's the feller that took my job?

Looks like a octopus.

Ha! Certainly enjoying this position.

Looking after all the lovely children,

seeing they get home safe to their mummies and daddies.

[Growling]

oh, hello.

Another one of mayberry's proud citizens, I presume.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure

of your acquaintance, old chap.

English! You're english!

I could tell by the way you slithered right through them words.

Nothin' wrong with a man bein' english, ernest t.

There is if'n you're irish.

My pa and ma was both irish,

and that makes me irish, since I sprung off on 'em.

I am the proud product of their marital bliss.

You englishter.

You done took my job.

You ruined my matrimony to my beloved romeena.

You englishter. You lowdown, ornery, no-good, skunky englishter.

Hey, now, that's being rather impolite.

I am polite to my besters, and you are my worsters.

You know what else?

I am gonna whup up on you.

Now, leave him alone, ernest t. Ernest t.!

I'm gonna whup you! Hands up! Come on, fight!

[Both exclaiming] come on!

Leave him alone, ernest t. Ernest t., Go on home.

Stop that! Stop it!

[Grunting]

come on, come on.

(Ernest) come on and fight! Put up your knuckles!

[Exclaiming] look at him! He don't do nothing.

He just stand there whuppin' at me with his hat.

Come on, fight, you!

I never did fight no man, bear, nor mountain lion

what didn't defend his self!

See here, now! "See here, now"?

All right, you don't defend yourself, I'm gonna jump on you.

I'm gonna get up here.

I'm gonna let you have it now. , , And a !

Hey!

Come on back here and fight, you!

I'm warnin' you! Today is thursday.

If you're still here on...

What's the day after thursday?

Uh, friday.

If you're still here on friday,

which is the day after thursday,

I'm gonna whup the fire out of you!

You ought to have seen it, andy,

you ought to have seen it.

Well, what did ernest t. Do? Now, hold it, andy.

Tighten that lower lip. Mmm.

Yeah.

Now, try and move it around a little bit.

Yeah, feel all right? Mmm-hmm.

Well, that's good, 'cause it's kind of tricky, andy.

Hmm. What... What did ernest t. Do?

Well, malcolm was walkin' across the street

like a cold cream guard... Coldstream.

That's right, and ernest t. Called him an englisher

and tried to fight him right down on the street.

Tried to fight him? Yeah, 'cause he's english.

Well, ernest t. Could k*ll him. Did they fight?

No, but the last thing ernest t. Said to malcolm was,

if he's in town tomorrow, he's gonna whup him.

Yeah, you think he'll go, think he'll stay?

I don't know. What do you think, andy?

Hurry up, floyd. Yeah, ok.

All right, men. Proceed in close order.

Hey, goober?

Goober, malcolm in there?

Hey, andy. Yeah.

Hello, sheriff.

What's all this stuff doin' on your bicycle?

Are you leavin' town or somethin'?

Well, it, uh, it had occurred to me,

but there's been a change of plan. I'm, uh, I'm staying on.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that, malcolm.

Of course, I might have to do a bit of fighting,

but it's all in a day's work, isn't it?

Now, wait a minute, malcolm.

I'll take care of ernest t. Bass.

No, no, please. We've already dispatched a runner to the hills

informing him that I'm staying.

Now, listen, malcolm... If he wants to do anything about it,

I'm prepared to give him satisfaction at noon tomorrow.

He wants to fight him in back of the garage.

No fightin'. No fightin'. No, no, no. No, no, andy, please.

This whole matter has become rather important to me.

Uh, he wants me to train him.

Listen, malcolm... Why, with all my cycling, I'm as fit as a fiddle.

Just need a little brushing up on me technique, that's all.

I'll go and get the equipment.

Uh, you don't seem to understand, malcolm.

I can't let you go through with this.

Andy, there comes a time when a man has to fight,

and if remaining in mayberry means fighting mr. Bass,

that is it.

Ernest t. Will k*ll him.

I'll teach malcolm everything I know, andy.

You know, I used to be a bully when I was younger.

Ernest t. Will k*ll him.

Ernest t.?

Ernest t. Bass!

Hey, quit throwing rocks, ernest t.

It's me, sheriff taylor.

(Ernest) come on up, sheriff.

I thought it was the widow bradshaw.

Hey, howdy, sheriff. I'm in trainin' for the fight.

[Grunting]

ernest t., I want you to call off this fight.

Now, look here, I ain't callin' off nothin'!

That englishter has just about ruined my life.

Now, if by any chance he happen to be behind that garage

tomorrow at high noon, which I do doubt,

I'm gonna fling myself at him.

All beautiful pounds of me.

Now, listen, ernest t...

Hmm, I already b*at up on him

here on this bag times already.

[Grunting]

ernest t., Quit a minute!

Suppose I was to tell you

that... That I'll just throw you in jail if you don't back off?

Wouldn't make me no never minds.

I likes a little high livin' now and again.

You may not believe this, sheriff,

but I happen to be nothin' but a little old country boy.

So I'd have some nd thoughts about callin' off that fight.

Seein' as the way malcolm feels,

I don't see how I can.

You're sweet.

Sheriff, you are sweet.

Now, as I understand it,

the idea would be to strike him at the base of the chin, if possible.

No, malcolm, in the mouth. Right in the mouth.

Now, put your left out.

Malcolm, this one, your left.

And your right back.

Now, I'm gonna try to hit you,

and I want you to block it, all right?

Yeah. Now, here we go, all right.

Here it comes, now.

How was that?

Oh, that's good, malcolm, real good. You're improvin'.

I didn't hurt you, did i? No.

But, malcolm, there's one little thing you got to remember.

When you see the right comin' at you, shove it out of the way.

Oh, I see.

What a capital idea.

[Malcolm laughing]

well, looks like you all are hard at it.

How's it comin'? Smashing.

Just smashing. Eh, goober?

Oh, yeah, malcolm. Uh, good, real good.

Uh, you better go skip some rope now. Right.

Andy.

How's it comin'?

That's the way, malcolm. Keep up the old rhythm.

He's gonna get k*lled.

I thought you were teachin' him.

I'd just as soon teach my grandma.

[Malcolm grunting]

lost a bit of me rhythm.

I'm afraid he's gonna strangle himself before the fight.

Untie yourself, malcolm. Work on the punchin' bag.

He's gonna get k*lled.

Well, andy, all I can say is,

if this fight goes on tomorrow,

malcolm may not get k*lled, but he's sure evermore gonna get bruised.

It's a crime, it's just a crime.

I hope malcolm don't show up.

Yeah.

Well, maybe he won't.

It'd be the best thing, but...

It's : !

Malcolm, don't come through that gate.

Please don't come through that gate.

Gentlemen.

Malcolm, I can't let you go through with this.

Stand back. The challenge has been made and has been accepted.

Malcolm, uh, do you remember everything I told you?

I think so, yes.

All right, now, the main thing to do is retreat and keep retreatin',

and if he comes near you, retreat some more.

And keep your face covered.

Keep everything covered. Just retreat and stay covered.

I brought this towel over from the shop.

I'd like to throw it in before the fight starts.

[Pills rattling]

painkillers.

[Wood smashing]

wrong or right, I'm here to fight,

unless you run away with fright.

And if you wonder who I be,

it's me, it's me, it's ernest t.

[Chuckling]

[shouts]

now, ernest t., I'm gonna tell you one more time.

If you go through with this, I'm gonna throw you in jail.

I don't care, sheriff. I don't care.

Like I just told you, I do not care.

Well, why do you want to fight him?

Because he is an englishter and hence I hates him.

Well, why do you hate him because he's an "englishter"?

Because I am irish,

and my mommy told me, as an irishman, I have to hate all englishters.

And I always do what my mommy tells me. Huh.

Besides that, he... He took my job

and he ruined my matrimonial plans with my beloved romeena.

Hence I hates him.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I requires not to soil my vest.

[Sighing]

when do I shake hands with him?

You don't shake hands. You just keep covered and retreat.

Well, you might as well go at it, hadn't you, ernest t.?

[Chuckles] right.

It's gonna be fun seein' irishmen fightin'.

Been havin' a little trouble with my hearin' lately.

Uh, what was that you just said?

I said it's gonna be fun seein' irishmen fightin'.

Who's t'other one? Why, malcolm.

Didn't you know his mother's irish?

Malcolm? Yeah.

His mother's irish? Yeah. From county cork.

[Gasps]

county cork?

Uh-huh.

Well, never let it be said

that ernest t. Bass ever spilled a drop of irish blood.

Not one drop of irish blood will ernest t. Bass ever be accused of spillin'.

Malcolm, I ain't gonna touch a hair on your head.

You're my friend, my true friend.

I don't care if you did take my job away from me

and ruin my matrimonial chances with my beloved romeena.

You're my friend, malcolm, my bosom pal!

I love you. I love you.

I love you!

You know, I still can't understand

his sudden change in attitude.

Well, it's just one of those things, I guess, malcolm.

Possibly, uh,

he realized at the last moment

[chuckling] he was about to meet his match, eh?

That could be it.

I see you, you can't see me. Peek-a-bee, it's ernest t.

[Chuckling]

howdy, sheriff.

Howdy, bosom pal.

Nice to see you, ernest.

I dropped by to invite you up to my cave to eat.

Got some posstum steaks, nice and tender.

Been beatin' at 'em with a stick.

(Malcolm) very kind of you.

There ain't nothin' too good for my bosom pal.

So gracious.

Say, tell me a thing, will you?

Just what part of county cork is your mommy from?

(Malcolm) I beg your pardon. I didn't quite catch that.

I say, what part of county cork is your mommy from?

[Laughing] she's not from county cork, ernest t.

She's from right near there.

No, no, no.

Mother was born blocks off piccadilly circus,

right in the heart of london.

London?

Then your mama ain't irish?

(Malcolm) good heavens, no.

Then you are a full-blooded englishter!

Ernest t. Let me at him.

Ernest t.!

[All shouting]

no, no, no. Ernest t.! Ernest t.!