06x17 - The Return of Barney Fife

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

hey, floss, does that look even?

Oh, it's perfecto, andy. Perfecto.

Oh, well, how are you kids doing?

Well, fine, just fine. Just fine. Thank you, floss.

Oh, good, I think we're pretty well set.

Now, where's my list? Oh, here it is.

Now, let's see, I got the food ordered

and mother's gonna make the punch.

Now, I checked with the band.

Well, what do you want me to do now, floss?

Well, why don't we pitch in and help the girls here with the name badges.

Once we finish with them, we'll be in pretty good shape. Ok.

Now, andy, these are the letters

from the people that are coming. Mmm-hmm.

You know, I think it's awful nice of you kids to help us out.

I mean, after all, it isn't your class reunion.

Well, that's all right. Oh, we're glad to help, floss.

Hey, old alfred kitcherly's coming back.

Remember, he used to drive that old essex with,

"hey, toots" written on the side.

Oh, wasn't he the one that blew up the chemistry class?

Yeah. (Floss) oh.

Mmm, sharon despain.

Seems to me, I remember that name.

Didn't you used to go out with her, andy?

We were in the civics club together.

A lot of folks I remember, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, a lot of folks I remember.

[Exclaiming]

hmm? Well, what do you know?

What? Guess, who's comin' back?

(Both) who?

Barney.

Barney! Barney fife!

Oh, how marvelous!

How wonderful!

Yeah, he's drivin' down from raleigh on friday.

Well, I better get the spare room fixed up.

And I better get some air freshener.

You know how barney is about air.

Well, I think I better get some anti-acid tablets.

He might forget his, hmm?

[Horn honking]

[bell ringing]

[car backfiring]

well. Yeah.

Good to see you!

Good to see you, ange.

Well, how you been?

Oh, just fine, fine, fine.

How you been? Fine.

I ought to give you a ticket, you know that? Why?

Parkin' on the wrong side of the road.

Yeah, you ought to, at that.

Well, it's good to see you. It's good to see you.

How's everybody? Fine, fine, fine. Yourself?

Fine. Good. Good.

Well, what is this? Is this a new car here?

Yeah, got myself a car.

Well, I'll be dogged. That's somethin'. Yeah.

Hey, what is this, a ' ?

Well, no, it's a ' . But it's a ' grille.

Oh, well, that's sharp.

Well, I was gonna buy a new one

but I figured, what the heck?

Let somebody else take the depreciation.

Them first years are m*rder, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Sure is a fine looking car.

Well.

Ah... Well... [Birds chirping]

how does it look to you?

You mean mayberry? Yeah.

Not bad, ange.

Not bad at all.

You know, you people that live in the small towns, you really got it made.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Well, you wanna... Yeah.

Yeah... Oh, wait a minute.

Here comes old man crowley.

I want to see the look on his face when he sees I'm back.

Mr. Crowley.

Mornin', andy, barney.

Well, he's gettin' old.

Yeah, he is. Mmm.

Well.

I'll be dogged. Yeah.

Same old courthouse.

Yeah, it's the same old courthouse.

Same old desk.

Same old desk.

Same chair.

Same chair.

[Sighing]

well, this is where it all began.

Yeah.

Well, what are you doin' now, barn?

You still with the state traffic?

Oh, no, no.

I got that promotion, you know. I'm movin' up.

Good. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm way up there now.

I got the big job. I'm in the prints.

In the prints? Fingerprints.

I'm in charge of a whole section. "N" to "r."

"Nabb" to "resisky."

That's the hot section, you know.

No, I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know why it is,

but your biggest criminal elements

fall right between those letters, "n" to "r."

Boy, the stories I could tell you!

I bet you could.

Well, it sounds like a good job.

Mmm. Big ones a week, plus at christmas.

No kiddin'.

How about you, ange?

How are things goin' with you?

Ah, you know, the same.

Yeah. Yeah. Can't complain.

[Chuckling]

yeah.

Well, i, uh,

heard you got yourself a new deputy.

Yeah, yeah. A fella, warren ferguson.

Mmm-hmm. Good. Good.

So, the big reunion's tomorrow night, huh?

Yeah. I'm lookin' forward to it.

Yeah. A lot of the g*ng gonna be there?

Yeah, yeah.

Kitcherly's coming. Peterson, rayburn. Different ones.

Uh-huh.

How about the... The girls?

Yeah, some of them are comin'. Mmm-hmm.

Well, it's nice to see the old g*ng every once in a while.

Of course, you wouldn't want to see them every day,

but, you know, once every few years,

just to compare notes, see how they're doin'.

What they've made of themselves, who made it.

(Both) who didn't.

Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah.

Thelma lou comin'?

Gee, we haven't heard from her yet.

She moved out of town about a month after you left.

She might show up though.

Mmm.

Mmm, she was a cute kid.

Yeah.

She was pretty fond of you, you know that?

Well, she was crazy about me, is what she was.

Yeah, I guess it shook her up pretty bad when I left town.

Yeah.

[Bee chattering]

see, we fixed it all up for you.

Well, now, I sure hate

to put you folks to all this trouble.

Barney, we wouldn't have it any other way! No.

I could have stayed at the hotel just as easy.

Oh, nonsense! No.

No problem at all. Just slap it on the old credit card.

I joined one of them.

You are comin' up, aren't you?

Well, a man changes with the times.

Here's your night light, barney.

[Clearing throat] well, i, uh, hope you didn't put that in just for me.

I mean, I can, take 'em or leave 'em.

We thought we'd just put one in.

Well, barney, don't you think you'd like to take a rest?

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

Listen, I brought along a few little things.

Oh. Oh, now, barney.

Now, a little something here.

Here you are, ope. Well.

Gee, barney! Well.

[Exhaling] thanks!

Oh! That's one of the official ink pads

we use at the print department.

Official? Yeah.

Well, gee, barney, thanks a lot! Yeah.

Aunt bee. Oh, barney, now, you shouldn't have!

Let's see. Oh, handkerchiefs.

Oh, they are beautiful.

Oh, aren't they nice?

They're imported.

Well, I can see that!

Come from tijuana.

Oh, barney, that was so thoughtful.

Ange.

[Exclaiming]

(opie) open it, pa. Well, I'm going to.

[Exclaiming] a tie clip!

[Andy exclaiming]

gee, thanks.

Well, now you can wear that

when you get dressed up tomorrow night. Well, I will.

A lot of people clip 'em

right on the front of their shirt even when they don't wear a tie.

It's smart.

Well...

Huh?

Just lovely.

Now, barney, I know you want to get some rest.

Now, we haven't planned anything special for tonight.

Helen's coming over and we're just gonna sit around and talk.

Oh, that's just fine.

All right, now, then andy and opie, go on. You shoo out.

Well, ok. Come on, ope. Bye, barney!

Go on. Let barney get some rest. He's had...

Had a long drive.

[Sighing]

well.

Well, that was some meal, huh?

Yeah. Aunt bee really laid it on the table tonight, didn't she?

Oh, it was delicious.

Yeah, boy.

Say, helen looks good. Thanks.

She looks different.

She got her hair munched up, you know.

Anything cookin' with you ?

Well, you know... Sort of...

Yeah, yeah. Good, good.

[Sighing] yeah.

[Crickets chirping]

ah! Smell that honeysuckle.

Mmm. Nice.

[Phone ringing]

(helen) I'll get it.

Well, thanks, helen.

Well, you wanna... Yeah.

So, things are really swinging for you up there in raleigh, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You know, you ought to pop up there sometime, ange.

You could stay right there at the "y" with me as my guest.

Well, maybe I'll do that.

I got a corner room now.

Hmm.

I guess you got a pretty big social life, huh?

Oh, yeah, that phone never stops ringin'.

I'm up and down that hall all night long.

You know how it is for a single guy in a big city.

Figure it out for yourself.

Yeah.

Just go, go, go.

Yeah. Just go, go, go.

Yeah.

[Sniffing] mmm.

Well, thelma lou's not comin', huh?

Gee, I don't guess so.

Hmm, well,

that's too bad.

She'd get a kick out of seein' how I've come up in the world.

[Barney clearing throat] yeah.

You still sweet on her?

Oh, no, no.

[Chuckling]

no, no, once it's gone, it's gone, ange.

You can't go back.

Mmm.

Of course,

sometimes a man wonders.

Yeah.

Well, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.

Yeah, I am, too. Yeah.

Good old mayberry high school, huh?

Yeah, a good school.

Yeah, we had some fine times there, you know?

Yes, it's a good old school.

♪ [Humming]

♪ union high ♪

(both) ♪ victory is yours well nigh ♪

♪ we'll hit the line for points every time ♪

♪ the orange and blue will try, try ♪

♪ try, try ♪

♪ and when the victory's won ♪

♪ you'll be our favorite son ♪

♪ proud waves your banner ♪

♪ in the sky ♪

♪ mayberry ♪

♪ union ♪

♪ high ♪

it was a long time ago, you know that?

Yeah.

Seems like yesterday.

Yeah.

That was floss.

She just got a telegram all the way from jacksonville.

Guess who's coming? Who?

Thelma lou.

She is?

Well, ain't that somethin'!

How about that, ange?

She's comin'! Old thel's comin'.

I'll bet anything she heard I was gonna be here!

Come on, barn, we're gonna be late.

(Barney) ok, I'm comin'!

He hasn't changed much.

Still the slowest man in the world.

There you are.

Yeah! Look all right?

Indeed you do.

You always look good with that suit on, pa.

Thanks.

(Andy) well, there he is.

Sorry I took so long, ange.

Well, you sure do look good. Oh, well, thanks.

Gee, that suit looks better than ever, barney.

Of course, I bought me one of them italian suits

to wear in raleigh,

but for dancin', this one's just perfect.

You know, for the dips and everything.

Well, a shirt with your initials on it, huh?

Well, you both look fine.

Like high school boys off to your first prom.

Well, you ready?

Yeah, all set. Well, let's go.

Now, you boys drive carefully. We will.

And have a good time. (Both) ok.

And don't stay out too late. Yeah.

We won't, mama.

Not too late. Bye.

♪ [Band playing chattanooga choo-choo]

[people chattering]

orchestra sounds good, huh?

Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Mrs. Hopsell plays regularly with them now, doesn't she?

Yeah, except on friday nights when the library's open.

My, I'm anxious to see thelma lou.

Yeah, it'll be like old times, won't it?

You and me, thelma lou and barney. Yeah.

Where is barney?

He's over there talking to his old teachers.

Of course, it's a whole new world up there.

I mean, it's so different, it's hard to explain.

It's all automation, computers and electronics.

I got probably the most important section, that's "n" to "r."

A lot of responsibility, but that's the way I like it.

Do you have to do any spelling in that job, barney?

Well, no, not much.

How do you spell "necessary," barney?

Necessary?

Well, uh, n-e-c, uh...

Well, look, I got an assistant that does all that.

I think barney was more interested in football anyway.

That's right, miss fenton. All the contact sports. Anything rough and tumble.

Do you still get nosebleeds, barney?

Well... (Floss) helen!

Oh, I'd better go help floss. Oh, well...

[All cheering]

uh, excuse me, i... [Clearing throat]

ange, what time is it?

Uh, I don't know. About, uh, : .

Well, don't worry. She'll show up.

Who?

Thelma lou.

I wasn't even thinkin' about her.

Hmm.

[Sighing]

ange, is that bonnie johnson?

Oh, yeah.

Boy, she sure put the weight on, didn't she?

Yeah, she always was kind of hefty, remember?

Yeah.

Well, when she got married she stopped fightin' it.

That's what happens. Yeah.

Hey, barn.

Hmm.

Why,

it's old thel.

Yeah.

Excuse me, ange.

Yeah.

Barney.

Barney, barney, barney.

How are you?

You... You're looking wonderful.

Well, thanks.

Gee, you'll never know how often I've thought about you, barney.

I've thought a lot about you, too, thel.

Well, it's wonderful to see you.

You look just

wonderful.

Thanks.

♪ [Band resumes playing]

uh, would you like to dance?

Well, all right.

[Clearing throat] you know, thel, i... I really felt bad

about not writing to you all that time,

but you just can't imagine how busy I've been.

Well, that's all right, barney.

I understand. Yeah.

Well, a lot of big things

have been happenin' for me, career-wise.

Gee, that... That sounds pretty exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, the future looks pretty rosy.

It looks pretty rosy.

You do look sort of different.

Successful.

Oh, well, i... Well! Initials.

Oh.

Yeah, well, if I was stayin' longer,

I would've brought one of my italian suits.

You know, pockets on the slant.

Yes, I've seen them.

Thelma lou!

Oh, hi, floss!

Oh, did you just get here?

Just a few minutes ago.

Well, come along with me.

All you kids have got to register and get your name badges.

Oh. Will you excuse us a minute, barney?

Oh, I'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, sure, sure.

[Thelma and floss chattering] (floss) oh, did you have a good trip?

Where's thelma lou?

Well, she'll be right back. Floss got a hold of her.

Oh.

Well, how's she look to you?

Well, she looks just great.

Well, you saw her, ange. Yeah.

She looks great, don't you think? Yes, she does.

Is, um, is it still there?

Well, I'm not sayin' it is and I'm not sayin' it ain't.

I ain't gonna rush into anything.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

She's still crazy about me.

Yeah? I can tell.

Hey.

Andy.

Hi, thelma lou.

How are you? Fine.

Andy taylor, barney fife,

I'd like you to meet my husband, gerald whitfield.

(Gerald) hi, how do you do?

(Andy) hi.

Nice to know you.

Well, gee, i... I didn't know you were married, thelma lou.

Uh, when did that happen?

Weeks ago.

Oh, weeks, huh?

Well, that's... That's wonderful.

Just... Just wonderful.

Isn't that... Isn't that wonderful, barn?

Yeah, that's just wonderful.

[People chattering]

you all right?

[Slurring] all right. Just don't worry about me.

Just go on, enjoy the party.

Don't worry about me. I'm gettin' along fine.

I'm gettin' along just fine.

I'm sorry, barn.

I know it must have been a shock.

Sure it was a shock. So what?

It wasn't the first woman in my life, won't be the last.

That's the way life is, ange. It's a rough life.

You can't cry about it.

She was the only girl I ever loved, ange.

She's the only one I ever will love.

I had plans.

I had big plans.

[Sighing] now, come on, barn.

Well, don't worry about it, ange. I'll get over it.

If I can't do it one way, I'll do it another.

If you're trying to get drunk, you won't do it that way.

What do you mean?

There's nothin' in the punch but fruit juice.

Who's tryin' to get drunk?

I'm just thirsty, that's all.

How is it, andy? Is it a nice party? Yeah.

Are you enjoying yourself? Yeah, very much, floss.

[Exclaiming] it is. Oh, isn't it exciting

about thelma lou getting married?

Oh, I think her husband is so cute.

Isn't he just a doll? We... We met... We met him.

He's got a good job, too, you know.

He's foreman on a wrecking crew.

Oh, there's nettie. Nettie dear, come here, dear.

Oh, boys, here's someone

that I bet you don't remember.

Nettie albright. Who me? Coming!

How are you, nettie?

I see you're a blonde now.

Barney fife.

You know, I've been wanting to talk to you.

I understand just wonderful things have been happening to you.

You got that big job up in raleigh

and you're doing so well.

[Clearing throat] well, yeah, I guess so.

Well, I just want to say it's no surprise to me.

It isn't?

Oh, no. I always knew you'd do well

even back at union.

Oh, I had such faith in you, you can't imagine.

You did?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Well, I can tell you this now.

Back at school, you were always my idol.

I wanted to vote for you

for the one most likely to succeed.

But they talked me out of it.

You know somethin', nettie?

You look better as a blonde.

Well, I do have more fun.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, barney, I'd love to.

Excuse us, will you, ange? Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Lots been going on up there in raleigh.

Of course, it's a big town. A lot of wild life, you know.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

(Andy and barney) ♪ ...favorite son ♪

♪ proud waves your banner in the sky ♪

♪ mayberry ♪

♪ union ♪

♪ high ♪

[crickets chirping]

[car backfiring]

well, that was quite an evenin', wasn't it?

Yeah, quite an evenin'.

Yeah.

Gee, that was somethin' about thelma lou

bein' married, wasn't it?

[Clearing throat] yeah.

Did you get a good look at that nettie albright?

Yeah, she's really somethin', isn't she?

You could say that again.

Yeah, looks like you made a connection there.

Oh, well, I think she's had it for me for a long time.

She's a nice kid.

You know, she lives right there in asheville.

That's just a few hours from raleigh.

Well, why don't you drive up there sometime?

Well, I will, if I ever get the time.

Of course, you know how it is up there in raleigh.

It's wild.

Just go, go, go, all the time. Yeah.

Yeah.

Wanna go in? Yeah.