06x18 - The Legend of Barney Fife

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

well, I guess I better go down to the courthouse.

Well, aren't you going to wait for barney?

Way he was carryin' on at the reunion last night,

he's liable to sleep the clock around.

Well, there's plenty of time.

Warren can take care of things down at the courthouse, can't he?

Yeah, I suppose.

Got a cup of coffee for a passin' hobo?

[Andy chuckling]

well, look'ee there. It's alive and walks and talks and everything.

[Chuckling] yeah. You sit right down.

Did you sleep well? Sure he did.

Look how rested he looks.

I mean, a strange bed and everything.

Yeah, didn't have a bit of trouble.

Just laid right down, went right out.

That's the sign of a clear conscience.

Well, you know how some people toss and turn, but not me.

Just down, out. Like a light.

Like a light.

The mattress wasn't too hard, hmm?

He said he slept fine.

Next time, we'll change with andy.

I do want you to be comfortable.

You've come such a long way.

You don't have to go right back, do you? You can stay a while.

Well, that depends on my car, ange.

Havin' trouble with my fuel pump.

(Andy) oh.

You know, goober's lookin' it over.

Well, you will have time to come down

to the courthouse and meet warren, won't you?

Oh. You mean the fella that took over my job as deputy.

Yeah.

[Clearing throat] how's he doin' at it?

Well, as a matter of fact...

You don't have to say another word, ange.

Impossible to replace key personnel.

Especially that deputy's job.

It's way beyond what the ordinary man can handle.

But warren's doing a wonderful job.

He is?

Yeah, he's working out fine.

I'll get the keys and we'll go.

Well, I'm awful glad the new deputy's workin' out so well.

Oh, yes. He's a graduate of the sheriff's academy.

He was th in his class.

Andy was even able to take off weeks last fall.

Something he was never able to do before.

Well... Well, it was, you know, it was a very slow period.

Uh, I think you'll like warren very much.

Well, let's go.

Or do you want to wait and finish your breakfast?

No, I'll grab a bite later.

Listen, ange, you know, I've been thinkin'.

And i... I really better head on back to raleigh.

[Exclaiming] well, you know, I'm the only one

that's familiar with them fingerprint files.

Well, you said your section was just from "n" to "r."

Yeah, but that could cause a bottleneck

if it's not handled proper.

Well, couldn't you stay just a little while?

Well, I'd... I'd... I'd love to, really.

But, you know, duty calls.

Can I use your phone? Well...

[Clearing throat]

hi, sarah?

Uh, get me goober down at the filling station.

Yeah, it's me.

I'm fine.

[Clearing throat]

no, I haven't met him.

Yes, I understand he's very capable.

Just... Just get me goober.

[Phone ringing]

hello?

Oh, hey, barn!

I just got your fuel pump out.

Yeah, it's a mess.

You're gonna need a new one. Have to send to mt. Pilot for it.

Well, put the old pump back on.

I got to get back to raleigh.

But it took me hours to get it out.

Well, ok.

Well, it'll take me about an hour.

I got other work I got to get out first.

An hour?

Oh, good. Then you'll have time.

Hey, go... Goob?

Listen, when the car's ready,

call barney at the courthouse, ok?

Right, right. That's good.

Well, come on.

Barney, you'll like warren very much.

Come on in, barn.

[Door closing]

well, where's mr. Wonderful?

He's probably over at the crossin'.

He'll be along in a little bit.

Barn, there's somethin' I want to tell you about...

I know, I know. He's a graduate of the sheriff's academy.

Oh, did you hear that?

Well, did you... Did you also hear...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, th in his class.

A regular captain marvel.

That's not what I wanted to tell you, barn.

See, you're really gonna enjoy

[car door closing] meeting warren because...

[Clearing throat]

here he comes. Now, you'll see for yourself.

Mornin', andy.

Warren, I'd like you to meet barney fife.

Barney, this is warren ferguson.

Howdy.

Boy, this certainly is a pleasure!

I've heard some wonderful things about you.

Huh? Yeah, I've been looking forward to this.

You know, you're... You're about the best known deputy

in the whole darn county.

[Chuckling]

yeah, well, I mean it.

You're in the way of bein'

a... A living legend around here.

"Living legend."

Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

Are you kiddin' me? Don't kid me.

I've been pourin' over those reports of yours.

They're beautiful, that's what they are, barney.

Just beautiful.

Why, they'd make a textbook for any lawman in the country.

Well, I suppose...

Would you like some coffee?

All I have to do is heat it.

Yeah, I might have a cup.

I'll get it for you.

I take mine with...

I know exactly, uh, lumps of sugar and a little cream.

Uncle floyd told me.

I'll have it for you in a jiffy.

You are going to stay around town for a while, aren't you, barney?

Well...

I sure would like to hear those experiences you had when you were a deputy.

I guess there's no real rush to get back.

Oh, it's up to you.

I'll get the coffee.

That's what I wanted to tell you about warren.

He kind of goes overboard on the subject of barney fife.

"A living legend."

Well, I hope he's not gonna disturb you,

goin' on like that.

No, no. I mean, it's a natural thing.

Lots of fellows have themselves an idol.

[Sniffing] I had one myself when I was a kid.

I didn't know that, who was it?

Skeets gallagher.

Skeets gallagher?

Yeah, sidekick to tailspin tommy.

Oh, oh.

Well, anyway, I feel it only fair to warn you

that when warren comes back,

he's gonna wanna hear just about everything you ever did.

I'm afraid he's gonna pester you to death.

Yeah, well, I suppose.

But, you know, noblesse oblige.

[Clearing throat]

sarah, get me goober.

You know that warren's got a lot of moxie.

Yeah.

Say, goob.

Oh, barn, I was just gonna call you.

I put my other work aside and got that fuel pump

on again for you, knowing you was in a hurry.

You ain't?

Take it off?

Well, yeah, a new one would be better, but...

Well, ok.

Here's your coffee, barney, just the way you like it.

Lumps of sugar and a little cream.

Well, thanks.

Now, you were askin' me about my experiences as a deputy.

Well, when they first pinned on the old badge...

Barney, uh, would you excuse me for just about minutes?

I've got to run next door to uncle floyd's barber shop.

Right now? Yeah.

Well, the thing is, you see, his vibrator's on the blink

and I promised him I'd fix it. That was over an hour ago.

I'll be right back. Well, maybe, I could go with you.

That'll be great.

Yeah. Uh, see you later, ange.

Well, you were askin' me about my experiences...

Well, when they first pinned on the old badge...

So, I winged him from a prone position...

Oh, hi, farley.

Hi, barn.

Enjoy yourself at the reunion last night?

Oh, yeah, it was just great.

Farley's come over to get a list

of everybody that was there.

Looks like you're gonna get your name in the paper.

Hey, farley, you know, if you want a story,

how about, uh, barney fife being back in town?

Call it the, uh, "living legend returns."

Oh, now, warren.

And you could have pictures and everything.

Well, it's... It's kind of late.

Well, a picture of barney might

go good with your story, farley.

Well, gee, andy, I don't know.

No.

Well, if it's too late.

Of course, if you insist.

Ok, I'll go dig up my camera.

I'll pick up that list when I get back.

Ok, farley.

[Clearing throat]

[door closing] know what'd make it a fine picture?

If you had brought your uniform.

Of course, I don't imagine you brought that.

Well, it just, uh, just so happens I did pack it.

You didn't?

Well, it was hangin' in the closet

and I had room in the suitcase.

I didn't know whether there'd be any occasion.

That makes it perfect, andy!

Look, barney, I'll drive you over, and you can change.

Oh, andy, this is gonna be a great day for mayberry.

Well, here he is.

Well, you look great, barn.

It's just like old times.

Well, let's do it.

Uh, I think it'd be better if we took the picture outside.

Ok. Sure, right in front of the courthouse, huh?

Well? Huh?

Yeah.

Well, let's go.

I'll be right with you. I wanna...

Oh. Oh, ok.

[Door closing]

[phone ringing]

sheriff's office.

Warden hix at the county work farm.

We just had a prisoner escape.

He came from out your way. Figured he might just show up back there.

Oh, escaped prisoner, huh?

Yeah. Avery noonan.

Avery noonan.

Oh, yeah, I remember. About a year back.

I'm the one that got him sent up.

That you, barney?

What are you doin' back?

Oh, a little vacation.

Well, boy, you sure picked a bad time for it.

All avery talked about all year

was how he wanted to bust out

and even things up with you.

How much longer are you gonna be around there?

Well, I don't know.

Let's just hope he don't find out you're in town.

He's mean, barney.

Big and mean.

Real mean.

What's he doin' in there?

Well, he really must be dollin' himself up.

I'll see what's keepin' him.

Barn, we're waitin' for you.

Uh, yeah.

Well, farley wants to get the picture.

By tonight, , loyal readers will know barney fife's back.

Yeah, well, uh, you know, I've been thinkin', ange,

that maybe I ought to pass up that picture and the story.

Pass it up?

Yeah, well, you... You know, it could be considered

uh, well, pushy, and, you know, I'm not that type.

Oh, I don't see it that way at all.

You got a lot of friends here.

I know, I know, but I'd like to play it my way,

if you don't mind.

Well, no, if you feel that strongly about it.

I do.

So if you wouldn't mind just telling farley, uh...

No, I'll tell him.

Hmm.

[Door closing]

[phone ringing]

sheriff's office.

You said you want barney fife?

No! He went back to raleigh.

I don't think he'll ever come back

to this part of the state, ever.

Goober?

Oh, I'm glad you called.

Well, how come you was talkin' so funny?

Oh, it was a joke, huh?

Yeah, that's real funny, barney.

Uh, say, what I called you about

was I got that fuel pump off like you wanted

and I'll be getting one in from mt. Pilot in the morning.

Put it back on?

The old one?

The one I just took off?

Yes, sir.

[Sighing]

I'm sorry, but we're dealin' with a crazy man.

I don't understand it.

Well, if barney doesn't want his picture taken, that's ok by me.

See you, andy. See you, farley.

[Horns honking]

the first time I ever heard of barney walkin' away from a camera.

[Door opening]

(andy) hey, barn.

That is you, isn't it?

Well, I thought we might be getting some rain.

So I borrowed your raincoat. I hope you don't mind.

No, but there's no sign of rain.

Well, I can't take that chance.

But the skies are clear. That's what'll fool you.

Listen, ange, I've been thinkin'.

You know, I really better be headin' back to raleigh

because of the fingerprint files and all.

I'm just not comfortable when somebody else is handling them.

Oh, come on, barn. So I'm going to the house and pack.

I'll see you.

How you doin', goob?

I got the fuel pump back on barney's car.

Good.

You know he's crazy.

Well...

[Birds chirping]

you comin' in?

Yeah.

Aunt bee?

Aunt bee?

Shh. Barney's sleeping.

Sleepin'?

Shh! He's been up in the guest room all afternoon.

Well, that's strange.

Goober's got his car ready. I better go get him up.

Well, it seems a shame when he's sleeping so soundly.

Shh!

[Knock on door]

who's there?

(Andy) it's me. You awake?

Oh, yeah. Uh, just a second.

Aunt bee said you were asleep.

[Clearing throat] I had to move that. I dropped a collar button.

Oh.

Well, goober's here with your car.

Oh. Well, uh...

Excuse me.

Uh, your car's all ready, barney.

It's out front in the driveway. Oh, well, good.

Well, goodbye, everyone.

I had a good time and I'll drop a line...

Wait, I made a bag of sandwiches for you.

Oh, well, no need for that.

Oh, they're all ready.

[Muttering] what's your hurry, barn?

[Phone ringing] I'm not here, I've gone!

Now, you wait... Wait... Wait just a minute.

[Clearing throat] hello?

Yes, warden.

No kiddin'.

What is it, andy?

No, I didn't hear about it.

(Goober) uh, what is it, andy?

Uh, warden hix says that a fellow named avery noonan

escaped from the county work farm

and he was seen hopping a southbound train.

He thinks he may be headed this way.

Well, what do you know?

[Whistling]

uh, yes, warden?

You mean barney didn't tell you?

Is he still there?

Well, I'm surprised after what I told him

about avery bein' out to get him.

Guess he likes to live dangerously, huh?

I told him when I called up at noon.

Well, keep in touch.

Uh, right, warden.

Thanks. Bye.

[Clearing throat]

here you are, barney.

And I put the tuna fish on top of the salad dressing.

Well, that's... That's fine.

Andy.

Andy, I just got a call from the stationmaster.

He says, some fella by the name of avery noonan

is sneakin' around down by the depot.

Yeah?

And here is the topper, andy.

This noonan fella is supposed to be doing

years at the county work farm.

Yeah, I heard.

Barney, I brought the old g*n.

I knew you'd want to get in on this one.

Well, I'd sure just love to,

but i, uh, I got to get back. I'll see you.

[All clamoring]

gee, barney, I'm sure we can wrap it up...

[All chattering] barney.

Don't drive too fast. That fuel pump's not the best.

[Birds chirping]

you sure you don't want to change your mind, barney?

I only wish I could, warren.

There's nothing I'd like better

than to be out on the hunt again, you know,

closing in on the quarry,

but we can't always do the things we want to do.

[Engine cranking]

[clanking]

what is it, goober?

Fuel pump fell off.

Well, put it back on!

Well, I can't.

I've had to take it off and put it on so much, the fittings wore out.

It's not my fault.

How long will it take you to fix it?

Well, tomorrow sometime. I have to get new fittings.

Hey, that makes it just great.

Then you can go with us, barney.

Here, let me strap this on for you.

Boy, this is gonna make it feel like old times, huh?

[Mumbling] well, warren, maybe barney's got something else to do.

Yeah, maybe I do.

Oh, I know, you probably don't want to steal any of the glory.

Yeah, that's right.

But that's ok with me, barn.

I can just imagine how anxious you are

to get back in the harness. Let's go, huh?

Well...

Come on, barn. I think it'll be all right.

We're off, barney. Now, come on. Come on.

Uh, well.

Hold it down.

I think if we surprise him, there won't be much trouble.

Right. Barney, lead on.

Now, wait a minute.

We can't all go rushin' in there.

Barney, you stay out here and monitor the radio.

You mean you want him to stay here?

By the car?

Well, something might come in. Yeah, that's right.

In case you flush him out of the depot,

this could be a trouble spot.

But... But that's ok. I don't mind.

I'll go it alone.

Barney, you mean you don't want to move in with us?

Well... Come on.

I can't understand it, andy.

He seemed to want to stay by the car.

Look, we need somebody.

Could I have been wrong about him, andy?

Could the whole town have been wrong about him?

Warren, we've got a job to do. Come on.

Here I was thinkin' he was a brave man, a living legend and all.

He seems to want to play it safe.

He's as brave as they come.

Now, we... We'll talk about that some other time.

Now you go around the back and I'll go in here.

Go on, go on.

[Clattering]

[door closing]

well.

[Gasping]

(avery) barney fife.

Listen, maybe we can just talk this over.

There's nothin' to talk about.

[Stuttering]

all right, all right! You give up?

Come on, get up. Just get up.

Great work, barn. You got him.

All right, avery, on your feet.

Yeah, on your feet.

All right, get up. Back up over there.

Yeah, back up.

Oh, that's great, just great.

What happened?

Old injun trick, right, barn?

Yeah.

Making him think you're stayin' out by the car.

You shouldn't have hit him so hard though.

You knocked all the breath out of him.

Yeah, I guess so. It was just a reflex.

How'd you do it, barney?

Well, like andy said, old injun trick.

When he come at me, I just, pow!

, , Right in the breadbasket.

He didn't even use his p*stol.

Really, barney? No need, not when I got these babies.

All right, avery, let's go.

Jeez, barney, that was great.

Well, when I seen him comin' at me from behind,

m*rder in his eye,

I just spun around, stepped forward,

weight on the balls of my feet

and I let him have it right in the breadbasket.

That's... That's the only way to handle them babies.

You'll learn.

Yeah, I expect he'll be away for quite a long time.

Ok, come on over, bring your camera.

Right, hmm.

Farley comin' over?

Are you kiddin'? This is front page stuff. Yeah.

Listen, when you talk to him,

uh, kinda swing the credit to warren for the capture there, will you?

Swing the credit to warren?

He wasn't even close by.

Yeah, I know, but, uh,

sometimes it's, uh...

It don't hurt to shade things a little

when you wanna help somebody.

Yeah, I suppose.

After all, ange, I've had my place in the sun here

for a lot of years,

and now a nice fellow like that comes along...

A little pat on the back will make him feel good.

It's his town out there now, ange,

well, it's... It's not mine.

Well, I'll see if farley's come.

A true living legend, that barney fife.

I mean, he's somethin', isn't he, andy?

Yes, he is.

He really is.