06x26 - The County Clerk

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

do I have to sweep the backroom up too, pa?

Sure, you have to sweep the backroom.

The deal is you sweep the courthouse.

The backroom's part of the courthouse.

Ok, pa, I was just checkin'. Oh.

[Sighing] oh, well,

[mumbling] that beats me, I don't know.

What's wrong, pa?

I can't find the accident reports.

The county clerk wants the accident reports for the last years.

You know, howard sprague?

Oh.

What's he need 'em for? Who knows?

That mr. Sprague's kind of a funny fellow, isn't he, pa?

What do you mean?

Well, all the kids think so.

You know he can't throw a baseball.

He can't?

No.

We were playin' ball near his house one day,

and the ball went in his yard,

and he threw it back just like aunt bee.

[Chuckles]

get the corners.

Oh, ok.

You went to high school with him, didn't you, pa?

Yeah.

I never got to know him too well, though.

Was he the same then as he is now?

Yeah.

Always kinda kept to himself.

Well, I'll just have to take over what I've got.

How long you gonna be, pa?

About a half hour.

Well... I'm almost done.

Can I get my quarter now?

Hmm.

When I was a kid, we used to sweep up a room for a nickel.

Kids weren't as smart then as they are now, were they, pa?

[Chuckles] here.

Thanks, pa. Ok.

[Door closes]

hi. Hello.

Is, uh, howard sprague around?

No, he moved next door into a larger office.

They just haven't changed the signs yet.

Oh.

You must be sheriff taylor.

That's right.

I'm irene fairchild,

the new county health officer.

Oh, well, nice to meet you.

You know, I was gonna come over to the courthouse

and introduce myself.

Well, I'm glad I came in the wrong office.

[Laughing] I saved you a walk.

Nice to meet you. Nice meeting you.

And welcome to mayberry. Well, thank you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Afternoon, howard.

Oh, hello there, andy.

How you doin'?

Fine.

Long time no see.

Yeah.

Here are these, uh, reports you wanted. Oh, good.

' Is missin',

but if it's important, I can keep lookin' for it.

Well, yes, it is quite important that I get all of them.

I'm making a chart

on the, uh, relation between accidents

and population growth.

Oh.

It's a sort of a statistical study.

I'm, uh, doing it on my own time as sort of a hobby.

Oh.

It would seem to me that accidents would increase

in direct proportion to the population.

Yes, you would think that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Well, my figures up to now indicate there's a . % Differential.

No kiddin'. It's rather surprising, isn't it?

Yeah.

I was flabbergasted.

You must've been.

I guess all this is sort of in line with your work.

Oh, yes, yes.

Facts and figures, facts and figures.

Births, deaths, marriages, property ownership.

I have my finger on the pulse of whatever happens in the county.

[Door opening] hmm.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Hello.

I'm not interrupting anything, am i?

Oh, not at all, miss fairchild.

Mr. Sprague, I was cleaning out my files,

and, uh... Uh, I found this undershirt.

I guess it's yours.

[Laughing] oh, yes.

I took it off one day when it was rather warm.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Well, bye.

Goodbye. Bye.

(Howard) thank you.

It's rather embarrassing.

[Chuckling] yeah.

Hey, she's, uh...

[Clearing throat] she's all right, huh?

Miss fairchild? Yeah.

Hmm, yes, she is.

Looks like an old bachelor like you

might like to try to make a little time there.

[Laughing] oh, andy, with all the work I have to do,

[laughing] who... Who... Who's got the time?

Yeah, well...

Oh, andy, you won't forget those ' reports, now, will you?

Oh, no, no, no. I'll, uh, I'll dig 'em up.

[Door opening]

mother.

Hello, howard.

Andy, you remember mother, don't you?

Yes.

How are you, mrs. Sprague?

Hello, andrew.

Very well, thank you.

I was just on my way to the beauty shop,

and I thought I'd come in and remind you

not to be too late coming home tonight.

We're playing bridge with the albrights at : .

Oh, yes! I'm glad you reminded me.

So, this is your new office, howard.

I hope you'll be able to concentrate here.

You know, andrew, howard's work is quite different than yours.

Howard has to work with his mind.

Have you had your lunch, howard?

Oh, now, don't tell me you skipped it again today.

Oh, no, mother. I had lunch.

Now, I hope not just a malted milk and a grilled cheese.

You've got to have a hot meal.

It was hot.

Are you wearing your undershirt?

[Chuckling]

what are you laughing about, andy?

Oh, nothin'. I was just...

I was just thinkin' about howard sprague.

I was over at his office today. He's quite a character.

Yeah, I've met him. Yeah.

I went through high school with him, you know.

Oh, did you? Yeah.

He always was strange.

Oh, in what way?

Oh, I don't know.

He kinda always kept to himself,

never went out much, he never did much.

Most of the time just went straight home.

Gee, I wonder why.

His mother. Oh.

I was in the office today when she came in.

Boy, she's got him tied to her apron strings,

and there's very little slack.

Oh, isn't that a shame.

[Laughing]

funny thing about him,

he cares about people and what happens to 'em.

Got it all right there in his file cabinet,

but there's a pretty girl in the office next to him,

and, uh, he doesn't pay much attention to her.

Oh, who's that?

Uh, irene fairchild. New county nurse.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I met her.

She was out at the school giving the kids vaccinations. Huh.

We had lunch together.

She's very nice.

Yeah, she seems to be. Hmm.

You know, she doesn't know anybody much in town yet.

I... I was thinking it might be a very nice idea

if we ask her out to dinner with us some night.

Why not?

Good.

Why don't we ask howard sprague to come along?

Oh, come on. What?

Now, let... No, let's not go into anything like that. Well, why?

Because I don't want to get mixed up

in gettin' blind dates for people.

Oh, andy, it wouldn't be a blind date. They know each other.

That's right, they do.

They know each other, and... And they're old enough

to know if they want to go out with one another,

so let's put a big "no" on that part of it.

I think it would be a very nice idea.

Well, I don't want to get involved in that.

Talk about being stubborn.

No, no, I'm not being stubborn.

I'm what you might call... I'm refusing to do it.

All right.

[Chuckling]

you b*at everything, you know that?

Well...

Wanna go to the show?

No.

Want to take a walk?

No.

You feel all right?

Yeah.

I'll ask him tomorrow.

(Man) you don't understand, I gotta invite her.

It's... It's elmer carson's first cousin!

And she's your old girlfriend, too!

You went with her years before you went with me.

What difference does that make?

It's you I'm marrying.

That's what you think!

Eunice graver is not coming to my wedding!

Well, that suits me just fine!

And you can tear up that thing, too!

[Door slams]

well...

Looks like the county just lost $ .

Oh, I don't know.

They might be back.

You think so?

Happens all the time.

They'll be fine right up to the time

they start fillin' out the application, you know,

and then all of a sudden it hits 'em, "this is it."

And one of 'em will pick a fight over nothin' at all.

Happens all the time, huh?

Well, the actual figure is . % Of the time,

but lots of times they'll get a couple blocks down the street

and realize how silly they've been

and come right back.

[Laughing]

look, howard, the reason i, uh, I came by

is that helen...

You know, crump...

And I were thinkin' about going out to morelli's to supper tonight,

and we was wondering if you'd like to come with us.

Well, that's very nice of you to ask.

Well, now, of course, if you're busy...

Tonight, huh?

Yeah, we were thinking about asking irene fairchild to come with us.

Oh, miss fairchild.

Yeah. Now, if you and your mother have other plans...

Oh, no, no, no!

[Stuttering] it'll be just fine.

Um, let me call mother and make sure.

Fine.

Sarah, would you get me my mother, please?

Oh, she's fine.

Hello, mother?

There are no plans for tonight, are there?

No, no, we have none at all, dear.

What did you have in mind, a movie?

You're what?

With a girl?

Oh, I see.

Oh, no, no, that's quite all right, howard.

Don't give it another thought.

Goodbye.

Well, I guess I'll pick you up about : .

Fine.

[Both laughing]

oh, uh... Mr. Sprague.

We, uh... We thought it over,

and we decided to fill out that application after all.

Didn't we, honey?

[Giggling]

you sure know your business, howard.

Hello, andrew. Come in. Good evening, mrs. Sprague. Thank you.

Is, uh, is howard ready yet?

In a minute. Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Howard tells me you've, um...

You've arranged a date for him.

Well, yes, sort of.

I don't encourage howard to go out very much.

He still has his career to think of, you know.

Oh, well, I can certainly understand that.

And he's doing such wonderful work.

Yes, he is.

[Door opening]

all ready, andy.

Oh, good. Well, we'll... We'll go.

What are you gonna do, mother?

Oh, I'll just putter around.

When you get older, I guess you have to get used to being alone.

Well, look, uh...

Uh, now, don't you worry.

I'll amuse myself... Somehow.

Why don't you look at t.v.?

No.

No, I think I'll be all right.

Well, I guess we'd better be running.

Yeah.

Of course.

Ok.

Good night, mother. Good night, dear.

Uh, good night, mrs. Sprague.

Now... Now, don't you worry.

I... I know I'm going to feel much better.

Aren't you feeling well?

Oh, it's nothing. Just...

Just a little headache.

You're not having one of your spells?

No. No... No, dear

and i-i-if I do, dr. Burnside is as near as the phone.

We better be going, howard. Uh, yes.

[Stuttering] well, I'll check with you later, mother.

That won't be necessary, howard.

Well...

Ok.

[Mrs. Sprague groaning]

oh, it's nothing.

[Inhaling sharply] nothing, just those...

Those sh**ting pains in my neck.

Now, run along and have a good time.

(Helen) irene?

Uh-huh? Oh

would you get the top hook for me, please? Sure.

Oh, thank you. I'm sorry,

I can never seem to get ready on time.

Oh, that's all right.

You know, I'm kinda surprised

that mr. Sprague accepted the invitation for tonight.

Oh, why?

I don't know. He just doesn't seem like the going-out type.

Oh, well, you can never tell, it might open up a whole new world for him.

[Doorbell ringing] [laughing] that's true.

Oh, would you get that, irene? I'll hurry just as fast as I can.

Certainly.

Hello. Hi.

Come on in, sheriff. Mr. Sprague. Hello, miss fairchild.

Now, before we go any farther, it's andy.

Andy.

And the same goes for me.

Howard.

Fine.

Uh, helen'll be ready in a minute.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

[Laughing] oh, excuse me.

Why don't you... Yeah. Excuse me.

Oh.

Thank you.

[Clearing throat]

[sighing]

well, I'll tell you one thing.

We sure ought to have a lot of fun tonight.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yes.

How do you like your new office, howard?

Oh, I was just gonna ask you that.

Oh, I like it fine.

Did you notice the venetian blinds stick?

Yes, I did notice that.

Well, there's a little trick to that.

What you have to do

is pull both strings at the same time.

I'll try it. Yes, try that.

Yeah. I will.

Good.

[Sighing]

[sighing]

how do you like your office, howard?

Oh, well, I like it fine.

Well, I'm all ready.

Oh, helen. Hi.

Hello, miss crump. Hello, howard. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.

We were just havin' a marvelous time

[laughing] just gabbin' away. Right, andy?

Terrific.

We were talkin' all about irene's office.

Certainly was interesting.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yes.

Well, listen, I hate to break this up,

but maybe we ought to go.

Yes. Fine.

[Clearing throat]

thank you.

(Andy) all right.

Well, we're off.

[People chattering]

♪ [music playing]

hey, i... I heard a funny story the other day.

[Clearing throat] this fella came home with a new hat.

And his wife says, "where'd you get that hat?"

And he said, "I bought it at a clearance sale."

And she said, "well, I can understand

why they wanted to get rid of it. You look like an idiot in it."

And he said, "I know it,"

and she said, "well, what'd you buy it for?"

He said, "well, when I put it on and looked at myself in the mirror,

I looked too stupid to argue with the clerk."

[Laughing]

it's cute.

I'm glad you liked it.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to have been away so long.

Oh, that's all right, howard. How's your mother?

Well, she says she's just wandering around the house.

Oh.

And the sh**ting pains have gone from her neck down into her back.

But she wants us to have a good time.

Right.

♪ [music playing]

well, what are we waiting for?

Yeah. Why don't we all dance?

Oh, you-you two go ahead. I'm a little rusty, I think.

[Laughing] I'm no fred astaire myself, howard.

Well, uh, it... It is an interesting b*at.

Come on, helen.

I just don't want to step all over you.

Oh, I don't think you would.

As a matter of fact, I would imagine you'd be a very good dancer.

You really think so? Hmm.

Only one way to find out.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Well, I'm certainly willing to try.

You know, I'm beginning to feel a little like fred astaire at that.

Give him a chance.

♪ [music playing]

we aren't going to let this music go to waste, are we?

Oh, I believe I've had it.

Oh, andy.

No, let's just kind of sit here, huh?

Ok.

Well, there are some people who seem to be able to handle it.

Yeah.

Honestly, andy, don't you feel good about asking him?

Yeah, I guess.

[Sighing]

[panting]

well...

You two were really going at it out there.

[Laughing] I'll say.

Howie's gone to phone his mother.

"Howie" went to phone his mother?

I mean, howard.

I want to thank you two for asking me tonight. I'm having such a good time.

Oh, we're so glad you could come, irene.

Old howard seems to be loosenin' up a little, too.

Mmm. We've already got a date for tomorrow morning.

Oh? He's gonna fix my venetian blind.

Really? I'm terribly sorry,

but I'm afraid we're going to have to go.

Mother?

She doesn't answer the phone.

I let it ring or times.

Yes, dear, i...

I heard the phone, but I just didn't have the strength

to get up and answer it.

Well, you feel all right now, though?

Better. Better.

Maybe you ought to call a doctor.

No. No, I'll be all right.

It... It was just being alone and a...

[Gasping] and a certain nervousness, I guess.

There was certainly no reason to be nervous, mrs. Sprague.

Well, when you get to be my age, dear.

[Sighing] of course, i...

I do want howard to enjoy himself.

Well, we had a real good time there for a little while.

Right, howard?

Oh, yes, very... Very enjoyable.

Well, shall we go?

I think we'd better.

Yeah, well, uh, good night, uh, mrs. Sprague.

Good night, mrs. Sprague. Good night.

Good night, irene, helen, andy.

I'll, uh, I'll see you, howard.

Good night, and... And thanks.

I've told you. I've told you, and you won't listen to me.

It's no good gettin' involved in other people's lives.

They were having a perfectly wonderful time. It's that mother.

It's always for a different reason, but it never works.

She just won't let go of him.

But we tried. We tried. You insisted on it.

We tried, and like always, we struck out.

[Sighing]

I saw howard earlier today,

and he said he had a wonderful time last night,

but he doesn't think he ought to go out again too soon

because he doesn't want to leave his mother alone.

It's just a shame.

[Sighing] well, there's nothin' can be done about it.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

Please, do me a favor. Just forget it.

You know, one thing that might work, andy,

is if you'd just go over there and talk to his mother.

No.

Well, if you'd just think of some approach

to make her understand she can't cling to howard... No, no...

For the rest of her life. No, no, no, no.

See, one thing,

there is no approach to mrs. Sprague.

And in the nd place,

I'm not goin' over there and talkin' to her.

So, we might as well just change the subject.

[Sighing]

hmm.

Why don't we go get a cup of coffee?

No.

We goin' to the show tonight?

No.

Want me to drive you home?

Mmm-mmm.

[Sighing]

I'll talk to her.

I wanted to come over and see how you were feeling

because we were all so concerned.

Well, it was very nice of you to drop by, andrew,

especially as we've never known each other too well.

I know it, and I'm sorry about that,

because I've always admired you.

Well, i...

Admired me?

Yes, the way you've devoted your life to howard.

[Laughing] oh, well, what's a mother for?

I've always tried to do the very best for him I possibly could.

I know, but still, it... It must have been quite a sacrifice for you.

Oh, I don't know.

I wouldn't, uh, I wouldn't recommend this to everybody,

but a...

A charming, attractive woman like yourself...

You ought to go out.

Go to parties. Go to dances.

Have a real life for yourself.

Andrew...

You've certainly given me something to think about.

[Both laughing]

uh, more coffee?

Oh, you still have some. Well, yeah...

And... And we could go over to mt. Pilot tomorrow night.

They've got some wonderful spots there.

I'd love to.

D-d-do you think andy would be able to go?

Oh, well, I'll have to ask him.

♪ [music playing]

what time is it, howard?

Oh, it's almost : .

I haven't been out this late in years.

Neither have i.

Boy, I'm tired.

[People chattering]

I'll bet andy's tired, too.

♪ [music playing]

andy, I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed this.

You were so right about a social life.

[Laughing]

andy, I admit it was my fault.

I shouldn't have asked you to go over there and talk to her.

It's ok, it's over.

Who in the world would think

that she'd assume that her social life was gonna be with us?

I warned you somethin' like this would happen.

I know, andy.

I'm sorry.

Well, let's just not talk about the name sprague anymore.

You'd just think that she'd want to be with people her own age.

Hmm.

Somebody she had something in common with.

Hmm.

Andy... Yeah?

You know mr. Judson.

Yes.

Well, I was just thinking,

if you introduced mr. Judson to mrs. Sprague,

they might have something in common.

They might get along just fine.

They're about the same age. We could...

We could ask 'em if they'd really like to go out together.

Oh, you won't need to...