02x02 - Jefferson Porger

[bunniefuu]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪

No, mm-mm, no.

He's not wearing that suit.

That suit's wearing him.

Thanks for coming in.

- Yep, great job.
- We'll let you know.

Jefferson, we can wait
till they leave the room

before we say anything.

I ain't go time for that.

Oh, no, absolutely not, no.

His butt's too big.

I need a butt, not a birdbath.

Do you at least want to see the poses?

Hell no.

Please leave the room... butt first.

Thank you.

Gentlemen, I am unimpressed.

Well, it's a process, Jefferson.

We'll get there.

Yeah, I mean, you liked Russell.

Why don't we just go with him?

No, no, no, we need two, all right?

Haven't you ever seen a suit commercial?

He needs somebody to
lean on, to laugh with.

- Am I wrong?
- No, you're not wrong.

I mean, am I crazy?

Have any of these other guys been any good?

No, you're absolutely right.

I mean, I just don't get it, you know.

How hard is it to, like, walk
into the room and be, like,

boom, and give one of
these, like, or like this?

Whoa.

Sam, that was really good.

Why don't we just have
Sam do the commercial?

[LAUGHS] Me?

Yeah, I mean, you'll already be there.

Those poses were fantastic.

Why don't you just do the commercial?

Jefferson?

Mm, good look, nice smile,

strong hairline.

Turn.

No red flags on the butt.

- I'm in.
- Great.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do it.

All I have to do is, like, kind
of, like, just do one of these.

No, do not do that. That is not good.

No, I know, yeah.

Walk straight, man!

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

And you're gonna take all this chalk off

when you're done, right?

Look, Emilio, I don't ask,
and there's chalk on the suit

during the commercial, I'm
the one getting yelled at,

not you, bud.

Oh, Tim, I don't know about this.

I mean, I like being
behind the camera, you know,

the man with the ideas.

Sam, you are going to be so great.

If you believed in yourself
half as much as I do,

you'd be on the moon right now.

What, from, like,
modeling? What do you mean?

I just believe in you.

Why don't you get out of my friggin' ass?

Sheila and I are going to lunch.

No boys allowed.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, Sheila.

It's girls only.

And no, we're not that way.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, guys, we should do
an all-boys' lunch.

Close the door, Tommy.

Just gonna get a quick close on that.

Shut the door, bud.

Then when I got home,
someone stole my parking spot.

Did you put your chair down?

- Yeah, they moved it.
- Assholes.

I hope you keep their car.

- I did one better.
- Mm.

I put sardines in the gas t*nk.

Does that do anything?

What do you think?

- No?
- Oh, you're bad.

You're bad.

Hey, girl.

Forget something?

Thank you.

Sheila, this is my girlfriend, Scarlet.

Hey, Sheila. I've heard a lot about you.

It's very nice to meet you.

I'll let you guys enjoy your lunch

after I steal this chip.

- Mwah!
- Thanks, honey.

See ya.

She seems nice.

She's the best.

Back in the office when I
said, "We're not that way,"

it was funny, because you
are gay, and we both knew it,

and neither of us is a bigot.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Whew, all right.

Well... I guess I'm ready.

You are going to be great.

Just don't forget about us little people

when you're big-time.

Oh, shut up, Tim.

All right, let's sh**t this puppy.

Ready?

And... action.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

- Cut.
- Great.

Really good.

Mm.

- Moving on.
- Whew, felt good.

And... action.

♪

And cut.

♪

And... oh, you know what?

Let's keep rolling and see what he does.

♪

And there it is. Cut.

- Wow.
- Very good, Sam. Moving on.

That was great. Whew.

The look of Jefferson Porger Menswear,

fashions for the male,

a professional, tailored
look with classic style.

From collar tips to wing
tips, Jefferson Porger has it,

a casual, cool look for a night out.

Jefferson Porger has the
sports coat to fit your style.

Jefferson Porger has
the look you want.

The camera loved you, man.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

You know the part where I point
to the document in the folder?

Yeah. I almost cracked up.

Yeah, I saw that, but
that's just because I know you.

Jefferson Porger suits.

Get over here, man.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow, man, a celebrity right in my lobby.

- Ahh, thanks, Ned.
- No, man, I'm serious, man.

I'm very proud.

I'm sitting there with my girl watching TV,

all of a sudden, you come out of nowhere.

I'm like, "Oh, sh*t, baby."

I know him."

She was like, "Bullshit."

I'm like, "Bitch, get out."

"Get your sh*t and get out of my house now.

You don't tell me who I know."

But you k*lled it.

Thank... thank you, Ned.

Are you okay, man?

Me? [CHUCKLES]

Mm.

I am fine.

[LAUGHS] I am fine.

Fine.

It's about you today.

This is your day. This is Sam day.

- Okay.
- [LAUGHS] It's Sam day, man.

- All right, man.
- You take it easy.

- You too.
- Keep killin' it.

I thought you were gonna
tell him it was my idea

to put you in the commercial.

- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
- No, it's cool. It's all good.

Yeah, Ned, I wrote that commercial.

What did you write,
like, "guys wearing suits?"

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Oh, come on.

- Congratulations.
- There he is.

Thanks. Thank you. Come on.

All right, the star's
got some real work to do.

Come on.

Sam, what's it like to be on TV?

Oh, come on, Sheila, the
same as everything else.

Amazing.

[LAUGHTER]

Dude, come on.

You were in one commercial.

We got real work to do.

Ahh, well, back to the grunt work.

Yeah, the stuff that actually
pays the bills around here.

Lea, do you know any Polish jokes?

- No.
- 'Cause I'm Polish.

And it's okay if you said
them, because, you know,

I'm Polish, and I know you know it.

That's why it's funny.

I don't know any.

Here's one.

How many Poles does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

- How many?
- Five.

Because four of them are
putting it in the wrong hole.

Nope, because it's all right.

There is no wrong hole.

You could put it in any hole you want.

It doesn't matter. I'm not a bigot.

Okay, so boom, a club for teens.

I was thinking we could
focus on the fact that, like,

kids are cool; adults are lame.

So we'd open on, like, a
teenager going up to the bar

ordering a pop.

He holds it up, looks to camera, and goes,

"I could get used to this place."

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You know what? Let me just feel it through.

Just gonna see, like, if it
feels natural for the actor.

No.

Mm, no pop, definitely no pop.

You know, it's hard to, like,
remember that when we're typing

this stuff out and, like, writing it,

like, an actor has to
actually perform it and,

like, make it feel natural.

- You know what I mean? You know?
- Yeah.

Yeah, no, I forgot that.

You know, what if
he's, like, walks through,

you know, like, taps the girl
on the shoulder, and he's like,

"Huh, sure beats detention, huh?"

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that's good.

It feels, like... like,
a little less written,

which I think is what I
like about it the most.

What kind of shoes do you
think this boy is wearing?

Fff....

Back here... ooh, it's
Adidas, definitely Adidas.

Put Adidas.

Can you put
Adidas? Or A-di-das.

He could be British.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Hello, chap.

Beats detention, doesn't it?

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Sam, great job in that commercial, man.

[LAUGHS] Thanks, Q.

Oh, it was Tim's idea to put me in it.

Ahh, yeah, there I was
in my office all eyes on me.

We needed a decision yesterday...

Hey, Sam, is that one of
the suits from the commercial?

Yes, it is.

Jefferson Porger gave me this card.

I get free suits till Christmas.

Whoa, you get one of those?

Yeah, no. No perks for writers.

Ooh, Russell, look at you.

- How you doing, baby?
- Good, man.

Ahh, how was rehearsal?

Really powerful.

Lavinia, the director, is a genius.

- Russell's in a play.
- Oh, no sh*t?

Sam, you should get into stage acting.

- Oh, I couldn't.
- You've got the presence.

- Ohh.
- You'd be great at it.

I... I've actually been saying

Sam should do stand-up for years.

- He's really funny.
- Well, stand-up isn't acting.

It's true.

Quintin, can we have some beers?

Russell, you want a beer?

Vodka.

Calories.

Oh, that's a good call.

Quintin, can we have two vodkas

and one beer for my
chubby little friend here?

A little bit of vodka maybe
to lose some of that...

Look at you!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Hello, young lady.

Is this the audition for
Tom Cruise's twin brother?

No, it's for schlubby nerd number one.

Oh, no, I know. I was joking.

Yeah, I know.

They all told the same
joke, every one of them.

Hey, fellas.

I see they rounded up the usual suspects.

- Sit down.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

Good morning, Sheila.

Good morning, Lea.

How is your partner, Scarlet?

- She's great.
- Wonderful.

I hope she's not the jealous type,

'cause I put a little gift
in your office for you.

It's something I bought ages
ago and always meant to put up.

Thanks.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hey, young lady.

Is this the audition for
Tom Cruise's twin brother?

Sit down.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Come on in, Steve.

Now, let's pretend that
this couch is... boom...

Detroit's premier teen dance club.

So you'll just come out and say your line

whenever you're ready.

Hey, you kids can't party in here.

Thanks for coming in.

- Uh, maybe.
- Yeah, seems fine.

Andrea, maybe is not good enough.

You should know in your heart that this is

the perfect person for this role.

Do you feel that way?

- No.
- Yeah, okay, me neither.

I'm sorry.

I just wish these guys could do it.

It's not that hard.

All you have to do is
just stand here and say,

"Hey, you kids can't party in here."

Okay, should we see another one?

Yeah, if you want to waste
your day, I'll watch more.

But... I'm sorry.

I just wish that I could, like,

somehow put myself in their
body and show 'em how to do it.

It's easy.

It's just, "Hey!"

You kids can't party in here!"

Well... well, maybe one
of you should just do it.

- Yeah, maybe.
- Sam?

- Yeah, sure.
- No, the guy has to be white.

That's the thing.

Uh, okay.

Uh, well, uh, maybe Tim should do it.

- Oh.
- Yes, Tim should do it.

I mean, ugh.

Yeah, you did Jefferson Porger.

It's a little uneven, 'cause this is, like,

lines and, like, a
character and stuff, but...

Okay, what do you think, Andrea?

Whatever.

Guys, I was fine with all of them.

A nerd says we can't party.

Can we just pull the trigger here?

Cool, yeah.

You want me to do it, I'll do it.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

So I'm going to be in a commercial.

It should be fun. It was Sam's idea.

I play a schlubby nerd

who doesn't want these teens to party.

Although I'm not totally sure
he should be entirely a nerd.

Tim, just be careful.

What does that mean?

It means I love you.

Good night.

What do you mean, be careful, though?

Chrissy.

Chrissy.

- Chrissy.
- Shake me again and see what happens.

Sorry.

I know that you're tired, but
why do I have to go to bed?

Hey, buddy, I saw the
new script on my desk.

Oh, yeah, I just did a
quick rewrite last night.

Just tweaked a few things so they felt

a little more natural for me.

Yeah, um, did you give
yourself a bigger part

and make yourself cool in this?

No.

Where's it say that?

"Mr. Groove wears a fedora
and pulls it off great."

He didn't have a name before, so I just...

You named him Mr. Groove.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[FUNKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

So, Lea, what do you
think about Queen Latifah?

Sheila, we don't have
to keep talking about this.

I'm sorry.

I just don't want you to
think I'm r*cist against gays

just because I'm old.

I know you're not r*cist against gays.

You made a bad joke. Let it go.

The more you overcompensate,
the more I think that you

actually are uncomfortable.

I understand.

You're right.

Sheila...

you left these at my place last night.

I love you.

Sheila, did you do this to make me think

that you were gay?

- She's my neighbor.
- Oh, my God.

That was before the
overcompensating conversation.

Do you want to invite her to lunch?

No, she drives me nuts.

[LAUGHS]

Go home, Ann.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪

Okay, uh,

so in this commercial, you guys are gonna

be trying to come into this club to dance,

and this guy here is gonna say,

"Hey, why don't we dance together?"

And you all...

will think it's a great idea, okay?

- Is that good? Cool?
- Yeah, sounds good to me.

- Yeah, great.
- Let's sh**t one, huh?

It's gonna be fun.

All right, and... action.

Hey, kids, let's party together.

[TOGETHER] Yeah.

I for sure want to party with this guy.

Well, then, all right.

And... cut.

Good job. Awesome. That
was really, really good.

- Sam.
- Great job, guys.

- Sam.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

- What is that?
- Oh, here come some notes.

Flying in notes; this is
all part of his process.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, okay, great job
on that last one, guys.

I'll tell you what, we've
got to do it one more time,

because I had a little sound issue.

The boom was in the sh*t. You could see it.

Dang it, Tommy.

Tommy, come on.

So let's do it one more
time, and just so we have it,

all right, Lea, we can do it

again, but this time,

maybe it would be fun if you said

they can't come in and dance
in the club, so, you know,

so we have it like we had
in the original script.

Right, but my only thing is,

why wouldn't they want
them to dance with him?

Like, they kind of see
him as, like, a friend

and as, like, a guy they look up to.

He's also a peer.

Yeah, maybe... I just think
so that we had it at least

both ways so we could...

- I'm not into the other way.
- Yeah, okay.

I've... I've seen it.
I've seen that done before.

Uh...

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

Ah... let's just do it
the same way again then.

- Thanks. Thanks, Sam.
- Yeah.

Awesome. Same again, guys.

And... ugh... and action.

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

Hey, kids, you want to party together?

[TOGETHER] Yeah.

Yes.

I for sure want to party with this guy.

All right.

Give me some skin.

[LAUGHS]

- And cut.
- Sam.

- Yeah, no, I know.
- Come on.

What's... what's... What's
going on here? Is it just me?

[BOTH MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

That was good for me, but one thing is,

the kid who's supposed to say,

"I for sure want to party with him,"

he's, like, kind of squinting his eyes.

It's, like, I don't really believe him.

Yeah, no sh*t, 'cause
why would he say that?

This is supposed to be a commercial

for a club where teens
can go and have a cool,

safe space to hang out.

And now it's a commercial
where a bunch of cool teens

want to hang out with... an adult,

who legally wouldn't be allowed
in the club in the first place.

Yeah, that's the whole point, though.

He doesn't go into the
club. They just want him to.

Why would they want to
party with a weird old man?

Who's a weird old man?

Honey. Me?

How am I old or weird?

- Well, a fedora don't work...
- Strongly disagree.

- That jacket...
- Everybody shut up.

Watch this.

Hey, kids, if this wasn't a commercial,

this was real life, and I
came up to you in a teen club,

would you dance with me?

- Tim, no.
- Shh, watch, shh.

Would you dance with me?

Stacy, Stacy, would you dance with me?

Betsy, dancing?

Hugo, what do you say,
bro-bro, you dancing?

Miranda, if this wasn't a commercial,

this was real life, and
we're at a teen dance,

Miranda, would you dance with me?

Okay, enough.

Either he goes or you're both fired.

You know what?

I think you're only left
with one option, Andrea.

Come on down to Boom teen nightclub,

the premier teen club
in metro Detroit.

Can we party with you, Mr. Groove?

Pfft, I wish,
because that is one cool club.

But it's just for teens.

[TOGETHER] Aww.

Hey, don't be so sad, teens.

You're gonna have a great time.

I wish Mr. Groove was a teen.

Hmm, let me see what I can do.

[TOGETHER] Yeah!

Come to Boom,
metro Detroit's premier teen club.

Tell 'em Mr. Groove sent ya.

That was the commercial
that led to the shutdown

of Boom teen nightclub
earlier today,

where a swarm of
middle-age men were arrested

for posing as teens
attempting to gain entry.

When asked what they were doing,

the men said, "Mr. Groove sent us."

Between you and me, it
seems like that commercial

was telling old me how to
sneak into a teen club.

I think we should have
a policy where we're not in

the commercials anymore.

I think that would be best.

Yeah, it's just hard to remain objective

during the process.

Yeah, no, I know.

Like, you know, I thought Mr.
Groove was a terrible idea.

But then I got in front of camera,

and I became a friggin' pedo.

- Well, you weren't a pedo.
- Mr. Groove's a pedo.

Yeah, thanks, bud, and
actually, he wasn't even.

He actually became young Mr. Groove.

He wasn't, like, old guy
in a young guy's body.

He became a kid.

Yeah, I think you and I can
both agree that was not clear.

- I concede that.
- Oh, come on.

I got to get me into Boom.

Oh, pretty please, make me a teen.

So we won't be in the commercials anymore.

Yeah, no, that's probably the new rule.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Son of a bitch stole my space again.

[CHUCKLING]

One little fishy.

Two little fishies.

Three little fishies.

[CHUCKLING]

Jackass.

[ENGINE GRINDING]

[LOUD expl*si*n]

[LAUGHS]

assh*le.

Sardines.

Who put sardines in my gas t*nk?

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪

Sheila, where are you going?

Nowhere, Ann.

Sardines!