03x04 - The Sub Sinker

[bunniefuu]

Look at those animals!

This is a classroom. What
do they think they're doing?

If I'm not constantly filling
my brain with knowledge,

that's when the naughty thoughts come.

Well, our new Principal
Funderburk just hired

a sub who's different from the others.

We're finally gonna
get our classroom back.

Playtime's over, Jerry. It's
about to get real up in this hizzy.

- [b*at boxing]
- ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, okay...

- Guys, don't.
- Okay.

The school finally found a
substitute that even you can't break.

He's the perfect storm of discipline,
intelligence and toughness.

You're forgetting he won
substitute of the year.

I know all about this guy. I am...

The sub sinker.

I'm your substitute.

Mr. Testa.

And you should know that I have
not fully conquered my rage issues.

Welcome to our classroom, Sir.
This is our teacher's textbook.

Thank you. What's your name, son?

Oh, I'm listed on the
honor roll as "Jerome".

And today we're supposed to
do a recap on chapter six.

Open your books to chapter six.

Take out a clean she...

Oh, sweet love of my life, that's...

My high school sweetheart, Carol Miller.

Until she broke my heart one summer.

Oh, you mean when Jake Martin the
lifeguard took her away on his wave rider,

leaving you sobbing on the beach
in your little ducky inner tube?

- I vowed to one day win her back.
- Well that day is today.

[Knocks on door]

- Come in, Carol.
- What?!

She can't see me like this.

I... I haven't done a
sit-up since the ' s.

[Groans] I'm hideous!

I've gotta get outta here.

[Sighs]

Charge it to Mr. Testa.

Woo!

If only he used his mind for good.

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

I can't believe Principal
Funderburk canceled geometry class

making us take P.E. in this rec room.

What else can he do?

There's no more subs willing to
teach a class with Jerry in it.

Incoming!

[Shrieks]

[Screams] What is it?!

I think it's some kind of a ball.

What do I do?

Throw it back!

- I don't know how.
- [Groans]

Don't be such a wuss.

I'll do it.

Whoa!

Your arm's like a cannon.

They're coming over.
Just be cool, act casual.

Look...

Because of me, you guys
got stuck in the rec room

and it's not fair that
you have to just sit here.

Pick any sport you
want and we'll play it.

I don't like it. What if it's a trick?

Don't worry, I got this.

Let's do Badminton,
the gentleman's game.

Great. We'll serve.

Uh, what are they doing?

I don't know.

Holy Christmas nuts!

[All screaming]

We've been shuttlecocked!

Kim, this is gonna be the
greatest ninja Marathon ever.

I mean, three full days!

[Chuckles]

I hear they're gonna break their record
for the most ninja att*cks per hour.

We are living in a golden age, Kim.

Behold! "The heart stopper"!

Three feet of bread, eight different
meats, pounds of cheese...

What are you guys gonna eat?

This is literally the
happiest moment of my life.

Ms. Applebaum: Rudy! I need your help!

[Groans] The girlfriend.

[Sweetly] Hey, Munchkin.

I am not happy.

I am watching my nephew Booker for
the week, and he is a little meanie.

He never shows me any affection and
today he got kicked out of nursery school

for poking another child.

I'm gonna say it. I think he's a...

[Whispers] Poker.

That is a sad sad story.
Thanks for sharing. I'll see ya.

No, wait... Rudy!

You and I are gonna spend every moment
teaching Booker that the poke is no joke.

No, I... uh...

Uh...

[Stammering] I have a better idea.

Why don't you leave Booker with us?

Why should she do that, Rudy?

So I can watch the Marathon...

Or I could lock the place
up and no one can watch it.

We'll watch the boy.
You deserve a break.

I think, like, at a spa for three days.

Not a moment less.

And Rudy will pay for everything.

Really? [Giggles]

Rudy, are you sure you can handle this?

[Deeply exhales] Are you kidding?

I teach kids discipline and
respect for a living. Come here.

[Groans] Yes.

Couple of days with uncle Rudy, and
his poking will be a thing of the past.

- The Marathon's starting.
- [Grumbling] I know.

- Thanks, Rudy.
- Yeah yeah, kiss kiss bye-bye.

All right.

Now you listen to me, little man.

Uncle Rudy's gonna watch his ninja
Marathon and you're gonna sit there...

[Giggles]

Listen, Principal Funderburk,

I signed up for geometry and
I'm not going back to P.E.

I still have a shuttlecock on my person

that the nurse says is going
to require a specialist.

I can't bring back geometry if I
can't find a sub to take on Jerry.

Well, it's your job to find that person.

You're responsible for our education.

Oh, that's the problem with students!

It's always about education.

Can't you just be like normal boys
and just try to get some girlfrien...

I'll find someone.

[Men punching and grunting on TV]

Hey, uh, Rudy, where's Booker?

Who?

- Applebaum's nephew.
- Who?

The kid we're supposed to be watching.

Oh, him? I'm sure he's fine.

My Lovey! My precious precious Lovey!

I mean, what is that thing?

[Crying]

Okay, we can't watch the
Marathon with Booker crying.

Okay, give him the stupid toy.

Okay. Come on.

But be gentle. And don't
squeeze him that hard, okay?

It's the only thing that
got me through high sch...

Kindergarten.

Come on.

[Groans]

Uh, Rudy you think a ninja
Marathon is appropriate for Booker?

Please, like he's gonna pay any
attention to the ninja Marathon.

Not when he's got Lovey.

- [Booker babbles]
- Shh.

[Men grunting]

I can't believe Funderburk
found a sub for geometry.

When are these people gonna get it?

I don't come to school to learn.

Don't worry.

I'll sink him just like
I've sunk all the others.

[Door opens]

Wait a minute.

You're our new substitute?

They call me Mr. Krupnick!

By dividing the coefficient, you can
see that we have an acute angle of...

degrees.

Any questions? I have a question.

Once you divide the co...

How in the heck are
you a teacher, Milton?

The school constitution states
in rule -dash- that...

In an emergency situation, a
student with a perfect . G.P.A.

May become a temporary
substitute teacher...

Until a proper replacement is found.

Yeah! In your delinquent faces!

- Booya! Say what?!
- [Hollering]

[Stops hollering]

Well...

You know what I do to subs, right?

I know every single one of your moves.

Your exploding chalk.

[Pops loudly]

Your electrified filing cabinet.

[Zapping]

Oh, really?

Well...

Say hello to my little fr...

Where'd it go?

Looking for this?

My sonic bowel mover.

That thing vibrates your
colon at , RPM's.

I'm giving a chapter test tomorrow.

Sidney and Albert: Yeah!

And I think you can pass it, Jerry.

You do?

Absolutely.

I believe in you.

[Clicks on, light whirring]

Wow, Milton.

You're the first teacher
that actually believed...

[Stomach gurgles]

- Uh-oh.
- Do you need to go to the nurse?

No, I need to go to the
bathroom! Now get out of my way!

Funderburk: What are you
doing in the hall during...

Oh, no.

Run, boy. Run!

[Men fighting, grunting on TV]

[Cooing]

[Grunting]

[Rudy exhales sharply]

No! You animal!

[Giggling]

I told you it wasn't a good idea
for him to watch the ninja Marathon.

Kids that age are like sponges.

[Panting]

What have I done?

I took a little poker and
turned him into a trained ninja.

You're not a ninja. Are you, little man?

[Baby-talk] No, you're
not. No, you're not.

[Punches landing]

We're in big trouble. [ Baby-talk]
Yes, we are. Yes, we are.

♪ Kickin' it with you!

All right, class, this test
will make up % of your grade.

I gotta turn the fan on. I feel
my pre-test hot flashes coming on.

Jerry, you worried?

No.

I'm ready.

You'll have minutes
to complete the test.

Begin in three, two...

- One.
- [Sharp exhale]

Yes!

Jerry!

Dude, you've been hit
by a giant spitball.

[Laughs]

I'm taking you to the
Principal's office.

Ah! Wait, what? I didn't do anything.

Ow! My ear.

[Screams]

All right, guys, we have to do something
before Ms. Applebaum comes back tomorrow.

I tried to calm him down
with a piece of banana.

The last thing I remember
is getting hit in the nose

with a flurry of fat little baby legs.

Okay, look, we've gotta teach this kid
that there are consequences to his actions.

- Jack, you gotta fight him!
- We can't do that. It wouldn't be fair.

It'll be fair if I use this Bo
Staff. Jack, let's jump him on three.

Stop! Wait wait, guys, are you serious?

Jack, you're a
second-degree black belt, but

this is the toughest
opponent you've ever faced.

Now get out there and b*at up that baby!

You're right. I'm not gonna
hurt him, but I'll teach

him what it's like when
somebody fights back.

All right, buddy. You've been a good
boy, but you just can't go around...

- [Kick landing]
- [Jack groaning]

[Punches and kicks landing]

[Jack groaning]

Was it at least close?

What do you need to hear, champ?

Milton, I'd like to
present you with this fruit

and muffin basket as a
token of our appreciation.

You did something no one else could do.

You got Jerry Martinez expelled.

Yeah![Laughs]

- Woo.
- Wait. Jerry was expelled?

- But I shouldn't have been.
- Oh!

Milton, I didn't sh**t
the spitball. Okay?

I wasn't afraid to take the test
because I took your advice and I studied.

[Scoffs] Yeah, right. You
studied for a geometry test?

[Laughter]

Look, I didn't do it,
but I know who did.

Milton, this is roughly where
you were standing, right?

Mm-hmm.

Allow me.

Uh, I don't think Milton's
quite that fat. [Laughs]

As you can see, this
was no ordinary spitball.

This was a super deluxe
saliva-soaked sphere of death

with a circumference
of . centimeters.

You know what circumference is?

It's the linear distance around
the outside of a circular object.

I don't even know who you are anymore!

A spitball this size
wouldn't fit in a straw.

It would take a very
unique delivery system.

Something like, I don't
know... say, Albert's clarinet?

[All gasp]

[High-pitched giggling]

That's so fun... are you accusing me?

I couldn't have sh*t it at Milton,

because Randy's enormous head would
have been in the way. No offense.

None taken. My mother says my head's so big
because I have a massive amount of brains.

As I was saying,

this was no ordinary spitball and
it didn't take an ordinary path.

This particular spitball made a -degree
turn... a right angle, if you will...

Before making impact with its target.

Wait a minute. Hold on. [Giggles]

Okay. So you expect us all to
believe that it turned in mid-air?

That is one magic spitball.

It's not magic. It's math.

You created an external force
when you turned on the fan,

claiming to have a hot flash.

I get hot flashes!

When that lunch lady doubles up
on my tuna and calls me big boy.

Check this out.

[Clarinet toots]

That's right! Albert is the spitballer!

It was me. It was me!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

This has been the worst
three days of my life.

I missed most of the Marathon,
I'm gonna lose my girlfriend.

And my Lovey's been torn to shreds.

But at least I can still
hear his comforting words.

I love... [distorted] You.

[Sobbing]

- Rudy, he's coming for you!
- Play dead!

_.

[Kiss]

Aw. Look, you did it.

You turned a poker into a hugger.

Can I have kisses?

[Exhales] Oh, my gosh. That is the
first time he has ever kissed me.

You are a miracle worker.

Wait. Oh, were you crying?

Yes. Because I missed you so much.

Aw!

Now you should go. Yeah, uh, go spend
some quality time with that little Angel.

They grow up so fast.

All: Marathon!

TV announcer: And that
concludes our ninja Marathon.

I can't believe we missed it!

Due to new regulations concerning
programming that involves fighting,

this will be the last time we
will ever show the ninja Marathon.

What?! They can't mean forever.

And we totally mean forever!

[All sobbing]

Albert, it was you?

But why? I've never wronged you.

That's the problem.

You've never wronged anyone!
You're always so perfect.

Perfect grades, amazing
hair and such a ladies' man.

Let's not get crazy.

It hurts me to say this, Jerry,
but your expulsion is cance...

It's can...

[Moans]

It is can... oh, gosh!

[Inhales sharply] You're back in.

Yes!

Albert, go wait in my office.

I'll be there in a minute.

[Whimpers]

There's a bran muffin
that's got my name on it.

[Clicks tongue]

Jerry, one thing doesn't add up.

If you didn't do it, then why did
you yell "yes" after I was hit?

Because I knew the answer
to the first question.

PI times radius squared,
the area of a circle.

Wow.

You told the truth, and
I didn't believe you.

[Exhales]

What kind of a teacher am I?

What kind of a friend am I?

A great one.

You believed in me and got me to study.

Nobody's ever done that before.

But I got you kicked out of school.

Being a teacher is too much pressure.

I just wanna be a student again.

Even if it means going
back to P.E. class.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! I
cannot go back to wearing shorts!

I've got my mom's legs.

Hold on.

Principal Funderburk, I promise I'm
gonna retire the sub sinker forever.

Well, I guess I could
teach geometry for now.

Let me grab the attendance folder.

- Uh...
- [Clears throat]

You know there is nothing
more rewarding than...

- [Zapping]
- Ah! Wow!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

- [Ragtime music playing]
- I love these old comedies.

I know, right? There's nothing
like a good old-fashioned pie fight.

So you gave Booker back
to your sister, huh?

- Oh, no. He's here.
- What?!

What do you mean, "he's
here"? What if he saw this?

So he saw a pie fight.

What harm could come from that?

[Baby giggles]

[Laughing]