03x06 - 50th Episode: Witless Protection

[bunniefuu]

The babysitter...

Thought she was safe, but
what she didn't know was...

Was what?

The clown with the chainsaw
was watching her from...

- From where?
- Inside...

- The house!
- [Screams]

Okay, that's it. I'm putting
an end to this fake camp-out.

Aw.

Hey! There is nothing
fake about our camp-out.

Now turn the fire back on.

Rudy, if you just apologized
to the Park Ranger,

maybe he'll let us back
into the Seaford Campground.

I am not apologizing to anybody.

Rudy, you hit him repeatedly
with your canoe paddle.

I thought a bear was attacking my boat!

If you're that hairy, you
should not be swimming in public.

Why don't I get everyone in the mood with
some good, old-fashioned campfire songs?

Please don't.

♪ Oh...

[Playing off-key] ♪ She'll be
coming around the mountain when...

[Guitar thuds, breaks]

Well, you got farther into
the song than last year.

- Yeah.
- Oh, that's very true.

- I'm outta here.
- Me too. I'm out.

- Yeah.
- No!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

See, you know, I knew you city slickers
wouldn't last out here in the wild.

That's why I did what any
responsible camp counselor would do.

Padlocked the door
and swallowed the key.

All: What?!

[Laughs]

Settle in, campers!

It's gonna be three days
before we see that key again.

Yeah well, two if I eat a fiber bar.

[Alarm rings]

Hey hey, check it out. Those guys are
coming out of the athletic authority.

Sweet! Must be their
annual ski mask sale.

Jerry, those are robbers!

Hurry up! Open the
door! We gotta stop 'em.

I'll get the key.

[Gagging]

[Metal clatters]

Car key, key to the riding mower.

Oh, anybody want a jelly bean?

No? Okay.

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Any details about the way he
looked will help our sketch artist.

Oh, there was something.

Yeah, in the middle of his face he had this
mound of flesh that had two holes in it.

You mean a nose?

You are good.

Guys, we told the sketch
artist what he looked like,

and he drew a really
good likeness of him.

Don't need it. Drew it myself.

Detective, this is your man.

Or you could look for this guy.

[Scoffs]

Yeah. Good luck fishing
in the dark with that mess.

That's Benny the Blade.

We've been trying to
put him away for years.

But nobody's ever been brave
enough to point the finger at him.

Not until Rudy Gillespie came along!

You see this finger? It
was born to do two things,

and one of them is point at bad guys.

What's he other thing?

I don't feel comfortable
saying it in front of the cop.

We arrested the suspect. Now we
just need you to identify him.

Uh... I know how this
works. This is two-way glass.

- Benny can't see us.
- You know, this is kinda exciting.

I know. No one has ever identified
this guy because he's so dangerous.

Not till Rudy J. Gillespie came along.

The "J" stands for justice.

I thought you said it
stood for jam master.

- Jujitsu.
- Jaguar.

Jermaine.

All right, it changes
with the situation!

So, let the record show that I...

Rudy Gillespie, along with my
students, identify that man!

Ah!

Glass is down! Glass is down,
people! Hero out! Go go go go!

Aah! Let me out!

[Screams]

♪ Hey!

♪ Come on!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

I am feeling pretty great
about putting Benny away.

Yeah, you should. You committed a selfless
act and helped make Seaford a safer place.

Oh, that's not why. I'm
getting a $ , reward.

Hey, we all identified him, so we
should all share the reward money.

What reward money?

Fine. We'll split it five ways.

Ooh ooh! Turn on the news.

We'll watch Benny get taken into
the Courthouse for sentencing.

This is Chappy Chapman
outside the Seaford Courthouse,

awaiting the arrival of Benny the Blade.

I'll say it, Chappy's got
the best hair in Seaford.

Seriously, dude? I'm sitting right here.

It looks like the van has just arrived, and
Benny is being taken into the Courthouse.

There, he'll be arraigned and
set... oh, no! Oh, this isn't good.

He's got, like, ninja people. Oh,
my... Benny's men have come and...

Oh, he's running. This is not
good. Now he's coming back.

Benny, please. Do not
hit me in my perfectly...

- Oh!
- Ooh, right in the hair.

Rudy Gillespie!

I'm coming for you...

And those kids.

Did you hear that? My name was on TV!

I gotta go call my mother!

Did he hear the second part?

Oh, he heard it. Three, two, one.

Whoa!

Run for our lives!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

Only take what's necessary,
people. We have to travel lightly.

Great. Rudy, what's the
plan? Where are we going?

- Uh...
- That's where I come in.

Tonight we will travel
south to Guatemala.

There we will live as a talented
but reasonably-priced mariachi band.

Mariachi band?

Si. And I am the leader...

[Emphatically] Señorita Rosa.

Why would you play a woman?

My plan, my disguises, Kim.

Or should I call you by your new name?

[Emphatically] Jorge!

- [Knocking on door]
- [Shrieks]

It's the Blade! Children, form
a human shield around me...

For your own safety.

Rudy, Benny the Blade wouldn't knock.

Oh. Good point.

Coming!

Oh, it's Detective Bronson.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Any news on Benny?
- We're still looking for him.

But we've got a plan. The five of
you are going into Witness Protection.

Good call. Witness Protection.

Why don't you explain
what it is to the kids,

because I definitely know
what it is, that, that is.

We take you to a secret location
and give you new identities.

You can return after Blade is captured.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

The cops are gonna
pay for us to hang out

and play volleyball with
girls at an exotic resort?!

Nah nah, forget that.

I say we go to a cabin in the
mountains, get our snowboard on.

I don't do cold.

I once got hypothermia from a smoothie.

I bet it's a cruise. I'm
gonna need my own state room.

If she's getting one, I'm getting one.

- Me too!
- All right, it's settled!

State rooms all around.

Yes!

I am gonna need a
balcony with a hot tub.

- You're not going on a...
- No no no, don't tell us.

We wanna be surprised.

[Cows moo]

When it comes to surprises,
you, Sir, are horrible.

Hiding on a farm in the middle of
Homesdale is not what we had in mind.

Benny the Blade is a dangerous man. And
this is the last place he would look.

Yeah, I don't blame him. That
cow just peed on the floor.

Remember... you're
experienced farmhands.

You have to blend in and stay hidden.

You have to be completely off the grid.

That's why I confiscated
your cellphones.

[All sigh]

[Cow moos]

[Ringtone playing]

Jerry, did you hide
your phone in the cow?

Yes, I did.

Why did you do that?

Oh, because the sheep
got really bad reception.

Well, there you are!

My new farmhands.

My name's farmer Pratchett, but,
uh, why don't you call me Jebidiah?

Oh. Hello, Jebidiah.

I'm... Rudimiah.

And this is Jackidiah,
Jeremiah, Miltimiah and that's...

Kim.

Just Kim.

So, where did y'all work last?

Uh...

Over yonder ways.

For old MacDonald.

He...

Had a farm.

[Softly] Ee-i-ee-i-o.

I have a list of chores here.

Oh, all right. Let's see what we got.

Nope, not for me, nice try.

Ewe, I would never do that.

Oh, here we go. "Milk the cow".

That's got "Rudimiah"
written all over it.

It's, uh... it's just me
and my daughter Lily now.

We had a tough harvest last year.

Had to sell my beloved
plow horse Charlie.

He had a beautiful mane.

Hmm.

You know what?

You kinda remind me of my Charlie.

[Chuckles]

Yes.

How about a sugar cube, boy?

No, I'm good...

That's a good boy.

[Animal huffs angrily]

Ah!

That cow does not like being milked.

That's a bull.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

[Rooster crows]

Now this is the most
important job on the farm...

Protecting my vegetables from the birds.

Holy Christmas nuts!

Look at the size of that gourd!

That's not just a gourd.

That squash is gonna win
this year's state fair.

I call her Sas-Squash.

Oh, I get it. Because she's so big.

She's like Sasquatch.

Who?

Well, I can see why you chose me.

I'm smart, courageous...

And trustworthy.

That and, uh... well, you've
got a face made for scaring.

- Good luck.
- I don't need it.

This is gonna be a breeze.

[Bird caws]

Oh-ho.

I see you up there, crow.

Licking your beak.

Well, it's not gonna happen
on my watch. Keep moving!

That's right, fly away.

Ah...

Oh, no. Oh oh, you're coming back.

- [Crows caw loudly]
- And you're bringing your friends...

And a bald eagle.

Oh. No no. No no no. Oh oh!

Oh! Ow!

[Birds caw]

Oh.

Oh, Sas-Squash.

You never had a chance.

You animals!

If you ever come back again!

You're gonna feel the wrath...

[Eagle cries]

Better get out of here.

Your job is simple.

Just use this rope to
stack those bales up there.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, slow down.

Okay? Ropes, bales, up...

Lot of moving parts here, Pratchett.

I don't care how you do it.

Just get that hay...

- Up there.
- [Sighs deeply]

I've been watching you.

You're different.

I get that a lot.

You're not from around here, are you?

You can tell me.

Actually, I'm from the city.

[Gasps]

Did you ever ride on those
magical moving stairs?

You mean an escalator?

[Gasps]

Oh, how you talk!

I was in the city once
selling eggs with Paul,

and I saw someone eating one of those...

Red sauce devil pies.

- You mean a pizza?
- [Gasps]

Pizza! I've never said
a word with a "Z" in it.

You know, I can, uh...

[Exhales] Order one of those on my...

- Cellphone.
- No, you cannot.

No... whoa!

Oh, hi, yeah. I'd like to
order a delivery, please.

Prairie Way...

Homesdale.

[Laughs]

Hacking into their phones was brilliant.

I think it's time the
Blade makes a little...

Pizza delivery.

[Chicken clucks]

Thank you.

Been a pleasure.

Ooh, still warm and damp.

Gross, but thank you.

Okay, last house on the block.

Ow! A chicken just pecked me.

Yeah, because you don't
know what you're doing, Kim.

You can't just shove your hand
in there and get all grabby.

You have to just... ow!

[Chicken clucks loudly]

Let her keep her stupid egg!

- Come let's get out of here.
- We can't.

Pratchett said if we leave a single
egg, they'll get lazy and stop laying.

I got it. Okay. You act like a rooster,
draw her out and I'll grab the egg.

- Kim, I'm not acting like...
- A handsome rooster.

That I can do.

[Clucking]

Aw, Jack, look! It's working, she's out.

- I can't find the egg.
- Put your head in and look for it.

Yeah, I think I see it.

- Ow!
- [Chicken shrieks]

I think there may be
another chicken in there.

Ya think?

Wait.

Where'd she go?

- Oh!
- [Clucks]

[Both screaming]

Ha! You thought you were gonna get
us, but you didn't. You know why?

Because you and your little chicken brain
were no match for me and my... what?!

Whoa! Help me!

- What happened to you?
- I got baled and barreled.

- What happened to you?
- We got pecked and feathered.

- What happened to you?
- I got crowed and eagled.

What it do, farm friends? Woo!

- That's my girl.
- You're finally here.

Everybody get back to
work. We've got jobs to do.

[Overlapping chatter]

What's going on here?!

Who are you people? Because
you sure aren't farmers.

You're right. You deserve
the truth. We're a...

We are a mariachi band.

[High-pitched] And I am Señorita Rosa.

- Milton.
- [Normal voice] Shut it, Jorge.

After I had to sell my horse Charlie, I
didn't think things could get any worse.

But you all have destroyed my barn.

That's all right, pal.

Now I'm gonna destroy them.

Benny? How did you find us?

It was easy. I just waited
for someone to use their phone.

Pizza delivery for Jerry Martinez.

Oh. That's me.

Yeah, well, you took more
than minutes to deliver it,

which means I don't have to pay.

Thank you.

I wanna know what's
going on around here.

Get 'em!

Chappy Chapman? What are you doing here?

It's called sweet revenge, missy.

You!

Nobody hits Chappy Chapman and his hair.

This Chappy Chapman live
from the Pratchett farm.

Back to you, Brittny.

Benny and his boys are
going away for a long time,

thanks to you and your friends, Rudy.

I'm mighty impressed that you were brave
enough to stand up to a fellow like Benny.

You might not be good farmers,
but you're good people.

And you're welcome on my farm anytime.

- [Chicken clucks]
- [Eagle cries]

[Cow moos]

- I'm out.
- Nope.

- Let's go.
- No way.

Uh, Mr. Farmer Pratchett, Sir?

I have something to say.

In the short time that I've been here,
I've developed feelings for Lily and...

I would like to ask for
your permission to be her...

Yeah?

Be her pen pal. See ya, Lily. Write me.

Guys, wait up!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

Oh, you're back. [Chuckles]

Oh, please don't tell
me you're here to help.

Actually we got a present for you.

[Whinnies]

Pratchett: Ooh!

Charlie! [Chortles]

My Charlie!

We couldn't think of a better
way to spend our reward money.

How about a sugar cube, Charlie? Huh?

Aw, that's my good boy.

[Voice breaking] I remember
when I was his good boy.

Hey.

This bale of hay should
be at the top of the stack.

I'm on it. [Exhales]

[Straining]

We're good.

Look what I found out in the
pumpkin patch under some leaves.

All: Whoa!

She's guaranteed to win first
prize at this year's state fair.

Jerry, you're stacking the hay too high.

Kim, I know how to stack... uh-oh.

[Pumpkin splatters]

You know, to b*at traffic,
we should probably get going.

- Take care. Thank you.
- Yeah...

Good luck at the fair, man.

Pumpkin looks like a sure winner.

♪ Kickin' it with you!