01x10 - Possession

[bunniefuu]

SASAPPIS: That pasta primavera Jay
made really hit the spot, smell-wise.

Probably the most satisfying
meal I've experienced

since losing the
ability to consume food.

Jay, guess who I just
got off the phone with.

Kenny and Liz, from good old Park Slope.

- Love Kenny and Liz.
- The best.

So, remember when we saw
them get engaged on Instagram

and we never got the
invite to the wedding?

Mm, I bet we were the last cut.

Yes, you tell yourself that.

Well, get this: the wedding venue

they were dead set on fell through.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Kenny and Liz want to get married
at Woodstone Mansion in two weeks.

[LAUGHS]: Ooh.

Thank God I d*ed dressed to the nines.

Babe, this could be huge for us.

If we pull this off,

with all Kenny and Liz's fancy

made-the-cut friends in attendance,

it could really land us on the map.

You know, it's embarrassing
how excited you all get

about a woman becoming a man's property.

Then again, if you
put on "We Are Family,"

- I'm on the dance floor, no questions asked.
- Right?

There is one teeny-tiny
hoop we have to jump through.

Hoop? What kind of hoop?

Before Woodstone Mansion
is officially booked,

Liz's family is sending Michael
Davenport to check it out.

Am I supposed to know who that is?

Manhattan's top wedding planner?

Notoriously hard to please?

Okay, well, uh, wh-when's he coming?

- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

Sam, this house is a disaster.

We got pigeons in the attic.

Uh, w-we got lights
flickering everywhere.

Honey, please, we'll get it done.

He's not wrong, this
place looks haunted.

I mean, it is haunted.

But you don't want people to think that.

♪

JAY: Come on.

Why?

SAMANTHA: Jay?

Good news, the pigeon guy's on his way.

Bad news, the stupid
electrician just canceled again.

Seriously? That's the third time.

He said his dog isn't feeling well.

- Aw.
- HETTY: No.

No "aw." You'll never be successful

in business if you let
the help walk all over you.

Hetty, his dog isn't feeling well.

HETTY: Poppycock. He's probably

playing dice with the other roughnecks.

That's what they do. They lie.

They imbibe and they lie.

I think I could fix this.

Uh, Jay, please be careful.

I've watched HGTV so many times, babe,

I'm practically a Property Brother.

And not the lame one, the one
that actually fixes things.

Okay, well, do you have your menu ready

for the wedding planner?

I'm going to dazzle him.

I've been training my
whole life for this, babe.

Just leave the cooking to your man.

[SIGHS] He cooks, you work,
your dynamic is grotesque.

Yeah! Yeah, I can do this.

HETTY: Careful, you cad.

Those sconces are made
of pure leaded crystal.

They are worth more than Oklahoma.

- Okay, yep.
- [STAMMERS]

Easy-peasy...

[SCREAMS]

Ah...

Jay! [GASPS] Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?

- What's going on?
- I think Jay electrocuted himself.

Oh, he's fine. Ben Franklin used to do

the same thing all
the time for attention.

More like Needy Richard's
Almanack, am I right?

- Honey, are you all right?
- [ENGLISH ACCENT]: Ooh!

Don't get fresh with me, young lady.

SAMANTHA: Okay.

Uh, maybe you should go lay down.

We have some time
before Michael arrives.

A brief respite. Perhaps you're right.

Straighten your back.

You're hunched over like a washer woman.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, have you guys seen Hetty?

Uh, sorry, I haven't seen her.

Hmm, that's weird.

She wasn't at our morning walk, either.

Well, she's bound to turn up.

It's not like any of us can leave.

- Remind me how that works.
- [LAUGHING SOFTLY]

Why does that happen?

We don't know, Sam.

Why do we go through the walls

but not fall through the floor?

It's not like we got a manual.

Ugh, would love a death manual.

Huge manual guy. Love
being told what to do.

There's a man in uniform here, Sam.

I'll be honest, it's not a great man

nor a great uniform.

Oh, nice, that's the bird removal guy.

He's here to take care of the pigeons.

[GASPS] Murphy?

Before we let that Irishman
in here, we need to lock up

the good china and count the spoons!

Mm-mm, no, no, no, no, no.

Mm, excuse me?

What?

Since when does Jay hate the Irish?

Excuse me, sir?

Yes, yes, yes, you.

Are you a member of a labor union?

There is a wrong answer.

- Excuse me?
- I warn you,

if a single sugar bowl goes
missing before the wedding...

[JAY TITTERS]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- Oh, dear.
- What is it? What's going on?

The reason none of us have
seen Hetty is because she

is in there.

In the van?

What? No.

In where? Isaac, you're freaking me out.

- She's in Jay, Samantha!
- [GASPS]

JAY: Uh, question,
have you got enough room

in that van for all your potatoes?

[TITTERS]

That was a good one.

Ah, what? What do you mean,
I'm inside of Jay's body?

How? When?

[GASPS] That's not mine.

No, this isn't happening.
Possession isn't real.

Possession can't be real.

Neither are ghosts, yet here we are.

Gather the ghosts. Wait a minute.

Where are all the ghosts?

[GASPS] Oh, no. Isaac
would know what to do.

Hey, Hetty or Jay or
whoever, we're right here.

They're right here.

That's interesting. She can't see us.

Oh, no, no, no. [WHIMPERS]

This can't be happening.

No!

J-Jay? Are you in there?

[SHOUTING]

Jay.

- Jay.
- [REGULAR VOICE]: Oh, this is so weird.

- Oh, my gosh. It's you.
- Yeah, yeah, it's me, babe.

[LAUGHS] He's back.

Oh, that's good.

I don't know what's happening.
I-I was changing the light,

and-and then there was a big spark,

then I fell on the ground and I came to,

except I wasn't in
control of my own body.

Somebody tell me, what is happening?

I've been trying to tell you.

- We've seen this happen before.
- I haven't.

This is why we need a death manual.

The year was , and Woodstone

was just being wired for
the gift of electricity

when a poor workman electrified himself

and hurled toward a ghost.

Me.

Oh, boy.

What? What?

It was quite the interesting experience,

being inside another man.

Hold up, I've sat through years

of Pete droning on
and on about how to tie

every kind of knot, I could've
been possessing people?

Oh, come on, I remember you perked up

when I covered cow hitches.

Possession is nearly
impossible to do on purpose.

It requires a confluence of events

that are almost unreplicable.

So, how do we get Hetty
out of my husband's body?

Oh, my God, I'm literally being
colonized from the inside out.

Sh-she's coming back.

[SHOUTS]

[ENGLISH ACCENT]: Hmm. Oh, my God.

Why is it so damp in here?

ISAAC: Samantha, tell Hetty that this is

just like when I possessed her workman,

and we have to do the
same thing to fix it.

Hetty... I can't believe
I'm calling you this.

Well, it is my name, young lady.

Isaac says this is like the
time he possessed your workman.

[GASPS] Oh, my God,

there might be a way
out of this hellhole yet.

Well, what is it?

BOTH: An exorcism.

Cool.

Oh, okay, well, I'll see you then.

Question, if you're
unable to get the ghost

out of my husband, is there some
sort of refund policy, or... ?

Hello?

[REGULAR VOICE]: Well?

That was the only priest I found

who didn't immediately hang up on me.

And he can't make it till
Monday. He said he's slammed.

You mean I got to walk around
with this Victorian lady

inside of me till Monday?

Th-the important thing
is we have a solution.

The ghosts have literally
seen this work before.

You're gonna be okay.

Everything is gonna be okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SASAPPIS: Sam, the
wedding planner's here!

Oh, God, we're so screwed.

Mr. Davenport.

Please come in.

Welcome.

I'm Samantha and this is my husband Jay.

[ENGLISH ACCENT]: I am a man.

And as such, I will shake your hand.

Mr. and Mrs. Arondekar, it's
a pleasure to meet you...

Oh, my. The last time
I felt palms this soft,

I was shaking hands with a Vanderbilt.

That felt like a misstep.

He makes jokes, but don't
worry, he makes food way better.

- Good pivot.
- Hmm.

It's a little more b*at-up
than in the pictures.

Sam and Jay have taken
forever with the renovations.

Mostly due to the fact that they are...

[TITTERS] ... very poor.

I'm confused. I thought,
uh, I thought you were Jay.

Oh, yeah, Jay likes to refer
to himself in the third person.

It's one of his many
interesting talented chef quirks.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[REGULAR VOICE]: I'm back.

Oh.

Uh, okay, shall we discuss the menu?

[LAUGHS] This is a train wreck.

Yes, the menu.

Of course, okay, first of all, Michael,

so glad you came up here, and, um,

as far as the menu is
concerned, I was thinking

we could go the traditional route.

We could do a poached
salmon, root vegetables,

maybe a demi-glace.

- Tried and true.
- Exactly.

But you're not tried and true, are you?

And neither are Kenny and Liz.

So, for their wedding,

I have planned something that I think

is going to knock your socks off...

[JAY MURMURING]

No, what-what, well, what is it?

What is it? What is it?

[ENGLISH ACCENT]: Ooh! [MOANS]

[LAUGHS] Sorry.

Hmm, that was strange. I
don't know what happened there.

- Where were we?
- Well, the menu. I'm rapt. What is it?

- The menu?
- For the wedding, let's have it.

You know, there's a Diet Coke in
the kitchen with your name on it

I have yet to offer you.

Ooh! Boiled calf's head.

[CHUCKLES] Heron pudding.

Eel pie. Beaver tail.

And squab.

I love it.

- Of course you do.
- Huh?

A heritage menu celebrating

the history of the Hudson Valley.

It's remarkable. No one is
doing anything like this.

Well, we do things
differently around here.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, can I trouble you for
some cocaine? I'm all out.

SAMANTHA: There's that
jokester. You know,

we're just gonna be in the
kitchen fixing things up,

but you-you relax.

I'm not joking.

Hmm.

Jay. Jay, where are you?

We need you. Just...

Oh!

[REGULAR VOICE]: Ow!

It was already me.

Sorry, I didn't know.
W-wait, where do you go?

- What happens?
- I don't know.

It's so weird. When she takes over,

it's like I'm there but I'm not there.

I can see, I can hear, but I can't talk.

Can you hear her voice,
like, inside your head?

Yeah, actually, I can
hear her right now.

She talks kind of old-timey.

She's really not a
fan of you having a job

or being able to drive.

Oh. I know it's strange,

but it's kind of sweet that you two met.

- Not ideal circumstances.
- Quick,

before she takes over
and shoves me aside again,

what are we going to do?

We don't have any of the things

that she told the wedding
planner we were gonna make.

Well, isn't there, like, a-a fancy shop

or a specialty meat
place that you know about?

People don't eat boiled calves'
heads and beaver tails anymore.

We found better things.

What about squab? I feel like
I've heard of that. What is it?

It's, like, a game bird.
It's kind of like a pigeon,

but I don't know where we'd
find one in the next hour.

[COOING] I'm confused.

You want the birds back?

Uh-huh. Yep.

- But why?
- W... well, I just...

You know, I thought
about it a little more,

and I realized that getting
rid of them might be inhumane.

Babe, I need those pigeons ASAP, okay?

I'm reading online that
they take an hour to cook!

Hey, Murph!

[COOING]

Thank you.

- Yeah, that's coming along.
- SASAPPIS: So, can Hetty taste

what he tastes even when she's
not in control of the body?

Well, if it's anything like
when I possessed that workman,

then yes. She can taste. She can touch.

- She feels everything he feels.
- [SIGHS]

I'd give anything to
taste a Hot Pocket again.

[EXHALING]

[ENGLISH ACCENT]: Ooh... !

Mmm!

Tasting food for the
first time in years.

[MOANS LOUDLY]

If women had orgasms, this
is what it would feel like.

[GRUNTS]

Hetty!

Please stop taking over my body, okay?

I got a sauce simmering, and you
don't know anything about cooking.

- SASAPPIS: Oh, let her live!
- Come on.

Seriously. d*ck move, bro.

So, uh, we could talk more
about the chocolate fountain.

We've gone over the
fountain three times now.

What I'd like is to sample

the cuisine you said would
be ready over an hour ago.

Mm, dude ain't happy.

My patience is coming to an end.

I promise it'll just be a
teensy-weensy bit longer.

Trust me, that man really knows
what he's doing in the kitchen.

JAY: Oh, my God!

I've never tasted
peanut butter! [GIGGLES]

- Mmm!
- You got to help, Sam, Flower.

Okay. I'm sending you
really good vibes, Sam.

I'm sorry. I think I've
made a mistake coming here.

You two aren't ready to hold
a toddler's birthday party,

much less a Davenport wedding.

- Mm.
- Oh...

No, I mean your power.

You know, what happens when
you walk through people.

- Oh!
- No, wait,

please don't go. We
really need this wedding.

I will say this once, so
hear me loud and clear...

[GRUNTS]

Oh...

I am high as a songbird.

Whoa...

What are you doing?

Buying you time. Now go get lunch ready.

This ain't gonna last forever.

[EXHALES] Tell him to look at
the wallpaper in the bathroom.

Trust me.

♪

[EXHALES]

[CHUCKLES] Whoa...

[JAY GIGGLING]

[MUNCHING, MOANING]

[LAUGHS]

God bless her. This is
exactly what I'd be doing.

Bye-bye, chiseled physique.

- Mmm.
- SAMANTHA: Jay?

What is going on?

Oh, Hetty's started to, um,

- enjoy Jay's body a bit more.
- Samantha,

Cheetos are divine.

This is a bender. And I
have seen some epic benders.

Lehman Brothers Thursday happy
hour was the stuff of legend.

[GRUNTS] Oh!

[REGULAR VOICE]: I'm back.
Sam, she's getting stronger.

It's getting harder and harder
for me to keep her from...

[HIGH-PITCHED GRUNTING]

[ENGLISH ACCENT]: Oh! Silence!

Mm, tired of your blathering.

This is like watching McEnroe-Connors.

Hetty, I need you to
let Jay finish cooking.

No! For the first time in
years, I'm actually living, Sam.

And I won't let you
take that away from me.

[WHIMPERING]

We're not waiting for any priest.

We're doing this exorcism ourselves.

Awesome.

♪

How are you doing, Michael?

It's all good in the hood.

Yeah, you got about a half an hour

till Cinderella's carriage turns back

into an uptight wedding planner.

- Do you need anything?
- FLOWER: Suggest crayons and a coloring book.

Maybe crayons and a coloring book?

[LAUGHS] That would be
amazing right about now. Yeah.

I'm an excellent guide.

WOMAN: And that is how you
perform a home exorcism.

If you liked this, please check
out my other how-to videos,

including DIY vampire k*lling
and rom-com writing made easy.

So, exorcism for dummies.
That's what we're doing here?

If you have a better idea, now would
be a really good time to share it.

Having gone through one myself,

I will say that instructional
was quite on point.

And it's well-paced, too.

Sam, are we sure about this?

I mean, you're really
gonna tie Jay to the bed?

And with those knots?

We're out of options.

We can't keep Michael Flower'd
back there much longer.

I could walk through him again.

But it does hurt me a lot.

And also he might start to
forget childhood memories.

- [THUMPING]
- JAY: Oh!

Damn these solid doors!

Oh! Samantha, you said you had
something up here called Hot Cheetos.

I must know how they keep them warm.

I... I actually just
needed to talk to you,

and I didn't know how else to
get you out of that kitchen.

Why are there ropes on the bed?

Hetty, I know you've
had fun in that body.

But Jay and I have a lot
riding on today going well.

[STAMMERS] We need this to end now.

An exorcism?

No! I don't want to.

- I'm not ready.
- Hetty, it's time.

I need my husband back.

Stop thinking about
yourself. Think about Jay.

That's just it.

I never thought of myself.

My whole life, I did
everything for my husband

and put my needs second.

I didn't live the life I should have.

There are so many things
I didn't get to do.

I've never been to Paris.

Okay.

Well, now I have another chance.

And I'm not going to waste it!

[WHIMPERING LOUDLY]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No! No! No!

[WHIMPERING]

Ow!

Damn it!

- Hetty!
- [WHIMPERING]

Okay, she won't even be
able to turn the car on.

Unless Jay has his key in his pocket.

Uh, how do I turn you
on? On, on? "Start"?

It can't be that simple.

- [STARTS ENGINE]
- Hetty!

Stupid auto lock!

[SQUEALING, GIGGLING]

Please! Come on! You... No.

Paris, here I come!

Hetty! No!

What do you think'll happen when
they get to the end of the property?

Either the speed gets
'em through the boundary

or he bounces back.

Maybe Jay dies.

I don't know. This is a new one.

♪

[LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

[GASPING]

♪

[REGULAR VOICE]: I'm back. Aah!

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

Jay!

[PANTS]

Whew.

Au revoir, Paris.

[GRUNTS] Oh.

[GASPING] Jay.

SAMANTHA: Jay. Jay, are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh!

Yeah, I think so. W-wait,
is she out of my body?

Yeah. Yeah, she flew out when
you hit the ghost boundary.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, my God, I'm so happy you're back.

Ah. I'm happy, too.

Is she okay? 'Cause I feel drunk.

Oh. Sam!

Your wedding planner's losing
interest in the coloring book!

You better get in here!

- Let's go.
- Ooh, I hope our house has tasty pigeons.

MICHAEL: I'm not entirely
sure what came over me.

I, uh, did take some allergy
medicine for the pollen out here.

Oh, definitely the allergy medicine.

Oh, yeah, that can be

pretty strong these days. Uh,

so sorry it's a little bit late, but...

worth the wait.

I'll be the judge of that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mmm.

Hmm.

Is that a good noise? Is he happy?

Mm...

Mmm.

Hmm?

Mm, what is this spice?

By the looks, I'd say
paprika or maybe saffron.

But, no, that's not it.

It's unlike anything I've ever had.

What you're tasting, Michael,

is Cheetos dust.

Cheetos dust?

- That's right.
- Really?

♪

How whimsical.

I love it.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God. You do?

Mmm. Such an inspired
update on a traditional dish.

Mmm. Mr. and Mrs. Arondekar,

the wedding is yours.

- [SIGHS]
- Yes!

[GRUNTS]

Hell yeah! [CHUCKLES]

Now, from where do you, um,

source your squab?

Uh... locally.

Very, very... locally.

I just have one question.
What were Sour Patch Kids like?

It was a flavor expl*si*n, my dear.

ISAAC: I know you're
disappointed that you didn't get

the chance to leave, but...

if it means anything, we're
happy to have you back.

It was an exciting day.

But it was strange not
to be able to see you all.

It has been my constant
dream for the last century.

But then, when it actually happened...

I missed you guys.

Aw, really? You missed us?

[STAMMERS] I'm not repeating it.

Hetty, hey, how are you feeling?

A little embarrassed by my actions.

But if you'd lived my
life, you'd understand.

Don't live your life
with regrets, Samantha.

Go after your dreams.

Because you are only
here for a short time.

If you're lucky.

That's good advice.

I'm sorry that I... got a
little carried away today.

And I'm grateful that you
didn't try to fornicate with me.

Uh... hey, Hetty,

wherever you are. Uh, just wanted

to say thanks for
helping me with the menu.

I wish I could say I owe you,

but you kind of kidnapped me

- and tried to take me to Paris...
- [PHONE BUZZES]

so let's just call it even.

That's fair.

Hello?

It's the electrician.

Oh, no, you can't
make it till next week?

- He's canceling.
- No, no, no.

Give me the phone.

Hello.

You listen up and you listen up good.

You will honor your commitment

or we will find a new electrician.

Do you hear me, guttersnipe?

Cool. Thanks. Bye.

He's on his way.

- That was kind of sexy.
- Ooh.

I guess I still have a little
bit of Hetty left in me.

That wasn't.

Oh, that's right. You're related.