04x02 - Gold Diggers

[bunniefuu]

Although she's gone,

Edna will always be a
beloved part of our dojo.

She may have been , but she could
still hi-yah with the best of 'em.

And finally...
- (Clearing throat)

(Continues loudly)

Rudy, would you like to say something?

What?! No, I don't... I don't
even know what I... It's fine.

Okay then, in conclusion...
well, if you insist, I mean...

We're here, so... (Clears throat)

(Somber string music playing)

Edna.

"E" is for energetic.

"D" is for darling.

"N" is for neck because she had one.

The "n" s are hard for me.

And "a" is for awesome.

(Light applause)

And now for her last name.
Girschenmeyerflugenbompter.

"G" is for... Rudy, thank you.

Now a few words from her favorite
sparring partner, Milton Krupnick.

It feels like only yesterday that
Edna looked me in the eye and said,

"Eat mat, beanpole!"

To make sure she's here in spirit

to spar with us for
many more years to come,

I present the Edna Girschenmeyerflugenbompter
memorial sparring partner.

- "G" is for...
- Both: Rudy.

That's the face she made when
she was in her... Beast mode.

(Soft murmurs)

It's got a recording
of Edna's grunts inside.

So please, as you leave,

say good-bye to Edna the
way she would have wanted.

(Grunting)

(Grunts)

Gentlemen, I was Edna's lawyer.

Jack's the sensei in charge. Sue him.

No, I'm here to let you know that
the three of you are in her will.

And Edna was a very wealthy woman.

That's not important.

What matters is Edna was a beautiful soul.

And how much money are
we talking about, now?

I'll come by tomorrow and
tell you what she's left you.

- Yes!
- We're gonna be rich.

Guys, please.

We just lost Edna, all right?

Have a little respect.
You should be ashamed.

KaChing!
- Winner winner!

Show me the money!

(Rock music playing)

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪

♪ and we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪

♪ here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ won't you come kick it with me? ♪

♪ and we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪

This is so exciting.

I can't believe Edna named us in her will.

(Whimpering)

I just heard about Edna.

Oh, I loved her more than anything.

You're not in the will, Jerry.

I'm going bowling.

You know, since I was her
favorite sparring partner,

Edna probably left me a
little more money than you.

What are you talking
about? I did her a favor

and took her granddaughter to a dance...

which was kind of weird,
'cause hazel was .

You know, maybe we
should just listen to Rudy

and not spin out about some money
we don't have.

I just found an island online.

I am going to buy it
and declare myself king!

Let me guess... king of the island guy.

There's one at every will reading.

Edna's been very generous with her fortune.

So far today, I've given away a yacht...
(Gasping)

A helicopter...
And a diamond the size of my foot.

Mm, I've been looking for a foot diamond.

"To Rudy Gillespie... Jack brewer,
and Milton krupnick, I leave ten..."

Million dollars.

Ten million dollars! We're rich!

(Exclaiming and laughing)

Actually, it's ten acres of land.

Worth ten million dollars!

(Laughing)

Well, it is in paradise valley.

You hear that, boys?

We're going to paradise.

- (Laughing)
- Yeah!

(Wolf howling)

You hear that, boys?

We're leaving paradise.

You know, Edna didn't leave me in her will

because when I sparred with
her, I kept it real, yo.

I mean, sure, it resulted in a broken hip,

but, hey, we went right back
to sparring once I healed.

There's a story about Edna in the paper.

She swam with the sharks.

She climbed mount Seaford.

And she made a fortune running
her cluck-a-doodle donut shop.

I'll never forget her in that rooster suit

outside her store, squatting
out a dozen donut holes.

Doesn't get any fresher than that.

Edna knew how to live.

All the Phil does is work.

I will never get to do all the things

that I want to get to do
that I never get to do.

Well, like what, Phil?

Three things... "A" I
want to do the skydive.

"B," I want to be on the TV.

And three, I want to meet famous
action star Sylvester Stallion.

You know what, Phil... I'm going
to help you do those things.

Really, Jerry?

Thank you.

Because of you, I will finally be
the man that I always wanted to be.

♪ Hey, kids ♪

♪ The magic birthday
princess is here! ♪

(All cheering)

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

Why would Edna leave us
a worthless piece of land?

I was so nice to her.

Were you? Every time she
changed out of her gi,

you would use her support
hose to drain your pasta.

Good afternoon!

Now, Mr. poindexter said that you're
the cowpokes Edna left her land to.

Yes, indeedy, we are said poked cows.

I saw you boys on your land earlier today.

Is everything all right?

Because I heard a woman scream.

Yes.

Yes, that was a woman.

Rudy, that was...
- a woman...

Who screamed because she had
never seen a tumbleweed before

and thought it was capable
of biting him... her.

I'm Doyle Bronson.

I own the ranch next door.

I'm sure you city boys have no
use for ten acres of scrub brush.

How about I do you a favor
and give you $ , for it?

- That's fantastic.
- I would love to.

No no no no no. We are
not interested in selling.

Thank you.

Rudy, we have a chance to dump
that worthless piece of land

and make some real money.

Oh... Young, naive Jack.

Business negotiations are like a dance.

And you're about ready to watch
me do a tango with that man.

It looks like you aren't
interested in selling.

That's too bad. Take care, y'all.

Y'all take care of yourselves also, y'all.

Rudy, he's getting away.

Look, relax.

He's going to go to his car,
pretend like he's leaving,

turn around, come back,
and double his offer.

He's walking to his car.

And the dance begins.

He's getting in his car.

Ole.

- (Engine running)
- And he just drove off.

What? Oh, no, what have I done?!

- (Car accelerating)
- Hey!

Come back!

We haven't finished our tango.

Come on, man. Dance with me!

There's something weird
going on here, Rudy.

Why would he offer us , bucks
for that worthless piece of land?

Yeah. Maybe you're right, Milton.

Maybe it's not worthless.

Nope. It's totally worthless.

There's nothing here.

Nothing here!

(Thuds loudly)

There is something here.

A big, giant hole.

And you found it.

Oh, Jerry, thank you for getting me on TV.

Yo, quiet quiet quiet.

It's on.

(Jaunty music playing)

I know what I smell, and it's bacon.

Oh. I'm sorry. We're back.

Welcome to "Chap Chat."

I'm chappy Chapman.

Up next is a segment that I did earlier

with local businessman falafel Phil.

Woman: This is a test of the
seaford emergency network system.

(Sustained beeping)

What... what is happening?

What is with the... ♪ ah... ♪

Well, don't worry, Phil. I'm sure
they'll cut right back to you.

There'll be plenty of
time left in the show.

That's all the time we
have leno one saw my face.

I was not on the TV.

What about my list?

Don't worry, Phil. Look, I
promise I'll get you on next week.

Unfortunately, there will be no next week.

I've been cancelled.

My boss thinks, and I quote,

I'm a "narcissistic, mustachioed,
hulking freak who doesn't belong on TV."

Wellknow Wha ed... I'll
show you hulking freak!

Aah!

(Sustained beeping)

Whoa.

What is this place?

Anyone want to ask if I'm all right?

I've got a stalagmite lodged in
my... looks like a series of tunnels.

Is there anything mentioned
about it on the land deed?

(Whispering)

Guys, look at the wall.

This isn't just a deed. It's a secret map.

No no no. It's more than that.

It's also... A bunny.

Look, now it's the eiffel tower.

Rudy, this is no time... whoa.

That's some solid shadow work.

Guys, these aren't just tunnels.

This is a gold mine.

Edna did like us.

We're rich. We're rich!

- We're rich, we're rich, we're rich!
- Yes!

(Thuds)

I have got to stop jumping.

(Creaking)

(Gasps)

Four... Five.

This is it.

This is the fifth support timber.

According to Edna's map,
the last vein of gold

in the mine should be in this section.

All right, now, before we get
started, I just want to say

that when people come into sudden
wealth, it can sometimes change 'em.

Friends have been known
to turn on one another.

The miners called it "gold fever."

Yeah, and... I just want
you to know that that's...

Exactly what's going to happen to me.

Rudy, we're not going to do those things.

Oh, no. I definitely am. Yeah.

We haven't found a single nugget yet,

and I'm already thinking
of ways to get rid of you.

Join me, Milton.

We can take down Jack.

I'm not doing that.

Join me, Jack.

We can take down Milton.

We are partners.

Whatever we find, we'll put
in a pile and split three ways.

Let's get to work.

- Guys guys, I see gold.
- Me too.

Nothing on this end.

Don't worry, Chuck. I
am trained professional.

I will get your retainer back.

I never ever stick my
hands in the ball return.

It's very very dangerous.

I use my head.

(Groaning)

Oh! There is the retainer,
and, okay... And... oh! Oh, no.

Oh, no! I'm stuck!

Chuck, Chuck, go get your mommy.

Go!

Yo, Phil. Phil, check it.

Sylvester stallion was
in town for the premiere

of his new movie "Crocky II."

I got him to come by so he could meet you.

What?!

(Mumbling) You know, whenever I'm in town,

I always do what I can for my fans.

You know what I'm saying?

No, I really don't.

Uh, hey, Stallion... tell me,
are you as pretty in person

as you are in the moving picture?

Yo, I can't understand a
word this guy is saying.

Gotta go.

No, come back! Stallion, don't go!

Jerry, get me out of here.

Oh, wait wait wait. I just got an idea.

The ball will come back up
the return and pop you out.

What? No.

Jerry, no. That's a very bad idea.

A very bad... (Groans)

Good news, Chuck.

I found your retainer.

(Thuds)

All right, guys... let's take a break,

dump our buckets of gold in this
wheelbarrow, and see how much we got.

- Impressive.
- Nice.

All right. (SIGHS)

That's what I'm talking about.

- Wow.
- All right.

Stand back, boys. It's
time for the mother lode.

(Groans)

- All right.
- (Grunts)

Cha-Ching!

Time for that three-way split.

Hey, not so fast, Rudy.

We've been working the
same vein for two hours.

I get a bucketful, Milton gets a
bucketful, and you get a pebble?

Jack's right. You're hoarding it.

How dare you.

I don't have to stand here and
listen to you call me a thief.

(Jingling)

If he's stealing gold,
then I'm taking this.

If it wasn't for me being
able to read the map,

there wouldn't be any gold.

Hey, whoa!

Once we got here, I was the
one who did most of the work.

Hey, we never even
would have found the gold

if I hadn't been smart enough
to accidentally fall down a hole.

What?

It's mine.

Whoa!

Ahh!

Hey, neighbors.

Thought you might like a little company.

If it's to try and buy our
land, the price just went way up

because this place is riddled with gold.

Rudy, he's not here to buy the land.

He's here to steal the gold.

What gold? There's no gold.

Oh, yes, there is.

And it's mine.

(Grunting and groaning)

Come on, boys!

You'll never get our gold.

'Cause it belongs to me.

- Us.
- Whatever.

You can keep your gold.

But you'll be down here with it forever.

No!

Let's go, boys.

Let's get out of here. (Laughing)

He cut the bridge. That was
the only way out of here.

And the gap is too wide.
We'll never clear it.

I can jump it.

I just gotta build up enough speed.

Now, I know you didn't get on TV
or get to meet Sylvester stallion,

but you're definitely going skydiving.

But what about my fear of the airplane?

That's why I got this giant fan.

It'll give you all the
sensation of actual skydiving,

but you'll never go more
than five feet in the air.

You're sure this thing will work?

It's a giant fan I got off the back of my
cousin's swamp boat. What could go wrong?

That makes sense to the Phil.

Turn this bad boy up, bro.

Whirring)

Okay.

Whoa. Whoa.

I'm flying. I'm flying!

Oh, you can go a little higher than that.

Oh... okay! Okay.

Little higher.

Whoa. (Screams)

Ooh... Yeah, I guess that could go wrong.

This is chappy Chapman.

This is chappy Chapman
live at the red carpet

talking to Sylvester stallion.

What is "Crocky II" all about?

(Mumbling) Well, it's
a heart-wrenching tale

about boxing, reptiles, and love.

So I throw a left and right hook.

And a salander... (screaming)

That's not good.

Back to you, Brittney.

What the...

I'm going to throw this pickax with
a rope tied to it across, hookynamite,

pull it over here and yank out the fuse.

You got it.

Okay, come on. Easy easy.

Good good good. Easy easy easy.

Okay.

All I have to do is pull it up,

and... oops. The dynamite
fell into the crevasse.

The fuse was still lit.
We're all gonna die.

Give me the pickaxes.

All right.

I'm going to use these pickaxes to
give us handles so we can swing across.

(Quietly) Oh!

(Groaning)

(Gasps)

I can't reach it.

Well... All right, I'll
swing back. You grab my hand.

That pickax won't hold both of us.

That's a good point.
It was nice knowing you.

Rudy.

All right, fine.

Take my hand.

(Creaking)

(Both groaning)

Jack: Come on, Rudy.

Let's go!

Get down, get down.

She's gonna blow!

She didn't blow.

(Loud expl*si*n)

(Coughing)

She blew.

(Groans)

Oh, yo... it's on again.

And the salamander takes a... (Screaming)

That's not good.

Back to you, brittny.

See, Phil... we crossed all
three things off your list.

You got on TV. You skydived.

Hey... and you met Sylvester Stallion.

Met him?

We rode the ambulance
together to the hospital.

Boy, was he mad at me.

Yeah, the doctor said that's how
you got most of your injuries.

Thank you, Jerry.

Because of you, I'm finally
the man I always wanted to be.

♪ Hey, kids ♪

♪ The magic birthday
princess is here! ♪

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

U gui owe yo an apology.

I got pretty crazy back there.

Yeah, we all did.

That gold made us turn on each other.

Maybe it's better that it's gone.

That gold would have changed us.

Yeah... changed us into rich people.

You know what...

let's just promise to never
let greed come between us again.

- Deal?
- Both: Deal.

All: Wasabi.

(Laughter)

A teeny tiny little nugget
of gold fell out of my sleeve.

(Muttering)

How about that?

- Crazy.
- (Murmurs)

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

Hey, Rudy, I think we should donate

that one last gold nugget
to a charity in Edna's name.

I kind of went in a different direction.

What do you mean?

That's the third shower I've taken.

I got dust from that mine everywhere.

It was in my hair. It was in my ears.

I think I even swallowed some.

Swallowed some?

(Flatulence)

Yeah, maybe a little bit.