01x09 - The Main Man (1)

[bunniefuu]

Get ready. Now.

The readings are off the scale.

No sign of it.

Professor, he's coming back.

Congratulations, professor.

Your team did a fantastic job
refitting this vehicle for space travel.

It's hard to believe it's the same rocket
that brought me to Earth.

It was our honor, Superman.

To study a vehicle like this
is any scientist's dream.

Where did you say you kept it
all these years?

- I didn't.
- Sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

I can't help wondering about
the civilizations on other worlds.

Their great achievements,
their brilliant minds.

I'm giving you geeks seconds
before I frag everything in sight.

One, .

Not you, Sqweek.

Hey, Lobo...

...long time no see.

Emperor Spewge knows it was you
what pilfered his treasury, Sqweek.

He's paying me to bring the dough back
in a nice little pile.

- What about me?
- Same deal.

Framed. I was framed.

Is that so?

No, no. Help!

Hey, leave my little brother alone.

Well, if it ain't Gnaww Vermin
and his roach-motel rejects.

Don't tell me
you're after this bounty too.

If anyone's gonna collect on Sqweek,
it's gonna be family.

- Hand him over.
- Sure.

I was hoping I'd see
some excitement on this job.

Guess not.

Hold on, Sqweek.

Lobo.

Hey, wait.

Old weasel spit.

Too bad I can't stick around.

Now I'm mad.

Now I'm really mad.

It's always sweeter collecting a reward
knowing you b*at some other geek out of it.

- The bounty hunter has entered range.
- Proceed.

Holy fragarolli.

Feels like I'm being torn apart.

Cool.

Oh, yeah. Someone is definitely
tired of breathing.

Show yourself, you slimy geek-wad.

I am the Preserver.

And I'm the night manager
at the Hotel d'Frag.

Lookie there, it's checkout time.

Fragging gizzards.

You are Lobo.
Assassin, brigand, sociopath, monster.

You left out "scourge of the cosmos."

And the most ruthless bounty hunter
in the galaxy.

I want to hire you.

Sorry, dude. I'm already on a job.

Your prisoner will be held until you return.

Besides, this job should be no great task
to one with your skills.

Behold. Gathered here are the
rarest creatures in the universe...

...each the last survivor of its race.

So you got a thing for varmints, so what?

Many years ago,
the planet Krypton was destroyed.

I had long believed all members
of the Kryptonian race were extinct.

Until I found evidence of one
living on a distant world called Earth.

Looks like a first-class wimp to me.

He is more than he appears.

Sluggo, I got better ways to waste my time
than rounding up bugs for your flea circus.

So if you'll hand over the runt...

...I'll cancel the homemade colostomy I'm
planning to inflict on your tiny, wrinkled...

Oh, mama.

That's a lot of mai tais.

You deliver the last Kryptonian,
and the jewels are yours.

Do we have a bargain?

Hose down a cage, boss.

You're getting a new monkey.

Remember those blurry photos of UFOs
that looked like garbage pail lids?

Well, we finally got one
that's as clear as it is confusing.

After careful analysis, experts agree
it's a scroungy biker on a flying motorcycle.

Yeah, right.

Hey, how's it going, chief?

Maybe you can help me.
I'm new in town...

...and I'm looking to find this geek here.

Superman? We don't keep tabs on him.
He only shows up if there's trouble.

I can do trouble.

I'm confused, Kent.

I've lived in Metropolis most of my life.
I don't know how some yokel...

...from Smallville
is getting every hot story in town.

Well, Lois, the truth is I'm actually
Superman in disguise...

...I pretend to be a journalist
to hear about disasters as they happen...

...and then squeeze you out of the byline.
- You're a sick man, Kent.

You asked.

Yeah, Lane.

What? I'll be right there.

Some lunatic's just opened fire
on the midtown...

...police station.

Oh, no you don't, Kent. Not this time.

This is getting lame.
I thought he'd be here by now.

Mosquito.

Time to up the ante, I'm thinking.

Finally. I've been trying
to get in touch with you all day.

- Who are you?
- I'm sorry.

My card.

The name's Lobo.

That's L as in "lacerate,"
O as in "obliterate"...

...B as in "disembowel,"
and O as in...

...I guess I can use "obliterate" twice.
What do you think?

I think you're a certifiable madman.

Thanks.

Superman, roll clear!

Gas?

Now you ankle suckers are playing dirty.

I'm losing it.

Going under.

Stay back.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

I've never seen a creature like this.

I love you too.

First rule of hunting, Superdude.
Make the target come to you.

Good advice.

Hey, no riders.

Stop here, driver. There they are.

I don't believe it.

Believe me, Mr. President. You have my
word that my new w*apon system will...

What the devil?

- Look out.
- Look out.

Look out.

Dang, man.
I gotta say, I am impressed.

I saw you go for the rocket,
I couldn't figure what you were doing.

Then it hit me.
You didn't want no one hurt...

...even if you took the fragging yourself.

You actually care about them geeks.

They're human beings.

Yeah, well,
they're gonna have to make do...

...without their
big blue babysitter from now on.

See, someone's paying me
a heap of cash for your carcass...

...and the Main Man always delivers.

Now the more you move,
the worse it'll hurt...

...so feel free to go crazy.

Excuse me?

Leave him alone. Go on, get out of here.

Well, little lady...

...hello.

Lois, stay back.

Pipe down, junior.

Lois, huh? Guess that means
you know this loser, right, honey buns?

You his girlfriend or something?

Drop dead.

Of course, any babe with class would
rather be hanging with the Main Man.

Why don't you show old Lobo
how classy you are?

You pig.

I like a babe who plays rough.

Come on, let me have another.
Right here. Right...

You dirty frigging, back-fragging,
son of a...

Get maintenance teams on every floor.

Put them on round the clock if you
have to. I want repairs completed...

- k*ll, Main, frag, destroy.
- Immediately.

- Are you all right?
- Are you all right?

- I'm fine
- I'm fine. Gotta go.

Give him one for me. Make it a dozen.

Last call?

Already?

Get up.

I said, get up.

You ain't half the boy scout
you're cracked up to be.

Looks like I'm in for a real fight.

Think I'll take five until I'm ready
to resume kicking...

...the collective butts of you
and everyone else on this dung heap. Ciao!

You've never tested the vehicle
in deep space before...

...let alone under combat conditions.

I can't risk that maniac
coming back to Earth, professor.

I've got one chance to drive him away,
and I'm taking it.

Sensors have picked up his bike's ion trail.

He's close. But I can't get a definite fix.

- Lobo calling.
- Hi there.

Okay, frag-face, let's tango.

I guess the only way to reason with you
is to take away your toy.

Hands off my hog.

Lobo has lured the Kryptonian into range.

Excellent. Fire when ready.

Lights out, Clyde.

This can't be.

Krypton?

No, but an incredible simulation.

Let me guess. You're the one
who hired Lobo to get me.

I do what I must to preserve species
threatened with extinction.

You are the last Kryptonian.

Therefore, your place is here.

I think not!

Like Krypton's red sun...

...this light cancels the unnatural abilities
given to you by the yellow sun of Earth.

I always strive for complete accuracy.

Swell.

Hey, monkey, want a banana?

When I get out, I'm shoving
that arrogant smirk right down your throat.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I believe that Lois gal
might be getting a tad lonely...

...now that you're doing time
in a cosmic petting zoo.

Maybe I'll go back and cheer her up.

Of course, I do have to collect
the bounty on this geek first.

Emperor Spewge got a bad temper
on him.

Adios, wrinkles. You want any more
rare dorks snagged, you got my number.

Actually, there is one other being
I need for my collection:

The last Zarnian.

That's rich. I'm the last Zarnian.

I fragged the rest of the planet
for my high school science project.

Gave myself an A.

You ugly, two-timing...

...big fragger. You...

...just carved your own headstone.

Nobody...

...double-crosses the Main Man.

Nobody.