04x11 - Inheritance

[bunniefuu]

DRE: I've been doing
this Dad thing for a while now

and pretty much k*lling it.

That's because I know
the three rules of parenting.

Rule one... Comfort your
children when they are hurt.

Aah! Not me. Mama.

Oh, sweetie. Okay.

- [DEVANTE CRYING]
- Rule two... Protect them

from scary things in the world,
like the boogeyman.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Diane.

And rule three... Make sure
your kids are provided for

now and in the future.

♪

Thanks for trusting me, Dad.

I don't.

That's why I labeled them.

Ooh. Those...

Don't touch 'em!

And my mom feels the same responsibility

for me and my sister, Rhonda.

All right. What's going on?

Hey.

All right, the last time
you baked this cake

is when you told us to hide
the g*n you sh*t Pops with.

I said it was the g*n I sh*t Pac with.

- [LAUGHS]
- And thank you, babies.

Now, listen.

I was at Sandy Jenkins' funeral,

and I realized I have
to tell you two things.

When I die, I want my ashes
sprinkled on Ving Rhames.

And two... we need to talk about

who's gonna get my rental property.

When you die? M-Mama, are you sick?

Do I look sick?

I had two pregnancy scares last month.
[CHUCKLES]

Then why the hell
are we talking about this?

I don't want to think about you dying.

And if God is good,
he's gonna take me before you.

Ooh, Black Jesus, don't you dare!

- Take me first! Don't let...
- No, Lord, take me!

As an atheist, I swear you guys
are just yelling at a vent.

Mama, I can't believe
you made us death cake.

Oh, no, baby.
This is from Sandy's funeral.

Not well attended.

Now, at my repass, I want peach cobbler.

And a small amount.

I want people to fight for it.

Okay, Mama, you know what?

I'm done talking about this, all right?

You're never gonna die.

♪

Ving Rhames?

Well...

it's a promise we made to each other.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh!

Santamonica!

- Oh.
- Santamonica!

I didn't know you were in town.

No, no, no, no.

- I'm Santamaria now.
- Oh.

I renamed myself after a saint

because I found Jesus.

Bow looks skeptical.

That's because her sister
is always reinventing herself.

The last time we saw her,
she was a reality TV star.

Have a drink, you thirsty bitch!

She's also been a vegan, a Goth,

and, for some reason,
a Roller Derby girl.

Wait. You found Jesus?

- Was... Was he missing?
- Don't blaspheme.

Nope. Sorry.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you still drink wine?

I'm born again, not dead. Yes, please.

Okay. Do you want a glass?

- Yes, please.
- Yeah? Okay. Wine it is!

Okay. So, what are you doing here?

I'm in town for
the L.A. Divinity Expo...

- Interesting...
- and I'm... and I am gathering funds

so that I can start my own megachurch.

- Megachurch?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Why not just like a church?

- Oh.
- Or like, I don't know, Bible study?

[LAUGHS] I mean...

Have you even read the Bible?

- I downloaded it on Audible.
- Oh. Yeah.

Okay, so... But did you listen?

- Yeah. A little bit.
- Oh. Hey, look.

Hey, Auntie-monica.

Ooh. It's Auntie-maria now.

I found Jesus.

Oh, that's your...

That's Devante.

Cool, cool.

Well, Mom, this little guy is hungry,

so I think it's time to...

Are you drinking wine?

- Yep.
- It's not even : .

If you've been up since : , it is.

We're sleep-training Devante.

Uh, we are.

A more accurate name

would probably be awake training.

I'm telling you, Mom,
if you would just let Devante

cry himself to sleep,
he'd be better rested.

[BABY VOICE] Let me cry it out, Mommy.

I'm stronger than you think. [CHUCKLES]

W-What'd I tell you about the baby talk?

[BABY VOICE] It wubs you the wong way?

- It does.
- Junior...

you're very talented.

God has a plan for you, and it
is bigger than all of this.

[NORMAL VOICE] I've always felt that.

You need to be where you're appreciated.

I need a new assistant.

Somebody who can help me
navigate the religious waters.

I'd love to work for you,

but I've just got so much
to do around here.

I still have to finish re-sorting

- someone's frozen milk.
- What?

The oldest goes in the front.

I still don't know what you
don't get about that.

Okay, come to Mommy, sweetheart.

And you should go work for Auntie-maria.

Right? And guess what.

[BABY VOICE] We'll be fine without you.

That is not Devante's voice.

[NORMAL VOICE] I don't care.

♪

So, my mom talking about dying

and divvying up her stuff had me upset.

Well, I-I remember telling my
father that he was gonna die.

He didn't believe me,
of course, but, uh...

history is written by the one
who holds the plug.

[LAUGHS]

I miss him.

You know, his will caused a huge rift

between Papa and Uncle Henry.

Yeah, it was worth it, though.

I mean, brothers come and go,

but a brownstone on the island
of Manhattan is forever.

You know, I recently inherited
some family assets.

Which is cool in theory,
but what am I supposed to do

with a piece of Hawaii

and Earth, Wind & Fire's
publishing rights?

This is ridiculous.

White people are constantly
inheriting stuff

when black families usually
have nothing to pass down

to each other but debt.

I beg to differ, Dre.

I inherited a Crown Royal bag
full of marbles,

a wave cap, and a treasure map

that may or may not be a children's menu

from Ponderosa, but...

I'm crewing up and, uh,
we'll find out soon.

- I'm in.
- STEVENS: You see, Dre?

Charlie inherited something.

So your argument is totally useless.

I'm assuming that a wave cap

is some sort of luxury sailboat, right?

You realize we're not running
the same race.

The only money that we can rely on

- is from life insurance.
- And lawsuits.

I'm in the middle
of a potentially lucrative

slip-and-fall suit against
the Studio City Panera Bread.

[CHUCKLES] Where's my cane at?

Oh.

I left it at the gym.

I'll get it on my run home.

Okay. All we can bet on
is that we die early.

Well, you do have diabetes.

Isn't that why you took a policy
out on him, Papa?

You have a life-insurance policy on me?

Oh, I have policies out
on many of my employees.

I have one on you.

- On Charlie, of course.
- Aww.

On Jerome from the parking garage.

God rest his soul.

I used his payout to get my new Ferrari.

It's a shame that he'll
never get to park it.

Mm.

SANTAMONICA: All right, Junior.

Did you get me into
Roma Downey's bowling night?

I couldn't.

But I did get you into
a VIP book burning.

And I got you an extra-dry copy
of "Catcher in the Rye."

That thing is gonna light up real nice.

Uh, excuse me.

I hear you're plotting to make
a little light-skinned church.

Well, just don't forget Jeremiah : .

Ooh, is he having a party?
Is that his address?

Heh heh heh heh.

It's a verse from the good book.

"Do not listen to what prophets
are prophesying to you;

they fill you with false hopes."

That is gonna be so good on a T-shirt.

- Right?
- Oh, my God.

T-shirts. On it.

I'll get quotes from the printers.

Pee now because we're leaving in .

"Pee now." [SCOFFS]

God, he's so micromanage-y, right?

- Yes, and I love it.
- Oh.

He takes care of everything.

Wait till he starts monitoring
your alcohol intake.

- My car already does that.
- What?

Thanks, judge who wouldn't
accept a bribe.

The guys at work really got me thinking

about how black families
deal with inheritance.

So, you're a delivery person now?

No, I'm a Lyft driver.

And that's my lunch.

And no, you can't eat in here.

That's a rule?

No. You just eat like Cookie Monster.

I have an underbite.

You know damn well Pops
gambled away my braces money.

All right, look.

I'm sorry I walked out on you
and Moms the other day.

I just hate thinking about losing her.

What we really need to talk about

is what she's gonna do with the duplex.

Well, that's easy.
She's leaving it to me.

And then I'm gonna sell it.

What?

Both plexes?!

What about me?!

You get her hat collection.

But I'm a / fitted kind of
guy, and she loves snapbacks.

Th-This can't be right.

I'm Mama's special baby.

Dre, now, will you get out of my car?

The Lakers game just ended,
and I got to hunt for strays.

Fine.

But you know what?

If you're getting the duplex,

- I'm taking these mints.
- Bye.

- And this car charger.
- Okay.

- And your garage-door opener.
- No, I need that!

Dre! I need that!

- You know what? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- All right.
- Hey, hey!

Your garage door's open now!

Hey, Ma...

Mama?

Mama, no! Why, Black Jesus?!

Take me instead!

Oh, stop acting a fool!
I just fell asleep.

- What's wrong with you?
- Oh.

How about fifty shades of a plot?

[SCOFFS]

Rhonda filled me in about what's
going on with the inheritance.

- [SIGHS]
- And I just want to let you know

that I'm totally cool.

Totally, totally cool.

Well, I'm glad, baby.

You know, one might think
that you would, uh,

divide your assets among
your children equally,

but you made a strong move,
and I get that.

Thank you, baby.

Damn it, Mama! I'm your special boy!

What happened?!

Ooh, this is an ugly color
on you, Andre.

I never thought you were this petty.

If I was being petty, I would remind you

of how many grandchildren
I've given you,

but I'm bigger than that.

Five.

Ma, it just doesn't seem fair.

I didn't ask for your opinion.

Now, if you don't like it,

you go work it out with your sister.

[GRUNTS]

My mother was no help.

Meanwhile, Junior was so busy
helping his aunt,

he was no help to Bow.

Hello, sweetheart.

- What's that?
- Mother.

Wow! That looks...

- That looks unfinished.
- Mm-hmm.

- You see this?
- Yeah.

This is where the stuff would
go... if I had a glue stick.

Oh, my God. Yes. A glue stick.

- Okay, I'm gonna go get you a glue stick.
- Thanks.

Can you watch the kids while I...

- I ca...
- [DEVANTE CRYING]

Okay, hang on. Oh, my God.
Wait. Hold on.

What? Why is he awake?

He has nowhere to be?

Okay, Junior,

can you go get her a glue stick?

- That's a no can do.
- What?

Got to drive Auntie-maria
to the Creed meet and greet.

I'm pretty sure she can
get there by herself.

She's had six Proseccos.

What?

Blessed be the fruit of the vine.

All righty, let's go.

Yeah, put that down.

[SIGHING] Oh, my God.

Hey, wh... why are you in your pajamas?

Did you take a nap after school?

A nap? I'm just waking up
from last night.

What?

Junior has been getting us
up in the morning.

- He has?
- Can I have some cereal?

I only have an hour to eat
breakfast and lunch before dinner.

Of course, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
My goodness.

O... Oh.

Right.

Junior buys the cereal.

Guys, the Environmental Impact Agency

says this entire building
is riddled with asbestos

and black mold, so gather up our stuff.

We got to vacate immediately.

I need to get my inheritance
back from my sister.

Outstanding. Nobody leaves this
table till we figure it out.

- Come on.
- But the asbestos.

First things first... how bad
do you want to crush her?

Like, are we talking "no
relationship for years" crushed

or, like, "yelling at cars for
the rest of her life" crushed?

I don't want to crush her.

Okay, that's the wrong attitude, Dre.

Hey, everyone else is leaving,
so maybe...

You want to lawyer up, just like
I did when I sued Panera.

Actually, I hired two lawyers.

Got the second one
to look after the first one

to make sure he wasn't in
the pocket of Big Bread.

Okay, I'm not gonna get
a lawyer, all right?

I just need to convince Rhonda
to give me half.

Okay, good luck.
You couldn't convince me

to give you half of my sandwich
at lunch, and I was done.

Sandwich, huh?

So Bread's got their hooks in you, too.

Hey, could we have
this conversation outside?

Everything's starting to look
like burning film.

Mark my words, Dre.

You do not want to be
the only one without a lawyer.

You don't get it.

My sister is not the lawyer type.

Just be smart and lawyer up, okay?

Otherwise you're gonna find yourself
answering a lot of questions

about what you were doing with
zoo-grade elephant tranquilizer.

♪

- Want some?
- JACK: Mom, for our project...

- Yeah.
- ...we need to interview an old person

to learn about how life was in the past.

- Okay.
- So, how was life in the past?

What?

And why haven't you
gotten me a glue stick?

- Oh, a glue stick.
- Am I supposed to use tape

- like some kind of jerk?
- Guys, I am on it, all right?

I just... I got to finish
feeding Devante,

who doesn't seem to sleep anymore.

I know.

Okay, are you sure
it's not too much boob?

Definitely too much boob.

I've asked you to cover up
multiple times.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're here.

I need you to give your brother a bath

so that I can go to the store

and get your sister a glue stick.

Can't. I'm escorting Santamaria
to Mase's Midnight Mass.

I'm not allowed in,
but she needs me to wait nearby

in case she catches the Holy Ghost.

Okay, that is a no. It's a school night.

Really? That's the part
you have a problem with?

- Excuse me?
- I have to go.

It's my job, Mom.

Auntie-maria appreciates me.

She's taking advantage of you.

And I need you to give
your brother a bath

so I can go to the store
to get her a glue stick.

Devil is a lie.

You have no problem with the
fact that it's a school night.

You're mad because the Lord told Junior

to come work for me instead of you.

No. Junior doesn't work for me.
He's my son.

And I gave him to you [WHISPERS]
so that I could have a break.

Yeah, well, I'm not giving him back.

Hey, you can't just
pass me back and forth

like a collection plate.

- What's a collection plate?
- What?

See, Mom? She needs me.

You're staying.

That's not fair.

Take him.

I-I have a cold.

I have a cold.

We're on a break.

Here.

N... Mnh-mnh. Oh, no, no. No, no.
This is a Halston.

No, no, no, no, no.

What? No. No! This is a baby.

Santamaria, I apologize.

I can no longer work for you,

as my mom cannot handle me
having a career.

What?

I guess it's true what they say.

Teenage boys can't have it all.

♪

So my mom told Rhonda
I wanted half of the building,

and she was not happy about it.

Hey, thanks for coming.

We, uh... We need to talk.

I don't even know why I'm here.
Honestly, I don't.

I don't normally speak to people

that steal my garage-door openers

and half my inheritance.

I wasn't trying to steal it, all right?

We've never had any property
to pass down to our children.

This is our first chance
at having a legacy.

I don't have time
to think about a legacy.

I'm using deodorant
that's also toothpaste.

How much could you possibly be saving?

A lot.

Just because Mom says that you
could have the duplex

doesn't mean that's what's right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Could you just state your full name

and detail exactly
what Ruby Johnson said

regarding her wishes for
property Slauson Avenue?

Really?

- You're recording this?
- Yeah.

My lawyer said it's a good idea.

You got a lawyer?

You hired a lawyer to go against
your own flesh and blood?

[BELL ABOVE DOOR JINGLES]

Hold up. Did you hire a lawyer?!

Of course not! Hey, go away, sir!

No, I do not want to buy a rose!

Shoo!

I know why you're mad, Dre. I do.

Our whole life you had Mom to yourself.

And now she and I are getting along.

She wants to leave me something.

And you can't handle it.

Mom just wants to give it to you

because she doesn't think that
you have anything else

going on in your life.

Really, Dre?

I... Rhonda...

No, I don't think
there's anything left to say.

I'll see you in court.

Joke's on you!

[BELL ABOVE DOOR JINGLES]

That was your muffin! Huh!

- Dre, I can't believe you got a lawyer.
- I had to.

It was so obvious that
we should each get half.

You need to let this alone.

What?

Dre, you don't need a building.

Rhonda does.

The point is, I need to break her

until the only thing she's good at

is yelling at cars.

What?

Have you been talking to
those people at work?

I never talk to those people.

You need to be mindful

about who you're taking advice from

before you blow up your family.

Look, I don't want that to happen.

You know my family is the most
important thing to me.

I know that, babe.

I didn't even want to talk
about my mother dying.

It just puts it out there
in the universe.

Is that how that works?

Talk about your mom dying,

and it's more possible she'll die?

Stop that.

- Mom dying.
- Bow.

- Dying.
- Bow!

Dying.

♪

Hey, who bought this cereal?

I did. I'm stepping up my game.

This is basically a sugar b*mb.

I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.

Mm-hmm. Ooh! Race you to school?!

Bye!

Bye.

[SIGHS]

I...

I have taken you for granted, Junior,

and I am sorry.

You have been such a big help

while I've been sleep-training Devante.

But... sweetheart,

you're a lot.

I am.

But...

I need a lot.

You do.

Yeah.

- I just like to feel needed...
- I know.

- ...by you.
- Oh.

Not Auntie-maria.

- [DEVANTE CRYING]
- Ooh, yeah.

You heard that?

Baby's not gonna take care of himself.

All right. [CHUCKLES]

Junior's coming, Devante!

♪

- Unh-unh, no. I'm not doing it. No.
- Hey. Hey. Come on, Rhonda.

I had to cancel other Lyfts
just to get you.

This does not come cheap.

Fine.

[BEEPS]

And we are headed to
Forgive Me Avenue?

That isn't a real address.

Okay, just... just take me anywhere.

I only wanted us to have a legacy

so we have something
to pass down to our kids.

I hate fighting with you.

I hate fighting with you, too, Dre.

I do. It's just...
I don't have it like you.

Sharon and I are really
struggling right now.

I'm starting to believe she's
not that great of a mechanic.

I didn't mean it that...
you're not gonna go anywhere.

All right? You know, things will change.

I see you out there hustling
the way Mom used to.

- Ooh, that woman used to hustle!
- Mm-hmm.

- Remember that?!
- Yeah.

Ooh, remember when she used to ask us

- to come pick up the rent with her?
- [CHUCKLES]

Clicking along in her tracksuit
with her little kitten heels.

g*n in her purse, just 'cause.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, we had a lot of memories
in that building.

We can't let it just go.

Hey, hey, hey. What are we stopping for?

Oh, you chose Lyft Line.
This is a shared ride.

Hey. I'm Mike.

My wife kicked me out.

Ooh, I'm sorry about that, Mike.
Phone charger?

Oh, no, I'm good. I mean, I'm not,

but, uh, I don't need a charger.

We're kind of in the middle
of a family thing, Mike.

Hey, since neither one of us
wants to sell,

maybe we could figure out something

that works for both of us,
like a buyout.

You'd do that, Dre?

Of course I would.

You're my sister. I got you.

Thank you.

Now, can we please stop
talking about Mom dying?

My mom d*ed.

My stepmom, but still, it hurt.

How far are you going, man?

I'm not really going anywhere.
I just wanted to talk.

Is that cool?

Oh. I...

Okay, Grandma, we need
one more thing for our project

- on how things used to be.
- Okay.

So what's something from
the past that you miss?

[SCOFFS] Quaaludes.

- What are Quaaludes?
- Ruby!

Um... smoking cigarettes
in the hospital.

Okay. Ruby, they're children, so...

Okay, fine.

Littering.

Fur coats, butter.

Uh, oh, adult cinemas.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Making love in a car.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- You know, ohh.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was... Thank you.

That was...

- Um, can you say those again?
- No.

- Like, so we can write it down.
- No.