04x15 - White Breakfast

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Parenting. It's probably
the most important part

of being a parent.

And growing up, my mom
parented the hell out of me.

Little boy! You got homework!

And you made me ruin my oatmeal mask.

So, now, I'm gonna ruin your ass.

So, now that I'm a parent,

I demand the same good behavior
from my kids...

especially at our school's
pancake breakfast fundraisers.

Okay, guys. How do we cut our food?

BOTH: Continental style. Tines down.

Mm-hmm. And remember, chew
each bite at least times.

- Yeah.
- I-I-I have oatmeal.

- Chew it.
- Mm-hmm.

That's how you become a winner in life.

Yep.

Unlike your weirdo classmates over there.

[BELL CHIMES]

Jar put his boots
right on the table. Baller.

Hey, don't you worry about
what Jar is doing.

That's "White Breakfast."

You just sit back and enjoy
your "Black Breakfast".

And remember, if you ever misbehave,

it's a reflection on
our entire community.

Wha... how...

Ooh!

Handle it.

Excuse me.

Hi. Your daughter just took
my bacon and broke my yolk.

It's okay. She believes
in communal food.

Really? Well, here's the thing...

I think that's stupid.

Father, may we please be excused
to use the lavatory?

Of course you may, my children.

[GIGGLES]

I am so proud that
we are raising perfect kids.

When you know right, you do right.

- Cheers!
- Cheerio!

And since my system works
and my kids never misbehave,

I never expected this news
from their teacher...

I caught these kids showing these kids

how to spray paint the bathroom.

Now, I won't tell you
what they were painting,

but, Mr. Johnson, you have one,
and, Mrs. Johnson, you don't.

You spray paint a bathroom?!

I burn your clothes.

[FIRE WHIRS AND CRACKLES]

- [BOTH GASP]
- [DRE LAUGHS]

Now, for the fun part.
Give me your favorites.

Oh, this is really gonna hurt, guys!

No. Your real favorites,

not the crap that your mother buys you.

Goodbye, yellow dress and baseball bat

that made me feel like Beyoncé.

JACK: [VOICE BREAKING]
So long, camo pajamas.

I guess I'll see you in my dreams...

[NORMAL VOICE] unless I dream
about a forest.

Let them burn!

We raised you to follow rules
and obey authority.

What got into you?

We were just...

Sit yo' five-dollar ass down
before I make change!

We only did it because George
and Jar were doing it.

BOTH: Ugh. George and Jar?!

They are a bad influence on you guys.

You can't see them anymore.

Oh, that won't be hard,
because you're grounded.

For six months.

Yeah! Half a year, b*tches!

B-B-Babies!

No, no, no, stick with it.

And that is the gist
of the American Revolution.

Thank you for your enthusiasm, Andre.

All right, guys,
read chapter for tomorrow.

That was amazing.
I mean, there was just something

about the way you taught it
that was, like,

"Were we gonna be free of British rule?

I don't know!"

Okay, I am gonna get
this monstrosity to the car.

Can you believe it fits in a hatchback?

Well, um, let me help you.

I'm actually in the market
for a new whip.

Really looking at the hatchback brand.

- Yeah.
- So, what kind of music do you listen to?

Um, I'm really into ' s gangsta rap.

Oh, yeah.

What up? Whoo-hoo! West side!

[CHUCKLES]

- Argh!
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right. Let's get this
to your car, yeah.

Thank you.

Whoo! Hey, guys.

Whoa, you're in a good mood.

Why wouldn't I be?

- I finally broke my kids.
- Mm!

Why would you want
to break your children?

So they could be better at life.

That never actually worked for me, Dre.

I mean, I tried to be
the authority figure, you know.

Always saying stuff like,
"Hey, brush your teeth"

or "They're going to ban you
from the mall".

But if you're too strict with your kids,

they won't think you're cool, you know.

- Boom!
- Whoa!

Cool dab, Dad.

Either your fly or you're not fly.

I don't care what my kids think.
They don't get to think.

I think for them.

I wish somebody would think
for me... or even about me.

I didn't get to have a thought
until I was

and my mother was away
on a church weekend.

Then, when she came home
and found out I was thinking,

she slapped the thoughts
right out of me.

- Ooh.
- Didn't think again till college.

Mm. I didn't have my first thought

until after my mother d*ed.

Then I was slapped by her ghost.

You would think it'd go
right through you.

It does not.

Her ghost wore a ring.

Okay, Charlie, how... because
the ring is real and the ghost,

it would just fall... not work.

No. It was a ring from Tiffany's.

Tiffany is dead, too.

Thanks for the ride.

So, did you like it?

Like what?

The Hyundai.

I loved it. Really hugs the road.

- Yeah.
- Well, thanks for the ride.

It... The door sticks.
Here. Let me help you.

Just trying to...

What in Luther Vandross' name?!

Who was that grown-ass woman?

Oh, that's just Barbara,
my history teacher.

Barbara? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, so, now we're calling
grown-ass teachers

by their first names?

Well, she likes to be relatable.

Oh, I'm sure she does.

I saw the way she looked at you.
And when she leaned over

to open the car door, she lingered.

She did not linger, Grandma.
Her... Her door sticks.

She's into you.

Yeah, right. Grandma, you're
reading too much into things.

Oh, no. I know my lingerers.

Hell, I linger.

[APPLAUSE]

Even though I stopped Jack and Diane

from hanging out with George and Jar,

I still had to see their dumb faces

at the dumb science fair.

And our next science project
is from George and Jar.

♪

Ugh. These two.

You see what happens

when your parents don't love you
enough to b*at you?

You're welcome.

...just upload your drawing,
and the app we created

will transform it into the style
of any artist.

Want to paint like Picasso?

You just did it.

Rembrandt!

Basquiat!

- Oh, my God.
- No way.

I need this.

Me, too.

Boom!

Okay, guys, guys.

So, George and Jar's
idea is... It's okay.

Yeah?

What... What are you guys
presenting for next week?

Ours is on a whole nother level.

Yeah.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Okay. What is it?

Baking soda volcano.

Boom.

DRE: I look good,
even with an apple face.

- Yeah.
- This should be our Christmas card.

Yeah. Okay.

George and Jar used coding,
art history, algorithms.

Jack and Diane are, like,

two steps away from being flat-earthers.

Baking soda volcano.

So dumb!

I can't believe our kids
are thinking so small.

Well, I can, Dre.

Huh?

You tell them over and over again

they shouldn't think until college.

You act like this house
is a communist country.

[SIGHS]

By trying to make them perfect,
we've been holding them back.

Yeah. God.

You know, this is
straight out of that article

that I e-mailed you.

Yes.

Straight out of that article.

You didn't read it, did you?

Ah, damn it, Bow, you e-mail me so much.

- What?
- "Can you pick up Junior today?"

Uh, "Junior's still waiting."

"There's a strange man who
dropped Junior off in a van."

Well, anyway, the article
was saying that Black children

are more afraid of authority,
afraid to take risks.

- Mm-hmm.
- I just... I think we should

loosen our grip on our children,

and then, maybe, they can
become innovators.

- Hmm.
- Who knows?

Maybe one of them is
the next Steve Jobs.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- I love Steve Jobs.
- I know.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the future.

[CHUCKLES]

[HUSHED] I-I've asked you
a million times

not to dress like this
when Microsoft is here.

[LAUGHS]

Dress like what?

Great news, guys.

You're no longer grounded.

We are giving you the freedom to go out

and win this science fair.

Doesn't that sound great?

- Mm-hmm.
- What's the move here?

Are we allowed to talk?

DIANE: I don't know.

- This feels like a trap.
- No. No, no, no.

We want you to talk and think
and have a voice.

- Yes!
- Your voice matters.

It matters, guys.

- Aww!
- Uh-huh.

- That's so nice.
- Yes!

- Definitely a trap.
- No, no.

Guys, go!

- Yes.
- Go! Just dream. Discover!

And if you are gonna do a volcano,

don't just build the volcano...

- Mnh-mnh.
- ...be the volcano! Psssh!

Do whatever you want to do,
just as long as it's cooler...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...than George and Jar.

Please. Like, seriously, please.

Mm-hmm.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, did you dump your little girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

But if I'm being honest,
I think I might have a sh*t.

JUNIOR: She asked me to stay
after class to erase the board,

but I think she was coming on to me.

It's nice to have a tall guy around.

Yeah, somebody has a sh*t...

your teacher... at jail.

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, Grandma was
a sophomore in high school

and fully developed.

Ew.

Male teachers noticed,

especially Mr. Whittset.

Now, I noticed him noticing me,

and one night, we noticed a movie.

To make a long story short,
he lost his kids,

and thanks to me, my school
didn't have a math department.

Now, do you get what I'm saying?

You know I don't.

[STERNLY] Stay away from Ms. Barbara.

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm not gonna
let you m*rder someone's husband

so your teacher can get out
of a bad marriage.

Now get up and get on out of here!

Pull your pants up!

[LAUGHS]

Hello, wunderkinds.

Hey, hey, hey!

What is cooking up in
the imagination station, huh?

Come on, man, you don't
have to work at the desk.

Come on. Go sit on the ball.

All right? Write on your bed.

Yeah, guys! Loosen up, you know?

- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know...

kick a hacky sack, ride a Segway,

Ping-Pong table, you know what I mean?

Hey! A little brain jazz!

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH SCATTING]

Uh, are you guys on dr*gs?

- No!
- Mnh-mnh.

All right, we're just saying "Be free."

- Yeah.
- You can do anything.

- Anything.
- A-Anything?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, I can wear my Nike shorts
with my Adidas slides?

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes... no...

- Ah, hell no...
- No, baby...

Babe, innovators don't need to
match their athletic gear.

He's not innovating!

Okay, this is gonna be
tougher than I thought.

- Dre...
- Huh?

- ...it is worth it.
- Okay.

DRE: Our kids had been coloring
inside the lines for so long...

- Unh-unh.
- ...we needed to jump-start their creativity.

Outside the box.

Ah, much better.

- Dad...
- Hmm?

...we've been pacing for two hours.
Are you sure this works?

This is how everyone brainstorms
in Silicon Valley, all right?

If you have a static body,
you have a static mind.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

Great. Use it.

The best ideas come in a dream state.

I'm dream-walking right now.

Our plan was working.

Our kids were turning
into free thinkers.

Here, sign this.

We got detention
for thinking too freely.

Okay, today we're gonna read "Sounder."

[GROANS]

We just read "Old Yeller."

Seems like we've been reading
a lot of novels about dead dogs.

How come we're not reading
novels written by dead dogs?

Are you on dr*gs?

Are you?

Now I feel like
I want to do dr*gs again,

if I'm being real with y'all.

Normally, I would be pissed...

but I'm proud of you!

[LAUGHS]

But next time, question White authority.

But this is a good start.

- All right.
- Come on.

Bring it in. Bring it in. Aah!

So, when it was Jack and Diane's turn

to present at STEM Sunday,

we knew they were going to
blow everyone away,

and we'd record every minute of it.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Volcano.

Triggered by the convergence
or the divergence

of the Earth's tectonic plates.

Gases and magma erupt through a vent.

Please stand by.

You're about to witness an eruption.

- [SIREN BLARES]
- [ROBOT VOICE] , , , , .

Puberty.

The convergence or divergence
of the body's tectonic plates.

Emotions erupt through a vent.

Hormones. Boy crushes. Enemies.

Frienemies.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Okay. Um...

[LAUGHS]

I don't want to be one of those
parents who films everything.

Lava.

Java.

Kava.

Guava.

Maybe you shouldn't, either.
You shouldn't.

Are you starting to get it?

- Nope.
- No.

Drano.

Insane-o.

BOTH: Volcano.

Uh...

Very nice.

♪

- Oh, wow!
- Wow.

- You... you guys did it!
- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, you were up there, okay?
- Uh-huh.

You were on that stage.

[LAUGHING] On the stage.

- "You were up there"?
- Uh-huh.

You really think an accurate
description of our location

is what's going to pass as a compliment?

- Oh.
- Uh, we...

we were living in the moment.
We... You don't...

We know you hated it.

- N...
- And I looked into the crowd

and saw your faces where your
iPhones should've been.

Hurtful.

- My... M-My battery was dead.
- Oh, okay.

Listen, guys,
not every experiment succeeds.

- No.
- But you never know if this is gonna

lead to something else.

- I mean...
- Mm-hmm.

...like... Viagra...

- Uh, what?
- ...was s-supposed...

supposed to be
a blood-pressure medication.

What's Viagra?

I don't need it. Okay? I don't.

But the fact is, you took a risk.

No. We took your risk.

Oh.

We wanted to do a baking-soda volcano.

And congratulations to
our winners, Chloe and Rose,

for their classic baking-soda volcano.

Uh...

Looks like they just won
for the thing you wanted to do.

That was a hot mess, y'all... hot mess.

RAINBOW: Yeah.

Wow.

That was rough.

Dre, we pushed them way too hard.

And that bizarre display of nonsense

wasn't what they wanted.
That was what we wanted.

And why did we want that?

Dre, I wanted our babies
to know that they can fly.

Well, gravity won that round.

You know, growing up,
I did whatever my mother said.

- Mm-hmm.
- I played it safe,

just like she wanted me to,
and it worked.

I survived.

Even when she wanted me
to get that safe government job,

I took it.

Then, I realized that,
if I wanted to be happy,

I needed to defy her
and do my own thing.

You know, it was the opposite for me.

- Hmm?
- My parents didn't give me any structure.

Baby, you were basically feral.

I wasn't feral.

Yeah, okay, fine.

So, I... I didn't...
I didn't wear shoes.

- And?
- And I had a pet chicken,

and I didn't see a clock
till I was , but...

- Feral.
- Yeah, all right, fine.

So, I defied my parents
by going into the strictest,

most disciplined profession
in the world.

Okay, you're just a doctor.

And not even a doctor
that does brain stuff.

Okay, Dre, well, you know what?

You had too much structure,
I didn't have enough structure,

so what are we gonna give our kids?

- I don't know.
- Hmm.

I guess we could tell them
that we're gonna root for them

even if they break away from us.

As long as they don't eat
off of strangers' plates...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and mix athletic brands, all right?

I cannot have them looking like
Eastern Europeans.

♪

Hey.

Did you dump Barbara,
or am I driving a getaway car?

We had a conversation.

Barbara...

this has to stop.

What has to stop?

Maybe, in an alternate universe,
we could be together.

We could rent a condo by the beach.

When I'm , you'll be .

That's not unreasonable.

So, let's put this on hold until then.

What are you talking about?

Andre, you're my student.

It never crossed my mind.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. Me, neither.

What would we even do in that condo?

[GROANS]

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

Nah, it's cool,
'cause I noticed something.

Can you erase the top
of the board for me?

Thanks.

♪

Grandma, I think I may be
a piece of ass.

Oh! A piece of ass?

Welcome to the club. [LAUGHS]

It's a blessing...

and a curse.

♪

We realized we didn't have to
be so strict all the time,

especially when we were having pancakes.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm. Go for it.

Go ahead... put your elbows
on the table.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Wow.

My back pain just went away.

You guys can chew as much
or as little as you'd like.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is gonna be fun.

[COUGHS, GASPS]

- Rules are there to protect us.
- DRE: Mm-hmm.

All right. Let's see what's so important

that your mother had to put
in an e-mail rather than text.

- Oh. Wow.
- [DEVANTE COOS]

I missed a lot of
parent/teacher conferences.

Hmm. Mm.

Jack had scabies? Ugh!

All right, hopefully that didn't
spread to... Yep, mm-hmm.

Diane got it, too.

I have unread e-mails
from your mommy.

Oh. You know what?

Uh, Devante... No! No, Devante!

No. Don't you put your hands
on my keyboard.

What? Drag that to the trash?

Mnh-mnh! N...

- [COMPUTER PLAYS NOISE]
- Uh-oh! You deleted them.

You're such a good boy. [CHUCKLES]

So advanced. You know what?

You're gonna be the next Steve Jobs.

Let's go find you a turtleneck.

How do you get out of here?

It's cool.

I know how to do it.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Let's go.