04x18 - Black Math

Episode transcripts for the TV show "blackish". Aired September 2014 - current.*
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A family man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his kids in a predominantly white, upper-middle-class neighborhood.
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04x18 - Black Math

Post by bunniefuu »

Amy Taylor's son got into Harvard.

And Suzanna's son got into Penn.

Why haven't we heard back
from Junior's schools?

- I don't know.
- That's because I opted for paper mail

instead of e-mail
for all of my notifications.

Ooh, okay.

What kind of weirdo chooses snail mail?

Sorry that I'm a romantic,

but I wanted to do it the same
way that my ancestors did.

Okay, well, your ancestors
didn't go to college.

They were sold by a college.

- Oh, God, Dre.
- Okay? Remember that.

Oh.

Howard University has responded.

My alma mater.

Don't you mess this up.

Um... how can you ruin
opening an envelope?

You've seen the boy open presents.



Oh, my God.

[SIGHS] It's a baseball glove.

And this is a bat.

Let me see, boy.

Let's see what Howard
has to say. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, "Dear Andre J...

You've been accepted
to Howard University

on a full academic scholarship"!

Yes! And they gave us a bumper sticker!

Congratulations. Open this one.

- What, what, what?
- Whoa.

I got into Stanford.

- Wait, really?
- What?

- Really.
- I-I mean, of course you did, sweetie!

Well, sadly, the financial aid
isn't nearly as good.

- Oh.
- Ah. Well, then,

I guess there's obviously
only one choice.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- We're going to Stanford!
- We're going to Stanford!

- Whoo!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Sweetheart! Oh, oh! Come on.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

What about Howard?

Oh! Ah!

Get that out of here.

Okay, parentals, gotta run
and see what it takes

to get into the gluten-free dorm.

- All right? All right.
- [LAUGHS] Yes!

Okay. Whoo! This is so exciting!

Yeah, it is, baby.

Can't we at least talk about this?

Sweetie, he's been gluten-free
for like a month now.

And... And he thinks
it gives him more energy.

- Which is probably true.
- I'm talking about us

basically dismissing
a full ride from Howard

like it's nothing.

Yes, but he did get into Stanford.

[QUIETLY] Stanford.

Mm-hmm, yes, but he also got
into Howard, all right?

He could be a legacy kid at my Zamunda.

You mean the fake country
that Eddie Murphy left

when he wanted to go work at McDowell's?

- You watched it?
- No, I-I read about it on Wikipedia.

- [SIGHS]
- You know I can't watch Eriq La Salle.

- Babe.
- What?

Howard could be Junior's Zamunda.

I know, Dre, but he really
wants to go to Stanford.

He loved it so much when
we went on the college tour.

Okay, and how many historically
black universities

did he visit on that tour?

Uh, none. We didn't...
We didn't go to any.

Yeah, this is what
I'm talking about, Bow.

We are about to toss Howard to the side

because white people say
Stanford is a better school.

White people used to say that

direct sunlight was good for you.

Now they walking around here
with parts of their nose gone.

- Okay.
- White people

don't always get it right, Bow.

Dre... this is not
a black and white issue.

The boy spent his whole life
with white kids, Bow.

This is his one sh*t
at a real blackening.

Dre, I understand the importance
of Howard. I do.

But the plan has always been
to get our kids

into the best schools possible

so that they could have more
possibilities than we had.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

I wish you were the one
going away to college.

I did have a really good time
during my college years.

I went to school with Diddy.

I think his name is Love now.

His name is Puff Daddy Diddy Love.

Was it Sean when you guys
were in college?

- DRE: No!
- Did you know him?

I did.

So, not sure if everyone
heard the big news,

but I got into Stanford.

- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations.
- Oh, congratulations, baby!

You know I always knew

not being popular
was gonna pay off for you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Thanks, Grandma.

That feeling when your older brother's

finally leaving home for good?

[LAUGHTER]

That's funny. That's a good one, Jack.

Well played, buddy.

You are really starting
to discover your comedic voice.

Is he?

I mean, everyone knows that
I'm the funny one. Like...

[SCOFFS] Jealous sister got me like...

[LAUGHTER]

Got me like...

Now that's funny. [LAUGHS]

Are you guys serious?

He's just doing stupid memes
that he saw online.

Don't you see it?

Diane, baby, don't be so bitter.

[CHUCKLES] The laughs were undeniable.

Uh, #Mood.

Hey, look at this!

[LAUGHTER]

STEVENS: Okay, g*ng.

I need pitches on a new account

for this energy drink called Savagery.

One small note... side effects
include liver palpitations.

- Go!
- Uh, okay.

"Savagery. For when you need
your liver to...

palpitate."

Great pitch, pumpkin.

Going straight at the problem.

Now, remember,
we're trying to get this product

into elementary schools.

Charlie, what do you got?

Uh, "Savagery...

don't worry, you got two livers."

Outstanding.
Kids are hilariously trusting.

Dre.

My family is stupid.

No one wants Junior to go to Howard,

even though he got a full scholarship.

FYI... it's pronounced Harvard.

Why wouldn't they want Junior
to go to Harvard?

T-That's where I went, by the way.

Not sure if I told you guys.

Actually, gentlemen, I believe
Dre is saying "Howard"...

- Yes.
- ...like the duck.

No, the historically black
college where I went to school.

I could swear that you told me
that you went to Harvard

- when I interviewed you.
- No.

I mean, not that
I wouldn't have hired you

if I had known that you went
to some school for blacks

that obviously white people
abandon. I mean...

I don't understand. If you guys
can go to our normal colleges,

then why do you need your own?

Yeah.

Because we weren't always allowed

into your "normal" colleges.

Do you have any idea

how many successful black
Americans went to HBCUs?

No.

MLK, Spike Lee, Diddy,

Ta-Nehisi Coates, Kamala Harris, Oprah.

My cousin Raymar, Delvon,
and Lil Big Man, too.

They all did a semester
at Grambling State

before hitting it big
in the copper industry.

I didn't know your cousins
were copper miners.

Copper sellers, actually.

You know, when people move,

they leave copper pipes
laying around in their walls,

like they just got money
like that, you know?

Oprah and I would not be
where we are today

- had it not been for black colleges.
- Facts.

And we're all sitting around
the same table

doing the same work
and getting equal pay.

Except you're not exactly
getting equal...

- Uh-uh-uh.
- What?

- Bumpkin, no, no.
- What?

Oh, my God! It's lunchtime.

- What?!
- [LAUGHS] I just... I...

- Gotta go. Gotta go!
- Sushi truck!



Didn't we just get to work?

Yeah, they doing something to us.

When they all go eat together,

that's when we should get nervous.

RUBY: Action!

Steppin' into the weekend like...

All right. No, no, no, no, no.

Cut! Cut!

This time, I want you
to really make me believe

that you're goin' into the weekend!

Like you say you are.

Okay.

Steppin' into the weekend like...

Yeah, that's it, baby! Ha-ha!

That's Grandma's baby.

Seriously, guys?

Jack is not funny. Are we still on this?

Well, not only are we still on this,

but Grandma's decided
to come out of retirement

and help manage Jack's career.

You know, I used to work
with Sinbad. Hey!

Actually, Grandma,

I've been thinking about dabbling

in the entertainment industry myself.

Maybe you can take me on
as a client, too, like...

Oh, Diane. Sweetie, I don't think so.

You know, family and show business

- just don't mix.
- Mm.

But you literally just said
you're managing Jack.

Well, yeah, I guess I did say
that. [CHUCKLES]

All right, sweetie, fine.

But before we sign any paperwork,

you should know I, uh... [CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERS] I never worked with Sinbad.



Mm. Pack your bags.

Because we are going to
take a trip to Zamunda

whether your mother likes it or not.

Actually, I think that's a great idea.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.

Can you take a look at my luggage

to make sure I packed appropriately?

Considering Howard is so far from home,

with so many unknown variables...

- What the hell is this, huh? AC/DC?
- What?

- It's f...
- Boy, where are your Timbs?

- Sweetie...
- Uh, uh, where's your Pelle Pelle?

Boy, you don't even have
a do-rag in here.

- I...
- They are gonna eat you alive.

You know what?

Dre!

I'm gonna pack for you.

Mom, please get him to drop Howard.

Junior, you know that the more
you fight it,

the harder he's gonna push.

Just get it over with.

Then you can go to Stanford.

Son, you know what?
Your clothes are all wrong.

Here. You can wear
my butterscotch Pelle Pelle.

This is a XL.

That's how we wear it at HU.

You're not ready for this.

I swear I thought I threw that away.

I don't know why he still has that.

Me. Also me.

Mmm.

Jack the Entertainer,

the Original King of Comedy.

[LAUGHS] It's gonna be a big moneymaker.

[CHUCKLES] Look at this.

You already got , followers.

Thank you, Grandma.

I couldn't have done it without
you threatening to whup me

when my jokes don't land.

Me and Joe Jackson...
we get results. [LAUGHS]

Go on. Show 'em that
million-dollar smile.

Okay, G...

Um, Diane, can you... can you just move?

Your head is in my light.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, your head.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

Okay, Google. Take a selfie.

Yeah, put something on it, baby. Yeah.

Well, what about my page?

[CHUCKLES] Well, let me see.

Ooh! Firefighters. Really?

Sure they went into burning buildings,

but where are they after the fire

when people need help putting
their lives back together?


Well, you're already up to...

followers.

Oh, that's almost .

But I will say, Diane,
your page is decently formatted.

How is my smart comedy

not getting as much traffic as Jack's

flaming dumpster of
social media rip-offs?

Since when do people love
mediocre content?

DRE: All right, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

The cold weather is part of how
all the brothers and sisters

of Zamunda come together
to overcome adversity

and form lifelong bonds
that you can only get

right here at HBCU.

I've never met one person
you went to college with.

Boy, shut up.

Now, brace yourself for black utopia.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Look at 'em! Protesting the man!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

Actually, kinda looks
like they're protesting

against each other.

No. No, they...

they just arguing over
who hates the man more.

- [SIREN WAILS]
- Step on the other side of this line, homie!

Let's get outta here
before the police come.

Come on.



HU!

Huh, apparently they didn't hear me

because they were supposed
to respond with "You know."

All right, we're gonna try this again.

The acoustics are much better
in this part of the library.

I used to scream in here all the time.

Now, here we go. Watch this.

HU!

Hey, we're studying.

Mm-hmm.

See, that's how black people
tell other black people

that you're bothering 'em.

My bad. Let's roll.

Oh, son, look at campus life!

This is the epicenter of black-tivities.

You know, this is where I learned about

my first slam poetry reading.

I like to call this one

"My High Top Fade."

My high top fade is so sharp,

it will cut you to your heart.

- I'm from Compton...
- STUDENT: Man, you suck!

...but I know Jimmy from Lynwood.


I wonder why I never stuck with that.

Maybe we should see if
there's some slam poetry

- going on tonight.
- There isn't.

Can we just go back to the hotel?

Are you sure?

Sinbad's opening for Coolio
in the library.



Never mind. I-It's a Coolio cover band.

Puppies. For real?

You kidnapped a dog's baby.

Congratulations.

RUBY: Sweet Black Jesus.

You're like a tiny,
little brown Ann Coulter.

Right? I don't understand
why I can't get a following.

Do you think I'm ahead of my time?

Your time where, baby?

In hell?

You're taking sh*ts
at everything we all love.

But isn't that whole point of comedy?

Okay.

This part of the job's never easy.

Diane...

I am no longer able
to represent you as a client.

Wait, what?

How come?

You don't want to do this. Look at you.

You even came to the meeting
in your pajamas.

But it's almost bedtime.

When Michael Jackson was your age,

he slept in show clothes just in case.

You know who wore pajamas?

LaToya.

Who's LaToya?

Uh-huh.



Hey. Hey.

Hey, guys.

How'd it go?

Fine.

I'm pretty tired, though.

So I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Okay, good night.

Well...

did you have fun?

- Of course not.
- Oh, really?

I tried to show him everything

- I loved about Howard.
- Mm.

And between the black-on-black protest

- and the weirdo nerd culture...
- [LAUGHS]

...the entire thing ended up
being an absolute disaster.

I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.

But for what it's worth, Dre,

you do keep remembering all
the good stuff about Howard

and conveniently forgetting
all the challenges.

What challenges?

Like how tough it was for you

to reintegrate back into society.

Howard University, huh?

What do they teach there, black math?

[CHUCKLES]



I guess there was one or two white men

who made some ridiculous
assumptions about Howard.

Do you remember all of the catching up

on white culture that you had to do?

What?! Hey, can you believe Dre
doesn't know Elvis Costello?

Of course he knows Elvis Costello!

Everyone knows Elvis Costello.

Play "Alison." Dre, you'll know this.

- Listen. Wait a minute. Listen for it.
- Come on.

- ["ALISON" PLAYS]
- You know this, right?

No, I-I don't think so.

Okay, go to the chorus.
Everyone knows the chorus.

- ♪ Alison
- Just listen. Ready?

- ♪ I know this world is k*lling you
- No, I don't know the chorus, either.

That's because you keep talking. Shh.

Look, guys, I've never heard
this song before in my life.

- ♪ Alison
- Yes, you have.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, yeah!

- I love this song!
- I knew it.

I can't believe they made me
feel some type of way

about not knowing
some white mediocre artist

when they don't know any of our
black mediocre artists.

Dre, it wasn't just the music
that made you feel out of place.

- Not knowing their movies...
- Mm-hmm.

...books, TV shows.

I-I can never get back all those hours

I spent watching
"Everybody Loves Raymond."

Mm-hmm.

You loved "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Hey, hey. This is not about me.

We are talking about
how unhappy it made you

that you couldn't relate
to any of your co-workers.

Is that really what you want for Junior?

Kinda.

Damn it!

I think the boy's gonna
have to go to Stanford.

Yesss!

Mm!

[DIANE AND GRANDMA LAUGH]

RUBY: Look at you, baby.
I'm so proud of you.

Oh, these shoulders!

Um, w-what's so funny?

[LAUGHTER]

- Oh, my God.
- What is this?

- What? I'm just sayin'.
- [LAUGHS]

Uh, what's that?

I-I don't get it.

Well, what's not to get?

Diane found her catchphrase.

It's a gold mine, boy.
Don't be petty about it.

Let's be honest, Jack.

It's not the first time
you don't get something.

What? I'm just sayin'!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're such a hypocrite.

We're gonna sell so many t-shirts!

You hear that?
We're gonna be selling t-shirts

'cause I'm the funny one.

[LAUGHS] And mugs, too!

- And mugs.
- Come on, baby! [LAUGHS]

Son. Uh...

I've been thinking.

And your mother and I think
you should go to Stanford.

Actually, Dad,

I don't wanna go to Stanford anymore.

- You don't?
- You don't?

It's a great school,

- and I'm really happy I was accepted...
- Mm-hmm.

...but when we went to Howard,
I felt something... special.

From the moment we got there,

everything about it made me feel
proud and excited to be black.


Again, except Dad.

Of course I've seen black kids
protest before,


but Howard is the only place
I've ever seen black kids


on opposite sides of the same protest.

I-I've never seen so many

different kinds of black people
in one place...


rich kids, poor kids, middle class,

Southern, Republican, Democrat.

It was like the only thing that
defined being black at Howard


was being proud that you are.

And remember that one girl
in the down bomber jacket


who said I needed to stop staring at her

or she'd punch me in the face?

I think she might be my future wife.

I'm sorry I was so close-minded.

But I'm really happy
that you took me to Howard.

Son, I'm... really proud of you

for making this decision and...

and for also having the blind courage

to think that you could
get with that girl

who wanted to punch you in the face.

That's how I knew she was the one.

I had a really hard time

returning to the white world
after school.

And I'm worried that you
won't hear "Alison" at Howard

and people are gonna give you
a hard time for that.

The Elvis Costello song?

- You know that?
- Of course.

It's a beautiful song, actually.

Maybe I could be the black kid

who introduces other black kids
at Howard to Elvis Costello.

That way, they don't have to go
through what you went through, Dad.

But... I bet you

that there are plenty
of girls at Stanford

who would happily punch you in the face.

They would love to do that.

- You sound desperate.
- That's... N...

You know what, son?

The next time we fly to Howard,

I'll make sure we have two seats

next to each other on the plane.



HU!

You know!

[LAUGHS] You are a legacy kid, son!

Bow! He's a legacy kid.

- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what I hate?

When you're finally early to class

but that's the one day
your teacher's running late.

Chomp-chomp-chicken!

The other day, I sat down
and watched the game,

but I realized I recorded
the Spanish version.

Chomp-chomp-chicken!

Oh, God, I hate myself.

Eh. You get used to it.

What? She's just sayin'. Hey!

[LAUGHING] Just sayin'.
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