11x08 - What Have I Done?

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CARLY: Jake Blum's office.

Oh, hey!
Larry David calling for Jake.

-Oh, hey, Larry, how are ya?
-Oh. Couldn't be better.

Oh, good.
Hey, I read the script.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah?

-Oh, yeah. Um--
-Ah, you read the script.

-I d-- I did.
-LARRY DAVID: Well,
congratulations.

-You can read. That's so great.
-Hey, did you call earlier?

Our phones have been down
all day.

Yeah, I was calling to see
if Jake had converted.

Ba-dump-bump. (INHALES)

-What's that?
-Ba-dump-bump.

-(CHUCKLES) You know?
-Hmm, yeah.

That's what I thought you did.

-I'll get Jake for ya.
-Yeah and while you're at it,

maybe you can think
of an adjective for the script.

-(PHONE BEEPS)
-Jake, I've got Larry David
on the phone for you.

-Larry, bubbie. How are ya?
-LARRY: Good.

Listen, we have to recast
the young Larry part

and, uh, it's gonna take
a couple of weeks

before we can start rehearsal.

Okay. It's your show.
We're just paying for it.

Thank you.
I appreciate that. By the way,

your, uh, assistant...

-gave me a, "Ba-dump-bump."
-"Ba-dump-bump?"

Yeah, like I'm a comic
in the Catskills.

By the way, she is on the call.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Hi, Larry. I'm--
I'm still here, so...

Why is she on the phone?

She's my assistant, Larry.
She takes notes,

-that's part of the gig.
-LARRY: No! It's not part
of the gig.

She's not a court stenographer.

I've taken notes on all--
all of your calls, just a FYI.

LARRY: Get off the phone.
Jake, get her off the phone.

Should I be writing all this,
Jake?

No, you should get
the f*ck off the phone.

-I'm getting-- I'm off. Okay.
-JAKE: Hang up.

-Hang up. She's hanging up,
Larry. She's hanging up.
-I'm off of the phone.

-JAKE: Hang up.
-Everything is off.

-I think she's off now.
-Don't ever do that to me again.

I'm sorry about that. So,
what do you wanna talk about?

-I already told you.
-I-- I don't remember.

You might
wanna check your notes.

-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-IRMA KOSTROSKI:
Without Jimmy Mayhew,

it is not the result we wanted.

You can just kiss goodbye
to the fertilizer run up bill.

-See you later, guys.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

EMPLOYEE: Bye.

What? Oh, my God. You?

I am so sorry
about the election.

-One vote. Your fault.
-LARRY: I've learned my lesson.

-Every vote counts
-Every vote counts.

It's really sunk in.
Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.

Uh, I-- I got these for you.

(SCOFFS)

You know, I've missed you.
I-- I was watching

the House of Representatives
on C-SPAN,

and it made me think of you.

Then I watched
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

with Jimmy Stewart,
in the filibuster

and I was thinking to myself,
"I bet Irma would be

-a great filibusteress."
-Thank you.

LARRY: Yeah.

But I'm still mad at you.
So mad, so disappointed.

Everybody is disappointed
at me at some point.

-But you know what?
-(SIGHS)

I'd love to be friends again.
Can I take you out to dinner

and make it up to you
with a big sumptuous,

-expensive meal?
-Okay.

-You can call me.
-(CLAPS) Yeah.

But not tonight.
I'm finishing a cleanse.

-I'm preparing for colonoscopy.
-Huh.

-(WHISPERS) One vote.
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF GREENE: You're gonna get
that law repealed, I know it.

Well, the recasting's buying us
some extra time, which is great,

-yeah. And when I called Jake...
-Yeah.

...his assistant, Carly,
answered the phone.

-She gave me a, "Ba-dump-bump."
-Yeah, Carly likes that.

-Carly likes that?
-I kinda think it's adorable.

Hmm.

-Something you wanna ask me?
-No, I-- I--

-'Cause I'll tell you
if you ask me.
-You don't have to tell me

-'cause I already know.
-JEFF: That's why I'm buying

this stupid, fresh cut lilac
bath and body wash

because Carly smells like that.
I'm with her,

if Susie smells it on me,
she'll get suspicious.

So, I'm gonna have it
in the house.

-and be using it all the time.
-Well, that's a brilliant move.

Yeah, you better get used
to me smelling like a lilac.

What's going on over here?
Shouldn't she be moving up?

-(GRUNTS)
-Isn't that how a line works?

-Yep.
-I don't like a big gap
in the line.

You wanna feel
like a line is moving.

Otherwise, physiologically,
it's bad. Right?

I'm languishing back here.
Maybe I'll say something.

-Don't.
-(MUMBLES)

Excuse me? Excuse me?
Uh, would-- could you--

would you mind moving up
in the line a bit?

No, I'm good. Maybe
just worry about yourself.

Well, I-- I mean,
you're on the line,

you have a responsibility
as a person on a line
to keep the line moving.

You're not holding up
your end of the bargain.

Would you tell somebody
that was a white man

-to just move up?
-Yeah, in a second.

-Sure, of course.
-Oh, so this is racial.
Is that what this is?

Sir, you know what?

I'm gonna actually need you
to get in the back of the line.

-Or-- or you can leave.
-What? Are you kidding?

-(CUSTOMERS CLAMORING)
-Oh, oh, please.

-Th-there-there's a big...
-CUSTOMER:
Get in the back of the line.

-(CUSTOMERS CONTINUE CLAMORING)
-Racial? Oh, please.

-Come on.
-CUSTOMER : Come on,
you're harassing her.

Just get back,
would you do that?

CUSTOMER : In .

-I'm so sorry about that.
-What did I do? I asked somebody

-to move up in line.
-(SCOFFS)

LARRY: I tap her on the shoulder

and you would've thought
I called her the "N" word.

She thought I was a r*cist,
everybody else thought
I was a r*cist.

Just because I asked her
to move up. It's crazy.

-Hmm. It is r*cist.
-What?

-LEON BLACK: Of course.
-Get out of here.

Only a Black person
would tell another Black person,

-and they'd move the f*ck up.
-Oh, that's ridiculous.

You out of your lane.

You swerved
out of your f*cking lane.

Stay in your lane.
That's f*cking r*cist.

No, it's the opposite of r*cist.
Treating someone differently

because of the color
of their skin, that's r*cist.

-What I did was anti-r*cist.
-No, no, no. That's not racism.

It's audacity.
You had the f*cking audacity.

You shouldn't have asked
that lady to move up

in your f*cking white condition.
Now, if I was with you,

I would say, "Hey, sister.
Would you move the f*ck up."

-And she would move up.
-So, you would ask her?

It's gotta be Black on Black.

If I'm standing there
and a white dude come up to me

and tap my shoulder,
"Hey, buddy. Hey, pal.

Could you move up a little bit?"
I'd say, "Man,

-get the f*ck out my face."
-Is that right?

-LEON: I'll move when
I'm f*cking ready.
-Oh.

Now, if said person
was a bald-ass white man--

You can't ask the bald guy
to move up, but I can.

I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't say sh*t to him.

But you go up there... (SCOFFS)

-Y'all got something in common.
-So, bald on bald.

-Bald on bald.
-Jew on Jew.

-Jew on Jew is cool too. See?
-LARRY: Yeah.

-(DOORBELL RINGING)
-Mm-hmm.

LARRY: Oh, that's the plumber.
I gotta talk to him.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

All right, got some bad news.
You're gonna have to replace

the whole filtration system,
top to bottom.

-What?
-Ouch.

Seriously?
I just did it three years ago.

Well, usually warranty's
between three and ten years.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
Where the f*ck

-is other seven years goin' at?
-I mean, I don't know

what happened,
I don't know who you hired.

It's a bad job
and if you don't fix it,

they'll be flooding
and even worse.

-sh*t.
-All right. So, um,

when do you think
you can do this by?

PLUMBER: Uh,
by the end of the week.
We'll figure something out.

All right, I'll call you
when the parts come in.

-LEON: Mmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)
-What are you doing?

Something just ain't right, man.
(SLURPS)

-Let me go talk
to this guy real quick.
-Okay, sure.

Hey, roto-rooter. Come on, man.
What's going down here?

What's really going down?

Come on, man. You got to do
somethin' better than this, man.

You can't come up here
and throw that sh*t on us, man.

-My man, get that right.
-All right

-You got me?
-PLUMBER: I got you. I got you.

-LEON: Done and done. You good.
-Wh-- what'd you say?

I told him
to stop f*cking around.

It's a -dollar valve.
I had to set his ass straight.

He was gonna f*ck you
with sandpaper, you understand?

Hold it. So, this whole job
is getting done for dollars,

is that what you trying
to tell me?

-Mm-hmm.
-(SCOFFS) Okay, first of all,

thank you. But it's kind
of sickening in a way

that I can get gouged like that.

They do that sh*t to you
'cause you don't know better.

People are being taken
advantage of all the time.

You have somebody
like me around,
who knows sh*t.

I will read through
that bullshit.

You know what you are? You're--
you're like a househusband.

Yeah. That's what the f*ck I am.
A person who's here

-to point out the bullshit.
-Oh, my God. I got a great idea.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Mm-hmm.

When them motherfuckin'
eyebrows go up,

that's some bullshit
coming down.

-(LARRY CHUCKLES)
-What is it? Give it to me.

A business called
"House Husband."

So people call you
whenever they're in a situation

where they could be
taken advantage of

by a mechanic, by a plumber,
by an electrician...

-Oh.
-...and you save that person

-tons of money.
-They need a m*therf*cker

who knows a little bit
about everything

-and a lot about nothing.
-They need a househusband.

-f*ck right.
-You know, it's a little sexist,

-the name, House Husband, but...
-Right.

...listen,
I would avail myself of it.

-LEON: f*ck, yeah.
-I'm a guy...

Love that idea.
I f*cking love it.

-(DOORBELL RINGING)
-Already f*cking done.

(LAUGHS)

-Hey.
-LARRY: Hey.

Got a second?
I'd love to talk to ya.

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

TED DANSON: Thank you.

-All right. What's going on?
-(SIGHS)

This is awkward, but...

Maria Sofia.
What's the deal with her?

-What do you mean?
-Are you f*cking her?

(CHUCKLES) No!

-No way--
-Are you f*cking her mother?

(LAUGHS) No, get out of here.
"f*cking her mother--"

Well, you're f*cking me, man.
I ca-- I can't work with her.

This is my career too.
If I share the screen

-with that-- that--
-Don't worry,
it's only temporary.

I promise you.

-(PHONE RINGING)
-The situation's being resolved.

-I'm taking steps--
-Hold on. Cheryl. Hey, Cheryl.

CHERYL DAVID:
How much did this repair cost?

I don't-- I don't know.
I'm not a mechanic.

If he says you need
a new transmission,

you probably do.
How much is it gonna cost?

CHERYL: Over , .

-Are you kidding me?
-CHERYL: No,
that's just for starters.

Well, that's crazy.
They see you coming a mile away,

and I don't know what to do,
I know--

I know less than you do
about cars.

-CHERYL: I know!
-All right. All right.

I'll be there in a second.
I gotta go.

The guy says she's gonna
have to replace--

It's just a little rattle--

-The whole transmission--
-Okay, hold on. Leon!

-Leon?
-What's cracking?

LARRY: The mechanic
is telling Cheryl

she needs a new transmission,
I think it's a job

-for house husband.
-"House husband?"

-LARRY: Yes.
-LEON: That's right.

He's got a new business called
House Husband. This is his job.

I don't want you to go
over there and get f*cked.
You understand?

Cheryl is beautiful,
you a handsome-ass devil.

He gon' take advantage
of your ass.

He just saved me s of dollars
with a plumber.

LEON: If I'm there,
there's no way

he'll take advantage
of your ass. That money goes

back in your f*cking pocket.

And some to me, of course.

-Hey, can you go right now?
-f*ck, yeah. I'm already there.

All right, let's do this sh*t.

Hey, we still need to talk.

(SIGHS)

After seeing that movie,
I'm never eating octopus again.

-(LAUGHS)
-(CHUCKLES)

-IRMA: Yeah.
-How are you enjoying the wine?

Oh, fabulous.

Have you decided
on any appetizers?

-Yeah, I'd like the bruschetta.
-The bruschetta, you got it.

-I would advise against that.
-Why?

You get little bits of tomato
on a piece of hard bread.

-They pile it up--
-IRMA: Yeah?

You take a bite it all falls,

they're very
structurally unsound.

Can you bring an extra lay
of bread for the bruschetta.

That would just be
a tomato sandwich.

He's kind a crazy. Sorry.
(CHUCKLES)

-Okay. And for you sir?
-A market salad.

WAITER:
A market salad, you got it.

Market salad. (CHUCKLES)
He hates us.

-I do not like him at all.
-He hates me. Did you see--
He hates.

-What did we do?
-Hi.

-Oh, my God. Hi.
-Hi, hi, hi!

-Oh.
-I'm sorry to interrupt.

-DEIDRE MILLER: Hi.
-This is my daughter.

-Hi.
-Deidre, this is Larry.

-It's so nice to meet you.
-What a-- what a pleasure.

-Deidre?
-Yes. Nice to meet you.

Deidre not "Deer-dra?"
Nice to meet you.

Um, I know Susie Greene,
by the way,

-who's great.
-Uh, great.

I don't know about great.
Maybe good. Great, uh...

you know, Gandhi was great,
Churchill, great.

-Yeah.
-LARRY: Gorbachev,
for my money, great.

But Susie Greene, I don't know
if anybody's ever described her

-as "Great."
-He's funny.

-Yeah. He's fun. (CHUCKLES)
-IRMA: He's funny.

He could be very funny.
So, how is the house?

Oh, God. He can't figure it out.

IRMA: What do you mean
he can't figure it out?

He-- he's an electrician
who doesn't know
how to fix electricity.

It's all terrible
and none of it is working,

-so he has to come back.
-IRMA: So,
what are they gonna do?

-I don't know. I don't know
-(BOTH MUMBLING)

-(HIGH PITCHED MUMBLE)
-How could you not know
how long it took,

she takes the afternoon
off work and nobody--

No, it was fine. It was fine.
I-- You know.

(LAUGHS) He's being very funny.

-I'm sure. I'm sure.
-IRMA: So, what am I gonna do?

You have to close
the garage door manually

-and then--
-Okay, yeah. So,
you close it manually. Okay.

-So nice to meet you.
-Oh, and I stole this back

'cause you have
been hoarding my DVD.

-Okay.
-Little Women?

-Yeah.
-(CHUCKLES) I cannot stand

those March sisters.
Boy, do they get on my nerves.

What about them gets
on your nerves?

The giggling all the time,
making jam,

getting under the blanket
and cozying up with Marmee.

I feel like
you're misreading it.

I find them a little mockish

-and twee.
-I don't find them twee,

I find them
to be women of substance.

Oh, they're all so talented
in their own right.

A writer, and a musician,
and an artist.

And one, of course,
has to be an actor.

Is there no creative realm
these sisters can't conquer?

What would you prefer
they had done?

One could've been a writer
and the, uh, the other three,

you know, housewives. (CHUCKLES)

-Uh, it's a joke. It's a joke.
-Um, great to meet you, Larry.

-Nice to meet you.
-Bye. I love you, Mom.

-IRMA: All right, my darling.
-Enjoy your evening.

-Yes.
-Um...

-DEIDRE: Okay, see you.
-I love you.

Oh, what a--
what a lovely daughter.

-Isn't she...
-LARRY: Yes.

-...beautiful, so bright.
-You're so fortunate.

-You're so fortunate.
-IRMA: Incredible.

I've never seen
anything like her.

Your bruschetta...

-and the market salad.
-Thank you.

Enjoy, I'll be back in a bit.

Oh.

-Oh. Oh, God. No.
-Yeah, see I told you.

Look at that.

-I'm sorry. I'll try this.
-(CHUCKLES)

-Oh, that makes it worse.
-(GRUNTS) Yeah, God.

-You want some? You okay? Hmm.
-LARRY: No. I'm good. Yeah.

Hey, so let me
ask you something.

-IRMA: Yeah.
-LARRY: You're on the council.

You're a council women.
What do you think

about this five-foot fence law?
You know, you have to have

the fence around the pool.
What kind of law is that?

I don't know
if you voted for or not.

That was passed
before I was on the council.

It's a crazy law. Huh?

It's a safety thing you-- you--
you know,

you gotta put a fence
around your pool.

-Why? That doesn't make any--
-Because you do.

Because you know,
that's the law.

You gotta have a fence
around your pool.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

♪ (AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-IRMA: Now, I'm scooping
and picking.
-So, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

...maybe um, after dinner...

maybe we go back...

to my house?

I haven't had sex
with anyone in years.

Just a little heads up,
you know?

And now
I'm gonna have garlic breath.

I've laid fallow,

it's like whistling
into the Sahara up there.

I think I'll get another glass
of wine. (CLEARS THROAT)

IRMA: And so, to bed.

Come to bed.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(MOANING)

It's better than I expected.

But I have low expectations.

(CHUCKLES) It's funny.
You know, I can't stop thinking

about the pool and that fence.

Why you so obsessive about this?

'Cause I don't wanna run
to a pool

and then unlatch a gate
and jump in. I--

I just wanna run and jump in.

They don't have a fence
around the dock.

You don't have a fence
around a-- a beach.

-Yeah.
-But you have a fence
around a pool.

-It's crazy, makes no sense--
-Can I borrow your toothbrush?

-(HESITATES)
-(IRMA GRUNTING)

Not so sure about that.
Don't think that's a great idea.

(EXHALES, SNIFFS) It's fine.

Mm-hmm. I have my retainer.

-I'm a grinder (CHUCKLES).
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(MOANS)

(SMOOCHES) Ooh, come here.

(MOANS, SMOOCHES)

(IRMA GRUNTS)

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

(MOUTHS) What have I done?

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(IRMA CRUNCHING)

Would you mind...

pulling down the sleeves
on that sweater?

-What, this?
-Yeah, you're stretching it out.

It's like a stretchy--
It's-- It's orlon.

-No, it's cashmere.
-It's cashmilon.

-Not cashmilon. It's not a mix.
-I'm shvitzing, so it's a mix.

-You're what?
-If it was pure,
I wouldn't shvitz.

You-- you said you're sweating?

Hey, hey, hey. I don't
wanna fight with you, lover.

-Oh. Hey.
-LARRY: Ah, well. Hey!

-Good morning. Leon...
-Good morning.

...this is Irma Kostroski.

-Hey, Irma.
-Oh.

From the, uh,
Santa Monica City Council.

-Oh, okay.
-Did you vote

-in the election last week?
-No, f*ck all that.

Once you start voting,
there's taxes,

and-- and-- and jury duty,

and old-ass warrants
that pop up out of nowhere.

-f*ck all that.
-Language. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.
He comes in, you know,

effing and jeffing
in this morning.

I really wish you'd watch
your language around her.

-Oh.
-It's not necessary.

I told him that many times.

Oh, my God. I'm eating all this.
I'm nervous,

You know, it's been like--
It was a big night for me

and now I have gas.
It just sits there.

-LEON: Oh, wow.
-Ooh, I got, like,

a bubble here.
You got any Gas-X?

Leon, is there anything you have
that might disperse the bubble?

-IRMA: Yeah--
-Know what gets that out?
The Heimlich.

-Heimlich.
-IRMA: The Heimlich?

-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Oh, it's my daughter.
Excuse me.

What the f*ck, man?
You're in a bad spot, Larry.

Gotta tap that ass
under duress? That's the worst.

Have you ever tapped someone
under duress?

Course I have. My uncle
passed away unexpectedly.

So, I had to tap this cougar
at this mortuary.

Got a half off that coffin.

I hope this turns out
as successful

-as your dead uncle's coffin.
-I hope so.

-That was Deidre.
-Oh.

-You made a horrible impression.
-I did?

With that stuff you said
about Little Women.

Why knock a classic?

You know, I don't like
the March sisters.

-They're obnoxious.
-You like Little Women?

-f*cking, love 'em.
-IRMA: Yeah.

They call 'em midgets
or dwarves.

-What?
-I stack two on top
of each other,

make 'em one whole women.
Tap that ass.

No, we're talking
about something different.

Listen, let's face it, Larry.
You're old and you're bald.

I can get past that,
but I don't think

I can schtup somebody
my daughter doesn't like.

So, we're through.

-What? (MUMBLES)
-IRMA: You know, you have--

Let me apologize.
I'll apologize.

You'll call Deidre?

You know what? Forget call.
I'll go to her house.

-You wanna go to her house?
Okay, okay.
-I'll go. Yeah.

Listen to me, Deidre
and my son-in-law, Scott,

are having
a ten-year anniversary party

to renew their wedding vows.

Maybe I'll invite you to this
and you can

get along with her a little.

-You wanna try that?
-I-- I-- I would love to go

to Deidre and Scott's
tenth anniversary party.

-That would be fantastic.
-Okay, I gotta go. I gotta get

to a council meeting where...
(GRUNTS)

It's all about drains today.

-Yeah.
-Drains, ramps, composts.

-They're talking about composts.
-Uh, keep-- keep the sweater.

-Keep it.
-You wanna kiss me before I go?

-What?
-Give me a little kiss.

-(MUMBLES)
-One little kiss. Come on.

-Come on.
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I want Deidre
to like you so much.

It's just gonna work out.

-(GRUNTS)
-IRMA: That was nice.

Put Gas-X on your shopping list.
I gotta go. Have a great day!

(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

That unpleasant bitch
got you twisted

the f*ck up right now.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Thank you.

-She's in the sewing room.
-Okay.

What's that delightful scent?
It smells like lilac.

Oh, that-- that's my new
body wash, I love it.

I felt like I needed
a new smell.

-Really?
-You like that smell, Larry?

-It's disgusting.
-Love it. You don't like Lilac?

SUSIE GREENE: I'm surprised
at you. I really am.

-I'm surprised at you.
-You're full of surprises.

What are you? You're
f*cking Irma Kostroski now?

Well, that's a rather crude way
of putting it.

Do I make love to her?
Yes, I do.

She is so not your type.
You're not political in any way,

you're not one to go canvassing.

What the f*ck is going on,
Larry? Something's off.

Tell her the truth.

'Cause that's what we deal
with here. The truth.

-All right, you wanna know?
-Yeah.

Okay, we have
this terrible actress

-in our show.
-Maria Sofia.

-Yeah?
-And her father is the brother

of the guy who drowned
in my pool. And he found out

about the five-foot fence law.

-He's extorting you?
-Yeah.

-That's why she's cast.
-Yep. I'm trying to get Irma

-to repeal the law.
-Is she gonna do it?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know. I'm--
I'm working on it.

If Maria Sofia's in the show--

-It's over.
-Yeah. So, get on board

-and get in line.
-It's the only line
that you're in

-that I'm ever gonna get in.
-"Ba-dump-bump."

-The f*ck was that?
-What?

Where you get
that expression from?

-That gem of a retort.
-You've heard, "Ba-dump-bump."

I've heard him say,
"Ba-dump-bump."

You got that from somebody else.

-It's an old classic...
-No, but you never say that.

You don't have original ideas
that you come up with--

He's been "Ba-dump-bump-ing"
for years.

-Well, I don't like it.
-(KETTLE WHISTLING)

-You want tea?
-Uh, no, thank you.

-Are you crazy?
-What?

LEON: I can't believe how House
Husband is catching on.

-Really?
-Yeah, man.

-That's fantastic.
-Yeah, thanks for hooking me up,

with uh, Jeff and Susie man.
They got that plumber

-coming over there.
-Oh, sh*t.

I gotta call Irma's daughter,

Deidre, and find out
what time this party starts.

-Okay.
-(PHONE RINGING)

Deidre Kostroski Miller's
office.

LARRY: Oh, hi.
It's Larry David calling

for Deidre. And listen, just
so you know beforehand,

so there's no misunderstanding,

I would appreciate it
if you didn't stay on the call.

-Excuse me?
-If it's not a matter

of national security,
there's no reason for it.

Well, if it's not a matter
of national security,

-why can't I listen?
-Because it's really
none of your business.

-Are you listening to this?
-Yeah.

LARRY: Would you like it
if I listened in to you

and you friends
when you're talking?

Well, that's really pervy.

Oh, that's pervy?
Oh, but it's not pervy for you

to listen in on my call?
So, I don't see the difference.

Sir, listening in
on Deidre's phone calls

is part of my job description.
You listening in

-on my phone calls is pervy.
-No, no. It's not pervy at all.

You'd be talking
to your friends, talking

about where you're gonna go,
what you're gonna eat,

w-- what you gonna wear.

And I'd be listening in,
taking notes, same thing.

-Ew.
-Yeah. "Ew." Exactly. That's--

that's exactly
what you're doing to me.

Look, I-- I just wanna know
what time the party starts

that's all I really need
to know.

Oh, the party?
Why didn't you say so?
The party starts at : .

Well, there you go. Six o'clock.
Fantastic. We could've

-saved ourselves so much time...
-Okay, thank you so much.

-Have a wonderful day, bye-bye.
-LARRY: and wouldn't have to
have this...

That's all I needed to--

-She hung up on me.
-(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

What's that? See who that is.

LEON: Oh, it's Cheryl.
"I need the house husband."

WORKER: I mean,
this tree is really top-heavy

and you've got
some insect damage too

and that's why
there's those dead branches.

We're gonna need
about five guys.

-It's gonna be full day.
-Five guys? That's expensive.

You don't need five guys,
you just need three.

Me, myself and I.
And as far as insects,

all you need is a little bit
of insecticide.

-Let's do that.
-LEON: Let's do that.

-Thank you, house husband.
-You know I got you.

My recommendation would be
to go inside the wall,

you're gonna want
to secure the studs.

That's sounds like a lot more
than we were planning.

First of all,
you're doing too much.

-Yeah.
-All you need

is these right here. See that?
We call them anchors.

Man, woman. See this? See that?

What I need you to do
is make love

to that g*dd*mn shelf,
and hang it up.

Whatever you want.

-PLUMBER: You're gonna need
a new showerhead.
-SUSIE: Mm-hmm.

And I'm probably
gonna have to replace
a lot of the pipes up here

-in the upstairs bedroom.
-LEON: Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, playboy.

I'm the house husband
around here. Okay?

Just replace the shower head,
that's it.

There could be further problems
you know, in the future--

Okay, we in the present.
Fix the f*ckin' showerhead.

-All right.
-Thank you.

Guess what? I got a little
something for you. Here you go.

-Oh. What's this?
-There it is.

Got, uh, a little something.

(GRUNTS)
I thought it was lingerie.

-I got a little disappointed.
-Oh, it's a body wash.

-Fresh cut lilacs. Huh.
-LARRY: Yeah.

I don't know (SNIFFS).

With me, with my eczema,
with my psoriasis,

I use anything.
Oh, it's pretty natural. Okay.

Well, you know, I figured
'cause you don't use deodorant

-that you might like body wash .
-I don't like anything unnatural

near my lymph.

-You'll smell like a flower.
-What is this? A hint?

-No, uh-uh. No.
-Okay. I know I give off this,

like, a sex musk
because I am active again.

I-- I think you'll enjoy
the lilac and you know?

-Frankly, it couldn't hurt.
-Well, I'm just gonna rub it

all over then. (GRUNTS)

-Hey, come on.
-Yeah.

Wanna come sit on the couch?
Come and sit beside me.

I'd love to except
I bruised my testicle

getting off the peloton.
(MUMBLES)

-You what?
-LARRY: Yeah, you know.

(SCOFFS) You're in pain?

Yeah, so uh, I'm a little out
of commission

-for-- for a while.
-Is it anything to do

-with my exertions?
-Oh, no, no. That was a delight.

Phew. A bit shvitzy.
I'm gonna go take a shower...

-LARRY: Mm. Yeah.
-...in my lilac.

-Smell my lilac.
It's gonna be all over me.
-Mm. Lovely. Yes.

-Yes.
-It's gonna be all over me.

You wanna come and join me?

I don't feel
like getting wet just now.

You can watch.

You know what? I got a,
uh, beach volleyball game.

IRMA: I'm gonna rub it all over.
Come on, watch me.

-I'm waiting for you!
-Yeah, there's a hockey game

-I taped last night--
-Come on and watch me.

Come on and watch!

♪ (AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

DEIDRE: Speaking of watching
the beginning, maybe like, yeah,

like ten after, hopefully.
Um, and--

Sorry. Excuse me, one second.
Hi, Larry.

-Oh, hey!
-How's it going?

-Swell!
-You're here early? (CHUCKLES)

-Early?
-Yeah, yeah. The party
doesn't start

until : .

- : ?
-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Your assistant, she--
told me it was at : .

-Britney?
-She told me six o'clock.

I don't-- I think you must've
taken that down wrong.

No, I'm quite sure
she said : .

Um... (HESITATES)

Thank you for the--
the flowers--

-LARRY: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
-I just feel like um...

-Thank you. Um--
-Oh! Y-- you're welcome.

But-- So,
we're just still getting
prepped here, we're not--

By the way,
I really wanna apologize

for my comments about the,
uh, the March sisters.

-I've given 'em a second look...
-(CLEARS THROAT)

...and they're not as mockish

and twee as I--
as I thought they were.

Thank you. That means a lot
that you would apologize.

Yeah, I've seen all five
of the movies again.

And they're so talented.
Really, who's your favorite Jo?

Katharine Hepburn, June Allyson,
Winona Ryder, Susan Dey,

uh, Chivon... (HESITATES)
What's her-- The, you know,

-the Irish girl--
-Saoirse, Saoirse Ronan.

-LARRY: Saoirse Ronan. Yeah.
-Yeah.

My money, June Allyson.

-Really?
-With the bangs, cute. Cute.

Cute? That's your criterion
for what makes a great Jo?

No, I'm just uh, I'm just a man
partial to a bang.

-Okay, so the March sisters--
-And, by the way,
who doesn't love a good bang?

Honey?

Hi. Scott this is Larry David,
my mom's friend.

-Larry.
-Larry, this is my husband,
Scott.

Scotty-- Scotty boy.

-Scott's good. Um, what's up?
-Larry, uh, mistook the time...

-Um...
-I was told : .

Where is... Irma?

-She got tied up. You said--
-In City Council.

-She-- Right.
-Yeah.

Well, the party's actually
at : , so--

Britney wanted to listen in
on the conversation,

I got upset, so she gave me
the wrong time.

I don't think
that's what happened.

-No, no, that's--
that's what happened.
-Party's not for an hour so,

could you-- could you...
I don't know, uh,

k*ll time for an hour and--
and-- and come back?

The thing is,
by the time I got home,

it's gonna be time to come back.
It doesn't even make any sense.

You don't need to go home,
you could just...

-not stay here.
-DEIDRE: There's coffee shops.

-SCOTT MILLER: Sure.
-Do you have any errands
you need to run?

No, no I don't. No, I don't.

The problem is we can't host,

really, 'cause we have
to get dressed and--

You don't need to host!
I'll just sit here and guest.

I can be a guest without a host.

-Can you?
-I-- I think I can.

-Okay.
-Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. I will disappear.

You will not know I'm here.
Do you have the NHL package?

I don't know what that is.

-No.
-DEIDRE: Okay.

Yeah, we're gonna go
take showers.

-Go take a shower.
-Yeah.

-LARRY: I'm not even here.
-DEIDRE: Okay.
Make yourself at home.

You gonna shower, too?

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(SNIFFS)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Hi.
-LARRY: Hey.

-Videographer.
-LARRY: Oh, great. Come on in.

-Glad you can make it.
-Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

-So, they're upstairs.
Okay.

-Seven o'clock, party starts.
-Yes.

-Um, this is interesting.
-What?

-You're tucking in the sweater?
-Yes.

How long you been doing that?

-My whole life.
-Do people comment on it?

There's almost
never conversation about it.

Did you notice
any other tuckers in your life?

I honestly have never really
thought about it that much.

Who started you with that?
Your mother?

-I just started doing it.
-You started that on your own?

-Yes. Yes.
I started on my own...
-Really?

-...when I was a kid. Yes.
-Fascinating.

-It's not. It's really not.
-LARRY: I-- No, it is.

I think it's fascinating.

-Your father didn't tuck?
-VIDEOGRAPHER: No.

-There were no tuckers
in the family?
-No, look I--

There's a lot of stuff to do.

I mean, the only person
I've ever seen tuck

is James Mason in Lolita.

"Lolita, do you think
I should tuck in my sweater?

Does it look good?
What would you do?

What would you advise me?
Would you advise me to tuck?"

I'm sorry,
but what is your role here?

-I'm a guest.
-Okay, you're very early.

-I know, what happened was--
-No, I-- Look,

I don't really care, I'm gonna
set up in the living room.

-Yeah, set up.
-Okay, yeah. Great.
Thank you so much.

Look, it's in the back too.
You're really very thorough.

-Why do you care?
-I don't.

Okay. Thank you.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Babe, you made sure
that the sprinklers

aren't gonna go off, right,
when the guests are here?

SCOTT: I did it already.
Aren't you proud of me?
(CHUCKLES)

DEIDRE: Look at him
What is he doing?

-♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
-SCOTT: What-- I don't know.

DEIDRE:
That's my favorite candle.
Please, put that down.

Why would you pick that up?

-SCOTT: Ew.
-DEIDRE: Oh, my God.

SCOTT: I don't know
why he's not just sitting

in one place
and looking at his phone...

-Right.
-...like a normal person.

-(GRUNTS)
-What is he doing?

DEIDRE: This is so bizarre.

SCOTT: Hopefully,
he'll just wear himself out.

DIERDRE: He's so weird.

-Do we need to go down there?
-I don't wanna go down there.

Ew. What is wrong with him?

I don't think
I've ever seen anyone take,

"Make yourself at home"
so literally.

-Don't touch that.
Don't touch that.
-He's futzing with it.

I would never go
into somebody's house

and touch
their air conditioning.

DEIDRE: I didn't know
that we had to say, like,

"Please make yourself at home

but don't mess
with our thermostat."

Oh, my God.
He's taking his pants off.

SCOTT: He is.

-DEIDRE: What is he doing? No.
-SCOTT: Don't do that.

DEIDRE: Why is he tucking
his sweater into his pants?

-SCOTT: I don't know.
-DEIDRE: Who does that?

I have to keep
on getting ready, so.

Okay. What a strange individual.

SAMUEL: Just wondering
where I should plug in...

-I-- I was just testing.
-How do you like it?

-I don't care for it.
-Okay.

I'm gonna go back
over there now.

Okay.

-SUSIE: So, no dinner?
-JEFF: Tell me about it.

If it's seven o'clock,
you expect dinner?

-Absolutely.
-I'm-- I'm starving.

-See the fence?
-I did.

Let me ask you a question.
If I start walking
into the pool,

you think
that fence is gonna stop me?

-Everybody. If we could...
-Hi.

-...get your attention
for a minute.
-Oh, boy.

-Here we go.
-Thank you all so much
for being here

and for joining us.

SCOTT: We wanted to do

what it is
that we gathered you all

here to do, and that is to,
uh, renew our vows.

-CROWD: Aw!
-Let's get out
the anti-nausea pills.

(CHUCKLES)

-I'll start... crying. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, God.

Scott... I promise
to always remember

-that you are human.
-She's gonna remember
he's human.

-DEIDRE:
You care about people...
-How do you forget that?

How do you do this in front
of people? It's so unseemly...

You've got such big soul.

-And I love that about you.
-I would rather masturbate

in-- in public than have
to say that stuff.

Today, I promise to show
that same care

and consideration for you
for the rest of my life.

LARRY: Oh, this is just so...

-I can't take it anymore.
-(DEIDRE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(MOANS)

-I agree with her.
-DEIDRE: Right now,

-it's the easiest thing
in the world to do...
-What's the matter?

...because I honestly love you
so much

-and want nothing
but your happiness.
-What?

-DEIDRE: I will always show...
-The videographer.

DEIDRE: ...the same care
and consideration for you.

I'm screwed. She's gonna see
that tape, she'll tell Irma.

SCOTT: Before I get to my vows
and start to cry...

-Oh, my God.
-(DEIDRE CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God. This is bad.

-SCOTT: ...I thought maybe I'd
tell the story of how we met.
-I think some of you know.

Obviously, we're both lawyers,
everybody knows that.

DIERDRE:
We met at a conference...

-(WHISPERS) Hey...
can I talk to you for a second?

-I'm sorry to interrupt.
-I'm working.

I know-- I know you're working.
Craziest thing happened,

so crazy.

A mosquito got caught
in my throat

and I put my finger down there,
and if they see the video...

-Yeah.
-...it might be,

you know, misconstrued.

Yeah, 'cause
that's not how it looked.

So, I'm wondering,
maybe if it's possible,

-you could erase it?
-I can't do that. No, I'm sorry.

-LARRY: Well, uh--
-It's my job.

Is it because of the tucking in
the sweater?

No, you're obsessed with that.
I don't care about that.

If I did offend you,
I apologize.

-I can't. I just can't.
-You sure?

-Totally sure. Okay.
-Yeah. Yo-- you know what?

(SCOTT TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Huh? Your name's...
Samuel Tannenbaum?

-Yes.
-Samuel, my Hebrew brother.

Could you be a mensch
and maybe reconsider

this position for a...

-(INDISTINCT SPEECH CONTINUES)
-...fellow tribesman.

-Okay. Yeah.
-You'll erase it?

-Yeah, I'll erase it.
-Thank you so much.

-We got off
on the wrong foot.
-LARRY: Yeah, we did.

If this isn't the worst
p-- party in your life?

-This is hell. And the vows.
-It's-- it's a living hell.

-No, it's literally, it's--
-Could you do me a favor?

Get me again. Do another take

-and I'll have
a different reaction.
-Okay, yeah.

-SAMUEL: L'chaim.
-L'chaim.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I didn't think this was gonna be
hard but it, it is. Um...

-GUEST: You got it, man!
-SCOTT: Webster's dictionary

defines paradise...

as "an idyllic,
or ideal place or state."

I define it as,
"Netflix and chilling with you."

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-(EXAGERRATED LAUGH)

-SCOTT: Deidre, I promise...
-(MOUTHS) Very nice.

-...to make you smile...
-Oh, my God.
this is so beautiful.

...as much as you make me.
-I'm sorry.

Even if that means I have
to watch a little less football.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

-I promise to listen.
-He promises to listen.

And I promise
to solve the problem if I can.

-(SOBS, SNIFFLES)
-SCOTT: But not
offer solutions...

-You okay?
-Yeah.

...that you didn't ask for,
because I've learned my lesson
about that.

They're such a beautiful couple.

-And I promise you are my light.
-I love you, Scooter.

-I love you, Dinkles.
-LARRY: Aw.

(CROWD APPLAUDING,
INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SCOTT: Have a good time.
There's loads of appetizers,

-so help yourselves.
Thanks, everybody.
-DEIDRE: Yeah. Thank you.

(MOCK SNORES)

Hello, hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi.
(GROANS) There's no valet.

-JEFF: Oh, hi.
-Hi, how are you?

-I'm fine. How--
Nice to see you, too.
-So good to see you.

-IRMA: I changed in my car.
-Oh, you did?

-Yes--
-You look so beautiful.

-Thank you.
-You don't wear that

-to your board meeting?
-IRMA: No, no, no.

Remember the four city workers
that got crushed?

-Yeah.
-Well, we were doing a memorial.

I kept pushing, I kept saying

-"You gotta get 'em
all up there."
-Oh.

You know, families were there.
There was a lot of emotions.

-It's so much...
-It's really good.

-Oh, that's so--
-...we have the crosswalks
for the blind today.

-Hi, hi, hi.
-LARRY: Oh, good. Hi.

-What did I miss?
-Well, so nice seeing you.

I left my phone
in the bathroom.

-Yes.
-I apologize...

-Okay. Yeah.
-...and I'll talk to you later.

I wanna see them.
Where are they?
Was it wonderful?

-Oh, Deidre--
-You've been nice to Deidre?

-Oh, wonderful. Oh, yes.
-Yes, they're wonderful.

-And Scott?
-LARRY: Oh, Scotty--

-He's wonderful. And so funny.
-LARRY: Oh, he's wonderful.

-I love Scotty. Yeah.
-My darling, I'm here...

-DEIDRE: Hi!
-...I'm so sorry.

-Oh, look at you.
-You!

Irma Kostroski!
Keep your f*cking hands

off of my husband,
you homewrecker! You whore!

-You slut!
-Susie--

Your mother
is f*cking my husband.

-What are you talking--
-SUSIE: You think
you're a councilwoman,

you could get away
with anything?

What have I done?

-I smell the lilacs, baby.
-IRMA: What are you--

-SUSIE: I smell the lilacs...
-IRMA: What is she talking--

-...and I knew it was you.
-IRMA:
What is she talking about?

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Ladies.

Ladies.
Hey, hey, hey, Ladies. Ladies.

What an ending to the evening.
It was so weird. Susie lost it.

-But--
-(GROANS)

I know but we got this.

-I promise to listen...
-DEIDRE: I loved your vows.

-SCOTT: I loved your vows.
-SCOTT: (ON TV) I promise to...

-Oh, my God. Look at him.
-SCOTT: (ON TV)
If it's important to you,

-it's important to me.
-DEIDRE: Is he crying?

-SCOTT: (ON TV) I promise...
-SCOTT: He's like, legit moved.

I have to text my mom.
I have to tell her

that I think he's great.
I'm so happy

that my mom found him.

LARRY: So, then I found out

his name was Tannenbaum.
I played the Jew card,

I couldn't believe it.

-It worked like a charm.
-(LEON LAUGHS)

You gotta play
those f*cking cards.
I'm telling you, man.

Imagine if he was bald,
what I could've done?

I got a whole f*cking deck
of cards.

I-- I got the Black card,
I got the handsome card,

the tall card,
the Big Johnson card--

Oh, hold on. Hold it.
Hold it. Handsome card?

-f*ck, yeah.
-You don't have a handsome card.

-I got one.
-Who told you

you had a handsome card?
Your mother?

-Everybody.
-Auntie Ray?

The f*cking doctor
who delivered my ass.
Everybody said that sh*t.

(SINK RUMBLING)

What's with this? (YELPS)

I thought you told the plumber
how to fix this.

-I thought I did.
-Holy sh*t.

You don't know what the f*ck
you're doing, do you?

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(CAR BEEPING)
-What?

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(GRUNTS)

sh*t, sh*t-- (GASPS)

Leon!

-(ELECTRICITY FLICKERS)
-(SCREAMS, GRUNTS, GROANS)

So, how long do you think
this is gonna be?

Well, I don't know what Leon
told these guys to do

but the whole grid has blown.
It could be weeks,

it could be a long time.
Now, this I need pressed

-for tomorrow for work.
-Hmm, yeah.

-Uh, you have a steamer?
-No.

-IRMA: You don't have a steamer?
-Mm-mm.

-You can iron everything, right?
-Oh, yeah, sure.

Everything in this case needs
to be taken out, ironed and--

-Yeah. Ironed it all, yeah.
-Great. Great. Now,

-when everything is ironed...
-Yeah.

-...go to the store for me.
-Oh, go to the store?

-Oh, of course.
-Yeah. And I need regular flavor

Metamucil. Not the cherry,
not the orange.

-Mm-hmm.
-And I need arnica...

-Uh-huh.
-...and I need pickles.

You gotta have pickles.

Pickles? (SNIFFS)

Ah! The brine.
That's what it is.

-She stinks from pickles.
-Oh, my God! Look at this!

Ugh. f*cking Leon. Everything...

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Maybe these are okay.
Jesus, what is this?

Hiding a second f*cking phone,
you assh*le.

Are you kidding me?
Really, Jeff? Really?

You stupid moron,
you are f*cking caught, assh*le.

Gotcha.

-(PHONE BEEPS)
-CARLY: I've got Susie Greene
for you.

Yeah, I'll take her.

-Hey, Susie.
-Hi, how's everything going

-over there?
-Good, good. All good.

Uh-huh. Is your assistant on?

-JAKE: Yeah.
-Yeah.

-SUSIE: Taking notes as usual?
-Always.

-CARLY: I am.
-SUSIE: Great.

Take this down.
She's f*cking my husband.

-"Ba-dump-bump."
-(PHONE BEEPS)

-(SIGHS)
-Call you back.

♪ ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪