02x01 - New Beginnings

[bunniefuu]

This is Ozzie Graham reporting on

a support group for people

who believe they've been
abducted by aliens.

The Reptilians are the ones you
have to watch out for, Ozzie.

Mine looked like Ryan Gosling.

But albino and feet tall.

GERRY: Beacon has the highest number

of alien encounters.

[Screams] [Tires screech]

JONATHAN: Guys, you were supposed
to pick him up, wipe his mind...

JEFF: Are you sure he's out?

I know my frickin' job, Jeff.

...and then implant a memory
to mask the entire experience.

Okay, he's looking right at me.

sh*t, hang on.

- "I know my freaking job, Jeff."
- Oh, eat a d*ck.

Something happened to me,

and I need to find out what it is.

I'm going down there. I'm
gonna take care of this guy.

Time to clean up this mess.

I want revenge!

I've been trying to
make contact for years.

But they still don't want me.

Are you sure that we haven't met before?

JEFF: When you're done
pretending to be a human,

I need you to be an alien
up on this freakin' ship

and do some freakin' work.

How do you make it as a human
without a lot of money?

Pretty much Top Ramen.

I really, really like you,

I kind of have a crush on you.

Lots of married people develop
feelings for priests, right?

Uh-oh.

WOMAN: It's Ozzie. He's
connecting the dots.

ASSESSOR: He's closing in on a
network of undercover Reptilians.

I need you all to leave.

GERRY: He's kicking us out.

So our next meeting is TBD.

I'm in love with the subject.

And I've always wanted to go to Europe.
Iceland.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Welcome to Fly Iceland.

OZZIE: I've been to Beacon before.

I was abducted as a child!

Holy sh*t.

It's finally happening!

I knew I was special!

The MainStation will be here shortly.

Welcome, commanders!

Who the [bleep] are you?

[Alarm blaring]

Welcome, Commanders.

Everything is going according to...

♪♪

Hey. What's up?

Ugh.

Your name is Jeff, and
you're a Grey. Huh.

I thought the Greys were extinct.

- What?
- Never mind.

I'm your new supervisor, Eric.

Don't think of me as a boss.

I'm hoping that we'll be friends.

Work can be fun.

Especially when we work... together.

Wait, what happened to the MainStation?

Oh. No one told you about the merger?

What merger?

Alpha Federation has joined forces

with Trinity Federation to create

an exciting new synergy for the mission.

We're moving in a new direction.

Uh... that's the first
I've heard of this.

Yes, I agree. It is all very exciting.

Where is the rest of your team?

I would like to meet them.

Because teamwork makes dream work.

[Chuckles] Oh, they're not here.

Uh, no, they, um...

They're working hard, uh...

out in the field.

[Shudders]

[Chuckles] Lie.

Sorry, we'll get along much better

if you start with the truth.

Kurt's dead.

Don and Walsh went AWOL.

Hmm.

How was your flight?

♪♪

[g*nf*re]

[Snickering]

[Clears throat]

Uh, hey, Foster?

Foster, I keep missing.

Can you help me out with my
form, give me some tips?

Oh. Uh, sure.

Are you breathing right?

You know, a lot of it actually
has to do with the way that...

Oh, okay. Because no
matter how much I try,

I'm just no good at sh**ting feet.

[Snorts] Okay. That's very funny.

It's just a real solid... solid burn.

You want to show us how it's done?

I do.

Range is hot!

[g*nf*re]

[g*n clicks]

How's that?

That's... pretty good.

Okay, so maybe I'm not a model agent.

And, yeah, I sh*t myself in the foot.

Not on purpose.

I'm sure I'm not the first
person in the bureau to do that.

You're the first I've seen.

I graduated at the top of my class.

I won the marksmanship award.

I'm dedicated... and worthy...
and just a wonderful woman.

I'm trying to tell you I
was born for this job.

So you can ridicule me, demote me,

make me file meaningless reports
until I am blind in both eyes.

But you will never break my spirit.

I deserve... No. You know what?

I demand an assignment.

Are you finished?

Mm-hmm. Because we have
an assignment for you.

That is, if you're interested.

I would love that, yes.

Well, it's not the sexiest
case ever, but...

I will take it. I'll make it sexy.

As in... As in I will solve it
because I'm excited to solve it.

Just to be clear, there will be
no sexual activity on this case.

Unless there needs to be.

Have you heard of Jonathan Walsh?

He's the millionaire C.E.O.
of Glint Enterprises.

We believe that he got those millions

by defrauding people
and laundering money.

I will know everything that's
worth knowing about him by noon.

No, Agent. Just take a couple of days.

By noon, sir.

You will not regret this.

[Sighing] All right.

GLIMMER: This is Officer Glimmer

of the Beacon Police Department
interviewing Richard Schultz.

Now, let me get this straight.

You, uh, discovered that
your girlfriend, Nancy,

was having an affair
with Jonathan Walsh?

Yes. But, uh, she didn't like him.

She was trying to get
out of the relationship

so that she could be with me.

Very interesting.

[Sighs] A lover knows these things.

And then you, uh, saw Nancy... explode?

Yes. Because, as it turns
out, Nancy was a robot.

Wait, what?

Yes. Because, as it turns
out, Nancy was a robot.

Oh, no.

- And Jonathan Walsh is an alien.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, you poor man.

Have had any alcohol
in the last hours?

- No.
- Any dr*gs?

Well, I take a Mexican
cortisone for some eczema.

Where are you hiding, pretty boy?

I have a heavily medicated shampoo.

Hey, Jonathan. It's Ozzie... Graham.

I had some questions for you.

Can you give me a call back?

Thanks. Hey, Jonathan.

It's Ozzie.

Uh, hope you're good.

I'm good.

You know, maybe call me back and...

let's just compare how good we both are.

Hey, Jonathan. Sure you're busy.

Just got a quick question for you.

Did you ever kidnap a
spaceship full of children?

Call me back and let me know.

[Beeps]

Hey, Jonathan... Hey, Jonathan...

Hey, Jonathan...

Hey, Jonathan. It's Ozzie again...

Jonathan? Ozzie again.

Uh, do me a favor. Don't call
me back if you're an alien.

All right? Cool.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Another missed call from Ozzie.

Why don't you call him back?

There's certain things you
don't do over the phone.

Break up with someone,

tell them they were abducted,

reveal the Reptilian agenda.

So, how are you going to do it

now that Reptilians hacked the failsafe?

[Sighs] I'm just gonna tell
Ozzie everything I know...

The truth.

And then together, we'll
go public with it.

Go public? With what?

That you're an alien and
that you abducted him

and many others throughout their lives

and that the Reptilians have infiltrated

every corner of the globe

and that you live among their kind

and that you're a traitor and that...

Jesus, Nancy. Take it easy.

I don't know, okay?

I haven't figured it all out.

But I promised Ozzie I'd protect him.

For now, we're safe with Glimmer.

And no matter what I say,

it won't help if I'm looking like this.

- GLIMMER: Hey.
- Hey.

I got some Italian.

Ooh, osso buco? Real Parmesana?

No. Mozzarella sticks
and jalapeño poppers.

- Oh.
- There you go.

And is this a popper?

No, no, no, that's a mozzarella stick.

It's cheese covered in
breadcrumbs and then deep fried.

Wait, isn't that what we had yesterday?

No, that was a Chimichanga.

That's, uh...

beans and meat and cheese
wrapped in dough...

and then deep fried.

And the day before that?

Oh, that was a corn dog.

That was a hot dog dipped in batter...

- And then...
- BOTH: Deep fried.

Right, got it. Everything's deep fried.

Yeah, you got it.

- God help me.
- [Chuckles] Right?

- Mm.
- Heaven on Earth.

♪♪

Gina.

Have you had a chance
to talk to your mom

about the missing time at
the softball tournament?

Uh, candles! Oh, yes.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, indeed.

The candles are... are right
this way, my good sir!

Why are you talking
like a Victorian maid?

Because my manager's been up my ass

ever since I got busted
by the secret shopper.

Here. Hold this, look interested

and like you're having a good time.

[Laughs] Yes, it does smell
like a Massachusetts rainstorm.

[Chuckles]

[Whispers] Have you been
able to get a hold of Walsh?

No, he's avoiding me. Have you
heard anything from Richard?

No, no. I think he's
still too shaken up,

and I think he's
avoiding all of us, too.

We need to talk to Richard.
We're onto something, Gina.

I know that the group split up,

but we have to get
everyone back together.

I know. It's not going to be easy, okay?

Mm. Also, um, you're going to have to

buy that candle from here
or I'm going to get fired.

But I don't want this.
That'll be a dozen then!

- Okay, so what happened?
- I told you.

Tell me again. I'm a little slow.

[Sighs] My girlfriend exploded.

Why won't you believe me?!

Did it look something like this?

[Warbles]

[Gasps, panting]

Oh, come on, Richard.

Get it together.

Okay.

[Warbles] No...

No! N...

Ah! [Panting]

Margaret. Oh, hi.

I had that dream within a
dream where I blew up again.

Oh, honey.

Wait...

Is this a dream?

No, Richard, it's not.

You want to come in and watch
"Grace and Frankie" with me?

I'll just listen from down here.

Goodnight, Richard.

[Sighs] Goodnight, Margaret.

Thank you for letting me stay here.

I don't know what to do, Ozzie.

I'm glad you could come.

He thinks everything
is going to explode.

And the other night, a car backfired.

I found him shivering in my closet.

He's... Look.

OZZIE: Why is he in the chair?

He's mad at his legs

because they weren't fast
enough to save Nancy.

- Good job, buddy.
- Yeah. Good job, Richard.

♪♪

What do you want to do today?

We could go see the
geyser or the blue lagoon

or the volcano.

Well... I was thinking maybe
we could go see your...

Your dying mother.

Yeah, we... we could.

I just think that maybe, Don...

you might be avoiding
going to see your mom.

You know, 'cause it's... It's too sad.

- Reykjavik.
- No.

♪♪

No. [Chuckles] That's odd.

I can never quite remember
what room is my mother's.

Should we go pick some more flowers?

Hey... No.

We can do this, okay?

If you don't remember what room it is,

we'll just go downstairs,

and there's a list of
names at the front desk.

- Okay?
- Okay.

I'm here.

Here we go. Found her.

[Speaking Icelandic] _

[Speaking Icelandic] _

_

Hi.

It's so nice to meet you.

Do you speak English?

No. No English.

[Sighs] Mother... I am
so sorry you're dying.

[Typewriter keys clack]

[Sighs]

[Clears throat] There's a discount
if you pay three nights up front.

Oh, thanks for letting me know,

but I won't be here nearly that long.

[Keyboard clicks]

There are no seams anywhere.
Perfectly constructed.

[Knocking on door] MARGARET: Richard?

Just a minute, please.

Are you looking at
pictures of Nancy again?

No! No, I'm not.

Sweetie, we talked about this.

Just give me a second... [Stammers]

I was... looking at p*rn.

Listen, I got a great idea.

Why don't you take a break from...

whatever it is you're
doing and get some air?

Hmm? We could go for a
dip in the hot tub.

Okay, but, why don't you
just come on down, huh?

They've got some rice pudding!

It's the kind you like.
It's from Costco.

The cafeteria's that way, Margaret.
[Gasps]

It's an ambush.

Yes, Richard.

It's a healing ambush.

OZZIE: We're just here to talk.

I thought he'd look a lot crazier.

[Overly enunciated] We're
here for you, buddy.

Hi, Richard.

[Quietly] Make her go away.

Uh, okay, I hypnotized
Ozzie, and we went deep.

Um...

We learned that we were
probably on the ship before.

When we were kids.

And there were other
children on the ship.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Other children?

And you all might have been there.

- We... We...
- That is not okay.

Then... Then we were a group
before we were a group?

Oh, was... was... was I there?
Did you see me?

Very cute, precocious,

could already spell by the age of three?

Okay, how does this help
me get out of my chair?

Because if you just sit there, they win.

Richard, let us be your legs.

Together, we can stand strong.

Together, we can walk towards the truth.

Wow, Gina, that's a really great speech.

And we might not like what we find.

It might be really, really dark.

We might find that it's terrifying.

- Oh, no, Gina. That's maybe too far.
- We may never recover!

No, no, no, no. Nope,
nope, nope, nope, no!

I'm not falling for this!

The woman who swore undying love
to me was a robot and exploded.

How can I trust anyone?

And P.S., your boss? He's a Reptilian.

So, I'm just here for the rice pudding.

Oh, there's no rice pudding.

What? Margaret?

- You lied to me?
- Well...

Wait, this is what I'm talking about.

I can't trust nobody about nothing here!

OZZIE: Look, Richard, we need you.

You're the only one who saw
Walsh as an actual Reptilian.

So, what say we get this
group back together

and we figure out what happened?

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

I'm in.

I started the group and I named it,

so I'm in.

Yeah, I'm in. [Sighs]

Richard?

Get up out of that chair
and walk, Richard.

Like a man.

[Sighs] Okay.

I'm in.

[Groans]

Under one condition.

I need blood...

from all of you

so I can run some DNA tests

to make sure that you
are not Reptilians.

There's a test for that?

Don't you know anything
about Reptilians?

That they have acid for blood?

No, Yvonne, I don't.

And I trust you, Yvonne.

And now I'm suspicious of you, Chelsea.

Oh, well, now I'm suspicious
of you, too, Richard!

Chelsea, don't negotiate past yes.

- GINA: Not now.
- Just... give the man some blood.

All right, fine.

And... I reserve the right
to pull firmly on the skin

of each one of your faces once a meeting

to prove that you're not
Reptilians wearing a mask.

No, no, no. No one touches my face.

But I will give you
blood as I don't mind

finding out who's a lizard, too.

- Okay.
- Compromise.

Well, if we're going
to get back together,

where are we going to meet?

Because I'm not going to be able to have

any visitors here after... him.

Well, I think I might be able to get us

back into the church.

- How?
- Well, I could talk to Father Doug.

[Clears throat] 'Cause he, um...
He listens to me.

Oh, I missed this. Wow!

[Voice breaking] That
was a long four days.

[Sighs]

Ugh.

This will be boring.

Seeing pictures of my childhood.

We should go.

No! I want to see this.

I want to see pictures
of you as a little...

girl.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Always pictures of my sister,

never of me. [Chuckles]

That's a family argument.

Uh... Excuse me.

I just need to go to the bathroom.

Don, Don, Don. This is so bad.

Oh, you have to tell her the truth.

[Clears throat] Kelly...

I am...

I am not who I say I am.

I've been in your kitchen before.

Remember?

We had beers.

[Snorts]

Hey, yeah.

I'm an alien.

Yeah, so...

[Clicks tongue] That's me.

Don. Don, listen to me.

We're playing it coo... [Gags]

[Muffled] Oh, this is bad.

This is bad.

Hey, Kelly.

Guess who got two thumbs and two hearts?

Th... Oh.

Well, technically, you
are an alien to me.

Okay, Kelly, I have to
tell you something.

I know this is going to sound crazy.

Hello. Are you Don?

Mm... Mm-hmm.

Do you think that this is your mother?

Oh. Oh, I can explain that.

What... But... What
happened to the girl?

The blond girl with the
tears on her face?

Yeah, she gave us a message for you.

Go [bleep] yourself.

Mm. Hmm.

Kelly?

Oh, man.

Oh, this place is a maze.

Hey, Ozzie. Uh... have
you heard from Jerry?

No, I left him a message,
but he never responded.

Yeah, I'm worried I might be the
reason why he didn't show up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because we were dating,
and I broke up with him.

Ohh... what?

You all were dating?

He told you, didn't he?

Yeah.

Look, but I don't think it's about you.

He's just been going
through a lot and...

honestly, I think he just wanted
a break from this alien stuff.

This is the latest specimen I abducted.

Just doing my part

to make sure that we
reach our yearly quota.

I'm about to run tests on him.

Is this subject sick?
He is kind of puffy.

That's how he looked, actually,
when I abducted him.

Did I mention I abducted him?

By myself? [Chuckles]

Just before you docked with us.

Whoa. Look at you guys.

A Grey...

And a little black box thingy.

Hello, human.

My name is Eric.

Hi, Eric.

So, anyway, that's this room.

Let me show you the rest of the ship.

- There's so much to see.
- Wait.

Aren't you going to tell me I'm special?

I thought you said that to everybody.

You tell them that they are special?

Yes, it's this thing we came up with.

Kind of calms them down.

They're a very needy species.

May I?

Knock yourself out.

Thank you.

You are special.

You're special.

[Chuckles] I like this specimen.

I like you, too.

I will find a very special
job for you, Jerry.

- Father?
- Doug.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Can StarCrossed start meeting
in the church again?

No. Absolutely not.

That's going to be a...

It's... It's...

Say you're the ukulele club.

Okay!

♪ ...for a day like today ♪

Kelly?

♪ There's a dove in the treetop ♪

♪ Singing peace on the wind ♪

♪ Again, and again and again ♪

Kelly's toothbrush...

- I found him.
- ♪ Just a dream ♪

[Whoosh]

♪ For a day like today ♪

- Oh, hello.
- Welcome back...

- Don.
- This is our new boss, Eric.

You're kind of in trouble.

I assume you were conducting
work in the field.

I was in the field with a subject.

The most... beautiful subject.

And I got her toothbrush.

But she has my heart.

[Sniffles]

Excuse me.

I noticed I'm missing a finger.

- Oh, yeah.
- [Knocking on door]

Officer Glimmer?

Uh, well, until : a.m.
tomorrow, it's just Lance.

Oh, sorry, Lance. I know it's late.

Um, I'm Special Agent Alex Foster, FBI.

- What's the matter?
- Shh.

Just had a couple questions
about Jonathan Walsh.

Do you mind if I come in?

Um... would it be weird to say no?

- It would.
- I was kidding, uh...

Yeah, uh, yeah, come on in.

♪♪

[Vacuum whirring]

♪♪