02x04 - Always A Day Away

[bunniefuu]

Time to clean up this mess.

Sweet Kurt.

On a scale of one to ,

how incompetent is Jeff?

If we're going to do this,

we have to do it the right way.

- I told them where you are.
- Which them?

I'll take care of the traitor.

I'm not letting you out of
my sight until I get Walsh.

What happened to the girl?

The blonde girl with the...

The tears on her face?

[Chuckles] I'm feeling so guilty, Jeff.

I-I lied to Kelly in Iceland

about who I really am.

Do you think I should
tell her the truth?

Why do we even have to go
to a stupid staff meeting?

Did you even hear me, Jeff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You left your
luggage in Iceberg with Shelly.

Who does Eric think he is...

Coming here, changing everything?

What a d*ck.

How do I look?

Good.

Her name is Kelly.

Eric: Clap, clap, clap.

See? Teamwork feels good.

Okay, stop.

How do we feel?

- Great.
- Yeah... great.

Sharing experiences with a co-worker

increases productivity by %.

Okay, here's today's
inspirational quote.

"Follow your dreams,"

"but most of all, follow the mission."

Yeah.

I have chills.

Yeah, me, too.

Good meeting.

Dismissed!

Uh, Jeff, hang back for a second.

I like what I'm seeing from you today,

and I have a special assignment.

Do you think you're ready for it?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

I am ready.

How would you like to
clean the storage bay

of all its garbage and dispose of it...

permanently?

[Scanning]

Junk.

[Scanning]

Junk.

[Scanning]

Junk.

Get rid of everything.

We need the space.

Oh, yeah, but the only problem

is that's where we keep Kurt's body.

So it's... Everything.

Oh.

Okay.

♪♪

[Cellphone chimes]

Glimmer says there's someone after us.

[Cellphone chimes]

And he wants to know
where the TV remote is.

Maybe we should get out of here.

Yeah, but I'm addicted to
the hush puppies here.

Just keep the car running.

I'll be back in two minutes.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. How quickly can
you do a number two,

the number four, the number five,

and the number six?

Pretty quickly, they're
just sitting right there

under the heat lamp.

Okay, great. I'll do that,

and an order of the hush puppies,

extra crispy.

[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

[Fryer sizzling]

Your hush puppies are ready.

[g*nsh*t]

[Whimpers]

Sir, you forgot your order!

Thank you for seeing me, Bishop McNally.

My door is always open, Doug.

I called because I wanted to talk to you

about something that I'm not proud of.

Uh-huh?

It involves a woman.

Oh.

I'm in love with her, and I
want to leave the church.

You don't have to leave the church

if you haven't done anything yet.

We did it.

One time. Okay, um...

I forgive you.

God forgives you.

I don't think you understand.

I'm feeling a different kind of calling.

One where I explore a
life with Chelsea...

That's the woman's name.

Doug, let's give it some time, hmm?

Pray on it.

And we'll revisit this in,
say, six to eight months.

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Hello.
- You owe me an apology.

What? You owe me an apology.

You're the reason I've got an FBI agent

following me around nonstop.

♪♪

This was really on
your to-do list today?

Feel like you're kind
of messing with me.

Just pick a card.

It's for Gina's birthday.
I'd like for it to be nice.

It literally doesn't matter.

She's gonna read it and
put it in the trash can.

Listen, I found us a safe
place where we can meet...

If you can manage to shake
your shadow this time.

How am I supposed to do that?

She's staying in the same hotel as me.

Ozzie, you have two Master's degrees.

You'll figure it out.
I'll text you the info.

[Line clicks]

♪♪

So is this a date?

What? Gerry, at group?

It is past : P.M.?

Am I wearing heels?

Did you buy me a drink?

Okay. Good to know.

I'm just glad we're in public together.

[Chuckles]

Woman: Oh, excuse me.

♪♪

Oy, what do I write? So much pressure.

You know, as a journalist,

people expect you to write
something witty and clever

and maybe put in a great
quote from a politician

or something like that.

Oh, my God.

"Can't shake Foster."

Walsh wants to meet me alone.

Need you to distract her at party.

P.S.... Happy birthday.

"P.P.S.... Act natural
when you read this."

Hi!

- Happy birthday, Gina!
- Hi!

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you, guys.

I made you a birthday cake this morning,

but then I dropped it in
the parking lot, so...

But it's the thought that counts, right?

Yes, thank you, Margaret.

And we got you a card.

Oh, a card.

Oh.

Oh, you all... you all
chipped in just for the one?

- Just one card.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Read it out loud.
- No! No, no.

Read it to yourself,
'cause mine's personal.

Oh. Okay, cool.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Very nice sentiment, Ozzie.

I did change your life.

Would you like to come to my
birthday party, Agent Foster?

If he's there, I'm there.

Okay, well, don't feel
obliged to bring me a gift.

Oh, I won't. But just in case,

I like body scrubs and Starbucks cards,

and cash is never tacky.

That goes for everyone. [Chuckles]

Ooh! Okay, everybody.

Who's up for some birthday karaoke?

Everyone? Good, because it's mandatory.

Hey, so Walsh just
texted me his location.

We need to distract Alex so
I can sneak out of here.

Don't worry. We got our
best secret agent on it.

Tell me about the FBI. What's that like?

'Cause I think that would
be kind of a good, like,

fall-back plan for me,

if this dance thing, you know,

doesn't work out.

They can be rough.

Yeah, sometimes you have to spend time

in small, boring towns.

Ugh! I'd hate that.

This is gonna be awesome.

We're gonna get new alien info.

Hug me, hug me... She's watching.

[All cheer]

Oh! Wow, so much love.

Gina, I'm sorry for making you
do this on your birthday.

It's okay. I'm happy to do it

if it brings the group
closer to the truth.

[Whirring]

[Thump, whoosh]

♪♪

I guess this is it, my...

Kurt.

Maybe in some twisted way,
this is what I needed to do

so that I could finally let go.

We had some good times together.

Just give it back. [Laughs]

I have a lot of stapling to do.

Somebody got a haircut.

I did!

Thanks for noticing.

Bye, sweet Kurt.

Car! [Gasps]

What's happening?

Kurt, you're alive!

Of course I'm alive!

What else would I be?

You were dead.

No, I wasn't.

Dead, you were dead.

- I was?
- So dead.

You were dead.

♪♪

Oh, I want to thank everyone
for being here tonight,

and I'm gonna insist that
everyone sing a song

and have a drink.

[Chuckles]

That goes for you, Agent Foster.

That's Mama's birthday wish.

When Gina gets a little drunk,
she refers to herself as "Mama."

Well, I'm sorry.

But federal law mandates that
I recuse myself from karaoke.

Whoa, you're making Mama sad.

- Don?
- Not my best.

I cannot believe this.

[Group mutters]

♪♪

[Baby cries]

♪♪

Alex, are you okay?

You know what? Um...

I actually think I will have that drink.

- Oh. Amazing!
- Yay!

All right, everybody. Birthday sh*ts!

I'm gonna drink something on fire!

Ooh, okay.

I just wanted a chance to
explain about Iceland.

Oh, you mean the giant insane lie

about your fake "meuther" dying.

Yeah.

That's it.

Can we talk outside?

♪♪

Whoo!

Mmm!

♪ And odds are he won't
live to see tomorrow ♪

Come on, Alex. Come on up
here and sing it with us.

♪ Secret agent ♪

♪ Alex ♪

♪ Secret agent Alex ♪

They sound crazy.

Hey, what about "Don't Stop Believing"?

Sure, if you want to sound
like everyone else.

I think, honestly, the key to karaoke

is to just pick a song
that's personal to you.

Wow, sounds like you got
some experience with this.

Can I tell you something?

I love karaoke.

Get out.

I have a trophy at home,
a karaoke trophy.

Why are you keeping that
a secret, Special Agent.

You need to get up there.

- No.
- Yes.

I'm working right now.

- No.
- I shouldn't do that.

Work the stage.

♪ They've given you a number ♪

♪ And taken away your name ♪

[Applause]

How'd it go with the bishop?

Not great.

Who knew that getting a divorce from God

would be this difficult.

Mm-hmm. It's not...

[Sighs] Did you talk to John?

It didn't go so great.

John, oh, my God.

Chelsea, I've been having an affair.

Last night, we were gonna
have sex in a pool

when I slipped and cracked my head.

You were gonna have sex in a pool?

Yeah, but I promised God
that if he let me live,

I would be a better husband to you.

♪♪

[Whimpers]

[Sobbing]

Yeah, it turns out...

this whole lifelong vow thing

is gonna be a lot harder to
get out of than we thought.

I really want to hug you right now.

But, uh...

May I buy you a whiskey?

♪♪

I think she's ready.

I'm always ready.

Wait, ready for what?

All right. We'd like to call
up our next karaoke artist...

Alex Foster.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo!

What are you talking about?
I did not sign up.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one

who can write "Alex Foster"
on a piece of paper.

So sing.

- [Chanting]
- Sing, sing, sing!

Sing, sing, sing, sing!

Come on, you can do it!

Okay, okay, I'll do one song.

Yay! Here goes nothing.

That's my drink, actually.

We're here.

Yeah! Whoo!

[Cheering] Which song?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I'm doing it a cappella.

- Oh.
- Wow.

♪ The sun'll come out ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

♪ Just thinking about ♪

- ♪ Tomorrow ♪
- Cover me.

♪ Clears away the cobwebs
and the sorrow ♪

♪ Till there's none ♪

Gerry: Ozzie.

Hey, listen, man, so look,

we got this for you for your trip.

Um, it's got a box of
chocolates in there,

an extra phone charger...
You know, practical stuff.

And I wanted to get you a
Kn*fe, but I don't know,

I thought that would be kind of weird.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, so instead...

I got you a g*n.

Oh, no, that's okay.

You hold onto the g*n.
No, you hold onto that.

I'll just keep the
chocolates and the charger.

Thanks. Yeah.

I guess this is it.

Hey, guys, hurry up.

She's on the third verse.

This reminds me of the time we
broke Timothy Leary out of jail.

Timothy Leary?

Go. Hurry.

Oh.

Oh, okay, all right, Han.

♪♪

♪♪

There goes the bravest
man I've ever known.

[Chuckles]

This is the weirdest date ever.

♪ When I'm stuck with a day ♪

♪ That's gray ♪

♪ And lonely ♪

[Voice breaking] ♪ I stick out my chin ♪

♪ And grin ♪

♪ And say ♪

♪ The sun'll come out ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

[Sighs]

[Sniffles]

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day ♪

[Whispers] ♪ Away ♪

[Scattered applause]

Richard: Okay.

All right there, everybody,
that was amazing.

- So strong. Yeah.
- So emotional.

Hello. Are you okay? That song seemed...

very personal.

Yes.

Well, Annie was an orphan, and...

[Inhales] I'm an orphan.

So I really identify with her.

Okay, that's connecting some dots.

I was found in a bassinet
in a baby nursery store.

[Gasping]

My parents just left me there.

Like Punky Brewster.

No, she was found in a mall.

Get your orphan stories right.

And I know all of them.

Batman, Anne of Green
Gables, Alexander Hamilton.

- Mm-hmm.
- Where's Ozzie?

Yvonne: Uh, yeah, he
went to the bathroom.

- [Gasps]
- Ozzie!

- He was here. He's not here.
- That's so funny.

He's gone, isn't he?

- Ozzie's not here.
- I just saw him.

- I am so surprised.
- Alex!

[Sighs]

Come on!

sh*t!

Who was that woman in the hospital?

Is your name even Don?

Oh, you're married, aren't you?

No, no, no.

I'm not married.

And my name is Don.

Uh... we actually know each other

from somewhere else.

I tried to tell you the truth

when we were in Iceland.

I'm... I'm your alien.

I visited you.

Who told you about my experience?

No one told me anything.

I'm... I'm... I was your experience.

You are a unique and
valuable creation, Kelly.

[Whispering] Oh, my God.

[Normal voice] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's...

- You're an alien?
- Yes. I just...

- Oh, my God!
- No, no.

- No!
- Oh, it's a negative?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm so sorry I have to do this,

but I'm going to erase your mind.

What?!

Whew!

Okay, let's try this again.

Try what again?

Remember the first time we met,

at the coffee shop?

That was not the first time we met.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

Now...

Picture me...

with a beer in your kitchen.

It's a pleasant memory.

Kelly: You're an awesome listener.

There we go.

Oh, my God!

- No.
- What are you...

Okay, so, hey, look at this.

- No, no, no, please.
- You should know the truth.

You deserve the truth.

What the [bleep] is going on?!

Okay, Kelly, you... You want the truth?

Yeah, that would be great.

I'm married.

Well, I knew it.

Why do I keep falling for this bullsh...

I thought you were different.

No, I'm bad.

I'm so sorry. You deserve
someone better than me.

You're g*dd*mn right I do.

In fact, I wish...

that we'd never even met.

You have a nice life, Don.

You, too.

[Door slams]

You know, the...

The last thing I remember, I was...

I was gonna clean up Walsh's mess,

so I beamed down to Earth,

and I walked out onto the road, and I...

- Car!
- Shh, shh!

You're safe now.

There's no cars up here.

The important thing
is that you're alive.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, but how?

And why were you so close
to my face when I woke up?

[Coughs] I was...

clearly doing CPR.

[Chuckles]

- Oh.
- You know, I don't know.

Um... [Laughs]

Is it hot in here?

It feels very hot...

- in here. Oh, hey.
- What?

There's new management on the ship.

What?

New management?

Yeah. There was a merger.

Our new boss is a Cube.

He's changing everything.

He wanted me to get rid of your body.

What a d*ck.

Total d*ck.

- [Chuckles]
- [Snorts]

[Both laugh]

I knew Jeff couldn't be trusted.

Is Don still an assh*le?

Yeah, you weren't dead that long.

[Laughter]

Alex: Congrats.

You proud of yourselves for
embarrassing an FBI agent?

Were you all in on this?

Is it even your birthday?

Well, it's tomorrow, but
the Groupon for this place

expired tonight.

This could cost me my job.

There.

I got you a body scrub.

Alex. Alex, wait, please.

[Sighs]

What we did was awful.

I just hope that one day you'll
understand why we did it.

We are really sorry.

And if you ever, ever want to
talk about being an orphan...

I'm here, I'm available.

And I'm trained.

I don't need to talk to anyone...

and neither did Batman.

♪♪

[Sighs]

- [Buzzing]
- Oh.

Wow, that's good.

♪ Show me, lover ♪

♪ Where I've gone wrong ♪

When you're from space,

and you're... you're in love
with someone on Earth...

[Burps] it's... it's such a bu...

Pbht! It's a downer.

Mmm.

This chair is just the worst.

[Bleep] you, space!

You heard me.

[Sighs, sniffs]

My name is Don.

And, um, I'm an alcoholic.

- Hey, Don.
- Hi, Don.

[Sighs]

I guess it all started

when I met a girl named Kelly.

♪ Lonesome warrior ♪

♪ Wounded again ♪

♪ Tell me, lover ♪

Ozzie won't get here till morning.

I'll take the first watch.

Why, because you're a man?

No, I... I just thought
you might want to...

Get some sleep.

Big day tomorrow.

[Crickets chirping]

Okay.

Thanks.

[Rustling]

[g*n cocks]