03x04 - I'm Sick

[bunniefuu]

In just a few moments, we'll be
arriving at our first stop on the tour,

the Freddy house from
Nightmare on Elm Street.

[murmuring]

I know that Freddy Krueger

doesn't live in an actual
house in the movie.

We just call it the Freddy house.

Thanks for pointing out the thing
that everybody always points out.

- [chuckles]
- Hey, guys, I'm super hyped for this tour.

Yeah. Me too, buddy. It's gonna be good.

I don't want to set
the bar too high here,

but I truly feel this will
be the best day of our lives.

[laughing]

I totally agree, and I've
had a lot of good days. Whoa!

[laughing]

Okay, this is the best day of my life!

[theme music playing]

Hang on. Are these all
scary movie locations?

- You said movie locations.
- No, I said horror movie locations.

No, you didn't. I would've
remembered if you'd said that.

I hate horror movies.

Why watch a movie that scares me?

That's like watching a
movie that makes me thirsty.

Why would I want that? I
don't like feeling that way.

To your right is the house from
A Nightmare on Elm Street,

- the Freddy house.
- Oh! Oh!

[Chris] So cool!

- [cell phone buzzes]
- [Chris whoops]

Oh, that's unmistakable.

Hello?

[Mickey] I'm still at your place.

I threw up in a dumpster.

[tour guide] Notice the red door...

Oh, my God. Holy sh*t, are you okay?

Yeah, I think I just
had to expel some stuff.

Do you want me to come back?

Or...

Um... No.

It's not that serious. I'll be fine.

Okay, 'cause if you want me to,
I'll gladly just drop this and come.

I wouldn't wanna come
unless you want me to.

No, no, I'll be fine. You should stay.

Okay. Uh...

Well, you know, get better.

If at any point you
want me to come back,

just give me a holler and
I'll zoom right over. Okay?

Okay. Thanks, Gus-Gus.

Okay, thank you. I mean,
get well. Okay, bye.

[tour guide] To which Freddy replies,

"Okay, but I get the first slice."

[all laughing]

Maybe we could ask this guy about
any regular filming locations.

Like Sheldon's house.
Something light and fun.

Like, where the Gilmore
girls live? Ruby gets it.

- You good, Gus?
- Huh?

- You good?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You seem a little disgruntled.

Yeah. I don't know, I just...

I'm thinking maybe I
should go check on Mickey.

It feels weird to stay
here and... I don't know.

It feels like a test or something.

If it sounds like a
test, it's a test, right?

When has anyone ever been
like, "Maybe this is a test?"

Then it turns out it's not a test.

I, one time, went to a Super Bowl party

the same day my girlfriend
found out she got Lyme disease.

- I got an F on that test.
- Yeah.

What do you think, Ruby?

I had a bunch of edibles earlier.

I'm not the type of person to
answer relationship questions.

- Okay, but what if you weren't on edibles?
- Who's on edibles?

Listen to me, Gus. Listen. You
have to get back to that apartment.

This is the f*cking relationship
LSATs and if you fail this thing,

there'll be a day when you think
you're cruising on easy street.

Could be tomorrow, a week
from now or months from now,

where you're chilling and like,

"Mickey, can you get me a
granola bar off the fridge?"

And she goes, "Why don't
you get it off the bus?"

That's her blindsiding you, and
you don't wanna be blindsided.

- Right. Okay.
- Get off this bus.

Excuse me. Excuse me,
can you stop the bus?

What?

I'm sorry, can you stop the bus?

Pull over the bus, Ed.
We got a broken arrow.

[Gus] Sorry, I just...

Sorry, folks.

This gentleman's become too
scared by the horrors he's seen.

He has to exit.

I'm not scared, I gotta
take care of my girlfriend.

Whatever, buddy.

You're not better than me 'cause
you have a girlfriend. Okay?

I... I didn't mean that, that way.

You brought up the girlfriend,
so you think you're better

and you think I don't have
one, which you're right,

but it's not important, so just leave.

Awww!

Mickey the sicky.

Hey.

What? What are you doing here?

I wanted to come back.

It didn't feel right for me to
be out there while you're here,

so I'm here. I wanna take
care of you. Okay, so...

You left your tour for me.

I wanted to. It was
the easiest decision.

I wanna be here for you, okay?

You can come closer to me
'cause I'm not contagious.

It's food poisoning.

Oh.

Okay. Well, I'll come over to ya.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Sorry, excuse me. I don't wanna
sit on your little tootsies there.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So, why do you
think it's food poisoning?

'Cause when I got this
crab cake at Seafood Now,

as soon as I bit into
it, it tasted rotten.

I don't wanna talk about it too
much 'cause it makes me wanna puke.

I get that. I understand.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- [exhales]
- It's all right.

[Mickey] Hmm.

[tour guide] Buckle up,

because our next stop
is the Wallace house

from the Halloween franchise.

Uh-oh! Who's this?

- [all gasping]
- From the Halloween franchise,

- one of our most famous portrayers...
- Oh, my f*cking God.

of Michael Myers... Glenn Michener.

[all cheering] Yeah!

Thanks.

[Chris] Yeah!

Please keep in mind
that we will get inside.

Try to remember that
this is only possible due

to the kindness of the homeowners.

Have your fun, right?
But also be respectful,

because they are redoing
the floors in the guest bath.

- You got it, sir.
- See? These guys get it.

- [growls]
- [all laughing]

Yeah.

[Gus] Hey, hey, hey.

How you feeling? Feelin' better?

[groans]

What'd you get me?

Oh, got you all kinds of goodies.

Got you this little guy.

[in high-pitched voice] I swam the
Pacific to tell you, "Get well."

Sorry, that's stupid. I don't even know.

The guy made me get it,
and I didn't really want to.

But I got you some basics.

Got you a little tea and
some Pepto that you wanted.

Did you get me an US Weekly?

And I got you this.

Just in case you were wondering
if the stars were just like us.

- I have been wondering. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thanks for getting all this stuff.

Of course, baby.

You want something to drink?

Gatorade.

You got blue Gatorade?

From the way you said it, you love blue?

I thought that was universally accepted

as the worst flavor of Gatorade.

Oh. Okay, sorry.

It's just when you're super sick,
you know exactly what you want.

Okay, yeah, I guess.

I can't believe they
kept the same lights.

- Even the Christmas lights.
- His family was just sitting there.

How was it? Was it scary?

No. You f*cked up.

It's like a carnival
in there. It's awesome.

Yeah. Michael Myers f*cking loves us.

- Thanks to Kevin.
- Yeah.

All I did was act like
I had no idea who he was.

- Celebrities love that.
- Yeah.

I think it's 'cause it makes
them feel like they're normal.

But they're not, they're way better.

Ten times better.

So, near the end of the film, Jamie
Lee Curtis starts saying to me,

"Glenn, you're the best
Mike Myers we've had."

- And I'm like...
- "The best."

Yeah. I guess so. I
guess it's a compliment.

It is a compliment.
That's very beautiful.

So, you guys wanna do something?

Uh... What do you mean?

I don't know.

Leave here, get a drink,
hang out. Why not, right?

- Yeah, we should do it.
- [Beth] Sure.

I guess we could for a little bit.

Let's hang out with Glenn Michener.

♪ Soupy, soup, soup Everybody
like the soup, soup ♪

♪ Mickey, get some soup, soup
Everybody love some soup ♪

Your phone buzzed. It looks like...

your friends are hanging
out with some old dude.

[gasps]

Holy sh*t! They're hanging
out with Michael Myers.

They're hanging out with this guy
Glenn. He played Michael Myers.

The cool thing about him was,

he was this guy who
put his own stamp on it.

Doesn't matter, it's fine.

Sorry, I'm just having
a hard time following.

[scoffs] Ah!

Oh, my God. They're just
hanging out with Glenn Michener.

They're having a blast
with Glenn Michener.

He's got his arm around Ruby.

So, what,

Ruby and Glenn Michener
are just like BFFs now?

What the f*ck? Man...

♪ Truckin', got my
chips cashed in ♪

♪ Keep truckin' like
the doodah man ♪

♪ Together, more
or less in line ♪

♪ Just keep truckin' on ♪

♪ Arrows of neon and flashing
marquees out On Main Street ♪

♪ Chicago, New York, Detroit
And it's all the same street ♪

♪ Your typical city involved
In a typical daydream ♪

♪ Hang it up And see
what tomorrow brings ♪

♪ Dallas got a soft machine ♪

♪ Houston too close
to New Orleans ♪

♪ New York got the
ways and means ♪

♪ But just won't let you be ♪

[exhales]

♪ Most of the cats that you meet
On the street speak of true love ♪

♪ Most of the time they're
sitting And crying at home ♪

♪ One of these days They
know they gotta get going ♪

Hey there, bud.

You okay?

[grunts] No, I got this
sharp pain in my stomach.

I'm also really hot and
then I get cold, and then...

f*ck... Is this how you felt?

I just threw up, so...

You feel like you're gonna throw up?

I do.

I don't wanna talk about it,
'cause if I talk about it,

then it's gonna happen,
so let's just not go there.

Let's just... Let's shut up.

Shut up now.

I'm sorry. I really thought
I had food poisoning.

[groans]

Why would you be sorry, Mickey?

Well, 'cause you're sick.

Right.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm sick,
'cause now I can't take care of you.

So, it really more
sucks for you. So, sorry.

No, I'm feeling like the
nausea is passing, so I'm okay.

[groaning]

What are you doing? Stop hitting
your head against the wall.

- No. No.
- No?

[Gus] I don't like this.

[Mickey] Okay, can I help?

- [Gus] No. No.
- No?

I'm okay. It's all right, stay there.

I don't like to be looked
after. It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't wanna be a
pain in the butt to you.

- Okay?
- Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying
to be a d*ck. I'm just...

I just need to go off and...

Like an animal does and just
die or hibernate or something.

I'm gonna leave the door open,

so if you need anything, I'm
not shutting you out, I just...

[groans] f*ck.

[panting]

[vocalizing]

- Thank you.
- [Glenn] Take a sh*t, take a sh*t.

- That's so many sh*t glasses.
- Yes. Uh-huh.

There's a lot of sh*t
glasses for a lot of drinking.

Now, to Michael Myers.

Yeah.

[all] To Michael Myers.

[vocalizing]

Yes!

Let us get to rap sessioning.

Come on. [grunts]

- sh*t. f*ck. God damn it.
- You want help or are you...

I got it. I got it. Cool, man.

Cool.

- Good tequila, right?
- Yeah.

So, rap session.

- You guys are all horror buffs, right?
- [Beth] Yeah.

What's your favorite horror scary movie?

I'm kind of scared right
now, to be honest with you.

[chuckles] These guys.

You're a funny guy. Funny,
that's what it's about.

Okay. I'll ask another
question then, funny guy.

What is your greatest fear?

Ghosts. Without a doubt, ghosts.

We all know that ghosts don't exist.

When you're dead, you're
dead. That's it. End of story.

Okay. What's your second biggest fear?

Probably that my girlfriend
will break up with me.

[Chris] Hmm.

- Okay. Let me see a pic of her.
- A picture?

Yeah, because my advice
is to confront your fear.

And that is telling me you need
to dump her right now. Okay?

- Who's got a pic?
- I know I've got one here somewhere.

- Hold on.
- Here she is.

[Glenn] Great. Okay.

Forget it! Oh, my gazoongas! [laughs]

You have sold the farm
and gone to heaven.

You need to hang on to this one, right?

That's my plan.

- Ran-man, that's the plan. Okay.
- Yeah.

You're nothing to sneeze at
yourself there, lady legs.

Okay. No.

No, thank you. But thanking you a lot.

How about you, man in jeans?

What?

Yeah. So, you guys like to party?

I don't know if I wanna party with...

I like parties. Parties are great.

[Glenn] Okay. All right.

Let me whip up some popcorn.
Stay right here. Okay?

We gotta get the f*ck
out of here immediately.

- Yeah. This is getting weird.
- Come on.

I hope you guys like relaxing butter.

- [Chris] I'm out of here.
- [Beth] He's creepy.

- We can't leave without saying goodbye.
- [Beth] Who is he?

[Randy] Chris, come back.
Guys, he's making us popcorn.

- [Chris] It's stuck.
- [Kevin] Other way.

What are you doing? You keep
locking and unlocking it.

- [Chris] It's stuck. I'm turning it!
- [Kevin] What is wrong with you?

[Randy] Chris!

Guys, he's popping up popcorn for us.

Okay. So, I whipped up a small
batch, just half a bowl...

Where did everyone go?

Those guys... they don't
like butter in their popcorn.

They had to work early, so they
couldn't have slippery fingers.

You know what?

f*ck 'em. That's right. f*ck those guys.

- More for us, right? Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Let's chow down, man.
- Glenn!

Knock, knock.

Hey.

- Tried your blue Gatorade.
- Yay.

- Wasn't that bad, actually.
- It's pretty good, right?

Do you want some?

Let's see. Let's test this out.

That's good stuff.

I'll love it forever.

Can I sit with you, or do
you still wanna be alone?

Ah... Come here. Come here.

My Mickey. Come here.

- Let's be sick. Let's be sick.
- [groans]

Really took it out of me. I don't
even think Stella got this sick.

Wait, Stella was sick?

- Yeah.
- Sick how? Like, us sick?

Now that I think about it, yeah.

After her, maybe a couple
other people got sick.

What the f*ck?

Mickey, that's...

That's fine, but that's baffling to me,

'cause if I was working somewhere
and somebody I worked with got sick,

and then I saw two or three
other people getting sick,

I would be like, "I need to
Purell like a m*therf*cker now

and quarantine myself from
the rest of the universe."

I'm sorry that I'm not
a germophobe like you.

Don't make me out to
be Howard Hughes, okay?

It's just being responsible.

If I got sick, I would know

where I got sick, how
I got sick, why, when.

It's just baffling to
me. I don't understand it.

Sorry. Jesus.

I f*cked up and you're perfect.
What do you want me to say?

I just... I don't know how
you could be foggy about this.

Do you...

Do you think? [snickers]

Do you not care? Where's your head?

- So mean.
- I'm not trying to be mean.

Maybe I was foggy because I was sick.

[Gus exhales]

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm just saying what I would do in
the situation and you didn't do it.

I guess your priorities are
different, and that's fine, but...

That f*cking crab cake
tasted rotten last night, Gus.

And I wasn't sick and
then I just threw up.

Doesn't that sound like
food poisoning to you?

[grunts]

What?

I gotta go to the bathroom again...

because I'm sick.
Because I'm f*cking sick.

I gotta go to the bathroom again,
and it's just a hell, nightmarescape.

It's nights like these that
really put hair on your nipples.

Randy?

I've got, like, a confession to make.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I lied to you earlier

when you opened up about
your fear of the paranormal.

Hmm. What do you mean?

I'm talking about ghosts,
Randy. Ghosts are f*cking real.

Come on. No, they're not. I'm stupid.

They're as real as real can be.

As real as aliens.

I used to be king of the world.

I used to be Michael f*cking Myers.

And now look at me.

A loser.

I've shrunk about a half
an inch over the past year.

I lost...

no weight.

I'm broke.

And I live in a
sh*thole of an apartment.

So, you wanna know how I
know that ghosts exist, Randy?

You're looking at one. Right now.

But...

it's a metaphor. It's a metaphor.

Do you know what it's like to
have a mask on most of the day?

Well, I'll tell you something.

It's not fun.

Anybody could be under that mask.

I'm not kidding myself.

One day, I was so hungover, I had
to get my cousin to take my place...

and nobody even noticed
when he was Mike Myers.

And he's a f*cking CPA.

And now,

now that I've gotten really real
and, you know, street with you,

I was like, "You're gonna leave
me, just like your friends.

Just like everybody leaves me."

Hey...

I'm not going anywhere.

You're the reason that I'm
so scared of horror movies.

No. Stop it.

The choices that you made...

like, you would move all stiff,
like you couldn't move at all.

[Glenn] Yeah.

Then all of a sudden, you
would run super, super fast.

Yeah, that's my trademark.

But, now that I've met
you, I met the real you.

The man behind the mask, you know?

I'm not scared anymore.

I never have to be
scared again, because...

you're more than a mask. You're like...

you're like my hero.

You don't have to say that.

[Randy] It's true.

You're Michael Myers.

No.

Even better.

You're Glenn Michener.

Randy, I just wanted to say that...

maybe...

if you're not doing anything, maybe...

we could watch one of
the Halloweens?

- I'd like that a lot.
- Great.

I'll fire up the VCR.
It's in the bedroom.

[groans]

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck, this sucks.

This f*cking sucks, Mickey.

If I had known you were contagious...

You would have gone and
hung out with your friends,

which is what you wanted to do anyway?

[sighs] I would've steered clear of you.

I would've washed my hands.
I wouldn't have kissed you.

This is why I did not want your help,

because there's always strings attached.

There are no strings attached
to this, Mickey. Okay?

It's not actually help when
you expect something in return.

- You're always keeping score.
- I'm not keeping score.

You can't believe I'd
wanna be here for you.

Yeah, and you know why
I don't believe that?

'Cause when I told you I
was sick, you hesitated.

No, I didn't wanna come running to you,

because I know that'd
be a turn off for you.

What?

You want me to be an assh*le boyfriend.

You want me to be the guy who's
hanging out with his friends

and treats you like sh*t. I don't know.

Yeah, you don't f*cking know!

I dated that guy times. I
don't want that sh*t anymore.

I don't wanna be the codependent,
clingy guy who comes on too strong...

Be whoever you are!

Then I'm the guy who does stupid sh*t

because he's scared of getting hurt.

Yeah. Guess what. So's everybody!

Why are you yelling at me? I
just want you to feel better!

I know that you want me to
be better 'cause you love me!

Yeah, and you love me!

[breathing heavily]

[chuckles]

I love you.

I love you, too.

- This is so dumb.
- I know.

Stupid.

I'm sorry I got you sick.

[scoffs] We'll get through it.

Come here.

♪ I like your toothy smile ♪

♪ It never fails to beguile ♪

♪ Whichever way the
wind is blowing ♪

♪ I like the way
this is going ♪

♪ I like the color
of your hair ♪

♪ I think we make
a handsome pair ♪

♪ I can only see
my love growing ♪

♪ I like the way
this is going ♪

♪ I like to watch
TV with you ♪

♪ There's really nothing
That I would rather do ♪

♪ Then maybe we
can go to bed ♪

♪ And get up and
do it all again ♪

♪ I like the way
your pants fit ♪