03x12 - Catalina

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Love". Aired: February 2016 to March 2018.
"Love" is a "down-to-earth look at dating," exploring male and female perspectives on romantic relationships through a couple who must navigate the exhilarations and humiliations of intimacy, commitment and other things they were hoping to avoid.
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03x12 - Catalina

Post by bunniefuu »

You watch. You f*cking
watch. It'll happen again.

You'll break up with me.
Then you'll change your mind

and you'll come running back.

So, let's just skip that
part and stay together.

I'm sorry. I know that
that was very hurtful,

and I'm never gonna do
that to you ever again.

You don't have to be so sure about
it. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm trying to say that we should...

Randy, I wanna do this in
the kindest way possible

because you are a very special person,

and I wouldn't wanna
lose you as a friend.

So we'll still be friends?


That's all I needed
to hear, Bertie Bear.

And then maybe after some time passes,

we'll realize that maybe
we do belong together.

- I don't think so.
- Oh! Well, f*ck off then!

I just don't want things to be
weird when we run into each other.

Oh, well guess what. It will be
weird. It will be weird as f*ck!

And I just wanna ask you

if I can please tell people
that this was a mutual breakup.

You can tell people you
broke up with me if you want.

I'll go along with it.

No, it's gotta be mutual.

Okay, it's mutual.

I'm slamming the f... door.

[BERTIE] Okay.




Do you think I should hold
the broom, like, sexy, or...

Oh, God, every single
photo sh**t, someone's like,

"Ooh, you know what?
Maybe she'll hold a broom."

As if they're the first
to ever think of that.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Remember, you're
witches. Grab the broom and lean back.

- You know what? Hey.

Can you get some of just her by herself?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Thank you.

Obvious phallic symbol.
It's in the g*dd*mn Wiccan!

- Cruikshank. Hey.
- Hey.

Uh... What were you thinking?

What do you mean?

Putting Arya in your movie.


- Look, I'm sorry. I just...
- Mm-hmm.

I thought that was
one of those, you know,

don't ask permission, beg for
forgiveness kind of things.

- Well, uh, I got curious...
- Uh-huh.

... so I made Wyatt get
a copy of your script,

so we could read it and make fun of it.

Mm-hmm. Okay, thanks.

Yeah. So we read it,
and, uh, it was good.

I'm not saying it was great.
I'm not, 'cause it wasn't, okay?

But, uh, there was
some real talent there.

Well, that's nice to hear.

I mean, it's funny, 'cause when
I first came up with the idea,

I was like, "Ooh, this
is one of those ideas."

Stop talking. You're
saying too many words.

- Okay.
- Okay?

So, um, the network has
asked me to create a new show,

so I am developing a pilot now.

It's a political thriller that
takes place on a space colony.

- Very cool, very cool.
- Yeah.

And I'm putting together a
staff of writers now to help me

and when the show gets picked
up, they'll be the staff.

- Huh.
- I think you're right for the job.

- No shit? Really?
- No shit. Yeah.

You know, there's
all this sci-fi stuff,

and I'm just gonna, you
know, take a big leap here

and guess you have some
familiarity with that?

Susan, just 'cause I have
glasses and I dress a certain way

doesn't mean I'm into science fiction,

but of course I'm into
science fiction, yes!

So, do you want the job?

Yes, please. Oh, my God. A
thousand times yes, yes, yes.

And you're gonna behave
yourself this time?

- Definitely.
- None of this, like,

throwing laptops around the
f*cking writers' room bullshit?

Those laptop throwing
days are behind me.

- Are you sure?
- I promise, yes.

- Okay.
- Thank you, Susan.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry I hugged you
there. Was that wrong?

No, it was appropriate.

Oh, Gus, come on in!

- Hi.
- To what do I owe this pleasure?

I don't know. I just thought
I'd come in and say hello,

see how you were doing. You
maybe, uh, wanna go get some lunch?

It's : a.m.

- Brunch?

- Do a brunch-type thing?
- Yeah, that's so sweet.

I have to finish this.

Oh, sure, yeah. No,
don't let me stop you.

- Do what you have to do.
- Wait! Is this Gus Cruikshank, boy legend?

[GIGGLES] Is this Stella Emmett,
whose show I love so much,

even though it makes me
feel very weird sometimes?

- Well, then I'm doing my job.

Yay! You two meet, finally.

Mickey talks about you so much,
I feel like I already know you.


I'm sure it's all good things, yes?

Duh. Stella, how many times have I said,

"Sometimes I just think
Gus' penis is too big"?

Like, every day since I met you.


Well, now you know. My
penis must be fairly big

because, otherwise, that
would be a rude thing to...

Or at least average.

Never mind. I'm gonna shut
up. Just... can I watch?

- Yeah, just stop talking. Yeah.
- Okay.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Yeah, we start writing next month.

- Sweetie, congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.

I mean, thank you for everything.

I mean, I couldn't... I couldn't
have done this without you.

Thank you, too. You know?

I never gave a shit about
work before I met you.

You really bring out the best in me.

Yeah, you bring out the best in me, too.

Taught me how to kick ass.

You taught me how to kiss it.

Look at us, k*lling it in
every aspect of our life.

I feel like the universe is rewarding
us for getting our shit together.

You know, I actually
think that's, like, true.

This might sound weird,

but I feel like in South
Dakota, we cracked the code,

like, the code to our relationship.

Yes, exactly.

The code. I know what you mean.
We know the code exactly, yeah.

As long as we're open with each
other and we're real with each other,

we're gonna be okay.

All we have to do... It's so easy.

We just go like, "Hey,
I feel this way inside.

- I'm gonna tell Mickey."
- Yeah.

You feel something. You tell me.

And we're there for each other,
and we can work through anything.

Yeah. It's so sad how, like,

other couples and other
people in relationships,

they feel like they can't, like,

share who they are.

And I just know, like, you're
not gonna think I'm lame.

- No.
- I don't even know what we would fight about.

- What would we fight about?
- I would try to think,

I'd go like, "What
couldn't we work through?"

And it's like nothing. We
could work through anything.

I know that's gonna be true in a year.

- Mm-hmm. - In, like,
five years. In years.

Exactly, and I'm like,

"If I know I'm gonna feel
this years from now,

why wouldn't I just... And
why wouldn't we just... "

- What? Come on, say it.
- No, no, no.

- What? Come on.
- I gotta keep my mouth shut about this.

- Say it. Say it.
- You don't wanna hear it.

I know I've already proposed
once before in my life,

but if I was gonna propose to you, I...

I'd want you to know
I meant it for real.

Okay? I'd want it to happen right away.

What do you mean right away?
Like, run off and elope?


[BERTIE] Gah! Oh, my God!

Aren't you freaking out?

I mean, it's exciting, right?

This is... Wow!

Wait, where is this happening?
How? When? What the f*ck?

We're going to Catalina Island

and having a quickie
wedding on the beach.

The beach. Beautiful.

You can get a justice of
the peace the same day.

We talked to her on the way over here.

Yeah. Her name's Terry.
She seems really nice.

- Terry. Perfect.
- [MICKEY] Yep.

She's gonna meet us on the beach

near our hotel around
six-ish and marry us.

- She's licensed and everything.
- Wow.

- Catalina. What a beautiful place.
- Have you been there?

Never, but when people talk
about Catalina, I always think,

"That sounds very nice. And
I'd like to go there some day."

Do you wanna come with us?
'Cause we need a witness.

Yeah, Terry was gonna, like,
provide somebody for us, but...

You're way better than
some weirdo stranger.

Bertie, do you wanna be our witness?

That would be incredible. Me?
Be your witness? How humbling.

Is it warm there? Should
I pack my swimmers?

I'm gonna pack 'em anyway.
This is very exciting! [SHOUTS]

Do you wanna tell anybody else?
You wanna call our parents or...

Is it okay if we don't?

It's just, with my dad,
it'll be this whole big thing

and my mom, uh, she won't be into it.

But I thought you and
your mom got along, right?

Oh, we do. Yeah, she's the best.

I just don't want her to bum me
out with her reasonable thoughts.

Right, right, right, right, right.

You think she's got a point, or
you think this is impulsive? Or...

She'd say I'm being impulsive,

but maybe being impulsive is
just me following my instincts.

I wanna listen to my
inner voice and act fast

before the little damaged
voices talk me out of it.

Hey, Gus, would you maybe
wanna bring a buddy along?

Oh, that could be fun! Like a
maid of honor, best man-type thing.

Yeah, sure, that's good.
I guess I'll ask Randy.

No. Don't. Um...

We broke up.

- Really?
- Whoa!

It was mutual, or that's
what I'm supposed to say.

Aw, that's...

too bad.

It was for the best, obviously.

Uh, I guess, then, um... I'll ask Chris?


Okay. Uh, well, I should probably
give you a little heads-up on that,

and that is Chris and I are...

Well, something's happening between us.

[GUS] Really?



Yeah. I mean, we have a very special
connection, and we always have,

so once Randy and I had split up,
that's when we took the next step.

But nothing happened
before that, or whatever.

Yeah, I'm psyched for you
two. That's awesome. Uh...

What a weird day. [CHUCKLES]

- What a big, weird day this is. Yeah.
- It's so weird. Yeah.

Well, why do we have to stop
there? We just invite everyone.

Send out a mass group
text and see who shows up.

Right. I mean, we're eloping. We
can do whatever the f*ck we want.

- That's the whole point.
- Yeah, all right.

Let's just get married
the way we want to.

If people come, that's
great. If they don't...

- They're d*ad to us forever.

"Psst! Gus and Mickey eloping."

I'm transcribing this.

- "If you wanna come to Catalina...
- Mm-hmm.

- ... join us."
- Yes.

- "No one's invited."
- Yeah.

"No one's not invited."

♪ I was born a unicorn ♪

♪ I missed the ark,
but I could've sworn ♪

♪ You'd wait for me ♪

♪ I was born a unicorn ♪

♪ I could've sworn
you believed in me ♪

♪ Then how come all the
other Unicorns are d*ad? ♪

[BERTIE] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. [GROANING]



Sorry, I'll keep it down.

Oh, no, it's all good.
I'm so happy right now.

Good, good. I'm very happy for you.

And it's nice we get to do some cool
shit before everyone trickles in.

Yeah, I love cool shit.

Wow! What a whirlwind, right?

You must be feeling, like, scared,

or do you feel like
this is a bit fast maybe?

Do you feel like it's a bit fast?

Honestly? Yes. Yeah,
this feels a little fast.

Just a little bit too fast.

Like, if the speed limit
was , you'd be going...

- .
- Or .

. Hovering around , maybe.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I just wanted to check
in to see if you're okay.

No, I appreciate it. I
understand why you'd ask.

I guess I just don't understand
how all this SLAA stuff works.

I mean, yeah, it's not ideal, but
I think since we're both aware...

Look at you and Chris.

You know, if the speed limit is
, you're on, like, a rocket ship.

I guess it's like a
chemical attraction thing.


Hey, so, uh, you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I mean, big time.


About this or the wedding?

- No, your wedding.
- Oh, my wedding! No! I feel great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, so good.

Dude, I'm so f*cking psyched
for you, man. You have no idea.

I'm psyched for me, too.

I just got this feeling of
excitement and relief and happiness.

Dude, those're the emotions you
want, man. That's the good shit.

- Yeah. Yeah, that's...

Hey, um...

Bertie and I had sex, um,

and it was while her and
Randy were still together.


We're just, you know, in the spirit
of being open and honest, you know,

I just... it's kinda
been weighing on me,

and I kinda wanna just, like,
you know, put it out there.

- It's kinda making me feel like shit.
- Oh, yeah, man. Don't worry. I'm...

I'm not gonna judge you or anything.

- Yeah?
- The heart wants what it wants. You know?

And we're just tapping
into all the world's love.

Actually, also, in college,
I had sex with this girl

who I later found out I was,
like, loosely related to. Um...

Like, not first cousin or anything,
but, like, in the ancestry.

- Oh, yeah, whatever. It's cool. Yeah.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES]



Okay! Here we go!

[MICKEY] So, you don't
think it's too fast?

- No, I think it's romantic.
- That's what I think.

You really wanna know if it's right,

my therapist had these three questions

about whether you should
get married or not.

Oh, three questions. What are they?

That's cool. It sounds
like a fairy tale.

- Okay, hit me.
- Okay.

Number one:

Do you have fun hanging out with
him when there's nothing else to do?


We're still finding things that
we have in common. It's great.

Right. There's still quite a
bit of fighting though, right?

Yeah, but I think that's
a byproduct of the passion

that we have for each other.

- Yeah, I get that. That makes sense.
- Yep. That's one perspective.

[SYD] Oh, my God. This
is f*cking beautiful.

[MICKEY] Yeah. Yeah, it is.

- So, what was the second question?
- Okay.

Number two and this is a big one:

Do you respect each other?

Not just, like, holding the
door open, but deep respect.

Oh, yeah, I mean, I respect him,

and I don't think I would've been
his favorite person two years ago,

but yes. Yeah.

So, that's a yes with an asterisk.

Okay, number three: You
don't have to answer this...

Do you have a good sex life?

Ha! Yeah, it's hard not to less
than a year in, so we'll see.

You never know. Jeff and I
have been married for years.

He still goes down
on me. Thank the Lord.

That's awesome.

Yes, that's a very exciting
update on Syd's marriage,

but Mickey, like you said,

it's very hard to tell on
the sex thing this early on.

Yeah, but it's unreal, so
I think we're gonna be fine.

There you go. That's
it. That's three yeses.

- Yes.
- Mmm.

Gus, I'm not saying don't do it.

All I'm saying is that
being a bachelor is, like,

the pinnacle of existence.

You know, I just... I
think I'm one of those guys

who's programmed to be in
a monogamous relationship.

- I'm not gonna miss my single days.
- If you say so.

I mean, this whole thing is a joke
anyway, right, Gus? It's a joke.

There's no way you guys are
getting married this soon.

No, we are. It's not a joke.

No, no, not like a joke-joke,
but like a prank, like a f*ck you,

like a performance
art piece or something.

Hey, Gus, imagine, you're single.

You come home from work,
you take off your socks,

throw 'em on the floor.

You take a crap. Maybe
forget to flush the toilet.

Toast a bagel. Put a
little butter on there.

Freedom's nice. I get
what you're saying, but...

Or maybe spread some cream
cheese on there. Do a bong hit.

Put on a Willie Nelson album.
Why not? It's your life.

You know, that might just be a
trade-off I'm willing to make.

Plus, you guys don't
know the alternative.

Are you kidding me? We got five
divorces between the two of us.

Loverboy's got two. I got the hat trick.

- Love is a b*ttlefield.

I really think it's funny, Gus.

Getting everyone on an island like this.

I'm really beginning to see it.

Not a prank, buddy.

Not a prank.

Wow! Mickey, you look...

- I mean, you look beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Inside and out. You know, I
like all of your sides, so...

I love all your sides, too.

- Stop looking at me. It's bad luck.
- What?

- Oh, shit. Sorry. I didn't even know.
- Goodbye.

- Are you Terry?
- I am.

- Hi. I recognized you from your website.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm Mickey, the bride.

Nice to meet you.

- Feels pretty weird to say that.

- You get used to it.
- Okay, cool.

So, um, I was thinking for the
ceremony, just move right through it.

- Got it.
- And I don't know about God stuff.

I'll have to ask Gus,
but I'm thinking no.

- Okay.
- And, um...

I just wanna say, I
think it's really funny,

and I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Neither do I. Shh!

- [WHISPERS] I'm the guy that gets it.
- Okay.

- Okay, Truman.
- Hmm.

Um, okay, so we wrote our own
vows. We're gonna deliver those.

Okay, great.

I kinda want the vibe to be Mamma
meets Elvira.

- I'll do my best.
- Okay, cool.


- No.

I love no.

Hey, what is it about
no you don't understand?

Right? All of it.

What the f*ck, Bertie? Chris?

Were you two hooking up when
me and you were together?

What? No, no, no.

Come on. I'm not dumb, okay?

We break up, and then
immediately afterwards you're cool

with just touching his hand
at a party with all my friends?

You're gonna regret this.

There'll come a time where I do
something, like, really important,

and I'm gonna become
super famous or super rich,

or both, and you're
gonna feel so f*cking dumb

when you have to tell people
that you broke up with me.

I really hope that's true, Randy.

It'll be true.

- Hey, what's up, guys?
- Hey.

Hey, everything cool?

Yeah, everything's cool with me.

Always has been. Always will be.

It's you guys who are gonna make today

extremely uncomfortable for everybody.

Uh... Randy, you wanna
maybe... We could take a walk,

you know, talk things over or something?

Yeah, take a walk and miss my
two best friends getting married?

No f*cking way, buddy. You know what?

You two are the jerks. I'm
not the jerk. You two are.

Oh, shit.

- Hey, question. I'm working on this toast.
- Mm-hmm.

I wanted to run it by you. We're
gonna have time for a toast, right?

Definitely. Yeah. If you want time
for a toast, we'll make some time.

Dope. I'm gonna tell a story

about how Mickey showed
up at work that time

when we were doing a table read,

and you guys started arguing
outside, and we were all watching it.

I got this video on my phone.

I might even show you guys
while I'm doing the toast.

- It was hilarious, man.
- Yeah, that's a funny story.

I... I think you might
wanna skip that one, though.

- All right, that's cut.
- Okay.

Okay. All right. What about
when you were house-sitting,

and I came over, and you
didn't even know I was there.

I was upstairs, and you
guys started arguing.

You guys were going at it, man. I
heard her throw something at you.

I was like, "Oh, my God.
She's gonna k*ll Gus."

I was so ready to be a
witness at your m*rder trial.

Actually, I don't even think
we'll have time for a toast,

now that I think about it.

I'm figuring out the time, and I'm like,

"We're not gonna have time for
a toast. Let's skip the toast."

- Okay. All right.
- No toast, okay?

Thanks, buddy.

- Toast to no toast.
- Yeah.

Man, that guy has not taken my
advice once. Mickey is batshit.

Yeah, everybody's batshit.

Mickey and Gus and Bertie and Chris.

Jury's out on you, Kevin.

Extra large OJ, please.

[GUS] Yeah, I feel good.
It's just, you know...

It's sort of a symphony
of different feelings.

- [BERTIE] Yeah, it's a big day.
- [GUS] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.


[GUS] One second. Excuse
me. Pardon me. Pardon me.

All right, beautiful people,

it's time to head down to the beach,

'cause we're gonna try and do
this before the sun goes down.

It's wedding time!

- Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

[RANDY] Uh, hold on, everyone.

Uh, I just wanna say something first.

No, no, no. Please, no. Please
don't do this now, please.

- Randy, you don't have to... It's okay.
- No.

- Let's just go to do the wedding.
- No, this won't be bad. It will be good.

I just wanna say, in front
of everybody gathered here,

that Bertie was right
in breaking up with me.

- Great.
- Okay, that's nice.

Nice. Thank you, Randy.

You deserve somebody better than me,
and Chris is a lot better than me.

We don't have to dance around it.

He's strong.

He can lift lots of stuff
and doesn't have a beard.

Doesn't live in his car. I mean,
he doesn't even believe in ghosts,

and I'm afraid of ghosts.

I'm not gonna stand in
the way of happiness,

because you deserve a
great guy just like Chris.

Just like Gus deserves
a great girl like Mickey,

and Mickey deserves
a great guy like Gus.

Was that it?

That's it. Uh, yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.

- That's very sweet, Randy. Thank you.
- Okay.

[MICKEY] All right.
Ahem. And on that note,

let's go get married.

Yeah, come on! It's
good. It's all right. Hey.

[TERRY] Mickey and Gus have
requested to share their vows.

Who wants to start?

- Ugh, fine. I'll bite the b*llet. Okay.

Uh, don't judge, guys. I
wrote these in, like, an hour.


"So, Gus, what's up?


My Gus-Gus.


From the moment you k*lled some
gross bugs for me in my bedroom,

- I knew you were the one.
- [MAN ] That's my chair!

- We saved these...
- [MAN ] Sorry.

- Ever since, I knew I could trust you...
- [MAN ] We put shirts on this chair!

- to keep me safe, make me feel loved.
- [MAN ] I didn't see them.

- [MAN ] Why would I lie about it?
- And I promise to believe in you...

[MAN ] You mayor of the beach?

- and support you...
- [MAN ] Sit in any chair you want?

[MAN ] I didn't see any shirt.

and always be the person
who's unafraid to love more.

- [MAN ] You steal my shirt?
- I prom... "

Is that what the f*ck's going on?

- [WOMAN] Babe, chill.
- [MAN ] I've been here three hours.

- f*ck you! We saved these for the sunset.
- Baby.

- [WOMAN] Stop!
- [MAN ] Don't touch me!

[MAN ] Get out of the chair! Get out!

Should we just, like,
wait a minute or...

- Stop! Quit it!
- [MAN ] Hey!

- [SIGHS] God damn it.
- It's okay. It's all right.

- [WOMAN] Stop!
- It's actually kinda funny.

We're gonna wait for these
assholes to work it out.

[WOMAN] Hey! Cut it out! Come on!

- Babe? Baby? Babe?

Something's not right. Call .

Medic, please! Somebody help! Baby?

- [ALLAN] What's happening?
- I don't know.

- A heart att*ck or something.
- Okay.

Jesus Christ. He looks half d*ad.

- Should we take a break or...
- I guess.

Guys, we're gonna take a
break. Like, a ten minute break.

- It'll be fine.
- [GUS] Yeah.

Called it. I knew it was a
joke. It's a prank. [LAUGHS]

I don't know. So, what do we do
now? Is that, like, a bad omen?

Definitely not a good
vibe for a wedding.

You can say it.

Should we just not do it?

Yes, I was thinking
the exact same thing.

I mean, the whole thing felt
just a little... I don't know...

- Rash. It felt f*cking rash.
- Yeah.

And we'll just tell them
we're gonna do it another time,

and they will not care because
they all came here to party.

- And they'll get to party. It's fine.
- Yeah.

So, what about us?
What do we say we are?

Are we engaged? Or no?

No, I don't think engaged,
but I think we're good.

I think we're, like, really good.

Yes, agreed.

I think this is the
healthiest, most mature thing...

you know, for you.
Definitely for me. For us.


That's perfect. You're perfect.

You're perfect.

Hey, what's up, you guys?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Good news. Remember the
guy who, like, hit the deck

and then was foaming from the mouth?

Yeah, he was very memorable.

Yeah, well... He's
gonna be okay, not d*ad.

- Oh, that is good news.
- Good, good.

Hey, listen, everybody, um...

We just felt like the timing
and the energy was off now, so...

we're not getting married today.

- [ALL] Aw.
- [ALLAN] Boo.

But, hey, not for any bad reasons.

We're still very much in love.

It's just we wanna, you know,
do the responsible thing.

Yeah, and please, we still
want you guys to stick around

and hang out and party,

so let's just call it the "We're
Trying to Grow As People" party.


♪ You and I ♪

♪ We might be strangers ♪

♪ However close we get sometimes ♪

♪ It's like we never met ♪

♪ But you and I ♪

♪ I think we can take it ♪

We are here today... tonight...

to witness the matrimony of Gus
Cruikshank and Mickey Dobbs...

♪ You and I ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Me and you ♪


♪ What can we do ♪

♪ Well, the words we use sometimes ♪

♪ Are misconstrued ♪

♪ Well, I won't guess ♪

♪ What's coming next ♪

♪ I can't ever tell ♪

♪ You're the deepest well
I've ever fallen into ♪

♪ Oh, I don't wanna know ♪

♪ Oh, I don't wanna know ♪

♪ Oh, I don't need to know ♪

♪ Everything about you ♪

♪ Oh, I don't wanna know ♪

♪ And you don't need to know ♪

♪ That much about me ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We might be strangers ♪

♪ However close we get sometimes ♪

♪ It's like we never met ♪

♪ But you and I ♪

♪ I think we can take it ♪
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