02x02 - Battle of the Basement

[bunniefuu]

♪

[bell dings]

Morning.

Morning, girls. Have a seat.

Hope you and my baby are ready

for some world-famous
Vernon Brown flapjacks.

Oh, you really, really shouldn't have.

Oh no, it was my pleasure.

Key to good flapjacks: a pinch of love

and excessive butter. [laughs]

Wow, you've exceeded my low expectations.

Oh, you're not the first
person to say that to me.

Oh, no, no, don't you even
think about it. I got it.

I can pour orange juice.
I'm pregnant, not crippled.

I'm man of the house now, and
that comes with certain duties.

You just set back and relax.

Charlotte, by the way, it's trash day.

And it looks like the
yard could use a mow.

Right. Yeah, I'll get right on that

right after I finish polishing
your Father of the Year trophy.

You do that.

Vernon, I'm happy that
you're excited that this baby

is potentially yours.

But remember, the jury's still out.

Well, I don't see any
other potential daddies

walking through the walk.

[door opens]

[dog barking]

♪

Uh!

You would not believe the
couple months I've had.

♪

♪ Still the King ♪

[sighs]

So there I was lost, stranded.

Hello?

Suffering from amnesia.

Who am I?

But luckily my superior survival
instincts kicked in immediately.

Help! Help!

Help!

So I set out to build shelter.

Build something to rest my weary bones.

I was starving, desperate for food.

Really?

To be honest, it looks like
you gained a few pounds.

Well, little known fact about Ronnie,

he's a master huntsmen.

[crash]

RONNIE: I waste nothing of my prey.

The breast of a blue
jay behind the sternum,

you can just scoop out... eat.

Why didn't you just swim to shore?

I mean, the lake isn't that big.

Amnesia, babe.

Forgot I could swim.

Anyway, seconds turn into minutes.

Minutes into hours.

Hours into weeks.

Weeks into months.

- Months...
- For God's sake, Ronnie,

just get to the part where
you got off the island.

RONNIE: Fine.

Old Ronnie didn't think
he was gonna make it.

He was down and out.

Having nothing to hold onto.

And that's when it happened.

Bright light sh**ting through the sky.

A flaming beacon came soaring
above like a phoenix guiding me.

It led me to the edge of the island.

To the edge of my sanity.

Anyway, when I got there,

everything just kinda came rushing back.

♪

[bell rings]

Ronnie's back!

I'm back, baby!

♪

I can't believe it.

In a way, you fulfilled my dying wishes.

It brought me back to life.

Not to nitpick or anything,

but you're supposed to
set that stuff on fire.

Too bad I missed.

So... what's new with you, babe?

[dogs barking]

So, you guys have a lot to catch up on.

I'd love to stay, but
I'm late for school.

Really glad you're okay, Ronnie.

Uh, I'm gonna go in the
kitchen and make some coffee

and maybe a coffeecake to go with it.

What was all that about?

I have no idea.

Let me go check on her.

♪

Walt...

anyone playing in here
is going to be too drunk

to notice if it's off
by a millimeter or two.

Respectfully, I would notice.

You might as well not
even have a pool table.

Suit yourself.

I'll buy you a beer when you're done.

Sweet.

[laughs] Science class is over.

Somebody get rid of all these toys.

Where's Kenny? Kenny, what are you doing?

I thought you were holding
this pool table for us.

No, I was.

He must have come in when
I went out for lattes.

Damn it, Kenny.

Secure the pool table
means secure the pool table.

It doesn't mean getting lattes.

But you're the one who told me...

Kenny, no... I hate
you so much right now.

Guys, please, like five
more minutes, I'll be done.

- Five more minutes.
- Kenny, sugar packet.

Lift it.

Lower it.

[machine beeps]

Well I'll be damned.

That's right.

I don't need fancy
mirrors and lasers, Walt.

I got the eyes of a golden eagle.

[high-pitched squealing]

Now b*at it.

It's a free country... allegedly.

I can do what I want.

I happen to have an
appointment right now,

which is just purely coincidence.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, we got it.

Kenny, rack 'em.

- What about my equipment?
- No worry,

we'll make sure Kaitlynn
gets it behind the bar.

To be clear, I'm leaving
of my own volition.

Uh-huh, get to your fake
appointment. We know.

- It's not a fake appointment.
- Oh yeah? Who's it with?

- Some doctors.
- Doctors? A bunch of doctors?

- Yeah, my tooth hurts.
- Uh-huh.

You probably need a
dentist, you "maroon."

[bell dings]

I can't believe we
actually skipped school.

I feel so free and dangerous.

Like "Orange is the New Black."

Okay, okay, okay, but I
can't skip fifth anymore.

Mr. Wallace is getting suspicious.

We'll have to be back for math.

I mean, if I skip anymore, I'm
literally gonna get suspended.

And my mom's gonna k*ll me.

- Okay.
- [crash]

Oh, so sorry. I'll... I'll...

Oh my God.

♪

Ooh, T.Rex.

A Glam Rock fan?

I mean, how can you say no to a man

in thigh highs and face paint?

Hey, did you know the actual
T.Rex couldn't play the guitar?

Tiny arms.

[laughs]

You know, I bet they were pretty
k*ller at the ukulele though.

Good one.

Oh, hello, Yoko.

Wow, how've you been?

If you're asking if I've recovered

from you breaking up my
band by dumping our drummer,

the answer is no.

You know they didn't break up?

I'm pretty sure they're touring
the West Coast right now.

What?

No, they're not.

Asher said we broke up.

I don't mean he lied me.
And why would he lie...

Oh God.

Oh Christ.

I'm out of the band.

I'm sorry, I thought they told you.

I have to make a phone call.

Yoko.

Mm, must have been a rough breakup.

I can be Yoko, too.

I was dating the lead singer.

Charlotte, who's our friend?

Oh, um... you know, that's
actually a good question.

I don't think I got your name.

Lloy Danderson.

Hi, Lloyd.

Uh no, It's actually Lloy Danderson.

Lloyd Anderson.

- Lloy...
- Danderson.

Exactly.

I feel like we're saying the same thing.

We're not.

Wow.

You think that's confusing,
my sister's name is Ann.

[laughs]

Hey, if you would like to
continue this conversation

of music and dinosaurs,
um, what do you say

we hit the bar down the
street and get a couple drinks?

- Yeah.
- Oh, we're actually ...

Sixteen minutes late to, uh,

college stuff and class.

And, um, you know, another time maybe?

Definitely, yeah.

Um, hey, can I get your number?

Excuse me, Charlotte.

Do you know how long they're out on tour?

I loaned them my van, so...

okay.

Just one more thing.

♪

[razor buzzing]

Come on, babe, hell's
bells, you gotta tell him.

I know, I know.

I'm just not sure how to do it.

It's like ripping on a Band-Aid

or pissing in public.

The faster you do it, the
better it goes every time.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay.

Just remember, I'm right behind you.

Thank you, Vernon.

That's a lot of hair.

What's left looks nice though.

I've been dreaming about two things.

Getting a greasy hamburger,

getting my kickass pompadour back.

I can make you a hamburger.

That's a really good idea.

No, hold on.

We all just ate an entire coffeecake.

There's no way anybody
could still be hungry.

Besides, I think there's
something you should

get off your chest.

Something you wanna tell me?

♪

I can't think of anything offhand.

Um... maybe something that concerns

a certain someone

who will go unnamed until

we think of a name for it.

It's not an it, it's a baby.

Who's having a baby?

I am, Ronnie.

- I'm pregnant.
- [razor shuts off]

I'm gonna be a dad?

I'm gonna be the best dad ever.

Or maybe stepdad.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy, huh?

You must have been so scared

when I was out there in the wilderness.

You'd have to raise the baby alone.

Well, maybe not alone.

- Vernon?
- What?

Is something wrong with my baby?

The baby might be Vernon's.

♪

DEBBIE: Ronnie, come on.

VERNON: How long is this gonna last?

DEBBIE: You're certainly not helping.

He's laying on the damn remote.

Ronnie, come on, alright.

Just say something.

I know this is hard, just...

Okay.

I've had the entire commercial break

to think about it.

[dog barking]

And I'm cool with what happened.

I know you thought I was dead,

and he preyed on your vulnerable state.

Um... actually, it happened
before you went missing.

What? Don't tell me

you defiled our common
law bed with this seductor.

I would never defile your common law bed.

It all happened on a really cool boat.

Oh my God!

Why?

A really cool boat.

- DEBBIE: Vernon.
- A fast, cool boat.

I gotta know the details.
Tell me everything.

Well, just think "Debbie Does Dallas"

meets "Jaws" meets...

Ronnie, listen, alright,
we were just... we were

- really really drunk, okay...
- No! No!

The details about the boat!

Was it inboard motor, outboard motor?

- Twenty footer, twenty-four...
- What does it even matter?

'Cause you're a bad girlfriend.

Well, you're a butthole.

You see, you care more
about your boats and karates

than you do about being there for me.

Well, I'm here now for the baby!

Oh great.

But I'm moving... into the basement.

Perfect.

Uh-oh, problem.

Technically, you said I
could live in the basement.

What?

You two are so disgusting,

I can't even look at you right now.

Alright, you know what?
I'm calling my doctor

and seeing if she can get me into today

and do a paternity test or something.

Listen up, muchacho.

Time for you to make like
one of my shirts and takeoff.

As long as I may be the
potential father of this child,

I'm sticking around like brown on rice.

I guess we're just gonna
have to agree to disagree.

'Cause I want you to
know that I agree with me.

And I'm staying in the basement.

I say whoever the doctor
says the real father is

gets to stay.

And whoever the fake
father is... aka you...

has to move out.

In the meantime, I'm
gonna be in my basement.

♪

Am I going the right way?

Keep going. It's far.

[loud crash]

That dumb son of a bitch.

WALT: Hey, Dale.

This looks good.

Place looks great, man.

Thank you, thank you.

WALT: Had another run-n
with Reggie and them today.

Bunch of bull...

I don't know what to do.
They keep harassing me.

It's like I can't go
anywhere, and they show up.

When confronted by an opponent,

one must conquer them with love.

Yeah, it sounds great but
does it actually work though?

Are you calling Gandhi a liar?

No, I'm just saying
like I'm not sure that

Reggie and them are
gonna respond to love.

And I'm not sure I wanna
activate that emotion

when I'm around them in the first place.

Well, I'm sure you'll
figure something out.

Ooh. Are those dumplings?

Yeah.

- Come on, hit me, come on.
- Dale.

DALE: Come on, right here, right here.

You know this makes me uncomfortable.

Just one.

[sighs]

That's what I'm talking
about. Here. Right here.

♪

- NURSE: Hi there.
- Hi.

What's the reason for today's visit?

- Um, I...
- Yes, Ma'am,

I have this massive pain in my ass,

and I'd love to have him removed.

[laughs] I'm staying in that ass.

Eew.

[whispers] Actually, I'm
here about a paternity test.

Sorry, what was that?

[whispers] I'm here to
take a paternity test.

I'm sorry, miss, I still can't hear you.

She wants to know which
one of us knocked her up.

Lucky you.

Take a seat and fill this out.

Wow, that's definitely my boy.

That's a leg, Mr. Brown.

Based on the measurements
of the ultrasound,

the child is between and weeks.

The genitals are not fully formed yet.

Maybe it's yours after all.

Is there no way we can
just narrow that window down

a little bit?

Geriatric pregnancy is too
risky for a paternity test.

Can you use a nicer term?

You're far more likely to
have a low-weight birth,

even chromosome abnormalities.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you
mean like superpowers?

Like my kid's gonna be a mutant?

Like the cool comic book kind?

You'd be amazed at how
often I get that question.

If this baby has chromosome problems,

it's definitely yours.

Perhaps you two could
take a fertility test.

- I like that.
- It only takes a few minutes.

There's no way anybody's taking my blood.

It's not a blood test, sir.

[indistinct whispering]

Wait, but how do they collect the...

[indistinct whispering]

Aaah.

Alright, I can get into that.

If you two will follow me, please.

♪

No cheating, Haus. I'm watching you.

That's a really weird
thing to say to somebody

under these circumstances.
You know that, right?

♪

Uh, nurse, have you got any visual aids,

if you know what I mean?

We have adult magazines, yes.

You mean like "The New Yorker"?

Uh, excuse me, nurse,

but my "carpet" tunnel
syndrome has flared up.

I was kinda wondering
if you might give me

a little hand in there?

- Sure.
- Hey, Nurse Beasley!

Mr. Brown could use a hand in room four.

[glove snaps]

Actually, I just
remembered, I got two hands.

So, um, I'm ambidextrous.

I should be fine.

Uh, I appreciate it though, thank you.

These guys.

[knocking at door] Coming in.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you started.

All done.

I'll be taking that still though.

Mm.

I didn't think that was
gonna go in, but then it did.

How can somebody so
dumb be so good at pool?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm one of them idiot geniuses.

You're so stupid you don't even realize

you're making fun of yourself.

Oh, maybe that's the genius part.

Boys.

Little peace offering.

Thought I told you to get lost.

Looks like you know
exactly where you are.

Look, I know we've had our
differences in the past,

but I thought maybe we could
all try to live together

cohesively like tribal people.

Hey, Kenny, check the log book.

When's the last time we
lived cohesively with someone?

Well, I don't think that's
the kind of stats that we...

Damn it, Kenny, I was
being rhetorical. Dang!

Let's take this outside!

Let's go!

Hey, yo, guys!

You can't take alcohol
outside the premises.

Come on.

Come on, chuggy chuggy.

BOTH: [gulping]

[burps] Sorry.

Okay. Okay.

Good luck with your society.

Find a woman.

♪

Look, guys, I don't
wanna resort to v*olence.

Oh, look out, boys, he's
gonna resort to v*olence.

Kenny, just leave the
mockery to me, okay?

Besides, your comebacks are childish.

It lacks subtlety.

[clears throat]

Alright, butt face, time
to teach you a lesson.

[growls]

Hey, guys...

mine leaving my buddy alone?

What's this, Walt?

You can't fight your own fights?

You need to be saved by this freak show?

No, really, leave my buddy alone.

Why don't you take a hike, fake...

It's nice. Is that a wool blend?

That's cute.

[crush]

♪

Kenny!

Leave him! He's already dead!

He resorted to v*olence!

Guys!

That was incredible!

KENNY: It's in my eyes!

Grab me a glass of water!

Yeah, I got a fertility
test a couple of years ago.

The doctor looked me
right in the eye and said,

"Mitch, you're barren."

Cynthia on the hand has experienced

Immaculate Conception like three times.

Looking back on it now, I
think she was cheating on me.

Nah. So, Doily,

sounds like she's still pining for you.

Does sound like that, doesn't it?

Oh, so sad.

- Showtime!
- Hey!

How did it shake out, boys?

You got the results?

Yes, I do.

Let's just remember the deal.

Loser has to move out
of the basement, pal.

Oh, I remember.

Ladies first.

Ha!

My sperm are swimming like Michael Phelps

going for his th
gold medal down in Rio.

- Whoo, whoo.
- [laughs]

Ronnie?

Who wants to get pregnant?

Uh, nobody.

I call top bunk.

There's no way you're getting top bunk.

Ronnie, Vernon, sit down!

Okay, look, one of you is
the father of this baby.

But apparently we're not
gonna know who anytime soon.

So I'm okay with both of
you living at my house.

But not if you're gonna just
continue to taunt each other

like... like those stupid
fake wrestlers you love.

- That's not fake.
- I thought it was real.

Whatever, this isn't a contest, alright?

And the fighting isn't
good for me or the baby.

So either get along or get out.

It's up to y'all.

Eee-ee-eee.

♪

We need to pull it together

for Deb, the baby.

I call truce.

- It doesn't mean I like you.
- Ditto.

- Good.
- Great.

I never washed my hands at the clinic.

[groans] Thanks, Mom.

Well, it looks like
things are gonna be weird

for a few more months.

I kinda like the chaos. I'm proud of you.

Hey, kids. Do you mind if join you?

Ronnie and I have discussed it,

and we've decided to bury the hatchet.

Thank you.

For now, hombre.

Bury the hatchet in your ass.

Hey, is it too late to call
dips on being the godfather?

I'm not sure that's dips-able.

I'd like to make a toast.

To Debbie...

A strong woman, good mother,

and the glue that holds
this family together.

To family!

To family!

To my family!

Amigo.

Uh, son of a...

Not on the homework.

My bad.