02x03 - Men and Work

[bunniefuu]

VERNON: Previously on "Still the King"...

I just wanna get back
to the real me, my music.

- Charlotte.
- Val, how'd you been?

If you're asking if
I've recovered from you

breaking up my band, the answer is no.

What do you say we hit
the bar down the street,

get a couple drinks?

Another time maybe.

My-tre-ita.

An upside down pineapple
is a sign of a swinger.

Yes, I'm the champion of boats!

You took your hand off.

No, I'm the winner!

PMS: paranormal men's society.

- We're kicking you out, Walt.
- Why?

You're making us all look crazy.

♪

[changing radio stations]

♪

[brakes squeal]

♪

[expl*si*n]

Extremely bright light tracked
to southwest over... whoa!

Object appears to be
hovering over the wheat field.

♪

Crop circle.

Approximately by .

Shape is circular.

Possible [unintelligible] sequences.

Wind velocity to zero
to... three miles per hour.

Temperature is cold, frigid.

- [grass stirs]
- [gasps]

[unintelligible] figure,
temperament unknown.

Approximately five feet tall. Hey!

Hey!

Oh.

Hey!

Damn it!

I've had a close encounter.

What's this?

♪

[rooster crows]

♪

Did you get 'em?

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

RONNIE AND VERN: [cheering]

This is so stupid.

Stupid?

You know the hours we put in
to become skilled whips men?

We?

Ronnie, you couldn't even
whip the side of a barn?

Oooh. Ooh.

Oooh, challenge accepted.

- [whip snaps]
- [crash]

[laughing]

What now?

Hey, hey, what's going on?

She made me do it.

I merely suggested, okay Big difference.

I told him it was a
bad idea from the start.

Then why are you doing it too?

Wasn't gonna let
son of a bitch out-whip me.

- [whip snaps]
- [screams]

Guys, guys, maybe it's
time you two started

thinking about getting back to work.

I got lots of song ideas
floating around the cabeza, hey.

Hey, I could relaunch
"Onboard with Ronnie."

Ronnie, I'm talking about a
real job that pays real money.

Real job?

You know, I don't like cling startch,

but my God, this is getting ridiculous.

Which is why both of
you potential fathers

need to start contributing
to the household.

If that's what it takes
to prove my devotion,

- I'll do it.
- You know, Ronnie,

with your whip fishing
skills, you can maybe go pro.

Oh, you think?

Charlotte, it might help
if you didn't egg him on.

Guess we'll never know.

[phone beeps]

Anyway, I hit that
thing pretty damn square.

[laughs] You hit it solid, too, man.

[phone beeps]

Damn it.

- What's wrong?
- Hold on, I gotta call Mabel.

♪

I feel like I've broken that lamp before.

♪

Still haven't heard that guitar strum.

I know, you're right about that.

I'm getting ready to.

It's just, uh... I've been working
on trying to be a better man.

I'm trying to do the right thing by you.

Why don't you play here, dumbass?

Don't you think that's
a little beneath me?

Vern, it's important you
just gotta get back out there.

Hey, Kaitlynn, you wanna give
a former platinum-selling artist

- a gig here?
- No, thank you.

Let me talk to her.

[sighs]

- My boy, my boy.
- Say, Big E.

The good book says,

"If any man provide not
for those of his own house,

he has to night own faith."

The woman-th say-th she doesn't want me

"to have-th thy gig."

When have you ever
taken no for answer, son?

By the way...

You need to cut back
on your day drinking.

♪

Hey, Kait.

Hang on a second.

What if me and my band
could pack this place out

one night a week, and we split the door?

Probably get some folks in here.

He used to be pretty good.

Fine.

I'll give you Tuesdays.

Perfect. What's today?

Tuesday.

Is that a problem?

No, I don't have no problem.

Thanks for vouching for me. I owe you.

No, you don't owe me.

About this band.

What about it?

Technically, I don't have one.

[whispers] Vernon.

Hey, Big Mike!

Vernon Brown here.

Get the band together tonight
for a gig here in Nashville.

Of course you were
the first guy I called.

- Thought maybe...
- [dial tone sounds]

Hello? Hello?

Yo, Travis, how 'bout you, big dog?

Do what?

Uh, I'm pretty sure that's
anatomically impossible.

Hey, Pete, Vernon Brown here.

I did not!

Riggs, you four-fingered
son of a bitch, how you been?

Oh, sorry to hear that.

She was a great lady.

Yep, well, listen,
enough small talk, hey,

we're getting the band
back together tonight

for a gig in Nashville.

And of course you were
the first one I called.

You're in?

Alright, great!

Yeah, eight o'clock.

We'll be here.

Alright.

- ALL: [cheering]
- Good ol' Riggs, man.

One down and... three to go.

Then she says she wants
me to start paying rent.

I mean, we've been living
together for like six years.

Certainly that makes me a
common law owner or something.

All I asked is if you had
any mailroom experience.

What is up with this tiny couch?

[groans] Cramp in my hammies.

Okay, well, um, thanks
for coming in, Ronnie.

I guess we'll call you if you, um...

Well, well, well, who do we have here?

Sorry, Mr. Fischer.

Um, Ronnie here came in
about the mailroom position,

but he's not a good fit.

Well, he looks pretty fit to me.

[laughs]

Have you had any experience

handling mail, Ronnie?

Either spelling.

Yeah, I've been handling
mail my whole life.

Gotten some mail, opened most of it,

sent some of it back.

Of course you have.

You know, Ronnie,

I can see myself in you.

- Oh, sir...
- Sssh.

Welcome to Coy Stable, Ronnie.

Saddle 'em up!

Hee-ay!

I got a job?

Is this it?

Come on.

- [knocking at door]
- [siren wailing]

You cops?

No.

Damn.

Someone stole my roller
blades of my van, so...

Whatever. Come in.

Should we go? No, we gotta go.

- We gotta go.
- No, come on in.

Alright, welcome to the Palace De Mark.

We got Che-Che over here
chilling with that snake.

Say hello.

We got Tugboat hanging out on the couch

next to Old-Ass Helen.

- What's up?
- [monkey screeching]

Okay, if you're here about those ferrets,

sorry about that, but
they're already spoken for.

No thanks.

Is that a monkey?

What? A monk...

[monkey screeching]

Dang, you might be right.

Tugboat, you been lying to me?

Tugboat, you know you
shouldn't knock that down.

- Tugboat.
- [monkey screeching]

Sorry about that.

- Is that your grandmother?
- Grandmother?

No, Helen's a client, yo.

I run a hospice on the side. What's up?

Sorry, adult daycare.

[laughs]

Hey, your parents,
grandparents, whatever.

We need IDs.

Alright, okay, come this way.

We're talking about
green cards, passports,

Latin American extended stay visas?

Um, no, no, none of that.

Uh, we just need normal
IDs that say we're

within the next two hours.

Got it.

And you're willing to
do whatever it takes

to get these IDs, huh?

We have bucks.

♪

That'll do. Yeah, okay, bucks.

Alright, let me see what we got here.

We got Ohio, no thanks.

Georgia.

Hawaii. No, too exotic.

You look like Montana.

Here we go. Okay.

Uh, there's nothing on this.

Yeah, I put in Photoshop. [laughs]

Couldn't you just add
the photo in Photoshop?

Add the photo in Photosh...

Oh, wow! Yes!

Yes, I can do that!

I can definitely do that.

You get a discount.

That's a timesaver. What's up?

Alright, smile. Not like real smile.

Smile like you hate your job.

There you go.

Alright, now keep your eye
out for a goofy looking fella

about yeah tall, probably
dressed kinda weird.

Oh, that's gotta be him.

Hey, Charlotte's dad.

Oh my God, man, I ain't
seen pants that tight

since Aunt Dolly ripped the
ass-end out of her drawers

stepping up to get on the holy roller

at the county fair.

What can I do? I'm a sl*ve to fashion.

Anyway, listen, I'm in
need of a keyboard player.

And Charlotte said you may know one.

I'm in.

I'm totally in.

Well, the gig's tonight.

Okay, okay.

Um, hey, Chet, I'm going to
need to tender my resignation

effective immediately.

And I hope this doesn't
affect our friendship.

Are you sure about this, man?

Hey, hold on, Haus,
it's just a one-off gig,

kind of a trial run,
so don't push your...

Oh, okay.

Hey, Chet, listen.

About that resignation, um, I'm
going to need to rescind that

and maybe get you to cover
my shift tonight instead?

Dude, you're the manager.

You can do whatever the hell you want.

[laughing] I'll get my stuff.

[bell rings]

♪

VERN: Okay, I guess we'll
see you later then, Walt.

Anyway, man, we got about two hours

- to get this band together, okay?
- Okay.

I got you on the keys.

Got the finest guitar
player in all of Tennessee.

Awesome.

All I need to do is find
my old drummer Mo Moony.

- Mo Moony?
- Mo Moony.

It ain't gonna be easy
to find him either.

Last I heard, he was
dating this little gal...

Found him! Let's ride!

Are you [bleep] me?

[church bell tolls]

So what do you think?

Real nice work, Mo.

Yeah, my headstone carving business

has really taken off.

But I'm happy to gig with
you guys nights and weekends.

Sounds like we're in business.

Now all we need's a bass player.

You happen to know where Rick is?

He was always a standup guy.

Rick? Yeah.

Rick's dead.

♪

Well, got a real nice tombstone.

I got a bass player we can use.

Follow me.

♪

Come on, guys.

♪

She'll do.

You don't wanna hear her play?

- [guitar tunes]
- Unnecessary.

- We're good.
- Yeah.

♪

[phone ringing]

Welcome to Universal Security.

What can I help you with? Deposit?

Nice try.

Like I'd put my money in
a corrupt banking system

founded in secret by politicians
and Wall Street thieves

to perpetuate their
self-serving interests.

You mean the Federal Reserve?

Exactly.

Neither federal nor a reserve.

Well, is there something
else I can help you with?

Yeah.

What can you tell me about this?

LEIA: Where did you get that?

- This is yours?
- Yeah.

Was that you last night?

Why did you run?

Why were you wearing a welding mask?

Because of the protective
qualities of variable density

polarized glass.

Oh, of course.

Crop circles are known
to emit high levels of...

BOTH: ...electromagnetic radiation.

♪

Exactly.

Maybe you and I should
get coffee and talk.

I'd like that.

So I found your equations
intriguing, so I...

filled 'em in for you,
because you had left

before finishing your measurements here.

Thanks.

This is the eighth crop
circle to appear in the area

in the last three years.

I'm fairly new to crop circles.

I'm trying to figure out the pattern.

Well, listen, I really wanna
finish this conversation.

But my break's almost over.

Yeah.

Uh, well, uh...

later tonight, if you're free,

some of my friends
are playing at Betty's.

It should be interesting.

That sounds fun.

I'll try and make it.

[clears throat]

Leia, you're not supposed
to leave your window

without flipping your closed sign.

Can you just flip it, Terry?

I'm trying to have a conversation here.

♪

Protocol states that

you flip your own sign
when you leave your window.

Uh.

Sure.

A little reading material.

You could probably get back on that deal.

Well, well, well, look who it is.

Vance, what a surprise.

Vance.

Morning, Coy.

- Ronnie.
- Good morning, Coy.

- [bell rings]
- How dare you call that

titan of industry by his Christian name?

Coy? He hired me.

He says I show great promise
and have a strong torso.

Look, why don't you do
what you were hired to do...

and clean up after me.

Whoops.

- Is that a...
- Oh God!

Shut up! Look at what
you made me do, you moron.

I'll be at the genuis club.
Somebody watch my phone!

MAN: Pick up that phone!

VANCE: Does anybody have a bag of rice?

- MAN: Hey, get that.
- [phone ringing]

[grunting]

Yello?

Yes, I can help you
with your investments.

Yes.

Yes, we take checks.

You think he'll make it?

Oh, he'll be here.

We got a history together.

Remember that night in
Arkansas with Riggs, Mo?

Yeah. The night

you slept with his girl
and wrecked his car?

I still can't believe he ever forgave me.

I'm just spit-balling,
Vern, but do you think maybe

him not showing up is his
way of getting back at you?

That would explain these
cryptic text messages.

"Payback is a bitch."

Then you wrote, "Sure is. See you soon."

Dios mio.

So much for a guitar player.

What do we do know?

The changes of us finding
a decent guitar player

in the next ten minutes
that I haven't screwed over

in some form, shape, or fashion,

it just ain't gonna happen.

Walt, could you hold it down over there?

I'm trying to think.

♪

What?

♪

Boss, you wanted to see me?

Hey, come in and lock the door.

I'm joking, of course.

There's no lock on the door.

- It swings both ways.
- Oh.

- Sit down.
- Cool.

So the scuttlebutt is that you
answered a phone call today,

and you landed a big fish.

Uh, yeah, that, um... I was

kinda caught off guard

with that, so I kinda promised
that guy that if he invested

one of our funds that we could

double his money in three months.

I figured we could take the
money from other investors

to pay him, and then
he'll tell his friends,

and then they'll invest.

Then no one will really know
where the money comes from.

- Mm.
- Is that bad?

Normally, I'd say yes.

But Coy loves a man with initiative.

You know, Ronnie, with my
help, you might just have

what it takes to make it...

in this business.

Wanna make it with me, Ronnie?

What's it pay?

♪

Oh yeah!

Come on!

♪

♪ Bellbottoms were really cool ♪

♪ Cutting class and skipping school ♪

♪ I remember packing
that ol' fishing pole ♪

♪ Skinny-dipping at a swimming hole ♪

♪ Back lights, red lights
and strobe lights too ♪

♪ Were all the rage for me and you ♪

♪ Only one thing I
miss more than that ♪

♪ I want my mullet back ♪

♪ I want my mullet back ♪

♪ My old Camaro, and my eight-track ♪

♪ Fuzzy dice hanging
loose and proud ♪

♪ ZZ Top, they're playing loud ♪

♪ A simple time, that's what I miss ♪

♪ Your miniskirt
and your sweet kiss ♪

♪ Things are changing,
man, and that's a fact ♪

♪ I want my mullet back ♪

♪

[crowd cheering]

- That was fun.
- That was fun.

Two hundred bucks.

Thank you very much.

Not bad, not bad.

Then half of the bar.

Thirty bucks for wait-staff and kitchen,

leaves a total of bucks.

Minus that $ bar tab you rung up.

Leaves a total of... five bucks.

Alright! Look at that!

Vernon Brown getting paid!

I told you'd be back on top.

Told you.

Gracias.

Wow, thanks.

Federal coupon.

Thatta boy, good job.

A working man.

Slightly above rock bottom, I guess.

- Hey, Leia.
- Hey.

- Reggie.
- Great show.

Thanks.

I didn't know you knew each other.

Yeah, this is my girl.

We do things... together.

- In private.
- I get it.

I don't take my hat off, though.

- I don't like to do that.
- WALT: Okay.

I guess that means you're in PMS?

Yes, someone insists that it's
the paranormal men's society.

Babe, we've gone over
this. It's in the charter.

It's out of my hands, okay?

It's a men's society.

I, actually, have a group of my own.

And we are currently accepting
members of all genders

called Ultra Terrestrial Investigations.

UTI?

You can't invite my girlfriend
to join your dumb group.

Well, he just did.

You just let me know when
the next meeting is, Walt.

I will.

Probably pretty soon.

You watch yourself,
'cause I'm watching you.

So you're gonna like be looking at me

while I'm looking in the mirror?

That hurts my head. I
gotta... I can't right now.

I'm proud of you, Vern.

That one's on me.

What's that look for?

Just played a great
show with my new band.

You just gave me a free
beer, and you're proud of me.

Who's rich now?

I have to say, you surprised me today.

What?

With my ripping guitar solos?

[laughs] Those were good.

But I meant with your determination.

You know, you really came through today.

I think you found your start.

The beer's free, but you still gotta tip.