02x05 - Showcase showdown

[bunniefuu]

VERNON: Previously on "Still the King"...

Crop circles are known
to emit high levels of...

BOTH: ...electromagnetic radiation.

I have a group of my own.

We are currently accepting
members of all genders.

You can't invite my girlfriend
to join your dumb group.

- He just did.
- You watch yourself.

I'm trying to do the right thing by you.

I made this whole mess.

My career, missing out on
my little girl growing up.

Now, I just wanna get back
to the real me, my music.

Well, you potential fathers need to start

contributing to the household.

I got a job.

I'm king stallion around these parts.

Well, maybe there's a new deputy in town.

[chanting] UTI, UTI, UTI.

WALT: Hear ye, hear ye,

we are here in recognition
of the undiscovered.

Let no person be here

unless they're here
of their own free will.

Do you, Leia Fityous,

vow to seek out the unknown?

I do.

And if the unknown becomes the known,

do you vow to seek out

an entirely different and
unrelated, unknown thing?

Sure.

Well then, I hereby welcome you

to the brotherhood of

the... sisterhood.

Sibling... sibling hood.

Sibling hood?

Moving on.

I, Walter Baines Murray,

hereby welcome you to
the founding chapter

of Ultra Terrestrial Investigations,

henceforth knowns as UTI...

What?

- Damn it, Terry.
- Come on, man.

Cool if I eat my bologna sando in here?

I gotta go. I should get back to work.

♪

Enjoy that sandwich.

♪

[smoke detector sounds]

♪ Still the King ♪

So, Ronnie, is there anything
you wanna say to me today?

Um... you look

beautiful.

Thank you.

But is there anything more
today specific you wanna say?

You look beautiful today.

Whoo!

It's a really special day.

Oh, thank you.

I was lying in bed last
night and had an epiphany.

Oh my God, you better
wash your sheets, Vernon.

Ever since I got my old song book back,

it's like the lights came on.

I need to go somewhere and
play my music for people

that care about the songs.

Is there anything about me
today that you wanna say?

You... look beautiful.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Um, I am headed off to school.

I love you.

And?

I respect you as a person.

Bye, Dad.

- Stay out of trouble.
- You, too.

Nope.

Well, anyway, I better
hit the bricks, too.

Gotta strike while the iron's hot.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh yeah, my iron's
pretty hot, too, you know?

Uh, probably so hot it'd
burn my shirt right off me

before it even got the wrinkles out.

It's the wrong kind of iron, dumbass.

Oh thank you, sir.

I wasn't getting that for you.

I can't believe it.

They forgot my [bleep] birthday.

♪

Hey, hey.

Whoo, listen up.

I bet you all are wondering
why I called you here today.

To pay us for last week's gig?

Nope.

This band has been playing
like a motorcycle orchestra

with a ZZ Top backbone
and Springsteen attitude.

He's right. We've been kicking ass.

But what good is it if the songs kick ass

if the right ears
aren't there to hear 'em?

So tonight we're playing a showcase

at the world-famous Bluebird Café.

ALL: [cheering]

That's huge, Vernon.

It's like we're on that
TV show "Nashville."

I'd totally be Will Lexington.

Who'd you be, Mo?

Uh, let's see.

I'd be someone on one
of the very few TV shows

that features a black character.

Uh, hey, Vernon. Can I
talk to you for a second?

Sure.

It's nearly impossible to get a
showcase at the Bluebird Café,

especially last minute.

What's going on?

Son, I was a multiplatinum
recording artist.

And I haven't booked it yet.

Minor technicality.

Seems like a major technicality.

Now come on, do you trust me?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that
was a rhetorical question.

Carry on! Eyes on Coy!

[crowd cheering]

Sales have been a little limp this month.

[crowd groaning]

But in order to perk things up a bit,

I've decided to add a cherry

on top of your commishes.

[crowd cheering]

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

I give to you...

the Aquarius waterpik

troph.

That is the Cadillac
latte waterpik, boys.

Get your mouths ready.

All you need to do...

is move the most shares

in our newest investment...

Trident Marina Incorporated.

[crowd cheering]

Listen up.

I don't know what a waterpik is.

I don't even know what a waterpik does.

But I do know one thing.

Tonight, I'm gonna be
waterpik-ing something

with my brand-new waterpik.

Oh, Vance, the only
thing you'll be picking

is your job off the floor
after I win that damn thing.

You better watch your mouth, Ronnie.

'Cause I am.

[indistinct chatter]

- [phone ringing]
- Go for Vance.

Are you alright, man?

Get back to work!

♪

Excuse me, are you the manager?

Yeah, did you figure
that out all by yourself?

A little bit psychic.

And your nametag says manager on it.

What can I do for you, bro?

Well, uh...

I'm sure you recognize who I am.

Vernon Brown.

- Nope.
- Burnin' Vernon.

Still no.

The Burnin' Vernon.

You know, adding a definite article

in front of your nickname's
really not helping me here.

Alright, Hoss, let me help you out here.

I had a huge monster hit
back in the early ' s.

Ring any bells?

You're the guy with the mullet.

Yeah.

Now you're talking.

Kentucky Waterfalls, Missouri Compromise,

Tennessee Top Hat.

Anyway, I'm not here about my hair.

Uh, I got a k*ller
new band, k*ller tunes.

And we wanna debut our songs here.

Uh... sure.

What you're gonna wanna do is,

uh, go ahead and call up the office.

They will set you up with an audition.

And then if you do well
there, I'll book you a slot

as soon as one opens up,
which basically never happens.

That's not gonna work for me, Todd.

I mean, I already promised my band

we're playing here tonight.

You promised them?

Uh, what am I thinking?

What am I thinking?

Damn.

You know what I'm thinking?

That's a bummer.

You'll wait your turn
like everybody else.

Care if I use your restroom before I go?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Alright.

It's the one with the
nametag bathroom on it.

Alright, thank you.

- [zipper zips]
- [toilet flushes]

VERNON: [sighs]

You know, normally,
I wouldn't say this...

but you need to drop the soap, man.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Not really.

[toilet flushes]

You hear that sound?

That's the sound of your
career going down the toilet.

Drop the soap, dumbass.

Drop the soap.

- Hey, Doily.
- DOILY: Hey, buddy, what's up?

Hey, man, I could use
a little help right now.

You busy?

You know where the Bluebird is?

♪

I thought the old man day drinkers

were a pain in the ass.

These new Nashville hipsters

want everything small batch and muddle.

Geesh, it takes like an
hour to make a damn drink.

[laughing]

Thanks for cheering me up.

And you're the only one
who remembered my birthday.

Today is your birthday.

- DEBBIE: It's fine.
- No, it's not.

I'm gonna fix this right now.

Excuse me, hello.

It is my best friend's birthday.

I'm actually cut, so if you could just...

♪

I'm gonna need everybody to calm down!

Chief Health Inspector Mitchell Doily!

- I gotta talk to the manager!
- Excuse me!

- Get up, Tubby.
- Sir, I'm the manager here.

Could you bring it down a little bit?

You're the manager? Uh, uh, uh.

Okay, yeah. I got a problem.

I got a call from downtown
saying that this establishment

is in flagrant violation

of Tennessee health code ,

which states that every
food service establishment

must require all employees
to wash their hands

after using the bathroom.

We had a soap dispenser
get ripped off the wall.

This place is getting
shut down for two weeks

while we run a thorough investigation.

Is there maybe someone
else that I can talk to

to straighten this whole thing out?

Are you trying to bribe
me? Whoa, I just saw that.

I am in no way trying to bribe you, sir.

Well, wait a second.

Is that Burnin' Vernon Brown?

"Billboard" magazine's
hottest newcomer of the year?

Yeah.

I've always wanted to
see that legend play live.

Tell you what we can do.

If you could make that
dream come true for me,

I think I could overlook
this minor infraction.

So it's a shakedown?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, you know?

Fine.

You know what? Fine, okay.

But you two have to be
alright with the fact

that you're robbing a young,
talented, deserving artist

of their rightful spot up on that stage.

Are you okay with that?

Yep. I'm good with it.

See ya tonight, amigo.

♪

Here's your traveler's checks.

Enjoy your trip.

The patches came in.

Uhhhhh!

Thank you. Uh, it's so cool.

I don't have much real
estate left on my jean jacket,

but you don't actually
wear these, do you?

Sometimes. Uh, it's fine.

Listen, if you don't have
plans tonight, we're gonna play

the Bluebird Café at like o'clock.

Oh, dang.

Reggie's taking me on a date.

We're going to Shrimps and Such.

Alright, well, that's cool.

Next time.

- I'll see ya at the meeting.
- Yeah.

I promise, I'll come to your next gig.

- Alright, cool.
- LEIA: Yeah, I promise.

- Alright, see ya later.
- LEIA: Okay.

On your marks!

Get set!

- Go!
- [cowbell ringing]

♪

Sale!

♪

Okay, Ronnie!

Go, go!

[banging]

Remember the prize!

Keep the prize in your mind!

[indistinct yelling]

Br-r-r-r-r-r-r.

I'm coming for you! Ha-ha!

Little piece of [bleep].

Ronnie, oh, yeah, yeah.

b*at down, baby!

[indistinct cheering]

♪

Yeah? Yeah? For me?

[laughing]

♪

It's over! It's over!

[siren wails]

Evening.

- Hey.
- Hi, there.

License and registration, ma'am.

You were speeding.

Was I?

Uh, yes, ma'am. A in a .

[police radio chatter]

Wait a second.

Is today your birthday?

Yeah, it is.

Well, happy birthday to you.

Thank you.

Nobody today remembered my birthday.

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna let

that little speeding infraction pass,

- no problem.
- Ah, thank you so much.

Unfortunately, your license
does expire on your birthday.

So I will have to write
you a ticket for that.

But just hang tight, and
I'll be right back, okay?

♪

It was a hard, hard,
gruelingly hard race.

But as you usual...

the cream has risen to the...

top.

The winner is...

Ronnie!

ALL: [cheering]

Now most people know today,
April rd, is the anniversary

of the founding of the Pony Express.

But here at Integrity First,

it will henceforth be known

as the day that young Ronnie
broke all of our sales records

and cemented his place

into the "anals" of
Integrity First history.

ALL: [cheering]

There we go.

Whoo-hoo!

ALL: [cheering]

To the victor

go the spoils.

ALL: [cheering]

You all right, Ronnie?

You seem a million miles away.

The anniversary of the
founding of the Pony Express?

That means it's April rd.

If it's April rd, that
means it's Deb's birthday.

I gotta go, Coy, I'm sorry.

Run to her, Ronferd! Run!

[indistinct chatter]

[phone dings]

_

VERNON: Are you guys ready for this, man?

- Oh yeah.
- VERNON: Those freaking people

out there, you know what I'm saying?

_

Good to be with you all this evening.

I wanna thank all of
you for coming out here,

especially all you folks
from the music business.

MAN: Ladies, look at
the vest and tell me,

does he look like a turd or a jerk?

It's a real special song that I wrote

about a real special young lady.

I'd like to dedicate it to her tonight.

♪

♪ You good? ♪

MAN: [indistinct chatter]

♪ Do you ever sit alone ♪

♪

♪ Staring at your phone? ♪

MAN: [indistinct chatter]

♪ A bit misunderstood ♪

MAN: He's actually kinda crazy, right?

Come on, give it up, give it up.

♪ Are you good? ♪

MAN: Spiked hair, the
vest. Cast of "Footloose"?

- What are you thinking?
- ♪ Is the question that I ask ♪

MAN: And he walked
away. Guy, come on, man.

I've got a card and an open
tab, the ladies want drinks.

What can I get you ladies? Oh, really?

Hey! Hold up, guys, hold up.

Hey, dude, what's wrong with you, man?

Huh?

I'm up here trying to
sing a song I wrote.

You're supposed to be from
the music business, man.

Don't you wanna hear
the words of the song?

I listened to your
songs back in the ' s.

Eh, I think we're good.

You reckon maybe you're
just a little pissed off

because your lady's
screwing the pool man?

[crowd oohs]

MAN: Oh, oh. Speaking of getting screwed,

how much money did you have
to pay back to the label

once they dumped you from your deal?

- Oh, I said it.
- [crowd oohs]

See, it looks to me like
you're the one getting screwed.

I don't reckon you'd
have guts enough to say it

to my face, would you?

I'm looking at you right now.

I'm currently saying it to your face.

I mean, uh, closer to my face.

Uh, I get it.

Old man, bad ears.

Sure, let me help you out, pops.

See, what I'm saying is...

[crash]

♪

- DOILY: Man.
- Yeah.

Well, a DUI would be the perfect capper

to this evening, I think I'll drive.

You go ahead and go, darling.

I'm gonna sit here and do

a little thinking and
drinking with Doily.

Don't do too much thinking.

That guy had it coming.

But, hey, I really did love the song.

Well, at least the part that I heard.

See you when you get home.

You be safe, darling.

Hunk of Burnin' Vernon Brown.

The one and only.

Mm-hmm.

I'm Courtney Hitch, I'm a producer.

And I would love to work with you.

Wait, you barely even
got to hear my music.

Uh, I didn't. But you know what?

I'm not really looking
for a musician, Vernon.

Come on, it's Nashville, I mean,

even that busboy over there
probably has a great demo.

No, no, no, no. I'm
looking for an entertainer.

And you, my friend, are
a consummate entertainer.

The best.

- Mm-hmm.
- The best.

Look, to those other guys,

you're a washed up has-been, a joke.

But they're idiots.

I mean, the old way of
selling music is dead.

And they're just treading
water until they drown.

Check this out.

[crash]

I recorded this earlier tonight

when you bust that
record exec over the head.

Now this already has half a million hits.

Now that's real money.

Phew. My days on top of the charts

came and went a long time ago, Hoss.

Yeah, but that was on
top of the country charts.

I'm not trying to make you

the biggest star in country music.

I'm trying to make you the
biggest star in the world.

It's a brave new world out there,

and I just wanna make you a part of it.

Oh.

Next drink's on me.

Enjoy, gentlemen.

Hey, potato chip.

Thirty second rule.

VERNON: I'll take it.

- Too late.
- VERNON: [laughs]

Seriously?

Is that like a violation or anything?

Relax, I'm a health inspector.

Do you know that one? Columba?

It's my favorite.

Latin for dove.

Is that like your
favorite bird or something?

No, my dad and I used to watch
"Colombo" when I was a kid.

I thought the constellation
was named after him.

Colombo was probably
the smartest TV detective

- of all time.
- Yeah.

Colombo's my jam, too.

Nobody saw him coming.

He's just so unassuming.

[sighs]

Anyway, thanks for coming.

Hope it doesn't make things
weird between you and Reggie.

Let's not worry about Reggie tonight.

It's so cool you have a
hookup here at the planetarium.

It pays to know astronomers.

You know what else would be cool?

You take this chatter outside.

I'm trying to enjoy the view.

[inaudible whisper]

[phone dings]

_

♪

_

[inaudible whisper]

[inaudible whisper]

MAN: Hey, get off my car!

I'm doing a thing, dweeb!

♪

Wow, it's the designer series.

Only the best for you, babe.

You know, this morning I
felt like Molly Ringwald

at the beginning of "Sixteen Candles."

But now I feel like Molly Ringwald

at the end of "Sixteen Candles."

Good, I'm happy.

Happy birthday, Deb.

Make a wish.

I don't need to.

It already came true.

Ronnie, you're on fire.

- Huh?
- Ronnie!

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Deb, get it out.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

- I found some flan.
- KAITLYN: Mm, flan.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[whispers] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear ♪

♪ Debbie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Make a wish.