02x09 - Reign Of Tears

[bunniefuu]

VERNON: Previously on "Still The King"...

Surprise!

Trayne, what are you doing here?

I'm playing Vernon Brown in the movie.

It's about you scamming that
church, being a deadbeat dad.

They're gonna make you
look like a horrible person.

Just a fly on the wall.

Keep that shrimp away from me.

Alright, I got terrible
allergies, and I'm gonna

swell up like that purple
girl from "Willy Wonka."

I really need someone
who like actually cares.

Please, don't let this young lady down.

Just been so focused on this baby

I haven't been paying
her enough attention.

You make a much better version
of you than Trayne does.

♪

[crash]

[expl*si*n]

♪

[coughing]

Need a hand, buddy.

This kills me.

You were my best friend, Vernon Brown.

Unfortunately, my boss, Lady Justice,

says that we can't hang out anymore.

- Doily, I can explain.
- Save it.

You broke my heart, and worst of all,

you broke the law.

Can I at least say goodbye?

♪ When I look at you ♪

♪ It's like looking at me ♪

Make it quick, then we go.

♪ If I were you ♪

♪ Then I'd be you ♪

I'm sorry, Charlotte.

You got that right.

You're nothing more than a
scandal-ridden, washed-up,

one-hit wonder who was
kicked out of country music

only to emerge years later
as an Elvis impersonator,

who's now pretending to be a minister.

All those things are true.

But you left out one thing.

I'm also...

your daddy.

So I'm just supposed to forgive you

after you spent your life
doing all the wrong things?

For all the right reasons.

♪

I love you, Dad.

I love you, baby girl.

♪

[crying]

Hold on, no, no!

Cut!

No way, this is horse [bleep].

That's a cut!

Cut!

[indistinct chatter]

Vernon Brown never cries.

♪

♪ Still the King ♪

Oh my God, this is so cool.

I can't believe they're
like actually making a movie

about you.

Oh yeah, all the greats have 'em.

Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Spider-Man.

Wow, they got everything here.

Gum, granola, shrimp cocktail.

Sounds like a gross trail mix.

Doily? How am I doing, man?

Am I nailing your mannerisms?

It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

Yeah, man.

Hello, Vernon.

Sorry, guys, can I... can
I steal you for a quick sec?

Uh, sure, Ron, what up?

I just wanna say how great
it is to have you on set,

but I also wanna remind you
that you're here as a consultant.

Which is also great.

But, um, I'm kind of the director.

So, uh, it's kind of my
job to yell cut. I'm sorry.

- Mum's the word, pal.
- Great, okay, great. Awesome.

Um, look... look, I'm sorry things
got a little heated just now.

It's just that we're running
on such a tight schedule,

and I can't afford anything
slowing down production.

I just hope you're not mad at me.

Uh, no, but while I got you
here, can I just mention to you,

man, I think Trayne got
a bit emotional there

toward the end of that scene.

Yeah, terrible stuff, right?

Reminds me when I was directing
"Incomparable Shannon Doherty"...

Great work, man, great work.

But you're not hearing me.

Vernon Brown never cries.

- Not like ever?
- Never.

♪

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, guys.
- Deb, you are a lifesaver.

Thank you so much for watching these two.

Of course.

It'll be good practice for
when the little guy arrives.

Oh my God, it's a boy?

I found out this morning.

Have you told Ronnie and Vernon yet?

No, I'm gonna tell 'em tonight.

That is so exciting.

Well, I told Bobby and John Cougar

to be on their best behavior.

Isn't that right, you two?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come on, we'll have fun.

- Okay.
- Alright now...

make sure that John Cougar
doesn't have any sugar,

or he will be bouncing off the walls.

And Bobby's going through a phase

where he asks a lot of questions.

- I got it, I got it. Go on.
- We're gonna be fine.

Wouldn't we, guys?

♪

Guys?

[glass shattering]

[bleep].

Here's a good choice.

Uh, it says I'm rugged

but not in a crystal
meth addict kind of way.

Nope, not the right one.

Trayne, I hate to be task master,

but we've been deciding
on a hat for over an hour.

Can you just pick one, so we
can get you to act a little?

Pick one?

I didn't shadow Vernon
Brown for almost eight hours

so I could act like him.

I must be him, and let the
hat do the acting for me.

Does that make sense to you?

Yeah, it makes perfect sense

now that you explained
it to me like that.

Uh, how 'bout we sh**t some other scenes?

I can't concentrate
without the right hat!

I have the right hat at home.

It's the Argonaut.

It's black buffalo felt.

Oh, like this one.

Nothing like that one.

Get the Argonaut!

♪

Uh, Vernon Brown is in
the bathroom, and I think

we're gonna need a little bit of backup.

It seems...

WOMAN: Copy that, ten-three.

Hey, I need you or
another P.A. to go over

to Trayne's house and grab
a very special hat for him.

It's a rush.

You want me to go to Trayne's house?

Yeah, is there a problem?

Uh, no, no, no problem.

As an official P.A. on this movie set,

um, it is my job to go do that.

Here's his address.

- Drive fast.
- Okay.

[phone ringing]

Lloy, what are you doing like right now?

[bell rings]

And action.

Please, of course.

♪

[crying]

It's beautiful.

[crying continues]

It's so damn beautiful.

- I'm sorry.
- [bell rings]

♪

[indistinct police scanner]

Why God?

Why God?

[unintelligible]

Ah!

[crying]

I'm telling you, I can hear
him balling through the door.

Look on the bright side.
He can't cry in every scene.

He's gonna have to take a
break and hydrate at some point.

[crying continues]

[bell rings]

♪

[audience clapping]

I'm Vernon Brown.

And I always get center stage.

Come on, Vernon, can't
we share a spotlight?

Hell no, Trayne Crowstown,
you beautiful man.

There's only room in
the spotlight for one!

♪

Uh!

[grunts]

Trayne, please! Have mercy, Trayne!

Oh!

Cut!

No!

This ain't gonna work!

Cut!

[music cuts out]

What the...

Guys, we gotta derail this
Trayne before he makes me

look like the world's biggest crybaby.

- How are we gonna do that?
- I don't know, man.

You're the brain of this operation.

I'm just the good looks...
and everything else.

We've got two options.

Option one, do the adult thing,
go talk to Trayne man to man.

Bring on option two.

Remember when we were
in the recording studio

Trayne mentioned he's
allergic to shellfish?

I got it.

Trayne's allergic to shellfish, right?

They're serving shrimp onset.

We feed one to Trayne,
he's gonna have a reaction.

He's not gonna be able to do his scenes.

Ha-ha, Doily, you did it again.

No, you didn't, that's exactly
what I was gonna suggest

before I was interrupted.

How are we gonna slip back onset

without them noticing us?

Doily, you think you could
occupy that guard's time

while Walt and I slip back in?

Vern... I've never been more sure

of anything in my entire life.

- Excuse me, sir.
- [slaps]

That's one way of doing it.

Wow.

Let's get it on!

♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪

Wow.

That's a scary looking
spider, John Cougar.

It's a picture of Mommy.

Good job. She looks so pretty.

My mom says you're having a baby.

Where do babies come from?

You know, that's an
interesting question, Bobby.

Um, you see, when a mommy and a daddy

really love each other,
they... they wish upon a star...

Tommy Long from school says
it's from when you get married,

then they start playing
[bleep] music, then everyone

starts [bleep], and they
make [bleep] together,

and they all live happily ever after.

Then their love explodes
all over the [bleep].

John Cougar!

John, wait! John, I'm not mad, wait!

John! Come back!

Stay here, okay, please.

I didn't do it.

- Holy...
- ...[bleep].

[knocking at door]

Hello?

Is anyone home?

Holy...

Greetings and salutations!

Hey, guys!

Hey, Dave.

Um, it's Charlotte.

I'm Vernon Brown's daughter.

Lloy.

I'm Crazy Dave.

I'm Trayne's personal assistant.

Stay there.

I'll be right down.

♪

[dog barking]

CRAZY DAVE: [breathing heavy]

Hey.

It was great that you guys
could come over and hang.

Uh, we just really need
to pick up Trayne's hat.

Oh.

Well, that's okay, come on, come on.

Chop, chop.

Whoa.

What a place you have here.

Oh no, I don't live here.

I live in the corrugated
shed in the back.

You must be looking for the Argonaut.

That's Trayne's most prized hat.

What's in here?

Oh, that's a paintball room.

After a long day, the only thing
that really seems to relax him

is hunting nature's
most dangerous animal...

man.

I love paintball.

But sometimes the balls,
they... they really make a mark.

Wait, wait, wait, you're
telling me that when Trayne

gets stressed out, he runs
after you with a paintball g*n?

Oh, don't be silly. He doesn't run.

He's got go-karts.

I mean how long could one round take?

♪

Alright, it's go time.

Listen, if I get caught,
I need you to make sure...

Save myself?

No, come find me.

I'm gonna need your help for something.

Sure. Either or.

- Keep a lookout.
- Alright.

[dog barking]

John Cougar, have you seen your brother?

Hey, what you doing, little man?

What's the plant called?

Is it poisonous or can you eat it?

How big will it get?

[door slams and locks]

[rattling and knocking at door]

Oh, [bleep].

John Cougar! This isn't funny!

John Cougar, come open the door!

John Cougar!

Don't need to panic, Deb, you got this.

- [electric Kn*fe buzzing]
- [maniacal laughing]

Okay, time to panic a little, Deb.

Hey, little man, do you
wanna play a fun game?

- Yep. What's it called?
- It's called Secret Mission.

And you're secret mission is
to climb through that window

then go around and open
that front door for me.

- Can you do that?
- Yep.

- Is there a time limit?
- Yeah, yeah.

Get your little ass in there.

Good boy.

Bobby! Bobby, wrong way!

Wrong way!

Hey, can you just hand me those keys?

Yeah, just here.

[toilet flushes]

[phone ringing]

Hey, Deb, can't really talk right now.

Walt and I are trying to sneak
a shrimp into Trayne's mouth.

DEB: I don't even wanna know.

Listen, is there any way you can run home

and bring me your keys?

I don't wanna bother Ronnie at work.

Psst, hey!

DEBBI: John Cougar, don't
paint the television!

Uh, listen, I kinda got
my hands full right now.

I gotta go. We'll talk later.

[phone beeps]

RONNIE: Go for Ronnie.

I could really use your help.

That better be chocolate!

[snoring]

Alright, Little Walter,
it's time to shine.

TRAYNE: [snoring]

[munching]

Shoo, go away.

Damn you, Panda.

[growling]

You nauseatingly adorable little bastard.

[dog growling]

[dog whines]

Damn it.

♪

[licking]

Uh, who is that? Huh?

Who is that? You waking up, Daddy?

Are you waking up, Daddy?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[engine shuts off]

Ronnie, thank you so much for coming.

No problem, babe.

When my lady calls,
it's my duty to show up.

Even if I gotta cut
lunch an hour too short.

Do you remember the movie "The Omen"?

Okay, there's two of them in here.

RONNIE: Two... two what?

- Two Damiens.
- Oh God.

Ronnie, they have knives and lighters.

I mean, they're evil.

Alright, it's all good now.

- Back up.
- Wait, what are you doing?

Relax. I've seen this on "Cops Reloaded"

- like a million times.
- Ronnie, wait!

- Ah!
- [glass shattering]

Ronnie, you have a key.

Yeah.

Yeah, I realize that... now.

[electric Kn*fe buzzing]

Whoa, alright, boys,
um, Uncle Ronnie's here.

Hey, how'd you kick a
hole through the door?

It's the deadly art of
karate. I'm a master.

Tell you what.

I'll teach you the
forbidden secrets, but...

you gotta do me a solid.

♪

[razor buzzing]

Whoa, what's that haircut called?

That's the [unintelligible] man.

All the cool dudes have one.

You wanna jump on board?

Uh, uh, uh.

One unauthorized haircut is enough.

Sorry, pal, you heard the lady.

Will you show us karate now?

Well, now that you are properly quaffed,

maybe you are ready
to be shown... the way.

- [gong sounds]
- Alright.

I want you to hit me as hard as... ugh!

Ronnie, are you okay?

RONNIE: [moaning] Never better.

Oh, God, it's so much fun.

You realize we are never
gonna top this moment?

Ever! Indoor go-kart
paintball is the dragon

we're gonna be chasing the rest of lives.

Yeah. Now that was a lot of fun.

Um, can we go get Trayne's hat now?

That's a lot of hats.

Which one is the Argonaut?

Oh, behold.

♪

The Argonaut!

One hundred percent pure buffalo...

Sweet!

Thanks, Dave.

[dolphins vocalizing]

What is that noise?

DAVE: Those are the dolphins.

They're probably getting hungry.

Oh, they eat like pigs.

[dolphins vocalizing]

You wanna see?

[dolphins vocalizing]

Of course he has dolphins.

Swims naked with 'em every morning.

You guys have time for a dip?

I mean, how long could it take?

What the hell took you so long?

Trayne's Panda got ahold of that shrimp

before I could make contact.

Then we're screwed.

Hey.

Hey, sorry to bug you,
but is the hat here yet?

It's just that... oh good God!

What's going on with your face?

- Huh?
- It's nothing.

I mean, if anyone could
pull this look off, it's you.

What are you talking about?

Ahhhh!

[laughs]

You look away!

I'm hideous!

Trayne!

Trayne, wait, we'll fix it in post.

I mean, we'll get a medic.
I'll get a medic! Medic!

Don't panic. Nobody panic!

Okay, I'm pretty sure I
just committed a felony.

So I'm gonna go.

- You coming?
- No way, man.

I wanna see how this plays out.

Just computer generate me.

CGI!

[dog barking]

♪

What'd I miss?

Poor old Trayne had an
allergic reaction to something.

They're gonna have to replace
him to stay on schedule.

Damn shame.

I have never seen anyone say damn shame

with that big of a smile.

Hey, where'd you get that cool hat?

Uh, it's actually Trayne's?

- Really?
- Yeah.

It looks more like a Vernon
Brown style hat to me.

[laughs] You know, I was
thinking the same exact thing.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Be honest.

How were they?

Little angels.

Oooh.

How did you manage to get
John Cougar to cut his hair?

I have taken him to the barber
twice this month, and he freaks.

You know, it was all Ronnie.

You know, it turns out
he has a way with kids.

Got the boys all loaded up.

They look like cute
little Hannibal Lector's

strapped into their car seats.

Well, thank you so much, Ronnie.

I owe you two big time.

You have a babysitter for life.

[horn honking]

Hey, you keep it down!

You'll wake up the whole neighborhood!

[sighs]

Take a load off.

You know, I wasn't sure
I could do this whole

new mom thing again.

What? You did a great job with Charlotte.

Plus, being mom is like riding a bike.

What? You never forget?

No. It's super hard, you
never totally master it.

But still, you try your best.

That's really sweet, Ronnie.

Also, do you not know how to ride a bike?

[door opens]

- Oh, hey you two.
- Hi.

How was your sh**t?

Great.

They had to shut down production though.

Trayne had a mysterious
reaction to some shrimp.

Wonder how that happened.

Sometimes things just
happen for the best.

Well, now that I have all you guys here,

I have some news.

I went to the doctor this morning and...

I'm having a boy.

RONNIE AND CHARLOTTE: [cheering]

That's so exciting. Oh my God.

I'm gonna have a son.

♪

Dad, are you tearing up?

Oh no, honey.

Vernon Brown never cries.

I can't believe it!

There's gonna be a boy to
carry on the family name.

- [glass shatters]
- ALL: Damn it, Ronnie!

Ready to sh**t your scene, Buddy?

Not without the Argonaut.
Right, baby girl?

Maybe we could just sh**t
a couple scenes for fun,

you know, until the hat arrives.

[dog whining]

Ron, do you think I
went to the Lee Strasburg

Online School of Acting

Institute to do this for fun?

Acting's been a passion of
mine for several weeks now.

I take it seriously.

I just... I want you to do the same.

♪ Say oh ♪

♪