03x14 - Chapter Fifty-Eight

[bunniefuu]

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay,
so to review our family tree,

Jane had a son with Rafael,
and he was kind of a handful.

So we would like you
to get him an aid.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Petra had
twin girls with Rafael.

They were kind of perfect.

Which meant that Petra, well,

she was now queen bee
of the preschool.

But Petra had other troubles.

For one, ex-employee Scott
had d*ed on the beach

in front of the Marbella,
and she had...

PETRA: I just scooched him over
a little bit.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And that's not all.

She was also hiding this.

What's this?
Don't know. Came for you.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know.
Who has a burn book, right?

Well, Scott, obviously.

I know. Straight out
of a telenovela, right?

Well, imagine this.
Jane's father, Rogelio,

was estranged from
her mother, Xiomara,

because Xo had been portrayed
as evil on his reality show.

But Rogelio quit the show
in a blaze of glory,

only to be sued.

Luckily, he found himself
a lawyer:

Xo's boyfriend, Bruce.

Actually, I mean her fiancé,
because this happened.

Will you marry me?
Yes.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah,
relationships change quickly

around here,
so pay attention, okay?

They say politics makes
strange bedfellows.

You could say the same
for prison.

By which I mean
when your mutual baby daddy

starts his prison term,

you might find yourselves
unexpectedly... closer.

You okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

It's only nine months.

Totally. It'll fly by.

(sighs)

Petra?

I just really don't want
to mess this up.

Ruin them, you know?

You won't ruin them.
I promise.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, back then,

in motherhood know-how,
Jane clearly dominated.

Mateo, please stop it.
No!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But,
oh, how times have changed.

Come on. I have
to get to work.

Please don't leave me, Mommy!

No, no, no, no, no!

Mommy, don't go!
Mateo, please...

I don't want to go!
Please, okay?

I have to leave.
You have to let go of me.

Need any help?

No, I'm good. Oh...

No, no, no!

JANE: So here's the thing
about Mateo.

He has the sweetest
side, but....

Uh, let me stop you right there.

I like to go in without
any preconceptions, you know?

Because if you put
something out there,

that's all I'm gonna
be able to see.

And I want to be able to pick up
what Mateo's putting down.

You know, just
discover him myself.

Yeah. Makes sense.

Totally get that.

Then again,

knowledge is power.

Jane.
Mm-hmm.

Don't stress.
Next week, we'll sit down,

I'll tell you
what I observed,

it'll all be good.

(chuckles softly)

Maybe I'll just e-mail him.

That way, if he's
looking for more context,

he'll already have it
in his inbox.

He's a professional.
Let's just let him do his thing.

Fine. I'll just write a draft
so it's ready to send

in case he changes
his mind.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ooh, remember Jorge?

From the gift shop?

And, friends, that's when
Jane heard him say...

Jorge broke up
with his girlfriend!

He did?
Yes!

Oh, my God, Ma, stop it.

You know you still like him.

Now's your chance.
Get in there.

Xiomara...

He said the spark d*ed
months ago.

He wasn't even upset.
He's totally open.

I may have followed him
into the gift shop.

What?

I had to buy these.
Here, Mom.

They can be your
"something blue."

I just got engaged, Jane.

It's a little early
for accessorizing.

Come on, Ma.

It's time to make your move.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And speaking of making moves...

Stop it right there.

I don't recall
inviting you in.

I know you're
still mad.

Damn straight I'm mad.

But think about it.

I didn't have
to tell you...

what I did.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
To review...

(thunder crashes)

Scott's death was
ruled an accident.

You never would
have known.

The only reason
I told you was...

...because of us.

Come on, Chuck.

I like you.

More than I want to.

I'll think about it.

JANE:
And that's how the hedgehog

and the alligator made up.

The end.

Okay, Mr. Sweetface,
good night. (kisses)

How come you're
never at school?

I just went and read to
your class two weeks ago.

Yeah, but other moms
are there more,

like for all the birthdays
and special stuff.

I know, but I work.

So does Aunt Petra,
and she's the boss,

and she's always there.

Yeah, well, it's
not a competition.

Sorry, Mommy, I just
really miss you sometimes.

BRUCE:
God, you're so cute.

Stop it.
I look terrible.

Impossible.

Good morning,
future wife.

Good morning,
future husband.

(phone chimes)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, you recall Bruce is

representing Rogelio in his
breach-of-contract lawsuit.

Are you regretting
his proposal?

No.

Are you regretting mine?

What? Of course not.

Why would you even say that?

Just... I heard you
up again last night.

How come you're not sleeping?

Uh, I think it's just stress.

I'm nervous about testifying
at Rogelio's trial.

Hon, it's gonna be fine.

(phone chimes)

As long as
Rogelio figures out

how to dress himself.

Sorry, I know it's more
than you signed up for.

PETRA:
What are you doing?

I'm room mom.

Oh, uh, yeah.

I know you were last semester,

but you complained about it
all the time, so...

Oh, I didn't complain,
I just stated realistically

the time demands, which I
don't think you understand.

I do understand. I can
handle being room mom.

Again, I'm room mom.
Well...

WOMAN: There doesn't
have to be just one.

Why don't you

do it together?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ha!

Oh, she's serious.

Um, sounds great.
Yeah, sure.
Sounds great.

Hey, uh...

So, quick observation.

Impulse-control issues
and loves attention,

even if it's negative attention.
Yeah.

So if we could just
fast-track that solution...

Yeah. Reward positive behavior,
ignore negative behavior.

Even if you feel like
you want to scream,

just ignore, ignore, ignore.

Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and, uh, one more thing.

Lice notification.

Ugh.
MATEO: Ow!

Well, it only hurts
because you're squirming.

Ew, don't lick the sink.

I'm cleaning it.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Remember, Jane,

ignore negative behavior.

Or super-weird behavior.

Hey, hey, after I check your
hair, do you want to check mine?

Good idea!

Yeah!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Nice work, Jane.

Lice are little
bugs, right?

Yep.
I hope I get them.

No, you don't hope you get them;
they're gross.

So you think Hannah L.
and Finn are gross?

No, they're not.
No one is gross.

And you're good.

Ha, ha, no lice!

Yay! Now I get
to check you!

Yep. Come on, buddy.

(grunts playfully)

There it is.

So gentle.

Good job.

Mr. Sweetface?

Hang on.

(scissors snip)

(gasps)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
OMG!

Did he just...

Ignore, Jane.
Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Mr. Sweetface, why-why don't you
go put your pajamas on.

(screaming)

Whoop-whoop!
There's Mateo!
Here's Mateo.

We had quite the night.

Shh, shh.
Say bye to Mommy.

Bye, Mommy.

Hee-hee! Mwah!

Boom! Nice.

You've really
got to try

not to discuss any issues
in front of Mateo.

He'll internalize them.

Well, maybe that's better
than forcing me

to externalize them.

He cut my hair.

Whoa. Did you freak?

No, I ignored it, like you said.

That's awesome.

Well, I'm missing half my hair,

so I don't feel as great
about it as you do, but-- Oh.

Morning, Petra.

I'll see you
at the room mom meeting.

Mm. Make sure you have
reviewed all the initiatives

on our agenda so I don't
have to catch you up.

I have a very
tight schedule.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Remember,
ignore negative behavior.

Mrs. Solano, there are...

Not now, Krishna.

...two police in your office.

DENNIS:
Some new information

has come to light
about the Scott Archuletta case.

Sure.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, no, they must know

she moved Scott's bones.

What can you tell us about this?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, I forgot all about

Scott's burn book.

And I think Petra did, too.

How did you get that?

Hi there.

Why did you have it?

Scott left that book
in his employee locker

after he was fired.

I obviously didn't want
anyone else to have it,

so I kept it safe.

Why didn't you hand it over
when he was found dead?

Because you guys told me
it was an accident,

so I didn't think
it was relevant.

But, look,
I was just trying

to spare my employees
any embarrassment.

I mean, there's gossip
in there about all the...

Well, I-I'm sure
you've read it.

We did.

He talked a lot
about a guy

named J.P. Who's that?

I have no idea.

There's also
a page missing.

And?

Did you remove it?

No, I didn't.

Do I need a lawyer?

I don't know. Do you?

Well, I was accounted for
during the time of his death,

so I don't appreciate
these accusations.

We need to get in touch
with your sister.

Good luck. I haven't spoken
to her in three years.

(door opens)

XIOMARA: There's no way
it will end well.

(sighs)
Don't be dramatic.

You and Petra?
Co-room moms?

We're adults,
we'll be fine.

Hey, Abuela.

Mm.

What's wrong?

Oh, Abuela...

XIOMARA:
Wait a minute.

When you say you went for
it, what does that mean?

Wh-What was your move?

Now, these pirate sh*t glasses

are very well-made.

(sultry jazz music playing)

♪ ♪

(scoffs)
Ma, that's nothing!

Agreed, but there are
steps in between.

Okay, so let's change that.

A sexy dress...
Oh.

...some heels, a little makeup.

Come on,

you've been
in the friend zone too long.

Trust me.

When Jorge sees you next,
he's gonna say...

RAFAEL:
Oh, my God.

PETRA: It must
have been Abbey.

Uh, she walked in when I
was hiding his burn book.

I was just...

trying to keep it out
of the wrong hands.

It was obviously
a mistake.

(sighs)

Come on. Where's
Zen Rafael, hmm?

Zen Rafael really doesn't want
to be caught up

in covering a crime.

Petra, I have
been to prison.

I don't want to go back.

I know. You won't.

(sighs)

I'm really sorry. Okay?

But this is all me. I messed up.

(sighs)

And Chuck knows?

Only about the bones.

But he hasn't said anything.

Yet.

It's time.

Are you ready for
Sunday Funday, Matelio?!

Yes!

So what's the adventure
this afternoon?

Sushi? Mani-pedis?

Well, my well-trusted counselor,
Bruce, didn't like

my court wardrobe choices,

so we're gonna get fitted
for bespoke suits.

Downscale and very humble
bespoke suits, of course.

And Grandma's
getting a dress, too!

Oh, terrific.

What are you thinking?

Black and tight.

For a wedding?

No, for my mom's Jorge makeover.

ROGELIO:
Got it.

Are you ready to go,
Matelio?

Adventure awaits, yes! (grunts)

(chuckles)

(giggles, sighs)

Everything okay, Mom?

Yeah, totally. Why?

Well, for someone
planning a wedding,

you don't seem
that into planning a wedding.

(sighs)

Jane, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I mean, I really
love him.

But?

I just feel nervous
and I don't know why.

I mean, things
are good.

Not passionate like
in the beginning...

It can't always be like that.

Exactly. That's what
I keep telling myself.

This is what happens
in relationships,

and I'm just not used to it

because I've never stayed
in one long enough.

Exactly.
And I self-sabotage, too.

This might just be that.

And so,
I don't want to overreact

and ruin something really good.

Really great.

True.

But... maybe you shake
things up a little.

Try to get that spark back.

You want to be sure.

ROGELIO: I have never been
so sure in my life.

So normal.

Strikes the right balance
between credible and gullible.

What do you think
of yours, Matelio?

I look pretty good.

Never settle for good.
Only great.

How can we make it great?

It's a little itchy.

Let's line it.
Thai silk, please.

So, are you excited
about Abuela's wedding?

Will she have a bouncy house?

Probably not.

As long as she's happy, though.

Do you think
your abuela is happy?

Uh, with Bruce?

I don't know.

(sighs)

I don't know either, Matelio.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Also hoping for the best...

Did you do something
to your hair?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, me.

With this whole
co-room mom thing.

Just thinned it out a little.
Should we get down to business?

Yes, let's first divide up
responsibilities.

So, I have a format
for the weekly newsletter,

so I'll just
keep sending that out.

Um, we have Spring
Sing coming up,

so you can be in charge
of photocopying the programs

and I'll M.C. the event. Okay?

Well...
Now, onto the
drop-off situation.

I'm already hiring

a parking attendant.
So, if you wouldn't mind

just setting up the
traffic cones in the morning,

I'll greet.

So, Petra,

I can't help but notice
that you are giving me

all the grunt work and yourself
all the glory work.

This is about the kids, Jane,
not the glory.

Okay, well, I don't even agree
with some of these decisions.

For the kids.

Like what?

For one, I don't think we need
to hire a parking attendant.

That seems kind of wasteful.

Waste-Wasteful?

What, to protect our children
from speeding cars?

We can ask
for parent volunteers.

Here we go.
I'm just saying that

it is possible
to deal with a kids' issue

without just hiring help.

Well, this is why
we hold fundraisers, Jane.

I mean, where do
you think the money

for the new reading nook
came from?

Well, actually, that hasn't been

officially designated
a reading nook.

Oh, now you're against reading.
(chuckles)

(scoffs)
I just think that

we can use a bigger
indoor art space,

since the kids aren't
reading independently yet.

The girls started last week.

In French.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Touché,

Mademoiselle Solano.

Should we move onto lice?

Yes! This obviously requires
urgent action.

So, uh, why don't you
just start by telling me

what you have against
hiring Hair Bears,

a professional company,
to do lice checks?

Well, again, the expense.
So what do you want,

parent volunteers for that, too?

Yes, I do, actually.

Okay, great, thanks for
volunteering as Lice Mom.

Okay, you know what?
Working together was...

...somewhat challenging
for the two of us.

We just have
different visions.

Both valid.

Totally. I just love
so many of her ideas.

Love.
Ditto.

No, it's just, uh...

A little cumbersome
having to make

all these bipartisan decisions.

So, we were thinking,
why not have a runoff?

The kids can see
democracy in action.

This time, free from
Russian intervention.
Oh...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ugh. Don't remind me.

Okay. Just keep it friendly.

Of course.
We're family.

So, serious?
No.

Sounds good.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Get ready, folks.

(triumphant fanfare playing)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
So, where were we? Ah, yes.

The race for room mom.

Okay, so they are skeptical
about not backing the incumbent,

but they do care about
cubby hierarchy.

Great. Thanks.

Hi, ladies.

CAROLINE:
Jane.

Hi. Funny, we were just
talking about the election.

I know, it's
crazy, right?

Trust me, we wanted
to do it together,

we just have such different
visions, you know?

About where we want
to take the school.

(patriotic music playing)
What behaviors

we want to reinforce.

What values we as a
community stand for.

Plus, the cubby situation.

I'm sorry, that was petty.
I should go high.

No, it's an issue.
(scoffs)

Petra's friends get
all the cubbies on top,

so they don't have to
kneel down all the time

to clear out the art projects.

We'll do rotating
cubbies.

Every three months,
the kids will change.

But won't that
confuse them?

No. If anything,

it'll reinforce
name recognition.

And I'll make little
removable decals

that'll make it easy for
them to switch around.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ooh.

Looks like
they're leaning teal.

(mom gasps, screams)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Uh-oh. They're going coral.

Oh, my God! Thank you, Petra.

Bad news: she's
trying to buy votes

by handing out
spa gift cards.

Get over to the east side before
she gets to anyone there.

I'll hold down
the base here.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, no.

Not another
close election, please.

I can't take the stress.

(whimsical music playing)

Sorry, I just had to go
to my happy place for a second.

Ladies, hi.

We're having a little
promotion at our spa.

Thought I'd spread the fun.

Oh Jane, isn't that
Mateo's aide coming?

(chuckles)

Hey, you want to show your mommy

what you did
today, buddy?

This is you.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yikes.
That kid is not an artist.

But it could be worse.

It's you, Mommy.

Oh.

ELLIE:
A dragon.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
See? That's worse.

Ready to go to martial arts?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

(chuckles):
Oh.

He clearly thinks
you should rock the hair.

(laughs)
Yeah, that's not me.

Well, not now,
but like I tell Mateo,

people pick up
what you're putting down.

You know, rock it, and
suddenly you're "Edgy Jane."

Yeah, okay.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Translation.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, wow.

Hello, Edgy Jane.

♪ ♪

Work it.

What can I get you?

Surprise me.

I mean, his voice
was still changing,

so I wouldn't exactly say
he's Mr. Right.

But it made me think.

You know,
you get what you put out.

And I guess
I've just been projecting

this kind of Miss Havisham vibe
out into the world ever since...

you know.

Well, I don't know
who that is,

but if you mean "hands off,
I've got cobwebs down there,"

then, yeah,

that's the vibe
you've been throwing.

Come on, Ma.

Cobwebs?

Figure of speech.

So, are you ready, you think?

To start dating?

No. Definitely not.

My grief group said
that I wouldn't be ready

until I can get through the
whole story of Michael's death

without tearing up, and...
well, you saw me at the reading.

Huh?

No. He won't.

You look beautiful!

See?

Aw.

BRUCE:
I'm glad she felt good.

You hungry? What
should we order?

Nothing.

Let's get drunk
and go play pool.

What?
Just, seeing my mom

all gussied up made me realize

that we haven't
been out in forever.

Let's do something fun.

I'm in.

Okay, I'm buzzed.

And that means it's time
for me to defend my title,

best drunk pool player
in Miami.

Uh, I don't want
to go out anymore.

I want to do something else.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mm...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And speaking of sexy...

Alba.

You-you look...

Uh...

(yells)
Oh, my God!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah,
not the OMG Alba was going for.

XIOMARA: Is she mad?
(Alba groans)

I mean, she's not happy.

Oh. Should I come over?

Can I get you
anything, Abuela?

No.

Maybe just give it a day.
(door slams)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oof, Alba's breathing fire.

RAFAEL: Girls were
already asleep.

They were exhausted.

What are you doing?

Just strategizing
for the election.

Oh, you guys are crazy.

Oh, you have me down
as a vote for Jane?

Come on.

What?

You've always been
on Jane's side.

Since you met her.

That was a long time ago.

Things have changed.

Really?

Yes.

So I'm abstaining.

(chuckles softly)

It's only fair.

So no change?
She's still mad?

More embarrassed.

Don't worry,
she'll get over it, eventually.

Now, tell me more
about your night with Bruce.

It was amazing?

So amazing.

But?

But I don't know.

I still feel weird.

And it's not
Bruce, it's me.

Yeah. Papa doesn't know
if you're happy with him.

What?

(clicks tongue)

What?

No winking.

Flirting with the jury
is pretty frowned upon.

Sorry, it was just instinct.

Let's take your testimony
from the top.

(ringtone playing)

Ah, it's Xiomara.

Hello?

How dare you?!

You have no right
to talk about my relationship

with Bruce to Mateo.

What could possibly possess you

to talk to a four-year-old
about this?!

I wasn't...
Are you a four-year-old?
Is that it?

I mean, what if Mateo
had repeated that

in front of him?

I... can't say.

Exactly!

Because you don't think.

(line beeps)

Your fiancée says hi.

RAFAEL:
Are you mad?

No, of course not.

You should be neutral.

(chuckles):
You're so mad.

I just thought you'd vote for me
because my ideas

are genuinely better, but, hey,
abstaining is fine, too.

I can see my path to victory

without the Rafael Solano
firewall.

(chuckles)

PETRA:
Chardonnay!

For everyone.

(laughter)

Call you back.

Hi there, everyone.

Petra. What's going on?

Oh, I just thought I'd
get the girls together.

While I'm working?

I don't know your
whole schedule.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Then
again, she makes the schedule.

So, uh, can I get you
another round? On the house.

Yes, my house.

(laughter)

You know what?

Everything looks like
it's under control here.

I'll join you.

Yeah.

So, Virginia--

Let me just, yeah.

I was thinking about
what you were saying

about the birthday
snack situation...

Oh, oh, it's okay,
we can talk about it later.

And besides, the snack
situation has been handled.

Okay, great!
So does that mean

that we're going
completely nut-free?

Because that's
what everybody wants.

I've been doing this
for two years, Jane.

I believe I know
what everybody wants.

Oh, I'm just saying that
new ideas could improve things.

Okay, you want to have
a debate right here?

Kind of.
Okay. Let's go.

My vision for the
room is clear.

To keep things under control, as
I have for the past two years.

You keep talking
about the past.

I want to focus
on the future of our room.

I want it inclusive,
optimistic...

(clears throat)

Candidates,
again the question was:

what improvements do you support
for the playground?

Ms. Villanueva?

Yes, of course.

We clearly need a new surface
for under the jungle gym.

My plan is to return to sand.

It's inexpensive, natural.

It's what we grew up with.

And definitely no wall.

Ms. Solano, a rebuttal?

Rubber mulch.

It's the only
way to go.

It's cleaner, safer for falls,
and we can choose

a bright color
to go with the jungle gym.

There she goes again,
trying to distract us

from the real issue.

Excuse me,
I didn't interrupt you.

Because I was making sense!
Okay. As you can see,

my opponent clearly
doesn't have the temperament.

Ms. Villanueva, you will
be given time to respond.

I'm sorry.

But what Petra's not telling us
is that rubber mulch

is an expense
we don't need to incur.

And for all we know,

she's in the pockets
of Big Rubber.

It is a proven
fact that animals

go to the bathroom in the sand.

Do you want our kids
playing in squirrel feces?

Squirrel feces? Is that true?

No, it's not.

Petra is using
scare tactics.

Okay, Jane, why
don't we get sand,

so Mateo can throw
it in kids' eyes.

Mateo wouldn't do that.
Oh, no. Of course.
What am I thinking?

I guess his preferred instrument
of terror is scissors.

You know, maybe if

you disciplined him more,
you wouldn't

have to pretend that awful
haircut was intentional.

Well, maybe if you disciplined
your kids less,

they wouldn't think
you're a terrifying dragon.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, so... who won?

Hey, Dad.

How'd it go with Mr. Sweetface?

Well, we were running lines
for my testimony,

and then he just passed out in
the middle of my big monologue.

What's wrong?

I just got into a
big fight with Petra

in front of everybody.

She just, she knows
how to get under my skin.

Well, you two do have the
hallmarks of a classic rivalry.

What?

It's textbook telenovela.

The rich versus poor,
blonde versus brunette...

Czech versus American.

I just thought we were past it.

I mean, her kids are perfect.

They know how to read.
They never cry.

They're great.
There's no competition.

I'm the one that's struggling.

I'm the one that has
to do this for Mateo.

What do you mean?

Uh, he... he wants me
to be around school more,

doing stuff like this.

Come on.

He's four.

I bet if you ask him

if he'd rather you be a room mom

or, I don't know, eat chocolate,

he'd choose chocolate.

(chuckles) So you're saying
it's more about me?

The best rivalries
are not about the rival.

They're about
the insecurities

that your rival
brings out in you.

Preferably in the fifth act.

Is that why you
trash-talked Bruce to Mateo?

Okay, look, it's hard
to watch your mom get married,

I'll admit it.

But that was an honest mistake.

I never had

a meaningful relationship
with a kid.

The closest I came was
with my eight-year-old costar

in El Vaquerito.

But that kid turned out
to be a backstabbing diva

who conveniently always had nap
time when it got to my coverage.

Okay, but you can't
tell Mateo everything.

I know. But it's just
because I'm so happy

to finally have the kind of bond
I have with Matelio

that I always wanted
with my own... non-you child.

I know.

And you'll have
another kid, Dad.

Yeah. Well, maybe.

It's funny. So much has changed.

In a lot of ways,

my relationship with Matelio
has filled that void.

It doesn't feel like

a deal-breaker for me anymore.

That was a long time ago.

PETRA: Look, I know
it was a long time ago,

but I can't help it.

Jane just makes me
feel like a bad mom

who has to ask
stupid questions,

like how to deal
with diaper rash.

Well, then you just
have to remind yourself

that you're no longer
that person.

I mean, you're the dragon.

You saw the picture?

It's so embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

They clearly
think I'm scary.

No. No, they think
you're a dragon

because last week, when
they were having nightmares,

I told them they had
nothing to be scared of

because they lived with
the fiercest woman I know.

You protect
everyone around you.

Like a dragon.

Really?

That's how I see you.

You're extraordinary, Petra.

The way you handled everything
when I went to prison.

The girls, the hotel.

You are the only person I know

who could have handled
all of that.

Thank you.

I needed that.

(laughs softly)

Can I admit something?

Hmm?

I hate being room mom.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here.

Now...
Can we talk?

(Gwen claps)
Okay!

Election day!

Shall we take our
room mom vote?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yes!

Please, get it over with.

Actually, can I say something
first, if that's all right?

I just wanted to say,

I think it's obvious
that there is one person

much more qualified
to be room mom.

And that's why...

I'm with her.

Oh. N-No, it's fine.

Actually, you can be
room mom, Jane.

No, but you're much
better suited than I am.
No, no.

But this is something
you really want.
No.

And I've already
done it twice.
Oh, my God, no.

So it's your turn now.
No, really, I insist!
I couldn't even take...

I'm sorry, uh...
(chuckles nervously)

Can you just
give us a minute?

Oh.

What are you doing?
I don't want to be room mom.

I realized it's not important
to Mateo, so I want out.

No, no, no, I want out.
I was just doing it

because I was insecure
about being a good parent.
You?

Yes!
I'm insecure.

Now you want to fight about
who's more insecure?!

No, what I want is

to end this stupid
rivalry about parenting.

Come on, it's hard enough.

So, what will it be, ladies?

Who is our new room mom?

Uh... oh, God.

(patriotic music playing)

Thank you so much
for voting.

Cheers. Oh!

Hi!

Mwah!

XIOMARA:
Rafael?

The people have spoken.

How about you?

Any epiphanies
about getting married?

(sighs)

Well, I don't want to add
to your doubts, but...

I feel like I have to
tell you something,

because it might

make things clearer for you.

Or less clear, I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Dad told me something.

The kid thing?

It's not a deal-breaker
for him anymore.

Wh-What do you mean?

He feels like Mateo

has kind of filled
that role in his life.

And I think he still
has feelings for you.

And I don't know why
I'm telling you this,

except I feel like
you should know

because you're making
such a big decision.

BRUCE: And how did
this reality show

affect your relationship
with, uh, Mr. De La Vega?

Try not to fidget so much.

The jury won't
trust you.

Okay, sorry, go.

It destroyed it.

Completely.

I was devastated.

We didn't talk for two years.

He was such a huge
part of my life,

and... I missed my friend.

I really missed my friend.

BRUCE:
But you weren't

together at the time.

It didn't break up
a relationship.

Together or not, he was one
of the most important people

in my life.

There wasn't one day
that went by

that I didn't think about him.

Um...

Even though we weren't together,
you're correct.

Wow, wow, wow,
what an amazing performance.

I-I totally bought it.

Yeah.

I totally bought it, too.

All right,
one week down.

First, let me say,
Mateo is an awesome kid.

Like I said, he's
pretty hyperactive,

and he has issues
with impulse control.

So, we're gonna work on
slowing down in general

and making smart choices.

And now's your chance.
Hit me up with his history.

Anything relevant
you think I should know.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
All right, you're up, Jane.

Okay. His history.

(sighs)

So, when Mateo
was months old,

my husband d*ed,
his stepfather.

Pretty much
out of the blue.

Well, he had been sh*t first,
but, still, he recovered.

Only not fully.

He didn't pass
his physical.

Uh, he had to keep
his blood pressure down,

but after he d*ed, the doctors
said it was pretty much

a freak thing.

Uh, an aortic dissection.

So no one could've
predicted it.

Anyway, after that, I was...
I was pretty much a mess.

For the first month,
I mostly stayed in bed.

What?

You told the story about
Michael without crying.

Oh, my God.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Yeah.

So he's had some trauma.

I am so sorry.

But you should know,
Mateo shows no sign of trauma.

He has a really strong,
secure attachment

to both of you.

He's happy. He's not anxious.

I mean, his issues
are normal kid stuff.

It's just the way he's wired.

(exhales)

(voice breaking):
So he's not scarred?

Really? I mean, in, like,

your professional opinion?

Nope, no sign of that.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, there are the tears.

But still,
they're different tears.

So he's not
acting out because...

I went to prison
when he was two-ish?

What? Whoa.

Mind blown.

Yeah, for nine months.

I mean, he, um... visited,

but he was old enough
to feel abandoned.

No abandonment issues.

Dude, you're his hero.

(sighs)

(sniffles)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, wow.

Now everyone's crying.

You're damn right
I'm upset!

Well, not him.
He seems more mad.

The cops just came by,
wanting to know

if I knew anything about a book
that you took from the dead guy.

I know. That's why
I've been calling you.

Look, I-I had
the book separately...

And what's with
the missing page?

I don't know
anything about that.

And I don't believe you!
Calm down!

Don't tell me to calm down!
Hey.

I think you should go.

Before I call security.

Thank you for believing me.

I don't.

Where's the missing page?

JANE:
And then I told him.

The whole story about Michael,
and I didn't cry once.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, you cried after.

Wow.
I know.

So what does that mean?

Are you ready to date?

I don't know.

But I'm definitely ready
to start thinking about it.

Mom, hi.

I've been waiting to talk
to you. I know you're mad,

and I'm sorry I pushed you
too far with Jorge.

I just love that you
took my advice and...

(laughter)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wow.

Looks like things
are definitely

changing around here.

Everything's different now.

Everything's changed.

The stuff your dad said
about you isn't true.

Plus, he's not
even your dad.

Still hurts to read.

I know.

That's why
I ripped out the page.

What?

See?

You're the dragon.

Protecting everyone.

You're the only one
who sees me like that.

I, uh, can't do this.

I can't go to court like this.

What's wrong?

What's wrong is...

what happened
the other night.

During your prep, when you
were talking about Rogelio.

Do you still have
feelings for him, Xiomara?

I don't know.

Okay, then.

I'm sorry.

(softly):
Yeah.

Hello, hello!

♪ It's another
beautiful day ♪

♪ To win a lawsuit! ♪

Go, Team Rogelio!

(laughs)

So, are you ready
to make everyone

fall in love
with me, buddy?

We shouldn't do this.

I know.

But I really want to.

So do I.

♪ ♪

(Petra moaning)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Like I said:

politics makes
strange bedfellows.