02x03 - Caiman

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wrecked"...

- We're pirates, mother[bleep]
- [Screaming]

I am the Barracuda,
and this is my island now.

[All screaming]

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

We're taking your beach.

You can live down there.

That's, like, the worst
part of the beach!

This is all my fault.

You have to get me off this island.

Oh, my God. There she is! Emma!

I'll help you!

I'm sorry!

♪

Florence: Emma!

Emma: Coming to get me, right?!

Karen: Well, water's contaminated.

Whole river looks like this.

Something must be spoiling it upstream.

Huh. Well, I guess that
explains all the dead birds.

We can still drink it though, right?

- Oh, of course.
- Oh thank god.

In the same way that you can
drink a soup, or a gravy.

But it'll still make
you violently ill...

Karen, come on!

- What's wrong with you?
- What?

I don't know what you
guys are so worried about!

We've been drinking Earth's tears

since the dinosaurs cried 'em.

Hey, Chet, do not drink that...

We a water.

Babies. Let's get wet!

- No, no, no. No, Chet. No.
- Hey, buddy.

- Oh, God.
- Oh. He's taking it all.

That's a mistake.

- Oh, my.
- He took it all.

- Whoa.
- Ahh!

See?

You get vitamins and
minerals from all places.

Oh, oh! It's in me!

Get it out! Oh!

Ooh, oh, get it out! Get it out!

Cut me open! Oh, I
can't sh*t fast enough!

[Gags] Get it out!

[Gags] Get it out!

♪

Chet? Maybe it'll help
if I rub your belly...

[Bleep] you! [Hissing]

[Snorts, groans]

God, I wish there was
something we could do.

Yeah. It's too bad your
doctor friend's dead.

Okay, Emma's not dead, so...

Oh, she's dead.

Probably at the bottom of the ocean,

all bloated, crabs eating her hair.

Damn shame, too, 'cause she was useful.

Excuse me?

Oh, I didn't mean anything personal.

I just meant the wrong friend d*ed.

How is that not personal?!

Because it's fact?

Welp, I'm gonna head up the river

and see what's making
our water all crappy.

♪

Man, I'm thirsty.

You guys been collecting your pee?

No.

Have you been collecting your pee?

No.

Mm.

Heads up. Pirates.

Hey, where's the cockpit?

Barracuda wants us to
strip it for parts.

It's back that way.
But it's... pretty gnarly.

There's a guy...
smooshed to death underneath it.

- Whoa.
- Yeah. Liam.

We tried to pull him out,

but all we could find
was his arm, and a...

a butt cheek.

Dammmn. Y'all seen some messed
up sh*t on this island, huh?

Hey, what's going on out there?

You know, like... in the real world?

I don't know where to start on this.

- I mean...
- Well, of course, there's Syria.

Oh yeah... UN cease fire unrivaled,

so you can imagine what that means.

And the Paris Accords,
they could fall apart at any moment.

- Don't even get me started on Ukraine.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, the political climate.

Totally! With Ukraine.

But you know what I just
thought of just now?

What is happening on "Game of Thrones"?

- Oh.
- Right.

- That's actually fun.
- Right.

My favorite show. What's happening?

Hold on. Hold on.

What was the last thing you guys saw?

Jon Snow d*ed.

- [Laughs]
- Okay, I can't, not now.

- What?
- Not now.

- You don't even know!
- Ohhh sh*t!

- You don't even know!
- Come on!

- Oh, my God!
- [Laughs]

You guys missed a full season!

You missed a whole season!
It's outta control!

- Where do I even start?
- Twist, twist, twist.

- So many twists.
- Yeah.

Yes!

♪

[Humming]

♪ Howwwdy angel ♪

♪ Where did you hiiide your wings ♪

You!

Oh! The Barracuda!

Sorry! I was just singing a little bit.

I'll stop it.

Your song. I've heard it before.

- Oh. Okay!
- Sing it for me.

Oh I don't know. I'm
not much of a singer.

[g*n cocks]

♪ Your love shines
overrrr my horizon ♪

♪ She's a... ♪

Both: ♪ Slice of heaven ♪

Wow, you know it.

- Yeah.
- It's a Kiwi classic.

You're not from New Zealand, are you?

No, um, my lover, he...

Oh! Um, I-I have to go.

Don't worry about it!
Don't ask! It's pirate stuff!

Pirate stuff, yeah.
I've gotta do Steve stuff, so...

♪

Karen! I'm coming with you!

No, never asked you to come.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause I asked myself.

And you know what I said?
I said, "Smart move, sugar tits."

'Cause when sh*t pops off upstream,

"you're gonna need someone like me."

You call yourself "sugar tits?"

Yep. I do.

Karen, I'm gonna help you.
Whether you like it or not.

Let's go!

♪

River's the other way.

[Groans] It's called dynamic stretching.

- Try to keep up, grandma.
- [Laughs]

Mm. The vegetation is getting

- thinner...
- Thinner.

It's so funny you said that

'cause I said it at the exact same time.

We're on the same page.
That's pretty cool.

I don't know what you're
trying to prove out here,

but it makes me want to shove
this spear down my throat

and pull it out my ass.

All I'm doing, Care Bear,
is being hella useful.

- Oh.
- Like check this out!

- Oh.
- I just found us lunch!

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Oh. You... really think those
boys are safe to eat?

Mhmmm.

You don't think you're
gonna break out in hives

and sh*t your pants?

Nhmmm.

Why don't you swallow?

[Gulps] Mmm.

It's so good.

It was the best berries I've ever had.

- Oh?
- Now I need to cough.

Oh, now you need to cough?

[Spits]

Well, that was more of a sneeze.

But, you know, you're right.

Goumi berries are delicious.

Sorry if I don't every frickin'
weed and berry!

What, did you grow up on a farm?

♪

Oh! Good God!

[Flies buzzing]

Boar guts.

[Spits]

♪

Mother of god.

Do you know what this means?

We're in the k*ll zone
of a black caiman.

♪

A Black Gay Man?

Do you... Do you really think
that's what I just said?

I don't know!

It's what it sounded
like you said, so...

You... You think this is the
k*ll zone of a Black Gay Man?

Well anything sounds stupid
when you say it like that! God.

It's a Black Caiman.

It's the world's deadliest alligator.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- sh**t.
- Yeah, sh**t.

Big stuff here, toots.

What are we gonna do
about this black c-caiman?

Well, it's built its nest here.

So if we want fresh water...

I'm gonna have to...

♪

k*ll it.

♪

I think you mean...
we're gonna have to k*ll it.

[Grunts]

Okay, wow. Wow!

Well, that spear's stuck,
so we're down a spear.

My God, you witch!

- Y'all ready to catch up
- [Laughs]

on "Game of Thrones", huh?

- Hell yeah!
- Come on!

All right, season starts
on a dead Jon Snow,

but somehow his hair looks ah-mazing...

Danny: Wait!

♪

Don't spoil it.

What the hell are you doing?!

I don't want to just "hear" it.

I want to watch it myself!

Of course, my bad. I'm an idiot.

Let me just fire up HBO Go on my iPad

oh wait it's a coconut!

I mean when we get home!

Listen... my family abandoned me.

I have nothing waiting for me at home.

Nothing, except the dream of my couch,

a big ol' honkin' pizza...

and an entire season

of the greatest fantasy
show of all time.

Now, who's with me?!

All: Yeah!

Bruce: He's right!

What's the point in hearing about
"Game of Thrones"

when we can't see the titties?!

What are they gonna do,
"describe" the titties?

Yeah, we were gonna do that.

I mean, that's basically
what he does in the books.

[Scoffs] Yeah, you would read a book.

- You pervert!
- Guys, the books are way better.

Have you ever heard of world building?

- What a nerd.
- Nerd!

Let's just wait till we get home!

Here's a spoiler...
We're not gonna make it home!

We're probably gonna die slow,
painful deaths here!

- I would say it's likely.
- For sure.

So how about we all take a little trip

down to Westeros?!

- Yeah.
- Interesting point.

This is so stupid!

What we should be talking about...

is HBO's premier show, "Ballers"!

- Oh, my God.
- What!

- Terrible.
- Really? Is this real?

You're trying to tell me that you bozos

don't want to see The Rock as
a jacked-up financial advisor?

- Nobody does.
- No.

Jess loves it. Tell 'em, babe!

It's good. It's good, yeah.

Exactly. Unlike"Thrones", which sucks.

We bailed on that show
after they showed dong.

Wow. That's unbelievable.

- What are you talking about?
- They show a lot of nudity.

Nudity represents vulnerability.

- What's the show about?
- [Indistinct arguing]

Okay!

There's only one way to settle this.

And I think we all know what that is.

- We vote!
- Trial by combat!

- What?
- What?

- Trial by combat?! Really?
- Jesus!

No, we vote. We vote.

Yeah, w-we... That's okay, too.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, yeah!

You want that? Aah!

Oh, you're welcome.

Wicked world. You're all dead.

Ah, Jesus!

Would you stop playing with my spear?!

Look, it's about to get sav out here.

So why don't you just go on back?

Guess what, bitch. I'm
not going anywhere.

Oh.

I get it.

This is about your dead friend.

Emma's not dead.

Oh, yeah she is.

And you feel like it should
have been you instead.

Basic psychology.

You know what? You're right.

Emma was my rock. Is my rock.

Just because everyone thinks she's the
"useful one"

and I'm the "other one"...
It doesn't mean I think that!

All right?! God!

[Bird squawks]

[Rock splashes]

All right, you know what?

Maybe you can help after all.

- Really?
- Yes.

Dope. Okay.

First things first...
We gotta mask your scent

so you can get close enough
to the caiman to strike.

So cover yourself in that blood.

♪

Ah! Lunch!

It's all Steve's!

♪

Oh. Hello!

The Barracuda wants to see you.

But I didn't... I didn't do anything.

Hey! Hey, no!

My fish, it's gonna get b*rned!

It's been cooking for hours!

Oh!

♪

I feel so badass right now. [Grunts]

Great. Now step in the att*ck zone,
like I showed you...

att*ck zooone!

Where this caiman at? I'ma k*ll you!

Shhhh. Quiet.

And the hunt begins.

The hunt.

Good.

Quiet.

♪

Should I have a spear, or...?

No.

Stupid question. Yeah, stupid.

[Thunder rumbles]

It's just that, if I don't have a spear,

how do I k*ll the caiman?

You don't.

Oh, right, right, right. I don't.

Then how does it die?

When the caiman smells you,
it will silently approach.

And then I will s*ab
this spear in its skull,

hopefully before it
tears you in half...

Oh my God!

Are you using me as bait?!

I thought we were doing this together!

We are.

Some of us are hunters,
and some of us are weak, sickly bait...

♪

Then forget this.

I hope that stupid caiman
eats your stupid face!

What are you talking about?

Caimans are extremely intelligent!

♪

When I heard you singing today,

it brought back a lot of memories...

Oh. Cool!

Of my dead lover.

Oh. I'm sorry.

- He was from New Zealand.
- Mm.

Like you.

A few years ago,
my men and I raided a cruise ship,

and he worked there, as an emcee.

I'll never forget the
first time I saw him,

jumping off the stage,
screaming in terror,

begging us not to sh**t him in the face.

Huh.

Something about his voice soothed me.

He used to sing that
song to me every night,

right before we fell asleep...

right after we'd made love for hours.

[Gulps, spits]

That's off, actually.

- Mm.
- Yeah, I'm finished.

You remind me of him, Steve.

[Glasses thud]

Okay.

♪

Oh. There goes the hat.

My sweet... Luther.

sh*t.

- Oh!
- [Thud]

♪

[Indistinct talking]

We tallied the votes.

- It's a tie.
- What?

Fourteen votes a piece.
Two for "Ballers".

Can't spoil without a majority.

It's pirate's code.

Sorry, bro.

Nice.

[Indistinct conversations]

No!!!

Spoil it! Tell us what happens!

Jess... What are you doing?!

Todd, I lied to you, okay?

I kept watching "Game of Thrones"...
without you.

What?

How long has this been going on?

A season. Maybe a season and a half.

Was it a season or a season and a half?!

It was a season and a half, okay?!

I'm sorry.

Oh, sh*t.

[Chuckles] But... how?

I mean, when would you have even...

♪

Oh, my god.

Sunday night Pilates.

There was no Pilates.

I would never do that to you.

What?

I don't like "Ballers", Todd.

I don't know if I ever did.

♪

Spoil it.

- No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [Applause]

Exterior. Night. The Wall.

A howl pierces through the darkness...

[Howls]

It's Ghost, Jon's direwolf.

What the hell? Is this
even the same river?

How the hell did I get lost?

♪

[Bird calling]

Florence!

Flooooreeeence!

Emma?!

Down here!

It's me! Your best friend Emma!

Why are you a... rock?!

Because I'm your rock.

'Cause that's what you said earlier.

That I was "your rock."

Look, I don't [bleep] know, man.
We're in your head.

♪

I'm so sorry I let you die.

Let me die?

You risked your life
trying to save me...

But I failed!

And now you're dead, and a stupid rock.

Karen's right. I'm useless.

Hey. You were the most
devoted friend I ever had.

You think that loyalty was useless?

Florence, these people need you.

Even if they don't always act like it.

♪

Thanks, Em.

So... do you wanna, like,
throw me in the river or some sh*t?

Like a goodbye...

Yeah.

♪

Bye, Em.

♪

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

[Dramatic music playing]

♪

[Men chanting]

[Chanting continues]

♪ ♪

[Both imitating dragons]

And with that,
Daenerys finally sets sail...

to Westeros.

End of season.

- Oh, my god!
- [Applause]

- Wow.
- Come on.

Gentlemen, that was... incredible!

Do you watch "Suits"?

What?

Nobody watches "Suits", man. Damn!

Fair enough. Th-Thanks!

Jess... I was wrong.

Maybe if I hadn't made us stop watching,

you wouldn't have been tempted to...

Shhhhh.

We'll start again.

Hell yeah.

♪

Khaleesi!

♪

They have water!

[Cheers and applause]

♪

Well that was pleasurable...

Here's what's going to happen.

You'll come by my tent every night,
after dark,

and sing me that song.

What's in it for me?

I'm kidding! Obviously, sex, isn't it?

With you.

We're finished here.

O-kay. Just get my pants.

Oh, and, um, Steve?

You tell anyone about this...
I'll k*ll you.

♪

Not the first time I've
heard that, actually.

Back home, they used to call
me "The Silent Lover."

- Leave.
- Yep.