04x05 - Chapter Sixty-Nine

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back, friends.

When we left our Jane,
she'd rekindled things

with her first love, Adam.

I am all in, Jane.

So, yeah. They were pretty smitten.

And speaking of smitten,

Jane's father Rogelio
had finally married

her mother Xiomara.

Only complication,

he had a baby with Darci.

And they named her...

Well, I'll let him explain.

First name, Baby.

My baby sister, Baby.

Yeah. And complicating that...

Oh.

...Darci started dating
his rival Esteban.

I know. Straight out of
a telenovela, right?

Which makes sense, because Rogelio

was a huge telenovela star.

Though right now, he was
playing someone very tiny,

who was swallowed by his love interest,

and was currently stuck inside her body.

Just go with it, okay?

And speaking of star-crossed lovers,

Jane and Rafael were
currently estranged.

See, he'd lost all his money,
and so he was scheming

against his sister Luisa
to get his hotel back.

For the last time, I am
doing this for my family!

And as for Luisa, well, she
made a new friend, Carl.

Only problem... Dr. Luisa introduced me

to her friend Carl,

but there was no one there.

So, yeah, Luisa was
definitely struggling.

But Raf didn't know that. He
just wanted his hotel back.

So he got into bed with hotel
financier Katherine Cortes.

Literally. But he had a change
of heart about using her.

And well, the consequences
came fast and furious.

I know.

OMG, right? So let's dive in.

Ah, friends.

As you well know, our
Jane played many roles.

And so, she had many labels.

She was a mother.

She was a lover.

She was a writer, of course.

But before she was any of those things,

she was a best friend.

To Lina.

Like my new hat?

I stole it from my sisters.

You're gonna get in so much trouble.

Of course, of the two,

Lina was the bold one.

She was adventurous.

Want me to teach you how
to put on eye makeup?

Yeah. But no wings.

Then what's even the point?

The kind of person who went for it.

Kiss him.

Which is why Jane knew

her bachelorette party had to be...

A s m*rder mystery theme?

Really?

I know. I was confused, too.

I had our favorite stripper on hold.

He's my favorite, too.

But, apparently, this is
what Lina and Danny want.

So, I will make it totally perfect.

Because that is my solemn
duty as Lina's lifetime BFF.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, don't tell me

that Dad can't get the costumes.

No. Sorry.

I just realized I forgot
to take the pill.

Again? Why are you even
still on the pill?

There are so many other options.

The ring, the sh*t, the patch, the cap.

Look at you, Planned Parenthood.

Thank you.

Anyway, I've tried a few.

Your dad just wants to pull out, but...

Oh. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna get going.

Please tell Dad thank you for
the costumes and the props.

Oh.

- Petra?
- Everything's fine.

There's nothing to worry about.

What do you mean? Worry about what?

I just said there's
nothing to worry about.

Well, that's a really weird
way to start a phone call.

- Rafael was in a little car accident.
- What?

Little?

He looks like he was
hit by a Mack truck.

Or, say, a late model sedan.

But he's fine. Truly.

Uh, actually, we're just
about to get discharged,

- so I'm just letting you know.
- Okay.

Well, tell him...

- I'm glad he's okay.
- I will.

I'm telling you, it wasn't an accident.

Oh, I'm sure. I mean, you
basically told Katherine

you were using her
before the deal closed.

What were you thinking?

I just couldn't go through with it.

Oh.

You got Villanuevaed.

That's not true.

Or even if it is a little true,

I never would've worked
with Katherine long-term.

Obviously, because
she's completely nuts.

Oh, you don't think so?

My sister tried to drown me at sea.
I have a high bar.

All right.

You are officially discharged.

Wound care.

Keep an eye on the color.

We don't want to be seeing green pus.

We want to see red blood.

This stuff is terrific. Terrific!

Please tell your dad thanks.

Does he want to come, by the way?
Or your mom?

We still have some roles to assign.

He'll be sh**ting, but I'll ask my mom.

Yeah, tell your grandma to come, too.

That's a great idea!

We need a dowager.

- Seriously?
- Hey!

So sorry I'm late, babe.

Oh, my God. Still with the "babe."

I mean, nice to see you again.

Don't mess things up this time.

I'm trying really hard not to.

- Congratulations, bride-to-be.
- Thank you.

This is my fiancé, Danny.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You look so familiar.

Yeah, you do, too, actually.

Did you ever live in New York?

Yeah. Fort Greene.

Oh, I had a bunch of friends there.

Uh, do you know Joey Brixton?

- Jenny Lawson?
- Mm...

Let me check our mutuals.

See? They're destined to be friends.

Wait.

Yeah, you two used to date, right?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Oh, sh-she's really pretty.

Not her.

Him.

Oh.

Cool.

He's also very pretty.

So, you're bisexual?

If you're into labels.

You date men and women?

I had a boyfriend in art school
when everyone was experimenting,

and another in Fort Greene
when everyone wasn't.

Cool.

It's just, we've had so many long talks.

How come you never mentioned this?

It just didn't really
feel that relevant.

I mean, more relevant than who'd win

in an epic battle between
Batman and Wolverine.

Which has been discussed at length.

And I guess I was nervous.

It's become an issue with
people I've dated before.

Well, you've nev n dated me before.

Okay, you have.

N-Not recently.

My point is, is...

I'm totally okay with it.

You have exes, I have exes.

Everybody has exes.

I'm trying, I'm trying!

- How hard can it be? Just...
- Don't-don't pull!

I'm sorry! I'm just a little stressed.

Nursemaid.

Don't be. We're gonna
find another investor,

and we'll make another offer.

Unless Katherine tells
Luisa what we were doing.

The woman already ran me over.

I think she got her revenge.

I know Rafael was working
with Katherine Cortes.

Guess she wanted a little more.

What are you doing here? Security!

- Someone call security!
- Luisa! Luisa!

Rafael was just in an awful
car accident. Look at him.

Please. Like I would ever

fall for that. It's
obviously a sympathy ploy.

- What?
- Ah. Oh.

- So it's not a sympathy ploy.
- Luisa, please.

Can he just stay here
till he gets better?

Look, there's a guest room.

No. And if you ever step foot

on my property again, I
will have you arrested.

When did you become such a nasty,

- hateful person...
- Me? Me? No.

- You're the horrible person,
- ...incapable of forgiveness

- and compassion?!
- You can pretend you're not, but you are.

You're obsessed with money and power,

just like Dad.

Mommy!

Everything's fine.

Why don't you take the girls
down to the gift shop?

We don't really need
another sparkly turtle.

Which brings us to...

Alba.

See, she, too, plays many roles.

_

_

Jorge's girlfriend.

Hi, girls.

What can I get for you?

Top merchandiser.

Daddy's getting kicked
out of the hotel again,

so we're supposed to buy something.

_

And captain of Team Rafael.

You said it was a little car accident.

Well, technically, Petra said that.

What happened, Daddy?

I didn't look both ways
before I crossed the street.

_

_

_

Hmm?

What happened? Where were you?

I broke up with Katherine.

I told her the truth,

that I was using her,

and she got pissed and
tried to run me over.

- What?
- Yeah.

She's denying it, but
she did it on purpose.

And yes,

you were right. About her,
and about this whole thing

being a bad idea, but
I really don't need

"I told you so" right now, okay?

Rafael.

What has happened to you?

To us?

That you think I would ever say that?

I'm just happy that you're okay,

and I just really want us to be okay.

Yup. Just a fantasy.

Here's what she really said.

Well, let me know if you need anything.

I'm gonna go to bed.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

- Oh.
- Hi.

What's going on?

I just wanted to stop by.

Danny's at the airport,

picking up some of his
friends for the party.

Hmm. Oh. You okay?

Totally, yes.

But listen, I'd love for you

to spend some time with
Danny this weekend.

One-on-one.

Oh. Sure.

I'd love to get to know him better.

Perfect. Great.

Because I'm not sure I should marry him,

and I need you to tell me what to do.

- Lina, back up.
- Oh, God.

What's going on?

Did you and Danny fight?

No. We never fight.

And maybe that's part of the problem.

Uh, what problem?

Where is this even coming from?

My sisters staged an intervention.

They are convinced that
I'm making a mistake.

They think I'll be vorced by Christmas.

A-And what if they're right?

They know me.

And they've all been divorced.

Which just means they picked
badly for themselves,

not that you did.

Come on. You fell in love
with Danny for a reason.

What are some of the thi
ts you love about him?

Well, he's-he's so sweet,

and smart and so supportive.

Plus, he's great in bed.

God, what a nightmare. You poor thing.

But he's such a square sometimes.

What do you mean?

He has bisexual friends
from Fort Greene.

This m*rder mystery theme?

It was supposed to be

a bachelor/bachelorette party.

Why would he think that I would
like something like that?

I don't want to have to
learn a bunch of new words

for my bachelorette party.

What the hell is a dowager?!

A widow who got her title
from her late husband.

Look, Lina, I was...

surprised by the theme, too.

See? And, Jane, he likes to ski.

You know how much I hate the cold.

Plus, he doesn't have a
spontaneous bone in his body.

What if I want us to quit our jobs

and travel the world for a year?

I mean, do you?

Assuming it's first-class airfare

and five-star hotels, which
he would never go for

because he's so freaking practical!

Okay, you're spiraling.

I know.

Which is why I need you
to tell me what to do.

Not your place, and not your role.

Just tell Lina that Danny is great,

and you're completely on
board with the two of them.

It's just the two of us. No Baby.

But she asked for my help.

I mean, don't I owe it to her

to give my honest
opinion no matter what?

If you want to stay
friends with her, no.

I absolutely want to
stay friends with you.

Sexy friends.

Tell Dad I can hear him.

It's a lose-lose

situation, Janie.

If you say he sucks,

and she marries him anyway,

that will always be between you.

And again, friends,

there was just so much
she wanted to say.

Trust me, just leave
well enough alone, Jane.

Now what's wrong?

There's something I want
to talk with you about

before we have sex.

Okay, a quick something, huh?

- Ideally.
- Mm.

I want you to get a vasectomy.

Oh... I think

it's a language thing, you know,
but I thought you said...

I did. I want you to get a vasectomy.

Are you insane, woman?!

It's a very common and safe procedure,

and I'm tired of taking the pill.

Well, then, tie your tubes.

That's an invasive surgery.

A vasectomy is just a snip...
in and out.

Well, the answer is no.

I'm not being... neutered,
and that's that.

Never. No way. It's not gonna happen.

Stop being such a baby.

Well, "Baby" is the
greatest name in the world,

so I will take that as a compliment,

no matter how it was intended.

And speaking of penis panic...

Here you go.

- Nice tats.
- Oh, thanks.

So, is... is that your type?

- What?
- Just asking.

If I'm into the waiter?

I, uh, I didn't notice,

because I'm with you.

Right.

Sorry, I'm acting weird.

I'm just trying to
wrap my head around it

because I'm not into women.

Maybe. Or maybe you just haven't

explored that side of yourself.

Just to let you know, my shift is over,

but my colleague Justine
will treat you right.

It's been a pleasure.

Is that a yes on the refill?

Sorry, yes. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Hey, look, is this something
that's gonna get in our way?

What? No.

Because you seem pretty hung up on it.

Honestly, I'm not.

I'm completely hung up on it.
And I don't want to be.

Well, it makes sense that you are.

Yeah, because it took
him so long to tell me.

And because there's a
double standard, you know?

When women hook up,
it's looked at as sexy,

but men are immediately marginalized

because our whole culture
revolves around the male gaze.

_

_

I'm not exactly following all that,

but I hear you about
the double standards.

Your dad's k*lling me.

He said no to the vasectomy?

Again, he started talking
about pulling out.

- Ma... ugh!
- _

Again, I'm pulling out
of this conversation.

We were talking about Ro's vasectomy.

Ah.

_

_

He owns more makeup than I do.

He's campaigning to be
the next Cover Girl.

_

_

_

- Mom!
- _

_

_

Okay, now I'm pulling out
of this conversation.

Ah, the good old days.

Is this a farthing or a tuppence?

I'm gonna say a tuppence.

Oh.

Sorry, trick question. It's a ha'penny.

Oh.

Uh, so, where is Lina?

Running a last-minute errand.

Oh...

_

Guess Jane's spending

that one-on-one time
with Danny right now.

Ah, yes, we last left our Jane

in a most uncomfortable role.

_

_

_

_

So, uh, have you done a
m*rder mystery party before?

Yep. Never been the Duke though.

- Hmm.
- I've been the Constable

and the Butler before.

Stuck being the Silversmith twice.

Don't even get me started.

I think you started.

Sure, I may have rigged it

so I was assigned the
part, but I figure I can,

since I'm the groom and all.

I mean, if not now, when, right?

Quick, Jane,

think of something to say.

Uh, so, you're an accountant, right?

I am, indeed.

And how long have you
been doing that for?

Five years.

No, six.

No, wait, five. Definitely five.

Five. Great.

And, uh, if you weren't an accountant...

You know what, six!

Thought he was good with numbers.

Six. Got it.

And if you weren't an accountant,

and you could have any job in
the world, what would it be?

You know, I actually like
being an accountant.

It's steady, consistent...

I don't like a lot of drama.

This is the most dramatic scene

in the whole telenovela.

- I know!
- Oh, thank God.

I was starting to fall asleep.

But I cannot find the truth in it.

And finding the truth is very important

to my journey as an actor.

The truth is that you're saying good-bye

to the kidney stone that has been

your steadfast companion
for your journey

down the lady scientist's urinary tract.

Come on, this is our
big Cast Away rip-off.

Homage. And I'm just having trouble

connecting with the good-bye speech.

Well, I'm sure you'll
find it on the day.

That's lunch.

Ah, yes, you'll recall

Ro and Esteban recently had a
relationship breakthrough.

I hate him. Stay calm.

Yeah, it didn't last.

Hi, guys.

I call this the Bond and Tone.

Keeps me fit and firm, and
puts Baby right down.

Well, she's going to wake
up when you transfer her.

Oh, don't worry, I have
this down to a science.

Yes... oh.

I just take to child
rearing so naturally.

In fact, Darci and I are already
talking about number two.

The only number two you're
having is in the bathroom.

You never had a number one.

Hey, Esteban,

what if Darci didn't want another kid?

Oh, well, of course, it's up to her.

Whatever Darci desires.

Wow.

Sounds like you'd do anything for her.

Of course. If she is happy,

I am happy.

- Very clever.
- Just proving a point.

Would snipping me really
make you happy, Xiomara?

It would.

And I think it would
make you happy, too.

Are you not wearing a bra?

Looks like someone's taking

her mother's advice. I
must have forgotten.

- Mm.
- It's funny. I didn't realize

how much the fear of getting pregnant

was holding me back, sexually.

- Go on.
- Well, maybe it's silly,

but I feel like once that
tiny bit of fear is lifted,

I'll be able to fully express myself.

- Mm.
- And it would be so simple, really.

Just snip, snip.

Boom.

All right, make the appointment.

Boom.

- Are you okay?
- My laptop fell,

I-I didn't mean to wake you.

It's-it's okay. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

And, friends, again,

there was so much to say,

but that wasn't Jane's role anymore.

Then why aren't you asleep?

But she didn't care.

What is it?

Rafael...

I don't... I don't know,
I just feel, um...

...lost.

I keep replaying everything

in my mind that happened,

and how I got here.

I mean, she ran me over.

And then I think about
the hotel, you know.

And the money... like, what
if it's all really gone?

But then I get mad at myself because

then I sound like my father...
or my ex-father.

And then I know I shouldn't
even be thinking that

because I'm lucky to be alive.

And I know that.

I'm lucky.

It's okay to not feel lucky.

You shouldn't even be talking to me.

Hey, you're family.

Family shows up.

Plus, you know I love you.

Not romantically.

You think I should, um,
just give it all up?

Just forget about the...

the trust and the hotel
and just start over?

It doesn't matter what I think.

I think that I have to.

Uh, you can, you can go back to bed now.

I know.

Ah, friends, we left with change

upon the horizon.

- Is that better?
- Yes.

So, I prepared a few
questions about the...

Castration? ...procedure.

First, you've worked on
other celebrity penises?

Yes. I've done vasectomies
for many other celebrities.

- Who?
- I can't say specspically,

but, uh, pretty big stars.

More or less famous
than Michael Douglas?

Exactly as famous as Michael Douglas.

The snipping, is it painful?

Not at all. We use a local anesthetic.

What if I change my mind?

The procedure is totally
reversible and, of course,

this will make things much
easier for your wife.

That's why I'm here.

She already had her
life derailed by Baby.

Oh, you had a baby.

Yes, my baby Baby.

Just continue.

I want to do this for you.

Great.

But I just don't think I can.

Also having trouble
pulling the trigger...

Oh, Jane.

Here you are.

Finally.

What did you think?

- Hmm?
- About Danny.

Just tell Lina that Danny is great

and you're completely on
board with the two of them.

He's great. I'm completely on board.
Marry him.

Yeah? What-what made you think that?

Well, he's-he's really interesting

and smart and he clearly
loves you so much.

So you have absolutely no doubts?

- Yes.
- You hesitated.

- I didn't.
- Lady, give it to me.

Now.

Okay, look...

it was a little hard to
find a groove with him,

you know, conversationally.

Because he's boring!

I knew it! I didn't say "boring."

Well, not exactly.

Oh, my God.

What was I thinking?

We are complete opposites.

I should be with someone sexy

and edgy and bisexual, like Adam.

Do you think I should
call off the wedding?

No.

I talked to the guy for minutes.

A-And it's not about me,
Lina, or your sisters.

It's about you. How do you feel?

How do I feel?

Bad, Carl. Bad.

You were supposed to help me

get the money, which I still don't have,

and my ex-brother just
keeps lying and scheming.

Well, throw something else, then.
Let it out.

Good idea.

- How long has this been going on?
- A while.

And there's something else.

Spare me the dramatic pause.

Last week, I overheard
Magda and Anezka talking.

Dr. Luisa introduce me
to her friend Carl,

but there was no one there.

She just be talking to the air.

Are you absolutely
sure they said "Carl"?

I have to go.

Carl?

- Are you sure?
- That's what Krishna said.

I just thought you should know.

What's happening?

Who's Carl?

Do you remember when I
told you that Luisa

had a, had a nervous breakdown
during her medical residency?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, she went into a psychosis

and said that someone named Carla

told her she had to
barge into surgeries,

take over and save lives.

But there was no Carla.

It was a hallucination.

And she didn't believe anyone but me.

I got to talk to her.

Try to get her to accept help.

See? You show up, too.

Wow.

You are a sight for sore eyes.

- Thanks for the costume.
- Of course.

And I'm sorry I'm working tonight.

A-And I'm also sorry
about the procedure.

I-I really wanted to do it for you.

- Don't say that.
- But it's true.

It's not or you'd just

- get over your machismo.
- It's not machismo.

- It is.
- It's not.

- Then what is it?
- I'm turning into an old man, Xo!

It's true.

I have gray hairs and things sag.

I'm in the makeup chair longer every day

and no matter what I do,
it's just happening.

I can't stop it.

And this... just feels like...

I don't know, like I'm
moving onto the next stage,

the old man stage...

...which, I know, sounds silly.

It doesn't. It actually makes sense.

Really? Because I was kind
of hoping you'd tell me

I'm still the same hot, young
stud you met years ago.

You are to me.

And you always will be.

Don't worry about the vasectomy.

I'll figure something out.

Did you figure out your costume?

Did he ever. He was trying
it on for me last night,

posing like no one's business.

All right, later, guys.
I'm late for work.

No, Jane, don't ask.

What?

Nothing.

Were you wondering if
I hooked up with him?

Say no.

- I was. I'm sorry.
- Seriously?

- I'm sorry. It's just...
- That you can't deal.

I'm trying.

It's throwing me.

Obviously.

But I think it's because
you didn't give me

a chance to react.

You immediately said
that people acted weird,

which meant that I couldn't act weird.

Well, don't worry. You did.

- But that's why.
- Maybe.

Or maybe I was right.

Once you knew, things would change.

Don't you have to meet Danny

with the rest of that party stuff?

Yeah.

I'll see you tonight?

Maybe.

Ah!

Hi. I am so sorry I'm late.

- Traffic was awful.
- No problem.

Hey, have you talked to Lina lately?

Something seems off.

You mean besides the fact

that she's not sure
she should marry you?

Really? S-She seems fine to me.

No, I can tell something's wrong.

She isn't talking as much. And
our waitress this morning

had really bad highlights,
and she didn't say anything

and you know how sensitive
Lina is to bad highlights.

- That's totally true.
- My guess is

she's unhappy about the
m*rder mystery theme,

which I knew she wouldn't be that into.

Y-You did?

Yeah, but I thought it
would be a great cover

'cause I also know as much as
she hates m*rder mysteries,

she loves surprises.

And I have a really big one planned.

Y-You do?

My groomsmen and I are planning

a little something that's more Lina

once the m*rder mystery is solved.

There will be glitter,

penises, cake... ooh, and a striptease.

- Oh.
- By me.

Wow.

You know Lina really well.

W-Why would you think
I didn't know Lina?

No reason.

Did Lina say that?

That I didn't know her?

Is that why she's been acting so weird?

- That's it, isn't it?
- No, no.

I-I'm the one that said something.

What?

I told Lina that I had doubts
about your compatibility

because of our kind of
awkward conversation.

That conversation was awkward
because you were asking me

all these strange questions
and I was trying to be polite

because I wanted to
make a good impression

on my fiancée's overprotective friend.

Whatever, uh... I'll
see you at the party.

- Well... yeah.
- Yeah,

Looks like Danny does bring
the drama after all.

Prepare, friends,

for a night of mystery, drama,
and some very fine acting.

Oh, no!

Ladies and gents,

chaps and birds, I've
most dismaying news.

Ignacio de Lorenzo of Seville,

the most celebrated
matador in all of España

and honored guest of our host,

the Duke...

_

...has been found dead...

...in the manor's maze garden!

And what's worse,

the m*rder*r is among us.

Ah, so nice to be investigating

a pretend m*rder at the
Marbella for once.

Okay, we need to talk real quick.

We are supposed to stay in character.

Oui, Clara?

_

That's right, Renée.

_

I was % wrong about Danny
and you should % marry him.

It's all good, old chap.

Okay. So, then, why is he
sh**ting you the death glare?

Because he found out about the sussing.

- What?
- No, but it's fine.

I said it was my idea.

He thinks you had nothing to do with it

and the important thing is

is that you're perfect for each other

and I can't wait to come
to your wedding, old chap.

Really?

Ladies and gentlemen,

a suspect has emerged.

There's apparently a lunatic

from the asylum on the loose.

No. You're wrong.

Carl is not like Carla.

Carl is real.

He's not.

Think about it, Luisa.

No one's seen him but you.

Because he has to keep
his identity a secret.

I know how that sounds,

but there is someone
else who's seen him.

- Anezka.
- She didn't.

Krishna overheard Anezka saying

that no one was there.

You were alone.

Oh, good. You're together.

Hopefully not trashing me
at my own bachelor party.

- Of course not.
- I wouldn't say of course.

- Danny, stop.
- Sorry, I'm mad.

- Danny. I overstepped.
- She was trying to break us up.

No, she wasn't.

I asked Jane if she thought
we should get married.

It's not true. It's not. Carl is real

and this is one of your lies.

- He's not, Luisa.
- He has blue eyes

and a peppered beard and
he uses an inhaler.

This is your mind playing tricks on you.

No! I don't believe you.

I don't believe this.

You don't want to marry me?

- Lina.
- Carl?!

- Carl!
- Lina, answer.

Please, Carl, answer.

- Yes?
- I don't know.

What should I do?

Proof!

I demand proof!

We haven't always seen eye
to eye, but I trust you.

So, I'm asking you

to tell me the truth.

You see Carl here, right?

Uh...

- Anezka?
- No.

I am sorry, Dr. Luisa,
there is no one there.

Carl, say something.

Well, it doesn't matter if
I'm real to her, Luisa.

I'm real to you.

You hear that, right?

Anezka, come on, he's right here!

Okay, beautiful doctor.

Uh, hello to you, Carl.

Uh, I am loving your sweater.

He's right over here and
he's wearing a T-shirt.

Okay, you just tell me what I see.

No. I...

I don't understand.

If you can't see Carl, why
didn't you say anything

the other night outside the hotel?

Because I did not want to
embarrass beautiful doctor.

What's wrong with me?

Nothing, I promise, you're just scared.

Because he's just not who
I pictured myself with.

So what?

He's who you fell for.

And he has so many amazing qualities.

I know.

But I shouldn't have these doubts

if I'm marrying him, right?

Everyone has doubts.

Did you, with Michael?

There's just so much we haven't
talked about, basic stuff.

Marriage stuff. Tomorrow's
just the wedding.

And the rehearsal was a disaster.

What if tomorrow's awful?

Huge doubts.

We made a list, actually.

A very long list

of all the things that
we needed to discuss.

Danny loves lists.

He makes them constantly.

Aw, a man after my own heart.

He even has phone alerts

to remind him to do what's on the lists.

How have I not thought of that?

And friends, that's when

Lina suddenly realized the
role Danny played in her life.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I'm marrying the male version of you.

I mean, Danny is organized and smart

and responsible and kind of nerdy.

I mean, he's you!

And you're the longest
relationship that I've ever had.

Aw, you're the longest
relationship I've ever had.

I love you, Jane.

I love you, too.

What the hell? Huh?

Were you gonna kiss me?

What?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

I mean...

Yeah, I was.

Oh...

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I was thinking.

Seemed like you were
thinking of making out

with your best friend.

I guess I'm still a little freaked out

by Adam's big bisexuality reveal.

Well, a pretty smart friend once told me

that you fall for who you fall for.

Yeah, but this is different.

I'm not freaked out by his sexuality,

I'm freaked out that he kept it from me.

- Hmm.
- What?

As your best friend in the world

and the person you just
tried to make out with,

that's a bunch a crap.

Excuse me?

Don't try to make this about him hiding.

Figure out what's really going on.

Oh... well, I-I guess it's because...

Lady? Tell him.

Not me.

Because it's my freaking
bachelorette party

and I need to go tell my fiancé

that I can't wait to marry him.

- Go! Go!
- Okay.

Mwah.

Any more and you couldn't handle it.

_

_

_

Did you buy it?

Uh, sure?

Of course you didn't,

because I'm talking to a
Styrofoam kidney stone!

Aren't you supposed to, like...

pretend it's something else?

You know?

Something that means something to you?

All right, this scene moves
us to the next stage.

And friends,

it was one of those moments

when art and life come together.

Suddenly, Rogelio knew exactly
how to access that emotion.

Cut!

How dare you!

- I was in the moment!
- I know,

and it was fantastic.

It's just that your eye line was off.

It kind of looked like you
were talking to your penis.

Really?

Well, just go again.

Danny and I just had the hottest sex.

Oh...

I've never done it in a bathroom before.

At the Marbella.

At my own bachelorette party.

Oh, my God.

That's my man.

You look like you're having fun.

Yeah, can I go?

Your dad just texted.

He's getting snipped.

No more pulling out...

Ma, again with the pulling out.

All right, this time I'm pulling out.

_

Can we talk?

So, yeah.

It wasn't that you waited
a long time to tell me.

It was what you told me.

Which became pretty clear
after I tried to kiss Lina.

- What?
- I know.

It was a momentary lapse of judgment.

But you're obviously right.

I did freak out.

I guess I-I...

I just have questions.

Which are silly and stupid...

No. Ask me.

Is being bisexual a stop?

O-On your way to coming out as gay?

Definitely not.

Um, it just means that
I'm open to a connection

with a man or a women.

What else you got?

Well, I guess I feel a
little insecure, you know.

It's not like I can give
you what a man can.

Well, yeah, you're right, you can't.

But you can't give me what other
women can give me, either.

But it doesn't matter, because
I choose to be with you.

I don't want to be with anyone else,

regardless of gender.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

We're in a monogamous relationship.

Which means that you're not
allowed to kiss anyone else.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel any better,
she hard core rejected me.

Well, then she's an idiot.

Oh, Bob...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- It's Jim, right?
- Yeah.

This is Mark.

You see Mark, right?

Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm checking myself into
a psychiatric hospital.

Or a wellness center if
you believe the brochure.

I can't go down this path again.

Well, I'm... really glad
that you're getting help.

After everything that's happened,

the fact that...

you're still looking out for me, it...

Thank you.

And you can have your hotel shares back.

What?

That's not why I helped you.

I know.

That's why I'm giving them back.

_

Hey, you.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Luisa's going to get help.

That's great.

And she's giving me
back my hotel shares.

- What?
- Yeah.

She's giving everything back.

See?

You do the right thing
and good things happen.

Oh, Jane,

after all your telenovela watching,

you should know by now, that's not true.

I know it's not how you
wanted to get the hotel back,

but it's still a good thing.

My sister signed this last night.

All the shares are now back in my name.

Oh, well, unfortunately, due
to your sister's mental state,

she's not allowed to change
any contractual agreement.

- What does that mean?
- It reverts

to the original agreement
she signed six weeks ago,

which stated in the event
of her incapacitation,

all her hotel shares go to...

I am new owner of Marbella!

Good job, Anton.

We did it.

I did tell you

there would be some very fine acting.

What Jane wants to say.

- I'm so proud of you.
- I love you.

- What Jane says.
- Thanks.

But with the help of bestselling
novelist Isabel Allende...

Love, passion and k*lling.

Jane just might say it,

So I...