02x23 - It's Tricky

[bunniefuu]

Check it out, people.

The lair of Wraith,
notorious bounty hunter.

- I am Groot.
- Got that right, bud.

I heard he's got some of the best
boom in the galaxy stashed here.

And since he just got arrested,
it's only a matter of time

before the wrong folks
loot his hideout.

Ah, as we are looting it now.

Eh, but we're the right folks, Drax.

Any weapons we find go straight
to Nova Corps for safekeeping.

Eh, minus percent for expenses.

It doesn't bother you we haven't
encountered any defenses

in the lair of a villain
who's all about weapons?

Specifically shape-shifting weapons.

Seriously, Rocket? I mean,
did you lead us to the lair

of Wraith the Bounty Hunter,
or Wraith the Accountant?

I don't know. He's supposed to
be some type of super-assassin.

I guess he likes his digs less super.

There were weapons. We're too late.

The nerve of some people, clearing
out the place before we could!

Now, in my experience,
people never leave

the good stuff in plain view.

Ha-ha!

Wait. This isn't... It can't be.

- Tactigon.
- What's a Tactigon?

Oh, it's just one of the most
powerful weapons in the galaxy.

My personal Pinnacle of Boom!

It automatically identifies the weakness
of the enemy of whoever wields it,

then transforms into the w*apon
that'll destroy that enemy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No way your sausage fingers
can evade those lasers.

Drax the Destroyer
does not evade lasers.

Lasers evade Drax the Destroyer.

I am Groot!

Definitely not Wraith the Accountant.

Aw, krutack.

Use the Tactigon!

It's a blaster. Just point
it and sh**t something!

Eat Tactigon!

Okay, I don't think it works.

Figure it out later.

I'll make a door.

Groot, open it.

I am Groot!

He cuts back, avoids a tackle!

Oh, what a move!

He could go all the way!

♪♪ Touchdown Guardians!

Go, Quill! Go, Quill!

- Our ship has already touched down.
- That's not what I...

Anyway, point is, we scored, and
everything turned out perfectly. Huh?

Think again.

I've put together enough bombs to
know a countdown when I see one.

Wraith must have booby-trapped
it to self-destruct

if anyone but him tried to use it.

- Then I will destroy it.
- No!

This is an Omega-level w*apon.
If its power is unleashed...

It'll take out half the galaxy.

So disarm it already.

Ugh!

Definitely booby-trapped.

And I can't read the clock,
so I don't know how long we got.

This thing could detonate at any time!

Time. That's it. If we can't stop
the countdown in the w*apon,

we'll stop time around the
w*apon so it'll never explode.

We'd need a Temporal Stasis Field
to do that. We don't have one.

No. But I know who does.

Wanna run that by me
one more time, Quill?

It's really simple, Dey. We're
just gonna swing by Nova Corps HQ

and drop off this thing that, you
know, could blow up the universe.

Uh-huh. Nice try, Quill.

But as you can see from my new hairdo,

I'm very aware of what day it is.

Oh! Who got you?

Oh, you should see
the look on your face!

Uh-huh. Better pranking next year.

No. Wait, wait, wait! We got...

What did Dey mean by "pranking"?

It's not important right now.

Peter Quill, you know
you're forbidden on Xandar

during the Feast
of the Three Grinning Moons.

Set foot on this planet for any reason,

and you'll be thrown
out of orbit so fast

your jet boots will spin.

Am I clear?

Oh, Nova Prime,
someone got you so good!

You should see the look
on your face right now.

What the flarg is the Feast
of the Three Grinning Moons?

Yeah. That. Okay. Um...

So, every year, Xandar has a festival when
the planet's moons all form, well, smiles.

And to celebrate, there's
a party across the planet

where everyone pranks
and plays jokes on each other.

Back in the day,
when I was still a Ravager,

me and Yondu were
the best there was at pranking.

Actually, I taught Yondu
everything he knows.

- Yeah, boyo.
- Man!

So Nova Prime banished you
over a mustache?

I know, right?
Just a total overreaction.

We need Nova's Temporal Stasis Field

to stop this thing from blowing up,

so you better hope
they're in a forgiving mood.

Nova Tower Control to Milano.

Your landing permit has been suspended.

Turn away immediately,
or you will be fired upon.

Corpsman, you do not understand the
danger. We are running out of time.

Can't you give a break to the guys
who saved your entire planet?

The law is the law, Quill.

Xandar's defenses
now register your vessel

as an enemy ship
for the duration of the Feast.

I suggest you return after it's over.

Okay.

Definitely not a forgiving mood.

Whoa! Dey, wait!

Come on. Tell your
defenses to cease fire.

See, that's the
thing about automated defenses.

They're automated. I don't have
to tell them to do anything.

You might wanna take the hint, Quill.

We really don't want you on Xandar

during the Feast
of the Three Grinning Moons.

Well, too bad, Dey, 'cause this is
a Code Double-Secret Emergency,

which clearly supersedes
your banishing of me.

That's not a thing, Quill.
You just made that up.

I... Nuh-uh.

Quill, you're aware if we blow up,

so does the Tactigon and,
by extension, half the galaxy?

I agree. And I propose a new strategy.

I will take the controls.
The lasers will evade me.

You don't get the concept
of lasers, do you?

So how about a concept
of getting past them?

No problem. Got a spare ship on ya?

What are you talking about?
We got five of them.

Maybe the pods
won't register as enemy ships.

They're still sh**ting at us, Quill.

But now we're much smaller targets.

Small enough to get through
the defense grid.

Ha-ha! We're in!

Here comes the welcome wagon.

Drax will welcome them
with much destruction.

No, no, no, no, no. This is good.

If they arrest us,
they have to process us,

and that means
confiscating the Tactigon

and sticking it safely
in their Temporal Stasis Field.

Nice try, Quill,
but you're not landing.

Starblasters, escort
those pods back into orbit.

Wait. No. Arrest us! Ple... Please?

Fine. Let a pro handle this.

Right. That's it.

Hey!

I want that guy's
name and badge number!

And an address where I can
send him a ticking package.

Yeah. And speaking of ticking
packages, we're halfway there.

Don't worry. I'll work the Quill
charm on whoever's in charge.

Will you now, Quill?

Corpsman Dey! Hi. I,
for one, am glad to see you.

Remember that object I told you

we were bringing over that's gonna
blow up the galaxy?

Well, that's it! It's... That's
the one and only Tactigon!

The Tactigon?

Corpsman, we need to get this
into the Temporal Stasis Field right away!

Uh, nah. Just kidding.

Hmm.

Seriously, Quill,

you think we're gonna fall
for that lame gag?

I expect more from you.
Especially after your last prank.

What, the mustache on Nova Prime thing?

You told them that was the prank
that got you banned from the Feast?

Transport them to their ship in orbit.

But... But the Tactigon!

And make sure they take that
obviously fake Tactigon with them.

What? No, no, no, no, no!
Wait! Dey, listen!

Not listening.

I am Groot!

Yeah, I can't believe
the galaxy is gonna be destroyed

because of some stupid prank neither.

I believe it. Quill is involved.

Quill, confess the true
nature of your prank

that has caused us
so many complications.

Fine.

Every year, the Feast
of the Grinning Moons

crowns a Prankster King.

Me and Yondu were always
competing for the title,

and, you know, one of our pranks
got out of hand.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, come on.
The Kree Supreme Intelligence

looked like a big punch bowl.

It's hilarious. They...
They did not think so at all.

Nearly causing an intergalactic w*r?

Yeah, uh, that'll get you banned.

I can see now why Nova Corps believes
you are here to prank them again.

So we'll use it to our advantage.

- If Rocket ever gets us out...
- I'm out.

I disabled the locks a while ago.

Yeah. I was actually
interested in Quill's story.

Will you stop wasting time
with the truth and listen up?

We go back to Nova Corps HQ, and I
prank them, just like they expect.

So while they chase me around...

We break in and get Tactigon
into the Temporal Stasis Field.

Why would all the Nova Corps
chase just one man?

Oh, I'm not just one man.
I'm the Prankster King.

I'm gonna hit the ladies' room.

That was quick. Wha...

- ♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪
- Do you always carry such

curious weaponry on your person?

- I am the Prankster King.
- ♪ Lookin' for adventure ♪

♪ And whatever comes our way ♪

♪ Yeah, darlin', go make it happen ♪

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

- ♪ Fire all of your g*ns at once ♪
- Huh?

♪ And explode into space ♪

Huh?

♪ Heavy metal thunder ♪

- I am Groot.
- ♪ Racin' with the wind ♪

- For pranking! For glory!
- ♪ And the feelin' that I'm under ♪

♪ Yeah, darlin', go make it happen ♪

Quill...

All units, he's back!

Repeat: The Prankster King is back!

Yoo-hoo!

Neener-neener!

Oh, that's right. Uh-huh, that's right.

I T.P.'d your Starblaster.
What are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do? Oh, look!
Another Starblaster!

Whatever shall I do
with all this toilet paper?

I'm picking up an unidentified
blockage in Air Shaft -B.

- Moving to investigate.
- Negative that, Corpsman.

We have exploding toilets
on Level One-Niner.

All units deploy, stat!

These guys really got it in for Quill.
I like 'em.

Hey! Stop right there!

Oh, you should see
the look on your face...

I'm gonna put you where you
can't make any more trouble.

You took us to the prisoner level?

Relax.

This terminal should give us an idea where
they keep the Temporal thingamajig.

Wraith! What are you doing here?

He was arrested. That is why we were
able to loot his hide...

Slipped out of my cell while the guards
were chasing some fool prankster.

Question is, what are you doing here?

You gotta believe me. We stole that
crazy w*apon from Wraith's hideout!

I heard a rumor
somebody looted my lair.

Now I know who.

So what are you gonna do about it?

We're armed. You ain't.

Hit the armory before I came here.

Now I'm gonna hit you.

I am Groot!

I am Groot.

It'll grow back!
Which beats burnin' to a crisp!

Wait! Drax, that's the main console!

Was it important?

Only if you want the
other inmates locked up.

Now, you're gonna tell me where you
hid the weapons you stole from me.

You want weapons? I'll show ya weapons!

You gotta believe me, Dey.

I'm not pranking you! Whoa!

Uh-huh.

And it looks like I'm gonna
get a chance to prove it.

Hiya, boyo.

- Aah!
- Thanks.

Sure. Can I have my w*apon back?

Timed that perfect...

They hate it when you tap on the glass.

Prisoners of Cellblock , return
to your enclosures immediately.

And why would we do that?

When we outnumber you?

Whoa. Dey!

This jailbreak another prank, Quill?
'Cause I'm not laughing.

I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

Uh, guys?

We got more pressing matters.

Oh, brilliant. You guys found Wraith

and asked him how to disable
the Tactigon, right?

Actually, we never had the chance
to obtain that information.

Wait. Are you saying
the Tactigon is real?

Please, just trust me.

Get this thing
in the Temporal Stasis Field.

I'll do it. If and only if you
apologize for your last big prank.

The one that got you banned for
life from Xandar during the Feast.

The one that got you
named "Prankster King."

Let me guess.

It wasn't when you turned the Supreme
Intelligence's t*nk into a punch bowl.

Okay. Look, it was a few years back

at the Feast
of the Four Grinning Moons...

Wait. Four grinning moons?

So, anyway, I thought, wouldn't
it be great if we could celebrate

the Feast of
the Grinning Moons every day?

And now for the finale.

Okay, that's bad.

You blew up the...

So... So... So you actually
blew up the fourth moon!

I'm sorry, okay? I'm really, really,

really, really, really,
really, really sorry.

Okay, Quill. I believe you now.

And I believe this thing's
about to blow,

along with Xandar
and half the krutackin' galaxy!

I just hope we can freeze it in the
time loop before it's too late.

Stasis Field's in the vault! Go!

Now, you're gonna tell me where you
hid the weapons you stole from me.

Wraith! Just the guy we're looking for!

Quick, tell us how
to shut down the Tactigon.

No idea what you're talking about.

I am Groot.

I am Groot!

Seriously? Tactigon?

Omega-level w*apon that can wipe out the
galaxy? Any of this ringing a bell?

Aah!

Shut down the Tactigon,
or I shut you down!

All right, Wraith. Time to cool off.

Uh, Quill, how is he supposed to stop
the countdown from inside an ice cube?

Oh, right.

Oh, man! Right on the one-yard line!

Poison gas?

It's not reading as toxic.

Hello, boyo. Happy Feast
of the Three Grinning Moons.

Hope you liked that ultimate stink-i-fier
I planted in Wraith's hideout.

Better luck next year,
'cause as of now,

I am the Prankster King!

Huh! Okay, that was pretty good.

What? What... The smell isn't that
bad, assuming you came prepared.

And, as I am still forbidden to
be on Xandar during the Feast,

Corpsman Dey, you can do your
job and kick us off the planet.

As you apologized, I have decided
to pardon you,

which means you and your crew
are going to stay

and enjoy the sights, the sounds,

and especially the smells of the Feast.

I'll return
this after the celebration is over.

Quill, you...

you really oughta see
the look on your face!

Yeah, especially
after we're done clobbering it!