03x09 - Fame

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [UP-TEMPO]

[QUILL] Live from
Conjunction Arena, it's...

Captured from his humble, backwater
home world by space pirates,

awesome earthman Peter Quill
fulfilled his cosmic destiny

as the one,
the only, Star-Lord!

He gathered a plucky band of helpers,
the legendary Guardians of the Galaxy,

and led them to vanquish
the Mad Titan Thanos.

[COINS CLINKING]
With the galaxy saved,

Star-Lord was
handsomely rewarded,

so he decided to pursue the noble goal

of producing the finest entertainment

his units can buy.

And here's Star-Lord!

♪♪ [ENDS]

[ANNOUNCER] Please applaud now.

He will pay you handsomely.
[CASH REGISTER BELL DINGS]

[CHEERING]
♪♪ [RESUMES]

[LAUGHS]
Oh! Oh, thank you!

Thank you! Oh, for me? Really?
Oh, you are too kind.

Okay, well, welcome to the show.

First of all...
[CHUCKLES]

I have to apologize
for the condition of our set.

Note to self: never book
Black Bolt on a talk show.

♪♪ [RIM sh*t]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]

A talk show.

You know, 'cause Black Bolt can...

He can destroy a planet with his voice.

[AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES]

[CRICKET CHIRPING]

What? It's how
we laugh on my planet.

Okay, thank you for that.

Well, I'd like to open the show
with a song for you,

and it goes a little something
like this.

♪♪ [ROCK]

♪ Sta... ♪

[NEWSCASTER] We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you a breaking news report.

Nova Corps is in pursuit
of a stolen Star Blaster.

Let's see if we can
zoom in on the cockpit

and get a look at the thieves.
[SIREN WAILING]

[NEWSCASTER] If you're just joining
us, Nova Corps is in pursuit

of a stolen Star Blaster.
[SIREN WAILING]

This just in.

The thieves have contacted
our newsroom.

They are described
as an unidentified plant

and a rodent of some kind.

I am Groot.

And I ain't no rodent!

Nova Corps considers
these culprits armed,

limbed, and extremely dangerous.

We'll keep you updated
as the situation develops.

♪♪ [ROCK]

♪♪ [ENDS]
Yes!

Can we get them to clap louder?

[CASH REGISTER BELL DINGS]

[BEEPING]

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, not so loud.
[CHUCKLES]

Okay, so I'm really looking
forward to my first guest,

one of my closest friends,

a certain golden-haired
prince of Asgard...

Thor...
Thor was not available?

So, who did we get?
Did we get Odin?

Heimdall? Angela?

Oh, wait. Please tell me it's not...

[THUNDERCLAP]

♪♪ [FANFARE]

'Tis I, Fandral!

Huzzah!

[CHEERING, SWOONING]

Huzzah, Star-Lord!

Whoa! You know, I gotta
pay for all this!

I see you've gotten out
of the galaxy-saving game.

Probably best for everyone, eh?
[LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPPING]

No. I've decided to pursue
a higher calling...

entertainment.

Is that what you call this?

[SLURPS]

Huzzah!
[CUP SHATTERS]

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

[BEEPING]

Hey, those are expensive.

Aye.

[GRUNTS]

Only the finest of quality
for a denizen of Asgard.

[GRUNTS]

Huzzah!

[CHEERING]

Huh. Forgive me.

I forgot how puny and frail
everything is in this realm.

Okay, yeah, thanks
for dropping by, Fandral,

but I'm afraid that's all the time
we have tonight. [SNAPS FINGERS]

What do you mean we have
ten more minutes to k*ll?

Oh, it's quite all right, friend.
There's been enough dying

on this stage tonight, huh? [LAUGHTER]

Well, the only thing that d*ed tonight

is whatever crawled up
and croaked on your upper lip.

♪♪ ["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT,
TWO BITS"] [AUDIENCE] Ohh!

Do you mock my "moostache," sir?

"Mustache."

- "Moostache"!
- All right, "whatoover."

I'll bet it's not even real. [GRUNTS]

I assure you 'tis quite real.

I've had it since I was a baby.

Seriously?
You had a moustache...

as a baby.

[CRIES]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CRASH]
[BOTH SHOUTING]

♪♪ [INSTRUMENTAL]

[ANNOUNCER]
Coming soon, real aliens,

real crime, real justice.

[YOWLING]

It's N.O.V.A.S.!

[SIREN WAILING]

Filmed on location
with the beings of Nova Corps.

All suspects are presumed innocent

until proven guilty
by galactic tribunal.

[CORPSMAN DEY]
After responding to a call

from an escaped pod drifting in space,

I'm escorting the civilian

to a nearby Nova Corps station.

Never too busy to rescue
a damsel in distress.

Call me a damsel again...
What?

...and I'll
give you distress.

[THUD]
Uhh!

Looks like we got
ourselves a -B.

That's Nova code for "suspicious
interstellar vehicle."

[SIREN WAILING]

Okay, sir, I need to see
your astrogation license

and starship registration, please.

Uh, why? D-D-Did I do
something wrong, Corpsman?

Yeah, I'm gonna need
to pop your cargo bay.

Y-Y-You don't want to do that.

I... I... I mean...
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

not that there's anything
illegal in there.

[ROARING]

[SHOUTING]

I... I have no idea
how that got in there.

How much? Seriously?

Ugh, this is costing me a fortune.

I can't believe...
♪♪ [UP-TEMPO]

Hey-hey! Welcome back!

Well, um, as you can see,

Fandral couldn't stick around,

but we have another round
of fantastic guests.

Who's up next?

Canceled? Everyone?

But th... But that means
there's no show.

On the contrary. The show's
just getting started.

As your official automated announcer,

I have been authorized to say

it's time for our surprise segment...

[CHEERING]

Wait. What?

Authorized by who?

Behind each door is one
of your ex-girlfriends.

And all three are just dying
to see you again.

- Three!
- Two!

One!
Two!

Yeah, I don't want to open
any of those doors.

We could always bring back Fandral.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, CHEERS]

Look, how about I just
sing us all another song?

[CRASH]

[GASPING]

Hey!

Lucy and Supergiant. Wow!

You're not still mad at me

for all those times
I never called, are you?

[ROARING]

[DROID ANNOUNCER]
Welcome back-a.

We've ambushed...
[STAMMERING]

surprised Peter Quill [SHOUTING]

with a visit from two
of his ex-girlfriends.

Let's watch the sparks fly.

Lucy, Supergiant, look,

why don't we talk this out?

You're not
smooth-talking your way

out of this, Quill!

You're a lying, flarg-faced,
krutackin' cheapskate!

[GASPING] And those are
your good qualities!

Oh! Lucy sends Quill
flying!

And here comes Supergiant

with a Centauri Suplex-a!

Ohh!
Gee.

[SUPERGIANT]
Hyah!

Whoa!

No!

Come on. Take it easy.

I gotta pay for all this stuff.

[GROWLING]

You care more about units

than either one of us!

No! You got it
all wrong, baby.

You're the whole reason
I'm doing this show...

just so I can sing our song to you,

to the whole galaxy.

Oh.

Really?

I thought you didn't go

for public displays of affection.

See, that's where I realized
I was wrong.

I need to sing
what I have in my heart...

our song.

Aww!

Ahem.

♪♪ [UP-TEMPO]

Your song?

You said this was our song!

Is that true, Quill?

I mean, it's a really great song.

Aah!

Ladies, please don't make me do this.

Where's my Element Blasters?

Fandral.

- Hyah!
- Uhh!

Hee-yah!

Aah!

Do you hunger for the finest
grilled carcasses

in the galaxy?

Do you hunger for the finest
grilled carcasses

in the galaxy?

Then come fill your belly
at Drax the Flame Broiler.

Orloni on a stick.

Grukworm on a stick.

And, of course, corn dogs.

The secret ingredient is fire.

Here at Drax the Flame Broiler,

we have an important slogan...

"We make food, you eat it,

and then you pay us
for the food."

Destroy your hunger at Drax the
Flame Broiler. [ANIMAL LOWS]

[ANNOUNCER] Currently under
repair due to fire damage.

Nova Corps received a number

of health and safety
complaints about this place.

We're gonna take a look around.

Fire is an unruly
and untrustworthy ally.

We got reports of possible
illegally obtained meat and...

Aah!

Drax, I think we met
your meat supplier earlier.

Uhh!

Duh... aah...

[BLADE SLICING]

Aah!

Those are for the corn dogs!

We're back, I guess.

Supergiant and Lucy had to run.

[DROID ANNOUNCER]
You paid them off.

We came to a mutually beneficial
business arrangement.

You gave them units,

and they stopped b*ating you up.

Only now you're broke.

Okay, you know what?
Forget it.

No show is worth this.

I quit!

[BUZZER BUZZES]

Peter Quill,

you've just said
the Secret Phrase-a

of Certain Doom!

[GASPING]

Since when do we have a "Secret Phrase

of Certain Doo... oom"?!

[WHIMPERING]

Acid?

[CHEERING]

What kind of announcer are you?

[GRANDMASTER] He's an
excellent announcer.

He's just not your announcer.

Grandmaster?

Indeed.
And while your show

has a certain slow-motion
disaster appeal, I guess,

I'm afraid the whole enterprise

was actually an elaborate
and artfully constructed game.

Thank you for playing.

You're... welcome?

I'm afraid you've gone over budget,

and so, alas, the game is over.

You lost. You're canceled,
Star-Lord,

permanently.

All things considered,

I'd rather have Fandral back!

[GRANDMASTER CHUCKLES]
This trap

is a test of Star-Lord's
skill as an escape artist.

[CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh. So there is
a way to escape.

Oh, I never said that.

The best games are rigged.

[CORPSMAN DEY]
We're responding to a call

for backup on a zed- ,

stolen vehicle.

These light speed
pursuits never end well.

[SIREN WAILING]

Attention, stolen Star Blaster.

Pull into orbit and cut your power.

Rocket, Groot, what are you doing?

Pull over now.

Oh, hey, Gammy, Drax.

We got a bit of a situation here.

I talked to Nova Prime,

and she said it's all
a big misunderstanding.

Just return the Star Blaster,

and she'll drop the whole thing.

Wh-Why didn't you say so in the
first place? [ALARM BLARING]

I am Groot.

[ALARM CONTINUES BLARING]

[ROCKET] So, uh,
when we return the ship,

does it have to be in one piece?

[BOTH SCREAM]

They're going to crash.

Deploying energy restraints.

[GAMORA]
Reverse engines!

I'm at full throttle!
It's no good!

[LAUGHING] Now, this
is law enforcement.

[GAMORA] Our ships are heading
straight for Conjunction City.

[ALARM CONTINUES BLARING]
[BOTH YELL]

[SCREECHING]

Ha! Game over! I win!

Oh, no. I determine
when this game is over!

And the Grandmaster always wins!

Yep. Probably should have
seen that coming.

[AIRCRAFT APPROACHING]

Aah! Ohh!

[CRASH]

You saw my show! I knew you
guys would come to save me!

Uh, sure.
We'll go with that.

Which means you owe me one.

♪♪ [UP-TEMPO]

How's this for a surprise
reunion show? The...

Let's hear it!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPPING]

Really? No love
for the Guardians?

We only saved all of your lives,

like two or three times, at least!

What about you, cricket guy?

Wait, wait, wait.

You were in the Guardians
of the Galaxy?

Uh...

Are those Fruxian Acid Piranhas?

I'm gonna need to see your Deadly
Exotic Marine Creatures permit.

This is my game,
and we play by my rules.

Act three finale mode:
engage!

Activating.

Destroying the Guardians now!

[QUILL]
Didn't see that coming.

[CHEERING]

Aah!

[GROANING]

That's not gonna hurt,

as the Robo-Announcer
deploys an energy shield.

What will hurt?
This laser beam!

Ooh!
Dah!

[CHEERING]

I am Groot!

And now a word from our sponsor...

Farmer Jorp's Weed-radicator!

[COUGHS]

[CHEERING]

Quill, Gamora,
Rocket, Drax-a,

I have been programmed
with a complete breakdown

of your skills, weapons,
and signature moves.

Guys, this dude is like
a giant "Best Of" album.

It knows all of our greatest hits.

I do not know what those
words mean, Quill,

but it has not seen my greatest hit.

Yaah!

[CHEERING]

Bravo!

Yaah!

So predictable.

Perhaps Drax should stick
with flame broiling.

Charging overhand swing.

Backhand sweep.

One-handed spin att*ck.

[GRUNTING]

Reverse combination
double-slash.

Ah, Gamora opens

with a classic Ferocappa att*ck,

but finds it useless

against her multi-servo-ed
opponent.

Then I'll just have to
cut you down to size. Hyah!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, yes!

[GAMORA SHOUTS]

Gamora manages
to narrow the odds-a.

Huh!

I'm telling it like it is, folks,

and this is spectacular.

Gamora will not be denied.

Hyah!

No, no, no, no, no!

She presses her att*ck,

but will her overconfidence
be her undoing?

[GROANS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

The answer, sadly, is yes!

[CHEERING]

I so do love winning!
[CHUCKLING]

Gammy exposed its power core.
We gotta take it out!

Fandral stole my Element Blasters.

I got nothing!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Boo!

Ha! Nice dud, robo-jerk.

[GRUNTS]

The rodent's arrogant nature

led to his totally
foreseeable downfall.

Ohh. Seriously?

And then there was one.

We wonder if Star-Lord
has any last words.

As a matter of fact, yes.

What a surprise.

I just want to sing my song,

just the one I've been trying to sing

since the beginning of the show.

I mean, really,
is that too much to ask?

I'm already paying for the band,

so fine.

♪♪ [POP ROCK]

Huh?

D-D-D-D-D-D-Didn't
see that coming.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[GASPING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

D-D-D-D-D-D-Didn't see that

[SLOWING DOWN]
coming.

[FRUSTRATED YELL]
This is my game,

and you cheated!

[FANDRAL]
"Moostache"!

[GRANDMASTER CRIES OUT]

[GROANING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[CHANTING] Fandral! Fandral!
Fandral! [CHEERING]

Hey!

This is my win, my show.

About that...

Since you no longer can afford

to pay for this show,

we've decided to make,
uh, a few, uh, changes.

Oh, the network has changes.
What are the chances?

Direct from Asgard,

it's Huzzah!

Starring your host, Fandral!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Huzzah!

Please welcome my very special guest...

me!

[CHEERING, SWOONING]

Fandral!