03x08 - The Dark Prince Returns

[bunniefuu]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Jess!

- Where am I?
- She thinks she's in college.

You ruined my life.

I never want to see you again.

I wish to speak with your leader.

You think that Steve is the leader?

MARTHA: Welcome... to The Hunt.

Don't you get it?! There
can only be one survivor.

[SCREAMING]

- What happened?
- Chet k*lled Steve.

- Holy sh*t.
- Game on, babies!

Chet's in The Hunt now!

♪♪

Chet? What are you doing?

Don't you get it?

There can only be one winner,

so I'm gonna live,

and I'm gonna collect
that sweet cash prize.

What? There is no cash prize!

That you know of!

Now, hold still, 'cause Daddy's only got

one more of these tiny, sharp spears,

and I'm not that good...

Aaaaaah!

God bless.

[ALL GASP]

Yes!

I'm freakin' Legolas!

Ohhh!

That's just the beginning, babies.

Things are about to get a lot weirder.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.

[GROANING]

Somebody pull this arrow out of me!

Owen, give me your hand!

Oh, I don't think I'm really gonna...

Aah! [GROANING] Oh! Aah!

Somebody pull it out of her now!

All right! Do it!

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'll do it.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[RETCHES]

I feel like it's already
starting to smell.

- Come on!
- [GROANS]

- Oh, come on!
- Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

Danny, pull it out.

- Aah!
- I don't...

I don't know how to do that!

Just twist and pull! You twist and pull!

Okay! Okay!

All right. [WHIMPERS]

Twist and...

[SCREAMS] Ohh! Oh!

I broke it. Sorry,
guys. I broke it in half.

Oh, my God. Aah.

Of course I have to do it myself.

- Oh, my...
- [WOOD CRACKS]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[ALL GROAN]

♪♪

We need to come up with a plan.

Okay, everybody quiet down.

We need to come up with a plan.

I saw a first-aid kit
in the weapons pile.

I think we need to go get that

and bring it back here,

- we'll patch Karen up...
- I'm sorry.

You want to risk our
lives to save Karen?

Okay, she just tried
to m*rder us with an a*.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I'd k*ll me while you have the chance.

Smash my head in with a rock
or roll me off that cliff.

No. No.

If we're gonna survive, then
we're gonna need Karen...

healthy and on our side.

Yeah, that's fair.
Even wounded, I'm an asset.

If we want to survive, you need to start

listening to someone
other than yourself.

Oh, you think I don't listen?

Yeah, I think you don't listen.

Okay. What's your plan?

♪♪

My plan...

We get...

after it.

"Get after it." Nice.

Okay, Danny, let's go
get this first-aid kit.

DANNY: Right behind you, buddy.

[WHISPERS] And for the record,

I agree we should get after it.

♪♪

DECLAN: Attention, competitors.

It appears a surprise contestant

has just made our first k*ll.

[STATIC CRACKLES]

Well done to the long-haired psycho,

and may the rest of you soon join Steve.

[STATIC CONTINUES CRACKLING]

[CORK POPS]

Now, Dec, uh, wasn't "Awesome Blossom"

your bet to win the whole damn thing?

Oh, yes, ha ha ha.

Laugh it up, "Blazing Saddles."

I'll take the loss if it means

an arrow death from yards out.

- Hmm.
- [IMITATES ARROW WHOOSHING]

My God, man, doesn't
it make you feel alive?

- [GLASSES CLINK]
- [CHUCKLING] Hear, hear.

[MAN CHUCKLES]
- [RADAR SCREEN BEEPS]

♪♪

Guys, I think my
bracelet stopped working.

- What?
- See, the red light turned off.

It's... it's like the power went out.

The power.

You should run.

Get someplace they can't find you.

Uh, how about you focus
less on trying to control me

and more on not losing your hair?

Listen, Jess, I'm not like that anymore.

I got a life lesson from
"Ballers'" Rob Corddry.

- He showed me that...
- Who's Rod Cordy?

One of your buddies from the Civil w*r?

Okay. I was trying to apologize...

Guys! What if we could
turn all the bracelets off?

When Karen and I were
in the surveillance room,

I saw that there was a power station

just across the river.

It was surrounded by
all those shock pylons.

But if you can't get shocked...

Then I can get in and
power down the island.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Hell yeah!

- I'm going with you.
- Oh, my God.

You are so obsessed with me.

I don't need your help.

Yeah, you actually do

because you weigh like pounds,

and I'm not gonna let a gust of wind

just blow you away
and t*nk our only sh*t.

If we could just focus for a
second, I'll explain how to...

I can protect myself.
I was in color guard.

Oh, I know. You never shut up about it.

That's why I made you
quit sophomore year.

You what?!

♪♪

Wow.

KAREN: Listen.

If by some miracle you make it home,

tell my husband, Anthony,
I fought till the very end.

You know, I still can't
believe you have a family.

How could you never mention that?

No one ever asked.

So, what, if I just ask,
you'll tell me anything?

Yeah. Sure.

Fine.

So, how'd you meet Anthony?

You both made at the same factory?

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

♪♪

It was one of those hot,
sticky Kansas summers.

Anthony was a junior
lifeguard at the local YMCA.

I was and fresh out of the cult

[CHUCKLES] and didn't know how to swim.

♪♪

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's gone.

It's all gone?

Owen.

♪♪

OWEN: Is that... Bruce?

What is he doing here?

♪♪

- [SPITS]
- Oh! Oh!

[COUGHS WEAKLY]

You two shouldn't be here.

Who did this to you, Bruce?

His eyes were as black as night.

A laugh forged in hell.

Some call him "The Dark Prince."

Others... Chitteewompwomp.

But no matter the name, make no mistake.

He is evil incarnate.

I'm sorry... who did this to you?

- I'm just not following this at all.
- Chet. Chet did this.

- Oh! Okay.
- Okay.

Anyway, he left me here as a warning.

A warning for who?

For anyone who tried to follow him.

See, y'all don't understand...
he's not Chet anymore.

He's a demon.

Took all the supplies
and the other survivors

out to a camp deep in the jungle.

He rules by fear.

One word,

and they sh*t their pants clean off.

[GASPS]

Okay, so then he must
have that first-aid kit.

- We got to find that camp.
- That path will lead you to him.

But be warned.

You stroll into Hell,

you better be prepared
to k*ll the Devil himself.

And may god have mercy on your souls.

All right, well, thanks Bruce!

Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

All right. Good luck to you, boys.

So, if we do find Chet,

do you think you could,
you know, k*ll him?

If it came to it, [SIGHS] yeah.

Yeah, I think I could.

Wouldn't be the first time
I've had to throw down.

I've gotten into some real scrapes

over where I park my van.

You've fought over a parking spot?

Oh, yeah. Before I
started parking at Frank's,

things could get pretty
nasty under that bridge.

Who's Frank? Is he, like, a friend?

No. Frank's is a diner.

Cut a deal with the manager there

after I found a rat in my Caesar salad.

Here's a little
secret... I put it there.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

- Cool.
- Yeah.

So cool.

MAN: [WHISPERING] Chet.

What was that?

[ECHOING] Chet.

Chet.

Chet.

- It's everywhere!
- Chet.

Where are you?!

Show yourself!

Chet.

- Look!
- Oh, sh*t.

- What the hell?
- Hey!

Danny, get him! Get him, Danny!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[LOUD SLAP]

[ALL BREATHING HEAVILY]

- Keith?
- Oh. Hey, Danny.

Hey, Owen.

What happened?

- Did Chet do this to you?
- Yeah.

He had me cover myself up in mud

and told me to scare
anyone who came through.

Dart around the woods,
chanting his name.

I think he just wanted to create, like,

a general creepy vibe.

Yeah, he wanted you guys to feel...

what did he say... unsettled.

Yeah.

So, how was it?

Was it unsettling?

Kind of.

Oh, good.

Yeah, he said if I didn't do a good job,

he was gonna make me get a boner

and then step on it with his flip flops.

- What?
- Jesus.

I know. [CHUCKLES]

It has been a pretty weird day.

Listen, Keith.

We need you to take us to him.

To Chet.

[WHISPERS] Chet. Chet. Chet.

- Oh, you don't have to do that anymore.
- You already...

- You did it already.
- Yeah, we... we see you now.

♪♪

- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]

- Hold up.
- What?

- Let's just cross here.
- Uh, are your bifocals dusty?

That current is way too strong.

- There's got to be a bridge or something.
- Oh yeah, totally.

Let me just ask the guy
who knows where to go.

Hey, Pack. Hey, man.

Uh, is there a bridge around
here, huh, that I'm not seeing?

Maybe some sort of a ferry system

or a jet-ski rental?

No? Nothing? Great.

Yeah, we'll... then
we'll just cross here.

Oh, God.

[GROANS]

What are you doing?!

Uh, I'm swimming him across.

I need full range of motion
if I'm gonna butterfly.

[GRUNTS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[EXHALING SHARPLY]

God! If you're gonna go, just go!

All right.

Time to add another Pack
to the six I already got.

[GRUNTS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Here we go.

[GRUNTS] Oh!

Whoo!

He is bigger than he looks!

♪♪

Oh, no!

The big, bad rapids

are taking me... Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my G...

Oh, God.

Uh-oh.

♪♪

CHET: I guess the best
part of my job is...

DANNY: Wow. This happened so fast.

... you guys all kiss my ass.

Did he build a throne?

There's the first-aid kit.

How do we get it without being seen?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I have an idea.

You make you a dress out of leaves...

something tasteful, but sexual.

Maybe an open back?

We disguise you as a sultry lady,

and you head in there for
some classic distraction...

"Hello, boys!"

What? Absolutely not.

Yeah, you're right.

We don't have time to make that dress.

Okay, what about this...

We find two guards that
look exactly like us...

- [NECKS SNAP]
- ... conk them, and take their uniforms?

And we sneak on in.

Danny, what guards?
No one looks like us.

Also, what uniforms?

Okay, how about this one?

We dig a tunnel, a big one...

Dude, these are terrible ideas.

Fine! What's your plan?

Let's just keep it simple. Okay?

Keith will walk in, pick
up the first-aid kit,

walk right back out.

If you do this for us, we
will protect you from Chet.

And you'll be my best friends?

♪♪

I got him!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Whoa! What the sh*t?!

Are you trying to k*ll me?!

I'm not! I'm saving you!

[BOTH SCREAM]

- Come on!
- Help!

Come on! Get it!

Grab on!

Hell yeah, Jess!

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]

- Now pull us up!
- What?!

- Pull us up!
- I can't!

I'm hanging on with one
arm! There's two of you!

Okay, then just pull me out!

Here. I'm slipping!

Hold on!

[ALL SCREAM]

Oh, God!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

That was... close.

♪♪

So close.

♪♪

[RETCHES, SPITS]

[COUGHS]

I think I swallowed a bunch of frogs!

♪♪

Guys, look!

♪♪

FLORENCE: So the bus flipped
over, and you just crawled out?

KAREN: It was the only way.

I had to get to the hospital

before Anthony woke up from surgery.

MARTHA: Sir.

What is it, Martha?

Half-Pint, the Hot One, and Todd...

they're heading for the generator.

What if they tried to
shut the power down?

Let them try.

The moment they cross
the electro-perimeter,

they'll be fried like
a poor man's oyster.

Ooh, that sounds delicious.

Martha, go fry up some oysters.

Chop chop!

OWEN: Come on, Keith.

Just get the first-aid
kit, bring it back.

Here we go. What?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

- Go. Nothing.
- Go.

He is really sweating.

Yeah.

- I'm doing it.
- What does he keep doing that?

- Stop doing that!
- I'm doing it!

- We know! Go!
- Shh! Shh!

Jesus.

[SNEEZES]

Get the first-aid kit! Yeah!

Get it! Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God! Stop looking at us!

♪♪

Okay, here we go.

♪♪

Okay. You got it. You got it.

- Good. Good. Go.
- Chet: You've been a good steed for the day!

- Maybe when we get back to camp, I will...
- Oh, sh*t. Dude.

- Oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t.
- Shh! Shh, shh, shh!

... oh, I don't know, brush you.

Hey! It's Kevin.

[BOTH WHISPER INDISTINCTLY]

Be cool. Shh. Shh.

- Oh, my God.
- [FIRST AID KIT THUDS]

Shh, shh!

What is he doing?

Are you messing with my hospital stuff?

Uh, friends. Right there.

- Come on, Keith!
- Really, Keith?!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Well, well.

Ain't this something.

Pretty poetical, isn't it?

Makes sense this is how it would end.

Literally none of this makes sense.

Oh, no?

Maybe you should've done your reading

because it's written in our DNA.

What happened to you, Chet?

What happened to me?

What happened to all of you?

A thousand years ago,
we were wild animals.

We ate what we k*lled,

and we [BLEEP] where we pooped.

But the weakest of
us couldn't handle it,

so they built cities
and taught our young

how to drink cow's milk.

Before you knew it, we were all driving

our metal cows to our cow jobs,

and we forgot how to nut in the ocean!

And you bet your tushies

I'd still be clocking in every day,

: ish to : ,

if Declan hadn't given
me a reason to wake up.

Survival of the fittest, baby.

This is how it was always meant to be.

[KEITH GASPS]

Why me?

'Cause you.

Build the fire up. Burn these assholes.

♪♪

What's the plan?

Florence was right.

My stupid ego brought us
here, and now we're gonna die.

I'm no different than Chet.

This is Chet country, baby!

Yarr!

I'm no different than Chet.

♪♪

This is as far as we can go.

♪♪

Well, either I step
right through this...

or I get shocked and die.

[SIGHS]

MEN: [CHANTING] Shock
death! Shock death!

Shock death! Shock death! Shock death!

♪♪

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait. Wait.

- Boo! Boo! Boo!
- Pbht!

Before... whatever happens next,

I just want to say...

"I love you!"

I just blurted it out.

And I picked him up and I said,

"Anthony, legs or no legs,

you're getting the
[BLEEP] back into that pool

because love will keep us afloat."

[SOBBING]

God damn it!

That was the most beautiful love story

I've ever heard in my
whole freakin' life.

[SNIFFLES]

Yeah.

Well, looks like this story's
about to come to an end.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] No.

Those girls need their mother,
and Anthony needs his coach.

How the hell else is he
gonna get to the Paralympics?

Come on.

We're gonna go get that first-aid kit.

♪♪

All right, let's get lit!

Wait! Wait.

If it's really survival of the fittest,

then I think that the
two leaders should fight.

Man to man.

But I've already won, little Owen.

Why would I let you fight me?

Oh, no... I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about the real leader.

Keith.

What? No. I'm not the leader.

You think he's in charge?!

I rode a man here today!

Keith, can you tell Chet to calm down?

You think you're gonna
tell me what to do now?

- No, Chet. I'd never.
- [BLADE CLICKS]

I... I swear!

♪♪

Did he get me?

Do you guys like me?

[BODY THUDS]

♪♪

Okay.

You want me?

You got me.

Let's fight, little boy.

Whatever happens next,

I just wanted to say...

you're not a total brat.

And if one day,

I'm lucky enough to...

♪♪

[MOANING SOFTLY]

♪♪

Ugh. Oh, God. No. God. Ew.

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

- What?!
- Sorry. Sorry. That was just...

- What?!
- ... so much tongue.

- It was like...
- It was a lot, yeah.

- Like a friggin' eel in there.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

First, you're obsessed with me,

and now you reject me? Screw you!

No, no. no, no. Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess.

I'm not rejecting you. It's just...

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

... that kiss made me realize...

I don't want -year-old Jess.

I want the amazing, grown-ass,

right-amount-of-tongue-using
woman that she becomes.

I want...

[IMITATES BORAT] My wife.

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Gross, old Jess is lucky to have you.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

[SIGHS]

♪♪

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah!

- We did it!
- Whoo!

Get it, girl! [LAUGHS]

What?! W... w... why didn't she fry?

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Her bracelet is not responding.

Oh, Jesus, woman.

Get down there now. She's...

Almost there. Hang in there, Karen.

I'm not gonna let you...

Die!

I'm gonna cr*ck your skull open,

and I'm gonna drink your brain juice!

You got this, Owen!
Just don't let him...

[BLEEP] me.

How do I turn this thing off?