02x01 - Leaving Las Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Last season on Lopez

Today I spoke on the phone
with promoters in Las Vegas.

They want to give you
a residency show.

Vegas!

(George) It's an oasis in the middle
of the desert

where all your problems
evaporate.

Thank you, everybody!

You're gonna be doing
eight shows a week...

for the next three years!

Minimum, you're gonna be doing this

for the rest of your life.

(all laugh and cheer)

Manolo, it's horrible, dude.

Every day
for the last six months,

I take the same elevator
from my suite

down to the main floor.

And then I walk to the same
casino into the same theater

and I... and I do
the same damn show.

No... no variations.
They... they don't want that.

(sighs, stammers)

And then when I'm done, I...

I take the same elevator
back to my suite.

I'm like a Mexican gerbil
trapped in an Anglo Habitrail.

I might not see sun, Manolo.

I might not even breathe
fresh air all day.

The monotony, it...

it's k*lling me.

It's k*lling me.

That's terrible.

You're an artist.
You need to be stimulated.

Yes, thank you, Manolo.

Donald Tr*mp is president,
man, I got things to say.

Man, I wish you were
in Vegas with me.

Me too, jefe.

Well, actually, anywhere
out of jail would be better.

Manolo, you violated parole
for me, man.

I'm never gonna forget that.

I would do it again,
but this time

I probably wouldn't post
pictures on Facebook.

You know, the... the hours
that I've been in L.A., dude,

I feel like I'm on parole,
like I can finally breathe.

(guard) Wrap it up.
Visitation is over!

Oh, man.

I've gotta get you outta here.

I mean, you can't...
you can't live like this.

(woman)
Oh, hell no!

Hey, what are you doing here?!

Get the hell outta here!
Nobody wants you here.

You better go.

- (man) Damn.
- You better walk, bitch.

Damn, dude, it's like
somebody's wife and girlfriend

just met for the first time.

Oh, he's not married.
That's my roommate, Hector.

He has all kinds of females
visiting him all the time.

Uh, Manolo, listen,
you're in lockup.

They don't call 'em
roommates, all right?

They're called cellmates.

You're in jail,
you're not at UCLA.

(woman)
George Lopez!

Mommy?

(woman speaking Spanish)

Hey, she says hi.

Uhh...

♪♪
(George)
Ohh...

Oh, my God!
This meal!

This food is so good.

You don't get food
like this in Las Vegas.

I'm on a new diet where I'm
allowed to eat anything I want,

but only for minutes a day.

Studies with mice have shown
that it improves mental acuity,

builds muscle mass,
and improves reflexes.

- In mice?
- Mm-hmm, try me.

Hey, it's so fun connecting with
you while you're back in L.A.

Yeah. And I'm gonna be
in Vegas next week, so...

Yeah, you know what,
the San Francisco Giants

are playing the Dodgers next week.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I love it

when we play the Giants
at Dodgers Stadium.

Man, hey, you think we'll
get Manolo sprung by then?

I could work on that.

My uncle's a judge and...

and if Manolo wears long sleeves
to the parole hearing,

- he should be just fine.
- That's fantastic.

I love seeing Manolo
intimidate that Giant fan.

Stared him down.
Can't wait.

I bet you can't wait...

to hear all about the game
when Manolo calls you

while you're in Vegas?

Yeah, that's why I thought
we should have lunch, Olly.

I'm not going back to Vegas.

- (George) That was good.
- (Olly) George...

you have to go back to Vegas.

- You have a contract.
- So?

Pete Carroll had a contract.
Nick Saban had a contract.

I don't know
what those names mean.

Those names mean
I'm not going back to Vegas.

Olly, you can always
get out of a contract.

But George, you begged me
to get you that residency.

Sheila and I got it for you.

Yes, of course,
Olly, you did great.

All right, and if I could
go back to Las Vegas, I would.

But listen, the monotony
of those shows

and the same thing every night,

it's... it's crushing
my creative soul.

I get it.
But this is a big deal.

We need to talk to Danny.

Shouldn't you have your imaginary
assistant schedule that meeting?

If you're referring to Tajim,
she's on leave.

Maternity leave.

- But she sends her love.
- Oh.

Okay, : at Four Arts.

Beautiful, hey, what are
the four arts anyways?

And the fourth art...
Singing.

'Cause you can't rep
Sting, Rihanna,

Sia and Miley...

if you aren't gonna
give 'em an art, right?

(chuckles)
That's right.

I remember when
it was just one art.

Stand-up comedy,
it was me

and that prop comedian Pickles.

Pickles.
(laughing)

I think he's in Branson,
that dude.

(both laughing)

I have George Lucas for you.

Oh, please, he's gonna bitch
about "Star Wars."

Make a guy a billionaire,
he never forgives you.

I'll return.
I'm with George Lopez.

Don't put anyone through.

Course.

Anyway, George,
so good you're here.

Thanks.
Woodwind & Associates,

they are happy with you.

Hey, next time I'm in Vegas,

we should play golf
with the CEO, Mr. Hing.

What a great guy.

I mean, it helps
if you speak Mandarin

or you're into prostitutes,
but he is a great guy.

He sounds fun, but here's
the thing, Danny.

George doesn't want
to go back to Vegas.

He wants out of that contract.

(distant phone ringing)

Really, George?

Is it the money?

Because we shook that tree
pretty hard.

No, Danny,
it's not about the money.

I... I just can't...

I just can't go back
to that same casino

and do the same show.

Danny, I do it till I'm so numb,

I don't even know
what I'm doing.

Well, of course.
George, what do you want?

Tell me.
That's why I'm here.

Ah, great, well, I have
an idea for a new show.

It's a one-hour.

You know, it's...
it's a one-hour.

It takes place in the Valley,

like a valley that no one
has ever seen.

Like my side of the Valley.

I think that sounds
very interesting.

Yeah, and he's an ex-cop
and he's edgy.

It's something completely
unexpected from me.

Wow, well, we have
our marching orders.

We're gonna get you that show,
right, Olly?

- Right, %.
- All you gotta do,

go back to Vegas, do your show.

While you're doing that,
we'll lay the groundwork

for "Lopez,"
ex-cop show.

Well, here's the thing, Danny,
I'm not going back, okay?

I refuse to go back.

You're just gonna have
to get me out of this contract.

Listen, George,

when we started working
together,

I promised to protect
your interests.

I also knew, sometimes I'd have
to protect you against yourself.

Wait a minute, from myself?

What... I'm the problem?

I hope not.

Listen, Danny,
I think this show...

it would be a great
show, it's...

- George.
- It...

Nobody wants that show from you.

Well, yeah, of course not.

Not if they never hear it.

Listen, George,

you won.

That residency show
was your golden handshake.

Your ride into the sunset.

And the money will just
keep rolling in.

Enjoy it.

I don't want to ride
into the sunset, Danny.

I still want to create.

I think this show
can be important.

I think this show can highlight
important issues

in the Latin community.

George, you're talking
about a premium channel

one-hour show.

I can't get you that.

Well, here's the thing.
You don't have to get it for me.

I'll get it, I just need you

to get me in the room
and just back me up.

You couldn't get a half-hour
sitcom now, George.

To do that, you have
to be...

relevant.

Wow.
Uh, well, relevant, wow.

So you're saying
that I'm irrelevant?

To the studios
and networks, yes.

So what am I supposed to do,
Danny, quit? Disappear?

You're supposed
to go back to Vegas...

♪ electric guitar ♪

and stay there.

(chuckles)

Danny, you're fired.

You're fired.

Yeah.

And (bleep) you too
and your little table.

♪ hip hop ♪

(Olly)
George?!

George!

Hey, man, could you slow down?
I'm wearing heels.

Listen, I...
I'm sorry,

but I can't work with somebody
who doesn't believe in me.

So you can go back up there

and tell him
I'm not coming back.

Huh, well, I can't work
with Danny either...

because he fired me.

Yeah, it was my job
to keep you in Vegas

and I failed.

I am so screwed.

Do you even know what
the monthly is on my Tesla?

No, but I mean, you don't spend
money on gas or anything.

I don't save quite enough.

Listen, Olly, I'm truly sorry.

I mean, but when he said
I wasn't relevant,

I mean, what does that
even mean?

Nobody knows.

It's just a word that people say

now that ratings
are meaningless.

Like nobody watches
"Girls," but it's relevant.

- Yeah, why?
- I don't know!

Maybe because people
like me can relate to it

and then go to parties
and industry meetings

where other people like me
are deciding what's relevant.

God, I hate this business.

And screw this diet.
I'm very hungry.

Do you have any food on you?

- No, I... I just have mints.
- Yes.

- Want that?
- Yeah.

I mean, so listen,
it's just... it's just that...

What...
What are you...

(sighs)
Yeah, you all right?

You ever wonder why those shows
that are set in Brooklyn

get rave reviews in pickups?

I never have, but I...

Because executives

and the critics and the bloggers

live in Brooklyn,
or lived in Brooklyn.

Or wish they lived in Brooklyn.

So it is relevant to them.

- So what do we do? We move?
- Yeah.

To West L.A. at least.

And be white and snarky

and have dating problems.

Yeah, but that's you,
that's not me.

I grew up poor in San Fernando.

Yeah, but none of them have
ever been to San Fernando

or care about it
or think it's cool.

But you know what
they do care about?

a**l.
Mm-hmm.

Think about it.

It's like the new
badge of relevance.

Girls, analingus,
high-maintenance.

- Gay a**l.
- All right.

And that's just HBO, folks.

Amazon has "Fleabag,"
the opening scene is a**l.

- Okay.
- Straight a**l!

Not so loud, though.

And to prove my point,

those shows are a**l Brooklyn,
a**l Brooklyn,

- a**l London.
- Hey.

All places that matter
to the people that matter.

All right, I get it.
You know...

I don't fit, but I never fit in.
But you know what?

I'm gonna att*ck
this thing head on.

I'm gonna get me another
high-profile manager,

and I'm gonna take you
with me, all right?

And we'll show 'em
what relevance is.

My way, but

no a**l.

Damn, where's my parking ticket.

I gotta get Manolo back.
I can't even find my...

Oh, I got him out.

Well, not out.
You gotta go get him.

And his release is conditional.

- You got him out?
- Yes.

Oh, my God, Olly,
that's amazing.

Listen, we're gonna
make Danny regret the day

- that he lost us both!
- Yes!

All right? (laughs) Okay.

- Should we...?
- No.

Okay, I'll call you.

All right, thanks.

Get some food.
(chuckles)

♪hip hop starts again♪

(George)
Ah. Ha-ha. Smell that?

(sniffs)

Freedom.

Smell hot dogs.

Hey, you look ripped.

The Armenians thought
I was one of them,

so I got double gym time
in the yard.

Hey, hey, check this out.

Oh, snap.
Dodgers and Giants.

Man, I missed every game inside.

All they want to do is
watch "Wendy Williams."

Uh-huh, but look
where it is.

In the dugout club.

Wow, jefe.

I never thought getting out
of jail could be this magical.

All right,
you can let me go, man.

(George) It's like going around
in a full circle, man.

Remember when we were going to
The Comedy Store when I was ?

Nobody believed in me.
Everybody made fun of me.

Yeah, and I used to b*at
the crap out of 'em.

That's how I feel right now.

But you know what, Manolo,
I showed 'em then,

and I'm gonna show 'em now.

I think b*ating the crap
out of people now

might be a violation
of my conditional release.

You don't have to b*at
anybody up, bro.

I was talking metaphorically.

I'm not really sure
what that means,

but maybe after
I get my high school degree.

Ah, I think it's good
you're getting your degree.

Like, what made you have
that, um, epiphany?

Oh, wow.

I really need to learn
some big words.

I have to get my degree as part
of my conditional release.

- To prove I am bettering myself.
- Good.

(door creaks open)

There you are,
you son of a bitch!

How do you quit
without telling me?

I didn't find out
till I got to the theater.

I was waiting to go on.

(bleep) you, George Lopez.

A heads-up to your opener
would've been nice.

You know what, Maronzio,
you're right, I'm sorry, bro.

I had to get outta there, man.

Man, I loved Vegas!

I mean, I would take
the elevator from my room

down to the casino, do my show.

I didn't have to worry
about it being fresh.

I would get back up
on the elevator,

go back up to my room.

Sometimes I didn't even
have to go outside.

Quite a life, right?

I get you have to do
what you have to do, George.

But I can't be beholden
to your whims anymore.

His whims means you're quitting?

No, he quit for me.

And maybe I need to thank you,
George, for this wake-up call.

'Cause I need to find
my own way, a new way.

I've been doing stand-up
for years.

I'm still an opener.
I mean, it's time to move on.

To do what?
Do your stand-up.

Not anymore, I'm gonna
figure out this new media game.

That's where the fans are.

Liked are the new applause.

YouTube, Snapchat,

it's a gold rush.

It's what's going on,
it's what's happening.

Yeah, it's what's happening
if you're a teenager.

Millennials, and millennials
will love me

'cause I'm very young
on the inside.

I have a crappy apartment,
no car.

Actually, I see myself
as a trans-millennial.

And anything trans is very hip.

All right, well,
good luck with that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go to my trans...

portation, ha.

You know, some Internet stars,

they only work for like
minutes a day.

And they're rich.

- Rich?
- Yup, that's all I need

is one thing to go viral,
and I'm set.

Yeah, but things don't
just go viral, dude.

See, now that's the old-media
way of thinking, George.

So, jefe, where we going?

Well, Olly thinks
it's more relevant

- if I live on the west side.
- What?

Yeah, dude,
I don't like the west side.

It's crowded, there's
no good Mexican food.

All those dudes, they look like
they wrote on "The Simpsons,"

curly hair, baseball cap,
white sneakers. (laughs)

This area right here, Los Feliz,

I've always liked Los Feliz.
You've got the Observatory.

It's funky, but not too funky.

Great neighborhood.

Easy drive down
to Dodgers Stadium.

Go Big Blue!

Hey, I just pulled up
this Zillow app

- to see what's available.
- Oh, no, wait.

Check that place out
right there.

Hey, Manolo, pull over.

- Wow.
- Hello.

How are you gentlemen
doing today?

Great, I just got out of jail.

Well, we're doing better now
that we've found this place.

You know what they're
asking for?

You're George Lopez.
You're a celebrity.

And celebrities only rent
when they're in

some difficult transitional
time in their lives.

Damn.

Usually dark and depressing,
involves a lot of damage

to the floors and plumbing.

I rented to Gary Busey
and Chris Brown,

and I'm not going
through that again.

The TMZ buses alone...

I'm just looking
for a peaceful place.

My daughter is away
in a gap year in Cuba.

This place is
way too big for you.

No, I like big places.

And I need enough room for
when my daughter comes back.

And I'm gonna tell you
right now,

you have nothing
to worry about with me.

He's very responsible.

Yells at me all the time

for not cleaning up
after myself.

Yeah, shut up.
You see?

I want this place.

But you haven't even seen it.

I seen enough.
I like what I see.

I'll tell you what I'll do,

I'll give you a full year's rent

and I'll double whatever
the security deposit is.

Done.

- I'll go get the paperwork.
- Ha-ha.

You're gonna look good holding
that lamp outside here.

So, Manolo Rodriguez.

Figures.

Anyway, congratulations

in starting the exciting journey

to getting your general
equivalency degree.

Thank you, sir.

So I'm supposed to tell you
that, with your GED,

you can do anything
your heart desires.

So I could be an astronaut
or a fireman?

Are you six?
No.

Here's some info
on refrigerator repair

and data entry, if your dreams
take you in that direction.

Are you high?

A little.

♪♪

Oh, sh*t.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Let's go, go, go.
Hey.

(car door indicator beeping)

- Where we going, jefe?
- Shelter Management called.

They said they want to sign me.

(laughs)

(George)
Hey.

Hey, jefe, you were
in there a long time.

Hey, yeah, well, it took a while

to drink that
Napoleon brandy, man,

and smoke fine cigars.

Hey, and to get 'em to approve
everything I wanted,

- including hiring Olly.
- That's tight.

Dude, she gonna go nuts.

Ay, we should tell her
in person.

Wait a minute,
I know where she lives.

Oh, wait, I got it.

I remember Tajim had me
send some packages to her.

Look, she's not that far.

Oh, yeah, let's go tell her.

Ay, oh, by the way, Taji...

Nah, never...
Never mind.

Come on, let's go.
(chuckles)

(George) Hey, man, being a
manager must pay pretty good.

Maybe too good.

Olly!
Olly!

Olly, your friends are here.

Great.

(chuckling)
Oh, uh, nice hair.

It was high school,

a very traumatic
and unrelenting high school.

- How about that one?
- Princeton.

- And that one?
- Law school, USC.

- You graduated from law school?
- Mm-hmm.

- How old are you?
- .

Damn, I really do need
to get my GED.

So, listen, Olly,
I'm thinking about signing

with Len Soris over there
at Shelter Management.

He's gonna do everything I want
including hiring you!

(gasps)

I think I'll pass.

♪♪

You're turning down
Shelter Management?

Yes, and I think
you should, too.

That I should turn down the most
powerful manager in Hollywood

who promised to do
everything I asked him to do,

and he said that the hour-long
show's a slam dunk.

And he pointed out that
it'll take a little while

to lay the groundwork
for the show,

so you might as well
make a trip back to Vegas,

- patch things up?
- No, you know what?

He's not shipping me
back to Vegas.

He just wants me
to go back there

to smooth things over
with the brass

- and maybe hang out with Mr. Hing.
- Mmm.

Maybe just do a show or two
just to show good faith?

How'd you know that?

Because I'm a manager.

Len is no worse
and no better than Danny.

They just see a little
money-producing box

and they want to keep you in it.

George, there will always be
another reason

why you should just
go back to Vegas

and do a couple more shows.

And there will never be
any groundwork laid

for your new TV show.

They are all the same.

And I'm not going back to it.

It makes you inhuman.

What are you gonna do?

I've been thinking
a lot about this.

I am going to be
a "magent."

What the hell...

You know how an agent takes %

and a manager takes %.

Well, I'm going to do it all.

For %?
I was thinking .

- But whatever you want.
- Me?

I know what you're thinking.

I don't know if she
can do the job.

Well, guess what? I don't
know if I can do the job.

Wow, that's quite
a sales pitch you have.

George, if you go back

with a big, powerful
management company,

you will end up
in the same place.

Only then, you'll be
creatively finished.

You need someone like me,

someone who cares only about you

and who has something
to prove to you

and to this town
and to her high school

and to herself.

(knocking on door)

Olly, would you and your friends
like some soup?

I can make it in the Keurig.

It comes in pods like coffee
but tastes like soup.

No thanks, Mom.
I'm closing a deal.

Okay.

(door closes)

Oh, well...

guess we all have
something to prove.

♪ electric guitar ♪

I feel sick.

Mom! Tums!

Do you have an antacid?

And champagne.

The good part is Olly's hungry
so she's motivated

to get this hour-long show
to work.

I'm gonna miss those bubbly
fruit waters at Four Arts.

(doorbell ringing)
(laughs)

I'll get you
a gift certificate to BevMo!

(doorbell continues ringing)

Oh, man!
He wasn't lying.

You are George Lopez!

I'm Hector, Manolo's roommate
from jail.

Yo, what's up, big guy?

Hey, what's up?
What's up, man?

What's up, boss?

Oh, man, this is great.

Oh, and thanks for letting me
use your Uber account.

I usually have to take
the bus when I get out of jail.

(gags)
Oh...

Oh, this is good.

Ah.