02x02 - Moving on and Moving in

[bunniefuu]

This may sound condescending,
but I think it's cute

the way that Manolo has
taken Hector under his wing.

I don't like the kid already.
He's too damn good looking.

However, I do like the new digs.

Spanish style, like yourself,

but it's missing something, George.

Man, it's missing the kid.

This house is so big, it feels empty.

You know, Cuba's so far away and...

Damn, George, now you got
me missing my kids. God!

I thought you were gonna
take a trip and go see 'em.

I was, but I realized
after you quit our job,

I needed to find a new one quickly.

All right. Well, I'm
getting together with Olly

to go over the new one-hour show, so...

So, I'ma stay here and eat your food

and order the UFC
fight on pay-per-view

because you still feel guilty about...

Fair enough.

♪♪

What are you really feeling about it?

It is exciting going out on my own.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

Yes, you are, because you just did.

We go way back, so I'm gonna
be completely honest with you.

- Oh, please don't.
- You were fired

and only one client came with you.

Yeah, but that client is George Lopez.

I mean, perhaps you've heard of him.

Yes, and I've also heard that
he refuses to do the one thing

people are willing to
pay him a fortune to do.

Well, technically, that's true.

You still live at home.

Yes, but have you seen my Tesla?

You're on your mom's phone plan.

Yes, because I'm not an idiot.

They don't make phone
plans like that anymore.

Okay, this is all temporary.

I believe you.

Look, I don't know how you do it,

but you always seem to
end up on top of things.

I think it's the combination
of a distant father

and a not-distant-enough
mother.

I always have something to prove.

Mmm. Oh. No, no, no, no.

Please. ABC has got this.
We've had a good pilot season.

Well, if you insist.

And I have something
else I need from ABC.

A meeting for George.

Ooh. You know, sitcom season is over.

I know we say we go year-round, but...

But it's not a sitcom
and it's really good

and you won't regret it.

No.

Come on, you know how
good George is in a room.

Olly, I can't. Well, you owe me.

Remember Kevin?

You're pulling Kevin?

Well, I'm pulling
whatever I have to pull.

Fine.

And at least one senior
VP is in the room.

No.

Do you remember Kevin?

- Sure.
- I'll tip.

- No. Okay.
- Okay.

- No, you offered.
- No, I, yeah, no, it's fine, I'll...

- The prices went up here.
- Thank you.

You know, my new show
has to have a cool title.

Like, something that tells
people that it's different,

like, right away.

- How about "Mexican PI"?
- No, dude.

That's cheesy. That's like ' s.

- Tom Selleck stuff.
- I love Tom Selleck.

If I owned my house, I would
do one of his reverse mortgages.

Or else, I like the
guy that sells the gold,

the guy from "Knots Landing."

- William Devane?
- Oh, man! Hector!

What the hell are you doing back there?

Hey, what's Hector doing here?

I told him to come along, jefe.

Hey, you can relax just
by listening to Mr. Lopez.

Call me George but don't
jump out at me, dude.

- You scared the hell out of me.
- My bad, G.

- But hey, that new show sounds amazing.
- Oh, thanks.

Huh? Isn't that a sitcom?

No, dude, it's like a gritty hour-long,

you know, but relevant to today.

It kind of shows a different side of me.

It shows my acting chops

like Bryan Cranston
did with "Breaking Bad."

- He was scary.
- Yeah, right?

He was scary but he was sympathetic.

That's the key. Keep it real,

and I want to do it in the Valley.

Wait a minute, that
could be the name, eh?

Coming up next, "Valleys." Huh?

That's hot. "Valleys."

I'll show Danny's dumb ass
who's relevant. "Valleys."

So, George, look, I know the new show

is not a comedy or anything,
but how do you come up

with all that crazy sh*t you do, huh?

Weed? La mota? Right?

I don't know. Not a lot.

Just a little bit and
then staying hydrated.

A lot of coconut water, like that.

Hey, jefe, if it's cool with you,

I was gonna go get Hector settled in

and come back when you
need me to pick you up.

All right, that's cool.

You know, he's a great
kid but he got off-track

and he's got nobody.
Never had a dad around,

just like us, so in prison,

we kind of had each other's backs.

Gotta help him out, right? Give back.

That's good, Manolo. I like that.

I'm proud of you, man. Hey, Hector.

Good to meet you, man. I'm
sure I'll see you around.

Hey, and the weed is only like
% of my funny, all right?

So don't do dr*gs or any
of those bath salt stuff.

He really is funny.

Let me do it, just organize it.

All right. Thank you so much.

Hey, Olly, what's happening?

You still work here or what?

Hey, listen, I think I found the
perfect title for my new show.

"Valleys." 'Cause it
sets a tone, you know?

And because we're
doing it in the Valley,

we can push up against
a lot of the stereotypes

but it's really about the lows.

"Valleys." Oh, I like it.

Do you play a cop or a PI?

No, no, I'm an ex-cop

and he's caught in a web of corruption

and because it's real,
we can shine a spotlight

on the important issues in
the Latino community.

Hmm. Well, that's great, and I have

some other great news for you.

My law degree finally proved useful.

I got you out of your Vegas contract.

- Wait a minute, you did? No lawsuits?
- Nope.

- No damages?
- Nope.

The only thing is, you
can't perform standup

during the length of the contract.

Wait a minute, I can't do standup?

Well, you can if you go back to Vegas.

No, I don't want to do that.

Well, but I can do
"Valleys," though, right?

Yep. I limited the non-compete to the
area you were hired... standup.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I can deal with that.
Yeah, all right.

Good, 'cause I
have some other good news for you.

What's that? I got you a meeting at ABC

to pitch your show,
"Valleys."

Wait a minute. ABC wants to hear
"Valleys"?

Oh, they were practically
begging for the meeting.

- They were?
- Mm-hmm. All morning.

Wow. Let's celebrate.

What am I doing drinking coffee?

Hey, you got some tequila back here?

[whistling]

I don't ever want room for cream.

You give me all my damn coffee

and I will drink it or I
will pour it in the trash.

Just let me decide. Here's
how the companies get you.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's my first podcast.

I have three hours.

I was thinking I should edit it,

but it all sounds pretty damn good.

What up, G? Whoo!

Love your steam shower, man.

The one in my room doesn't have

nearly as much pressure or steam.

You should probably get that fixed.

Your room?

♪♪

This ain't a hotel.

[George] I didn't think you
were charging him.

Well, it's not a flophouse, either.

But you said that we gotta help him.

I was agreeing with you, all right?

You should be taking
him under your wing.

He should be staying with you.

I don't have a wing. I
just got out of prison.

I'm sorry if I messed up, jefe,

but Hector needs your help.

If you put him out on the street,

he's just gonna go back to his old ways.

What do you mean, if I
put him out on the street?

I just wanted him to
have a good influence,

and you're the best influence I know.

Oh, that's right. You were in prison.

Damn! Damn!

I'm just saying, the
kid needs your help,

and you did say the place has
been empty since Erica left.

♪♪

[soccer game on TV]

Buenas dias! School's tomorrow.

I'd better figure out
what I'm gonna wear.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I gotta
get you a backpack

and some pencils

and some of those pudding
cups for your lunch.

[Sportscaster talking]

Hey, Hector, you mind
turning the TV off?

We're trying to work.

[TV clicks off]

Hey.

Hey, what'd you do to get
thrown in jail, anyway?

This last time?
Receiving stolen property.

But it's not what it sounds like.

I was just holding
some stuff for Enrique.

Hey, you know, Manolo,

I was thinking about a
character for "Valleys."

Remember that badass drug
dealer that lived off Glen Oaks?

He had all the flashy cars
and he had those fine women?

He owned that chop shop?

The dude was, like, handsome
and scary but mysterious,

- like he had it all.
- Oh, yeah, he was busted.

- No, he wasn't.
- And then k*lled in prison

after being r*ped in prison.

Boy, I bet he wishes
he had stayed clean.

No. All right, then
what about his sister?

What about the sister who was
the brains of the operation?

She was fine, man. She was hot.

Remember they found that
body under her house?

[laughing]

Hey, dude, we gotta find you a job, man.

But I'm a felon.

Well, I know a place that that's
the only qualification you need.

Okay, Hector, I'm gonna get you set up

and I gotta get out of there. If I'm
in there for more than ten minutes,

that fool will find
something for me to buy him.

We hard. We done k*lled
people, robbed people,

committed acts of mayhem on said people.

But now we put our energy into making

some of the finest
baked goods we can offer

so we can stay out of
gangs and make a new life.

Listen, that's... that's
great, really great.

So, you think you can
help my man Hector out?

Of course, Mr. Lopez.

We can put him right to work.

No, that's... that's Hector right there.

George Lopez. [laughing]

So glad that we could
finally help you out.

[George] Oh, thank you so much.

We're gonna take good care of Hector.

It's the other one.

That's the gangbanger?

I'm in high school.

- [laughing]
- George! Mucho gusto.

- Mucho gusto.
- This is my wife Amanda.

She's gonna be helping out around here.

Ah, that's great.

So, listen, I gotta get
him back to science class.

You've got some rehabilitating to do.

I got a network meeting,
so this better work.

George, did I mention that one of
the ovens went down, the big one?

I'm on it. Okay.

- So, now I'm buying an oven.
- A big one.

[George] You know, the thing
that is great about this show

is that it has a lot to say,

you know, through the eyes of a Latino

who is part of the community
and who is removed from it

but still very connected to it, like

two sides of the Latino experience.

That's great, but what makes
it current? What makes it now?

Um, uh, well, I think what makes it now

is that you will see that
it's going on currently

and that it's happening now,

so when you see the houses
and the cars and stuff,

they'll know that it's,
like, from modern day.

I think that what Rachel is wondering

is what makes it relevant?

Ah, well, this doesn't
take place in Brooklyn.

- [laughing]
- That's... okay.

But it is about a very underserved

and very diverse community.

- Diversity is very important to us.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I hear that a lot.

As do I, and it's great
that word is finally

getting back to the community about ABC.

I mean, it's why we're here.

We love serving underserved markets.

It is a growth area.

I guess all those years of indifference

are finally paying off. [laughing]

Exactly. That was one lesson that
we sure learned in the election.

There is a whole country out there that

many in Hollywood know nothing about.

That's why we have a new hour-long
in development from Johnny Knoxville

about a struggling, working-class
white family from coal country.

- "The Deplorables."
- Mm-hmm.

That's just our internal name for it.

I like it, and coming from
you, it's very exciting.

A Latino comedian bringing
us a gritty one-hour?

- [laughter]
- It's so cool.

Creative lines are blurred these days.

Look at "Transparent."

It's a comedy, but it's
depressing, and it's an hour.

Actually, it's a half-hour.

Really? Huh.

Well, who do you see
starring in "Valleys"?

Oh, me. I mean, that's the whole...

that's the whole thing about it.

Oh, I thought you were
bringing the show in

just as a producer.

I didn't realize you would even do TV.

Well, you know, I have
had four television shows.

Well, this is a great opportunity.

I think we should take this
right up with the group.

No group, no group, no. [clears throat]

Sorry. No group because if
you're not in love with this idea

and if you don't believe in George,

then we want to hear it now.

We love George, but we have many

talent holding deals to service.

For instance, we just signed Coco.

[laughter]

Coco, the transgender Internet model?

- Yes. Coco is beautiful.
- Gorgeous.

- Ravishing.
- Stunning.

- And clearly relevant.
- Yes.

Yeah, no, listen, I...
I think Coco is great.

Seriously, I was thinking about having

a transgender character in "Valleys"

who is the sister of the drug kingpin

and their relationship, you know,

growing up together as boys,

and then now the tumultuous relationship

between a sister and brother,

and I ran it by, you
know, Caitlyn Jenner.

We were golfing. I mentioned
it to her and she liked it,

and then Chaz I saw getting
coffee, and he responded,

so, you know, I think Coco is perfect.

Coco as a Mexican PI.

It's sexy.

I'm the Mexican.

But Coco's role would be very important.

I mean, she's the co-star.
She's Coco the co-star,

which sounds great
and is also very sexy.

Coco did say that Coco was
interested in doing a winner.

Then why don't we run this by Coco?

[laughing] All right. Great. Hey.

When did they stop using pronouns?

These days, they are a minefield.

Damn, I keep messing up.

Maybe if I stopped looking at you

and looked at the dough,

I could finally get this batch right.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You girls are so
pretty and you can bake.

I can't believe you were
accessories to m*rder.

- Hey, [bleep], you dropped something.
- Yo, what you doing?

- Leave him alone.
- Hey, chill, boy.

Don't let this hair fool you, man.

That's enough. Come on, break it up.

You, come with me.

Oh, man, hey, it's all
coming together, brother.

- Look at my co-star right there.
- That's a man?

Manolo, Coco is transgender.

So she's a woman?

- Yes.
- Without a d*ck?

- Without a d*ck?
- No, man. What the hell, dude?

A he/she? Serious,
man, that's... that's...

Listen, nobody talks like
that anymore, cochino.

He/she. Look, it's not what
you have downstairs, all right?

It's what you have upstairs.

- Oh, you mean...? Manolo.
- Hey, come on, man, serious.

Get real, all right?

Since you got cable, man,
you're a different person.

- [musical ringtone]
- Hello?

Oh, my God. All right, I'm on my way.

Hector. Something went wrong.

I didn't realise baking bread
would be so hard.

When I cooked cr*ck, there
wasn't all these health rules.

Are you serious? I don't
think that was your issue.

What happened with
Menendez and his wife?

I don't know, G. One minute,
she was giving me a massage,

and the next thing you
know, all hell broke loose.

I can't be distracted
by this fool right now.

You didn't do it on
purpose, right, Hector?

Go wait in the car, Hector.

Listen, Manolo, I'm at a crisis
point in my professional career.

If this show doesn't work, it could be

all over for me, man. I can't fail.

You won't fail,
jefe, but he needs you.

You need to help him out.

I can't be distracted by Hector, okay?

So you need to help him out
and you need to keep an eye...

[tires squealing]

How's that? Hector stole my car.

You don't steal George
Lopez' car... any of 'em!

What are you doing?
You calling the cops?

You can't call the cops.
He'll go back to jail.

- It's grand theft auto.
- Please, man. He may never get out.

You know what? That's not my problem.

Please, jefe.

All right. I got an app on
my phone. I can find my car.

So if I get the car back
with no scratches, no dents,

and no tickets, I won't call the cops.

You see that red dot right there?

- That's the SUV.
- That's pretty cool.

It's not moving. It
says that it's right...

It says that it's right there.

He's in there.

- Go talk to him.
- What do you want me to say?

What's up, Hector?

I'm sorry, George. I just suck.

I suck at being in a g*ng,
I suck at staying out of one.

The only thing I was
ever good at was prison,

and because I was good,
they let me out early.

Wow. Listen, Hector, man, you
don't want to go back to jail.

No, but I don't always want
to be a screw-up, either.

I don't know what else to do.

You know, my parents...

I know, bro. Mine too, mine too.

- Well, how'd you figure it all out?
- Well, here's the thing.

I don't have it all
figured out, you know?

When I was your age, Hector, I
just thought I wanted to be somebody

more than I wanted to
be nobody, you know?

Just try to find a good
example and follow that.

Yeah. Yeah, you are a
pretty good example.

No, man. Don't... don't follow
me. Listen, we know

you're not good at baking, all right?

So find something you are good
at besides sitting in jail.

You know, you can go
back to cooking rocks.

Kidding. Come on, man.

Hop in the back seat. Let's go home.

Are you crying?

Dude, why are you crying?

I'm the one who should be crying.

I'm buying an oven.

You still gotta pay for it?

I still gotta pay for that oven.

Come on, teardrops, let's go.

♪♪

- I'm trying to tune it.
- Well, hurry up and tune it.

- It sounds awful.
- Come on, man, get it together.

There's an app. You can do it on an app.

[gasping] Little Caesars?

Well, I feel like I'm back at college,

except now I live at home.

Instead of doing homework,

we used to just sit around and theorize

about how Julius Caesar
got into the pizza biz.

- What'd you come up with?
- Mostly aqueducts.

[laughing]

- What's up?
- Oh, Olly, this is Hector.

He's gonna be around a while.

Oh, don't stop chewing on my account.

George, ABC is very serious
about "Valleys" if Coco is in,

so we have a meeting set for tomorrow.

Oh, my God. That's great.

Yes, but before you meet with Coco,

you will be meeting with human resources

to discuss guidelines
about how to talk to Coco.

- You're kidding.
- Definitely not kidding.

You are cisgender, and you
have... we all have a lot,

but you have a lot to learn.

Cisgender? Is that like a mean
way to refer to gay people?

Wait. Cisgender just means normal.

Ooh, please don't say the
"N" word. It's very offensive.

- What?
- No, no, no. Not that word.

No, "normal." It's a
very offensive word.

Not as offensive as the real "N" word.

Let's be clear on that, okay?

Just be careful, okay?

Everything is riding on this

and you're walking into a lion's den.

Why are you being so dramatic?
I'm meeting an actress.

Are you crazy? Please
don't talk like that.

You could get charged with a hate crime.

The meeting is tomorrow.
We have to practice, okay?

How do you practice for that?