02x04 - George Dates His Daughter

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing, Hector?

Oh, I know you don't just
want me sitting around,

so I'm going to sell birdhouses.

I learned how to make 'em in prison.

Yeah? Is that a step up or a step down

from making wine out of your toilet?

Come on.

Shh! Please.

Good morning, everybody. I
just want everybody to see

what I'm having for breakfast today.

Oh, my God. What the hell is that?

If you must know,

I'm trying to monetize my breakfast.

I figure if I post myself

eating a few things from
a few major corporations

and it goes viral, I
can get paid to eat it.

Well, you've got to post
times if you really want to hit.

You do too little,
people go somewhere else.

You do too much, saturate your page,

and you look thirsty.

And how do you know that?

How do you not know that?

And when people start to pay attention,

I'll become a spokesperson
like Flo from Progressive.

That's probably the stupidest
thing that I've ever heard.

You know what you need to do?

You need to get off your ass
and go do something that's real.

This is what doing something looks
like to my generation, George.

Your generation?

All right. We've got work to do.

Wait a minute. We're working
on "Valleys"? You didn't call.

No, I'm tutoring Manolo at math.

- Oh. Really?
- What? I'm great at math.

Oh, I'm sure you are. You just
don't strike me as the patient type.

- You ever work with Manolo?
- Hey.

Hey, so what's going on with "Valleys"?

You said the network wanted it
and it's been like a week already.

Well, the wheels are turning,
George. These things take time.

Well, turn the wheels faster, okay?

Let's get some movement.
Plug that Tesla in,

get that battery charged,
and let's close this deal.

Relax. It's gonna happen.

Why are you so anxious?

I'll tell you what the problem is, Olly.

The man needs to get laid.

You know, I think I
might need to get laid.

- I don't want to hear this.
- No, no. I mean,

not even for the sex.
Just companionship.

Like, I need to find a normal woman.

I hate putting myself out there
all the time and getting rejected.

Hey, don't be silly.
You're George Lopez.

- I think that makes it worse.
- You should try Bumble.

It's a dating app where
women make the first move.

That way you don't even have
to worry about getting rejected.

- Is that a real app?
- Yes, it's great.

And women love it because we
don't get hit on by creeps.

Huh! Is that what you think?

When are you women gonna
learn? We're all creeps.

- You proud of that?
- Man, what should my profile picture be?

Like, me at the White House
or me when I met Al Pacino?

- No. That's all trying way too hard.
- All right.

And don't do a picture
with a puppy or a lion.

There's too much of
that, believe it or not.

And no landmarks or outdoorsy sh*ts.

You went whitewater rafting. We get it.

What if I just put a picture of me

crying in the corner
in the dark, all alone?

♪♪

All right. Just set it up there.

Let's see who's ready
to Bumble with Lopez.

- Let's see.
- [phone chimes]

Oh, that was fast.

- Uh-huh.
- [phone chimes]

Oh.

- [phone chimes]
- Oh, man, what?

Have I got the phone
upside down or what?

- [groaning]
- [phone chimes]

[chiming continues]

You know what, Manolo?
I really admire you

working so hard to get your GED.

Well, I don't want to go back to jail.

You're there all day and all night.

It's, like, relentless.

Well, we'd better get started.

Hey, I didn't know you were a smoker.

You look all innocent,
but you smoke cigarettes.

- Nope. Never have.
- Liar.

You're a smoker.

I bet you think you're
all wild and sh*t, huh?

Could we change the subject?

Wild thing, puff, puff.

It's not for cigarettes, okay?

It's a birth control patch.

I don't want to go into it.

Neither do I.

I think I'm getting
rid of this dating app.

I'm not into the women
that are swiping me.

That's crazy. Let me see who's on there.

Hey, what about her? She's cute

and she likes classic cars.

Oh, I'd consider her,
but she's, like, .

- You're .
- No, he's older.

That's what he had me put on Wikipedia.

Thanks. Tell everybody.

What happened to you wanting
to date a normal woman?

Well, normally, I like young girls.

Can I explain to you how the world works?

- Okay.
- Since I have, you know, some wealth,

that takes ten years off me.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

And, because I'm famous,
that takes another ten years,

so, really, that's
, but I could go ,

but for some reason,
they're not into me.

Women can be shallow.

Okay. I used to feel
sorry for you. Not anymore.

I like what I like.
Like, this one right here.

Like, she's okay, but she's got,
like, those "Town & Country" eyes.

Like, one is in the town and
one's looking at the country.

[laughing]

With that attitude, you
don't deserve anyone.

[phone chimes]

[clears throat] I don't deserve anyone?

How about that girl right there?

She said, "You wanna get
a bite?" I'd bite that.

Damn it. She's gorgeous.

She's not gorgeous. She's smokin'.

At least someone's smoking.

♪♪

Look at us, spending quality
time together on our phones,

not even talking.

Yep. It's nice.

Hey, Beautiful Mind,

shouldn't you be in
there studying with Olly?

She's going over my homework.

She's shaking her
head and writing a lot.

- That can't be good.
- No.

Hmm.

So, I've decided the best way to become

an Internet star is to Twitter.

I just don't know what to tweet.

Nobody does. That doesn't stop anybody.

Hey, you should just
tweet one of your rants.

- What do you mean, rants? I don't rant.
- Sure, you do.

You know when you complain
about stuff and don't shut up

and everyone gets depressed?
Those are hilarious.

I mean, I do tend to complain
a lot and I am hilarious.

Ooh, did I tell you about
my Uber driver last night?

Why am I wasting that on
you? That going to Twitter.

[Olly] Manolo.

That's you. There you go.

Take the apple in
there for your teacher.

So, George, when you going
out with this new lady?

Ah, we're having lunch tomorrow.

You know, we've just
been trading messages,

but I feel like there's a connection,

- like she knows me.
- That's cool, man.

- Can I see her?
- Yep.

How about that?

Yeah, I'm not surprised

- she seemed to know you, because she does.
- What?

Your old TV show. This
girl played your daughter.

Get the... Masiela?

No!

Oh, she's hot, though.
You raised her right.

Good luck with that. Father knows best.

How about that? George
Lopez is dating his daughter!

I always knew you could
be the Mexican Woody Allen.

I didn't even know it was Masiela.
I mean, it's been ten years.

She looks entirely different.
She dyed her hair.

Her hair? That's what
you noticed about her?

- She's tight.
- I don't know. I feel stupid.

Maybe she was just
reaching out to say hi.

Latino, please. Why
would she just say hi?

Because they're friends. Because
they worked together for a long time.

That's right. You know,
in situations like that,

sometimes humans form
things called friendships.

Maybe she mistook me for being human.

That's quitter talk. She reached
out to you on a dating website.

You're going to score.

♪♪

Oh, my God! George.

Masiela.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

- How are you?
- God, you look great.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, actually, you've changed a lot.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

I'm not daddy's little girl anymore.

Well, TV's daddy's girl.

[both laughing]

Yeah. My God, you look great.

- Oh, no, thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you. Hey, I was
a little thrown off,

you know, to see you on that app.

- Your hair was blonde.
- Oh, yeah.

That was... that was a brief phase.

- I had too much fun.
- Yeah.

And your name was Melissa on that thing.

Oh, no, it's just for the app.

- It's to keep the stalkers away.
- Yeah.

I've got stalkers too. They're
called divorce attorneys.

Oh, George, I heard about that.

- No, it's all right.
- I'm sorry.

Listen, they took
everything but my bitterness.

They'll never get that, those bastards.

[both laughing]

So, wow, what have you been doing
since the last time I saw you?

- Oof! Ooh! Still acting.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Of course.

- I've written some books.
- Oh, well, you were always smart.

I mean, what kind of books?

Ah, it's just prose, poetry.

I've translated the work
of Mother Teresa, so...

Yeah, Mother Teresa. You know what?

I heard she was hard to work with.

You have no idea.

- [both laughing]
- That's funny.

So, what about you?
What have you been up to

that I haven't heard on TMZ?

Oh, well, thanks. You know, I'm excited

about this new show that I'm
working on called "Valleys."

- Oh, I heard about that.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a
Mexican "True Detective."

- Right.
- No, it's so cool.

- So cool.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But what else? You
know, outside of work?

- Outside of work?
- Outside of work.

Uh...

uh, we should probably get a couple of...

- Drinks?
- Drinks.

So, if you want to multiply
one-half times two-thirds,

what's the first thing you do?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
stuck on something else.

How many guys are you with that
you need a birth control patch?

Manolo, could we just
keep it to math, please?

Okay, sorry.

So, what's the first thing you do?

Okay, if you must know,

I don't wear the patch
for birth control.

- It's hormone therapy for acne.
- Oh.

Yeah. Well, I used to get
teased really bad in high school

'cause I got really bad breakouts,

and it's not really something
I like to talk about.

Sorry to hear that. I'm
being teased at school

- by a pregnant woman smoking a vape pen.
- That's horrible.

Yeah, she's really mean.

Oh, no, I meant the
pregnant and smoking thing.

Oh, but I'm sure it's
tough for you as well.

People suck, but math
is always there for you.

- [laughing]
- Los Feliz, huh?

That's a pretty good neighborhood.

Well, it's actually
pronounced "Los Felice."

- Oh, "Los Felice."
- But the neighbors call the cops

on anybody who says it like that.

[both laughing]

But, no, it's great there.
I'm really happy there.

I just felt like I needed
a... I needed a change.

- No, I get that.
- My divorce, you know,

surprisingly, it took me a
little bit longer to get over it,

and then, with Erica in Cuba, you know,

the house is so big, and it's just me.

- It's... it's lonely.
- Yeah, I get that. I understand lonely.

That's why I'm online dating, you know.

You know, it's just,
I want to find someone

that I can just connect
with on a personal level.

- Right.
- Even if it's just for a night.

- Yeah.
- George.

- Yeah?
- You're being uncomfortable right now.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- Yes, you are.
- No, no.

I am not that little girl

that played your TV daughter anymore.

- You have to stop seeing me that way.
- I don't see you like that.

I am a full-grown woman now.

- You are a full-grown woman.
- Mm-hmm.

- And let's toast to that.
- Cheers.

Cheers to...

Mmm!

- Oh!
- Hold on. So you're actually thinking

of dating Masiela?

What's wrong with that, Olly? She's .

Yeah, but you practically
raised her, George.

Think about it.
Remember that one episode

where Carmen got into a funk when
her best friend Toby moved away?

- You helped her cope.
- That's TV, fool.

Come on, that's not my real daughter!

She's not even Latina. She's Albanian.

- Where is Albania, anyway?
- I don't know.

And you see? For that reason
alone, it should make it all right.

You make a strong case,
jefe. I approve.

- Órale.
- I do too, but word of advice,

don't do that groaning thing you do

every time you get up out of a chair.

It's just not attractive
to younger women.

Wait a minute. I don't do that, do I?

Yeah, you go something like, Oh! Ai!

Ooh! Ah!

Yes. That's it. To a T.
That's exactly it.

George, listen, I cannot advise
against this strongly enough, okay?

Dating your TV daughter
is not gonna look good.

If this gets into the tabloids,
it's gonna k*ll "Valleys."

Uh, I disagree.

Mickey Rourke dated Evan Rachel Wood

and she played his
daughter in "The Wrestler."

Now she's on "Westworld"
and he's still alive.

You see? Okay, I think you're
being a little bit dramatic.

Okay, Masiela and I are both
consenting adults, all right?

She's not my daughter in real
life and we have a connection.

Why not explore that? Come on.

Just because we acted in
a show a long time ago.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to call her back.

[line ringing]

Hey, Masiela. Hey, it's
George. What's going on?

I'm out here, just working on the car.

No, you can call me "Georgie."
That's cool. I kind of like it.

[groaning] I cannot listen
to you do your flirty voice.

- [laughing]
- Enjoy.

♪♪

Okay. So, what did I teach you?

You find the common denominator
and then you add the numerators.

Perfect. Uhh! You're gonna do great.

- [bell ringing]
- I hope so.

Manolo, don't worry. You're
not gonna go back to jail.

It's not just that. I want
to be more than just the guy

who drives George Lopez around
because we grew up together.

Like, maybe I could be his assistant

and help him read scripts
and sh*t like that.

Sounds kind of stupid, huh?

No. No more stupid than
starting a "magency,"

at least according to most of the town.

Has George said anything? Is he
happy with how things are going?

I don't think he's ever
happy, but he really likes you

and he thinks you're doing a great job.

Well, here it goes.

You still gonna buy me ice cream after the
test?

For a C or better, yeah. Go on.

You know, so it's a state dinner

- for the president of Mexico, so...
- Mm-hmm.

Barack Obama comes over and he says,

he says, George, you
didn't eat your mole?

And I said, come on, man, you
don't have to use that voice.

You won. You don't have to run again.

And he looked around and he
said, man, eat your chicken.

[both laughing]

- I miss Obama.
- Yeah, I miss him too.

Who doesn't miss Obama? Wow.

Oh, my God! What the hell?

- Constance is here.
- Constance who?

Constance Marie, our former co-star.

- Oh, my God! George!
- Hey!

Come here! Give me some love!

What a surprise. Hey.

- Hi.
- Masiela, is that you?

Oh!

Oh, look at you!

George, our baby's all grown up.

Yeah, well, she's not our baby,
but, you know, she's grown up.

Ah! Look at this! I mean, it's
like a mini "George Lopez" reunion.

How fun!

Ooh, I heard through
the grapevine about your new show.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks.

And I don't want to be pushy,

but I would love to be
considered for the female lead.

You know, I wouldn't ask if
the script wasn't so strong.

No, of course not, but
there's not a script yet.

I know you. It's gonna be amazing.

I'm sure it will be, Constance.

- It was so great to see you.
- Yeah.

- So good.
- Really good.

I hope it's not another ten
years before we see each...

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure. What's going on?

- I see what's happening here.
- What?

She's already lobbying you
for the part, isn't she?

- There is no part.
- That Albanian bitch.

She already took one Mexican's job.

- I'll be damned if she takes mine.
- No, no, relax, relax.

- Masiela's not looking for a part.
- Really?

Then why is she all tarted
up and looking guilty, hmm?

That's a good question.

Oh. Ew!

- No "ew"!
- Ew!

She's . I mean, on the fame scale,

I could date somebody that's .

George, she played our daughter!

Okay, but she's not our daughter.

I mean, I didn't even want to cast her,

to tell you the truth, okay? The network

shoved her down my throat
and I'm glad they did...

[laughing]

...because we wouldn't be
having this great reunion

of the three of us together.

Wow. Where's, uh...

Max and the lady that played my mom?

♪♪

[laughing]

You know, so, the network,

they really didn't
shove you down my throat.

George, I get it. It
was an awkward situation.

Yes, it was. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, this is it.

- Yeah. Yep.
- It's nice.

Oh, yeah, thanks. It's
got a beautiful view.

You can see all of downtown.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

So, George, if I ask
for a glass of wine,

are you gonna card me?

[laughing]

So that's a yes or a no?

No, that's... Let's see
what I have in there.

Mmm. This is nice.

This is nice. To new beginnings.

[glasses clink]

- Ooh.
- This is amazing.

- This fire is just...
- It's hot.

- ...really giving off a lot of heat.
- Yeah.

Ooh. Mmm!

- That's better.
- Ooh. Much better.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- May I have a refill?
- Yes, you absolutely may.

Oh. Uh, yeah. Ah!

Yeah. There you go.

[clears throat, groans]

Yeah, so, Masiela,

you think you could be interested in me?

George, of course.

I mean, if it's written right.

Oh, yeah, you're
talking about "Valleys."

Yeah. I mean, I know it's a challenging
role.

But you can see I'm not a kid anymore.

I am a grown woman. I have a lot

of life experience I can pull from.

- I can do this.
- Yes, I know you can.

Here's the thing is that
we already hired an actress.

We hired a transgender actress.

We hired Coco.

Oh.

Yeah, but, you know, I
mean, I feel what you feel.

I think we have a connection, you and I.

I think we should probably
take the wine upstairs,

see where the night goes,
and it's a little weird,

but it also feels right.

[groaning]

That was fantastic!

That wasn't weird, right? Oh!

It was fun and it wasn't weird.

I'm glad you called.

Oh, I'm glad I called too.

I don't think I've had a
better time with a wife.

[exhaling]

- So, George...
- Yes, dear.

About that part on "Valleys"...

Okay, it just got weird.

I don't know if you've
heard, but we cast that part.

What? [sighing]

I'd ask for a small
part, but I just had one.

[sighing]

I'm proud of you, George.

You didn't sleep with your TV daughter

and you had a relationship
with an age-appropriate woman.

May I correct you? Not a relationship.

Relations. What kind of world is this?

I can't date my TV daughter,
I can't date my TV wife.

What about your TV mom? I
heard she held up pretty well.

- That's messed up.
- But at least now you're open

- to dating women your own age.
- No, I'm not.

Yo! Guess what, everyone?
I passed my test!

- Hey!
- C or better?

A B! Ice cream, right?

That's a hot fudge
sundae where I come from.

George, you want to come?

No, I'm good. I ate.

There's a ton of hot
waitresses there, all young.

I probably could fit some sorbet in,

- like mango or something light.
- Yeah.

The last one in the
Tesla is a rotten egg.

[laughing] How is that thing?

- It's good.
- [laughing]

[police radio chatter]

What the...?

[siren]

♪ Uh yeah yeah ♪

♪ That's right come
on come on come on ♪

♪ Uh yeah yeah ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪
- ♪ Come on come on ♪

♪♪

♪ Get your hands up
get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your hands up
get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your hands up
get your hands up ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪