02x06 - George Breaks In

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[George] Hector!

Not Amir's wife.

What you doing, dude?

Of course.

I'm not ashamed.

Oh, we know.

Damn, what...

What the hell are you doing, Hector?

I think they called it
second base in your day.

Okay, very funny.
Listen, here's the thing.

You don't go messing with
the women at work, okay?

You ever hear the expression
you don't sh*t where you eat?

Well, you really don't sh*t

where I pay almost $ ,
a month to play golf.

Well, where do you want me to...

[quietly whistles]

It's not that.

This is a life lesson, okay?
You don't have sex at work.

Okay, you know Helen right there?

You know what they call
her here at the club?

The th hole. The th...

Oh! Yes.

It's kind of funny.

There's a lot of writers here.

But here's the thing.

She's trouble and she's
looking for trouble.

And you don't need trouble.

No! That's how I get into trouble...

I can't help it, George, you know?

MILFs, cougars...

They can't keep their hands off me.

I know, listen, you're a handsome guy.

Okay, but you got a
great opportunity here.

And I don't wanna see you mess it up.

So, you want me to stop having
sex with Helen at the club?

You're already having sex at the club?!

No, no, mostly in the
walk-in refrigerator,

and a few times in
the... in the pool shed.

Nowhere. Don't have sex anywhere, okay?

Sorry I let you down.

You didn't let me down,
but here's the thing, man.

A job is very important.

You gotta do whatever
you can do to protect it.

How'd you learn that?

I learned it the hard
way, by my mistakes!

I wasn't like you having sex
with everybody, all right?

Alright? I learned it by AM radio.

That's what you probably
need to get, an AM radio.

Keeps you calm.

And wear a condom all the time.

Like, all the time!

Come on, I'll give you a
ride home, cochino.

♪♪

So you don't want me
working at the club anymore?

No, there's too many
bad influences there.

I shoulda known.

Think I just want you to
stick with me for right now.

It's a really nice club, though.

Yeah, of course, come on.

♪♪

[door closes]

Oh, man, I can't get used
to you in those glasses.

What'd your optometrist say?

You have to look like
an idiot the whole time?

Only if I wanna see.

You know, I was thinking...

You know that restaurant, the Odyssey,

that overlooks the Valley?

I'm thinking about using that place

as, like, the headquarters for
my character on my new show.

I gotta get this thing
rolling already, though.

It must be frustrating, jefe.

Yeah, but, you know, I still
have the grill to work on.

All right.

[doorbell rings]

Hector? Get the door!

[doorbell chimes]

Is somebody gonna get the door?!

Come on.

[Manolo] They're gonna see you!

Anybody gonna get the door?

Get down!

What do you mean "get down?"
What are you guys doing?

Oh, man.

Those friends of yours, Hector?

- [doorbell chimes]
- No!

[man at door] Manolo! Hector!

Have you heard the good
news about Jesus Christ?

Oh, man, Triumph Seekers?

Man, those the dudes that got Mike.

He was never the same.

Stopped drinking and got married.

He had kids, destroyed him.

When I was getting out,
they said they'll find me.

And keep me from straying.

Did you pray with them?

They were in the yard. Hey
seemed okay at the time.

That's all right, I think
they're leaving, hang on.

We're clear.

- [exhales]
- Listen, I love Jesus a lot.

Those guys go overboard.

I love Jesus. I even
have a tattoo of Him.

But those guys are hardcore.

All they wanna do is love Jesus.

They're persuasive, too,
like, when they talk,

they got, like, hypnotic powers.

Mike, remember that time they had him?

Holding up traffic, grabbing that cross

out in the middle of the street?

They seem so at peace, it's unsettling.

They... they say masturbating's a sin.

Is that true, George?

You know, I can understand the question,

because a lot of people your age, gamers,

that's a big concern they have.

I would say don't abuse it.

And don't... in Erica's room,

'cause that's a sin in the house,
like a... like a house sin.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing, just thinking.

Well, would you mind, uh,
thinking without those glasses on?

Then I can't read.

You know, ever since I got these glasses,

I've been reading recreationally.

That's what Wendy calls reading for fun.

Congratulations, but you know what?

Those glasses make you look pompous.

And if I didn't know
you, and we weren't tight,

I'd probably get another dude
probably jack that chain off your neck.

- [knock on door]
- Oh!

They're back!

- What are you do...
- Get, get, back up!

What? Your Triumph Seekers?

Honestly, y'all should not be living
in such fear of the good word.

You could use a little bit of guidance.

Listen, man, don't let 'em in the house.

They're like vampires for the Lord.

Once they get in your
house, they don't leave.

Well, I was raised in the church.

I know how to handle
these type of people.

- I'm a...
- Hi.

- Oh.
- [gasps] You.

- Hey.
- Great news.

We are all set for the meeting at GVN.

Oh, wow, that's great.

And I did some due diligence.

This is the best
shopping network on TV.

It's owned by this one
woman, Lori Strahan.

She built it from the ground up,

and now she's a billionaire.

Anyway, her VP of Marketing's
gonna be in the meeting,

- and he can pull the trigger.
- Wow, that's amazing.

Hey, what about "Valleys"?
Any word on that?

We are getting close
to locking down a VBDW.

Well, what... What's a VBDW?

A "very big deal writer", George.

Wow, that's great, Olly, nice work.

- [alert pings]
- Pfeiffer?

No! No! [exhales]

George, do you have a Dr.
Pepper? Pfeiffer's thirsty.

I don't... I have to check. Where is she?

- I made her wait in the car.
- Oh.

- [alert pings]
- Oh, definitely no!

Jason just wants a quickie!

Don't you want him in a
good mood for the pitch?

Wait a minute, that's not Jason,
our network executive, is it?

Yes... that's that Jason.

Your... your sister is
having sex with Jason,

our network executive?

That can't be good. Or
could it be very good?

Okay, I don't see it,
but just to be safe,

make sure that your sister
keeps having sex with him.

Will do.

The Smith Goldberg
sisters are on the case.

I didn't say you, I said her.

Hmm, right, good.

To be clear, I'm not
having sex with anyone.

Fantastic, let me see
if I got a Dr. Pepper.

♪♪

But just let him meet with George.

What? So, that's the
fifth writer at your agency

who's become unavailable
while we're on the phone.

No, I'm not calling you a liar,

but I think we can agree you are ly-ing!

Ugh! I'm not getting anywhere
with these stupid agents.

I need to talk directly to the writers.

Why don't you just slide into their DMs?

Don't try to out hip me.

I was the youngest manager at Four Arts.

So you know what I'm talking about?

- No.
- Okay.

A DM is a Direct Message.

Anytime I wanna bone someone fancy,

I just find their
Twitter, their Instagram,

their Twitch, whatever
and send 'em a message.

They respond because it's
seen as personal connection.

Except I don't want to bone them.

Yeah! They don't know that, though.

And they'll respond and then pretend

like they didn't just
think you wanted to bone.

Hmph.

- That's actually worth a try.
- Mm-hmm.

But your boning could be

a little bit of a problem for me.

Yeah? But you're already
having sex with Jason,

so keep doing that.

Finish what you started and everything.

But just don't bone anyone else that

I'm trying to do business with, okay?

- Does that make sense?
- Yeppers.

Okay.

If this DM things works, I
might consider loving you.

[loud smack]

[grunts]

♪♪

Mr. Lopez, we are all huge fans

and are very excited
about your product idea.

Oh, thank you so much, you know, I...

I was hoping I would be
better prepared, but, uh...

Hey, what does this do?

Makes the perfect omelet.

Oh, what about this?

Makes the perfect waffle.

Yeah, well, I don't have...

uh, actually have any grills made.

I wanted to before we met, but, um...

Not a problem.

Miss Strahan, uh...

We had no idea you were
even in the country.

I wasn't, until I heard George Lopez

was coming for a meeting.

Wow.

Okay, well, welcome, uh...
Can I pitch my grill now?

George, you don't need to sell me.

I'm a very big fan.

George, it is truly a
pleasure to meet you.

Wait a minute, is that
a World Series ring?

' Dodgers.

I thought you'd never notice.

Kirk Gibson gave it to me.

So you're a Kirk Gibson
fan or are you a Dodger fan?

Oh, no, I bleed Dodger blue.

Now, can I have my hand back?

Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.

[all chuckling]

I know you're a big Dodger fan.

Who do you hate more? The
Giants or Donald Tr*mp?

Oh, wow, that's, uh... [clearing throat]

Wow, Donald Tr*mp's not in our division.

But I think I have enough
hate for Donald Tr*mp

and the San Francisco Giants

and a little left over,
you know, for "The Wall."

[laughter]

I don't believe you.

Oh, believe him. He does.

Who is this?

I'm Hector, Hector Lopez.

Not his son. No, he's not my son.

He's just, uh, hanging out with us today.

Everybody have a seat.

Uh, not you. I'm taking you on a tour.

Show you what you're getting into.

- Oh, all right.
- Follow me.

I have to get out more.

Like, I'm having trouble
coming up with stuff

that piss me off for my rants.

If I put on Fox News, I'm
sure something will come up.

- You can't!
- Why?

- George put a block on it.
- When? What?

Man, this stuff is hard, bro.

And so much of it.

Math, History, English.

It's really k*lling me.

You'll do great, but not
if you stress yourself out.

You need to blow off some steam.

Really?

Yup, and I know just the place.

I'm taking you down to where they call

Rodeo Drive "ro-dee-oh."

Get your phone, let's go.

- You like black people?
- Yeah.

- A lot of 'em?
- Yeah.

It doesn't look like much,
but it gets the job done.

I sell for dough not for show.

You sound like a golfer.

Drive for show and putt for dough.

I know my way around the links.

In fact, I sold four million
Caddy Daddies last year.

- Oh, that was you?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow, me and my friends all have those.

Now this is Studio One. That'll be yours.

The control room is right there.

Call stations are throughout the building

so when you make your CTA, we have
all hands on deck to take orders.

Okay, uh, CTA?

CTA, "Call To Action."

That's when you tell your viewers

to pick up the phone and order.

If they don't, they might
just sit back and watch you.

But, George, when you make your CTA,

they will run across the
room and make those orders.

How do you know that?

Because I know sellers. And you can sell.

- So, just... relax.
- Okay.

All you need to do is show up and be you.

[sighs] Oh, all right.

Well, I can do that.

And I'll take care of everything.

- All right.
- Trust me.

I trust you.

I'm gonna show you something else.

- You're gonna love this.
- Okay.

♪♪

[Olly clears throat]

You know, you guys don't
have to stay here with us.

Yes, we do.

We have not been dismissed.

Oh, Lori runs a tight ship, huh?

[phone vibrating]

[clears throat]

Oh! Oh! My God, A DM reply!

[gasps] DM is Direct Message.

And it works. I love you.

Thank you. Isn't she pretty?

[George] Oh, man, wow, that was great!

Yeah, well, it's one of those days,

'cause I've got even greater great.

We've got a meeting with
our top writer, Baxter Levy.

Oh, my God, we're rolling!

Hey, isn't Lori great?

I mean, like, really,
really, really impressive.

Beautiful and impressive, wow!

Hey, George, don't sh*t
where you eat, right?

What are you talk...

You're talking about that, that...

No! Come on, shut up. When's the meeting?

- : .
- All right, we should loop Coco in

- and make sure that she's there.
- Good idea.

Oh, hey.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

- Baxter Levy is a great writer.
- Right.

You know he dated Megan
Fox? And Olivia Munn?

Oh, that's good to know
for the meeting and stuff.

- Oh, and last year's "Bachelorette."
- Oh, her too?

♪♪

I want "Valleys" to make some noise.

I want it to be visceral and real.

You know, I'm a huge fan of your work,

and I think you could take
this project to the next level.

- Alec Monopoly!
- Ah, what's up, George?

What's up, Alec?
Oh, that's Alec Monopoly.

That dude's art is L.A.

Oh, well, maybe we should have you do

some set designs for "Valleys."

Yeah, I'm gonna take a
break from my museum shows.

Whoops.

George, I wanna be honest with you

because lying is for
liars and sociopaths.

I hate everything you've done.

Well, then... What am I doing here?

When I heard that you had Coco,

I knew you were pushing some envelopes.

I like pushing envelopes.

And I like surprising people.

People are gonna say,
"Baxter, you've won Emmys.

Why are you working with George Lopez?"

And then we'll show them.

And then we'll turn their
perceptions inside out.

All right, that's what I'm into.

That's what I'm... So, you're in?

I'm gonna take Coco for a ride.

And then we'll talk business.

[engine revs]

Well, this has been an interesting day,

wouldn't you say?

[hip-hop playing, people cheering]

Yeah, thanks, y'all!
Check me out on Facebook!

[cheering continues]

Yo, I'm not sure I fit in.

Everybody's staring at us.

Oh, it's nothing.

Ay yo! Maronzio! Dude, rant on me.

Come on, something about
me's gotta piss you off!

Just you having a boyfriend.

Ahh! A'ight!

Ay, live stream me baby!

Ahh! Hey!

I think I'm breaking through
the Twittersphere, my friend!

- Nice!
- Yeah.

Yo, they got an open mic!

- Say what?
- Get on stage!

Big white boy can rap?

Hey, they think I'm white!

Get on the stage!

[whooping and cheering]

[rapping in Spanish]

Miss Wendy?!

Yeah, looks like somebody
gonna get some extra credit.

"Just trust me."

Huh.

Oh, man, this grill is working
better than I had imagined.

- Look at that char!
- And indoors.

This is a great grill.

Authentic Mexican flavor without
the authentic Mexican mess

or finding an oil drum
or burning furniture

for, like, that mesquite taste.

Jefe, if you don't
need me next Thursday,

I was gonna go back to open
mic night and rap again.

Yeah, of course. But, listen, hey...

Don't let that get in the way
of of your studies, cholo.

Oh, he don't have to
worry about his studies.

- [chuckling]
- He's right.

As a matter of fact,
Wendy's already a big fan.

Wendy, who? Wendy, your GED teacher?

Yeah, we stood up all night
talking and doing her nails.

Let me tell you something.

No, that, that, that's a
mistake, that's no good.

Manolo, you can't mix
business and pleasure.

I don't know why, but George knows.

I'ma tell both of you why.

Because both of you
guys are convicted felons

and you have probation officers.

And the last thing either
of you guys need is trouble.

But we're not dating.
She's just helping me out.

Manolo, I saw how she looked at you.

Serious d*ck eye.

Listen, Manolo, you
can't date your teacher.

Why not?! You dated your daughter!

I didn't date my daughter, all right?

That was a mistake.

I don't believe in rules or boundaries.

Like, take Chandra and I.

We never got married.

But we never really broke up.

And she doesn't hold me back.

Save that for the couch over there
with Jerry Springer.

Listen, don't listen
to this fool right here.

If he was in prison,
you know where you'd see him?

In the bakery, man, crying,

making his own dough from the tears.

He's a mistake waiting to happen.

I'm blowing up.

Oh, my God, you made me burn my machaca!

All right, thanks, thank you, thank you.

[Lori] George...

Oh, when do we start rehearsing?

Oh, we go live in five minutes.

- What?
- George, I want you to be you.

I want it to be honest,
and I want it to be real

because I know you can sell.

Okay, damn right I can sell.

The only thing I don't want
you to do is hump the price.

The star never humps the price.

I'm sorry, can you... I got this.

Can you say it again?

The star never humps the price.

It demeans the star and the product.

Right. Who does hump the price?

Your co-host.

Who's my co-host?

Well, % of our audience is women,

so we want someone
with energy and charisma

and someone who is drop-dead gorgeous.

Him.

Me?

- Him?
- I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

And you are going to be great.

Trust me.

♪♪

[whispering] I'll be watching.

Hi, everybody, I'm George Lopez.

And I'm here... [chuckles]

I'm here to sell you a grill!

The George Lopez Indoor Mexican Grill

from America's favorite
Mexican, George Lopez, that's me.

[bleep] yeah!

Hey, man, you can't cuss on TV.

What's wrong with you, man?

George, look in all the cameras.

Yeah, uh, I've worked

multi-camera situations
before, thank you.

Relax, George, sell the grill.

Ah, okay, ah, listen, everybody,

this grill is great,

really great.

It's almost like cooking outdoors,

indoors without the fuss or muss.

And whatever you wanna cook.

You wanna cook carne asada.

You wanna cook pollo, chicken.

Or if you wanna cook something
that's not Mexican, I get you.

You could cook a... A
grill cheese, a panini.

Salmons... you know, variations?

Ahem. Is that thing working right there?

How come they're not
calling, this grill's great.

And... and the grease
goes out to the side.

And it's only . .

It's . , [bleep].

Oh, man, you made me hump my own price!

You trying to tell me
it's only . ?! Yeah.

- That's awesome!
- It is.

Oh, man, look, people are calling.

Now the CTA.

Oh, the Call To Action, yeah.

Hey, listen, everybody that's out there,

this is a grill that you want, okay?

This is a grill, whatever you...
cholos, the cholas.

Whether red or black, Blood or Crips.

Let's unite and make it
right and let's grill tonight.

Pick up the phone and call right now.

Look at this surface.

It is the hardest surface on...

Well, there's something
quite resembling this.

Look at that, ladies.

I think you understand
what I'm talking about, huh?

Whoop-whoop!

Grab a glass of wine
and pick up that phone

and get those rollover minutes.

You hear 'em right there?

So, anything you can grill,

you can Lopez grill.

You can grill it all, yeah!

Hey, listen, everybody
that's out there...

Me grill!

Hmph!

[keypad beeping]

Well, that apparently went very well.

And more people will see
that than a sitcom these days.

What kind of backhanded
compliment is that?

- Hmm.
- You were awesome, jefe.

I need to get mami one of those.

Yeah, all right, thanks, you guys.

Appreciate it.

I'll talk to you later then, too.

[sighs] George...

That went well, huh?

We have a hit, a real hit.

I told you, trust me.

You did tell me to trust you.

Guess you told Hector
to trust you too, huh?

I don't know what to do
with all this trust going on.

Well, maybe I can do
something about that.

How's that?

You'll have to trust me.

- Right.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- To you, George.

To you.