01x08 - Man Without a Health Plan

[bunniefuu]

(laughing): Arthur,
did you see your sign?

You're kidding me. They got me again?

Got what?

Oh, every spring, those senior girls

from Blessed Heart, they mess
with my Superior Donuts sign.

It's a classic prank.

They unplug some letters
so it says "Super Nuts."

(Franco laughs)

"Super nuts" can also mean huge balls.

(laughs)

Hilarious!

Actually, it's a tradition.

When I was a senior at
Blessed Heart, I did it.

And by "did it," I mean started it.

That's cute. Couple schoolgirls
do it, it's a prank.

I do it, it's a felony.

(laughing)

(chuckling): Did you guys see the sign?

I know it's wrong, but I'm a
sucker for a good ball joke.

(laughing)

Why do they always hit my shop, huh?

"Buttons and Stuff" right
down the street, huh?

You got it? Butt stuff.

(laughing)

Every year he gets so upset.

It's a harmless prank,

like the time I passed out,

and my brother wrote
"loser" on my forehead

in permanent marker.

I had just lost my job,

so it really did a
number on me emotionally.

But at the end of the day it was funny.

To him.

I miss my pranking days.

Yesterday you filled
my holster with pudding.

(laughing): Yeah. I miss yesterday.

Oh, Arthur,

please don't tell me
you're about to climb that.

- ARTHUR: Why not?
- Because you're .

You're pretty much made
of eggshells and nose hair.

Oh, come on, what are you talking about?

I got this. Here, take a look.

(grunting, joints cracking)

Want to hop on my back, smart guy, huh?

I could do this all day.

Please stop.

Your knees sound like someone

biting into a Kit Kat.

Arthur, just let Franco fix the sign.

Yeah, it's why you hired one of them.

What? A helper.

Okay, stop being proud
and give me the ladder.

- All right, all right, fine.
- Okay.

Just take 'em out of the plugs.

- Unplug plugs.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

You'll figure it out
when you get up there.

Yes, yes.

There's no shame in accepting help.

It doesn't mean you're
old, just that you're wiser.

Which is another word for old.

No, you wouldn't believe
how many emergency calls

start out with someone
getting on a ladder

to put up their Christmas lights.

Do you remember that guy?

He grabbed a strand of lights

and got electrocuted
before hanging himself.

His family is Jewish now.

(Franco cries out)

Franco!

What happened?

- Are you all right?
- You all right?

I think I twisted my ankle. (groans)

FAWZ: Oh, my God!

(laughing): "Superior Nuts."

Which could also mean

the finest testicles.

He's hurt. I'm healing with laughter.

(laughing)

♪

ARTHUR: Oh, there he is.

What'd they say about your ankle?

Well, he said I should
ice it, wrap it up,

and check out the sale on Easter candy.

Your doctor sells candy?

No, it was a security
guard at Walgreens.

And he gave me this
from the lost and found.

Well, I think it makes you
look very distinguished.

Throw on a monocle, you'll
look just like Mr. Peanut.

Oh, I'm sorry, is that r*cist?

Why would that be r*cist?

I don't know, it just felt wrong.

(laughing)

Maya, is Mr. Peanut black?

You asked me that yesterday,
and the answer is still

stop asking me that.

Franco, why don't you go see a doctor?

Well, funny thing is,

doctors would like you to
have money or insurance.

And I got neither.

Arthur, are you telling me

you don't have a health
plan for your employees?

Employee. It's very expensive

for a small business to do that.

I'd have to raise the
price of the donuts

from cents to a buck .

Suck it up, Franco, you're on your own.

Come on, man, I'm used to this.

When you grow up broke, you
can't just run to the doctor

every time you sneeze.

You couldn't afford to go to the doctor?

What did your therapist say?

I'm just gonna sit down.

I don't need a doctor, all right?

I got my Grandma Cici.

You know, she's the
queen of home remedies.

You got a cold, she gives
you whiskey and lemon.

All right, if you got an ear infection,

she blows cigarette smoke in your ear.

So, basically, you grew up in a casino.

I feel terrible, you know?

I-I wish I was in a position

to offer you insurance.

Yeah, it's tough not having insurance.

I lost mine when they
shut down the factory.

Took me three years to
pay off a kidney stone

that was clogging up the old p*stol.

(strained exhale)

(laughing)

It's ridiculous. You know we're one

of the only developed countries

that doesn't offer
universal health care?

Oh, boo-hoo.

I'm playing the world's
tiniest rababa.

It is an Iraqi violin.

Very sad. Very sad.

You're saying you don't offer
your employees health care?

American workers get
everything handed to them.

Sick days, and time
off to have a baby. Ha!

In Iraq, if you go into labor,

you hold it in until lunch.

(laughing)

And the baby finishes the
day out in the mailroom.

Hey, wait a second, wait a second.

I just realized,

when I hired you,

I had to get workman's comp insurance.

You got hurt on the job,
so you should be covered.

No, no, no, I don't want
this to cost you anything.

No, no, no, no, it's not
gonna cost me anything.

I already paid for it.

Well, uh...

since you already paid for it,

I guess it does hurt so
bad that I want to die.

Uh-huh.

You know what my workman's comp is?

Telling whoever's hurt

that there are seven people in line

that would do their
job for half the price.

Fawz, you would have made a
great plantation owner, man.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

(sighs): Yes, Grandma,
I drank the vinegar

and put the pennies in my shoes.

No, I'm not rubbing snake venom

and volcanic ash on my foot.

'Cause I don't own a snake, Grandma.

Or a volcano.

All right, Grandma. I got to go.

Love you, G. Peace. Be good.

- Franco.
- Yeah.

This is my insurance guy, Gary.

Oh, no introduction necessary.

(chuckles): I'm sure he
recognizes me from my TV spots.

You know, people are always stopping me,

trying to get me to do my catch phrase.

It's nice to meet you, man.

Fine, you wore me down.

Okay.

"When things get hairy, call Gary."

♪ -CALL-GARY. ♪

He's very inexpensive.

So, what happened?

Well, I fell off a ladder,

and I think I might
have broken something.

Yeah, and it was on the
job, so he's covered, right?

Oh, you betcha. Yeah,
it's like that plumber

in my commercial who
gets bopped on the noggin.

What does he do?

He listens to those cartoon
birds flying above his head,

and he dials...

♪ -CALL-GARY. ♪

Literally no one cheaper.

Okay, so you need to
fill out these forms.

- Alright.
- And the state of Illinois

- requires a drug test.
- For what?

Well, to make sure you haven't
used any controlled substances

in the past days.

Thanks for coming, Gary.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, look, uh, sorry, guys.
I would look the other way,

but the attorney
general is investigating.

♪ Ol' Gary. ♪

- Ooh.
- Mm-hmm.

Damn it, kid,

you can't even pass the drug test.

(scoffs): Could you?

I'll cancel the policy

if we're both going to smoke weed.

(grunts): Man, I was really
hoping this would work out.

- Me, too.
- (sighs)

What the hell am I gonna do now?

Man, you don't have to
do anything, all right?

I'll be okay.

No. You're my employee.

- I'm responsible for you.
- No.

No. I can take care of myself.

It's my problem.

You know where I can find a
volcano in Chicago, though?

(laughing)

I'll just Google it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Okay. Whew! Well, y'all were right.

Turns out it's a little broken.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad you
finally went to the doctor.

Nah. I looked up some symptoms online.

Tenderness, swelling and
whenever I put weight on it,

there's a sound like... (screams)

(laughing)

So, um, h-how did you get the cast?

Oh, it's homemade.

I used some things I
found in the kitchen.

Look, the heel's a soup ladle.

This is crazy, Franco.

You have to go to a doctor.

Randy, with the X-rays
and the extra fees,

that's gonna cost me
about a couple grand.

What about the free clinic?

Well, I called them. When I told them

I had a broken foot, they
gave me an appointment.

In three months.

I think it's very resourceful.

Thank you, Maya. See?

I made it out of
paper-mâché and newspapers.

(grunts): You want to sign it?

Uh-oh.

My horoscope says that I should
stay away from Capricorns today.

Well, that's funny,
'cause I'm a Capri...

(screams)

- Ah, sorry.
- It's cool.

It's cool. I'll just, uh...

plug it up with some
dough in the kitchen.

(grunts): Whew!

'Sup, James?

(laughing)

He's got to go to a doctor.

Take him to yours.

I can't. He d*ed eight years ago.

W-Wait a minute. You
haven't seen a doctor

in eight years?

I don't need to. I outlived my doctor.

I won.

I'm just gonna have to find
the money and pay for it myself.

Maybe you should let us help.

Yeah, we could raise the
money and surprise him with it.

That's a great idea.

I do fund-raisers at
school all the time.

We could have a bake sale.

Maya, this is a donut shop.

It's a seven-day-a-week
bake sale.

Right. I'll do a GoFundMe campaign.

I can chip in.

I just made bucks
in our office pool.

Every month, we guess how many John Does

will be fished out of the lake.

Six and a half, baby.

(laughing)

Oh, ooh.

I could put on a magic show.

I did one for the Police
Foundation benefit.

Yeah, he put on his cape and
all the women disappeared.

(laughing)

Thank you, guys. Um, but
let's keep this between us.

I mean, you know how Franco gets. Huh?

- Hey, let me get in on this.
- No, that's all right, Tush.

We know you've been strapped lately.

Hardly. I've been invited

to do a clinical trial
of antidepression dr*gs.

They test them on humans

because monkeys are too
stupid to sign the waiver.

But not this guy.

(laughing)

♪ ♪

Maya, nice work on the can.

Where'd you get such a
sad picture of Franco?

I might've Photoshopped
some baby seal eyes on him.

Ah.

And put his head on
the body of Tiny Tim.

Well, here is my contribution.

Oh, Fawz, I'm impressed.

Oh, it's just pocket change.

From the pockets of the people
that drop off their clothes

at my dry cleaners.

Minus the quarters, of course.

Hey, guys?

Anybody there?

Tush, what's wrong?

Oh, turns out that drug's

not quite ready for the marketplace.

I'm experiencing some
temporary blindness.

And nausea and enlarged breasts.

Which sucks because I'm
too blind to check 'em out.

But, for Franco, it's all worth it.

Okay. Thanks, Tush.

Oh, this is amazing.

We have almost $ .

I'm gonna match it
with yesterday's take.

We had a good day.

The president made a speech.

There was a lot of stress-eating.

We're almost at our goal.

Let's keep passing the can around.

Care to make a donation
for our injured friend?

Sorry.

Put ten dollars in that can,

or I'll give you a $ ticket.

Your van's parked in the red.

It's just a little bit in there.

That's what my ex said.

Nine months later, we had a kid.

(Franco groaning)

(whoops)

Sorry I'm late.

My soup ladle got
caught in an escalator.

Poor bastard. Make it $ .

(chuckles) What was that?

Well, you weren't supposed

to find out about it yet, but, uh...

Surprise!

What is that?

We took a collection.
There should be enough there

to cover your medical costs.

Everyone contributed, even Fawz.

Yes, and because we are friends,

you can pay me back whenever you want.

(laughing)

He's not paying you back.

Okay. Then you will owe me a favor.

Forget it. I'm not taking your money.

Why not?

Because I'm not some damn charity case.

This is embarrassing, man...

You Photoshopped my
head on Oliver Twist.

(laughing)

It's actually Tiny Tim.

Who cares? Stop putting my
face on sad British boys!

Oh, come on, kid. Stop being so proud.

- We're just trying to help you.
- Well, don't!

I already told you. I
didn't need your help.

And you did it anyway. Well,
let me tell you something.

I've been taking care
of myself since I was ,

and I've been doing just fine.

Now if you'll excuse
me, I got to get to work.

(grunting)

See you.

Later.

Almost there.

Is he still storming out?

Let me know when we can talk about him.

(laughing)

♪ ♪

Morning.

Hey, Tush, you can see again.

Yep. My eyes are fine.

Having a few short-term
memory problems,

but the good news is: my eyes are fine.

(laughing)

Just having a few
short-term memory problems.

- (panting): Thanks.
- (bell rings)

Are you kidding? Where the
hell did you get that thing?

Well, you know that hospital
supply store on Foster Avenue?

Yeah. Yeah, there's
a junkyard next door,

and somebody just threw this away.

ARTHUR: Oh, for God's sake!

You can't do your job in that thing.

Yes, I can. All right?

(grunts)

And I wouldn't be here if
I didn't need the money.

Now, who wants some coffee?

I could use one, young man.

All right. Coming right
up. What's up, man?

All right. Yeah...

Here we go.

Cup of coffee.

Cup of joe.

All right.

(shouts)

Oh, I am so sorry, Tush.

- Tush, you all right?
- Yep.

I don't feel a thing.

Here's a list of side effects.

Would you call this numbness

or "loss of feeling in extremities"?

Hey, would you give me that thing?

I mean, you, you're gonna k*ll somebody.

I'm sorry, man.

Hi, I'll take a pound
of pistachios, please.

What the hell are you talking...
Oh, geez. "Superior Nuts."

No, this is a donut shop, I'm sorry.

So no pistachios?

Uh, here. Take a Crunchy Munchie,

you can lick the nuts off 'em.

I can't believe I forgot
to take care of that sign.

What are you doing?

Yo, Arthur, we talked about this, man.

You are too old to be
climbing that ladder.

Yeah, let one of us do it.

I'd volunteer, but I might
be suffering from dizziness

or "irregular periods."

I don't need help. I've
been climbing this ladder

for years. I'm fine.

(shouts)

- Yo! What's wrong?
- It's my back. I can't move.

- Okay, well, come here.
- I got you. No, I can't move.

- I got you, come here.
- No. Oh, okay.

- All right. It's okay.
- Ow, ow, ow.

- It's okay. It's all right.
- Ow, ow.

Ow, my foot!

Ow, my back!

Ow!

Ow!

Hot coffee!

(laughing)

I guess that numbness was temporary!

Oh, for God's sake.

Uh, this is Officer
DeLuca at Superior Donuts.

- We need an ambulance for, um...
- (groans)

You know, there's
really no code for this.

Just come.

Might be a muscle thing,
might be a slipped disc.

At your age, we should get you
to the hospital for an MRI...

No. No, no, no. No hospital.

No hos... Look, I'm fine, huh?

I can walk.

I just don't feel like
walking right this minute.

Why don't you go check on Franco?

Man, he's the one that needs it.

Hmm. I see you ran out of white people.

(laughing)

Arthur, go to the hospital.

No, no, no, nope.

Don't like hospitals,
don't like doctors.

Well, why not?

Because at my age, they
start poking around,

and they find one little
thing, and they want more tests,

and the next thing you
know, you never leave.

Don't you think

you're getting a little
ahead of yourself?

Oh, am I?

Everybody around here
thinks I'm too old.

Oh, Arthur, they don't think that.

They know it.

All right, rest up.

- I'm gonna go check on Franco.
- (sighs)

Dude, I'm telling you, man, I
don't need to go to a hospital.

And I'm telling you your foot is broken.

And you need a cast

- that's not made out of a Cathy cartoon.
- Man.

Go check on Arthur.

He's the one who needs the help.

(sighs) What am I
supposed to do, DeLuca?

I can't force them to
get into the ambulance.

I know. They're both so stubborn.

The only thing they agree on is
that the other one needs help.

Oh, I got an idea.

(sighs): So...

Franco is still refusing
to go to the hospital.

Oh, that stubborn son of a bitch.

I know, I know.

(sighs): You know, here's the thing.

If you go in the ambulance,

maybe we can get him to
go and look after you.

- You think?
- Yeah.

He worries about you.

Oh, and you know what
would really convince him?

If you play up that
"old and feeble" thing.

Um, I...

- I could try.
- Yeah.

And then, you know, when
you're at the hospital,

I bet you could get him
to x-ray that damn foot.

Yeah.

He-he looks up to me.

Oh, yes.

He does.

You're like his white, magical n*gro.

(laughing)

You know, I've thought that.

I'm gonna go talk to Franco.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

(groans)

So, I don't know what to do.

I can't get Arthur

to go to the hospital.

That stubborn son of a bitch.

I know.

I think he's afraid of doctors.

You know, it's scary
when you get to be old.

Look at him.

Oh! Damn my brittle bones.

You see?

Now, I think

he would go if you went
to keep him company.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He needs an MRI,

and it might ease his fears

if you were getting...
I don't know... an x-ray?

We have the money.

I don't know, Randy.

I don't like taking from people.

You know, I don't like
having to owe them.

Well, think about it this way.

The money's not gonna help you.

The money's gonna help Arthur.

All right, well, since
you put it that way...

Cool. All right.

Great.

Yo, Arthur,

who wants to go on an ambulance ride?

Only if you go with me.

I mean, who knows

when the Grim Reaper will call my name?

(laughing)

- Take it down a notch, Pacino.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, what'd I tell you kids

about using those things in the house?

Nah, we're about to send a message

to those Blessed Heart girls.

This is our corner. The block is hot.

Blap, blap!

Yo, homes.

We're going to chop 'em
down with our water gats.

Huh? Am I a thug? Was that hard?

It was hard to listen to.

Well, I'm glad you're
both feeling better.

Yeah, thanks to my brand new cast.

And I appreciate that, y'all.

Growing up, I didn't have a
lot of people I could depend on,

and I got used to doing
everything by myself.

Well, get over it. You've
got a roomful of people

you can depend on.

Thank you.

That was beautiful.

Wish those monkey dr*gs
hadn't dried up my tear ducts.

(laughing)

Here they come.

They're talking about geometry

and a dreamy boy named Trevor.

Show them no mercy!

Hello, ladies.

And I hope you know how to swim.

- Oy.
- Ow.

- Oy.
- Ow.

- Oy.
- Ow.

Oy.

Oy vay.