01x09 - Get It, Arthur

[bunniefuu]

It was my lucky day when
I met you on the bus.

Yeah. I got to thank
that shirtless crackhead

who scared you into sitting next to me.

(laughs)
- Yo, look,

I know it's last-minute, but, you know,

there's an art walk
tonight, you trying to go?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

Then maybe after we could get drinks?

Oh, like at your place?

Has to be. I don't get paid till Friday.

(speaks indistinctly)

- Mmm.
- All right, see you.

Interesting. An art walk in Uptown.

On your right, the Picasso sculpture,

and on your left, a
urine-stained mattress.

(chuckles)

Well, I'm hoping that art
walk turns into an art hangout

which leads to an art
let's-take-our-pants-off.

Hey, kid, you ready for tonight?

What you talking about?

The Hawks are playing the Redwings.

If we win, we're in the playoffs.

- Oh, that's tonight.
- Yeah!

Oh, listen, it's gonna be
a cold one, so I thought

I'd make a little fire and
make some hot chocolate.

I know, dairy doesn't agree with you,

but I got that soy
milk that you love. Huh?

(laughter)

Damn. Dude needs a girlfriend, man.

Looks like he's got one.

Ha!

Hey, look, Arthur, man,
I-I can't watch the game.

What?

Oh, how are we gonna win if we
don't wear our lucky jerseys?

And rub the gnome's belly?

Arthur, listen, the thing is,

I already made plans with Nadine, okay?

And I was kind of hoping that
she and I would rub bellies.

- I'm-I'm sorry for flaking.
- That's all right.

Just be more hot chocolate for me.

Hot chocolate does sound good.

You talking about the drink or Nadine?

♪

Tush! There you are. You left something

in the coat that you dropped
off at my dry cleaners.

(chuckles) Really, Tush?

You don't seem a dry
cleaning kind of guy.

Fawz and I bartered.

I did a little animal show
for his niece's birthday.

Unfortunately, one of
the mice gave birth,

and then the snake ate the babies...

So there were some tears.

But that's the circle of
life! Which I then sang.

Needless to say, someone's
not gonna forget turning five.

And thank you.

A check for $ . You
know, you should cash that.

I'm sure Elizabeth Miller
would appreciate that.

You're right, I will.

And it's dated from two months ago.

For someone living check to check,

this sure is a curious oversight.

Well, this was fun. I gotta go.

Oh, my God, is that Bruce Springsteen?

Bruce?

That was a Dominican
woman wearing a bandana.

(laughter)

Something fishy is going on here.

I've seen every episode
of a little show called

CSI Colon Crime Scene
Investigation...

so I know when information
is being kept from me.

Like how to say the name of a TV show?

Leave it alone, Fawz.
It's none of our business.

I'm a businessman, Maya.
Everything is my business.

(laughter)

(groans) Stop talking!

Randy, we didn't say nothing.

No, it's not you. My mom's in town.

I've been holding that
in since breakfast.

All she wants to do is shop.

We went to T.J.Maxx,
then we went to Marshalls.

It's the same store.

Oh, no, but you love your mom.

Yeah, I do.

And I think she's been really
lonely ever since my dad d*ed.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm trying to spend
more time with her.

Randy, honey, I've got great news!

Ross Dress for Less has just opened up

a new store on the corner.

Oh, that is great, Mom.

I've been looking for something
flammable in a primary color.

(both laugh)

Do I hear Helen DeLuca?

- (laughs) Oh!
- (laughs)

- Arthur, oh, my!
- Look at you.

(laughing)

Well, Florida's been treating you well.

Oh, thanks.

This place is so filled with memories.

I can just picture Leo sitting
over here at this table.

Yep, there he was, whiling
away the day, eating donuts.

Yes, and now his daughter
carries that torch.

(laughter)

Hey, listen, I'm gonna
get you a cup of coffee,

and, uh, we'll catch up, all right?

Oh, that, I'd love it, I'd love it.

Uh, Randy, honey, what
about our shopping spree?

I was gonna get you a bathing suit.

With a skirt. It's
time, honey, it's time.

It's like she forgets I have a g*n.

It's okay, Mom. We got all week to shop.

Yo, Arthur... Helen seems pretty dope.

Yeah, she's a barrel of laughs.

We all had such great times together.

Yeah?

Hey, Helen! You like the Blackhawks?

Oh, I love 'em! Arthur,

remember we went to Flannigan's
to watch all the games?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Is that place still around?

Yeah, it's still there.
Except Flannigan's dead.

His son sh*t him, it's a tragic story.

Hey, why don't you two watch
the game together tonight?

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Great! It's a date.

Okay.

Hey, Randy, come here. Guess what.

So, your mom and Arthur are
gonna watch the Hawks game

tonight at Flannigan's.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

That's incredible. I get a night alone.

In my pajamas.

(chuckles)

- Drinking a bottle of wine.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe two.

Maybe no pajamas.

You add in some Drake and
a couple weed lollipops,

and you just described my
night with Nadine, yeah.

Well, the plot thickens.

Look what else I found in Tush's pocket.

A book of matches from
the Palmer House Hotel.

So... $ from a lady. Fancy hotel.

Conclusion: Tush is a gigolo.

Fawz, you are out of your mind.

I don't mean to body-shame,
but there is no way

that Tush is a gigolo.

Yeah, he's more jiggly than gigolo.

We all know he is not
shy about his gigs.

The man modeled adult
diapers and bragged about it.

What could be so
embarrassing that he would

keep it from his friends?

You really need to stop prying.

With an attitude like
that, I have half a mind

to take you off this case.

(laughter)

Arthur, aren't you meeting Helen soon?

Yeah, in minutes.

Well, shouldn't you get dressed?

I am dressed. I'm fine.

(chuckles) No, you look
like a Jewish scarecrow.

Hmm?

Or like a two-star Uber driver.

I get it, I get it, I get it.

Well, I'm just saying, man, I just
want you to look nice for your date.

No. Date? No.

Helen's an old friend of mine,
you can't call this a date.

All right, well, let
me ask you something:

- you gonna pick her up?
- Sure.

- You gonna hold the door for her?
- Of course.

- Will you pay for dinner?
- Oh, my God, it's a date.

Listen, I can't go on a
date looking like this.

- Yeah.
- Can you help me pick out an outfit?

Yeah! Yeah, all right, sure.

Okay, that's great.

(clicks)

(laughter)

Did he just lock us in?

Let's make a pact:

if things go south,
we eat that guy first.

(laughter)

I haven't dated in years.

So what am I supposed
to do? Come on, help me.

I got you.

Oh, my God, why do you
have so many visors, man?

Are you an old Korean lady?

Come on, I'm so nervous. (chuckles)

I'm sweating in places I
didn't powder this morning.

Look, uh, maybe it's a bad idea.

Arthur, this is gonna
be great. All right?

And I saw you checking out Helen

when she was walking out the door.

I was admiring her scarf.

Okay, I was looking at her butt.

Look, it's Helen and me.
I mean, this is weird.

I was best man at her wedding.

Is that where you wore this?

Or were you a pallbearer
at Papa Smurf's funeral?

Come on, Arthur.

Don't you think it'd be good for you

to have a lady in your life?

Yes, I guess so, yeah.

Oh, hey.

How about this?

Hmm. Part Sam Jackson, part Pepe Le Pew.

I can work with this.

All right, my bad.

Just gonna grab my
phone and we can bounce.

Uh, so, how did you leave your
phone in your boss' bedroom?

Well, it ain't like that.
I put it down when I was

helping him squeeze
into a pair of pants.

That wasn't any better.

All right. Mwah. I'll be right back.

(Franco screams)

Hey!

What the hell, kid?

Came here to get my phone!

Oh! That was your phone?

You might want to delete the photos.

(laughter)

♪

(knocks on door)

You don't have to knock.

FRANCO: Yes, I do.

Oh, come on, please,
you hardly saw anything.

Mm-hmm. You got a
birthmark on your back

in the shape of Florida.

Okay, you saw everything.

Yo, so what happened last night?

I thought y'all were just
hanging out at Flannigan's.

Yeah, we... well, we were
having a couple of drinks

and, uh, talking about old times.

And then I asked her
back for a nightcap.

Next thing I knew, we were spooning

on top of the heating pad.

(laughs) Good for you!

Yeah! Well, it was kind of nice.

All right, so what happens
next, Shades of Gray?

(chuckles)

When are you gonna see her again?

(stammers) I'd like to.

But, you know, I haven't
dated in so many years.

You know, wha-what I
am supposed to do, huh?

Call her? Send her flowers?

No, man, just send her a text!

- Really? Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

Just send a... a text. (chuckles)

Okay, so what do I, what do I say?

Um, something flirty but noncommittal.

Like, "Hey, what you doin'?"

Which can be interpreted
as, "Hey, what you doin'?"

Or like you're doing
something nasty, like

(deep voice): "Hey, what you doin'?"

What next?

Um, "You had fun last
night? Let's chill again."

- Ooh.
- Eggplant emoji.

(laughter)

- Just do it, just do it. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Now send! Yep! There we go.

That sounds perfect.

(phone chimes)

Except you just sent it to me.

(laughter)

- Give me your phone.
- Ah.

Look at this, it's
been a couple of hours,

she hasn't even responded.

Give her some time. Maybe
she can't work a phone.

We've texted before.

Maybe I should've called her.

Hmm? I don't come across in a text.

(in deep voice): All
my sexy is in my voice.

(sighs) What a night.

I had five wonderful
hours without my mother.

Which should add about
three months to my life.

Well, lucky for you, you might

be having some more mom-free nights.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you don't know? Well, apparently,

your mom and Arthur's hockey date

went into overtime.

Huh?

He sh*t, he scored.

- Oh, my God.
- Uh-huh.

- My mother?
- Uh-huh.

- And Arthur?
- Uh-huh!

Oh, hey, Randy...

Hi, Arthur.

Heard that you and my
mom had a fun night.

Ah, uh, oh. Yeah, listen,

I know this is kind of
weird for you, but...

No. Actually, it's not weird.

I-I'm okay with it,
I-I'm happy for you.

Oh, really? Well, okay,
all right. Thank you.

Yeah. It's actually pretty exciting.

Means I might be getting a new dad.

Oh, come on. Very funny.

Yeah, maybe this weekend we
could watch Frozen.

Oh, all right, all right, all right.

I'm gonna go meet Mom
to do some more shopping.

Oh! Speaking of shopping.

For Christmas I'd really like a pony.

Oh, get out of here.

(Franco laughs)

(phone chimes) Ooh, that's a text.

It's in my back pocket.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm, I-I'm all glazed up.

It's all good. Oh!

It's from Helen.

- Ah, ah, ah.
- Yeah.

"Dear Arthur.

"Thank you for the texts.

The game was fun last night."

Oh.

Ooh... (phone chimes)

"But I don't think hanging
out is a good idea."

(phone chimes)

"Last night was a mistake."

(phone chimes)

"Sincerely yours, Helen DeLuca"

(phone chimes) Enough dings.

Oh, no, this is from
your cell phone provider.

Uh, you used up all
your texts for the month.

Ugh. I'm worried about Tush.

Don't believe Pretty Woman.

Not every customer is Richard Gere.

You really think he's a prost*tute?

Shh! Here he comes.

Don't say "sex."

Afternoon.

- Morning.
- Intercourse.

(laughter)

Tush, we have a brochure for you.

It's called "Getting Out of the Game."

Game? What are you talking about?

You know. How you put on the red light?

You think I'm a prost*tute?

How else could you
earn such a big check?

It is the only explanation.

It's from my ex-wife.

Except for that.

That's who Elizabeth Miller is?

Formerly Liz Tushinski.

She pays me alimony.

We got divorced after I lost my job,

and she was making a
lot more money than me.

So, then, why have you
not cashed the check?

'Cause it's the last one.

It's the only thing
that ties us together.

When this goes in the bank,
she's out of my life forever.

(exhales)

I am so sorry, you know.

Being in the dry-cleaning business,

there just is not a lot
of excitement, so...

sometimes my imagination just runs wild.

It's okay. I guess...

I've just had a real hard
time admitting it's over.

You know, maybe I should just move on.

My friend.

How about you and I go to the bank

and cash that check together?

(chuckles)

I'd like that.

(laughter)

Uh, Fawz.

Oh, yes.

Uh, holding hands is a sign
of kinship in my country.

Oh. That's, that's beautiful.

Yeah.

So, uh, who, who lets go first?

Traditionally, it's the
man who's more subservient.

(laughter)

(clears throat) Huh.

I wish I'd known that
before we started this.

Arthur, what are you doing?

We're already fully stocked on those.

I know. These are for me.

Hey, uh, there's a
Blackhawks game tonight.

Y-You trying to watch it?

I'll make hot chocolate.

No, thanks.

He can eat all he wants,

but those donut holes will never
fill the one inside his heart.

Man, I can't believe that lady.

Breaking up by text?

You don't do that to my boy Arthur.

They're old friends. Maybe
they'll work it out.

Oh. They definitely gonna work it out.

'Cause you know what?

She might have a problem being direct,

but I don't.

Okay. Well, I have a meeting.

Well, I'm not letting go.

Well, I'm not letting go.

(laughter)

I have to shower before the meeting.

I like it hot.

- Hey, Ma.
- Yeah.

Check out these winter coats.

- Ugh.
- You might need one of these

if you're gonnaspend
more time in Chicago

with a certain donut Don Juan.

Can we just let go of this?

Here, take this sticker.

Put it on the pink bag,
I'll get another % off.

- Come on, come on.
- Mom, no.

There you go.

Hey, Franco. What are you doing here?

I'm here to talk to your mother.

Yo, can you stop following me?

If I wanted to steal from
a store, I'd go to a place

I couldn't afford.

So you're just gonna
ghost my friend like that?

- "Ghost"?
- Mm-hmm.

Is that slang for sex?

No. It's when you dump somebody by text

and you disappear like
nothing ever happened.

Oh. Then, yes, I ghosted him.

Wait a minute.

You dumped Arthur?

In a text?

Well, I didn't mean to hurt him.

I just... well, I didn't
know what else to do.

It was the first time that I
had a feeling for another man,

and I... I-I just began

to feel weird.

'Cause it wasn't Dad?

I know he's not here anymore,

but I, I still feel like it's cheating.

Yeah.

I get it.

But it happened.

And Arthur is still your friend.

You really want to leave it like this?

But I haven't been to housewares yet,

and it's % off everything Rachael Ray.

Fine.

Fine.

See? I ain't steal nothing.

But you might want to check
out that white lady over there.

She got a George Foreman
Grill under her jacket!

What's up, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Oh, Helen.

I didn't think we'd
see each other again.

Well, I just wanted to say I
was sorry about the text thing.

Franco told me you were upset.

Franco did what?

He said you were devastated.

Well, anyway.

I just wanted to say I was sorry,

so I bought you this windbreaker.

It's Pierre Cardin, $ value.

You know, kid, why are you
getting involved in this?

'Cause you were upset.
And eating donut holes

by the fistful, man.
I had to do something.

No, you didn't.

This is between Helen and me.

It's none of your damn business.

Franco just wanted to help.

We worry about you both.

Why? We're adults.

Yeah, we are. Adults.

Yeah, but you're down in
Florida, all by yourself.

Yeah, and you have nobody to watch

the Hawks games with, so...

We, we just don't want you to be lonely.

(laughing): Oh, I see.

You don't want us
to be lonely, okay.

Raise your hand if you
got lucky last night.

Damn.

That's cold.

What we're saying is,
focus on your own lives.

Franco, you got this
beautiful girl Nadine

who's crazy about you.

So why you all up in my grill?

Didn't I say that right?

Yeah.

All right. Well,

if y'all say you're great,

then I guess we'll just leave you alone?

Thank you.

Arthur, can we have
somewhere where we can talk?

Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe I just
got relationship advice

from a -year-old man.

Yeah, and I can't believe my
mom's having more sex than I am.

You know, Franco is right,
I owe you an explanation.

Arthur, I panicked.

All these complicated emotions came up,

and I... (chuckles)

We have such a, a long, shared history.

(sighs) You know, Leo.

Yeah. Well, Joanie.

Well, they're sure dead.

And we're not.

No, we certainly weren't last night.

We gave that memory
foam a lot to remember.

That's good.

Hey, can I at least give you a hug?

Or will that drive you mad with desire

and lead to multiple
health code violations?

(laughs) Yes.

Okay.

For the love of God!

Put a sock on the door.

ARTHUR: Hey, hey. What the hell, kid?

You're not checking up on me, are you?

No, I'm not.

Hi, Nadine. He's not
checking up on me, is he?

- A little.
- Wha... no. I'm just..

I just came
to pick up my paycheck,

so I can take my girl
out for dinner and drinks.

Maybe just drinks.

Hey, listen! Uh, uh...

Look, I'm sorry I
snapped at you yesterday.

It's cool.

No, no, I'm, I'm just...
I'm just glad that you, uh,

pushed me to go dating again,

because I think I'm
ready to go out there now.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- Word?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- I signed up for this,

Uh, new dating app.

It shows all the singles in your area.

- Uh-huh.
- But so far, it's only guys.

Hey, Arthur, you, you
on Grindr right now.

- Huh? Why? What's that?
- It's...

- No, no. Go, go on your date. Go ahead.
- You're sure?

Yeah, I'm sure this guy can
explain it to me over coffee.